The Girl Under The Bed
by Nostalgicmiss
Summary: Bella Swan is homeless in one of the worst winters Seattle has seen. When hope is gone, and things take a turn for the worst a mysterious stranger steps in to help, turning her life upside down. Changing her life forever. AH/AU
1. The Streets

**_Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer._**

There is something I should probably get out of the way before this chapter starts. This is probably an unusual situation to put the Twilight gang into. It starts out quite dark with little dialogue due to the situation, but all I ask is that you give it a chance. With that being said, I will shut up and let you form your own opinion.

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1: The Streets**

_I know there's nowhere you can hide it_

_I know the feeling of alone_

_I know that you do not feel invited_

_But, come back, come back in from the cold_

_**I know - Jude**_

Fate is a fickle friend, it turns it's back on you, mocks you and then throws you into the impossible. I could handle the mocking, it was the rest that crumbled me and put me in the worst possible situation.

Some may say I chose this, that I did this to myself. As far as the current situation went, I did; but it was better than the alternative.

My mother, Renee, left my father and I when I was three. I had been too young for it to affect me then, but as I grew older and learnt the reason behind it, it stung.

She'd never been the most stable person, Charlie constantly told me about the oddball things she used to do, I would laugh with him, but I could see the pain behind his eyes. He'd never gotten over her.

She's left us because she wanted her freedom, didn't want to be tied down. She was tired of playing second best to Charlie's job and she'd never wanted a child so early in life. So she left us in the night, leaving a note for Charlie saying she couldn't pretend any more.

I haven't heard from her since. Fourteen years, I was motherless. Still, even that didn't hurt as much as what I had to go through almost eighteen months ago. I was fifteen, and he left me alone. I had been through so many emotions, anger, pain, anxiousness, but now it was just sadness.

Charlie had been the commander of the Seattle SWAT team since I could remember, his men respected him and they were always considered friends once they served under him. They were my extended family. His best friend Brian was always my uncle Brian. His wife, Debbie, answered any, if not all, questions I had about being a woman.

Charlie kept up with the best of them, he was still so young, he and Renee had gotten pregnant when they were both eighteen. He was only thirty four when he died. It had been an accident, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

One of his men had been in the line of fire, and Charlie made sure to get him out of harms way, but had been shot in the process. They did everything they could to save him, the bullet had entered just under his ribs and hit most of his major arteries before exiting on the other side through his lung.

That night, in that hospital waiting room, I lost my father, my best friend, and the only person who'd ever loved me. Renee never came, nobody knew where she was, but I doubted she would have come even if she'd known. We'd still lived in the same house all of these years and she'd never tried to find us.

I was fifteen, alone in the world, and was never given a chance.

The state was awarded custody of me after that. They refused Brian and Debbie's attempt at adoption, and the guys from Dad's SWAT team had all been there, close to tears as they loaded me into a car to take me away.

All of these tough men had been in my life since I could remember, they all loved me just as much as I loved them, but they were officers of the law, and couldn't break their oath even for me. Debbie had made me promise to come to them the day I turned eighteen, she knew a sixteen year old wouldn't be placed in a home and she feared the worst.

Unfortunately, for me, the worst was beyond comprehension. My first week in the home had been the worst of my life. The girls that lived there had been together since they were children, unwanted and unloved. They had banded together, and as an outsider, I hadn't been welcome. They beat me constantly, and I was too afraid to tell anyone.

When the opportunity arose, I left, walked out the door while no one was looking, hoping beyond hope that I would find my way. That first month on the streets had been the worst, I turned sixteen and spent my birthday hiding in a parking garage from the typical olympic Peninsula weather.

I had wandered aimlessly during those first months, attempting to get a job so I could get my own place and live a semi decent life until I turned eighteen. When I was eighteen I would receive Charlie's benefits from the Seattle Police Department. Until then, I had to make my own way.

Working had been fine, until they had tagged my social security number. The police had been sent to pick me up and take me back to the home, but I had managed to get out before they saw me. One of the other employees had been a teenage boy, he'd shown me the back door and promised not to tell them he'd seen me go.

So I ran, I was hopeless, and I couldn't even get a job.

That winter had been the worst, I huddled in sheltered corners, followed the droves of other homeless to find fresh food, but I was losing the battle. I didn't have what it takes to live that way. I began to get hungry, my clothes would hang from me as they grew too big. I was cold, always so cold.

I began getting weaker by the day, begging for money on street corners. Then, as I was walking in the snow towards the only solace I had known, up to this point, I collapsed. I don't remember much after that, but when I finally woke up, I was in a sheltered place, still cold but dry and comfortable.

A woman, Julia, had saved me from the streets, pulling me into this small community under a bridge. They had a small city under here, card board boxes and ragged tents dotted around the space. The water of the bay could be heard sloshing against the shore not far away, but it was dry and comfortable here.

Julia fed me food, gave me clothes, and nursed me back to health. I owed her my life.

This is where I had been since, staying close to Julia, but living independently in this small community under the bridge. I have just turned seventeen, and knowing that I only have a year left here has given me hope. I continue on knowing that each day brings me closer to the liberation of this life.

I made a promise to myself the day Julia found me, as soon as that day came, as soon as I turned eighteen, I would help Julia and myself. move us somewhere warm, find myself a job, and take care of her just as she had taken care of me.

One more year.

I rolled over, uncomfortable, and the icy ground dug into my hip and I squirmed, scooting back onto the box I had recently acquired. I needed at least two more to make it comfortable, my others had been stolen.

"You up Bella Bird?" Julia's raspy voice was unique, it was as though she'd smoked for an eternity. It was familiar and warm though.

"Yeah, I think so. How are you this morning?" I asked, sitting up and hugging my knees to my chest. The weather had steadily been getting cold for days. It was positively bitter now.

"Alive, so I can't complain." She chuckled lightly, before releasing a rattling cough. "I could . . . "

"But you won't," I finished. I had known Julia for over a year now, I didn't know much about her, but I knew enough.

Julia smiled and stretched again. Her small twisted hands were swelling up, she had rheumatoid arthritis, and the cold only agitated it.

"Would you like me to take you to the free clinic?" I asked nodding at her hands again.

"No, I'm sure you have better things to do than hang out with an old woman all day at the clinic."

I smiled at shook my head. "Well, the president was expecting me, but I think I can put him off for a day."

"Smartass kid,"

I smiled and hopped on to my feet. It was too cold just to stay sat down. My muscles were starting to ache from the shivering. I held my hand out to the woman still sat on the floor. She placed her wrists in my hands and I tugged lightly, helping her to her feet.

"I'll walk with you,"

"You're a peculiar one Bella bird."

I smiled again and waited as she organized her things. People mostly left others things alone, it was the drug addicts that really stole anything of value, but we tried to keep them out of our small space.

Julia and I walked in a companionable silence up the small grass bank to the street above. The misty rain was almost freezing and the wind picked up considerably as it rolled off the bay. A woman walking down the sidewalk with a stroller saw us ahead of her and crossed the street quickly.

It used to bother me that people avoided us, but now it was just a fact, something that happen numerous times throughout the day.

Julia and I walked towards the free clinic, we took it slowly, I knew her joints were aching more than she made them out to be so I took my time, sticking by her side.

Being homeless made me more aware of the things around me and one of my favorite past times was watching people. They were always in such a hurry, running from one place to the next, ignoring the people they interacted with on a daily basis. Cell phones glued to their ears as they huddled in their warm jackets darting from one place to the next.

I couldn't believe I used to be that unaware of the world that surrounded me. You would get the occasional person smiling and nodding as they passed someone, the friends meeting up and laughing as they remembered something from the past.

People were interesting, people were oblivious.

Julia struggled with the stairs that led up to the small building the free clinic was held in. It was an older building in what most would consider an undesirable part of the city. I held her arm as she climbed one at a time, puffing heavily; the clouds dancing in the air as the heat of her breath met the cold air.

I held the door open for her and followed her inside, enjoying the warmth the building provided. I just hoped we were early enough that she could get in to see somebody. It was, as most things for us, first come first served.

I helped her into a seat and disappeared to find her a ticket. I noticed some of the staff coming in for the morning shift. Most of them were doctors from other hospitals that volunteered their time to help those of us more unfortunate.

One in particular caught my attention, he was beautiful, he looked like a film star as he breezed in through the door. Every head turned to look at him. He was young and I could tell by the way he spoke to people, he was charismatic too.

I pulled the number from the ticket dispenser and took off back to where I had left Julia. I fell in the seat beside her and handed her the ticket with a smile.

"Bella bird, you don't have to stay here with me, it could take all day."

"I don't mind, really."

"Go find yourself something to eat child. You're up early enough, if you get to the deli, you might have a chance."

I nodded and kissed her cheek, earning a smile from her before she swatted me away. I danced out of her reach before she caught me and stood up.

"I will see you later then. I might stop by later and see if you're still here."

Julia nodded without another word, and pointed to the door. I rolled my eyes and moved towards it, preparing myself for the blistering cold that would surely bite me as soon as I stepped out into it.

I headed towards the deli that gave out the sandwiches from the day before. They used to throw them all out but got tired of people scrounging in their dumpsters, so they started handing them out to anyone who lined up in an orderly fashion.

I slipped down the alley behind the small deli only to find three people waiting, there wasn't a specific time that they came out but it would usually be before the afternoon rush when they would make a batch of new sandwiches.

I leaned against the cool brick of the wall behind the first three people, hoping I wouldn't be stood here too long. It wasn't as though I had something to do, but I hated being in one space for too long. Cops liked to harass the homeless when they stayed in one place for too long. I had been lucky so far, no one I had recognized, or more importantly, recognized me had come close; but I still had to be careful. I knew my name would come up as a runaway if they ran it and I would end up in my own personal hell again.

The people in front of me talked quietly amongst themselves as a small crowd started lining up behind me. They were whispering about another poor soul that had lost his life being stuck out in the cold. He'd fallen asleep on the park bench and never woken up.

The amount of people that died out here still amazed me, even though I myself had almost become a statistic, it was almost daily someone met their end. I hated thinking about the people stuck in a vicious circle. They were always grouped in with the junkies and dealers, when in reality only a small percentage actually fell into this life because of it.

I would never have known any of this if I hadn't have been in this situation. It opened my eyes so I could see what real life was like. What really made people tick. The human condition was an interesting one, we all turn a blind eye to something that makes us uncomfortable, we avoid situations that may make us consider what could have been.

Creature comforts are more materialistic than anything else, I've watched the face of a man who is truly hungry when he's given food. It's a gift to him, one more day of life. Watching a woman buy her husband a sandwich for lunch and he shrugs it off, often complaining it's not right or there's something wrong with it; it's nothing but an empty gesture.

Everyday I see things, and I notice more. I can tell a couple in love from an adulterous affair. I can see silly little things like people with crushes. Watch people long enough and they become open books.

The door opening startled me out of my musings, one of the workers stepped nervously out of the door and held a basket in front of her offering the first in line one of the sandwiches. I stepped forward following the pair in front of me.

Without looking I pulled out the first thing my hand touched, I could have been picky, but it wasn't who I was anymore. I was simply hungry, and anything I could put in my empty stomach would fuel me for another day.

"Thank you,"

The girl smiled at me as I stepped away. It was a simple gesticulation but I appreciated it.

I went back to the parking garage I had inhabited when I first started living on the streets, it was one of my many haunts. It was something that reminded me of who I was now.

I climbed over the concrete wall and stuck close to the cars as I made my way to the lower levels. It was slightly warmer down there and drier. I stayed away from the camera's as I made my way, knowing the security guard would happily escort me out of there if he saw me.

I crouched in one of the dry corners and pulled the sandwich from my pocket, knowing that I could savor it here, not rush it. It was ham and cheese which suited me just fine. Some of the fancier sandwiches left my stomach cramping at the unfamiliarity of it. I never complained, but it was uncomfortable.

I bit into the sandwich and closed my eyes. I was happy, I knew Julia would be given something to eat at the clinic, so I didn't have to worry about finding her something to eat. I could enjoy the sandwich without panicking, without worrying about where the next meal was coming from. I just enjoyed each bite as it slid down my throat and hit the empty confines of my barren stomach.

I stayed in the corner most of the day. I was completely full and satisfied, I was warm and dry. There was no wind to disturb me. I was able to just sit by myself and not worry about being chased away or questioned, threatened, or followed.

I had no idea what time I finally made my way out, but it was dark outside. I hated walking around the city alone at night. It was always a red flag to cops. Still, running wasn't an option, I would fall flat on my face and end up having to go to the clinic for stitches again. Being homeless hadn't cured my klutziness, in fact the constant fatigue did quite the opposite.

I stuck close to the buildings as I headed towards the bridge, hoping tonight wouldn't be the night I was stopped by the cops.

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**A/N: Like I said, a different situation. I am anxious to know your thoughts and opinions, so yes I am asking for reviews. I have been nervous about this story for a while, so I am interested to see how the reception to it will be taken.**

It's my first AH story outside of socks for sex, figured why the hell not.

I know it's not Infinite Paths part 2, or even Breaking Dawn from Alice's perspective, but for some unknown reason I have a mental block from those at the moment. I will get to them, but I think I need to get other ideas out of my head before I can continue.

I want to thank a couple of people first.

goldentemptress, thank you for the opportunity to collab on Socks with you. It's been so fun and I love where the characters have been taken. Who thought a conversation about laundry and socks could turn into that lol.

To the Three Wellie Production girls

Miztrezboo, My Twin, Eddie lol, you freaking rock! If you haven't checked out her story Voice Inside My head, well I implore to give it a shot. Well, honestly any of her stories really, there are a few up and coming that I know are going to be amazing. As well as the collabs, The Doghouse and The Dinner Guest.

Bemylullaby, Twitriplet, Lammykins, you also rock! and her story, unintended is amazing, but I have insider information on an upcoming story, and all I can say is keep a weathered eye on the horizon. Her collab with Miztrezboo, Down By the Swimming Hole . . . amazing.

_This is a Le Big eLLe project, in association with the 3Wellie Production House in direct contact with the Foundation for the Authors Starving for A Review Foundation. The Foundation._

This has been a PSA from the House of Squirrely Stub.

All Review donations are tax deductable and gain you sneak peaks at the following TeeGUTBee Tuesdee chapters.

Where else are you going to get such a deal?

Answer?

Well . . . until a threads starts over on Twilighted . . . pretty much nowhere . . .

and check out The Isle of Imagination Thread... come play PicSpam games and YouTube Wars with us... all visitors will recieve a special Welcome Pack on first visit.  
Thankyou and in the words of the great Jazilla in his rather loud jungle voice.. "SHHAAAAWIIIING"

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	2. Winter Underland

**_Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer._**

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**Chapter 2: Winter Underland**

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**_we are the people that you hate  
we are the bastards that you created  
a generation with no place  
a generation of all your sons and daughters  
**Nowhere Kids – Smile Empty Soul**_

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I woke up the next morning aching considerably more than usual. My body was shaking violently as the cold ran a path down my spine. I was freezing.

My teeth clanged together as I tried to coax my body into moving, every inch of me was hurting so badly I cringed as I moved. I knew it hadn't been this cold when I fell asleep. Julia had been telling me some of her stories as I laid close to her in the darkness.

She'd had such an interesting life before landing here. She'd lived in New York, worked in a major financial establishment. She'd mingled with the rich and famous and gone to more parties than I could possibly imagine.

Last nights tale had been that of her meeting with Robert Redford. I had seen the pictures in my mind as she spoke, painting vivid images swirling with color. They had filled my dreams when I had finally drifted off to sleep.

I sat up stiffly and stretched out my aching arms, shuddering again when the cold air hit where my shirt had ridden up over my stomach leaving a small patch of skin to be assaulted by the frosty air. I pulled my shirt down quickly and pulled the flimsy jacket around my shoulders.

"It snowed last night Bella bird, you may want to find something a little warmer to wear." Julia's voice was weak and filled with pain, and I could only make out her silhouette in the dark corner she was propped up in.

"You okay?"

"The cold is making my joints ache something terrible. Afraid your on your own this morning,"

I sat up and crawled closer, her face was etched with the pain she was feeling. I hated seeing her in this mess. I knew days like this, I'd seen her go through a few and moving was not an option for her.

"I'll go get us something to eat, Julia, sit tight."

"No child, just worry about yourself."

Always the martyr. She never wanted to be a burden to anyone, yet she should have known me well enough to see that I would go out of my way to make sure she was comfortable. She had saved my life, and in turn, I would do everything I could to help her. She was the closest thing I had to family in this little underworld.

"Julia, I will be back later. Here," I passed her the flimsy layers of cardboard I had, wishing I could offer her more. "Just keep warm,"

"Stubborn child,"

"You really don't want my response to that," I grinned, hopping onto my feet. The air was bitter.

Julia tutted at me as I made my was towards the small grass trail we'd made over time. I stepped out into light that was too bright. Snowed was an understatement.

Near the banks of the bay it was just icy, I could see the ice coating the small incline, I just knew that the further I wandered from the shore the thicker the snow would be.

I was also sure I would fall flat on my face. I wasn't the most coordinated person to begin with, but trying to stay upright on a slippery surface was going to ensure I wouldn't stay vertical all day. I had always been vertically challenged, but this had disaster written all over it.

I tested out the small mud trail that led to the street above, I immediately felt the instability and sighed in frustration. This was going to be interesting.

I chipped away at a spot with the toe of my tennis shoe, trying desperately to find some tread. After a little work I found it, I did this the entire climb, I was practically exhausted as I reached the top and stamped out my muddy feet.

I knew I needed to get to the deli early this morning, being so cold, there would be more takers and I needed to get up front, Julia was probably hungry, she hadn't eaten since the clinic. Her body needed the sustenance so it could create the small amount of heat her body could produce. Adding fuel to the fire as it were.

I navigated the white laden street with care.

Landing on my ass in the middle of a busy street wasn't my idea of fun and these flimsy clothes weren't exactly keeping me warm. Getting them wet would just make me miserable.

I almost made it all the way without incident, but when I crossed the street to the deli, about to head down the small alley, I landed hard on my ass. I could hear the snickers of the passers by as the moved past me without so much as a hand up. I was still amazed at the lack of compassion some people had. Any hope for humanity I had been harboring disappeared again.

That happened too often, there were always the exceptions; people willing to lend a hand, do something kind. Those are the ones that planted the seed of hope within me.

Still, there weren't too many exceptions to the rule so I was always disappointed quickly.

I struggled to get to my feet, my hands gripping the frozen brick as I pulled myself up off the ground. I carefully made my way to the back alley, and huddled around myself behind the five people in front of me.

The cold air seemed to hang in the small space, each of our breaths puffed out in small white clouds as we moved around on the spot to keep warm. I kept my feet moving as much as I could, knowing that I had to keep the blood pumping through my system.

The air was bitter, my cracked lips stung as the cool air whistled through. My tongue darted out and licked the offending skin hoping to soothe the ache, but all it did was worsen the discomfort. The cold air making the wetness tingle.

I was stood there for what felt like an eternity, thinking about nothing in particular. It was hard to really concentrate on anything other than trying to keep warm. I had never really enjoyed how cold it got here.

Charlie had taken me on vacation to Texas once. I was thirteen and loved the heat and humidity that came with it all. Charlie had hated it, I had laughed at him as he walked around in a pair of aviators and a cowboy hat. It's when I realized where I'd gotten my fashion sense from.

Thinking about Charlie made me smile, he always could make me smile at the drop of a hat. I missed him more than I thought possible. He'd been my best friend. We were always pulling pranks on the guys. Thick as thieves together. He wasn't the most affectionate man, but there was a lot of love between us.

I shook my head trying to dispel the thoughts of my father. I loved him and missed him terribly, but it was still too painful to think about. Especially in my current predicament.

Finally, the door opened and the same girl as yesterday stepped out into the cold alley with a tray of sandwiches. I waited my turn as the line moved, and I finally built up the courage to speak to her. I wanted to have permission to take another sandwich for Julia.

I stopped in front of her and she smiled again. That had to be a good sign.

"Could I take two? My aunt is sick and . . ."

"Of course, just don't let the others see you,"

"Thank you," I whispered, and I really meant it. Not everyone would be willing to help me, let alone believe me. It didn't matter whether I was telling the truth or not. I was homeless in most peoples eyes, therefore, untrustworthy.

I threw one of the sandwiches in the inner pocket of my jacket before turning and heading to the street. It eased my mind knowing that Julia would eat today. Truth be told, even if the woman had said no, Julia would have had my sandwich. There was no way I could eat knowing she was back at the bridge hungry, cold and in pain. I was never one for the 'every man for himself' rule.

I walked slowly, and carefully, to the parking garage. I was going to eat and get a little warmer before I even attempted to head back to the bridge, the acrid wind was penetrating the light jacket I wore, making it difficult to even concentrate. I knew it was selfish not to head straight back, but my bones were hurting from the violent shivers that seemed to wrack my body.

I took my normal route over the concrete wall, avoiding the camera's as I made my way down to the lower level. Just being out of the violent freezing wind made me feel so much better. The shivers slowed as I made my way around the cars to my usual vacant corner.

Well, normally vacant corner. I stopped when I saw a beautiful car parked in my place. It was brand new, that was obvious by the shiny paint and detailed body. It didn't even have the splashes from the grit they spread on the roads on a day like this.

I stopped and hid behind one of the few cars down here, watching carefully hoping the owners weren't around it. No such luck.

A man was bent over, a rag in his hand running it over the wheel base of the car. It explained the lack of splash back, but that wasn't what held my attention. He was beautiful, tall and leonine, as he stretched up to his full height examining his handy work. His blond hair fell into his eyes and I watched the rag-less hand brush the offending hair from his face. His thin fingers spreading through the soft looking strands, mesmerizing me.

"Jasper, you've been doing this for twenty minutes, a little obsessive don't you think?" A man's voice filled the silence, echoing from the concrete walls of the structure.

"Alan, this is not just a car, it's a Infinity G37X, all wheel drive, full customized. Do you know what I had to do to get this thing?"

"Your turning into your father,"

"Fuck you, Alan. My love of machinery doesn't make me a bit like that nouveau riche piece of shit."

"Daddy issues, Jazz?"

"Jesus Alan, he's your uncle . . . you know the bastard just as well as I do," The one called Jasper ran his hand through that hair again. I had an overwhelming urge to do the same, but I stayed in my hiding spot. Out of sight was better; if they saw me it would raise to many questions.

"Not since your mom got that inheritance, I figured I wouldn't see you again either."

"I don't buy into that bullshit." Jasper, said opening the door and throwing the rag into a small bag. "This car is the only thing I have accepted, and that was a gift from mom."

"She never changes does she?"

"Jesus I hope not." Jasper said, pushing the car door closed and clicking a button attached to his keys. The car chirped twice, the lights flashing twice before going dim.

I watched as the two men made their way to the stairwell. The tall blond guy, Jasper, moved with a grace I had never seen a man possess. His large frames drifted as the muscles in his body tensed and released. In all honesty, he made me a little dizzy.

I let my body slide to floor where I was. The image of his animated face playing back in my mind. In the few minutes I had observed him, I had memorized every line of his face, storing it away for when I needed something better to look at, something that would ease the monotony of everyday life for me.

I knew I would never find a man like that, but his face would haunt me.

Damn it, I was losing my mind. How could one short moment effect me like that. I had never been so spontaneous, but something held me there. His musical voice, his pale skin, chiseled nose and soulful eyes.

"Get it together, Bella." I sighed aloud unwrapping the sandwich and pulling my knees to my chest. It wasn't as warm as my corner, but there was no way I was going to sit down next to that man's car.

I didn't stay as long as I had yesterday, just enough to get warm and fill my stomach. The food made the same thud as it hit my hollow stomach, the pains as I digested were still the same. It was back to the same old monotony of Bella Swan, sometimes I believed things would never change.

I still had the hope of my eighteenth birthday, so much would change for me. I could finally pull together some semblance of a life, I could see Brian and Debbie, I would finally have a bed, in some crappie apartment in a shady area of town, but it would be mine. Julia could finally rest in comfort with me, her joints not causing her so much pain as she was sheltered from the cold.

These were all my hopes for next year. I didn't care what I had to get through to get there. I just had to keep Julia and myself safe until then.

I stood up and stretched my aching legs, they'd begun to cease up because of my huddled position between the cars, the breeze making the ache all the worse. Headlights swung around the corner and I ducked down, my knees cracking loudly at the unexpected movement. I ran as fast as I could in a crouch, making sure to avoid the cameras as I made my way up to the freezing air once again.

I hopped over the wall and made my way to the bay. Ignoring the snide comments and dirty looks of the people I passed by. People just assumed because you were homeless, you were up to no good. I hadn't stolen a thing, never had never will, even in my predicament. I hadn't touched a drug or alcohol, even when I reached an all time low. All I had ever done was live by the rules of society. I just lived in the open, under a bridge with the rest of the homeless.

Every one of them had a story to tell, just no one to hear it, well, no one that mattered. I had heard more than my fair share, the vicious circle that they seemed to be stuck in was something they all had in common. They couldn't get a job without an address, they couldn't get an address without a job.

This life brought with it harsh new realities, we were all a product of a system that didn't work. Of course there was always someone with a smart ass comment believing, in some twisted way, that we wanted to live this way, that we didn't want to better ourselves.

No one got it, I never would have if I hadn't of been here myself. Sure, I made the decision to leave the small comforts of the facility I had been placed in, but under the circumstances, I had it better out here. If I had stayed they would have broken me, spiritually and physically. Out here, I made my own decisions, I was able to protect myself.

Some may not believe that, but I knew I could run from a threat here, I had lived in it there running wasn't an option and they knew that as well as I did. The bruises I had worn while I was there, had bought me no sympathy, no solitude from the brash beatings. It would have only been a matter of time until I was hurt beyond repair. They had lived that life for too long to change, to accept an outsider as one of their own. To them I was simply a threat to their way of life.

I crossed the street to the bridge and eyed the muddy path again. It was frozen over. Not as easy on the way down as it was on the way up. A way up that actually hadn't been so easy in reality.

"Hey Bella," John, one of Julia's many friends stepped up beside me and smiled. He'd been a custodian at a high school for most of his life, they'd given him shelter as well as a job, so when he was accused of stealing and they let him go, he had nothing and was forced to live like this.

"Hey John," I returned the smile as warmly as I could.

"Daunting isn't it," He chuckled, holding out his hand to me.

I took it, knowing his balance and equilibrium would help me down the muddy path. His hand was warm in my cold one and I enjoyed it while I could. I followed behind him, placing each foot where his had moved from. In no time at all we were at the bottom safely.

"Thanks John," I smiled, making sure I was on a flat surface before releasing the death grip I had on his hand.

"No problem, where's the side kick today?"

"Her joints are acting up again," I shrugged, wrapping my jacket around me tighter. It seemed to be getting colder.

"We'll have to see if we can't get you a warmer coat Bella, it's only going to get worse."

"I know," I shuddered once, but smiled at him again. "I'm going to check on Julia, thanks again for the help John."

"Anytime Bella, you're a good kid."

I laughed and headed into the oppressive space. I weaved my way through the people that hadn't wanted to brave the weather, avoiding feet and hands of those who had fallen asleep sprawled out.

I sunk down beside Julia, she smiled at me warmly, I was sure she was glad of the company.

"Sorry it took me so long, I ducked into to the parking garage, it's bitter out there." I pulled the sandwich from my inside pocket and held it out to her with a smile.

"I told you to eat, child." Julia's voice was rougher than usual, I could hear the strain as she tried to get around the pain.

"I ate already, I ate in the parking garage, so stop being stubborn." I grinned.

"Bella, I know you too well . . ."

I shifted in my seat and met her eyes, it was no secret how bad of a liar I was. I was easy to read, at least this way she'd know I was telling the truth.

"I ate a chicken salad sandwich, I saved the ham and cheese for you." I said with my hand on my heart.

"This still belongs to you,"

I sighed and shook my head, she was a stubborn old thing. "Julia, I asked the girl if I could take two because my aunt was sick and couldn't come with me, so really, if you want to get technical, it's yours."

Julia laughed and shook her head, I could rival her in the stubborn department and she knew it. I smiled in victory as she unwrapped the sandwich. She offered me half but I declined. She needed all of it to keep her strength up.

"Have I told you about the night I met my husband?" Julia's voice was relaxing a little with every bite she took. I shook my head and settled in next to her against the concrete.

"You never mentioned you were married." I said, prompting her to continue.

"He was a handsome man. Blue eyes, brown hair, he would take me vacationing in the spring, we'd go somewhere warm where the sun shone brightly, he'd always gain natural highlights in the sun. I couldn't help but be jealous, my dark hair never changed, not unless I forced it to," She giggled, taking another bite of her sandwich.

"Mine's the same way," I sighed, my mind once again straying to the vacation with Charlie in Texas.

"Your hair is beautiful, Bella bird, never wish for it to change, you'll only regret it later, I always did."

I nodded in response, there wasn't much I could say to that without bringing us back to our current situation, and I knew she enjoyed the escapism of these stories.

"Well, it was nineteen sixty seven, I was at the met. My friends had bought me tickets to one of the ballets for my birthday, it was beautiful, the colors, and the music . . . " She drifted for a second. The pictures and sounds obviously vivid in her memory. "When it was all over I stayed in my seat, trying to absorb everything I had just experienced. I was oblivious to everything but the stage in front of me."

I laughed along with her, painting my own picture in my mind, I could see the young Julia sitting in awe, staring at the curtain that separated the audience and the dancers. Her eyes watery from the emotional scenes that had been played out

"When I finally came out of my trance I noticed someone a couple seats down from me, he wasn't watching the stage like I had been, he was watching me. I couldn't help the blush that rose to my cheeks. He was so handsome, he took my breath away."

My mind traveled back to the parking garage and the blond guy and his car. I would have said I was breathless, but I was certainly stunned. I waited patiently for her to continue.

"He moved towards me with such grace and dignity, his eyes were wide with unasked questions. I could see the curiosity on his face as plain as day. He sat down next to me and smiled his broad happy smile."

She laughed lightly, her small twisted hand raising to her throat as she let herself get swept away in the memory.

"Do you know what his first words to me were?" She asked, giggling like a teenage girl.

I shook my head.

"He told me I owed him a ticket to the ballet, because he hadn't seen a thing all night, he was too distracted by me."

My mouth fell open, and twisted into a genuine smile. It sounded like something a film star would say in a movie to get the heroine's attention. That's exactly where she could have gotten it from, but I didn't see the difference. Her eyes were full of a genuine smile that touched my heart.

"What did you say?"

Julia giggled again, her hands covering her eyes. "I said, it wouldn't do him any good, considering I would be his date and all, he'd just have the same problem all over again, and I wasn't going to repeat the gesture again."

"You didn't!" I exclaimed, a smile dancing across my lips. It sounded like something Julia would say.

"Oh, I did, and he ate it up. He laughed whole heartedly and that sound captured my heart. So carefree and genuine."

"Did you buy him another ticket?"

Julia's hand rested on mine and she smiled. "No dear, he bought me another ticket, he said to see a beautiful woman that happy, he would gladly accompany me again and again."

"That's beautiful."

Julia smiled again, but this time it didn't reach her eyes. I could see the sadness ebbing from the gray orbs, as reality crashed down around us again.

"I haven't spoken about him in such a long time," She whispered sadly, taking another bite of her sandwich. "I miss him every day, such a senseless accident."

I didn't even ask her to continue that story. I didn't think I could handle the sadness that seemed to fill her eyes. I was selfish enough to cling to her happy memory. If she chose to share her sadness, I would listen, but I wouldn't ask. Some memories were just too personal.

* * *

**A/N: Wow, seriously guys, you blew my mind, all of you were so very kind with the first chapter. I was so nervous!**

**Thank you to my triplets for being amazing, if you haven't read their stories, I totally recommend them. They are in my favorite authors as well as favorite stories. Their recent projects as well as past projects are all awesome reads. That's miztrezboo and bemylullaby, also known as 3Wellie Productions :). **

**Thank you to goldentemptress, my collab for socks, she also pimped me out! She is also included in my faves . . . ;)**

**Thank you so much for the alerts and faves. To the reviewers; thank you seriously, you guys are amazing. YOU ROCK! I would like to offer you all a large country that looks like COOkies and cream. **

_Heading to see the 100 Monkeys this weekend . . . _

**

* * *

**_This is a Le Big eLLe project, in association with the 3Wellie Production House in direct contact with the Foundation for the Authors Starving for A Review Foundation. The Foundation._

_This has been a PSA from the House of Squirrely Stub._

_All Review donations are tax deductable and gain you sneak peeks at the following TeeGUTBee Tuesdee chapters._

_Where else are you going to get such a deal?_

_Answer?_

_Well . . . until a threads starts over on Twilighted . . . pretty much nowhere . . ._

_and check out The Isle of Imagination Thread... come play PicSpam games and YouTube Wars with us... all visitors will recieve a special Welcome Pack on first visit.  
Thankyou and in the words of the great Jazilla in his rather loud jungle voice.. "SHHAAAAWIIIING"_

_www . fornicationstation . blogspot . com_


	3. Predators

_**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer, but my monkey filled weekend is forever in my mind. *sigh***_

* * *

**C3: Predators**

_you still stood there screaming_  
_no one caring about these words you tell_  
_my friend before your voice is gone_  
_one man's fun is another's hell_  
**_My Friend of Misery - Metallica_**

**_

* * *

_**  
At some point in time, I had fallen asleep listening to Julia talking again. She'd pulled out some of her happier memories to cover up the memory of losing her husband. She had relived it in silence as I sat beside her in the dim light. Hating that she had to suffer so quietly, she had so much history, but not all of it was the fairy tale ending. Obviously.

I woke up to the biting cold, it had somehow gotten even colder in the space we occupied and I could only imagine how that reflected to the weather outside. I was sure that the winds were traveling from the north. One of those arctic blasts people always talked about. The gray light had turned into a resounding black. Outlines of the people moving around the space were the only indication of the openings at either end of the bridge.

"Julia?" I whispered into the darkness. If she was asleep I really didn't want to wake her. I knew how emotional the reminiscing had been for her. I was sure the memory of the harder times that accompanied them would drain anyone. That's what thinking about Charlie always did for me.

Silence was my reply, but I could hear the gurgling of her empty stomach as she shifted in the darkness. Her body was telling me what she wouldn't. She was hungry.

I could feel the bubbling emptiness in the pit of my own stomach. I didn't know how long I had been asleep, I just knew that falling back into the abyss was not going to be an option.

I rolled onto my knees and stretched, reaching up into the darkness above me, my joints popping quietly as I shook off the awkward sleep I had fallen into. There wasn't going to be much to find, but I was sure I could scrounge up something.

Restaurants had a habit of tossing out food that patrons returned because it was too cold or not just right, but my personal hunt was for the boxed leftovers they left on the table. Untouched by the dirt and grime of the disgusting dumpsters they piled it all into. Yes it was disgusting, yes it was unsavory and unhygienic, but it was food; and we were hungry. I couldn't be picky, especially on a night like tonight.

I shuffled my feet through the darkness hoping not to kick anyone as I made my way through the mass of bodies as they slept on the cold hard ground. There were more people in here due to the weather and decline in temperature. It was comfortable in here though, so many bodies piled together meant that the air got slightly warmer.

I made it through the maze of bodies with only kicking an arm. Luckily the owner of said arm simply grumbled and rolled over, falling back into the deep snore that they had been issuing before I had so rudely kicked the appendage.

Outside, the air was rigid. Shivers immediately overtook my body, my breath came in small clouds as the shaking breath pushed from my lungs. I didn't think it was possible for it to get colder, but here I was out in the open positively freezing. I had to make this quick.

Without a second thought I ran up the grass bank, hoping the quickness of my step would stop me falling flat on my face. It worked, for once, and I shivered violently once I reached the top.

The wind careened off the bay with vigor, whipping my brown hair around my shoulders. I would have put it up, but it was the only thing keeping my neck warm. I tucked it in the back of my jacket, wishing I had a hood as the freezing wind nipped at my exposed earlobes.

I pulled my collar up and tried to shrink as far as I could into the only jacket I owned. It was thin and worn, no padding to speak of, and all I wore beneath it was a long sleeved t-shirt, that had holes in all the wrong places. My jeans had seen better days and weren't the best attire for this weather, they pulled in the cold, absorbing it and pressing it against my already raw legs.

I tried to speed up my pace while keeping my footing, but it was pointless. I couldn't move fast and balance in the cold wet snow at the same time. I either fell a lot, or took my time freezing in the process.

I took my chances and stuck close to the buildings as I made my way through the blizzard like weather towards the bigger more populated streets. They had the busiest restaurants, they would be the best bet. Not the safest though. I knew I was taking a risk getting this close to the bars that shared the address with the restaurants. I normally stayed away from here at all costs at this time of night, but it was my turn to look after Julia, and I refused to let her down.

I could see the street up ahead in the distance as I turned a corner. The voices of the people moving around were boisterous and obnoxious. I tried to stick to the shadows as I moved, walking slowly and calmly down the sidewalk huddled in my jacket.

The men that normally ignored me or looked at me with disdain, now catcalled and howled as I passed. Vulgar comments and suggestive mannerisms were thrown at me without a second thought. It made me nervous as I passed by. I prayed that they were just all talk, I had avoided this place at this time of night for a reason and my instincts were now reminding me why. I was terrified.

While praying nobody was watching I slipped down a side alley that led to the back of just some of the restaurants that lined these popular streets. I hid in the shadows as the sous chef smoked a cigarette on his break. I didn't want to be rejected and thrown from the spot before I had a chance to take a glance at what they had discarded.

I felt bad enough about what I was about to do without being chased off by a man wearing all white and a ridiculous hat. I didn't particularly enjoy this and I really didn't need an audience to make it any worse that it already was.

He flicked his butt into the snow that was beginning to settle on the ground and turned to stroll back inside. I heard the door clank shut and stepped out of the shadows with a sigh. I hated this, I hated it with everything I was.

The dumpster was sat open as I knew it would be. Being so short I had to pull something over to peer inside.

Nothing, it was completely empty; void of anything that was edible. Some people would eat the crap that was scraped off plates and into the trash, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Having grown up with a cop, in a warm, safe house had spoiled me. There was never any way I could consciously stick my hand into the mess and eat from it. I couldn't even do it when I almost starved to death.

I hopped down from the small box I had used to look over the edge, I was five foot four and it sucked. I moved a further down the alley looking for the smells radiating from the cracked doors that lined the walls. When a smell would hit me, my stomach turned, eager, almost reaching for whatever seemed to be tantalizing my senses at that particular moment.

I checked each dumpster as I passed by looking for anything that would help take away the intense hunger pains that were currently eating away at me. I knew Julia must have it ten times worse, but I had no idea what else I could do.

As I got to the other end of the alley, I hid in the shadows watching the many nameless faces pass by, leaning on one another and laughing. Alcohol, it was another thorn in my side. I didn't indulge, and after some of the things I had seen I wasn't sure I ever would, and I knew that if I _was_ ever going to try it I would have to be out of my current situation. I had seen to many good people drowning their sorrows at the bottom of a bottle, only to be arrested or beaten.

I leaned against the wall and sighed, waiting for a break in the crowd so I could disappear into the night to find the next gourmet restaurants to raid. I ran the heels of my hands over my eyes, knowing that this was a low.

It was a low I always stooped to in colder weather. My body craved more food to build up my defenses against the cold, and I just couldn't give it enough.

There was a break in the crowd. I slid into the small space only to be pushed forwards. I stumbled a couple of times, landing roughly against the wall. My hands shot out instinctively and were the only thing cut thankfully, but it was enough. Stupid drunken people, they never looked where they were going.

I felt a pair of strong hands on my shoulders and I froze. Panic ate away at me as the hands pulled me swiftly to my feet, setting me upright and creating a small arc of space around us. I didn't know if this was a good or bad thing. It could be a genuinely nice person, but experience made me panic.

I turned slowly, every ounce of air whooshing from my lungs as I came face to face with my conservator. He was beautiful, it was the only word to describe the face that held those beautiful blue eyes. I knew his face too, it was the one my dreams had conjured after falling asleep next to Julia as she told her romantic stories. It was Jasper.

"You alright?" He asked, his piercing blue eyes penetrating my own muddy browns.

"I . . . I . . ."

He smiled, his beautiful white teeth glowing in the orange street lights that surrounded us. I felt hopeless and completely dumbfounded. _Speak Bella._

"Thank you?" It came out like a question, my voice low and quiet. Hoarse from the winter wind and shaking violently from the cold. I felt like an idiot, and my usual blush stained my cheeks.

"Are you sure about that?" he laughed easily, his broad shoulders shaking as the most comforting of sounds rolled from his lips. Amazingly, I began to feel quite at ease as the sound surrounded me.

"Yes, I''m sure, thank you."

"You're welcome," he smiled again, my heart pounded against my ribs. We just looked at one another unsure of what to say next, yet the silence was easy.

"Jasper," the other voice I recognized form the parking garage was loud in the small space I was stuck in. My eyes darted to Jasper and then the other face. The ease had left, leaving me uncomfortable again as the other boys eyes appraised me.

I smiled and took off into the crowd, hoping I could lose him. I saw the look his friend gave me, I think it was his cousin from the conversation he had, but still. I knew that look, he saw what I was and one word from him and Jasper would see it too and I couldn't stand Jasper looking at me that way. I didn't want him eyeing me with contempt.

That alone should have worried me, made me consider why it bothered me so much; but I didn't have time to analyze me feeling right now. It was neither the right place nor the right time. I would have to think it over when I got back to the bridge.

I ducked into the alley I had been aiming for and waited in the shadows to see if he would follow. I heard nothing. I stood there for five minutes waiting, but thankfully there was nothing. Who was I kidding anyway, why would he _want_ to come after me? I turned and took a deep breath before heading into the alley.

My luck had to change sometime. Didn't it?

I checked out the small space before heading deeper in. It was awkwardly set up, one way in, one way out. I didn't like the feeling it gave me at all, but I was here, I may as well look. I pulled over an empty vegetable crate, the first sign that this belonged to a restaurant, and stepped on it with trepidation. It didn't even bow under my weight.

I looked inside, holding my breath as my eyes scanned the pile of crappy leftovers that sat on top. There was a small polystyrene box sat on top of it. I reached in and pulled it towards me, cracking open the top to look inside. Chocolate cake, untouched and completely clean. I took a deep breath and stepped down from the crate, sealing the small box again so I could get it back to Julia without incident. It wasn't the most ideal this, it had no nutritional value, but the sugar would give our bodies some defense.

"Hey there," I spun on my heel, swaying slightly with the speed of my movements. "Easy sugar, I'm not gonna 'urt you."

I could see the large man swaying from side to side as he watched me. He was blocking the only way out of the ally; as his eyes appraised me hungrily.

Fear started to kick as I realized I was trapped. He was so much bigger than I was and maybe had a hundred pounds on me. He was tall, his stomach slightly protruding over his belt as his greasy hair fell into his face. Fear started to incapacitate me as I calculated my odds. I was frozen on the spot, eyeing him like he was a predator and I was the prey. In reality, it was the exact situation I had found myself in, but he wasn't going to eat me. He was just going to scar me for the rest of my life.

"You hungry?" he laughed, pointing to the box in my hand. I shook my head and stepped to the side, out of his direct path.

His body followed mine in it's movements. I stayed to the wall and edged along it nervously. This couldn't be happening to me, I was always so careful. I watched as his eyes darkened with frustration.

"I asked you a question, bitch," There was no longer a slur to his voice, but as he stepped closer I could smell the alcohol emanating from him. My heart pounded against my ribs with a ferocity I wasn't aware that I possessed.

I knew I looked like a deer in the headlights as he glared at me. I stepped to the side again but he mirrored my movements, he was closer to the entrance now, completely blocking my path.

"Talk to me honey, I won't hurt you," he said softening his voice as best he could.

I could still see the anger that encompassed him, it didn't matter what I said or did, I was going to lose. There was a good chance I would die in this alley tonight, and it made my stomach flip.

My mind was going through fight or flight. Running would get me killed, fighting would get me killed. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I pulled my bottom lip into my teeth as I watched him calculating his odds at getting to me. He could see it would be easy. His eyes searched the alley a little before returning to me; he knew he was blocking the only exit, and I was sure he'd use that to his advantage.

"Are you a mute?"

I said nothing, just slid along the wall to a door I knew must belong to the kitchen. He took two hurried steps forward, and I froze, gaining the same reaction from him.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," he growled under his breath. His eyes flickered to the door and back to me.

I stood still, my chest rising and falling with the hurried breaths I was dragging in and releasing. This couldn't be happening, not now, I had less than a year. I looked towards the small alley leading out towards the street again. I knew if I ran, there was a larger chance I would trip and fall than make it past him.

"You want to run from me?" He asked feigning hurt. He placed his hand over his heart and chuckled, his eyes growing narrow and dangerous. "I wouldn't advise it."

I felt a whimper rise in my chest but bit it back, refusing to show my weakness. Animals like this fed from fear, they craved it. It made them feel powerful, strong, it gave them the upper hand. I tried to set my jaw, seem defiant to him, maybe if I appeared stronger he would leave me alone.

Hysterical laughing filled my head, I was laughing at myself. Nothing would stop him, he saw that just as well as I did; I weighed maybe a hundred pounds at most. The odds were stacked precariously higher in his favor, he could snap me without even trying.

"Mmm a fighter," he licked his lips and took another step forward.

My head screamed no over and over again but it changed nothing, just spurred the adrenaline through my body until my ears rang with it. My heart was pounding with such speed and power that it felt as though it was climbing up my throat.

No, I didn't want this to happen, I couldn't let this happen. Couldn't let it? What choice did I have? Run, he'll just catch you and kill you, you can't escape the shit he's planning beforehand.

_I don't want to die. I don't want to die._ The mantra began in my head as he watched my emotions fly. I knew he could see it in the rigidity of my body, in the way my eyes widened as he assessed me, the panting breath that was beginning to hurt my lungs because of the freezing temperatures.

"Calm down," he cooed, was he afraid I would die with hyperventilation? Was that even possible?

I tried to find anger within myself, I tried to force the fear aside. This defeatist attitude would not help anything, maybe, just maybe, if I could scratch or bite I could give the police something to go, help take this predator off the streets.

Visions of Brian and Debbie identifying my body filled my head and made me shudder. I hated that they would have to see me so broken.

Again with the defeatist speeches. I needed to keep a hold of that anger, how many people had suffered this man? Was I willing to become just another number?

"Fuck you," I spat the words with such venom I shocked myself.

He laughed, his throaty voice filling the air of the alley resounding from the walls, taunting me as it repeated itself. Think Bella, all those thing Charlie taught you. Everything Brian and the guys taught you. You can do this, fight!

He laughed at me and licked his lips again, making my stomach flip.

"You don't want to piss me off," He growled, the laughter cutting off as he took another step forward. I tried to back away but I was literally against the wall, completely flat. I stepped to the side.

He tutted again, stepping forward and closing the distance between us.

Raising his hand, he slapped me across the face. My ears rang loudly as white dots filled my eyes. My head pounded and my face throbbed. There was no stopping the whimper that followed this.

I wanted to crumble. I wanted to fall to the ground and give up, but the part of me that took after Charlie wouldn't let me. It constantly reminded me of what I could use against him. The voice in my head caved in, calling for the one person who wouldn't come, who couldn't come.

_Daddy!_

It echoed around my mind breaking me down. There was nothing I could do other than fight, and I knew this kind of person, he would enjoy it, he would enjoy the struggle I put up against him.

"I was gonna offer you some money for your services, but I think I'll just take what I want," he stepped forward again, his thick fingers gripping my face tightly. I felt them digging deep against my cheek bones. His short nails digging into the flesh as he pushed my head against the brick wall.

This was it, he was going to take everything I had left, my spirit, my body, my will to live.

I could feel my entire body shake around me, I was vibrating, my legs were weak below me as I once again tried to find my way out of this. There was no way anybody would hear my scream, the crowds at the end of the alley were to busy enjoying themselves, lost to the alcohol, lost to the moment. They were all screaming and laughing, what was another scream. They wouldn't distinguish it.

The large man leaned in and licked up the side of my face he'd slapped, his sickly sweet breath tainted by the alcohol he'd consumed. I cringed away from his touch, my fists balling up at my sides as I tried to process my thoughts. I could do this. It would hurt like hell when he came back at me, but maybe he would fall apart, loosen his grip so I could run.

My knee came up with every ounce of strength I had and struck him between the legs. The guttural growl he spat out made my heart stop. His hands tightened on my cheeks making me cry out in pain. He hunched over briefly before punching the wall beside my head.

"I fucking warned you princess," he spat, straightening to his full height again, his face creased with pain as his other hand, the hand he'd punched the wall with, held him at the apex of his thighs.

I let out a blood curdling scream, someone had to hear it and help, someone, anyone. Then I felt his fist connect with my stomach. I gulped in air as I tried to catch my breath. This was really happening. He was really going to kill me.

His hand slowly slid down my face to my throat, the air trapped in my lungs strained against the confines. I tried to relax so my body wouldn't panic. I tried to hold my breath for as long as I could. Everything started to hurt as my body realized something was wrong.

I begged my brain to relax and not think about it. Maybe we could get out of this alive, someone had to have heard the scream. But as time droned on, I realized that no one was coming. My hands trembled as my body gave way to the convulsions. My legs kicked against the wall as my body tried everything it could to drag in any air.

I could feel my consciousness slipping away, sparks danced behind my eyes as my lungs burned in my chest. The fire they created spread through my body. Everything was growing darker. The harder I tried to hold on; the darker it got.

I felt my lips curl as a thought ran through my mind . . . _See you soon Dad._

* * *

**A/N: I know, I suck for ending it there, but it had to be done . . . I think lol**

**For those of you who review, you know you get a sneak peek for doing so *wink* and now, thanks to the wonderful Miztrezboo, I have a forum. Which will have another sneak Peek added every Friday, as well as images and video's. This week I will be posting some of the pics I took while at 100 monkeys, which, I have to say they were amazing!!**

**www . twilighted . net /forum/viewtopic . php?f=44&t=4239 There is also a link on my profile to make things a little easier. Thanks Lady K . . . you Rock**

**I would also like to recc a couple of fics. All links are on my profil  
**

**Voice Inside My Head by Miztrezboo. Awesome, I adore it! So very well written!  
**

**Changing Perspectives by Orioncat, it's amazing! Seriously, I have the inside scoop *giggle*  
**

**Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy and For Better, For Worse by bemylullaby, neither are posted, but both are awesome.**

**Brotherly Devotion by Goldentemptress. Continuation of Suite 2226**

**Thank you so much for all the reviews. You guys are amazing, and you totally make me blush. You guys really give me motivation. Thank you so much  
**

**A small disclaimer. I have put no pairings at the beginning because it would ruin the plot, and you want o be surprised right? I know it's still a little confusing but it will all start coming together.**

OOooOO

_This is a Le Big eLLe project, in association with the 3Wellie Production House in direct contact with the Foundation for the Authors Starving for A Review Foundation. The Foundation._

_This has been a PSA from the House of Squirrely Stub._

_All Review donations are tax deductable and gain you sneak peaks at the following TeeGUTBee Tuesdee chapters._

_Where else are you going to get such a deal?_

_Answer?_

_Well . . . until a threads starts over on Twilighted . . . pretty much nowhere . . ._

_and check out The Isle of Imagination Thread... come play PicSpam games and YouTube Wars with us... all visitors will recieve a special Welcome Pack on first visit.  
Thankyou and in the words of the great Jazilla in his rather loud jungle voice.. "SHHAAAAWIIIING"_

_www . fornicationstation . blogspot . com_


	4. Personal Angel

_**All things TWILIGHT belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer.**_

* * *

**C4: Personal Angel**

_You were not alone_  
_Dear loneliness_  
_You forgot_  
_But I remembered this_  
_Oh stranger stranger_  
_Stranger things have happened, I know_  
**_Stranger Things have Happened – Foo Fighters_**

* * *

My eyes fluttered a couple more times before the weight of the darkness truly consumed me. The last image I saw was the swollen sweaty face of my attacker approaching mine, his tongue licking his bottom lip as my body finally fell limp.

"Don't even think about it," A voice rang out in the small space, filling the silence and creating a ringing in my ears that stung. I had no energy left to struggle, my feet were off the ground and the large hand around my neck still hadn't slackened.

"Get the hell outta here kid," The man's voice vibrated through his body, I felt every movement in my sensitive neck. My throat was burning I wanted to scream, but I had no breath, and I was falling apart. I was fighting the unconsciousness I had craved not minutes before, there was hope for me.

"Let the girl go,"

"This is none of your business,"

"Oh, but I think it is," My eyes strained to see who was stood at the alley entrance, a disarray of blond hair made my heart sink into my chest. Yes, there was help, but there was a chance _he_ could get hurt.

The man's hand loosened around my neck; a surge of shockingly cold air burned down my chest filling my lungs as I spluttered and choked. I didn't even feel my feet hit the ground, and I was only aware that I was falling because the two tall men grew taller. I landed in the snow on my ass, still trying to readjust to the air filling my lungs.

My head spun and ached, my vision blurred and then sharpened. How had I let this happen? All of this was because I hadn't kept the fundamental rules in my head. It was one of the first things Julia taught me. Never let yourself get cornered.

I closed my eyes and pulled my knees to my chest, resting my forehead on them so I could regain some equilibrium. I was so dizzy and the cool fresh air was still leaving a trail of fire down my chest.

The grunts coming form the other side of the alley concerned me, but I couldn't move. I was frozen in shock, and it was laced with the guilt that I could do nothing to effectively help the blond boy that had come to save me.

"Miss?"

My head shot up from my lap, but the dizziness consumed me again making me groan and lay it back on my knees. I felt a gentle, but warm hand rest on my shoulder. I was still taking deep measured breaths trying to even out my breathing.

"Are you okay?" The voice was closer now, almost to my ear.

An overwhelming sense of gratitude filled my body as I realized the magnitude of what he'd just done for me. Without really thinking about it, my arms wrapped tightly around his neck, my body was pressed tightly against his, and I cried.

My entire body shook violently as he gracefully just held me. He never said a word, and neither did I. It was the first real genuine interaction I'd had with another human since I was taken from my fathers friends. It was nice, and so very different. Then, all too soon, I remembered who I was and where I lived. I pulled away quickly covering my face with my hands.

"It's okay, you're safe," His voice was softer than it had been in the parking garage, and his tone was soothing.

"I'm sorry," I was whispering from behind my hands, my voice cracking in all the wrong places. The effort to speak hurt my throat more than I could have possibly even imagined.

"What are you sorry for?" His question was followed by a light chuckle.

I didn't answer, I couldn't. For the first time since I had started living on the streets, I realized that I was ashamed of where I lived and what I had become. Every justification I had given myself sounded pathetic and weak, it didn't even make sense to me in that moment. How could I possibly expect him to understand?

"Come on, lets get you out of the cold,"

He stood up beside me, and I peeked up at him through my fingers. I couldn't believe he was being this nice to me. I was sure he realized what I was, he had to have. still, he held out his hand to me and smiled. His left eyebrow lifted slightly.

"Thank you," I offered, as I placed my hand in his and he pulled me to my feet. "For everything. I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't of come."

"He would have killed you," His fingers brushed along my neck with an unexpected tenderness. I shuddered against the warmth of his fingers. "Your freezing cold, and your neck is already bruising."

I shrugged, tightening my jacket around me. There wasn't much it would do now it was wet but I hoped it would give off the appearance that I was going to be alright.

"Look, you don't seem to be a person of many words, and that's fine, but I was hoping you'd let me drive you home. You seem to have had enough excitement for one night."

I shook my head fervently, "It's fine really, I only have to walk a couple of blocks."

"You'll freeze."

"I'll be fine, I do it all the time."

"Will you at least come with me so I can give you a decent jacket that isn't soaking wet?"

"Honestly . . ." I paused, I knew his name but I didn't want to explain where I'd heard it from. I would come off looking like a stalker.

"Jasper, and your name?"

"Bella," He smiled. Holding out his arm for me to take.

"Well, Bella, I'm not taking no for an answer. I'm not parked far from here, so if you insist on walking, I insist on giving you a better jacket."

I smiled broadly at him. He was insisting on being kind. People like Jasper made it easy to see the good in humanity, even after my little experience. He'd saved my life, and all he was asking me to do was trust him enough to let him help me more. I could do that, I could trust him.

I linked my arm through his and let him lead me out of the alley and into the cold streets. The wind had picked up again and the snow was falling a little harder than it had been. It was going to be a bad night. It appeared Jasper would be a god send, one I couldn't have thought to ask for.

He lead us silently through the crowds, I noticed women watching him with lustful eyes before glancing at me and doing a double take. I knew it looked odd, and even I was a little uncomfortable with the stares, but Jasper kept his head held high as he moved through the people.

He lead me across the street to the parking structure that I knew all too well, and lead me through the regular door and down the stairs to the lower level, where I knew his car would be. Something about him kept me at ease when I should have been nervous.

If I thought about it, I was putting myself in exactly the same position I had been in the small alley. I was alone, with someone almost twice my size, and it didn't take a lot to know how strong he was. His arm muscles flexed as he walked and I could feel how solid those muscles were, even through his thick winter coat.

He stopped at the shiny car I had seen him at this morning and pulled a key from his pocket. He pressed the button once and the truck popped open. Again, I should have been scared, but the fear never came.

"There's supposed to be a snow storm coming through tonight," he said thoughtfully, rifling through some of the things in the trunk.

He mumbled quietly to himself as he rifled through his belongings. I waited patiently, stood beside him, enjoying the sound of his musings. I couldn't make out what he was saying but the noise was comforting. I could only imagine the bemused smile that was currently on my face.

He straightened up with a smile that could win anybody over and turned to face me. He raised his eyebrows expectantly.

"What's the matter?" I asked self consciously, looking at him and then down at myself.

"Take your jacket off, I have an idea."

"Oh," I blushed. The t-shirt I wore underneath wasn't exactly clean, or whole.

"It's fine," he sighed, smiling encouragingly.

I nodded again and pulled the jacket down over my arms. I immediately regretted it and almost pulled the jacket back on when his eyes lingered on the shirt underneath. I guess he hadn't figured it out earlier. I could feel the blush rise up on my cheeks as his eyes seemed to really take me in for the first time. His eyes moved up to my face slowly.

"Shit, sorry Bella. You must be freezing stood there with no Jacket on." He pulled a throw blanket from the back of the car and wrapped it in an odd way around my torso. It was warm and thick, the material brushed against my skin instantly relaxing me.

"Okay, hold these two ends." He smiled at me and went back into the trunk to retrieve something else. He pulled out a worn looking cable knit sweater. He grabbed the ends of the blanket I was holding and handed me the sweater.

I stood looking like an idiot, not moving. Just holding the warm woolen sweater in my hands. It was thicker than I'd thought. My fingers tingled with the warm sensation. Coupled with the heated flush that Jasper seemed to bring me, I was comfortable.

"You can put it on," He laughed.

His eyes twinkled as he watched the blush rise in my cheeks. Shaking off the slight daze, I pulled it on, a little embarrassed about my confusion, but the tension was eased as we laughed at the size of it on me. He dropped the ends of the blanket as the sweater fell down around his hands.

We looked at one another, our eyes lingering before he turned to the car and pulled out a thick looking Jacket and held it open for me.

"Jasper, really, that's too much,"

"Bella, it's going to be blizzard like out there, it would give me piece of mind if you just accepted this for me."

Where the hell did this guy come from? I finally relented and slid my arms through the sleeves of the jacket, laughing when he zipped me up and fixed all the fittings on it. The smell inside of it was amazing, it smelled like he had when I'd unthinkingly thrown my arms around him.

Everything was entirely too big for me, but the jacket had a hood, and both sets of sleeves fell down around my hands, it would protect them from the wind. Of that much I was certain.

I stood awkwardly in front of Jasper, his wide smile and amazing blue eyes looking supremely satisfied at the work he'd just completed. He put up his finger as a gesture for me to stay and disappeared to the front of the car, I looked around the garage hoping that the guard wouldn't come rushing down here.

Who knows what this would look like from the perspective of an outsider. It wasn't something that normally concerned me, but in some ways it felt as though Jasper simply overlooked my appearance and obvious homelessness. It was the fear that someone would pop the small illusion that concerned me.

Jasper was gone a while, and I let my eyes flicker to him as he sat half inside and half outside of his car. I couldn't see what he was doing, so I let my eyes wonder back to the emptied garage. He finally came back and appraised me with a bemused smile. I couldn't help but giggle at him. I felt ridiculous.

"Okay, you are now free Bella," He smiled, as he slipped something into the pocket of the jacket and winked. "Call me if you need anything, how do you feel?" He chuckled.

"Stupid, but surprisingly hot."

"You could say that," he laughed, walking towards the stairs. He held the door open for me as he pressed the button his keys locking the car. I stepped into the stairwell and climbed slowly beside him. Not really sure of what to say next. His generosity had astounded me.

He opened the street level door, and a blast of arctic air surrounded us. The snow had really begun to fall now, and a thick white layer covered everything. The dull orange glow of the street lamps only seemed to amplify the thickness of the small white puffs. Jasper looked over at me surreptitiously from the corner of his eye.

"How do you feel now?"

"Warm," I laughed, and I really meant it. I could only feel how cold the wind was on my face, and as soon as I pulled up the hood, I knew I could probably remedy that too.

"Good," Jasper smiled, "Do you have to go? Or would you like to hang out a little longer?"

My mind traveled down an avenue that had been highly unused for a long time as I actually considered joining him for longer. I enjoyed his company, he was sweet and kind, but I didn't want him to pity me.

That wasn't my only thought either. Julia was probably freezing under the bridge and I knew the blanket wrapped around me would probably keep her warm, easing her aching bones.

"I would love to spend more time with you Jasper, but I really should be getting back." The real world was calling and I couldn't avoid it much longer. In reality, even though I would happily spend more time with Jasper, I would only be hurting myself.

"Well, I'm sorry we met under such unusual circumstances."

"Thank you, really. For the clothes, for saving my life, for being such an amazing person."

Jasper laughed and pulled me into a hug, kissing my forehead once before stepping away again. His bright smile and warm blue eyes shone in the dim orange light of the street lamp. My heart beat against my ribs as our eyes met again. He had a profound effect on me and it scared me.

"Well, bye," I blurted out, backing away from him before my own mind became even more confusing, and I actually ended up convincing myself to stay with him.

"It was good meeting you, Bella,"

"You too, Jasper," I grinned, stepping backwards. My foot caught on the edge of the curb and I slipped on a patch of icy snow. Jasper's arms shot out, but I had already steadied myself. The blush rose to my cheeks as I grinned meekly.

His arms were once again tightly wrapped around my waist, I could feel them against me even through my new layers. I straightened myself up and stepped away from him again, ignoring the slight draw I had to him. I smiled and waved once more before turning around and hurrying down the street.

I couldn't keep myself that close to him anymore, I had to be the one to break away. Even here and now I could feel his eyes on me. I stopped when I reached the corner and turned around to look at him. He was still stood in the same spot with the same smile, watching me as I left.

I waved once and turned the corner hurriedly taking a deep breath. Did all of that really just happen? I looked down at the clothing that surrounded me, small puffs of white snow littered the material as the blizzard became progressively worse. I was warm though, and it wasn't just the clothing that created it.

I started back towards the bridge slowly, comfortable in the heat that now surrounded me. The conversations and warm feeling I had while were together swirled around my head confusing me further. We were from completely different worlds, there could never be anything more than there was between us tonight, and that thought actually saddened me.

I didn't even know what that was, I had no words to describe it, all I knew was that I had enjoyed the normalcy of being close to him, I enjoyed our comfortable silences and I enjoyed his company. His smile was warm and reassuring.

I needed to stop thinking about this, about him. He made me so confused. His kindness had been more than I had ever expected and I didn't know how I could ever repay that. From the fear of being in that alley to the overwhelming sense of relief when he found me it all dissolved as one though occurred to me. How long had I been gone from Julia?

I still hadn't found her food. I knew I would be alright, the adrenaline that was burning through my system, had pushed my hunger far from the forefront of my mind. I turned in the street and flinched as the icy breeze caught the side of my face I had been slapped on. I knew it was going to leave a bruise, and Julia would blame herself.

No matter how much I reassured her, Julia would blame herself for my going out at all. It wouldn't matter that I had gone on my own merit, that I had been just as hungry as I knew she was, that I had made the mistake of letting myself get cornered. More frustrating than all of that, I still managed to come out of it all empty handed.

I couldn't go back to the Alley's and risk the same situation I had just been rescued from. The Deli had been closed for hours. There was nothing I could do. I just had to go back to the bridge and hope that I would be early enough tomorrow to get to the deli and pick up a sandwich for her.

The glacial wind swirled around me again and I shuddered. The breeze had found the opening to the sleeves and traveled up my newly warmed arms making the cold seem that much more biting. I shoved my hands in the pockets of the jacket and huddled over enjoying the hood a little more than I should.

I let my hands search for the small slip of paper or card that he'd slipped into the pocket earlier and sighed a breath of contentment when I found it. I would never use the number, but I knew that just having it would brighten my days. As pathetic as it sounded, he'd been the highlight of my life on the streets. A truly caring person with a friendly nature and an amicable temperament, he gave me a larger shot of hope than I had ever even considered.

I pulled it out to see what he'd written, by my breath caught in my throat and a choked sob spilled from me. There was indeed a note with his number on it, but wrapped inside of the note was a one hundred dollar bill.

I unfolded the slip of paper and let my eyes scan across the words. A deep feeling of appreciation and affection filled me. I had never, in my seventeen years, met anyone like Jasper Whitlock.

_Bella,_  
_I knew you wouldn't accept this from me so I am forcing it on you. I know you're hungry and I can't consciously let you go without knowing you have at least some way of feeding yourself. You were trying so hard to hide your misfortune I didn't want to embarrass you by asking._  
_Please, promise me that if you ever need anything, even if it's just someone to talk to you will call me. _  
_Jasper Whitlock._

Underneath it has his phone number.

He knew, he knew I was homeless and never made me feel uncomfortable about it. I shook my head in amazement. Such a contrast of experiences in the same night. All of the hopelessness and fear, was replaced by trust, hope and an overwhelming happiness I couldn't explain.

I looked around where I had frozen in mid stride, I knew I wasn't far from an all night diner that would be more than happy to take my money. It was comforting to know I could feed my friend and myself, maybe for an entire week if we preserved the money well. Maybe even longer if we were to stick to dollar menus in the fast food restaurants. There were hundreds of different possibilities if we preserved the money, and even though it was dishonest, if I was still able to get sandwiches from the deli, we could stretch it even further.

I headed towards the diner and smiled to myself. I didn't even know how to start explaining this to Julia and I was happy knowing, that for once, I could tell her my story. It was all a little unbelievable, even I was having trouble believing my good fortune. Even in my mind he was more like a figment of my imagination than an actual reality.

The small diner was almost empty when I stepped inside, I knew that my jeans were filthy but I was sure the heavy coat masked everything else of my appearance. I approached the counter and smiled at the girl behind it.

"What can I get for you sweetheart?"

It was amazing to me how peoples demeanors changed when they didn't know you were homeless. If I had walked in even a couple of hours ago I knew that I wouldn't have had the same reception that I had just received.

In my musings, I took some time to look at the menu. I had to order something that wouldn't be too heavy, I wanted nothing more than to over indulge in everything I could get my hands on but I knew better. I knew richer foods and greasier foods would just make us sick.

I looked over the menu and decided on two patty melts, and order of fries to share. I would pick up something to drink in the small corner store closer to the bridge. The woman disappeared and asked me if I wanted anything while I waited. I took a soda, a coke and it was heavenly.

I sat in the warm diner and waited quietly sipping on the soda in front of me. I was beginning to feel a little better now. The sugar seemed to seep into my system making me feel almost human again.

The waitress kept throwing furtive glances at me from the corner of her eye. It was making me nervous. I was starting to think she'd figured it out and when she approached me, I braced myself for her to request that I leave.

"Hey sugar, listen. I don't want to be rude and I'm really not trying to get up in your business, but there is help out there." I sat taken aback and looked at her curiously.

"I'm sorry, I don't think I understand," I whispered. I was perplexed as to what she could possibly mean. That was until her hand reached out to touch me cheek, and everything came crashing down around me.

"Oh, no, I appreciate that, but I'm just clumsy,"

The smile she gave me told me she didn't buy a word of that. "Unless you fell into the hands that left that mark around your neck, I would say that your covering it up. Believe me, I have been there and he's not worth it. I stayed with my husband two years to long, and spent a week in the hospital after one of his beatings before I realized that, if I stayed I would end up dead. You're young and beautiful, you don't have to put up with his shit."

"Maybe you're right," I sighed finding it easier to go along with the lie than to tell her the truth.

She gave me a kind smile before squeezing my shoulder and walking away. It truly was bizarre, I had no idea what to even say to her after a conversation like that. Yet her kindness still touched me. It seemed I was having one of _those_ days.

By the time the woman appeared with our food, I was relaxed again. I paid her and took my change, and I left her a small tip. I wished I could have given her more with the kindness she'd shown me, but I needed everything I could get.

I stopped in the small corner store and picked up two bottles of water before heading back to the slippery slope. I worked my way down it, trying to remember the path John had taken earlier in the day, hoping that I wouldn't fall and ruin everything I had just bought.

I made it down without incident, celebrating with a mental victory dance at my temporary stroke of good luck. For some reason things just seemed to be going right since . . . well, since I met Jasper really.

I took off towards the opening to the bridge again with a small smile, but stopped dead in my tracks. Some suspicious looking men were stood at the edge of the opening smoking from a small glass pipe. I knew what they were doing and alarm bells started to ring again. Them being here meant we had to be on our toes. They stole, they fought and they brought attention to our small community.

As I got closer, their eyes lifted to me, but they ignored my presence so I continued on. I stayed prepared though, they were more often than not herded away by some of the men that had been here for a while, but no one begrudged them the shelter on a night like this.

Their presence, was another downfall of this weather. The drug addicts needed somewhere to keep warm, and they took risks they normally wouldn't. My pockets began feeling like they weighed thirty pounds, I would have to keep the money hidden at all times. If they knew I had it, they wouldn't hesitate in taking it. I was smaller and they had a need.

I moved deeper under the bridge offering a small smile to the men so they wouldn't start asking questions or harass me about being a narc or informant. I'd had those conversations before and they weren't something I wanted to repeat. Julia had told me on my first encounter with an addict that the drugs made them paranoid. It was something else that just became one of those things you deal with.

It wasn't the perfect solution, but what else could I do?

Thankfully, they smiled and nodded and let me pass without so much as a word. I stayed conscious of them, of where they were at all times. My body only started to relax as I stepped into the darkness. There was only a dull light in here, it was practically black, but my eyes adjusted quickly.

I carefully made my way through the darkness to where I knew Julia would be.

"Bella bird?"

"Yeah it's me."

"Where have you been? You never go out this time of night."

Her concern touched me. It screamed Julia.

"I went to find us something to eat, here," I handed her one of the take out boxes and a bottle of water.

"How?"

I knew she would question this immediately and I had to answer her honestly. As I've said before I'm a terrible liar for one thing and she wouldn't rest easy or eat until I explained.

"I was attacked tonight," I sighed, cringing as I waited for the response.

"Oh sweetheart, what happened?"

I explained everything, right up to the point of putting my hand into the pocket of the jacket and finding the money. She seemed to enjoy the story, sitting silently eating the food I had picked up.

"You have a guardian angel child," she sighed, taking a mouthful of water.

I giggled, I knew that I was lucky, and I attributed that all to luck, but maybe she was right, maybe I did have someone watching over me.

I rolled onto my knees and pulled up the layers of clothing I was wearing, unwrapping the warm thick blanket from around me. I threw it over Julia as she curled up in her usual spot.

"What's this?"

"The blanket Jasper gave me."

"But . . ."

"I have a sweater and a jacket, I'll be fine."

Julia made the motion to argue but I sighed loudly cutting her off. She gave up and accepted the gift. She knew me well enough to know it was pointless to argue. We fell into silence quickly, both with full stomachs. I felt satisfied for the first time in a long time and I knew I had Jasper to thank for that.

"Hey, Julia?"

"Yes Bella?"

"Would you look after the money, you know how clumsy I am."

"I don't know Bella, I . . ."

"I trust you Julia,"

I reached into my pocket, extracting the cash, but keeping the note. I felt around the darkness for her hand.

"Bella,"

"Please, I know that you won't deceive me. Anyway, I know where you live,"

Julia laughed and let her twisted fingers curl around the money.

"I'm putting it in the zipped pocket inside my coat. If you need it while I am asleep or something, you'll know where to find it."

"Thanks Julia,"

She mumbled something I didn't quite pick up and I laughed, she was too easy to read.

I curled up in my small spot and felt the warmth surrounding me. Images of Jasper's face fluttered behind my eyes as I let my exhaustion take over. He would never know what his kindness meant to me, and he would never know the solace he brought me when I saw his face behind my closed eyes.

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**A/N: Yay! Bella's safe . . . maybe! It's the first chapter with any kinda dialogue so hopefully it will start moving a long a little quicker. **

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**Outstanding fics, all can be found in my faves, I think, but I do get lazy, so I may have to remedy that!  
Voice Inside my Head by miztrezboo, Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy by bemylullaby, Brotherly Devotion by goldentemptress, Changing Perspectives by Orioncat, The Appointment by miztrezboo, and For Better, For Worse by bemylullaby.**

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	5. Cold Hard Truths

_**All things Twilight belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer.**_

_**

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**C5: Cold Hard Truths**

_I got this feeling that they're gonna break down the door_

_I got this feeling they they're gonna come back for more_

_See I was thinking that I lost my mind_

_But it's been getting to me all this time_

_And it don't stop dragging me down_

_**Tranquilize – The Killers (Feat. Lou Reed)**_

_**

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**_I woke up disorientated, beams of light were flashing as bodies moved around quickly. People were running around the dark space tripping over people and possessions. It was pandemonium.

"Bella, it's a raid . . . run,"

Julia was one of the few people who knew my story; she knew that if I was caught and taken to the station I would be placed back into the home. I didn't want to have to deal with that and she knew it. She understood why I couldn't be there.

I felt a weight on my shin and screamed out as I pulled my legs to my chest. The pain shot through my body like an electrical current, but it didn't deter me. I wasn't going to leave without her. She should know better than to expect that from me.

"But,"

"You know how slow I am, they will catch you. I'll be fine; I've been through this before."

A beam of light washed over her and I saw her blink at the brightness. Her face was panicked as she looked towards the source that was getting closer. We both knew that this was it. I tried to resign myself to the fact that I would once again be placed in my own personal hell.

"Go . . . Now, or so help me god, Bella, I will do something irrational."

"Julia," I was shocked at her words, and terrified by her tone.

"I will not be the reason you are broken. I promise, I will be back here as soon as they release me, just go,"

"But . . ."

"No more arguments you stubborn child, get out of here, Now!"

I rolled back onto my feet and yelped at the searing pain of where I had been trodden on. I held out my hand to her but she slapped it away, her eyes became hard as she locked in on me. I was still outside the beam of light, but it was getting closer, and it wouldn't be long until I would be seen.

"Isabella Swan," her voice was almost a growl.

She was livid, and now I feared her blood pressure would rise. I had to do what she said. I stood up on my wobbly legs, the pain shooting up my right leg straight to my stomach, and turned to run. Everything in me was screaming at how wrong this was. I had only been through one other raid before and it was the very reason I was so unwilling to leave Julia.

In the process of the arrest they had broken one of her brittle bones. It hadn't been done on purpose, but I knew I could tell them how fragile she was, I could take care of her. I was torn completely down the center. My heart was pounding so hard my ears were ringing, the flashing beams of light made me dizzy and the pain was making me nauseous.

Stay or go.

Go or Stay.

"Bella, now, before it's too late."

Her voice echoed in my head as I ran through the pain towards the other opening. The bank was steeper but I had no other choice, they were coming from our usual exit and I couldn't avoid the beams of light long enough to get past them. I also knew there would be another group waiting to catch the runners.

The same could be said for this side, but Julia and I had gone over this so many times since the last raid, I knew where to run almost as well as I knew my own name.

I broke out into the dull gray of the night and sprinted with everything I had along the embankment, ignoring the searing pain in my leg. I tripped often and stumbled over the slope as I ran along the incline in a straight line. I wasn't to go up or down just straight until I was far from the chaos.

I knew most would head out and up, it was the natural instinct, but somehow even now, in my panic, I remembered the plan, I remembered Julia's plan. The puffs of white air escaping my mouth became thicker the harder I ran. I was coughing and spluttering and the pain in my leg was bringing tears to my eyes. I knew it wasn't broken, but there was something wrong.

I stopped and looked behind me, my chest burning with the cold breath I was dragging through my heaving lungs. I bent over and gripped my knees with my hands, fighting for breath. I was surprised to see how far I'd run. The bridge wasn't even visible through the snow.

My heart was still loud in my ears and my lungs were still burning with their desperate need for air. I wanted to collapse, I wanted to rest, but out here, like this, I would freeze. I needed somewhere sheltered, I needed somewhere safe. I knew what my only option was.

I headed up the embankment, keeping low to the grass as I climbed. I was sure there would be police cars patrolling this strip of road looking for the ones they'd missed, so I stayed low to the ground. My fingers dug into the freezing earth as I breached the crest to the main street.

It was deserted, not a car in sight, not even headlights were visible. I took my chances and sprinted across the street to the safety of the buildings, cringing as the pain shot through my leg again. I stayed close and worked my way to the first street as quickly as I could without falling flat on my face.

My mind continuously went back to Julia and her broken form under the bridge. I just hoped she was safe. She was so weak and broken I knew it wouldn't take much to break her.

The snow began flurrying down heavier than it had all day and I shivered in my new layers. Even this wasn't enough to keep out the bitterness. I slipped into a shallow doorway that dipped into the building, using it for cover while my heart finally calmed down and my breathing evened out.

Then, the tears came; sobs wracked my body as the heavy drops of water slid down my freezing cheeks. My recovering lungs were once again burning with the dragging of the breaths I was taking.

Why did the good always come with a price? There was always the ying to the yang, the dark to the light. Again, I was stuck in a compromising situation. I was once again out in the night, alone.

I started walking again as soon as my breath evened out; it was so cold out here. The flurries from above grew thicker with every second as if taunting me of my misfortune. If I didn't pick up the pace, I would freeze.

I started off at a slow jog, watching my footing as I ran, I only had a few blocks to go and I would be in the dry confines of my only solace. It would work for me until I made it back to the bridge.

Three more blocks I chanted as I picked up the pace. I was running head down in the wind, eyes on my feet, my freezing hands poised to catch me if I fell over myself. I stuck as close to the buildings as I could, they were the only thing protecting me from the freezing wind. I would soon have to leave its shelter to cross the road, but I still had a block to go before I needed to cross to the other side.

My feet carried me as the wind channeled around my aching body sending the flurries of white puffs into my face. It was thick and I could barely see a thing, I needed to pick up the pace.

I came to the end of the street and darted across the deserted road, but I only made it halfway.

Beams of light lit up the street, and I knew it was too late, I couldn't move fast enough to get of the way. I froze, my wide eyes trained directly to the beams of light as they closed in on me. Then I heard the sickening crunch. Everything went black.

**

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**

When I came around, I knew I was alive; it was cold, too cold. Wetness seeped into my clothes through the layers making me shiver violently. My body ached and my head throbbed. I heard a car door open and slam closed. I heard footsteps get steadily closer to me.

"Oh shit,"

The voice, I knew that voice. Two strong hands grasped my arm gently and rolled me onto my back. Everything hurt, and I went through a mental checklist as I was moved. As far as I could tell, nothing was broken, but there would be extensive bruising.

"Bella?" There was panic in the voice now and I tried to open my eyes, but I was just too tired to even try. I wanted to answer him, I wanted to tell him I was fine, but my eyelids were heavy and my throat was dry.

It wasn't until the beeping of buttons started that my true awareness came into focus. My mind switched into self preservation mode. It was a cell phone, a cell phone dialing 911.

I groaned; it's all I could manage.

"Bella,"

My eyes fluttered open and I saw my own personal angel looking down on me, panic written clearly across his features. The phone was still up to his ear as his warm hand brushed stray hairs from my face.

What were the odds?

"Jasper?"

"Jesus Bella, I'm so sorry, are you alright?"

I tried to sit up and found myself moving with more ease than I had expected. Sure it hurt, but I could move on my own volition, that was certainly a bonus after being hit by a car.

Jasper's fingers tilted my head so he could see my face properly. His warm fingers ran along the line of my jaw as he checked for bleeding.

"I'm calling 911."

"NO!" I croaked, my throat burning with the intake of air.

A flicker of confusion passed behind his eyes, my lungs were burning as I pulled in breaths of ice cold air. Jasper hung up his phone without a second thought. His eyes were watching me cautiously. Almost as though he were waiting for me to get up and run like a wild animal.

We sat in silence, just staring at one another, our breathing rapid and panicked. He looked undecided for a moment before placing his phone in his pocket.

"Do you hurt anywhere?"

"No," I lied.

To my surprise he let out a chuckle. I could feel my eyebrows rise in surprise.

"I'm sorry, you're a terrible liar."

I couldn't help my eyes rolling at that. I tried to stand up, ignoring the shooting pain in my leg. I slipped and fell flat on my ass again. Great, just freaking great, I just got hit by a car, if that wasn't klutzy enough, I had to slip and fall on my ass again in front of the one person I never wanted to see that side of me.

I was humiliated and sore, not to mention exhausted. With that, I covered my face in my hands and cried. Further humiliating myself, I wondered how I must look to him, how weak I must seem.

"I'm sorry," My voice was strangled and pitchy, but his arms wrapped tightly around me, pulling my head into his chest as I bawled in front of him for the second time in one night. I felt pathetic.

I could feel him moving around me as he guided us both to our feet; he pulled me into a tighter embrace as the tears rolled down my frozen face. Now I was stood up, everywhere hurt. The palms of my hands were scuffed, my knees and thighs had too much cold air blasting on them and they stung . . . a warm trickling indicated I was bleeding from the wounds. My entire right side throbbed in pain and my head was pounding progressively worse as I cried.

I was a mess, and I didn't need to see myself to know it.

The shakes from the cold began to overtake my tears, and all too soon, my teeth were clattering together from the cold. Not even the heavy coat and sweater were helping because they were soaked through.

"Damn, Bella, come on," Jasper moved from around me making the cold all the more prevalent. He held me at arms length and looked at me from head to toe. "You're bleeding pretty badly; I think we should take you to the hospital."

"No, I'll be fine, I . . . I,"

I what?

I had nowhere to go.

I had no one to turn to.

I couldn't go anywhere people would ask questions?

Sure, that would go down well. Every answer raised questions, questions I wasn't quite sure I wanted to answer yet. I knew they would come up soon, I couldn't run from this conversation for long.

The only thing I did have was the free clinic when they opened in the morning, and I knew I would be too stiff to even try and get there on time.

"Are you . . . homeless?"

He hadn't known? I had assumed the misfortune he'd mentioned in his letter meant he'd understood, but obviously I'd misunderstood. Hearing him say it made it sound terribly dirty, like it was a sin, like I had a choice and I had put myself in this position.

Yet he didn't run, he didn't look at me like I was a parasite as most did, there wasn't even pity in his eyes. Just concern, sadness, and worry.

"Come on," He led me to the passenger side of his car, and pulled open the door.

I backed away.

"Its fine, I promise I won't hurt you,"

I almost laughed . . . almost.

"I'm bleeding, I really don't want to ruin you nice car,"

I'd have to pat myself on the back for that one . . . that was genius. I didn't want to go with him because I was worried about our destination. Would he take me to a shelter where they would check me in, where I was at risk of being caught? Would he take me to a hospital where they would ask too many questions and inevitably call the police? Would he take me directly to the station?

"I don't care about the damn car, you're hurt, and I need to get you help. My uncle is a doctor; I can answer any question he has with a lie if necessary; you just need to get that checked out."

"I really don't think that's a good idea, I could get you both in trouble,"

"Please, just get in the car where it's warm and we'll talk about it, you're freezing and terribly stubborn."

I laughed at that. He had me pegged.

Relenting, I climbed into the car, flinching a little as he slammed the door closed behind me. I shuddered once as I watched him walk around the car to the other side.

The heat was blowing from the vents directly, warming the air that filled the interior. My muscles slowly began the descent from tense, to relaxed. I felt so much better, but I knew it was only a matter of time before the aches began to take over my body.

The wind blew in with flurries of snow as Jasper pulled his door open and climbed in. For the first time since I'd met him, there was a slightly loaded silence between us.

"Bella . . ."

"Maybe I should tell you my story . . ." I cut in sighing. My eyes were still on the heating vents in front of me. "Then you can decide if you want to take me anywhere, let alone to your uncles."

Jasper sighed and put the car in gear pulling away slowly. "You don't need to tell me anything, Bella,"

"After everything you've done for me, it's the least I can do."

"Fine, I'll drive you talk,"

"Where are we going?"

"My house, its a couple hours drive out of the city but . . ."

"I can't go to your house!" I squeaked, lifting my head to look at him.

Was he insane? I knew he lived with his parents for one thing, for another, who brings strays home? It was insanity, he didn't owe me anything, there was no reason for him to go out of his way to make me feel better, and then there was the issue of my safety. I didn't know him from Adam. Sure, he'd done nothing but prove his chivalry to me from the moment I met him, but that didn't mean anything.

Jasper's fingers tightened around the steering wheel, flexing, making the tendons in his arms move. It was highly distracting. I needed to focus.

"Look, I need you to trust me, Bella, I won't hurt you and whenever you're better, I will take you back if you want me too. But I can't, in good conscience, walk away and leave you in this state."

My flight instincts were not helping me in the least; I had no compunction to run away from him. To me, he was safety, there wasn't a bone in my body that pulled away from him, or pushed me to run. I couldn't understand it.

It was with this thought, I knew I would go with him, even if I ended up in a ditch somewhere. I still wouldn't deny they way I felt when I was with him. It was ridiculous.

He must have seen my resignation, sensed the hesitance. I wasn't hard to read.

"I'm taking your silence as acquiescence,"

He stepped a little harder on the gas and took off towards the freeway. We rode in silence for a while before either of us said anything.

"You've already figured out that I'm homeless," I whispered. My chest was rising and falling with the breaths I was taking. My heart was pounding again, echoing in my ears.

He didn't answer, he nodded.

"My mom left my dad and me when I was three. She didn't want to be tied down, she didn't want the responsibility of a child, and she hated being the mistress in my dad's marriage to his job."

"What does your dad do?"

The question was in the present tense. That hadn't been lost on me, so I answered the best way I could.

Honestly.

"He was commander of the SPD SWAT team; he died saving one of his men. He'd seen them in the line of fire and he took the bullet, he fought as best he could, but the doctors couldn't stop him from bleeding out."

"I'm so sorry,"

I nodded, still unsure of the response to that comment. So many people had said that to me after Charlie died and I still didn't know what the acceptable retort was.

A fat wet tear rolled down my newly warmed face. The pain of his loss never truly eased, it was still as strong as it had been the day his men had shown up at the door to tell me he was fighting for his life.

He'd died an honorable death, and I was sure, whether he'd ever say it to me or not, it was the way he wanted to die. In the force, doing what he loved; Charlie had never been one for grand gestures, he was a man of few words, but his love of his job and the men he worked for was evident.

"His SWAT team had always been like an extended family, every one of the guys had offered to have me come live with them, but the state believed it was counterproductive, that it was putting me right back into the same situation I had been in."

"So they put you in a facility?"

I nodded again. Jasper released all of the air from his lungs in one gush of breath.

"So you ran?"

"After the first beating, I knew I couldn't survive in there alone. They were like dogs, they worked like a pack."

I ran my fingers over the tiny scar on my forehead. The memory flooded my mind making me cringe. The four girls had moved quickly and quietly, two pinned me down while the other two kicked and punched me. They were smart and kept most of the beating below the neck, but when I had been tackled to the ground I'd hit my head on one of the small bookshelves.

They'd managed to break a couple of ribs in the process, but I didn't tell anyone, I couldn't. They had promised the next would be worse. There was no other way out. The only option I had was to run, and it was, even now, the best idea I'd ever had. I didn't know where I would be if I'd have stayed and endured the torture.

"So how long have you been on the streets?"

"Eighteen or so months," I sighed, looking down at my lap again. "I almost died last winter, but I was taken care of by another homeless woman called Julia. She nursed me back to health and showed me the ropes."

"Shit, Bella, how many run ins have you had?"

"It wasn't a run in; it was hunger and the cold,"

Jasper shook his head; I could see that it was unfathomable to him. Living on the streets would have been just as incredulous to me if someone had told me something like this. It wasn't something you couldn't ever truly comprehend unless you'd been there and experienced it for yourself.

No matter how many stories you hear, no matter how many things you experience, nothing can prepare you for living through it. The darkness, the cold, the hunger and the exhaustion; all of it was so much more suffering than I could have ever conceived.

"I still don't see why you can't go to the doctor,"

"I'm a runaway Jasper; they'll either arrest me or put me back in that home. I have less than a year and then I can claim my dad's retirement and his insurance."

"Then what, Bella?"

"I get somewhere to live, and find a job,"

Silence converged throughout the car again as Jasper kept driving. The street lamps of Seattle were now behind us and an all encompassing darkness surrounding the car.

"What if you're seriously hurt, I saw you limping."

"Look, give me a day or two, it'll go away." I laughed. I had had enough broken bones to know exactly what they felt like and the pain that came with them. I was heavily bruised, and from what I could tell, that's all it was.

"Are you serious?"

"I'm a klutz, and I've had enough broken bones to know that I haven't broken anything. It's just bruises."

Jasper let out a low chuckle. "A klutz huh?"

"I know that you've noticed,"

Jasper let out a full laugh at the comment. Of course he'd noticed; it was the third time in the matter of eight hours he'd saved my life.

A comfortable silence filled the car as Jasper continued to drive through the night. I didn't even know where we were going. I really didn't need to know. I had decided to take him up on his generosity while I could. It wouldn't last long, and I had no idea what was in store for me, but I trusted him. As illogical and inconceivable as it was, I truly trusted him.

Almost as if to prove my point, my heavy eyes started to flutter. The pounding and throbbing of my body was merely a dull ache. I knew that wouldn't last. So I let the darkness envelope me.

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**A/N: I know some of you are probably wondering why Bella trusts him so completely, why when her head tells her how irrational and dangerous it all is, her heart tells her to trust him. I figure that she's a pretty good judge of chapter for one, and she really doesn't have all that many options to choose from. I guess it wouldn't make for a great story either!**

**I would like to remind you all that there is a larger and more detailed sneak peek on the thread, posted every Friday. There's a link on my profile. There is also a sneak peek every Thursday on the Fornication Station blog. There is also a link to this on my profile.**

**As always, thank you to the talented miztrezboo, bemylullaby, goldentemptress and orioncat. Bemylullaby has posted the start of For Better, For worse. It's amazing and in my faves. Then there's Voice inside my Head by Miztrezboo, seriously, it's my addiction! If you haven't read it, where have you been? Brotherly Devotion by goldentemptress, more UST and passion than you can possibly image Delish :), and Changing Perspectives by Orioncat, the story is so gritty and real that I eat it up, it's amazing.  
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Thank you for all the alerts and faves and thank you so much to the REVIEWERS, you guys serious are the most fabulous people and I love each and everyone of you. You ROCK!!!**


	6. The House Behind the Trees

**_All Things Twilight belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer . . . oh the possibilities!!_**

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****C6: The House Behind the Trees**

_And I find it kind of funny  
I find it kind of sad  
The dreams in which I'm dying  
Are the best I've ever had  
I find it hard to tell you  
I find it hard to take  
When people run in circles  
It's a very, very  
Mad World  
Mad world_  
**_Mad World by Gary Jules (cover of Tears for Fears)_**

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I woke up with a start, I was too warm, and I could hear the constant hum of the car moving across the asphalt. Then I moved and everything came back to me. The car, the ground, and Jasper . . . Getting in the car with Jasper.

I sat up with a start and groaned as every inch of my body protested. The dull aches worked through my muscles as they stiffened.

"You okay?" Jasper asked, his voice practically a whisper.

"Just achy, where are we?"

"Pulling into Forks,"

"Forks?"

"Where I live," he chuckled.

I closed my eyes and and rested my head against the back of the seat. The whirring of the tires hitting the asphalt was hypnotizing, lulling me into sleep again. I didn't open my eyes again until the sound slowed considerably.

"Bella, we're here." I let my eyes flicker open at the sound of his voice and tried to contain the gasp.

Jasper pulled his car up to a large iron gate. The house couldn't be seen because of the abundance of trees that hid what was beyond the curved driveway.

"You live here?" I asked, hoping it was a gate to a small community rather than just the one house.

"Don't let it intimidate you," Jasper sighed. He pressed a button in a small box the hung from his visor. "We lived in a tiny two bed roomed house before my mom got her inheritance."

I could see the disdain cloud his handsome features. It was blatantly obvious he resented their wealth.

"Forgive me for asking," I sighed, looking down at my hands twisting in my lap. "but you really don't seem that enthralled about it."

"Money changes everything, it changes people. I had never understood greed truly until I was dropped into this situation"

The gate clanged and vibrated as it came to a stop leaving it wide open. Jasper put the car in gear and pulled forward slowly.

"I always believed money could only make things better. Stop the greed that accompanied poverty. I never once believed it would fuel it. Money doesn't bring happiness, it just makes unhappiness more bearable."

Jasper looked miserable about his admission. I wanted to disagree, but I could see the conviction set in his jaw. He had lived both sides of life. He lived through the greed of poverty, the desperation of having nothing. Now, he was living through the greed of aristotatic socialites. Having everything but wanting more.

Maybe he was right, I had never lived in this world. Charlie had always kept us comfortable, and what ever we didn't have, his unspoken paternal love made up for.

As we made our way around the curve of the drive, the air gushed from my lungs. The house that sat at the end of the drive was huge, I had never been close to a house like this, let alone been inside one.

"How many people live here?" I asked, shifting in my seat uncomfortably.

"Me and my parents. I know how ridiculous that is but they insisted on fitting in with the upper-crust."

I looked back at the house and tried to swallow, but the air caught in my throat causing me to almost choke on it. The large stately house looked as though it was straight out of the English countryside. One a noble person may have lived in. It's warm natural stone created almost a Gothic look as it sat comfortably among the surrounding forest. A small pond sat directly in front of the house reflecting it back.

It was beautiful, but entirely too much for three people.

Jasper pulled up to a large exterior building and pressed another button on his visor. The garage door rolled up, giving Jasper enough room to squeeze in between the other high performance vehicles lined up inside. I was suddenly feeling like this was the worst idea I'd ever had.

"I shouldn't be here," I spat out, turning in my seat to face Jasper. I winced as my muscles burned and ached painfully.

"You're hurt Bella, if you still want to leave when I know you're okay, that's fine; but I won't let you suffer on the streets like this."

"What about your parents? I could really see them being thrilled about me being here,"

Jasper chuckled and opened the door on his side of the car. "If you knew them, you would realize how absurd that assumption is. My parents enjoy their money entirely too much to enjoy their house."

"You mean you're here alone?"

"Most of the time. They have a vacation home in Monte Carlo."

I looked up at the house through the back window again and tried to imagine being alone in something that big. It was ridiculous. It could probably comfortably house most of the people living under the bridge. Jasper's door slamming made me jump from my thoughts.

I swallowed the groan of pain as I moved in my seat and pushed open my door. Jasper was stood at the front of his car looking down at it with a pained expression. I got up biting back the cry of pain that worked through me as I stood on my beaten leg.

"How bad did I beat your car up?" I joked, leaning against the car for support as I adjusted to the pain in my body.

"I think you bore the brunt of it," Jasper laughed, his eyes lighting up. "I'll take it down to Dowling's in the morning, it's nothing that can't be fixed. I'm more worried about you."

"I'm fine, just a little bruised."

Jasper rolled his eyes and came around the car, his arm wrapping around my waist, supporting my weight. He started out of the garage, hitting buttons on a keypad as we stepped out of the door. I felt small tingles running throughout my body where his limbs connected to mine. My heart pounded in my chest, making the ache even worse. Being this close to him was indescribable, and he smelled so good.

"We'll run you a hot bath, it may help with the aches."

I fought back the squeak of delight at the word bath. I hadn't had a decent shower or bath in a week. They were a luxury that came few and far between. There was a truck stop out on the interstate that had bathrooms with showers for truck drivers, but it was a five hour walk. It would take an entire day to get there and back.

Jasper walked us slowly to the house, his endless patience was astounding. Shooting pains and aches made conversation impossible as I hobbled along, and he seemed to sense it too. He unlocked the door with his car keys and pushed the door open, helping me up the small step and into the cavernous kitchen.

"Don't be offended Bella, but I'm going to carry you up the stairs."

"I . . ."

"I know you can do it yourself, but it may take a while." he chuckled, "The sooner you get up there, the sooner you'll be comfortable."

I nodded once, looking up at him from under my lashes. He bent his knees, and scooped my up into his arms in one quick movement. I couldn't stop gasp from escaping this time. The movement had caught me off guard an I hadn't had time to prepare myself for the sudden movement.

"Damn, sorry. That's not helping at all is it?"

His face was so close to mine as he searched my eyes, I could feel the familiar prickling the preceded the tears and I tried with everything I had to not let them form as pain ran through me feeling like daggers against my flesh. I was in agony. It had be getting progressively worse since I'd opened my eyes.

"Just go," I mumbled, hoping he understood what I was telling him.

Jasper hit the stairs quickly, I could see he was concentrating as a small line formed between his eyebrows. He was trying not to move me. He was trying to keep my body steady so it wouldn't hurt. I didn't have the heart to tell him that it was pointless. Every point in which our bodies connected hurt like hell. I think my whole body was bruised.

He moved quickly once he got to the second floor, weaving throughout the elaborately decorated hallways to what I could only imagine was his room. I tried not to look around too much, it looked like a museum, and only intimidated me further.

I felt safe in his arms, and had it not been for the immense pain searing through me, I would have been quite content in there. It scared me a little to admit that. Here was someone I hardly knew, well, didn't know at all, and I felt at ease with him. His smell was amazing, I couldn't even describe it other than the masculinity of it. I tried to concentrate on it, take my mind away from the pain and enjoy this while I could.

"Here we are,"

He pushed open a door with his foot, revealing a large room that looked like a suite. There was a small living room with a flat screen TV hanging above a fireplace. Behind the large overstuffed couch, there was a vintage desk with a laptop apple computer sat open. On the other side of the room was a huge king sized bed, all very modern looking. Two smaller doors lined one of the walls, which I assumed was the bathroom and closet.

There was so much more to the room, it had small technical gadgets sprawled throughout, but I would never touch them. I wasn't good with technology and I would just end up breaking things in here. Thankfully, the couch looked comfortable. Then, as soon as I could convince him I was well, I could go back to my life, back to waiting, back to the last year of desolation..

Jasper sat me down on the edge of his bed with an apologetic smile.

"That really wasn't my greatest idea, I'm sorry,"

"It got us up here faster, and it wasn't really all that bad," I answered. I could say it with a little more conviction because I had enjoyed the closeness of him, even if I did have to endure the pain.

"Right, well," He grinned, rubbing the back of his neck, "Let me go run you a bath and get you some clothes."

I opened my mouth to speak but was quickly cut off by his eye-roll.

"I know I don't have to do that, but I am so just sit tight and relax."

"Thanks,"

Jasper laughed, and disappeared from the room, leaving me alone. I took a little more time looking around. It looked as though he was a clean guy, nothing was really out of place. There was a couple things hanging around on the desk, and an acoustic guitar resting soundly against the couch; but other than that, there was nothing untoward.

What the hell was I doing here? I was so torn. I liked Jasper, probably more than I should. I also trusted him impeccably, but it was all so irrational, I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't trust him, and I sure as hell shouldn't be harboring some kind of crush on the guy. What the hell was I doing?

This place, his home, was so much more intimidating than any situation I'd been in before. Even in the alley. I had expected that, been almost prepared for it to happen eventually. What I hadn't expected, was Jasper coming to my rescue more than one in less than six hours.

His room was decorated to perfection, I could only assume that his mother had done it for him so he was comfortable. From the way he spoke about her, she was much like him. In control and aware of the conflicts having money brought to their lives. What I couldn't understand, was how she left him here alone. If she was as conscientious as he'd made her out to be in the parking garage, how could she just go?

"You okay, you look like your concentrating real hard on something,"

I hadn't heard him come back into the room, so his voice shocked me, making me jump and wince as the pain took over again. I'd let my guard down too much. Today was proving to be a disaster for my usual skills.

"Sorry, didn't mean to sneak up on you." He chuckled, approaching the bed slowly. He was holding a blue and gold shirt along with a pair of basketball shorts.

"I was miles away,"

"You looked it, anything interesting going on in that mind of yours?"

Jasper perched on the bed next to me. His body turned slightly so he could look at me.

"Just admiring your taste. Your room is amazing."

"Oh, that wasn't me. It was plain and boring for the longest time. I only had a small bed and my guitar in here. Then I was adopted by my best friend. Alice did all of this, she has a gift for design."

"I'd say,"

"Here," He held out the things he was holding to me with a smile. "It's not much but it's the only thing I own that will fit you."

"Thanks,"

"The bath is full and ready to go, if you need anything give me a shout. I put some towels on the counter for you."

"Thanks, Jasper,"

He did nothing but grin at me and nod towards the bathroom.

I prepared myself for the pain before I moved. I knew it was steadily going to get worse before it got better. I was a big enough klutz to understand that much. My battered skin would take a while to form all of the bruises that I was sure covered my entire self.

I pushed up from the bed with my hands, the subtle movement was excruciating, but I persevered. I moved slowly with a heavy limp towards the bathroom, I slid inside the steam filled room and pushed the door closed.

It was huge!

There was a door that obviously led to the closet, the old large bear claw tub stood almost in the middle of the tiled room. There was a big enclosed steam shower in one of the corners and the large vanity and custom sink ran along the adjacent wall. Another intimidating room.

I peeled my stiff clothes from my body and let them fall to the floor. They looked so dirty in the room, against the small white tile. I wiped the steam from the mirror and groaned internally. My entire body was different hues of purple and red. Small swollen bumps were on my hips and knees. Scratches and scrapes lined my body where I'd landed on the road, and my leg was swelling quickly.

This was worse than I'd imagined.

I made my way over to the tub and stepped in. The hot water made my skin burn and my bruised body ache further, but it felt too good to stop. I lowered myself in further, whimpering sightly as the hot water reacted to the bruising and swelling.

Each knot in my muscles unraveled as I took my time soaking in the hot water. Jasper had left me a variety of soaps and shampoo's. I took my time, enjoying the rare luxury. I was extremely tired, as the aches eased with the relaxation I found myself drifting slowly. My eyelids were heavier than I'd expected them to be, and my chin made a slow decline to my chest. There was no fighting it.

"Bella?"

I started, making the cooling water slosh around the tub as I jumped awake. My body screamed in protest to my sudden movement. I didn't even know how long I'd been in here.

"Yeah?"

"Oh, I was just . . . you were . . . Just wanted to make sure you hadn't fallen asleep,"

"Thanks Jasper,"

I finished in tub and climbed out. Pulling the drain out as I struggled to get out. I was moving around like a ninety year old, it took all of my effort to lift my leg over the side of the tub, and was exhausted by the time I had the towel wrapped around me.

I looked in the mirror again and fingered the small cut on the side of my head.I was a mess, and I hated that Jasper would have to see that because I knew he would feel responsible. I was the one that hadn't been paying attention. It was my fault.

I ran my fingers through my hair trying to get the tangles out, but it was useless. My unruly natural curls weren't cooperating. I pulled on the clothes the shirt had Forks high Spartans on the front, and it was huge. The shorts, I was glad they had a draw string, and the legs came down to my shins, covering most of the bruises there. I hoped it would hide most of my injuries.

Jasper was sitting on the couch strumming on his guitar when I finally talked myself into going back into the room. He looked up as soon as the door opened and all I had to offer was a sheepish smile as I made my way over to him.

"Feel better?" He asked, placing the guitar back on the floor and leaning the neck against the couch. He moved over, sliding to the side so I could sit down.

"Yes thanks,"

"I know you must be tired, I was thinking you can take the bed and I'll take one of the guest rooms."

"No!" my voice was pitchy. I don't know why the thought of staying in this room alone scared me but it did. "I'm not kicking you out of the room. I'll sleep on the couch and you can have your bed."

"Bella, you need to heal, sleeping all crooked like on the couch ain't going to help you."

"If it wasn't for you, I'd be sleeping outside on the floor. The couch is fine."

"I'll make a deal with you, I will sleep on the couch, you take the bed."

"Jasper,"

"I could still take the guest room,"

He didn't play fair at all, he seemed to know how nervous I was about staying alone. He was using it to his advantage.

"Fine,"

Jasper smiled and jumped to his feet. I still hadn't sat down, I was putting it off, in all honesty it just hurt too much.

He walked over to the bed and pulled down the comforter before disappearing in the huge closet and pulling out blankets. I watching him quietly as I hobbled towards the bed. I still felt weird about taking his bed.

"It's really early, I figured we could catch some sleep. Figure everything out in the morning?"

I nodded, still watching him, still overwhelmed by his kindness. I lifted my good leg up and put it on the edge of the bed as I tried to climb in.

"Fuck!"

I looked around at Jasper, his eyes were wide, his face pale, and he was looking right at me. It was then that I realized that my shorts had ridden up my leg, and the t-shirt had shifted a little.

"Just bruises," I reassured him. Yeah sure, it felt like I had been hit by a freight train, but all of it would heal. It just took a little time to work off the stiffness. Bruises faded with time.

"Not _just_ bruises, your leg looks three time the size of the other."

"It'll go down, really, no need to freak,"

Jasper walked towards me slowly as I moved to lay on my back, my body slowly easing down until I was laying down, he stopped at the edge of the bed; his eyes meeting mine. He looked down at my leg and back, almost as though he was asking permission.

"Do you mind if I take a look?"

I wasn't sure why he felt the need, but I agreed regardless. His fingers pulled the material of the shorts back, I knew I hadn't shaved my legs in a week, and it would have been an impossibility in the bath, it was better than the times I'd had to wait for a month, but still, hair was hair.

His fingers ran over the swollen lump on my shin, sending a shiver up my spine and a small shooting pain to throb in the lump. I winced a little, trying to hide the reaction as best I could. I could tell he was barely touching the leg, but it felt as though he was pushing against it.

"Pass me a pillow," he mumbled, still staring at the angry swollen leg.

I pulled a pillow from the bed beside me and held it out to him, he took it and laid it by my leg. His eyes hot to me and back to the leg. I could see him concentrating, his eyes turned a deeper color, his forehead creased slightly, his lips pushed together.

"I'm going to lift up your leg, and put the pillow under it. It will help take some of the pressure of it and stop the swelling, tomorrow morning, I'm taking you to my uncle,"

"You promised," I pouted, pushing myself up and supporting myself with my elbows. Pain crackled through my side, but I bit it back. You said a couple of days, Jasper. I . . . you . . . gah!"

"That was before a welt the size of Texas appeared on your leg, well until I saw it anyway. You need to get it looked at."

Jasper gently wrapped his fingers around my calf and lifted my leg, settling the pillow underneath. He lowered it back down. I could feel the shorts ride a little further up my leg and cringed. I knew he'd see my scuffed knees. I was just glad he couldn't see my body under the shirt, it wasn't pretty.

I closed my eyes hoping he wouldn't notice, but his fingers touched around the cuts and I heard the sigh he pushed out. This was just getting worse.

"How bad is it? What else are you hiding?"

"Nothing, I'm fine."

He didn't believe me, his eyebrows rose on his forehead as he looked at me. I should have kept my mouth shut, I lied horribly, and it was only more evident when I spoke.

Jasper walked around to the other side of the bed and sat down next to me, he looked upset. I had no idea what to say to him, so I lowered myself back onto the bed and turned my head to look at him. He was sat cross legged looking torn. I knew I was putting him in this situation, and I wasn't helping.

"Fine! I'll go," I whispered.

"I know you're nervous, but he's my uncle, my mom's younger brother. He's in his early thirties, he's a nice guy, he won't do anything to get you caught."

Jasper shifted on the bed, laying on his stomach until he was eye level with me. He pulled the other pillow on the side of the bed under his chest, so it was propping him up. "I promised you wouldn't go back to that place and I mean it, even if I have to hide you in my closet till your eighteenth birthday."

"It's not your responsibility, you don't even know me."

"No, not really, but I want to."

"Jasper . . ."

"I know you've had a rough couple of years Bella, I'm not ignorant."

"You said . . ."

"And I will, _if _that's what you want."

"Fine, I will see your uncle tomorrow," The sooner I was out of here the better. I was playing a dangerous game, and now there was another player. I couldn't let him take the fall for my decisions.

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**A/N: I know it's a teensie bit slow, and not much really happens, but I needed to establish the setting for Bella. So you would understand the contrast in her circumstances. The only question is, how will she handle it.**

**As always a shout out to my girls Miztrezboo, Bemylullaby, Goldentemptress and of course Orioncat. Oh and M.V. Cullen!! You know who you are . . . *grin***

**Thanks for all the alerts and faves, and thanks so much to all the Reviewers!!! You guys are seriously phenomenal and I love hearing what you guys have to say. You Rock!!!! (My responses may be a little slow for a couple days, work is a pain, but the evenings are free =])**

**Don't forget about the extended preview on the forum every Friday, the link is on my profile, and I will be posting images on there too. Jasper's house will be posted soon I promise :D  
**


	7. A Strange New friend

**_Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer, and the lyrics belong to Wolf Parade and their label. As for me, I currently own. . . *giggles* _  
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**Chapter 7: ********A Strange New friend**

_I heard all your reasons_  
_ I heard all your plans_  
_ I have seen the seasons_  
_ Clutched up in your hands_  
_ You're the one eyed feather_  
_ You're the lion's mane_  
_ Swear you've heard the weather_  
_ Calling out your name_  
**_Dinner Bells - Wolf Parade  


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I hadn't even realized we'd fallen asleep on the bed together. When I woke up, I was disorientated and confused. I was too comfortable. It took me a moment to focus and remember, but then came the pain.

Pain seared through my body like flames, lapping at my muscles as I attempted to move. My head turned to the side and my brain began pounding against my skull. That's when I saw him. Lying exactly as I remembered from the night before. The pillow tucked under his chest, the other end holding his head while his arms were crossed beneath it.

We'd been talking for a long while, talking about what I'd seen and what really happened out on the streets. He was appalled of course.

I couldn't remember when I'd fallen asleep, or who had fallen asleep first, but I was struck by the peace that fell over his features as he drew long breaths in and blew them out.

Then it all started clarifying as the fog in my head subsided. What I did remember, however, was him insisting on taking me to see his uncle, the doctor.

I pulled the covers from me slowly. Holding back the moan of pain that was building in my throat. The muscles in my arms and stomach burned with the movements. I tried to be silent, but when I moved my legs, I whimpered in pain. I could feel the swelling as I moved them, and especially when I swung them from the side of the bed.

I bit my tongue and looked back at Jasper, he was still so peaceful, his blond locks falling gently into his eyes as his body shifted. I sat for a second, just watching him as he slept. I didn't want to do what I was about to do, because I didn't want to leave him. Yet, I really didn't think that I had much of a choice.

Doctors asked questions. Questions I couldn't answer, because the answers would put me back where I didn't want to be. At least on the streets I had a family. People who I cared about, people who cared about me.

Then it dawned on me . . .

Julia!

A cold shiver ran down my spine. I left her all alone out there while I slept in a warm bed, the feather down cradling me while I slept. I hadn't even considered her till now.

Guilt ebbed through me making the pain throb through my body. I had to get back to Seattle. I had to make sure she was alright.

Closing my eyes, I mustered all of the strength within me and said a last silent goodbye to the boy on the bed. He'd been more than kind to me, he'd saved my life in more ways than one. Just being close to him had given me hope. I wished circumstances had been different, but we were from two separate worlds.

I pushed up from the bed, and touched both of my feet on the ground.

I hadn't expected the pain to consume me. I knew it would hurt, I knew that the swelling would make it difficult to move around, but I never expected it to knock the wind from me completely. Before I realized what was happening, my body hit the floor, an agonizing scream pouring from my lips.

"Bella!"

Jasper's warm arms encompassed me as he slid quickly from the bed. He pulled me upright and into his chest as I cried. Cried in pain, and frustration. I didn't want to hurt him, and staying here would only ensure that. It would hurt us both, nothing could happen here other than heartache.

"What were you doing?" Jasper whispered, his full lips resting against my hair as he held me.

"I . . . I was leaving," I sighed, my breath stuttering as I drew in oxygen. "I didn't want to hurt you, you've been so kind, but Doctors ask questions, I can't go back, I can't!"

"Shh, Shh." He smoothed my hair down my back in long easing strokes. His body heat radiated from him. Warming me through the thin t-shirt and shorts of his I was wearing.

"I'm sorry."

He didn't say anything more, he just did what he could; he held me. His arms were like a tourniquet stopping the pain from eating me alive. Stopping the guilt from riddling my mind. He just was, and it was almost frightening how comfortable I was.

He held me silently, his face buried in my hair until the sobs subsided.

"Do you trust me?"

"As irrational as it sounds, I do," I sighed.

And it was irrational, there was no reason for me to trust him so implicitly. Of course I would be at ease with him, he'd proved on more than one occasion that he was kind and honorable; but to put every ounce of faith I had in him was simply preposterous. Yet, I couldn't stop the draw I had to him, the pull. It was easy to be around him.

"I'm going to call my friend, Alice. I think she can help us out. What size clothes do you wear?"

It was a question I hadn't been expecting, and one I didn't even know the answer to. None of my clothes fit me, they hadn't in a while. Most came from the charities that handed out clothes in shelters. They wrote down names, so Julia had always gotten them for me.

Julia.

The fear and memories of leaving her behind crippled me again. I tried to even my breath so my fear wouldn't be so evident, I really didn't want to hurt his feelings, but Julia was the only family I knew.

"My friend, Julia, oh God. I don't even know what happened last night. I have to get back, I have to check on her."

"I promise, we'll get to that, but you can't go anywhere in the state your in. Your leg is black and swollen, your neck is black where that bastard strangled you. Your face is bruised. Then there's what I haven't seen." He rubbed his right eye with his fingers. "I know you must be covered in bruises from being hit. Let's just take one step at a time. I promise, we'll check on your friend, I'll even put her up in a hotel until we get something more permanent arranged. First, we need to call my friend Alice."

"I need to see her soon, she can't move when the weather's like this!"

"I promise, as soon as we see my uncle, we'll figure something out. You can't even walk right now."

I nodded, relenting. I couldn't help Julia in this state. Maybe, if I did what Jasper asked I could get back to her and help her. I was all she had, especially on these cold days were she could barely move.

Jasper picked me up slowly eliciting a cry of pain from me before he lay me back on the bed. His face tensed at the sound and I would have given anything to take that second back.

"I'm sorry, Bella."

"I wouldn't have gotten up on my own," I admitted.

He nodded tensely. "I'll be right back. I left my phone in the car. Are you hungry?"

I felt the blush rise in my cheeks as I nodded. It wasn't until he'd said something that I'd even thought about food. As soon as the heavy door clicked closed, the heels of my hands rubbed my eyes; the damp spots making my eyes ache even more.

I was fighting back another wave of tears.

I hated being incapacitated and dependent on someone else, especially when that someone was entirely out of my league. I couldn't move my own body around without falling down. I was hopeless, and useless.

I pulled the pillow Jasper had been using over my face and cried into it. My whole body shook with sobs sending more waves of pain through my body. What had I done? How the hell had I managed to get here?

I hated this.

I cried until my throat burned and my chest ached, even dragging in the air was painful. I didn't know how long Jasper had been gone, but it was long enough for me to cry myself out. I stayed under the pillow trying to gather myself together. I was wallowing in my self pity.

"Bella?"

I took a deep breath and forced a smile on my face before I pulled the pillow that I was hiding in away.

"I brought you some ice, it may bring the swelling down a little. I don't know why I didn't think of it last night. This is gonna sting a little."

Jasper gently laid the ice pack on the huge black swelling on my shin. Even his delicate touch brought tears to my eyes.

"Sorry, I know that hurts."

"It's fine. Thanks, Jasper."

"You're welcome. Do you want me to help you sit up so you can eat?"

I nodded, holding my breath as his hands shifted under my arms and pulled me up into a sitting position. He situated pillows behind me before nodding for me to sit back. His face seemed to reflect every ache I felt as I leaned back on the bed.

"I'm afraid it's only toast and pop tarts, my culinary skills leave a lot to be desired."

I smiled, I hoped I would eventually get the opportunity to return the favor one day and make him a decent meal. I used to cook for Charlie all the the time.

"It's perfect, thank you. So what's the plan?"

Jasper's worried face rolled into a comfortable grin as he perched on the bed next to me. He pulled on leg under him and twisted his body carefully so he could face me.

"I called Alice, she's coming over to help you in the bathroom. She's bringing you some clothes too. I haven't told her anything yet, I didn't know if you'd be comfortable with her making assumptions before she's even met you. I know I'm not."

I nodded and smiled, my mouth full of toast as he spoke. I didn't care what anyone thought right now, I had too much on my mind. I had also been judged every day for the last year or so, one more person really didn't bother me. I swallowed my toast and smiled.

"It doesn't matter to me, but if it makes you more comfortable, that's fine."

Jasper smiled and shook his head.

We sat quietly munching on the food he'd brought up, smiling at one another at random moments. We talked a little more about Charlie and Renee, and his parents, Charlotte and Peter. Peter had been an alcoholic before the inheritance had been received, one of the first things Charlotte had done with the money had been to put him through rehab.

Jasper theorized that they spent most of their time away from home, because Peter was running away from his addiction. That Peter didn't want to admit how weak he was, how strong his temptation was. So they stayed away, only spending varied holidays at home with Jasper.

I was still having a hard time believing he lived here alone.

"So how long do your parents stay away at any one time?"

"Anywhere from a month to six, why?"

"I just can't believe you stay here alone, it's so . . . so . . ."

"Big, quiet, scary?" he laughed, snapping a corner off one of the now cold pop tarts. "It's not so bad, the accountant takes care of all the bills and all I'm expected to do is go to school."

"It's just so quiet, I know you don't get scared but still, you're so far away from, well, anything."

"It's peaceful, and my friends always drop in and out. Right now Edward, Rosalie and Emmett are in College on the east coast so it's just Alice and I."

"Did I hear my name?" A beautifully petite girl waltzed into the room, her porcelain skin glowing in the dull gray light streaming in from the windows. Her short raven hair was worn in a style I highly doubted anyone else could pull off, but she looked like she's just been styled and stepped from the pages of a magazine. If she hadn't have been so vertically challenged I would have imagined she could make a killing as a fashion model.

"You have quite an affinity for hearing your name in passing comment," Jasper laughed, standing up from the bed and moving across the room to hug his small friend.

"If you wouldn't use it in such an over abundance it wouldn't be a problem now would it?" she asked, squeezing him tightly. "Now, what was so important that you have me coming over with handfuls of Rosalie's clothes. I raided her closet, she'll kill me when they get back for Winter break."

"I will explain, but first, I want you to meet my friend, Bella," He stepped out of the way and walked towards the bed with his ever winning smile. "Bella, this is, Alice. My best friend and co-conspirator."

Alice was still stood in the same spot. Her blue green eyes wide with shock. I ducked my head realizing what I sight I must look.

"Hi, Alice,"

Jasper let out a chuckle beside me. while Alice, stood with her eyes still wide, appraising the situation.

"What . . ."

"I wanted you to be here to explain. I know it looks bad, but we need your help, Al."

Alice nodded before moving to the very end of the huge bed and perching on the corner. Her eyes flickered from me to Jasper and back again, as she waited for one of us to start. I could only imagine what was running through her mind right now.

Jasper looked to me and I nodded I didn't think I could explain it again in less than twenty-four hours. It wasn't something I particularly enjoyed talking about. Not to mention that I had cried myself out completely.

"Where to start?" Jasper sighed, rubbing his eyes with the same two fingers as he had before.

I shifted uncomfortably and bit back the yelp of pain. Where to start indeed.

Jasper launched into the story, he explained that he'd been in Seattle to visit his cousin, how he'd helped me when I'd been knocked over, the fact that, against all odds he'd heard me scream and came to my defense, how he viewed my situation.

It was interesting hearing it from his perspective, because it was so different from my own. I hadn't realized that he'd really seen me when he picked me up from the ground after the crowd had knocked me over. I hadn't realized that his cousin had, in fact, noted my appearance and made the assumption I was simply poor.

Alice sat silently through the whole thing, her eyes moved between the two of us as he spoke, she lingered on my neck as he explained how he'd come to my rescue, about the situation he'd found me in.

I wasn't sure her eyes could get any bigger, but when he started explaining how he'd hit me with his car, I was sure her eyes would fall right of their sockets.

"You did what?"

"I didn't do it on purpose, Alice!"

"Obviously, Jasper, but you hit her. With your car!"

"It was my fault," I whispered.

Alice's eyes shot to me. It was the first time I had spoken since Jasper started telling the story. "I darted across the road without factoring in the blizzard. By the time I saw the car it was too late. The snow was so thick; it couldn't be avoided."

"He hit you. With his car?" she asked in disbelief.

I nodded but closed my eyes briefly as the ache overwhelmed me again. Alice looked to Jasper as though he were completely insane. In her position, I would feel the same way. He didn't know me from Adam. He knew my history, which he was now explaining to Alice, and he knew why I was in the situation I was in; but he didn't know everything. There were some things I was to ashamed to even let him know about right now. Maybe for him to ever know, but I really did trust him, just as much as he seemed to trust me.

I listened as he told her a condensed version of my life. A sad story in which a girl makes a decision she sees as the best thing she can do for herself, but could easily be deemed as self-inflicted by others. No one could understand the things I'd gone through since Charlie's death, I wouldn't be going into too much detail either, no one needed to hear the worst of what I'd been through.

By the time I had come out of my inner musings, Alice was sitting in the same spot staring at her hands as tears dropped from her chin. Jasper was rubbing her back in gentle circles.

"What do you need me to do?" she whispered. Her head turning slightly so she could see me in her peripheral vision.

"Well, she needed clothes for one thing, I think she'll need help bathing, and I was hoping you would come with me to take her to see Carlisle."

"I can do that," she sighed, her eyes raising from her lap. "If Bella's alright with me helping?"

"I really would appreciate it, I'm having a little more trouble than I thought I would."

Alice nodded and stood up, offering her hand to me. I didn't know how her tiny frame was going to help me. I knew I couldn't walk on the leg that had been trampled on during the confusion, and the other was just as bruised from hitting the asphalt after the car had plowed into me.

Jasper was immediately on his feet, his warm hand in mine.

"You sure you can do this? I can carry you if you think it would help."

Alice giggled behind him and I leaned to the side so I could see her. I gave her a smile and looked up at Jasper again. His warm sapphire were waiting for an answer.

"I think I need to at least try it," I laughed. "You can't carry me everywhere."

Jasper nodded and stepped out of the way so Alice could attempt to help me. I moved slowly, bending to pick up the ice pack that was still numbing the large swollen spot on my leg, the color was resembling a blueberry, a deep dark purple color that reddened around the edges. Maybe my initial belief that it wasn't broken was completely wrong.

I slowly slid myself from the bed, letting my toes touch the ground. There was no pressure on my legs at all, but I could feel the pain echoing through my body already. I had to push the pain away, I'd had it worse than this before, I could do this.

Alice watched me with congenial eyes. Somehow, I knew she could see through the calm facade I was exuding. She stepped closer again with her hand still raised offering her support. I took it and pushed myself from the bed, she pulled me the rest of the way.

I was finally on my feet. The swollen leg lightly touching the ground as my other held all the weight. The muscles strained against my weight making me wobble slightly.

Jasper stepped forward. His arms outstretched to steady me. Alice looked at him pointedly before stepping towards me and closing the gap.

"She's got it, Jazz, give her a minute."

I breathed in and out, taking measured breaths as I tried to block out the pain that was running through me. I took a step forward and tested the water slowly. It hurt like hell, but I pushed myself forward, putting more weight on Alice as I used my bad foot to take the next step.

It took a while, by I was exultant by the time we reached the bathroom. My breathing was labored and I was close to panting as Alice closed the door with a click.

"Would you prefer a shower or a bath?"

"I need to wash my hair so I guess a shower," a bath sounded amazing though.

Alice led me to the counter and placed my hand on the smooth surface so I could steady myself.

"Bath it is then," She smiled. Dancing towards the huge garden tub. "If your hair's the only thing you're worried about, I'll wash it for you. I know how it can be. I fell down the stairs in our house a couple of years ago and badly bruised my ribs. The only thing that would ease it was the bath tub."

"Thank you, Alice."

Alice smiled and turned on the water tested the heat of it as it came from the faucet. She looked at me shyly and smiled. I knew she must have hundreds of questions for me, and I really did want to make it easier for her.

"You can ask me, I won't get offended,"

"What do you mean?"

I laughed, she looked so conflicted, I couldn't help myself.

"I know you have questions, and I won't be offended if you ask them. I know how strange this must all look to you."

"It's not that . . . I just, well, I wonder if you would tell me about the home you were in?"

"Of course, do you mind if I get in the water first?"

"Shit, sorry."

I shook my head. I hated that she was apologizing to me when she was the one extending the altruistic gesture. I should be the one who was sorry. I should be the one answering her every question as soon as she asked them regardless of my current level of comfort; but in all honesty, standing here was exhausting me.

"Please don't apologize, you're the one taking time out of your day to be here. I should be the one apologizing."

Alice rolled her eyes at me as she tested the water in the tub and adjusted the faucets again. I knew she wouldn't say any more about the subject because it was getting us nowhere.

"Do you feel comfortable undressing with me in the room? Or would you prefer I leave?"

"I may need your help," I sighed, closing my eyes in embarrassment. "I don't think I can't lift my arms that high."

"Don't worry, it's nothing I don't have myself, and our friend Rosalie is a bit of an exhibitionist."

"Really? Jasper hasn't said much about them, other than their on the East coast," I offered, smiling.

"Yeah, well, he and my brother have butted heads in the past; so I doubt he sees that as much of a loss,"

I nodded as I worked the shirt from my arms with as little movement as possible. Alice pulled the shirt over my head slowly.

She gasped.

She froze on the spot.

This couldn't be good.

"Shit, Bella, you're whole body is bruised!"

I covered my breasts by crossing my arms and turned slowly to look in the mirror behind me. She wasn't lying. From my neck down, there was a formation of bruises, each was a different size and shade but were close enough together to make it seems as though my entire torso was one big bruise. My ribs were black and it worked it's way down under the shorts that hung loosely on my waist.

This wasn't good at all. There was no explaining this without hitting upon the truth. The doctor was going to know. The doctor was going to call the police.

"This isn't good," I whined petulantly. I knew I sounded like a child but I couldn't help myself.

"It'll be fine, we'll figure something out. Jasper won't break his word."

I nodded. I knew she was right, but how could I trust a doctor? I didn't think I could. I just had to believe in Jasper and what he promised me. I refused to go back to that hell hole, yet, I still unfathomably trusted Jasper.

If he truly believed he could pull this off I had to believe it too, the sooner we did this, the sooner I could get to Julia.

I pulled on the string of the shorts and let them fall to the ground. Both of my hips were black, my thighs were raw, and my knees were scuffed.

Black and blue all over was in a literal sense. From the obvious hand marks around my neck, to the bridges of my feet had some form of bruise or scrape.

"You're a mess."

"I know, but bruises fade with time."

Alice nodded and held out her hand for me to take. I felt awkward and terribly exposed being like this in front of her, but she didn't seem at all phased. The girl was an anomaly.

She helped me into the bath and disappeared into the bedroom to pick out some clothes for me to wear. She was gone for a while and I took the time to let the water ease the aches from my body.

I tried not to think. I tried not to dwell on what we were about to do. I knew they were trying to help me, and I felt ungrateful about complaining so much. Everything Jasper had done for me so far, had been nothing short of extraordinary. Why did I expect this to be any less?

Alice returned to me with a small smile. I imagined Jasper had been answering questions she'd been too uncomfortable to ask in my presence.

"You ready for your hair to be washed?"

I nodded and rearranged myself in the tub. I wanted nothing more than to pull my knees into my chest, but even a movement as small as that would be excruciating.

Alice's fingers made quick work of the washing process. She was gentle, taking care to lather it to the ends, and rinsing without getting any soap at all in my eyes. Her fingers on my scalp seemed to relax me even more.

I got out of the bath and into a pair of sweats with juicy written across the butt, as well as a nice t-shirt and a matching hoodie. I felt ridiculous. I had never been into the whole girlie scene, and the very pink material made me feel like a siting duck, a cubic zirconia amongst a sea of diamonds.

Alice towel dried my hair and ran a brush through it slowly. Ignoring my screwed up nose as she fought the tangles that had taken up permanent residence there. By the time we reentered the bedroom, Jasper was pacing.

"What's got your panties in a twist?" Alice asked, rolling her eyes.

"I called Carlisle, he's at the hospital. He told us to meet him in his office in an hour. That was thirty minutes ago."

"Why didn't you let us know?"

Jasper shrugged and Alice shook her head again. "Then you only have yourself to blame, Jackass,"

Jasper raised his eyebrows and came around to my other side to help.

Mastering the stairs had been worse than I'd thought and did nothing but fuel the pain that ran throughout me. The calming effects of the bath had been completely counteracted by the hurried movement I was over exerting myself with to make it to see Carlisle on time.

Alice insisted on taking her big Yukon, because she was convinced it was easier for me to get in and out of. I didn't complain and I didn't comment. I just watched the two of them banter back and forth like an old married couple. They had an ease between them and it was easy to see why they could be such good friends.

We pulled up to the building with time to spare. Alice had a lead foot and the reflexes of a wild cat.

She drove like a cop.

I listened to them both argue about her driving as they helped me into the building. Jasper was commenting about getting me to hospital alive, and Alice would counter with the argument of getting me here on time.

"I'm here alive, and on time!" I said, when I'd had enough.

"Thanks, Bella," Alice said, beaming at me.

The doors dinged as they opened and the same blond haired doctor from the clinic was stood on the other side.

"I could hear the two of you coming from a mile away," he laughed.

"Sorry, Carlisle," Jasper said, giving Alice a pointed look before wrapping his arm around my waist. He tried to move my frozen body, but I held my ground.

"Bella?"

I knew I must of had a deer in the headlights look about me, but I could do nothing to unfreeze my features.

"This is your friend?"

Carlisle's voice was calm and held no hint of suspicion, but I still couldn't move. What if he recognized me? Could he possibly remember me from the clinic when I took Julia?

Carlisle nodded and smiled at me with the same look Jasper had given me the first time we'd met.

"Alice, why don't you take Bella here into my examination room. Esme's expecting you."

Alice smiled and nodded, her arm wrapping around my waist as she moved us forward.

"Jasper, you come with me."

My mind started reeling, and I knew Alice must have felt the resistance in my body. Panic started eating away at me, my palms dampened and I could feel small beads of sweat appear on my forehead, yet I was strangely cold.

"Bella?"

Alice sounded concerned, but I couldn't bring myself to look at her. All I could see was flashbacks of the few days I had spend in the facility.

I couldn't tell whether the aches in my body were from this ailment, or ghosts from my past experience.

"You're shaking, what's the matter?"

I looked around and noticed for the first time that Jasper and Carlisle had already gone.

"He knows me, Alice. He worked at the free clinic down in Seattle. He was there when I took Julia!" I exclaimed. I wasn't sure if she would understand what I was telling her.

"I know you're scared, Bella, but you have to trust me when I say that Carlisle is one of the good guys, he wouldn't do anything to put you in danger, and he trusts Jasper's judgment, just as I do."

"But . . ."

"We won't let anything happen to you," Alice said firmly. Her arm flexing around my waist.

I nodded, I had to recede and trust them, I had no other choice.

Alice opened a door to a small reception area. She strode into the room with an air of confidence exuding from her. Something I could never hope to obtain.

Seated behind a desk was a beautiful woman with warm honey colored hair.

"Alice Masen? It's been such a long time. How's your brother and parents?"

"Good thanks, Esme. How are the girls?"

"Trouble. I'm glad for the couple of hours solace Carlisle provides me with. If I didn't have this job for some grown up time, I think I would go a little crazy."

"I don't believe that for a second. Esme, this is our friend, Bella. Bella, this is Carlisle's wife, Esme."

I smiled warmly at the friendly woman for as long as I could without grimacing in pain. I had been stood up for too long, but I wasn't going to complain. Their kindness had already exceeded it's limitations.

"Yes, Carlisle's been expecting you. You can both go back to the examination room. Bella, you look very uncomfortable."

"I'm fine thank you, Esme."

"No she's not," Alice sighed, pulling me towards the room. "You know, there's bravery, then there's stupidity. It's a fine line, but I think you crossed it."

Esme giggled at her, bemused and continued on with what she was doing. As Alice guided me into no mans lands.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you so much for the amazing response to the last chapter. I can't begin to thank you enough for the kind words and encouragement you all sent my way.**

**I know some of you were thinking Edward was the Doctor in the clinic, but alas, it was sweet Carlisle. I know some of you are still wondering where Edward is, and I all I can say is he will be here, but all in due time :)**

**My good friend Bemylullaby has her story, Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy in the age of Edward competition. It's an amazing one shot and has a very wonderful warward!!! I highly recommend it, and if you enjoy it, don't forget to vote when the time comes. She also has a story called For Better, For Worse hich is amazing, and so well thought out.**

**Then there's my obsession, Voice inside my Head by Miztrezboo. It's coming to an end, but the writing is amazing. As sad as I am to see it go, I am excited for her next project the Appointment. All the usual suspects, and one very Sexy Bella!!!**

**Don't forget Brodev, by goldentemptress . . . tasty suiteward and his manly seductive ways :)**

**Thanks for all the alerts and faves, and once again toi the reviewers. You guys truly are amazing and YOU ROCK!!**

**Much love and big hugz ~ Weezy**


	8. Time Changes Nothing

_**Disclaimer: All Things Twilight belong to the awesome Stephenie Meyer**_

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**Time Changes Nothing**

_What have I become?  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know  
Goes away in the end  
You could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt_

**_Hurt - Nine Inch Nails_**

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"Why are you so antsy?"

Alice's eyes were expectant as she helped me onto the small table covered in a thin sheet of crinkly paper. I tried to ignore the pain but it was becoming so much more intense with every second that passed.

"What if he decides he can't over look this, even for his nephew?"

"He won't do that. Even if he does, do you think Jasper will let you get taken away?"

"He's eighteen, Alice, there's nothing either of you can do for me."

Alice sighed and sat on the bed next to me. She threw her arms over my shoulder casually and leaned her head as gently as she could on my shoulder.

"Just trust us, I promise you, if something does happen, we will do everything in our power to stop you from being taken away. I'll even fly you to New York to hang out with my big brother and cousin. Let's just cross that bridge when we come to it. Worrying solves nothing."

There was a small tapping at the door that drew our attention away from the conversation. I looked up in anticipation, I still felt apprehensive even with Alice's reassurance.

"Come in."

"It's only me." Esme's voice filled the now silent room as she peered around the door. "Carlisle asked that you wear a gown. He needs to assess how extensive the damage is, the gowns are in the drawer just under you. If you need anything, just give me a call."

"Thanks, Esme," Alice said, answering for me.

Esme pulled the door closed on the way out and I turned to Alice.

"Is this normal?"

"Have you seen yourself? You're not exactly inconspicuous, there's no hiding the damage."

I nodded. She was right, and I was being paranoid. She asked me to trust her, and I was going to try.

Alice helped me change into the gown and held my hand as we waited for the doctor. She was just as much of a godsend as Jasper was, and she seemed to simply accept me, and all the baggage that came along with me.

I couldn't stop my mind from returning to Julia again and again. It was so cold and I doubted there was going to be any relief soon. When we'd stepped out of Alice's Yukon, the bitter air had been so much worse than I'd remembered. My selfish bout of fear was beginning to seem inconsequential now.

I was sat here, in a warm room with my new friend and new clothes. She was still stuck with nothing, in the freezing cold, in the damp by the river. Her arthritis probably making it impossible to even feed herself. I was glad I'd given her the money, but knowing she had no way of getting up the embankment worried me.

"You're shaking again, you alright?"

"Anxious."

"Bella!"

"Not about that, my friend Julia, she's still in Seattle, still under that bridge. She's old and can barely move I just . . ."

The door opening rendered me silent. I didn't want to say too much. Alice may understand, but there was no guarantee that the only two adults in this situation could possibly see where I was coming from.

"All dressed?"

"Yes, sir."

Carlisle's warm smile filled his face as he stepped in and closed the door behind him. He took a seat in a small rolling stool that had been sitting against the opposite wall of the office. He had a small file in his hands as he came to a stop in front of me. I couldn't help but eye it suspiciously. It seemed all my worst fears were coming true. He pulled a pen from the file and clicked the top. The sound seemed to echo through the room like a gunshot.

"Want to explain what happened?"

I shook my head. There was no way in hell I was giving him my life story.

"Look, whatever you say in this room is covered by the doctor-patient confidentiality clause. You can keep Alice in the room, or ask her leave. It's your choice, but I want you to know you can trust me. Do you think you could do that?"

"I know this may be hard for you to understand, sir."

"Carlisle,"

"Carlisle, but I don't think I can. I don't want to lie to you, and if I did, you would see just how bad I am at it; so I would prefer not to say anything at all."

Carlisle sighed and nodded. His warm smile returning to his lips as he appraised me again.

"I appreciate your honesty. Now, let's get down to business. As far as the paper work goes, I'm putting you down as Jane Doe so you have full anonymity. Jasper wouldn't say why, but he preferred me to do things this way. Is that alright with you?"

I nodded and watched him scribble in the folder, his messy handwriting looked like an intricate series of loops and swoops, how anyone read that was beyond me.

He rolled himself closer and cupped my calf in his warm hand. His fingers merely brushed over the skin but it was enough to bring tears to my eyes. He placed my foot on his knee as he continued his examination.

"How did this happen?"

"I was stepped on, it wasn't intentional, just an accident. It was dark."

"I think, and without an x-ray, I can't be sure; but I think you have a hairline fracture on your tibia. The swelling is in the right place, but I'm concerned about it being a break."

"It's not."

Alice, who'd been quiet up until now, and Carlisle, both looked at me curiously.

"Gravity and I have conflicting opinions. We don't always agree, Charlie used to say . . ." I snapped my mouth shut and bit my tongue.

Why was it so natural to bring up his name? Especially here.

Maybe I was feeling nostalgic.

I'd spent a good deal of my childhood in hospitals and Doctors offices.

I'd said Charlie's name so easily . . . the memory had come to me so easily. My mind flooded with images of him trying to teach me football, it was the first time I had broken my arm. He'd taken me to the S.W.A.T. training site and I had broken my foot jumping from one of the hurdles in the assault course.

Before I realized it, a tear dropped from the tip of my nose and into my lap.

Alice rubbed my back gently in circles.

"Okay, so you're clumsy," Carlisle said trying to lighten the mood that had descended over us. "So you don't think it's broken?"

I shook my head. "No, there was no snap, barely even an impact really. I was walking on it fine, until . . ."

"You got hit by the car?"

I nodded. How much had Jasper told him?

"All this happened in one night?"

"Yes, sir."

"How badly are you bruised?"

"It's . . ." I looked to Alice. I had promised I wouldn't lie to him and I intended to keep that promise. It was the least I could do after what he was doing for me. However, him knowing I was hit by a car at all made me wonder just what Jasper had told him.

"Head to toe," Alice said, squeezing my hand in support.

That was all he needed. Carlisle gave me a thorough examination, pressing along each bone and joint to confirm there was no break or permanent tissue damage. He asked questions and he prodded and pressed against my bruised flesh. He'd even asked me to circle the room twice. He even made me open my mouth to look down my throat while I ahh'd. My entire body ached by the time he was finished.

"Bella, I understand that you believe it's not a break, but I can't in good conscience let you walk out of here without at least an x-ray. Would you please put my mind to rest. I will be with you the entire time. No one will as unnecessary questions."

I still wasn't completely sure but I nodded anyway. He made a couple of phone calls while I sat in the room with Alice and Jasper getting more and more nervous by the second. I didn't want to be here to begin with and now we were wasting time we didn't have waiting for tests I believed were unnecessary.

When Carlisle came back in to take me to the X-ray, he informed me he'd managed to get an MRI for me as well. He wanted to check that nothing inside was damaged. It was the most extensive work up I'd had since being on the streets, and by the time I was back in his office I was hurting all over and half asleep from the clicking of the MRI machine.

"Well, Bella. It' seems you have a hairline fracture on your tibia. You won't need a cast, you just need to rest it and keep the weight off of it for a while. I'm going to give you a splint and some crutches so you can move around on your on volition."

"Thanks Carlisle."

He smiled as he moved around his office pulling out the things he needed. He made some sort of cast for my leg that he showed me how to remove and apply, and Esme already brought in a set of crutches for me. Carlisle tried to give me the best possible advice on how to use them, but I found them more awkward than walking in my leg.

When we were finally finished, I sat uncomfortably on the table, aching considerable more that when I was hit by the damn car to begin with. I knew Carlisle was doing this with his own time and not charging me a dime, so all I could be is grateful. I was indebted to him.

"I'm going to prescribe Jasper some pain pills and diuretics to reduce the swelling. I'm not sure what your situation is, but I doubt you will fill it if I give it to you in your name, and there's no way they'll fill in a Jane Doe."

Carlisle stood up and opened the door. Jasper was sat on the corner of the desk talking to Esme.

"Jasper, can you come in here for a minute, please?"

Carlisle closed the door behind Jasper as he entered and motioned for him to join Alice and I on the bed. Jasper gave me a smile as he stopped on my other side and waited for the inevitable speech.

"Alice, Jasper, I am trusting the two of you to look after Bella. She's going to need to keep her weight off that leg for it to heal properly. I can't put a cast on it, but I will give you a support wrap and cast to keep the swelling down. Jasper, I have written a prescription for some pain pills and diuretics. I need you to follow the dosage instructions; they will make her drowsy, so just let her sleep. Make sure you keep her hydrated at all times; if you have any problems call me."

Jasper, Alice and I smiled and nodded.

"Thanks, Carlisle," I breathed realizing how anti climactic it all was. I could have hopped up and kissed him but that would take effort I didn't think I had. I needed to save it all for the trip to Seattle. I had to find Julia and make sure she was alright.

"Just keep out of trouble, all of you. Jasper out, Bella needs to get dressed."

I dressed with Alice's help and hobbled into the reception area on my own two feet with the help of the awkward crutches. It felt nice to know I wouldn't do too much damage by walking on my leg, no matter how badly it hurt. To have the power to move around on my own was important.

"Don't put too much strain on that leg, Bella."

"I won't, Dr. Cullen, thank you again."

Carlisle smiled and waved us off as we headed out of the office. Jasper and Alice wore matching 'I told you so' smiles as we made our way slowly to the elevator.

"See, painless."

"If you say so," I smiled, ignoring the aches that contradicted the statement. Now, with thanks to the crutches, my armpits were aching.

"Admit it, you were worried about nothing," Alice laughed. She pressed the button on the elevator and leaned against the marble wall.

"I was worried about nothing," I sighed. "It could have easily gone the other way though."

"Well, it didn't, and now, time to get you home and in bed. We'll stop by the pharmacy on the way home and pick up the prescription."

"What? No! I told you I would go as long as you took me to Seattle."

"Bella, I don't . . ."

"My friend is weaker than I'll ever be, I won't leave her alone out there, I can't, she's the only family I have!'

"Bella," Jasper's voice was pleading, but I was feeling too desperate to pay any attention to it.

I stepped out of line between them and headed towards the stairwell that was hidden off to the side of the elevator banks. I wasn't trying to be ungrateful or rude, I just needed to keep my promise. I had promised I wouldn't let Julia down and I fully intended to keep it. I struggled with the crutches against the heavy door and gave up on them almost immediately. Pain shot through my leg but I needed to get out of there.

"Bella, please."

Alice caught up with me and helped me take the stairs slowly. She didn't say a word as we descended, and I appreciated it. The crutches were banging away on my other side as I hobbled down the stairs.

"I'm really not trying to be rude or difficult, Alice. Julia saved my life," I explained quietly. I just needed someone to understand.

Tears prickled behind my eyes with her name, I tried to catch my breath from the exerted effort of taking one step at a time down three flights of stairs.

"I promised I wouldn't leave her alone to suffer, she can barely move, she has arthritis and when it's cold her joints cease up. She'll starve if I don't go back there. We take care of each other. We always look out for one another. I've let her down, I've let myself down."

"Shh," Alice's tone was calming as she squeezed my elbow. "I'll take you, it may not be the most perfect time, but I can see this is important to you."

"I can make it back, really, I don't want you going out of your way more than you already have. I appreciate everything you've done for me, everything Jasper's done for me; but I can't break my word."

"Look, stop being such a damn martyr and except some help when it's offered to you. I'm really not trying to be an asshole, Bella, but you need to swallow your damn pride and just let us help you."

"Alice," Jasper's voice shocked me, I hadn't heard him come through the door at the bottom of the stairs. His eyes were wide and dark as he appraised his friend.

"What?"

"Stop it."

"No, she's right," I admitted, my shoulders slumping as I slowed my steps. "I'm being ungrateful. All you've done since I arrived was help me, and I've made it nothing but difficult for you."

"I didn't say you were ungrateful, Bella. I just think you're stubborn as all hell. We're not going to keep you here against your will, but you need to heal. You heard Carlisle; we're to look after you until your leg heals. So if you're going to Seattle, we're coming with."

Alice's eyes were wide as she dared me to argue with her. I tried to keep a straight face, but found myself giggling.

"What?"

"You looked ferocious."

"Then why are you laughing?"

"I laugh when I'm nervous," I said, swallowing the giggles and trying to maintain a straight face.

"Is it that important to you to go now?" Jasper asked. His eyes were almost pleading with me to say no.

Quite frankly, I would have given anything in the world to adhere to his wishes; but Julia was important. Julia was old and weak, and I couldn't leave her another day in this cold weather. One night was long enough.

"It is. Julia could die out there alone. She only has me to look after her."

"I'm driving," Alice piped up. She pulled her phone from her pocket and hit a button before placing it to her ear.

Jasper shook his head and climbed the rest of the stairs to help me down them, he took the crutches will ease as he offered me his other hand. I was grateful that they were willing to help me, but I couldn't help feeling like a huge inconvenience to the two of them.

"Hey, babe," Alice said, holding my other arm. "I have to go into Seattle for a while, I may be late coming over this afternoon."

I looked at Jasper, and he simply smiled and shrugged.

"Yeah, I'll call you . . . love you too, bye."

She hung up the phone and placed it in her back pocket, her arm moving back to aiding me down the stairs.

"My afternoon is now free."

"I didn't know," Jasper smiled at her. "If you'd call me once in a while . . ."

"Oh shut up, Jazz. You know it's fine as long as he sees me at some point, and believe me, I plan on spending some quality time making it up . . ."

"Oh god, make it stop," Jasper laughed, shaking his head.

"It's what best friends do, Jazz."

"Then I'll have to relinquish my free pass."

Alice raised her eyebrows in question.

"Bullshit," she said loud and clearly.

Jasper laughed and nodded, "Fine, you win that round."

Alice grunted and looked around me at Jasper. "I win every round, you're too damn honest."

Jasper laughed but said no more on the subject. The two of them certainly had a strange bond, but it was refreshing and highly amusing.

They guided me to the car as quickly as they could without causing me too much pain; Jasper helped me in the back, throwing the ever frustrating crutches on the floor below me while Alice situated her iPod on its cradle. This was going to be an interesting trip if the two of them started the same argument they'd been having before the hospital.

"Right, anyone need the bathroom or anything before we hit the road?"

"Stop by the pharmacy, I wanna pick up the prescription before it gets too late."

Alice nodded and stamped on the gas, pulling out of the two parking spaces she'd been occupying. I closed my eyes and listened to the music. It had been so long since I'd heard a new song. I was enjoying the mix. Not that I heard much.

By the time we'd pulled away from the pharmacy I was fast asleep. If they wanted me to trust them, I would.

"Bella."

The humming of the car was still lulling me into a deeper sleep.

"Bella."

A car! That was wrong.

I sat up quickly, groaning at the aches in my body as I did so. It took me a little while to focus and realize where I was, and who I was with. Amazingly enough . . . I still wasn't used to waking up in this situation. I guess after eighteen months on the street, any situation would shock me.

"I didn't mean to scare you." Jasper's voice was calm and reassuring. "We're in Seattle. We don't know where to go."

"Already?" I mumbled, the gray light was still streaming in through the car windows as my eyes adjusted to the light. "How long have I been asleep?"

"Close to three hours, how're you feeling?"

"Better, thanks."

"Where am I going?" Alice asked, turning down the music.

"Where are we?"

"I-5, heading south."

"Exit Seattle freeway, and then exit south Spokane street, I can guide you from there."

I was nervous now we were closer. I hated that the two of them had to see this. If I'd had any kind of choice, I would never have wanted to see this. It changes you, takes away some of the sparkly nuances that life holds, and replaces it with a realistic view someone three times my age should have.

I didn't want to be the one responsible for showing them this side of life. No one should have to see this, no one should have to even think about it, but society forgot about us, society swept us under their proverbial rug so they didn't have to "deal" with a system that doesn't work.

It was too late now; I had brought them into this. I also had a feeling Jasper wouldn't let me walk away from them and leave them at the car. Not that I minded so much, I had grown strangely attached to him. He made me feel safe.

Alice followed my directions perfectly and I guided her to where they could park. This was an industrial part of the city, somewhere I was sure neither of them had been before, and one of the main reasons I hadn't accepted Jasper's offer to drive me home. There was nowhere here that could pass for housing.

Jasper helped me from the car as Alice's eyes widened with curiosity. She pulled her coat around her and locked her doors twice before stowing her keys in the deepest pocket of her jeans.

This was going to be a culture shock for them both. I was highly aware of that.

"If you two want to stay by the car, I'd understand."

"We're not complete flakes, Bella," Alice answered, straightening her back.

"It's not that, it's just . . . Well, I . . ."

I was taking the two of them to a place where the residents would be immediately suspicious after one look at them. On top of that, I didn't want them to see how I lived. Especially after being in Jasper's home. I hadn't thought this through, I had acted impulsively.

I was stupid.

I was embarrassed.

I was nervous.

It was selfish of me to bring them here. I should have insisted on going alone. In my rush to get to Julia, I hadn't considered what it would mean for them. What they would have to see. I hated this, but we were here, and I couldn't change my mind now.

"Come on then," I sighed. Knowing it was too late to rectify any of the mistakes I'd made with all of this. I just had to swallow my pride and move forward. I couldn't keep running backwards, and I couldn't change the past. I had to put up with the hand I was dealt.

Jasper frowned at me when he saw me leaving the stupid crutches in the car, but it was going to be difficult enough getting down the embankment as it was, without adding two more appendage extensions for me to trip over.

We approached the embankment slowly, the ice was still dusting the thinning grass and worn path we'd made over time. The water lapped against the shore sending waves of salty sea air up into the breeze that was dancing around us. It was all so familiar; it was my home; yet it made me uneasy and nauseous.

I looked down the slope with trepidation. There was never any way I was going to make that alone. Even the last time I'd had trouble and ended up going too quickly. The food had been lucky to make it out unscathed in my running endeavor to get down it. There would be no running this time. I was resigned to the fact that I was going to need help down the embankment.

Without me having to ask, Jasper wrapped his arm around my waist and started down the steep slope. I turned my head a little to see Alice followed close behind us, her two tiny hands on Jasper's shoulder as he navigated his way down.

I would never have been able to manage this alone. I found myself once again being thankful for them both being in my life, even with the maladroit air this was providing. Both of them were eerily silent as we reached the bottom, and I could clearly see the discomfort in their eyes as they appraised the darkened area below the bridge.

There was no turning back now.

I hobbled forward, keeping my eyes open for the drug addicts that had caused the raid in the first place. From what I had experienced in my last eighteen months here, I knew there would have been a power struggle after the police left, and for once, I was glad I missed it.

The shadows deepened as I stepped further under the structure. Jasper's fingers tightened into my hip and I could only imagine the death grip Alice would have on his other side.

I limped slowly towards our spot; Jasper's blanket was still there along with my boxes and the white polystyrene cartons we'd eaten from the night before. There was no Julia though.

"She's not here," I said into the darkness, kicking the boxes around. My voice disappeared into the dark. Only to be replaced by a small sharp intake of breath from beside me.

"This is where you slept?" Alice sounded shocked. She had every right to be.

"This is where I live. It's not so bad. It's dry and warm when it's not snowing, and people mostly leave us alone. The raid only happened because there were some drug addicts trying to escape the snow. It happens."

I groaned as I bent myself at the waist to pick up the blanket. Jasper's hand never moved from my waist once as I pulled it from the ground and held it to my chest. I was using it as a link to the woman I'd given it to. I was using it as a lifeline.

Where was Julia?

I looked around the dimly lit area for anyone I recognized or had any kind of contact with in the last eighteen or so months. Anyone who knew Julia would suffice. I just needed to know where to find her.

There was no one, and I could feel the panic rising in my chest. Where was she? Would she still be in police custody? Most of the faces that inhabited the spot were here. Had they been the ones to escape?

"Where is she, she always comes back, she doesn't like to be gone long. The cold, it stiffens her joints and she can't move much. Do you think she stuck out in the streets trying to make her way back?"

"Bella, I . . ."

I could feel the tears prickling behind my eyes, and I wiped my nose with the back of my hand to remove the evidence that I was anywhere near the panic I was feeling.

"Would you mind driving the route to the city jail, I would hate to think she was walking alone, maybe the clinic too. If they kept her out in the cold to long, she would need one of those shot things, to ease the pain."

My hands were shaking as I brushed the hair from my forehead. A potent formula of fear, panic and adrenaline coursed through my body, blocking out the pain I had previously been feeling. I marched forward as quickly as I could. My leg ached; but I ignored it.

"Bella,"

"I have to find her, she could be in pain, please"

"Of course, but . . ."

I didn't listen to the end. I didn't have time for if, ands or buts. I needed to find her soon. It was still bitterly cold and I refused to leave here out on the streets like this. I tried to run, putting as little pressure on my fractured leg as possible. It hurt like hell but I was moving quickly.

I could hear Alice and Jasper following me, but they were silent. Resigned to my self appointed mission. I couldn't get into the jail without ID, but I could check the records in the lobby though. Look her up by her last name.

In the clinic, they would be able to help me; they knew I walked her in most days. They knew I took care of her. I would just have to take the most direct route to both. The routes Julia would take, so we wouldn't miss each other.

"Bella, please," Alice sounded concerned.

"It's okay, she'll be easy enough to find, she can't move fast, I'll just take her usual routes and we'll be able to find her."

"Bella bird?"

I looked up, my eyes meeting the kind gray of a familiar face. My heart stomped around in my chest. He would know; he was just as close to her as I was. He'd help her back, maybe he'd helped her to the clinic if she was in pain. He had before, I wasn't here, I hadn't been here for her, surely he would help. I looked around him but there was no sign of her.

"John, have you seen Julia? I'm worried, she said she would be here, I know I've been gone but . . ."

I stopped talking when I really looked at John's face; the pale seemed to spread across his features like a plague as he appraised me.

"Bella, I thought you knew, I though they'd taken you too,"

"No, Julia made me run. You thought I knew . . . What?"

Tears welled in my eyes as the realization dawned within me. What was he saying? What did he mean? What should I have known? Why wouldn't he answer me?

"John . . ." Sobs had built so quickly in my throat, my voice sounded alien to me. It was as though it didn't belong here, in this moment.

"Bella, I'm so sorry . . ."

"No!"

"It wasn't anybodies fault."

"No!"

"They did everything they could."

"No, no, no, no, no . . . I won't . . . no . . . she was fine, she pushed me away, she told me to go . . . no, no, NO!"

The cold air made me feel lightheaded as everything spun and became blurred around the edges. I needed to hear it; I needed those words to finalize what he was telling me.

"Tell me."

"Bella . . ."

I raised my hand to stop Jasper's next comment. I needed to hear this from someone who knew me, who knew Julia, who understood our relationship.

"Tell me!"

I felt my body sway a little and my legs felt unusually heavy.

"She's gone sweetheart, she died six o'clock this morning."

No!

The word echoed around my head as the world rocked and wobbled around me. Julia was gone. Julia had died. Why did everyone leave me?

Strong arms wrapped around me as my body became just too heavy for my legs to carry.

"Don't leave me." It was all I could manage to push out with the air from my lungs before the resounding dark once again took control.

* * *

**A/N: *Shifts awkwardly in her seat and waits for the hate mail* I know, I'm sorry! Some of you have been worried about her since the start and I didn't have the heart to tell you it was unfounded when I knew what was going to happen.**

**Thanks to the amazing response to the last chapter. You guys are seriously amazing and you really are making this a pleasure.**

**Thanks to my Triplets, Bemylullaby and Miztrezboo. Without the two of them holding my hand I would probably be sat in a closet pulling my hair out . . . ok not quite that dramatic, but they have stopped me from deleting half a chapter when I get frustrated.**

**Thank you to Roo for all her medical advice ;) She rocked it.**

**Thanks for all of the alerts and faves. And to the REVIEWERS!!! You guys are fabulous!**

**Review replies always have sneak peeks in them and if you check out our blog on Teaser Thursday's there's another Teaser there (fornicationstation dot blogspot dot com) and on Fridays a larger teaser and pictures too. I think I put a picture of Jasper's house and Bedroom up there last time. There's a link on my profile.**

**Till Tuesday, Big hugz and much love ~ Weezy (NostalgicmisS)**


	9. Don't Leave

_**All things Twilight belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer, and the lyrics belong to the band and their label. **_

* * *

**Chapter 9: Don't Leave**  
_Somewhere weakness is our strength,  
And I'll die searching for it,  
I can't let myself regret, such selfishness,  
My pain I know the trouble caused, no matter how long,  
I believe that there's hope, buried beneath it all,__**  
Let the Flames Begin - Paramore**  
_

* * *

The steady thrum of a heartbeat was under my ear. It kept me at peace, it kept me in a lulled state. I didn't want to think, I didn't want to remember. I didn't want to believe. She was gone.

Gone.

No longer here.

She'd left me all alone.

Everyone I loved died.

I couldn't do this anymore.

"No," I pushed myself away from the body that was wrapped around my own with as much force as I could muster.

"Bella,"

"No, I can't, you have to leave me in Seattle. I'm cursed, everyone I love dies or leaves me. I'm better off alone."

"Bella, please,"

"I like you too much to lose you that way, please," Sobs crashed around in my chest before making their way to the surface. My eyes, afraid of what they would see were trained on my hands.

I had to get out, I had to be alone. I couldn't stand losing anyone else not like this, it hurt too much.

"We are not leaving you here, Bella, so you should take that right out of your head now." Alice growled from the front seat.

"I have to find her, give her as much of a funeral that I can. She deserved that, she was somebody, she needs to be remembered."

Jasper pulled me tightly against his chest and locked his arms around me. My body screamed in protest but I felt safe, I felt wanted, and I didn't want to give that up, even if I did know he was about to deliver bad news.

His chin held my head tucked into his chest as his thumb ease circles onto the fabric his was touching. I braced myself, so I was ready for anything.

"I called the morgue, I'm sorry, Bella, they treated her as a Jane Doe."

"What does that mean?" I stuttered. My bottom lip was trembling with the pain I knew was about to envelope me.

"Ali, not now."

"Jasper, do you really think it's going to help her to hear this later, when she's calm and rational?"

"Tell me what? Please, just tell me," I said. Sinking my teeth into my bottom lip.

"They cremated her and buried the ashes in an unmarked grave."

Like thunder rolling around the open sky, my heart cracked slowly to pieces. This couldn't be happening. She had to be with her husband, I had made the decision when she'd told me the story, I knew I had to give her the peace and happiness she'd had when he was alive.

"They wouldn't tell me where, I think they jumped the gun a little, but when I told them I would get the media and a lawyer involved, he told me the twenty fours hours would have passed and he was well within his rights. Seeing as you're not family, you wouldn't have been able to claim the body, the police would have asked questions. I'm sorry, Bella, there was nothing I could do. I tried everything I could."

I cried, I didn't hold back this time, I needed to release everything I was holding inside. The pain of losing another person, another guardian before I was ready to say goodbye, tore through me. My fingers tightened around the fabric of Jasper's shirt as he continued to hold me together.

Julia had saved my life, in the short time I'd known her, she'd been more of a mother to me than Renee ever had been. She picked me up, put together the pieces and showed me the ropes. She taught me how to live on the streets and fend for myself, she kept my secret and she kept me out of the home. Even last night, she had sacrificed herself for my freedom, only this time it was the ultimate sacrifice. I was to blame, I was the reason she was dead.

I hadn't been ready to say goodbye to someone else, with each person I lost, I lost a part of myself. I was lost and I knew that the only thing holding me together was Jasper and Alice. I was so afraid of losing them, so afraid of putting them in the dangerous path my life seemed to tread through the earth. What if I was just as bad for them as I had been for Charlie, as I had been for Julia.

They had no connection other than me. It had to be it, I had to be the reason.

"Shh, Bella," Jasper whispered under his breath. "It's alright, you're safe."

I was safe, safer than I had been in months, and I couldn't thank them enough. Their bounding friendship was my only hope, my only silver lining. With this came a new realization, I was selfish enough to cling to that. I was selfish enough to let them hold me in their world until they tired of me, or I stepped a foot out of line. I couldn't let them go, not now, not when I felt more alone than I had since Charlie died, and I realized I was alone. Not now, when the pain of loss was more than I had suffered when I was forced into the home.

"Ali, she's trembling like a tuning fork, what do I do?"

"She's traumatized. I guess, should we take her back to Carlisle?"

"No, please," I choked out the words. I could feel Jasper's movement as he looked down at me with concern. "I'm just tired, I just . . . I want to sleep."

Jasper moved again, and I assumed it was to look at Alice this time.

"I'm fine, I just . . . I just wasn't prepared to lose her without saying goodbye."

I could hear Jasper's breathing change as he prepared to speak again. I hoped he would let this go for now, I knew I was close to shock. I knew I was traumatized. I just need to process it, let it work it's way through my heart to my head. I needed to mourn her, but it was too new, too painful.

"Take us back to my house, Alice. I'll keep an eye on her," Jasper whispered, his fingers flexing against my arm in comfort.

The car was silent for a while after Alice had obviously rescinded to the request. I knew they were both worried. Coming from a life like theirs, death wasn't quite so bitter. There was someone there to cushion the blow. Someone to look after them when the grief was too much to deal with. I envied that. Which in turn made me envy them.

"Bella?"

"Yes, Alice?"

"Would it help to talk about her, talk about things?" she asked quietly. So quiet, it could have been misconstrued as shyness.

"I don't know, I've never . . . I don't know."

"Well, let's try. We can stop anytime you want to. It's just, well . . . sometimes it helps to get it out."

I nodded, it was worth a try, and who knew. Maybe it would help.

"Julia was actually an executive in some big firm in New York most of her life. She met Robert Redford as well as a few other celebrities in her time. but when the company started laying people off she was caught in the cross fire."

"Is that how she became homeless?"

"It's what started it, I think. Sometime between that and moving to Seattle her husband died. I only found out she was married yesterday."

I couldn't stop the sniff that followed. Jasper's arms tightened around me as I tried to process how much had happened in the course of twenty-four hours. The only bright spot being the two people with me now.

How could someone's life change so drastically is such a short amount of time? With Charlie, it had been a shock, but the process had taken a while, from his death, to Julia finding me, it had been a couple of months. It was drawn out, it took it's time to develop from bad to worse.

This time, it was immediate. A whole pile of despair landing slap bang in the middle of my lap, leaving me limited in choices. I couldn't even go back to the streets, at least, not back to the way it had been. Without Julia, I was going to be lost.

"If you don't mind, Bella, could I ask you some questions about how you . . . well, how you got in your position?" Alice asked, I could feel her eyes on me through the rear view mirror.

I knew what she was trying to do, she was trying to distract me from the pain that seemed to be consuming me. The physical wounds had been long over shadowed with my inner turmoil. There was no guarantee that this would work, but I appreciated her candor.

I sat up a little against Jasper, he seemed a reluctant to loosen his grip on me, but my persistence seemed to pay off. He helped me sit up but kept one of my hands in his own. He was sweet, and he was letting me know he was there for me.

"Just squeeze if you want to stop," he whispered under his breath. "You don't have to answer all of the questions."

I nodded once in response, but let my eyes meet Alice's through the small rectangular mirror.

"What would you like to know?"

"Jasper told me how your dad died, but I was wondering where the rest of your family were? Why you were put into a home, instead of placed with one of them?"

I swallowed. The first question could possibly be one of the hardest I had to answer. It always made the guys sound so uncaring, when the truth was, they really had no choice. Each of them had applied for guardianship of me in some capacity, nobody thought I knew that, but I did. It was one of the things that got me through the days on the streets. Knowing each one of them loved me enough to make an effort.

"Well, with Renee, no one knew where she was."

"Who's Renee, Bella?"

"My mother." I never called her mom, she hadn't earned that title. "She decided that she didn't want a husband and kid, and left in the middle of the night. She crushed Charlie, she left him a note!"

"A note?"

"Yeah, she was too chicken-shit to say goodbye in person," I said bitterly, my eyes flashing to the hand that was entwined with Jasper's. His thumb was tracing soothing patterns against my skin, and I was amazed at what the sensation seemed to do to me. Heat seemed to follow the pad of his thumb as it moved. It was distracting, but I was enjoying it too much to ask him to stop.

"That's . . ." Alice trailed off.

"You can' say it, Alice. That was selfish, ignorant, there's a whole dictionary of words that apply to what she did, and none of them are particularly nice."

"So what did Charlie tell you?"

"The truth, but he loved her till the day he died, so there was never any malice in his words. He just didn't want me to have false hope, he didn't want me to depend on her. He knew she wasn't coming back, and he wanted me to be prepared for that."

"He sounds like a great guy," Jasper whispered, his eyes searching mine for something.

"Oh, he was. Brian Green, his second in command I guess, would always tell me how amazing Charlie was out in the field. How many people he'd helped before applying for SWAT. They'd been partners since they joined the force. Uncle Bri, I miss him and Debbie."

"Where are they?"

"Seattle, The have a house up by East Montlake Park. It's where Charlie and I used to live."

"Brian Green?"

"Yeah, we used to ask him how Donna was doing," I laughed once. I couldn't find it in me to laugh, even as overwhelming as the memory was.

Alice giggled quietly in the front, whereas Jasper smiled sympathetically.

"They applied for custody, but were denied because he was in the same line of business or something. There was a legal term attached to it, but I can't remember what it was."

"Conflict of interest?" Alice asked.

I looked at her questioningly.

"My dad's a lawyer," she answered.

"That's exactly the term they used. Brian said if he wasn't a cop, he'd ignore what they had to say, but it was a moot point. There wouldn't be a conflict if he wasn't a cop. Each of them have taken an oath to uphold the law, and I couldn't ask them to break that, even if they had insisted."

"I can't imagine that went over well," Jasper said, his voice quiet. His blue eyes were so intense they made my stomach flip inside of me.

"No, my dad's entire team were at the hearing. All of them were upset, I've never seen a bunch of grown men looking so morose. I'd known half of them since I was born."

"It seems like a really stupid law," Alice sighed. "Do you care if I ask my dad about that?"

"Alice," Jasper said, a small warning in his tone.

"Well, I wouldn't say I knew the person. I'm not stupid, Jasper."

"I know you're not, Ali, but don't you think he'll ask where it came from? Why you're asking?"

"He may, but it wouldn't be the first time I lied to him. You know he still doesn't know about my life on the other side of the tracks."

"Is that what you're calling it now?"

Alice grinned, her eyes lighting up. "Well, if I say a word, he'll know exactly where I'm going."

I was thankful for the slight diversion. I knew what questions were coming next and I didn't want to relive it. I knew that in order to understand why I ran, they would need more information from my time there, but I hated reliving those days. I saw them enough in my nightmares, I didn't need to rehash them again.

"So they just took you away from everything you've ever known?"

"In a nutshell," I sighed.

"Did they take you straight from the court?"

"Yeah, Debbie had to leave, she was pregnant with twins at the time and it was too emotional for her. Brian asked her to wait in the car. He tried talking to the judge, explaining that he'd known me since birth, but they wouldn't listen."

I let my heavy head rest on Jasper's chest and listened to his heart as I gathered the strength to carry on with the story. His fingers twisted in the ends of my hair as he patiently waited for me to continue.

"The social worker assigned to the case escorted me from the courtroom and straight to her car, one hand on my back, almost as though she expected me to run. I hadn't even considered it. I think I was suffering from a little shock, and then there was the resignation. I knew I couldn't expect the guys to go against what the courts had ruled. Their integrity made them who they were, I wouldn't have let them change that for me."

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and saw a vivid reenactment of that afternoon. I tried to give them what I saw from my memory, hoping I hadn't blocked out any of the unpleasant experience.

"The social worker signed me in and disappeared without a word. I was left standing in a small office, the two doors leading out of it were locked. I was so angry at Charlie for dying in that one moment, so angry that he didn't have a plan, that he hadn't considered what might happen to him. He'd taken that risk my entire life, and no matter how many times I tried to find his reasoning, I only came to one conclusion - he never believed it could happen to him."

The tightness in my chest pounded against my ribcage with the memory. I would never tell anyone about the silent conversation I'd had with Charlie that day. The things I'd said to him weren't particularly nice. I was angry and hurt. I was left alone by the one person in the world who'd loved me unconditionally.

Tears left small streams down my cheeks as the echo of my thoughts resounded around my mind. '_How could you do this, Charlie?_', '_I thought you loved me, why would you risk everything?_', '_Everything that's happened to me since you've died has been your fault._'

The pad of Jasper's thumb brushing the tears from under my eyes startled me from my cognizance. The thoughts, still as painfully sharp as they had been on that day made the tears flow freely. How could I have ever considered blaming him? He'd loved me, and I had questioned that.

"When they came to get me from the office, I was startled at how they handled me. The woman's fingers wrapped tightly around the top of my arms as she pulled me through the sterile corridors. She never said one word as we walked. I remember I was startled by her hostility. I was so naive.

"She led me to where the dorms were. Each room had at least ten beds and every one of the kids looked up when I passed. I saw something I hadn't expected to see. No one knew me, I didn't have a reputation to precede me, yet they were all just as hostile as the woman dragging me along beside her. That was when the fear kicked in."

My head throbbed as the visual of the room came into my mind. I didn't want to relive this. I didn't want them to pity me for what I had to go through. It was hard enough for me to even think about and I hadn't been sheltered my whole life.

I knew I would leave out some of the things those girls did to me. I hated to do it, but I had promised myself I would never say it out loud, that I would never relive it in my own mind. The nightmare made that impossible, but consciously, I had managed to block it out.

"The room they put me into, only had six beds," I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to concentrate on the feel and touch of Jasper's fingers on my back. The hand of his I was still holding, squeezed mine with a small excess of pressure. My eyes flickered open and met the midnight blue orbs of the most understanding person I had ever met. He was reminding me of my out. He was telling me to squeeze his hand if I was uncomfortable.

Rather than squeezing, I pulled our hands until they were settled between us. I fed off of his strength so I could get this out. The only other person who knew any of this was Julia. It's was one of the reasons she was so vehement about keeping me out of there.

"Sarah, Jennifer, and Lisa. There were only three of them in the room, I wasn't sure why, but I was quick to find out. They had grown up together, been there since god knows when. The woman that had escorted me there guided me to a bed, and told me it would be where I was staying. The moment she left the room, my life went from bad to worse."

"You don't have to go through with this, Bella. We don't need to know," Jasper whispered, his lips a fraction of an inch from the top of my head.

"It's fine, I think it's something you need to know. It's easier to understand why I ran, why I'm so scared of going back."

I felt him nod rather than seeing it.

"Sarah was the first one to react. She seemed to be the most confident out of the three and it was easy to see why. She approached me and circled me, I could see by the smirk that she wasn't exactly happy to have me there. She tried provoking me, but I resisted the urge to respond. I kept my mouth closed and stood frozen to the spot as the other two laughed at my expense."

I fell into the pictures in my mind as my mouth verbalized what I remembered. It wasn't pretty and I knew I was going to be pitied. That was if they believed me. The encompassing fear filled me as the images flickered through my mind.

* * *

"Seems like they've given us another play thing girls, who wants to take bets on how quickly she breaks?" the blond asked with a smirk, her chin was resting on my shoulder as she appraised her friends. I knew the moment I walked in the door that I was in trouble.

"Sarah, you know I'm always good for a bet. I say six hours."

"Six?" Sarah asked, giggling as she tugged on the stands of my hair.

"Yeah, six. I have something planned this time,"

"I hope it's not as lame as last time. That little slut enjoyed every second of it."

"Fuck you, Jenn, how was I supposed to know she was picked up for prostitution."

"I'll take you on that bet, Lise, and I will throw in ten," Sarah smirked, her fingers dug into the skin on the back of my arm and twisted. "And I won't need an accessory."

"You haven't seen the accessory yet," Lisa laughed, her drawn in eyebrows high on her forehead.

I wasn't sure what or who she was talking about but an ice cold chill ran up my spine.

"Hmm, Jenn? You in or out?"

"In, and if I win, you bitches have to leave me and Jason alone for a week. This isn't a money bet."

"Fuck it, I'll take it," Sarah laughed, giving me a rough push.

The backs of my legs hit the bed and I immediately fell onto it. Cringing as the springs made an awful squeaking noise under me.

"The terms?"

"Eight hours, and I'll not only break this bitch, I'll make sure she never comes back." Jennifer stated. Her eyes were cold as she glared at me from across the room. "I don't need no little bitch messing up what I got with Jason."

"I forgot, he likes new meat, doesn't he?"

"Fuck you, Sarah," she said, her eyes sparking with amusement and anger.

"Game on ladies, first one to break her wins. Lisa, your out if she isn't broken within six hours. Jenn, you fold after eight, and after ten . . ." Sarah trailed off, her body moved slowly as she turned to face me again.

"After ten?" I whispered, unsure if my verbal communication would just piss them off further.

"We get more creative," she growled, kicking my leg with more force than necessary.

Fear ran through my entire body as I realized what was about to happen. What lengths these three girls were willing to go through to get what they wanted. I was simply a toy thing to them. Something to play with until they had broken me completely and taken away any vestige I had of myself.

I was in their world now, and I was highly unwelcome.

The three of them gave me one last look before turning on their heels and leaving the room. There was nowhere to hide, no one to run to. I had nothing. Charlie, what the hell had you gotten me into?

I stayed in the room curled up on the small bed for hours, waiting for something to happen. What other choice did I have? I didn't want to sit here and wait for the inevitable, but it seemed like a bigger risk to go out there, into the halls and whatever else this stupid place had to hold, just to be found in some dark corner, vulnerable and surrounded by people who neither liked me, nor had any alliance to me.

Whatever was about to happen to me, whatever they had planned, was guaranteed to humiliate or traumatize me. Maybe if I gave up now they would leave me alone eventually.

"Hey there,"

I was startled by the guys voice and sat up immediately, pulling my knees into my chest. I had been laid here for goodness knows how long, so I had to expect that he was here for one of them.

"Lisa, told me to come see you," he chuckled, his eyes growing heavily hooded as he stalked further into the room. "She can be quite persuasive when she wants something."

I squeezed my eyes closed, willing him to be an illusion caused by my subconscious fears, but when I opened my eyes, he was still there.

"Please, leave me alone," I whispered, my voice hoarse and cracked from hours worth of not speaking. My mind was calling for Charlie over and over like a mantra. I needed him more in this one moment than I had in my entire life.

"Don't be like that, you don't want to get me in Lisa's bad books do you? Around here we take what we want, and it would be advisable to just let it go. You squeal in here, your life just gets worse."

He crept deeper into the room and stood in front of the bed, his eyes hungry, his hands clenched. He was going to take what he wanted. He was going to take one of the few things I had left from me like it was nothing.

His knees hit the bed directly in front of me as his lips curled up at the edges. He reached out to touch my hair and I flinched from under his fingers and further into myself. This couldn't be happening!

Before I could move again, his fingers curled around my neck and pulled me to him. His hot heavy breath made me nauseous. An ice cold shudder ran down the length of my spine, I planted my hands on his chest as my breathing picked up.

"Please," my voice was weak and full of the trembles that ran throughout my body.

"Ryan! What the hell are you doing in the girl's dorm?"

I heard him curse under his breath as he turned to face the woman stood at the door with her hands on her hips. Her face was pinched and severe, but I'd never been happier to see another human in my life.

"Just welcoming my new friend, what's the matter? Jealous?"

"That's it, out."

My heart pounded in my chest as he backed away from me. He stalked towards the woman, and I realized how much bigger he was than both of us. He turned to me before disappearing out of the door and winked.

"We'll finish what we started later."

Then he was gone.

"I should have known you'd be trouble. You all are. Another indiscretion like that, and you'll be put in detention, you got me?"

I nodded once, sinking back onto the bed. She'd thought I was a part of that.

"Funny thing, you don't look like the promiscuous type."

I wasn't. I wanted to scream it at her, I wanted to defend myself, but it was pointless. They all had a preconceived notion of how I was, they believed I was just like everyone else here. If that was just the first thing to be thrown at me, I didn't want to stick around to see what else they had.

Lisa won. Now I just had to find a way out.

* * *

Silence filled the car now. Alice's eyes were trained solely on the road. They didn't even flicker to the rear view mirror. Jasper's arms were still tightly grasping me, but I could hear the slight change in his breathing. I had shocked them.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," I whispered. "It's just that's how things went down. I didn't want to stick around to see what else they had in store for me. I couldn't."

"No, Bella," Jasper's arms pulled me into his side again. "That's not . . . it's just. How could they not see what was happening right under their noses?"

"They didn't want to see it. It's like everything else, the system doesn't work."

"What do you mean?" Alice asked. Her eyes still not meeting mine.

"You have two types of people on the street. Drug addicts, and the unlucky."

It was the only way I knew to describe those of us who had no other choice but a life on the streets. The drug addicts had all come from situations that could have been helped. Talk to a drug addict and they'll happily tell you about everything they'd been fortunate enough to have before the dabbled.

"The drug addicts, well most of them had stable jobs, wives, husbands, children. They had started taking drugs and let it escalate until they gave away everything the possessed just to find their next hit. The unlucky ones are stuck in a nonsensical cycle."

"I don't understand," Alice said, looking at me for the first time. I hadn't realized how much her avoiding eye contact had bothered me until she finally looked at me.

"You can't get a job without an address, and you can't get an address without a job. The system doesn't work. How is anyone supposed to get ahead in life if no one's willing to give them a chance?  
"You met John. He was a janitor in a big school. I think it was a boarding school or something because he lived on the property. One of the students accused him of theft and he was fired. He had very little money because they docked his waged for his living arrangement and meals. He had nowhere to go but the streets.  
"When he tried to apply for a job somewhere else, they requested his home address, and he didn't have one to give them, so they passed over him. How is that fair? How can these people even have a chance? Julia . . ."

My next words caught in my throat as I let the pain eat at me again. Julia. She had been my responsibility just as much as she had taken me on as her responsibility. I let her down.

"It's okay," Jasper said into my hair, as he pulled me against his body again.

I welcomed the comfort he afforded me, but it didn't make anything right. Avoidance just made it more painful to deal with now. I needed to mourn her death, I needed to mourn my loss. I needed time.

I let my hand cover my face and hung my head. How long could this pain last?

I knew the answer, I was still mourning Charlie, and I had a feeling I always would.

* * *

**A/N: I know she spent a lot of time talking about her own problems, but that had been Alice's intention. She wanted to distract her from the pain she was feeling with Julia's death, but being only seventeen, and never losing anyone, she couldn't possibly understand the mourning process. Distractions are great but they don't last long enough, not while the wound is still that fresh. Bella needs to let the pain consume her for a while so that she can work through it.**

**Hope it was okay. I know that the action was never taken against her, but I couldn't let it happen. I think the threat of what was to come if she stayed is a little more daunting. Ryan had a point to make, Lisa, Jennifer and Sarah were never going to drop it. Let's just say Lisa's little test (Ryan) was the mildest of them. There won't be much more detail on that considering she escaped before having to live through it, and I'm sure most of you can use your imagination. The fight was right after the Ryan incident, and I may touch on that a little later.**

**Bloody Hell, I had a lot to say lol. Thank you all so very much for the kind words and the amazing response. Each of you are amazing and I can't thank you enough. If I was Oprah I would give you each a car! But alas, I am not!**

**Thanks to miztrezboo and bemylullaby, for holding my hand and dealing with my neurotic tendencies. m., you don't get thank you's just yet . . . you know why!!!! lol ;)**

**Much love and big hugz - Weezy**


	10. See Me!

Happy TGutB Tuesday :)  
_**All things Twilight belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer, and the lyrics belong to the bands and their record labels. I just think they fit :)

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**C.10: See Me!**

_And no one  
__Thinks they are to blame  
__Why can't we see  
__When we bleed we bleed the same?  
__I can't get it right  
__Get it right  
_Since I met you

_**Map of the Problematique - Muse**  
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**Jasper POV:**

Sat here in the backseat with Bella, I could feel her body quivering as she fell into her silence. The full circle of emotions seemed to have taken their toll on her and she clung to me like I was the last thing she had. I felt like an asshole, because all I could think about was keeping her this close to me and never letting go. I didn't know where this connection had come from, and I doubted I ever would. Yet there it was, stronger than anything I'd ever felt before.

I felt like I'd known the girl a lifetime. She was painfully honest and completely blunt. Yet, in the same breath she was forgiving and trusting, and after hearing more of her story I couldn't put my finger on why. Why would she trust anyone? How could she?

I could barely fathom I had only known her for twenty-four hours.

I don't know what had come over me when I picked this girl up off the street last night. She was scruffy looking with barely enough clothes to keep her warm in the blizzard, but seeing her knocked over like that and no one taking a second look, immediately made me feel protective. Her Chocolate brown doe eyes had been filled with a terror I hadn't ever experienced.

She was so small and nervous looking as she darted from the small alley hidden by the multitude of bodies all making their way to their next destination. I had stood by and watched as she stepped into the flow of people, only to be knocked onto her ass by the first person that passed her.

I'd thought I had a decent handle on the world. A good look at both sides of the line, but I couldn't have been more wrong. Bella had opened my eyes in more ways than one since I'd met her. She was an amazing person. Stubborn as a fucking mule, but amazing. Her eyes saw things most of us took for granted.

When she took us to that bridge, I was speechless, and if I was being honest; it scared the shit out of me. It was a littered mess of people and smells, all mingled in with the salt water smell from the bay. The people all looked dark and intimidating, but the way in which she strolled towards her sleeping area, I realized she had no fear here. It made me see how tainted I was when I looked at situations like this. How screwed up my mind was from the preconceived notions society shoved deep down our throats.

All I saw was the bad side of these things. The dirty clothes, the smell, the filth. Then came the assumptions, they did this to themselves, they probably got into drugs. Yet standing there, behind Bella and next to Alice; I realized that they were just trying to get by. That they were each trying to make it in the world with the hand they were dealt. It was a profound moment for me.

Alice had been unusually quiet since I'd carried Bella out from the bridge and back to the car. She'd spoken with John briefly to get all the information so we could arrange something. Julia was all Bella had thought about since opening her eyes this morning. It was obvious they meant something to one another. I assumed that the old woman had taken on a motherly role, something Bella had never had from her own mother.

Watching her heart slowly breaking as she came to, had been difficult. Her red rimmed eyes were filled with pain as Alice explained the situation. It was beginning to feel like the only time I had really seen her had been while she was in pain. The shock of being knocked from her feet, the shock of almost being murdered by an overly horny drunk in a dark alley. Then there was me, hitting her with my fucking car.

I'd seen her too damn late.

I'd just finished saying goodbye to my pain in the ass cousin, Alan. Bella was still on my mind; every one of her features was committed to memory as I'd watched her walk to the end of the street and disappear around the corner. She was amazing, the smile she'd given me as she turned to look back at me had stolen my breath from my chest. Her plump bottom lip had been under a full assault from her teeth as she'd stepped away from my view. The image rolled around in my mind over and over again as I headed out.

I pulled out of the parking garage and into the blizzard, knowing full well I shouldn't really be driving in weather like this, but I didn't want to stay another night. Alan was driving me fucking insane, he was still living where I had spent most of my childhood. It wasn't the best side of town, but Mom had made the place look amazing, she had a knack of taking a bad situation and turning it around and making it positive.

Alan hadn't gotten away from that, the asshole had let it start eating away at him. He walked around with a cocky attitude, slamming into people as they passed by, just to get a damn reaction from them. He fought for fun, and that just wasn't my scene anymore. Even if I had used it to defend Bella earlier in the night.

I pulled out into the street and headed towards home. Well, my parents house. I couldn't exactly call it a home not at that point anyway. I had barely gotten on the road when I saw it. There was something in the street, a someone. I slammed on the breaks and begged for them to find traction on the icy street, but I wasn't that lucky. I plowed into her, and almost threw up when I heard the deafening sound of her body hitting the hood of the damn car.

It took me a second to realize exactly what happened. I sat stunned, completely numb behind the wheel of the car, hoping that whoever the it was would get up and run.

I climbed out of the car and immediately recognized my old winter jacket and panicked. Out of all the people in this godforsaken city, why the hell did I have to hit her?

She still wasn't moving when I approached her, and I moved her small body without thinking, it seemed I had forgotten everything Carlisle had taught me in my panic.

"Jasper," Alice's voice pulled me from my reverie. I realized my shirt was a little damp from Bella's tears and I pushed the hair from her eyes without any thought to the process. It just came naturally. She looked peaceful as she slept, her swollen eyes were relaxed, her breathing was steady and rhythmic, blowing small bands of warm air against my neck.

"Jazz."

"Yeah?"

"Is she asleep?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"What do we do? This is so far over our heads. Bella's been through so much," she sniffled, raising her hand from the steering wheel to wipe away a tear. "I don't want to put her through anymore. We can't . . ."

I knew Alice well enough to realize there was no malicious intent in her statement. She was worried, she didn't want us to make things worse for Bella in our attempts at helping her. Alice had taken an instant liking to Bella, so I knew this was just as hard for her as it was for me. Still, I couldn't let her go, there was no other way than to help her ourselves. Even Carlisle had realized that when I gave him the condensed and edited version of the story.

If he hadn't have believed we were capable of helping her, he would never have let her out of his office. He was too good of a man for that. I already had to call him every day and check in with him; to make sure we weren't overwhelmed, and to make sure Bella was alright. He'd given me a lecture on the code of ethics and how much trouble he'd be in if anyone were to find out.

I wasn't planning on letting him down, and I sure as hell wasn't planning on letting Bella down either.

"Alice, listen to me. If we do anything other than give her our friendship, and try and keep her safe, she'll either run from us or be put back in that place, do you want that on you conscience?"

"No, of course not. I just don't want to see her hurt. And I see the way you look at her."

"Not now, Ali, I promise you and I will talk, but for now . . ."

"I know," she sighed, gripping the wheel again with both hands. "For now I'll just be her friend."

"Thank you."

"Sure, sure,"

I couldn't help smiling at her. She had a deeper understand of me than anyone I had ever met. She'd been the best friend I'd ever known, and even now, in this situation, that rang true. She would do this for me, even if it went against what she thought. The girl was a godsend.

Apparently, she was also highly fucking perceptive.

"So, what's the plan?"

"Plan?"

"She's going to stay in your room?"

"For as long as she wants to. You know my parents are never there, and even when they are, they're so oblivious she won't be noticed."

"In your room, with you?"

"I sleep on the couch, Alice."

Well, that was the plan. I really hadn't meant to fall asleep in the bed with her last night. She'd been the first one to pass out, and I watched her sleeping after I'd called Carlisle. He'd given me the symptoms of concussion. I needed to know what to look for.

"Bullshit, I see that look."

"Well, I intended to!"

I saw the smirk in the rear view and I rolled my eyes. Alice knew me better than that.

"Fine, but when you get tired of hiding the girl under your bed, give me a call."

"Nice, Alice."

Alice giggled and stomped on the gas.

It didn't take us long to get home, it never did when Alice drove. She was like a bat outta hell, and she stopped for no one. When we pulled up at my house, the dark of night was beginning to set in. I knew Alice needed to go soon. Her absence would bring up questions neither of us really knew how to answer right now.

Bella was still out when I moved her into my arms and slid out the back of the Yukon. Carlisle had said that she needed sleep and I was planning on making sure she got all she needed.

"Call me later?" Alice asked, after she'd rolled down the window on the passenger side.

I nodded, and she knew it wasn't just acknowledgment of her question. It was a nod that said thank you, a nod that said I wouldn't have been able to do this alone.

She gave me a small smile before throwing the vehicle into gear and tearing off down the drive.

I shifted Bella's weight in my arms and headed towards the house.

It didn't take me long to get us both inside and up the stairs to my room. She weighed barely enough to register in my arms. I laid her in the bed and pulled the blankets over her body to keep her warm.

"Jasper," her voice was soft, but sounded groggy from her sleep. "Stay with me?"

I knew what she was asking, she needed someone close. She needed someone to hold onto. My selfish side rejoiced that I was the one she would ask. Not that there were many choices.

I crawled into the bed beside her and cradled her in my arms. I wasn't surprised to see her hands claw at my shirt and ball the material in her tiny fist. She needed something to hold, something that would tell her someone was close.

I stayed awake long after her breathing had changed into a rhythmic pattern of sleep. My brain wouldn't shut down long enough to let unconsciousness cloud my mind. There was too much to think about. Bella had opened up to us in her desperation to escape the pain, and I knew that it was hard for her. It was something I was sure she never intended to divulge.

~o~O~o~

When I woke up the next morning, Bella was still clinging to me. I don't know what I'd been expecting, but I knew I'd hoped she would be feeling better. That, perhaps, she would be able to process her grief a little.

I slipped out of bed and headed towards the bathroom, she stirred a little but there wasn't anything to indicate she was awake. While I waited for her to wake up, I showered and made us both some breakfast. We hadn't eaten other than the pop tarts and toast and she'd fallen asleep at around six, so I knew she must be hungry.

I called Alice while I was in the kitchen. She was the only one who knew about this situation, she would be the only person I would speak to about this.

"Hey Jazzy, everything okay?" she asked down the line. I was relieved that she picked up.

"She's still sleeping, Ali. I don't know what to do."

The line was silent and it was obvious she was moving from earshot.

"You want me to come over?"

"No, you don't have to. I just don't know what to do."

"Just be her friend. Talk to her. If she wants to sleep, let her sleep. I'll come over later and help her shower, see if I can't find some more clean clothes for her. She's been through a lot Jazz, I think time is the only thing she needs."

"When did you grow up?"

"Fuck off, Jasper," she laughed. "Listen, I may not know what it's like to lose someone, but I know that it's a process. When Rosalie lost her cousin in that car wreck, she was devastated, we talked about it a lot. Bella, needs time to work through it. She'll talk when she's ready."

"Thanks, Ali."

"Now go do, whatever it is you do," she laughed. "and we still need to have that talk!"

"Alice!"

"Jasper," she whined into the phone. "You promised."

"I mentioned it. It was never a promise."

"Whatever. See you later?"

"Bye."

I hung up the phone and shoved it back in my pocket before picking up the Eggo's and syrup I'd just finished making. I picked up the prescription on my way up hoping she would maybe take want to take care of the pain in her body.

She was in exactly the same position as I left her when I returned. Her small body balled up around the pillow I had been sleeping on, her hair falling over her shoulders where the hair tie she'd used had fallen out. She was beautiful.

"Bella," I whispered as I stepped closer to the bed, I pushed the tray onto the nightstand so I could rouse her from the deep sleep she seemed to be in.

Her hand moved slowly, rubbing her nose as stray strands of her hair tickled it in the small wave of air I had stirred with my movements. A small sigh fell from her lips as she fell back into her slumber. I had never seen someone be so unintentionally attractive in my life.

"Bella, you hungry?"

Her eyes flickered once before focusing on me. I smiled. It was the only thing I knew to do. I knew what I wanted to do, I just wasn't sure if it was the right thing.

"Hey," her voice cracked.

"Hey, I brought you some Eggo's., You hungry?"

She nodded at me, but I could see the previous days woes flood her mind as she gained more consciousness. Her eyes, darkened as they brimmed with tears. I wanted nothing more than to pull her into my arms and just hold her. Yet, my fear of rejection became the most prevalent emotion in my body. It was ridiculous.

"You okay?" I asked, leaning forward to pull the tray from the night stand.

"I can't believe she's gone," she whispered, her head bowing so her eyes were on the hands she had twisting in her lap.

I wanted to tell her to not hide her tears from me. I wanted to tell her that I was here for her. I wanted to wipe every trace of misery from her soulful eyes, yet, I couldn't. My heart and my body reached for her as my mind fought the process. I had to give her time.

"Bella, I know it's got to be hard. I know you're hurting, but I'm here if you need to talk."

"Thanks, Jasper. I just . . . well, I . . . I can't," she said, sounding defeated.

I understood. There were things I'd had to deal with my entire life that I never liked to talk about. My father was one of them. He was also one of the things my Mom like to make into a better situation. I was glad that he wasn't drinking anymore, and I was impressed that he was finally making her happy. No one knew of his jaded past, not even Alice. It was a faux pas in this society, and even though I trusted her implicitly, it wasn't something I chose to broadcast.

I could see Bella's situation was entirely different, but I could understand her hesitance to talk about it.

"You don't have to talk," I smiled as warmly as I could. "But if you should feel the need. I'm here."

Her big brown eyes welled with unshed tears as she appraised me again. I had noticed the looks she gave me when I would say something like that. There was a confusion mixed with something that resembled awe, and I couldn't place what would cause a reaction like that.

"You want to eat?" I asked, motioning to the food still sitting in my lap. My adolescent awkwardness ever present.

Without another word, she nodded. I pushed the tray between us and gave her a smile. I pulled the prescription bottle from where I'd left it on the nightstand and opened it. After reading the instructions I pulled one out and placed it on her side of the tray. I knew her whole body must be aching, even if she wasn't complaining about it.

"It'll make you groggy, but it'll help with the pain."

She nodded and picked it up, throwing it in the back of her throat before drinking some of the milk I filled one of the glasses with.

We ate in relative silence, yet, it wasn't uncomfortable. Our eyes would occasionally meet and a small smile would be shared between us. I wanted to get to know Bella, I wanted to know everything about her. I knew the little things, like she preferred toast to pop tarts, milk to orange juice. She was articulate and highly observant. She giggled when she was nervous and saw the best in people, even after everything she'd been through.

I pulled the tray from the bed when her eyelids began fluttering and she fought to keep her eyes open.

"Sleep, Bella," I laughed.

"Will you keep me company for a little bit? I really don't want to be alone," she asked, her breathing already becoming level.

I nodded my ascent and slid up the bed until I was next to her. For a fleeting second, nerves chewed away at my stomach as her increasingly familiar scent filled my mind. She smelled like the rain after the storm, mixed with a flower I couldn't place. She smelled like summer, and it was intoxicating.

My heart slammed in my chest as she let her head come to rest on my shoulder. Her fingers interlaced with mine creating some strange reaction from my body. It was an intense heat, and it felt right. Too right.

"Thanks, Jasper."

Had I said that aloud?

"What for?"

"Being so kind," she mumbled, sleep becoming a heavy blanket. "I like you a lot, maybe too much."

My heart stopped in my chest at her words, a small tinge of guilt ebbed through me but was overshadowed by a huge surge of, what I could only describe as, excitement, elation . . . hope. I hadn't let myself think about Bella in that capacity, I shouldn't now, but there was no stopping it.

I knew I would over analyze the words and the situation, she'd pretty much been unconscious when she'd said it. I wouldn't ever bring this up around her, and I knew without a doubt I wouldn't tell Alice. She already questioned the situation, she already saw through my transparent attempts to hide exactly what I was feeling.

I sat next to her for a while, just enjoying the company, the presence of someone in the house. My mind had gone through the process of rewind and repeating Bella's words over and over again and I knew I would have to get up before I drove myself insane. I shifted her down the bed until she was laying with her head on the pillow.

She looked beautiful and completely at peace as she slept. Her full lips pushed out and separated as she drug in breaths, her eyelashes resting peacefully on her cheek, and her long hair in a gentle cascade over her shoulders.

I had to get the hell out of here. I couldn't sit around and watch her sleep. It had never been my intention to develop feelings for her. I had helped her because I remembered being that lost, that helpless. I couldn't stand to see someone so innocent looking having to go through the same thing.

Talking to her had been my downfall. Her sweet disposition and friendly nature had sucked me right in. I was sure even Alan had seen it. I had watched her as she'd run from me, around the corner right into another alley. I tried to ignore her, and whatever it was she was doing, but the other person moving down that small alley had caught my eye. It made me uncomfortable.

I tried to shake the feeling but it wouldn't budge. It sat there like the elephant in the room nagging at me. Anxiety and fear pulsed around me for no reason at all and I knew, don't ask me how, but I knew she was in trouble.

I shook my head trying to dislodge the dark memory.

I slipped out of the room and headed down to my mother's hide away. Her little den where she hid away from the world with a hot tea and a good book. I sat in her overstuffed chair and leaned my head on the back. This is where I came to think, to process.

The image of that night flooded my head again.

She was so small and frail. The asshole was huge, and was sweating profusely in the below zero temperatures. He had his chubby hand wrapped tightly around her neck while her feet dangled inches from the ground.

He was killing her.

I could see the terror in her face, her pale skin losing even more of it's pallid color as her air supply dwindled. Her inviting pink lips tinged blue in the dim light.

I called out, hoping to distract the fucker from squeezing her long neck even tighter and speeding up the process. He'd thought he'd had the advantage, he dropped her like a rag doll and headed towards me, he underestimated me by a long shot. I may have been smaller, but I was quick. For once, I was glad of the boxing classes my dad had insisted I took while growing up. The one expense he'd green lighted in his drunken state. He regretted it eventually, he hated when I took that shit onto the streets.

Then though, then and there it was when it was being used for some good. That fat fuck was going down, scum like him preyed on helpless women because it empowered them, made them feel stronger. Let him feel strong after I beat the living shit out of him.

"Jasper?"

I jumped at Alice's voice as it filled the foyer of the house. She normally called before she came over. The room was cast in the dulling light of the fading day. How long had I been sat here?

"In here, Ali."

"What are you doing sitting in the dark?" she asked, breezing in through the cracked door.

"Thinking."

"You can't think with the lights on?"

I rolls my eyes and leaned across to the small lamp on the table and flicked the switch so the room was illuminated. I hadn't even realized the time.

"Happy?"

"You look like shit, turn it off," she laughed, falling onto the Ottoman by my feet.

"Did you come over to torture me? Or was there a purpose to the visit?"

"I brought Bella more clothes. I told Lynn Hale I was doing some charity work and needed to raid Rosalie's closet so I could donate clothes. She was more than happy to help."

"Thanks, Alice, I'm sure Bella will appreciate that."

"What is wrong with you?" Alice's small body turned in my direction, her damn persistent gaze boring into me as she waited for an answer.

"Nothing's wrong. I was just . . . Well . . . Fuck it! I was thinking about why I feel so connected to her. Why her? Why did I feel the overwhelming need to have her in my life? I can't not think about her."

Alice giggled once before picking up my hands and leaning forward. I could see a wisdom long beyond her years staring at me from behind her eyes.

"Jasper, the heart wants what it wants. Do you have any idea what I went through? I tried to fight it, I tried to ignore what I felt for him, but I couldn't. I believe he's it for me. I love him with everything I am. Jake will always be that for me, even if my dad doesn't 'allow' it."

"Are you saying . . ."

"I'm not saying anything of the sort. Just stop over thinking things. Let it happen on it's own. She's been through so much, don't add to the pressure."

I nodded, knowing she was right. I had to just be here friend. She'd been through another traumatic event and I was beginning to wonder if she would be the same person she had been at the beginning of all of this.  


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**A/N: I know, some of you may hate the fact that Alice is with Jacob, but I think they would make an adorable couple. Maybe eventually, if I ever find the time! I will write an outtake about how Alice and Jacob met, and why Alice defied her parents wishes when they forbid her from seeing him.**

I hope I did Jasper some justice and I also hope that this chapter answered some of your questions about why he did what he did, and where exactly he was coming from.

Thanks, as always, to mt twitriplets, miztrezboo and bemylullaby, for holding my hand when I'm being a pp, and for encouraging me from the start. You gals are amazing, so thank you - for everything.

Thank you all so much for the alerts and faves, and thank you so much to the reviewers. You are all so wonderfully kind and each and every one of you inspire me with what you have to say. I hope you all enjoy the sneak peeks in the replies. You guys rock!

Much love and huge hugs ~weezy~  



	11. Falling into Life

_**All things Twilight belong to the awesome Stephenie Meyer, and the songs belong to their rightful owners and the label they belong to.**_

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**C11. Falling into Life.**

_The eastern sky is glowing now  
In reddish shades of grey  
With promises of life and love  
And I wanna cherish the day_  
**_Embers - Blue Foundation_**

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It had been a month since I lost Julia, and things were beginning to get a little easier, even though I was still hurting.

The pain medication had made it easier to get through the physical healing, but the emotional healing would take so much longer. I didn't know what I had done to deserve Jasper and Alice, but they were my rocks. They never treated me as though I was made of glass, and it made me feel stronger.

Jasper was a constant companion. When he wasn't at school he was with me. He was so patient, he seemed to know what I needed and when I needed it, there was never any prompting from me. He just knew. This month had been so much easier than the month after I had lost Charlie. They seemed to be the missing link. The thing I'd needed without ever knowing it.

I could only imagine that this is how having a family would feel, having people to lean on, having people to talk to. thinking back over the past four weeks it was easy to see the difference.

That first week I had slept for hours, only waking when Alice came to help me bathe, or Jasper would bring me something to eat. They would be at school most of the day so I was able to get the much needed rest I required. In the evenings after I'd taken a shower and changed into a set of fresh pj's that Alice had stolen from the same person she'd stolen most of my clothes from, I would sit in the bed staring blankly at the TV as I tried not to think.

I was avoiding facing the truth, facing the fact that she really was gone. That I had left her alone on the street to freeze to death. Jasper and Alice had insisted that I not blame myself, but who else was there to take the fall? I had left her, with nothing but a blanket and some cash. What use was cash when she had no way of getting anywhere?

I knew I was worrying Alice and Jasper, I barely spoke, I barely ate, but I couldn't seem to push past the fact that she was, in fact, gone. If I ever went back to the streets, which was a strong possibility considering I didn't belong in a huge house or a comfortable bed, I had nothing, no one.

I berated myself a lot, especially when I woke during the day and I was alone. The pain became so overwhelming, I would simply roll over and find the pill I knew Jasper had left me on the nightstand should I wake up in pain.

I was playing a dangerous game and I knew it. The pain wasn't as bad as it could have been, and if I was being honest with myself, I was using it as an escape. Escape from my own mind, and escape from my own reality. Questions popped in my mind as I lay awake waiting for the drugs to overtake me and consume my consciousness. I was drowning in my own self pity.

As the first week merged quickly into the second, I found that I spent more time awake. I would lay in bed and talk with Jasper for hours about Julia, or the life I had led till that point. It was easier to talk about her than think about her. I retold so many of her stories, while Jasper just listened contentedly, laughing in all the right places. He'd offered on more than one occasion to do some research on the Internet and see if he could find her from one of the stories she'd told.

Truth be told, I didn't want to know if they were the truth. They were all I had left of her, and I knew at the time they may not be as close to the truth as she seemed to believe, but I wasn't going to ruin the illusion if that's indeed what it was. Now I was clinging to them for the same reason, it was something I had of her to keep, and I didn't want to break the spell.

Jasper had begun to relax around me a little, and he told me stories from growing up in one of the rougher parts of Seattle, with his cousin Alan. His dad, Peter, had insisted that he took up boxing, something Jasper had no interest in but had a natural affinity for.

When he'd taken to street fighting, his parents had tried to keep him out of trouble, but there was nothing they could do. When they finally came into their money, Jasper said his parents couldn't get away from the neighborhood quickly enough, and he soon found himself in Forks among the socialites and their pompous offspring.

His father had a problem with drinking, and when they bought the house had agreed to go through rehab for the sake of his wife and son. With his father gone, Jasper had rebelled, getting into fights in school, which, I found out, was the reason he and Alice's brother didn't get along, not that he gave me many details.

That Thursday was Thanksgiving weekend, which meant he and Alice had the week off from school and found themselves entertaining me with stories of Thanksgivings past. To pacify Alice's parents, who knew the Whitlock's were currently in Monte Carlo, Jasper joined them for Thanksgiving dinner.

Jasper and I were getting to know each other, and I found the more time I spent with him, the more I was drawn to him. He was everything I had suspected he was, and so much more. I actually found myself missing him while he was gone.

The week after Thanksgiving, I spent most of my time awake, only really taking one of the pills when my shin throbbed painfully. I liked to test my boundaries and found the pain helped me get through the guilt. It was like a penance for what I had done. I knew that Julia was old and frail, but I also knew the person inside. The vibrant vivacious woman who loved to retell stories of her life and entertain all of us who needed an escape.

Thinking of the pain as karma made it easier to bury the guilt.

Alice was becoming a permanent fixture in my life, even if her visits were fleeting. She would drop in for only hours at a time, excusing herself after only being here for a short while.

It was curious and she would consistently refuse to divulge information, muttering something about Christmas when I would whine about secrets. She simply laughed when I objected about Christmas. Well, she laughed until I made her swear she would buy nothing for me.

Her answering grin and easy agreement told me she'd already found her way around the promise I'd insisted she make. I enjoyed her company and constantly complained about her short visits, but she promised I would understand soon, and left it at that. This last week had been the worst. She would only stop by after school and stay for an hour.

Jasper and I were now as comfortable together as two people ever can be. Even when we had nothing to talk about we would spend time together reading, or he would do home work while I watched television or played with his guitar.

I'd discovered Jasper was quite talented when it came to instruments. He could not only play the guitar, but he could play the bass and the drums quite well. I called him a one man band when he picked up a harmonica.

I had been at the Whitlock house for a month now, and I was beginning to walk more on my leg. There was never any way I would be this far along in the healing process if I had been on the streets. I still hadn't forgotten my promise from the first morning I spent here, and now it was time to come through with it. I had decided that I was going to make Jasper a decent meal.

Thankfully, I was getting my wish tomorrow night. We had missed having a Thanksgiving together two weeks ago, so I decided to make up for it with a traditional thanksgiving meal on Sunday evening.

We'd walked around the thrift way in Forks, pulling what we needed from the shelves as I stood on the bar of the cart and Jasper pushed. We'd settled on a small turkey and I had insisted on a traditional spread, Charlie had always enjoyed when I cooked thanksgiving dinner. Alice was escaping her parents and joining us and promised to bring her boyfriend so I could finally meet him.

Everything was falling into a strangely easy routine. Jasper and I had become closer than I thought was possible. If I was being honest, I had a huge crush on him that was quickly escalating into something more, something I didn't know how to deal with, or even how to express.

I knew I could talk to Alice, but I was scared. The L word was a little more than I was ready for, especially considering everything that had happened in my past. I needed to figure out what I wanted, and let things happen as naturally as possible. I wasn't even sure how he felt.

"What are you doing down here?" Jasper asked, startling me from my thoughts as his long legs carried him silently into the huge kitchen I was currently stood in the middle of.

"Pulling out the turkey, I know it's not huge, but it still needs to defrost," I said finally completing my path to the huge freezer. I tried to fight back the blush that was threatening to rise. I hated being caught thinking about him like that. Especially by him.

I shifted my weight to my good leg as I pulled open the freezer door. I still had a slight limp, but other than that, most of my injuries had faded and left behind the last physical reminder of that day. I was now able to comfortably wear Jasper's boxers and vests, much to Alice's annoyance. She'd raided Rosalie's comfortable clothes and I still preferred Jasper's.

"Have you ever done this before?"

"I used to do it every year. Well, every year since I was ten. Before that, I would watch Debbie every thanksgiving. Dad was so proud the first year I made thanksgiving dinner, he invited the whole team over to beam at how talented his daughter was," I said, rolling my eyes at the memory.

Speaking about Charlie had become so much easier since I'd started talking about him more. Jasper always listened tentatively when I spoke, he made it easy to release some of the pain that shrouded the memories, and with time I had realized that the happy memories were all I had left. I needed to embrace them, not hide them away like I was ashamed of them.

"I'm excited, I haven't had a home cooked meal since we moved here," he said waving his arms around, indicating the house.

"Well, if you'd let me cook earlier, you would have seen this is the area of my life where I'm not a complete disaster," I laughed, pushing the freezer door closed with my butt. My hands were currently full with frozen turkey. I dropped it into the sink and washed my hands in the adjoining sink.

"What do you want to do tonight. It's Saturday night."

I laughed. The trip to the thrift way had been the first time I'd made it out of the house in the month since I'd been here.

"What's there to do in Forks?"

Jasper looked up to the ceiling thoughtful for a second. I could tell he was putting some serious effort into it when his brow furrowed. I stifled the laugh that was building. Jasper was a good natured guy, but seeing him this deep in thought, I really didn't want to disturb him.

I'd been watching him do homework for weeks. He'd more often than not get the same studious look about his features as he stared at the book with frustration.

"I got nothing," he laughed in frustration. "I could run down to the video store and pick up a movie."

"Sounds good to me."

"I'll be right back," he smiled, kissing me chastely on the cheek before heading to the door as though it were nothing.

That's what always blew my mind. Little things he probably didn't even consider, things that made my stomach tumble like it was rehearsing for the Olympics.

When we would lay and talk, he would gently brush the loose strands of hair from my eyes. When I would cry, he would use the pads of his thumbs to brush away the tears, never running or hiding from the emotions I was projecting. He would give me a piggy backs down the stairs and squeeze my thigh, then there was the way he would play with my fingers when we talked about something serious in nature. He was always there, and we were always touching, and it was driving me insane.

Insane because I liked it.

Insane because it confused me.

Insane because I was beginning to want so much more.

It was so frustrating because I wanted nothing more to tell him what I was feeling, but the fear of being thrown out of the house and rejected by him was too much; so I digressed.

I pulled some popcorn from the pantry and threw together some other snacks so we could watch the movie without a thousand trips downstairs throughout. I heard the footsteps in the foyer just as I was heading towards the stairs with my arms full of snacks.

"Bella?"

"Coming, Jasper," I sang trying to kill the lights while my hands were full.

"Here, give me some of that," He laughed pulling bags of chips and popcorn from my arms.

It was still a little strange for me to eat whenever the hell I wanted to. I had been so used to struggling constantly, it took me a while to control myself and not eat everything in sight.

"What did you get?"

"Well, I realized I was a little gung ho, and never really asked what you liked so I got three. A horror, a comedy and a romance."

We looked at one another briefly, but our wide smiles were testing and full of our competitive nature.

"Horror," we both said in unison.

I giggled while Jasper looked at me slightly shocked. I ducked my head. I couldn't really explain my fascination with horror movies. Charlie used to pick on me terribly for my taste in movies, I'd always preferred it. It was an adrenaline rush, my heart would thump in my chest as I waited for the next surprise to jump out at me.

"I knew I liked you for a reason," Jasper joked, throwing his free arm around my shoulder and walking with me up the stairs.

"So what did you get?" I asked, trying to ignore the heat that prickled my skin where his arm touched my body.

"I got a classic horror movie, _Poltergeist_."

"My favorite!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, but you can't laugh at me when I cry."

"You cry at poltergeist?"

"Well, when Carol Anne passes through Diane's soul, it's a defining moment. I think it's touching!"

"That makes sense, I guess."

"You guess?" I laughed, raising my eyebrows.

"Well, it's kinda creepy don't you think?"

"No," I laughed pushing him playfully as we reached the top stair. "I think it's beautiful, how often do you think we have the ability to experience something that profound? Her daughter, who was still alive, passed through her soul from another plain of time, space or light. However you want to describe it."

"Yeah," he laughed, ruffling my hair and pushing the door to his room open. "Creepy."

"You need to open your mind a bit, Jasper. It's amazing what you see when you actually look."

"You sound like a hippy."

"Maybe I am," I teased.

I made my way to the bed and dropped the things I was carrying, before turning back to face him with a smile.

"That would explain a lot," he laughed, following my lead and dumping his arm full on the bed.

I let my mouth fall open and looked at him with as much shock as I could muster. He wasn't being mean, he was being playful so he got a free pass. I pushed him gently before pinching his side and stuck my tongue out at him.

"How very mature of you," he laughed, stepping towards me with his hands poised for attack.

"No," I squealed, backing away as quickly as I could.

"What?"

"I see it in your eyes, Jasper. No tickling."

Tickling had become his new instrument of torture. The moment he'd discovered I was ticklish he used it against me.

He stepped forward again as I took a step back. His eyes were narrowed as his lips formed a smirk that made my stomach tighten in excitement. I danced to the left, hoping to get an open path to the other side of the room. He stepped with me thwarting my plans. I giggled again.

"Jasper," I tried warning, but it came out like a squeal.

Jasper hopped forward with his arms outstretched to catch me. I took my chances and ran, his arms closed around my waist and pulled my back against his chest. Heat flooded my body where we touched, and I could feel the blush rising in my cheeks as I giggled and squirmed in his arms.

His fingers started tickling my sides relentlessly and I doubled over, trapping his arm against my stomach as I kicked and flailed. High pitch screams poured from my mouth as I laughed and spluttered. Every part of my body was moving in an attempt to escape, but his fingers kept hitting my most ticklish spots without apology.

It hurt to breathe after a while. My laughter was making it impossible to catch my breath. I planted both of my hands against the arm he had around my waist and made enough space for myself to escape. I slipped to the floor landing on my knees before springing forward and taking off across the room as quickly as I could, but I didn't make it very far.

As I passed the small table by the couch, my leg came into contact with the corner causing me to yelp and immediately stop what I was doing. It was the leg that already had a fractured bone and it hurt like hell. I pulled the leg up to my chest and hopped around in pain before making it to the bed. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I continued to laugh, and squeal in pain. It was so very typically me.

I fell onto the bed with my leg still cradled against my chest. Jasper stood where my good foot hit the floor looking apologetic.

"You okay?"

I nodded and continued laughing. I tried rolling into the bed so I could gain some control over my hysterics. It was definitely one of those if I don't laugh I'll cry situations.

My hysterics finally died with the pain, and I took deep calming breaths to level out my sputtered breathing. I could feel Jasper still stood by the knee I had bent over the bed and lifted my head, offering him a smile.

"You sure you're alright?"

I nodded and let go of my leg, letting it fall to the bed beside the other. I rolled onto my back and looked up at him with another smile.

His eyes weren't on mine though. His face was serious, filled with something I could only describe as hunger. I followed the path of his eyes and my breath caught in my throat. Where I had fallen to the bed haphazardly, the shirt had ridden up my stomach, leaving the skin and rolled shorts exposed. The shorts had worked their way down a little exposing my abdomen and hips.

I was the one doing this to him.

My body was what had caused that irresistible look in his eyes.

Excitement sparked inside of me. My flesh prickled, electricity pulsed through me. The look that was in his eyes had me captivated. A burning need for him seemed to course through my veins and I had no control over my heart whatsoever.

I didn't move, too afraid to break the spell he seemed to be under. I watched as his shallow breaths moved his defined chest, how his blond hair fell casually into his left eye. I waited for something to happen, but there was nothing but silence and our shallow breathing.

"Jasper?" my voice was quiet, and I wasn't even sure he'd heard it.

His hand reached out, moving slowly above me. I watched and waited in silence as his fingers out stretched, while the others curled into the palm.

Then it happened.

Jasper's fingers ghosted across my skin leaving a fire in their wake. My breath stopped as the most euphoric feeling coursed through my body, even my skin trembled as he explored the soft plains of my stomach. I fought to keep my eyes open so I could drink in the moment and commit it to memory.

Fireworks seemed to consume me as his fingers roamed with no real destination. Happiness filled every inch of me as I watched his face. Everything I was feeling was reflected from his eyes, and I knew that I needed to do something before he realized what was happening and this became uncomfortable.

I sat up slowly, always keeping my eyes on his. I could see the recognition in his eyes as he realized what he'd been doing. Before I could catch a hint of regret in his features, I sprung into action. My fingers curled around his shirt and pulled him down to me forcefully. White sparks danced across the back of my vison as our eyes met and my entire body tingled with emotion.

Then it happened.

As if magnetized, our lips met in the middle. Heat rolled down my spine making me tremble in my excitement. My hands tangled into the blond curls at the nape of his neck and held him to me as I found my stride. The was my first kiss, my first real kiss and it was indescribable.

It took a second for Jasper to do anything, but I smiled against his lips as I felt him step between my legs and cup my face with his warm hands. I knew I wanted him, I knew I liked him more than I probably should, but I had never anticipated this. I had never considered how right this would feel.

The weight of his body pushed against mine and I didn't hesitate. He lay us both back on the bed and hovered of me as his tongue brushed against my now swollen bottom lip. Instinctively, knowing what he wanted, I separated my lips and gave him entrance.

He tasted amazing. I could taste the cola I knew he'd just drank in the car, I could taste the kernels of popcorn he'd stolen from the bag, but more than that I could taste him. I couldn't put it into words, I could only let it consume me completely and his thumbs brushed over the apples of my cheeks.

One of his hands moved slowly to my hair, holding me in place as his lips broke contact with my skin and moved down my throat leaving hot passionate kisses against my skin. I gulped in air, letting my hands roam over his shoulders and down his back.

His lips on my skin felt amazing, tingles that ran throughout my body made my thighs rub together creating a heated friction I didn't know I was capable of. Every sense, every nerve was consumed by Jasper and it made me feel alive. I never wanted it to stop.

His scent, his touch, his breath on the sensitive skin on my neck all made me feel so right I knew that I couldn't lie to myself anymore. Even if I had to lie to everyone else.

Jasper was the first to break away from the moment. He rocked back onto his knees, his normally cool blue eyes were dark and still had a faint semblance of the hunger he'd had as he'd looked at me. Yet I was disappointed to see the apology I knew was coming to break through.

"Bella, I . . ."

I pushed myself up on one elbow and placed the other fingers over his mouth effectively silencing him.

"Don't apologize, that was all me." I sighed, holding his eyes with my own.

He stepped off the bed and stood between my knees looking down at me. His fingers brushed against the bare skin on my knees almost making my eyes slide closed in pleasure.

I pushed myself up from the bed until I was sat in front of him as I tried to think with some coherency. How could I break this awkward silence between us? I needed to show him I didn't regret the kiss, that I had wanted it. I needed him to tell me he wanted it too, I needed confirmation from him that I wasn't the only one feeling these things. I couldn't change how I felt, but I didn't want him to think that was all we could have.

I tried to lock the tears behind my eyes as we watched one another with caution. Neither of us seemed to know what to say or even how to handle the situation. I needed to think, and more than that I needed to breathe.

I held my hands out to him in an attempt to snap him out of his thoughts. He took my hands and pulled gently until I was on my feet in front of him, my eyes close to his shoulder. I was freaking out.

"How about you set the movie up, I'll be right back." I said, keeping the smile as genuine as I could on my lips.

I slipped past him and tried to walk calmly to the bathroom, fighting the urge to look back at him. I pushed the door closed behind me and slid down the cool paneled wood to the floor, pulling my legs tightly against my chest. What had I done?

Had I ruined one of the best friendships I'd ever had with my adolescent hormonal need to kiss him? Had I made him uncomfortable? Oh God, How could I go out there and face him? Rejection was something I'd dealt with on the street, and that was fine.

I could handle rejection from perfect strangers, but I didn't think I could handle it from Jasper. He meant too much to me.

A small bead of water hit my leg, and I wiped my eyes at my body's defiance. I was stronger than this, I could resist the urge to make a fool of myself again.

A quiet tap at the door startled me and I hit my head against it with a loud hollow thud. I squeezed my eyes closed and shook my head in horror.

"Bella?" I could hear the humor in Jasper's voice as he called out my name.

"Be right there," I answered rolling my eyes. Typical me.

I splashed water on my face before I stepped out again. Jasper was sat on the couch stuffing popcorn in his mouth. His head turned as I pulled the door closed behind me. His smile was calm and relaxed, immediately putting me at ease.

"Save some of that for me," I laughed.

"You were taking too long," he grinned, raising his eyebrows.

I laughed, making my way to the couch where he'd saved me a space next to him. I was glad this had washed over with minimal damage, but I knew I needed to talk to someone. I was driving myself crazy.

Alice was taking me down to La Push next weekend, maybe that would be my only chance.

* * *

**A/N: I know, some of you may be disappointed at the building of the relationship, I understand that, but things need to develop further. All will be explained soon enough. Hold on tight and let it all play out.**

**As always a big thank you to miztrezboo and bemylullaby for holding my hand and not letting me hack this thing to pieces when I get frustrated. I would also like to thank M.V. Cullen, who has recently caught up; and also lets me drag her to every 100 Monkeys show that comes close. Saturday!**

**As always review replies will have a sneak peek for the next chapter, there is also a sneak peek on the blog every Thursday thanks to miztrezboo, as well as every Friday on the forum. (Which I forgot last week, I apologize) There are links to both on my profile.**

**Thank you so much to the reviewers who blow my mind with your thoughts and opinions. Each of you make me smile, and I love hearing what you think will come next. Your theories are always so imaginative, and sometimes, even though I don't tell you, are spot on. You all ROCK!!!!**


	12. Confessions and Bonfires

_**All things Twilight belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer**_

* * *

**C.12 Confessions and Bonfires**

_A frozen ocean joins our hearts_  
_ I can't wait to meet you when_  
_ The frozen waves meet ocean floors_  
_ You'll be standing on the shore_  
_ I can't wait to meet you then_**  
_Frozen Oceans - Shiny Toy Guns_**

* * *

Thanksgiving dinner had been exactly as I'd planned it. Jasper and I had silently ignored my small lapse of judgment and continued on as we had been. The only difference being, he hadn't touched me at all since. He hadn't even brushed past me accidentally.

I knew I was being overly sensitive about the whole thing, but I couldn't help thinking it over and over in my head. I was sure he'd liked me, certain that he felt something for me. Unfortunately, I must have been wrong. I was beginning to think I had misread the signs. Friendship was obviously the only thing he'd wanted.

Alice had noticed it as well. She'd looked past it on Sunday when Jacob, her boyfriend, was there. He was a tall Quileute boy from the reservation down on the coast. He was amazing, and more friendly than I could have imagined. Alice was besotted, and it was easy to see how much he loved her in return, he rarely took his eyes from her. All through dinner, the two of them talked quietly, and when they thought no one was looking, they'd steal a kiss or mouth I love you to one another.

Even with all of my observations while living on the street, I had never seen two people so drawn to one another. Maybe though, I had been looking for the bad rather than seeing the good. As good as that sounded as an excuse, that's all it was. I knew myself well enough to know my problem was exactly the opposite, I looked for the good in people.

I had made my decision to talk to Alice while I'd sat on the floor of the bathroom last Saturday night, and I knew I had to do it. I had to get it out of my system. She knew Jasper well, and had attempted several times during the week to question me about our strange behavior. Each time, I would just shrug it off. The conversation I had planned would take some time. I had so many questions.

Although Jasper was still keeping his distance when it came to touching me. I hadn't missed the looks he gave me. I would catch him watching me from the corner of my eye, and his smiles were still so warm but filled with an emotion I couldn't place. It was almost as though he was waiting for something.

Alice had invited us both to come to La Push with her, after I had accepted, Jasper had declined, explaining he had some things to take care of while I was gone. It was then that I realized I had consumed so much of his time. We were always together leaving him no room to do the things he would normally have done before I was dropped into his lap.

It was now Saturday morning, and I was stood outside with Jasper, waiting for Alice to show up. There was at least a foot of space between us. I felt awkward around him when he was like this. It wasn't as though I couldn't control myself, and I wished I could tell him that. I wished I could tell him that I could be _just_ his friend. I just wasn't sure that was what he wanted.

We heard Alice before we saw her, the engine and music blaring from the Yukon could be heard through the trees before it rounded the last curve of the driveway. I looked at Jasper, all I wanted was to give him a hug and tell him to have a good day, but I was afraid that the awkwardness would reappear.

"Well, I guess I'll see you later."

"Yeah, just don't let them keep you out in the cold too long. There's supposed to be another cold front rolling through later."

"Thanks," I mumbled, what else was I supposed to say to that?

Alice hammered on the breaks making the car slide on the gravel in front of us, the sound of the music disappeared as she rolled down the window and leaned over the center console.

"You sure you're not up for a trip to the beach? It's Paul's birthday."

"I'm sure, I need to make a couple of calls."

Alice's perfect eyebrows arched as she assessed him. I couldn't read the emotion on her face, but it passed before I could really analyze it.

"Good luck with that!"

Jasper rolled his eyes and pulled open the door to the Yukon for me. I climbed in and pulled on my seat belt as he pushed it closed. A silent look passed between him and Alice before he slapped the side of the car and stepped away.

"Have fun, you're going to love first beach," he smiled, the usual warmth filling his features.

"Okay, you have a good afternoon."

Alice hit the gas before I was even able to finish my sentence, her hand on the window control winding it up so we wouldn't freeze on our way out there. I could hear the gravel kicking up from under her tires.

By the time we passed through the heavy gates she'd already begun eyeing me speculatively. I'd been too quiet.

"Spit it out," she said, her eyes flickering to me and back to the road.

"I did something last Saturday, something stupid . . . well not stupid, but I think I may have messed something up."

"That helped clear things up," she laughed, turning onto the highway that would take us straight into La Push.

"I kissed Jasper last Saturday, Alice."

The Yukon swerved on the icy road before swerving to the side of the road. The truck slid in the damp mud before coming to an abrupt stop and throwing me back in my seat. I had gripped onto the handle above the door, my knuckles white as I feared the worst.

"Alice!"

"Sorry, but you kissed him?"

I nodded, huddling a little in my seat. I couldn't distinguish the emotion in her voice so I figured it was better to be safe than sorry.

"Good for you, he wouldn't have made the first move, the big girl that he is."

"What?"

"Well, that's not fair, but I'm sure you gave him incentive."

"What are you talking about?"

Alice's face took on a blank mask for a brief second before she spoke again. She'd thoroughly confused me. I couldn't figure out what she meant by incentive. Incentive to what?

"Well, I'm guessing he kissed you back?"

"Yes, but things have been weird between us since," I mumbled, looking down at my hands as they twisted around one another. "He won't come within four feet of me."

"Are you serious?"

I nodded, I could feel the tears building in my throat as I thought back on the past week. I'd been so strong in front of Jasper, I'd kept ever ounce of anxiety and rejection bottled up inside until I was alone. That was when I would break down, let the tears flow silently.

Speaking to Alice had almost the same effect as being alone. I knew that she would listen to what I had to say, and I knew the emotions would pour from me, yet being here, in the car with her, I realized that crying would give too much away. Crying would let her see how deep I was.

"What a dick! I should call him up and . . ."

"No!" I shouted over her, panic making me react. I didn't want him to know, I didn't want him to think that it had occupied every one of my thoughts this past week. Even if it had. I just wanted things back the way they were.

"Well, honestly, I think he wants to give you time. Maybe he felt like he'd pushed you into it."

"No I don't thinks so, we were messing around, he was tickling me. I got free and ran, hit my leg, like only I'm capable of, then I hopped to the bed. He came to check on me, and I rolled to look up at him, he was looking at me like . . . well . . ."

"I'll eat you alive?" she laughed.

I felt the blush rise in my cheeks and my head dip. Hearing her saying it out loud made so much sense. It was the only way I could describe the way he looked at me. It was a hunger.

"It's completely normal, Bella," Alice laughed, rubbing my arm. "Men are easy to read if you know what you're looking for."

"I don't though, Alice. I've never been on a date before. The guys at my high school were too scared of Dad and uncle Bri; and there weren't too many opportunities on the streets."

"You have me, you can ask me anything you want to," she smiled, turning back in her seat to put the truck back into drive. She pulled away from the side of the road, but continued to keep an eye on me through her peripheral vision.

"So, what happened after the look?"

"I grabbed him and kissed him. It took him a second, but he seemed to kiss me back, then he pulled away and started to apologize. I stopped him, but I . . . well, I ran into the bathroom and cried."

"Bella, why didn't you talk to me sooner?"

"I didn't want to chance him overhearing something. I would be horrified."

"Why, it's your honest feelings, there's really nothing to be embarrassed about. I do understand though, and I'm glad you decided to talk to me."

"Thanks, Alice."

She'd helped more than she'd known, and she'd given me a lot to think about. Had I been the one to give off mixed signals? I had been sure Jasper liked me before last weekend, and if what Alice has said was indeed true, then I hadn't been wrong. Had I been the one to look as though I regretted kissing him?

I couldn't remember feeling that way, or even expressing it, but there was a chance my confusion could be misconstrued. The fact was, I was happy. Knowing what I knew now meant that if I decided to bridge that gap and speak to him, rejection shouldn't be my biggest fear.

At least, I hoped it wouldn't be.

Jasper was on my thoughts for the rest of the drive. I hadn't even realized that Alice had turned up the radio and was singing along casually with the song that was playing. I was lost in my own head, going over and over the ways I wanted to speak to Jasper, what I wanted to say to him. How I wanted to apologize if I had indeed been the one giving off mixed signals.

More than anything though, I was lost in the imagery of kissing him again. Feeling his full satin lips against my own as his body pressed against mine. The way his fingers brushed across my skin. The heat, the emotion, all of it. I wanted it more than ever now.

"Bella," Alice said, snapping me out of my thoughts. I would have blushed, but the ocean sprawled out ahead of me had me distracted. It was beautiful, the half sandy, half rocky beach rolled into the black pacific, the waves lapped against the shore threatening to take more as it pulled the stones on its way out.

On the beach, there was a large fire, uneven root and rocks sticking up in all directions. There was a group of the kids from the reservation hanging around and I assumed that they must be Jacob's friends.

"Wow, this is amazing."

"Isn't it. I love first beach, even when it's cold like this. There's something about those dark angry waves that fascinates me."

"It's beautiful."

"That too," she laughed, pulling out her keys and sticking them in the visor.

I could see Jacob's tall form in the distance, loping casually towards us from the beach. He was unmistakable really, his height and build guaranteed he'd be seen from a distance. Though I had noticed that a lot of the other kids seemed to have the same height advantage as Jacob.

Alice had noticed him as well, she hopped out of the car quickly, slamming the door closed behind her as she took off towards Jacob. I got out of the car and followed behind, giggling to myself as I watched Alice spring into his arms. Jacob caught her easily, his arms winding around her and holding her to him as though she would disappear if he didn't.

I looked down at my feet when they started kissing. It was a private moment between them, and having known Alice for a while now, I knew that she hated not having much time with him. She was open about her love with Jacob. He meant so much to her, even though her parents had forbidden her to see him.

"Pick those feet up, Bella, we're missing all the fun," Alice called. I looked up in time to see Jacob put her on her feet and give me a broad smile. He was always so friendly, I couldn't imagine anyone not liking him.

While I took my time getting to them, I really looked around for the first time. I noticed the small houses dotted along the coast line bleeding back into the small village beyond that. All of the houses were small, and I was beginning to understand more of the analogies Alice used for their relationship. This wasn't a rich town by any means, each one of the houses could probably fit into Jasper's house fifteen times or more, and from what he and Alice had told me, her house was even bigger still.

I liked it. It differed from every living situation I had been in, but the only word that came to mind when I looked at the small houses was quaint. They had an appeal that made me feel comfortable, made me feel as though I fit. It was no wonder Alice enjoyed spending time here when she could.

We all walked the rest of the way to the group talking quietly amongst ourselves. Jacob was full of information about the reservation. He could point out places I wouldn't have known existed if he hadn't of made them obvious. He was proud of his heritage and it showed when he spoke of it.

As we neared the big group, their faces became more defined, and I could see the animated way in which they spoke with one another. It had been such a long time since I'd been around a group of people my age this size, I was beginning to get a little nervous. It wasn't that I felt threatened, each of them had smiles on their faces as they spoke to one another. I simply felt like an intruder in their world. It was obvious they were all friends and had known one another possibly since birth.

"It's okay, Bella. They're all excited to meet you," Alice laughed, having obviously felt the hesitation in my now rigid arm.

I looked at her then back to the group a little hesitant. They'd all known I was coming, Alice had told me that when she'd invited me. It only now occurred to me that I hadn't known what she'd told them about me.

"Alice, how much do they know?"

Alice looked to Jacob and back to me in one twist of her neck. I had a feeling she would have told Jacob everything, it came with them being in a close relationship. I didn't mind that anyone knew my past, I was just concerned at being pitied. I didn't want them to base their opinions on the hardships I'd been through.

"They think that you're visiting from out of town. They know you're nothing like the stuffy brats that go to Forks high, but that's about the crux of it," Jacob said with a smile. "You met Alice in camp when you were kids. They shouldn't ask you too many questions, I told them to leave you alone."

"Leave who alone?" a boy asked as he approached.

"Bella, you jackass," Jacob rolled his eyes, but his smile was playful.

"Oh, so this is, Bella. Good to meet you, I'm Seth Clearwater."

I smiled at the boy, he was definitely younger than Jacob, but his smile was just as warm. He was tall too and I was beginning to wonder what they were feeding the kids around here.

"Good to meet you, Seth," I grinned back, feeling immediately at ease in his company. He assessed me with his eyes as though he were waiting for something to happen. I couldn't help but grin even wider when his pout came on fully and his bottom lip jutted out a little.

"You seem too relaxed," he said, he almost sounded disappointed as he looked at Alice. She rolled her eyes and looked at me. My confusion was obviously evident.

"You know I told them I was bringing you down here when I was here a couple days ago. They all seemed excited to meet another one of my friends. I think they're secretly hoping to freak you out like they did with Rosalie."

"Come on, Ali, that's not fair. Rosalie was just as uncomfortable as we were. She wouldn't even sit down on the couch," Jacob laughed, shaking his head.

"Her parents are the biggest snobs I know, it was bound to rub off on her. At least she tried."

"I don't think Leah would see things that way," Seth interjected, dancing around so he was walking beside me. "She still calls her the snobby bitch from Forks."

"Leah's just pissed off because of Rosalie's reaction to the clothes she offered her. If Paul hadn't of knocked her into the rock pool it never would have happened," Alice sighed.

"She is a snob though, babe."

"Yes, I would agree with that, but do you remember when you first brought me here?"

Jacob rolled his eyes and danced out of Alice's path before she could hit him with her free hand. He chuckled happily as he circled around and came up behind her, pulling her up into his arms. She screamed loudly as he sprinted towards the water with her.

"JACOB BLACK, PUT ME DOWN!"

"Bad move," Seth laughed.

I turned to look at him.

"He will put her down, but he'll put her down . . ."

The blood curdling scream pulled my eyes back to the water where Alice was stood knee high in the - what I could only presume was - freezing water. Seth didn't need to finish his statement, it was obvious what he was going to say.

Alice took off down the beach chasing Jacob, who was laughing almost too hard to make any real effort at escaping. I couldn't help smiling while I watched them, Alice's face lost anger and frustration with every duck and weave they made, by the time they ended up back at us she was laughing just as hard as Jacob was and gasping for breath.

"Laugh it up, smartass. You're running back to the car and getting me dry pants from the trunk."

Jacob rolled his eyes, but gave her a fleeting kiss on the lips and a slap on her butt before jogging back the way we came.

"Come on, I'll introduce you to everyone," Alice smiled, wrapping her arm in mine again and heading towards the larger group who were now watching us with obvious amusement.

Seth trotted ahead of us as we approached the group, he slipped through the center and pulled up a long stick, looking disappointed when there was nothing on the end of it. He looked around the group and focused on another tall boy.

"Paul, did you eat my hot dog?"

"Yeah, I did. It's my birthday, Clearwater."

"Thanks man, now I have to wait for the dog to cook again."

"Well, you should'nt have been so damn nosy."

Seth shook his head in disappointment and headed to a small polystyrene cooler that sat at the end of one of the branches. Paul's eyes turned to us.

"You must be, Bella. Alice talks about you a lot," he laughed, pushing one of the other boys beside him before stepping forward. "Why don't you come meet everyone."

He offered me his hand, and I took it. My skeptism was being overridden by their warm welcome.

He went around the group slowly, introducing me to everyone. I only remembered a couple names because he was moving so fast as he went around the circle. I hoped they wouldn't be offended if I didn't remember their names.

We spent the entire night talking casually with one another. Some of them asked me questions and I answered as best I could, but more often than not, Alice had to jump in and help me with this new background. It wasn't like I minded. It was very much like listening to someone tell a story.

We ate hot dogs cooked on the fire, played football in the sandy parts of the beaches. Then the group of Quileutes started telling old legends. I hadn't realized how long we'd been there until the darkness began to cast deeper shadows over us all. The group started dividing up into couples and the glow of the fire gave each of us a warm orange tint.

I was sat next to Alice, Seth on my other side blocking out the wind. Things had grown quiet around the small circle and I found my mind wandering back to Jasper. I wondered what he was doing at that particular moment. I found I was missing him now that the near silence gave me time to think.

The roll of the waves across the shore was hypnotic in the silence, and I let my head rest against Seth's shoulder as he talked with his sister, Leah.

"Hey, Jake," Alice asked, her voice was barely above a whisper but in the silence of the group, it carried easily.

"Yeah?"

"Will you come with me to pick up Edward next week? They're flying in Christmas eve."

"Sure, do you think he'll be okay with that?"

"Yeah, I think he's done some growing up since leaving."

There was a snort at the other end of the circle. I wasn't sure who it was, even with my eyes scanning the darkness.

"Like that douche could ever change," I heard Paul's voice rise above the rest and assumed he'd been the one to snort as well. He didn't seem like the type to bottle his emotions.

"Can it, Paul," Jacob growled beside Alice.

"What? It's not like you haven't thought it."

"Paul, quit being an asshole," Leah interjected. "It may be your birthday, but I'm not above kicking your ass."

"What? All of a sudden everyone can forgive the guy because he's been gone for almost a year?"

"No, Paul, you insensitive bastard. It's because he's Alice's brother, and Alice may as well be one of us."

Alice shifted uncomfortably in her seat and looked at me with a cautious smile.

"Have you ever met the dick?" Paul asked me, looking between Alice and I.

I shook my head. I didn't want to offend Alice, but I was beginning to get intrigued by the way Paul was describing Alice's brother.

"Paul, that's enough."

"Jasper doesn't even like the guy."

"I thought Jasper and Edward didn't get along because of the boxing thing?" I questioned, looking to Alice for confirmation.

Alice's audible sigh seemed to stop the conversation from going any further. Although I was now highly curious, I really didn't want to push her into talking about something she wasn't comfortable talking about.

"Oh there was some boxing involved," Paul murmured under his breath.

There was silence once again surrounding the circle, only the waves lapping at the shore seemed to really stop the complete stillness of the moment. No one seemed to move from where they were sat and I had a feeling everyone knew how Alice felt about this specific topic.

"You okay, Alice?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah, just not my favorite subject, but these bone heads just love to tell the story."

"You have to admit, it was a pretty fucking great moment," Paul laughed. "He had it coming to him."

"Fine!" Alice sighed in resignation. "But this time I tell the story. Bella doesn't know my brother, or my parents."

Paul nodded, and leaned back against the log behind him. The glow of the fire strong on his features in the fast fading light.

"My parents come from old money, they're good people, but they're all about social circles and getting ahead in life. They don't like mingling with people they think are below them. Even the Whitlock's had trouble getting into the social circle of the Forks upper crust. My friendship with Jasper was questioned until Charlotte started donating to my mothers charity.  
"My brother, Edward, thinks along the same lines as they do, at least he did until he went away to college."

"Bullshit," Paul interjected.

"Paul," Jacob's tone was full of an unspoken warning, but Paul shrugged it off and motioned for Alice to continue.

"I'd been seeing Jake for about three months when Edward found out about him. He told my parents and they forbid me from coming down here to see him, in fact, they forbid me to see him at all.  
"Jasper was the only person I could talk to about it, he encouraged me to go after what I wanted and offered to be the fall back, so for a while, people believed I was dating Jasper. In reality, he was bringing me down to La Push to see Jacob."

No wonder they were so close. Jasper truly was one of a kind, and no one could deny just how much of a good guy he really was. He saw what made Alice happy and made sure that she followed her own dreams before letting her family get in the way. It also answered a lot of questions I had about Alice, why she was so sweet considering her background.

"Edward found out and followed us down here. He got out of the car and started screaming at me. He called me irresponsible, stupid, he really laid into me. I felt terrible, I had always looked up to Edward, but seeing this side of him really made me see him, and I realized that he was just like them. It wasn't the best moment of my life, realizing my brother was cruel snob."

Alice looked down at her hands and then up at Jacob, their eyes meeting. Something passed between them silently before Alice continued.

"Jasper decided to stay that particular day, I don't remember why, but we were all right here on first beach. Sam was still here, it was before he left for college. I think it may have been his going away party."

"No," Leah said with a faint smile on her lips. "It was his acceptance, he'd just received his letter saying he'd been offered a full scholarship to UW."

"That's right, because Edward had just has his acceptance letter to NYU."

A small murmur of voice passed around the group. The recollection seemed to have brought up memories for some of them. I watched as they quietly talked about Sam and his acceptance. Leah seemed the most nostalgic of the group.

It took a little while to calm down before Alice continued.

"Edward was in my face, screaming at me, calling me stupid and irresponsible, saying I was going below my station and slumming it. Jasper stepped in between us and told him to back off. The two of them threw words back and forth. Each was more hurtful than the last. Then Edward called Jasper white trash."

I bit my lips, trying to stop myself from saying something cruel about Alice's brother. If she said he'd changed, I believed her, people tended to say things in the heat of the moment just to get under the others skin. I'd seen a lot of it. Watching people sometimes gave you the advantage when it came to situations like this.

"Jasper got angry and basically told Edward to go fuck himself, told him to get the stick out of his ass. Edward pushed him in the heat of the moment. Both of them were too angry, I could see it coming but there was no way to stop it. Jasper threw two punches, one to Edward's stomach and the other to his face. He broke Edward's nose. Edward never told my parents who'd done it, but things still aren't good between Edward and Jasper."

"They also spent a fortune straightening his nose." Jacob mumbled from the other side of Alice. She elbowed him playfully. If it hadn't have been for the fire, I wouldn't have even seen the slight.

"You should have seen it, Bella," Paul laughed standing up, he looked around the circle until his eyes landed on Seth who was still sat on my other side. "Seth, come be Edward."

"No," Seth shook his head, but Paul gave him a look of finality making him clamber to his feet, mumbling under his breath.

"Push me," Paul demanded.

Seth rolled his eyes, but pushed Paul regardless. Paul threw punch in Seth's stomach and then aimed for his face, but Seth ducked and threw his shoulder into Paul's stomach. The two started wrestling roughly, sand and stones flew in every direction, making those around the circle move from the path of destruction.

"On that note," Alice laughed, standing up.

"You have to go so soon?" Jacob asked, his eyes sad and his lips pouty.

"I do, but I promise to make an effort to come back tomorrow." Alice said, moving between his legs and cupping his face with her tiny hands. "and don't forget you're coming to the airport with me next week to pick up Edward, Emmett and Rosalie."

Jacob groaned, but Alice just kissed the tip of his nose affectionately. Jacob's arms closed around her thighs pulling her into the circle of his arms.

A collective groan moved through the group as Alice bent in for a kiss, Jacob threw the rest of the circle his middle finger as his arms moved up her small body. I averted my eyes, watching the last of the match between Seth and Paul dying out as they both rolled onto their backs in the sand laughing.

I was thinking about the story Alice had told. Jasper had explained his past to me, and even with that knowledge, it surprised me he would lose his temper so thoroughly. He was always so gentle and kind to the people he interacted with, seeing him angry wasn't something I could fathom at all.

Even so, I knew he did it to defend his best friend. He saw her being verbally attacked and stepped in. If this Edward chose to pick a fight, then I could see that being a different story altogether. Yet, I couldn't fault Edward either. Even though he was being unnecessarily cruel, he was protecting his sister the only way he knew how.

I couldn't take sides on this fact, it had happened so long ago, I had never met Edward, and Alice truly believed he'd changed. If she could see past what happened, I had to. I couldn't judge someone on something they'd done in the past. It would make me the biggest hypocrite around.

"Bye guys," Alice said, alerting me to the fact that her moment was over.

The collective group said their goodbyes, and Alice and I headed up off of the beach.

We were just reaching the truck when we heard footsteps behind us, we both turned around and saw Jacob loping towards us with a smile on his face. He walked us the rest of the way to Alice's Yukon.

I gave him a hug and jumped into the truck and out from the biting wind rolling on off of the coast. I hadn't realized how cold it was. The fire had been more effective than I'd realized.

There was only a dull orange glow being cast from the lone light in the lot, but it was enough to see the scene in front of me. I felt like I was intruding again, but I couldn't look away. I'd never seen anything like it in my life.

Jacob's huge hands had Alice's face cupped in them, her head was tilted back as he leaned forward. They were quietly talking amongst themselves, but the love radiated from them like heat from a fire. When ever Alice would talk, Jacob would push the hair back from her face so he could see her eyes. Alice had her hands resting against his forearms as she looked at him in a way I couldn't even begin to describe.

Their love was evident, it was strong and bold. No one could have missed the looks that passed between them, but in a moment like this, when they thought they didn't have an audience, it was even more resplendent.

Jacob lowered his head until his lips brushed against Alice's in a featherlight touch. I looked down at my hands, trying not to watch them as they shared another private moment.

Alice climbed in a while later, a small sigh falling from her as she started the engine and unrolled the window.

"Call me later?"

"Of course, I love you, Jake."

"I love you too, baby. Come see me soon."

"I will, bye."

"Bye."

Alice put the car in reverse and pulled out of the parking spot slowly. She finally spoke when we pulled out onto the highway.

"I hate saying goodbye to him."

I smiled, I really didn't know what to say to her, I'd never been in that situation. I could only imagine how hard it would be to sneak away to see the one person in the world you wanted to spend all your time with. I tried putting myself in that situation in my head.

"I can understand that. Will it be harder when your brother comes home from college?"

"No," Alice sighed again. I think it was the most I'd ever heard her do so. She was normally so happy. "They don't know Edward now. That was over a year ago, almost two. Edward's been through a lot in college. He's done a lot of growing up. We talk a lot and he's happy for me, he realizes that it's not just a phase, like my parents liked to use as an excuse. He really isn't that person anymore, I hate that they tell that story."

"So, Edward's supportive?"

"He is now. He just wants me to be happy."

"That's good. People do change, it's just a shame that he can't show them that."

"Well, he wants to invite Jake to hang out with us one night. I don't know if it's a good idea, but if he's willing to try, I have to give him the benefit of the doubt."

"If you don't try, you'll never know."

"That's true," she smiled.

The car fell into a comfortable silence as we both withdrew into our thoughts. For the umpteenth time tonight, I let my mind wonder to it's constant preoccupation, Jasper. Now, as I sat in the dark silence of the car, with the new information, and after witnessing what Alice had with Jacob, I let myself think about him. I let myself think about the possibility of an us.

* * *

**A/N: I hope that answers why Edward and Jasper have bad blood between them. Eventually it will be an outtake, along with how Alice and Jacob came to be together, and maybe Rosalie's trip to La Push. I know it may seem like a bit of a filler chapter, but I needed to explain why Edward and Jasper don't really like one another all that much. Christmas is only a week away after all . . .**

**As always I would like to thank my triplets for the support they give me. This is actually the second version of this chapter, but they made me wait to make sure it's what I wanted to do before they set me loose. So thank you miztrezboo (Author of the amazing Voice inside my Head/The appointment and other awesome stories) And thank you bemylullaby (Author of For Better For Worse, Unintended and other amazing stories), for holding my hand. Especially when I'm being a PP. Also, Miztrezboo has an entry in the tattward/Inkella contest (Underground) and bemylullaby and I have a collaboration piece entered also (****Nunquam Vultus Tergum).**

**Thank you also to M., who has finally caught up and also adheres to my Neurotic tendencies.**

**Thank you for all the alerts and faves, and thank you to the reviewers who all rock hardcore. You are all amazing and each and every one of you inspire me. As always the review replies will have a sneak peek of the next chapter. The blog and forum will also 2 different sneak peeks, links on my profile.**

**Wow I had a lot to say, thank you all so much. Much love ~Weezy  
**


	13. Mansion Exploration

_**All Things Twilight belong to the awesome Stephenie Meyer.**_

* * *

**Mansion Exploration**

_Your words they make just a whisper _  
_Your face is so unclear _  
_I try to pay attention _  
_And the words just disappear _  
_Cuz it's always raining in my head _  
_Forget all the things I should have said_  
**_Ephiphany - Staind_**

**_

* * *

_**Alice dropped me off at the front of the house, excusing herself from not coming in. Her parents had been expecting her home, and after finding out a little bit more about them, I practically pushed her away. It was easy to see why she wouldn't want to go home now.

I stood looking at the large Whitlock house for a long time before finally going inside. I'd used the car ride to think about things. Think about how to deal with the situation I found myself in with Jasper. I'd been thinking about the possibility of an us, about being able to show him, or at least tell him what I was feeling.

Alice had helped me earlier in the day by disclosing what she knew about the situation. I was still finding it a little hard to believe, and no matter how much I wanted it to make sense, it wouldn't. If he'd truly felt that way about me, why would he work so hard at pushing me away. He'd been doing it all week. There had to be a reason behind it.

Even with all of this information under my belt, I was scared. It wasn't so much my fear of rejection that was holding me back. I 'd had plenty of time to deal with rejection once I lost Charlie. It was more a fear of losing the friendship with the rejection. What Jasper and I had was amazing. We talked for hours, never really running out of things to say. Even when there was silence. It was comfortable, natural, we simply left one another alone to our own thoughts.

I had to face my fear though. I knew how much I wanted to be with him in that capacity. I knew how much he already meant to me, if I didn't take the chance while I had it, I would always wonder what if. Quite honestly, I'd had enough of what if's to last me a lifetime, I didn't need nor want anymore, so I had to take a risk. I had to put everything on the line and trust in the outcome.

What was the worse that could happen?

He could laugh in my face, and tell me to leave. Well, sure it would hurt, I would be devastated, but was it was worth the risk to me? I could easily keep things as they are of course. Would it be better to have him as a friend that not in my life at all? Maybe.

A gush of ice cold wind hit the side of my face as I stood outside, still looking up at the overly large manor house. I had to make a decision. Even the three layers of clothing I was wearing wasn't sheltering me from the wind.

I stepped forward once, my heart lurched. I had to do something, I couldn't keep feeling like this.

I marched forward now, ignoring the confused feeling that coursed through me. I couldn't keep doing this to myself, I couldn't continually think things through until they became issues and made me physically sick worrying over them. Thinking things through was good, but to the point where it consumed every thought wasn't.

I stepped inside the house and pushed the door closed behind me. The foyer was dark and the only light in the house could be seen in the kitchen and upstairs from what I could only guess was Jasper's room.

"Jazz?"

"Kitchen."

The continuous stream of thoughts silenced the moment I heard his voice. I'd missed him. Today had been the first time we'd really been separated. Even when he was at school his things surrounded me, so there was never anytime to really feel his absence.

I ran towards the kitchen at a full sprint, the need overwhelmed me as my feet pounded the marble tile of the foyer. I skidded around the corner almost giddy, I couldn't even put my finger on why. Well, not until I saw him.

He had his back to the door, but he turned to greet me as I kept my pace. I was skidding to a stop in front of him before he could even say a word. My hands cupped his neck as I rolled onto my toes, and I pulled him into me again.

My entire body burst into flames the moment his lips touched mine, I half expected him to hesitate but he was everywhere. His hands gripped my hips tightly before they moved up my back, holding me closer to him. His lips parted gently letting his tongue dance across my bottom lip. I accepted his request, parting my lips so I could once again savor the taste of him.

There was no hesitance in sight, just a need. A need to be close, a need to touch a need to be close as we possibly could. He kissed me back with so much force he pushed us backwards. My back hit the marble topped island in the middle of the kitchen and before I could protest, he'd picked me up and sat me on the counter, our lips never moving from the other.

His hands cupped the sides of my face as I moved mine down his back. My legs separated and wrapped around him, pulling him closer and locking behind his thighs. His tongue dipped further into my mouth as he devoured me.

I couldn't get enough of him, he was all consuming, his smell, his feel, his touch, the small growls that emitted from him as he fought to get closer, everything pulled me deeper into his spell. For me, it was a defining moment, every emotion I had, everything I felt was put into that one kiss. Everything I couldn't, or wouldn't say was said in that kiss. I was falling for him hard, and there wasn't any turning back.

I gripped onto the back of his shirt, fisting it in my hands as I pulled him closer. I was fighting for breath around his lips, my chest was rising and falling in pants. Small explosion of excitement coursed through my veins. I groaned quietly as he took my bottom lip between his teeth and nibbled gently.

Jasper pulled away from me slowly, but I kept my eyes closed and a smile on my lips, hoping against hope he'd see that I was happy about this, that I wanted it. I spoke before I'd even made the decision to.

"I missed you," I whispered, my breath still coming in small pants.

"Look at me, Bella."

I chewed on my bottom lip for a second before complying with his wishes. All the nervousness and doubt was beginning to flood me again, and I didn't think I could take a negative reaction after a kiss like that.

I was surprised when I felt him lean his forehead against mine, involuntarily, my eyes flickered open.

"There you are," Jasper smiled, his lips brushing against my nose.

"Hi," my voice was higher than usual.

Jasper laughed quietly and pulled away from me. His eyes never left mine once.

"I missed you too," he breathed, leaning in and kissing my lips again.

Elation flooded my body as his words sunk in. Pops and flutters filled every part of my body, fire burned where my thighs were still locked around him. Did this mean he wanted this too? Was all of the worrying and anxiety pointless?

Jaspers fingers brushed strands of my hair behind my ears as his hands once again cradled my face with a gentle caress.

"I've wanted to do that all week."

"What?" I laughed, I couldn't help myself. Why the hell had we not been doing all week? I knew I wouldn't have complained.

"I didn't want to take advantage, I didn't want you to think the only reason I'm letting you stay here is because I want something from you. When you kissed me last week, I thought I'd pressured you into it, so I backed off."

I laid both of my hands on his chest as I smiled up at him. Everything inside of me was so warm, I felt alive, and happy. Happier than I'd felt in a long time. Jasper had given me that. Jasper had been the one to give me hope, and now he was doing it again. This time it was a hope for more.

"Did it occur to you that I was the one that kissed you?" I half laughed. "I wanted it too, not because I think I owe you something, but because I wanted to."

"But you ran away so quickly, I thought . . ."

"I thought you were rejecting me," I interrupted.

"Really?"

I nodded, his warm palms spread another surge of heat through me.

"Why didn't you say something?"

"I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. The last thing I wanted was for you to feel forced into something."

Jasper chuckled quietly before once again placing his forehead on mine. His eyes slid closed as a warm and genuine smile filled his features. I let my arms circle his waist as we just looked at one another. With one simple look, he was telling me just how wrong I'd been.

For the first time in a long time, I felt wanted.

We stayed like that for a while, just being close, he'd pulled me into his chest and I was content just to listen to his heart beating. I felt warm and safe in his arms. It wasn't until the kitchen started filling up with smoke that either of us moved. I was the first to spot it. It hung in the air, steadily creeping closer to us. Jasper's head was leaned on top of mine and with a guess, I would have said his eyes were closed.

"Were you cooking?" I asked, trying to keep the laughter and panic from my voice.

"Fuck," Jasper sprang into action, releasing me and pulling a skillet from the stove top and throwing it into the sink. I jumped from the counter and tried to help, waving a towel around the air trying to break up the smoke.

"What were you cooking?"

"Grilled cheese. I figured you'd be hungry," he laughed, turning off the heat.

I giggled, and wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling myself into him. His strong arms were immediately around me holding me close.

"I guess we're ordering in," he laughed.

An hour later we were eating chinese food from the take out in town.

~o~O~o~

It had been a week since that night. Jasper and I had fallen into a comfortable pattern that felt like what I imagined a relationship to be like. We spent all of our time together, and though we still hadn't ventured any further than kissing, we did cuddle up with one another at night.

It was a comfortable routine. We would lay together, our foreheads touching and talk until sleep consumed us, our arms and legs were always tangled together. We were inseparable. Now Christmas had finally rolled around, he was hesitant to leave me. Alice's parents were expecting him though, and I knew she wanted the company.

I was sprawled across the bed watching him get ready to go over to Alice's house for Christmas dinner. As soon as we'd woken up, he'd tried once again to get out of going, but I wouldn't hear of it. Neither of us needed to create suspicion. Alice had already told me that her parents were curious as to why they hadn't seen him in so long. He needed to get back some semblance of his regular life.

He and I had spent so much time together in the last couple of weeks, one day wouldn't hurt.

"I can say I'm not feeling well," Jasper stated, sticking his head out of the bathroom toothbrush in hand.

"Jazz, they're expecting you. I'll be fine here alone."

"I know, I just want to spend some time with you. It's Christmas."

"I know, but just think of how happy I'll be to see you when you get back," I grinned. My mind traveled to the day I'd come home from La Push, I'd been so happy to see him after spending the entire day separated from him.

His eyebrows rose on his forehead and his familiar smile filled his features, alerting me to the fact that his mind was probably on that very same day.

"In that case . . ." he trailed off, stepping out of the bathroom.

"In that case, what?" I giggled.

He stalked across the room with a grin on his face and stopped only when he was stood between my legs. I could smell his soap from his shower, it danced around filling my senses.

"In that case, I'll be gone all day," he murmured quietly, he bent slowly from the waist as his free hand found it's way to my chin. He tilted my head up so I was looking directly at him. I held my breath as his soft warm lips pressed against my own.

I'd learned in the last couple of weeks, that kissing Jasper was simply addictive. Once we started it was difficult to stop. I was amazed at how much of a gentleman he was, he still hadn't pushed it further. He seemed content to simply kiss me.

I felt the cool mint of his fresh breath hit my lips as his tongue ran across the line between my top and bottom lip. I let them part and rejoiced in the feeling of it as he explored my mouth. My hands tangled into his hair and pulled him to me, holding him there for as long as I could before I had to let him go for the day.

I felt him leaning closer with every new wave of heat between us, before I knew it, I was laying on my back with him hovering over me. One of his knees sat solidly between my thighs as he rocked into the kiss, it created waves of pure lust to explode from my body. I trembled a little as it made the need for him even deeper.

He pushed up slowly, his eyes searching mine as he created an unwelcome space between us. I could see the concern on his face.

"Are you alright?"

My teeth dug deeply into my bottom lip as I tried to keep the blush from my cheeks, but it was hopeless. I could see it in his smile as the realization hit. I hoped he wouldn't ask exactly why I was trembling. I might die of mortification.

He ran his fingers through the loose strands of hair that had fallen across my brow and smiled the single most breathtaking smile I'd ever seen. Words seemed to be forming on his lips as he just watched me with pure adoration in his eyes.

"I . . ."

"Jasper . . ." Alice's voice startled us both from our current position. I sat up quickly, my head smashing against his chin as I did so. My ears rang with the sudden shot of pain. I heard his cuss loudly as he sat up rubbing the place I had assaulted him.

"Sorry guys, I didn't mean to interrupt, I just knew I would have to drag Jasper out of here. I can see I wasn't wrong," she smirked, her eyes twinkling with mischief.

"You're powers of observation stun me," Jasper fired back sarcastically, rubbing his chin and rolling his head on his shoulders. I hated to think how hard I'd hit him.

"Sorry, Jasper," I whispered. I could feel the grimace rising with my blush.

"It wasn't your fault, Babe. Some people just don't know how to use this new thing they call a _telephone._"

Alice rolled her eyes and gave me a warm smile. "I have something for you."

"No," I shook my head. They'd both promised no Christmas presents. I wouldn't accept anything from either of them if I couldn't reciprocate.

"Too late."

"Alice, you promised!"

"I know," she added, shuffling her feet as she dipped her head. "But, I think you'll really like it."

"Alice!"

"It's not really for you, it's . . ." she snapped her mouth shut as her eyes widened. "You'll see."

I couldn't help the eye roll that followed that statement. Alice had been full of mysterious absences the last month or so, well, since we'd come back from Seattle that last time.

"Oh come on, you know I love you to death, it's nothing bad."

Jasper chuckled playfully and I couldn't help but poke my finger in his side.

"Is everyone already home?" Jasper asked, in a terrible attempt to change the subject. I knew he wasn't exactly excited about the prospect of spending Christmas with Edward either.

"No, they all missed the plane. Dad about had a fit. They're coming in tomorrow instead."

"Christmas day?" I asked. I wasn't even aware planes ran on Christmas day.

"Yeah, there weren't many flights, so they were lucky it wasn't after Christmas," she said, rolling her eyes. "Which is why mom is so excited to have Jasper over. She says it's just too quiet with the three of us."

I had a feeling that was a hint, and Jasper didn't miss the lack of subtlety. Jasper ran back into the bathroom to drop off his toothbrush before rejoining us again.

"Right then, lets get this show on the road," Jasper sighed, giving me a wink.

"Sorry about this, Bella. It's completely my fault, I forgot to tell them I had a friend coming into town."

"It's fine," I laughed. In all truth, I was looking forward to some time alone. I was planning on exploring the huge house. Jasper had been telling me about some of the things they had here, but I had yet to see it. This was a perfect opportunity to wander around.

"Don't get lost while I'm gone," he said, leaning in to kiss me with a smirk on his face. I'd told him that I planned to explore so he wouldn't think I was snooping if he got back and I wasn't where I was supposed to be.

As soon as his lips connected with mine, I felt the familiar buzz of electricity run through my body. I would never get used to that, but I doubted I would ever tire of it either. It took Alice coughing to make us separate.

"Bye, I'll see you later, okay?" he smiled.

"Bye."

I sat on the bed and watched as they left the room. Alice's all knowing smirk told me that Jasper would get no peace in the drive to her house. She had her interrogation smile on, and I was glad that, for once, I wasn't the one being interrogated.

I stretched out on the bed like a cat, my back arched off the bed as I stretched some of the muscles that had ceased up while I had been lying on it watching Jasper. I listened intently for the door to slam closed or at least the faint buzz of an engine in the distance.

I had a mental checklist of what to go searching for first. The only two places I'd been in this cavernous home, was the kitchen and Jasper's bedroom. Jasper had told me about the library his mother kept on the first floor and I was just itching to find it.

Reading had always been one of my favorite things to do while I was waiting for Charlie to get home after one of his late shifts. My books had been left behind just like every other possession of mine and it saddened me to think where they were and who had them now. Charlie, knowing my love of reading, had attempted to find me special copies of each. It was a game we used to play. I would find him the original vinyl of his favorite albums and he would attempt to find me an original copy of one of my favorite books.

My hand ventured to my cheek. I was smiling at the memory of Charlie. Something I hadn't done in so long, but now came naturally. Jasper had helped me with that. Asking me questions about him, listening to my stories with every ounce of his attention. He'd even gone as far to rationalize my anger after his death. I'd never known anyone like him, and I doubted I would ever find anyone that willing to help ease the load of the baggage I carried around with me.

Silence filled the house and left me alone with only the sound of my breathing. I knew I must be alone now. As big as the house was, it was never this quiet.

Excitement filled me as I rolled from the bed, ready to begin my small expedition throughout the house. Jasper had given me free reign over every room. Nothing was off limits to me, and the thought filled me with something I could only describe as giddiness.

I pulled open the bedroom and looked left and right, planting my hands firmly on my hips. To my right, there were three doors before it took a sharp right corner. To my left, was the master staircase, and beyond that, another wing of the house.

Smiling to myself, I closed my eyes and started slowly spinning. I couldn't stop the giggle that escaped me as I let my head fall back on my shoulders and picked up the speed. I felt like a kid in a candy store.

I stopped and opened my eyes ans swayed in my feet. To the right it was.

I spent at least and hour wandering slowly around the second floor of the house. Even with Jasper giving me free reign, when I stumbled across his parents room I closed the door without stepping a foot inside. I felt as though I was trespassing. Just being at the door made me feel as though I was invading their privacy.

They had a huge office in the left wing of the house, it had a library of first editions. It was all the classics, Jane Eyre, Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, the list went on. All of them were leather bound with thin aged paper. I'd picked up a copy of Charles Dickens' Great Expectations and run my finger over the aged press. The smell was something I hadn't anticipated, but I was surprised to find that I liked it. It was how I would imagine a University library to smell.

The desk in the room faced out across the front of the house where the pond reflected the sky like a mirror. You could see the tips of the mountains in the distance. Papers were spread out across the cherry stained wood, each small piece had a neat scrawl covering them.

I picked up a sheet hoping I wasn't intruding. I was surprised at what I found. The words were honest and hauntingly beautiful in their context.

_The dawn of a new day, it brings the light across the events of the dark._  
_The dark of the night that consumed us._  
_Each hue of light dances across the surfaces at it cleanses._  
_Our souls embrace the significance of the dawning._  
_Like mirrors of hope, we cling to the new day._

I laid the paper back on the desk realizing that I had managed to stumble across someones private thoughts expressed in words I should never have been reading.

I sighed as I remembered the words on that paper. They may not have had the same symbolism, but I understood them in my own context. When people think no one is looking, when they believe they're truly alone, their thoughts become poetic. I would have to ask Jasper about them. I didn't want to intrude, but the words had haunted me through the rest of my exploration of the second floor.

I gripped onto the railing of the stairs as I let my eyes wander of the art displayed on the paneled walls of the stairway. I'd never seen any of them before, but that wasn't saying much. I'd only ever been to a museum once and that was with the school.

When I entered the door at the bottom of the stairs, I couldn't help but smile at the contents. It was obvious that it was inhabited mostly by a woman. A comfortable chaise lounge sat by the large undressed windows. A bookshelf with paperback copies of books sat close by, and I could tell that whoever used this room loved to read. I ran my fingers of the well worn spines of the books.

I picked up the book that was sat on the small table and sat down on the chaise lounge. I flipped through the pages unaware and completely oblivious to everything. The story was compelling and I wasn't even aware that the darkness of the evening had fully set in until I could no longer see the words on the page.

I tried to put everything back in it's place, and snuck out of the room quietly into the darkened corridor at the bottom of the stairs. I was go on or back to Jasper's room? Jasper had only been gone four hours, so I figured I was good for a couple more hours. When Charlie and the guys had a Christmas party, they always lasted till Christmas day and beyond. I doubted this was the case with the Washington State upper crust, but I could be wrong.

I flicked on lights as I wandered down corridors, it was like a trail of breadcrumbs, showing me the way out. The place was like a maze.

I opened doors and stuck my head in rooms that really weren't all that interesting. There was a room with games like pool and air hockey, but I decided to wait till Jasper got home, it was no fun to play alone.

I found the prize at the end of the corridor. I would never have guessed what was behind the plain looking door, but when I pushed it open, I couldn't stop the shriek from escaping my lips.

I slid in the door and felt along the wall for the light switches I knew had to be there. When I flicked them on, the small line of light reflecting from the water bounced off the walls and ceiling. The patterns danced happily as I giggled internally. I hadn't been swimming in forever.

I looked around the large open room before skipping towards the edge. The kid in a candy store analogy had long been thrown out of the window, I had no words for the excitement this body of water provided me with.

I wanted to strip down and dive in, but living in Washington, I knew better. I bent my knees and lowered myself down so I could feel the water. My assumption, that was mainly stemmed from my cynicism, told me it would be heated; and when my fingers broke the surface of the water, I couldn't help but smile. The temperature was perfect.

"Bella?"

The voice startled me, and as I pushed myself from the ground at the same moment I tried to turn around, I knew I was a going down. My feet tangled around my ankles, and as I fought to correct them my bad equilibrium finished the job. Gravity sucked me in.

The water was wonderful as it surrounded my body. The temperature was perfect. I heard the muffled sound of a splash somewhere around me and let my lips curl into a smile. Jasper was coming to save me!

It was a ludicrous thought, but it was still so very Jasper.

I resurfaced just as his arms circled my waist. He slowly moved us towards the wall and held me up, one arm beside my head gripping the flagstone, the other around my waist. I looked up slowly, surprised to see his eyes alight with humor.

"Oh good, you can swim,"

I laughed but brought my hand across the surface. It created a wave of water to cover his head once again, small drips formed across his forehead and in his hair, sparkling in the dim light. His eyes darkened as he shook the excess water from his head. His body pressed against mine, trapping me against the wall.

My breath stuttered in my chest as I realized just how close we were to one another. My thighs burned where they touched his. My stomach flipped as his gaze penetrated mine. Everything pushed me towards him and him alone.

"You're playing a dangerous game, Isabella."

The use of my full name almost had me melting against him. I fought a losing battle against my legs as they wrapped around his waist and pulled him closer to me; his body stiffened and shuddered at the contact. My arms moved up around his shoulders and crossed behind his neck. One flex of my arms and he'd be kissing me.

This was better. This felt natural.

"A very dangerous game," he whispered, his voice husky.

Heat pulsed between my thighs surprising me. I'd never had this kind of reaction to a guy before, but Jasper was anything but you're typical guy. In the time we'd spent together, he'd become my world, and it scared me to death.

"Oh yeah?" I whimpered, my thighs tightening around his waist. "How dangerous?"

Jasper's eyes slid closed as I looked down at him. He looked gorgeous. I brushed my lips against his, pulling away to test the waters. His eyes didn't open, not even a slither, he simply ran his nose against my jawline humming gently under his breath.

"Jazz."

"Mmm?"

"Kiss me," I said, an undertone of pleading in my voice. This new dynamic between us was making me crazy. I wanted to feel his lips on mine.

"With pleasure."

His hands tangled in the wet tendrils at the back of my neck and pulled me to him. Our lips crashed against one another with an urgency I had never experienced before. Fire ran through my body as I realized what was happening inside of me, when I realized what I wanted to give him.

I whimpered and pulled away looking at him, his eyes were closed and there was a serene sense of right coursing through my body. I had never been this close to a guy before, it was exciting and a little scary, but I knew it was what I wanted.

Small beads of water hung from the tips of his hair. The blond was considerably darker when it was wet. Strands stuck to his forehead making small streams of water roll over his cheeks. He was beautiful, it was the only word I had to describe him. My fingers traced the line of water that naturally took the course of his strong jaw down to his chin. I couldn't stop my thumb from brushing over his full bottom lip. I knew, simply by being this close to him, that I was willing to give him the only two things I had left to give him. My love, and myself.

* * *

**A/N: You can hate me *giggle*. This is the reason behind the double post this week. Friday will be the lemon. If that's not your thing, you can skip over it if you please. I've tried to structure it so you don't have to read it unless you want to. I figure that was a fair way of doing things.**

**Fanfiction is being a pain in my ass and won't let me review reply today, so instead, I will be messaging you until they rectify the problem. Pain in the butt? Why yes it is, but you've taken the time to review, so I will get that sneak peek to you :)**

**Thanks to everyone who has held my hand on this. Miztrezboo, author of the amazing Appointment and her sexy Bella and plethora of conquests, bemylullaby, author of the amazing For Better for Worse, and the evil momma Newt. M.V. Cullen, to list a few.**

**That's enuff babbling from me. Keep your eyes open for our brand spanking new competition coming up soon. I will post details soon.**

**Thanks for the alerts and faves, and thank you to all of you amazing reviewers who continue to review. You are all amazing, and you totally ROCK!**

**Don't forget the blog! There are new exciting changes afoot, linkage on my profile :)  
**

**Much love and big hugz ~ Weezy.**


	14. Spontaneous

_**All things Twilight belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer.  
This is the lemon, if you don't want to read it, it's all good :)**_

* * *

Last time on The Girl Under the Bed . . .

_Small beads of water hung from the tips of his hair. The blond was considerably darker when it was wet. Strands stuck to his forehead making small streams of water roll over his cheeks. He was beautiful, it was the only word I had to describe him. My fingers traced the line of water that naturally took the course of his strong jaw down to his chin. I couldn't stop my thumb from brushing over his full bottom lip. I knew, simply by being this close to him, that I was willing to give him the only two things I had left to give him. My love, and myself.  
_

* * *

**Spontaneous**

_Nothing I can think, nothing I can do _  
_ That I would want to say _  
_ Nothing in my head or yours _  
_ That you can say really makes me want to say _  
_ Now I found out there's something really standing all for life _  
_ Oooh, I think it's about time _  
_ We did something about what's going down_  
_**May Fly - Terry Reid  
**_

* * *

I continued tracing his face with my fingers as he patiently sat still letting me explore the rises and falls of his features. His warm breath hit the damp beads on my neck. A small shudder ran down my spine straight to the heat between my legs where we were fully clothed but connected none the less. My hips rocked involuntarily at the sensation and I didn't miss the length of him straining against his wet jeans on my inner thigh.

Both of us opened our eyes at the same time and just looked at one another, unspoken words passing between us. Jasper's hooded eyes appraised me. He was asking my permission, he wanted to kiss me again. He was obviously oblivious to my inner musings, so I obliged. My hips rocked against him once again, as I pressed my chest against his in my desperation to feel his lips again.

I was taking control this time. I let my tongue slide across his lips, tasting the chlorine against his skin, his mouth opened but caught my bottom lips between his before I could make my move. The sensation from his warm lips sucking on mine made my stomach explode within me.

Everything was so new to me, everything beyond this point something I had no experience in. With anybody else I knew I would be freaking out, but I trusted Jasper. I knew no matter what happened he would look after me.

His hands were everywhere as the kiss intensified. Our tongues battled for dominance as our bodies rocked and swayed with the small waves we were creating in the water. My thighs gripped his waist tightly, my arms tightened around his neck and I pulled myself up his body; so for once, I had the height advantage.

We moved together. As my body rose, his head fell further back on his shoulders allowing me the advantage. I let my hands roam over his shoulders, reveling in the feel of his muscles twitching below my palms. His hands held me to him, one on my neck and one my back. We couldn't get close enough.

Every tug and pull between us was another attempt to forge our skin together so we'd never have to leave this moment. My breasts were flat against his chest as he held me to him with such a ferocity I could barely catch my breath.

This wasn't just a kiss anymore, this was a need. We needed one another, we needed that ultimate connection. I could have cared less about anything in the world in that one second. Being with Jasper, like this, made me forget everything that had happened to me, because he consumed me. He eased his way into my heart and lodged himself between my ribs, he would always be there.

Both of us were struggling for air now. The mixed heat of our mouths had stolen the last store of oxygen we had. Jasper released my lips, but his traveled over my chin and down my throat. Hot wet kisses that left trails of damp heat that sparked the clench in my stomach.

The heat from his body ebbed through his wet clothes and burned me without the pain. It was desire. Eating through us as we explored one another. I needed more of him against me, we had to many barriers between us. I wanted to feel his skin against mine.

My hands pulled away from his face and I leaned back away from him. I caught his face as he searched for my skin. I caught the perfection and want that filled his features before he'd even opened his eyes.

My hands traveled down to the edge of the tank top I was wearing and pulled. The wet material peeled slowly from my body as I worked it over my head. As soon as the material was gone, I was met by Jasper's eyes.

They were filled with surprise, but even more prevalent, they had the hunger, the same eat you alive look I had described to Alice. My breaths hitched in my throat. He was mesmerizing. His normally light blue eyes took on the color of a thunderous sky. My heart crashed in my chest, as his eyes traveled over my body, they moved down over my breasts, lingering at the swell of flesh peeking from the top of the wet cotton. They moved down over the plains of my stomach and stopped at the waist band of the sweats I was wearing.

"You're fucking beautiful," he murmured, his head inching towards the skin on my shoulder.

I was expecting his lips to brush against my hot flesh, but his tongue left a wet path from my shoulder, down to the skin visible above the top of the bra. Fireworks sparked inside of my body and every nerve in my body was like a live wire. I tingled and popped as his breath mingled with the water intensifying the sensation.

Jasper's fingers danced along my back slowly as though he were testing the waters. I knew he was unsure about where we stood, but I wouldn't stop him. I didn't think I was capable. Everything in my body reached for him like he was the sun. The small hairs on the back of my neck stretched towards him as he worked in a painfully slow pattern towards the clasp in the middle of my back.

I savored the feeling though, closing my eyes as my head fell back on my shoulders in pleasure. I could feel the effects of his finger on my skin as the the brushed the line of cotton. I could feel the buds of skin hidden within the cups now rubbing roughly against the material, showing my pleasure.

I was sure Jasper noticed too. His teeth closed around the swollen nub and the material that hid them from view. My hips rocked against his with such force, we both groaned at the effort. I was on sensory overload.

"Please, Jasper." It was all I could manage in the current situation. It was either that or screaming take it off at the top of my lungs. I needed to feel him against my flesh.

I almost squealed when I felt his fingers hook under the material. It wasn't my crowning moment, but I had needed it. Chlorine and the warm musk from his body swirled around me. It sobered me up, but drug me back into the moment.

The material from the bra slackened across my chest. I would have waited for him to take it off, but I didn't think I could wait that long. I wanted to feel him against my skin, I wanted to feel the hot dampness of his mouth wrapped around the taut skin of my tightly erect nipples.

The muscles between my thighs tightened as his teeth pulled and nibbled on my flesh. Soft moans and hard breaths poured from my mouth at the sensation. I clawed at the material covering his body, my fingers finding purchase in the soaking material. It clung to him like a second skin as he continued his exploration of my chest. I pulled and tugged on the material as I worked it up to his head.

He pulled away from me so I could pull the material over his head. The weight of it made it easy to throw it onto the flagstone that surrounded the pool. My eyes traveled over his chest and down to the plains of his muscular stomach. Water had collected in bubbles in the deep ridges. If I though he was beautiful with his clothes on, it had no comparison to him shirtless.

His large hand hooked around my ear, and he tilted my head head so he could look at me. There were so many questions in his eyes, so much uncertainty. I knew that look, and there was nothing I could say to make it all right. I had to show him.

My lips crashed against his as my breasts pushed against the bare skin of his chest. The warmth flooded my body as my fingers clawed against the back of his head, digging my fingers into his scalp and holding him to me.

I held him to me like my life depended on it.

It took him a minute to snap back into action, but there was a determination behind his actions now. His hands explored my exposed skin with a gentle delicacy, but desperate urgency. Everything we did was a contradiction now. The fast and the slow together, the hot and the cold, the gentle but rough.

My fingers moved from his neck, down over his shoulders until the ended up on his waist. The v that ran in a defined ridge over his hips, was exposed because of the weight of his jeans. I ran along the denim to his belt, pulling the tail loose with a flick of my wrists.

I heard him groan under my movements and I enjoyed the knowledge that I'd been the one to do that. His hands traveled down my spine to the waistband of the pants I was wearing as I worked on his button. His fingers slid below the material of both layers, cupping my cheek in his hand with more force than I'd been expecting.

I squealed into his mouth earning me a smile that I felt rather than saw. His lips curved around mine as he once again sucked my bottom lip between his teeth. This time he bit down sending a wave of rapture through my veins. My hips rolled at the sensation and I felt his excitement straining against his wet jeans as it rubbed along the seam of my pants.

My hands were trapped between our stomachs and I could feel the excitement running between us like electricity. I had never felt a draw to someone like this. I had never experienced the raw primal urge to have someone so close that our skin practically fused together as one. It was everywhere coursing through my veins, rolling across my skin, exploding in every nerve.

With little effort, I was able to get my hands back to where I needed them to be. I pushed his zipper down slowly at first but found the all consuming need too much to cope with. The material gave no hint of helping my endeavor as it clung to his perfect form.

I eased my hand under the material, the heel of my hand brushed along the head of his member as I attempted to separate the two. Jasper let off a low growl. The hot air from his breath filling the damp confines of my mouth.

Without warning, his hands began to move again, pushing the wet cotton of the pants I was wearing down over my ass. He moved quicker than I had, the wet material tried to cling to my thighs but he took on the battle with a fervor and desperation only I could understand.

Fire ebbed through my body as his hands ran along my thighs pushing the material along with them. He'd been wiser than I had, my underwear was still trapped within the confines of the wet material leaving me naked as he pushed the last of it over my calves.

His success left me with a taste of desperation boiling to the surface. The need grew within me as I pushed my hand under the thin wet fabric of his boxers and pushed at the material over his perfectly rounded ass. My palms caressed the smooth skin as I continued down to the back of his thighs.

Jasper groaned against the skin of my neck as his erection brushed against my stomach.

"Fuck, Bella," he groaned, the vibrations against my skin increasing my need for him.

I used all the resources I had to finish the job, my feet pushed the denim until I found success.

Realizing how close we were and how exposed we were caught me off guard, but it didn't lessen the need for him. Jasper hooked one of his hands around my thigh and hooked it over his hip. Without needing more prompting I followed his example and hooked the other the same way.

Our breaths were heavy and labored as we paused to look at one another. There was no longer the hint of hesitance in his eyes, just pure wanton desire. The blue I had grown so accustomed to was now gone completely. The dark blue just bled into a deeper shade as it reached the pupil.

Jasper's fingers gripped my hips as his situated himself between my thighs. My heart pounded in my chest as the full weight of what we were about to do crashed down around me. I wasn't hesitating, not even a little bit. It was deeper than that. It was the realization that I was giving myself to him, trusting him more than I had ever trusted anybody. I was giving him the piece of myself I had kept sacred, I was giving it to him because I loved him.

Jasper caught my eyes with his. He inched his hips forward so I could feel him against the wet folds that surrounded my heat. My breath hitched in my throat but I held his stare, letting him know that I was ready, that it was what I wanted just as much as I knew he wanted it.

His lips met mine as he pushed into me with a quick but gentle thrust. I cried out, my fingers gripping against his shoulders as I adjusted to the size of him. I had nothing to compare it to, so I couldn't comment, but I knew it filled me completely.

"Dammit, Bella," Jasper's voice was shaky, mixed in with the pants against my skin, but I could hear his frustration as I whimpered against his skin. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want you to . . ." I paused taking a breath as the pain started subsiding around him. "I didn't want you to reject me."

Jasper's lips moved across my temple as his hands moved from my hips to hold me around the waist and pull me against his chest. He gently moved a hand to brush the wet strands of hair from my face as he looked at me closely.

"Do you want to stop?"

I shook my head and attempted to rotate my hips with him inside of me. The pain was still there but it was mingling with the pleasure of the friction. It was slowly being overpowered by the excitement and pleasure.

Jasper pulled out of me slowly. I groaned as the friction spread a shot of pleasure through my body. It overshadowed the ache I had been feeling and I couldn't help but whimper at the loss of him. I hadn't realized how emphatically profound our connection had been until it was gone.

"Jasper?"

"If this is your first time, I want to make this a little more memorable," he sighed, kissing the tip of my nose.

His hands gripped my waist as he pushed me up and settled me on the edge of the pool. I fought to keep the blush at bay as his eyes surveyed my naked body. My hands involuntarily covered my breasts as his eyes lingered on me.

"No," he smiled, his hands hit the flagstone either side of me. As he pushed down, his body rose from the water. His eyes picked up mine as his nose touched mine. "You're beautiful, you don't need to cover up a thing."

He kissed me on the lips before sliding back down into the water. The chlorinated water lapping at his skin as though it were drinking him in. He moved to the side and hoisted himself out on one swift movement. His naked form was magnificent as he straightened out. His pales skin glistened in the dim light of the room, the beads catching the light as his muscles rippled. I was beginning to feel insignificant.

Jasper held out his hand to me, offering me help. I took it letting him pull me to my feet. In one movement I was standing but he'd managed to pull me into his body, his arms wrapped around me as his erection pushed against my stomach.

"We're going to do this right," he mumbled, walking us to where the wicker loungers sat by the long windows along the eastern wall. He released me only briefly as he pulled the large patterned cushions from the wicker and laid them on the ground.

Together, they made a wide pallet of cushion.

Jasper lowered himself in front of me. Landing on his knees against the padding below him. His lips brushed against my stomach, he suckled on my hips, his hands moved everywhere. I couldn't believe the effect he was having on me. My legs were numb, my blood boiled, explosions overtook my nerve endings.

Moving slowly, his hand enveloped mine and pulled down, I let him guide me until I was on my knees in front of him. His darkened eyes held mine captive as he searched for something behind them. I knew what he would find, and I knew what he would see. I wanted this, every part of me ached for him to fill the void I was still feeling. I hadn't lost the longing I had for him. I still wanted that connection.

His lips crashed against mine, the hunger evident at the intensity and heat that emanated from us. His body crashed into mine as he pushed me gently back towards the comfortable over stuffed cushions that lay below us. I pulled one leg from under myself as my hands sunk into the soft padding below me. My other leg pulled from under me and came up on the other side of him as my thighs gripped at him.

He was laid on top of me, his weight barely distinguishable as he propped himself up on his elbows. I could feel his hardened length rubbing against my thigh. I tensed involuntarily, knowing what was coming next.

Jasper pulled away from my lips, his own traveled along my jaw. His hand moved slowly to the sensitive skin behind my knee. He hoisted my leg a little higher over his hip until his member brushed along my damp folds. His hot breath blew across the sensitive skin under my ear.

"Relax, Bella," he whispered. His voice left bands of air across my heated skin making me shiver gently. "Are you sure?"

I let my body relax around him as my hands cupped his face. I pulled him to me so I could see his eyes, so he could see mine and know exactly how much I meant what I was saying to him. I needed him to know that I was ready, that I craved the feel of him inside of me.

"I have never wanted anything as much as I want you," I whispered.

That was all it took to confirm what I was feeling, I could see the change behind his eyes as his question was answered honestly and thoroughly. I wanted him. That was all he needed to know.

His lips crashed against mine as his hips rocked forward. I gasped for air as he settled, fully sheathed inside of me. This time, however, it wasn't from the pain. It was from the pleasure, from the overwhelming connection that we seemed to be sharing. It was the honesty of the moment. He and I were one.

I hummed my pleasure into his mouth as he started his tempo, the friction he was causing inside of me, made my back arch from the make shift bed, my chest pressed against him as our lips and hips moved together in synchronization. Our breaths mingled between us as we gasped in pants of air.

Jasper was still balanced on his elbows as he moved above me. His hands were tangled in my hair, cradling my head as his lips trailed down my throat to my shoulder. My legs tightened around his waist pulling my hips from the ground as he buried himself deeper inside of me.

Everything was building inside of me again, electricity running through my body as a bundle if pure excitement grew in my abdomen. My legs shook around him as he picked up the tempo. Moans of pleasure poured from my mouth.

Everything worked around my body as he continued to nip and rock into me with force, my mind was in circles screaming out the same inflections as my mouth. I felt as though I couldn't take anymore, as though my body would explode if I didn't release the tension within me. The tremors in my legs worked up through my body.

I tried to concentrate on something other than the sensation taking control of my body. I concentrated on the muscles in his back as the tenses and flexed under my hand, I tried to concentrate on the way his hips rolled as he pushed into me.

My fingers gripped on his ass pulling him deeper to me as the feeling became too much for me. I called out for God, I didn't know why his name was the one that came tumbling from my lips, but I couldn't stop it.

"Let go, baby," Jasper whispered in my ear as he rocked into me harder.

I wasn't exactly sure what that meant or how I was supposed to do it, but the huskiness in his voice, the way his words were formed like a growl, pushed me over that proverbial edge. I tumbled into oblivion as pleasure took over my body. I clung to him as my hips ground in to his. My teeth sunk in to the soft flesh of his shoulder as I screamed my happiness against his skin.

I could feel him pulsing inside of me as every muscle I had tensed around him. Pure happiness course through my veins as my hands traveled to his hair, holding him to me as he collapsed on top of me. I didn't loosen my hold on him immediately. The moment was too raw, I needed to keep it fresh in my mind, I needed to keep that connection just a while longer.

My body finally started to relax as the tremors began to subside. Every limb felt heavy as exhaustion took the place of the excitement. My legs slid down Jasper's thighs, my arm lazily hung around his neck, my eyelids slid to a close. I could barely feel Jasper's head on my shoulder as he drug in his breath.

"I never . . ." he started, but his panting got in the way.

"I know," I mumbled. "Amazing."

Jasper chuckled against my shoulder before he lifted his head to catch my eyes. Satisfaction seemed to make his cornflour blue eyes shine, his lips were curved into a perfect smile, his full bottom lip looking good enough to eat.

He rolled to my side pulling out of me gently as he did. I whimpered at the loss, but was rewarded when he pulled me into his arms, holding me against his chest. I wanted to say so many things, I wanted to tell him how I felt. At the same time I wanted to just bask in the heat of his body against mine, silently tracing the lines of his face as I waited for him to fall asleep.

All of them were still contradictions, only this time they were each full of an intense satisfaction. A warmth that seemed to travel around my body with my blood.

Jasper linked our fingers together and pulled them to his lips so he could kiss the back of my hand. I smiled lazily as my eyes flickered closed once again. For the first time in my life, I fell into a warm, but extremely happy post coital slumber.

* * *

**A/N: So there you have it, I hope their first time came out as sweet as I meant it to be.**

**Thanks as always to my plot bunnies, yes I stole your word miz . . . as always, they are Miztrezboo and bemylullaby, and MV Cullen. They are holder of hands and calmer of nerves and I heart them all hard.**

**Thank you again for all of the alerts and faves and of course the reviews. You guys really have been making this an amazing experience for me, and as always, reviews with have sneak peeks in the reply. As will the forum, only on Sunday this time, feel free to drop by and play, there's a link on my profile.**

**Thanks again!  
Much love ~ big hugz  
Weezy**


	15. Incomprehensible Kindness

_**All things Twilight belong to the Amazing Stephenie Meyer. Happy TeeGut Tuesday :)**_

* * *

**Incomprehensible Kindness**

_Can't close my eyes_  
_ They're wide awake_  
_ Every hair on my body_  
_ has got a thing for this place_  
_ Oh empty my heart_  
_ I've got to make room for this feeling_  
_ so much bigger than me_  
_ It couldn't be any more beautiful - I can't take it in.  
**Can't Take it in - Imogen Heap**_

_**

* * *

**_I woke up wrapped in Jasper's arms, my back warm and sweaty against his skin. We'd somehow managed to make it to his bed last night. I was still completely naked in his arms, but there wasn't an ounce of embarrassment. What we'd done, what I'd experienced with him, was just another way of getting closer to one another.

Jasper's warm breath was still fanning out over my naked skin in an even pattern so I knew I hadn't disturbed him when I stirred. I felt strangely rested, and completely satisfied. I could smell the faint hint of chlorine in my hair, and my skin still had that dry tight feeling from swimming and not showering afterward.

Not wanting to wake him, I laid in his arms, my back still to his chest, his arm casually draped over my shoulder. I let my mind wander back to last night. Jasper had been amazing, he taught me as we moved together. After that first time, the pain was a distant memory and the only thing that consumed me was the rapturous pleasure.

We'd only made love twice, but I could feel a hunger for it growing within me. As corny as it sounded, it connected us on a deeper level. I felt closer to him, closer than I had to anybody else I had ever known. As much as that terrified me, I didn't feel the need to run from it, I was compelled to embrace it, hold it to me and savor it for as long as I could.

I let my eyes slide closed as the heat of his body enveloped me. I sunk into his embrace and enjoyed the silence of the morning. It was Christmas day, and I couldn't have asked for a better present from anybody. He'd given me something so much more profound than a token of his thoughtfulness. I had never really been a materialistic person, and my predicament really only seemed to strengthen that.

Thoughts and images swirled in my head as the gray light of the morning made my vision pink behind my eyelids. I concentrated on the heat that surrounded me, Jasper's body heat, and I sunk further into my unconscious mind.

I was on the brink of sleep again when I was startled awake by the sound of the Foo Fighters blaring from his phone. Jasper groaned from behind me and I froze in his arms. I didn't know the reasoning behind it, I wasn't embarrassed and I certainly had no regrets. Yet, I didn't relax until I felt his lips brush against my temple as he leaned over me to retrieve his phone.

"Yes, Alice," he asked, rolling onto his side, his voice gravelly and heavy from sleep.

He twisted the phone away from his mouth and leaned in to kiss me on the lips as Alice chattered away in his ear. I was receptive to the kiss, my mouth opening just a small amount to allow him entrance. He was so close I could hear the murmur of Alice's voice through the small phone.

The arm that was still trapped under my head, curved around my neck and his fingers danced along my jaw as he deepened the kiss. I could feel the same fire I'd discovered last night building in my body as he rolled me onto my back, his knee slowly working up the center of my legs.

Both of us moved together in unison as he deepened the kiss, his breath dancing into my mouth as he nibbled on my lip in passing. I was lost in him, lost in the moment as he closed his lips around my now swollen bottom one.

"JASPER," I could hear Alice's voice shouting in the receiver and I pulled away grinning at him, but nodding at the phone all the same. I hated to break away from the kiss, but we were being rude. I could hear the faint hum of Alice's voice as her volume went back down to normal.

"No Alice," Jasper said, rolling on his back. "I was saying good morning to, Bella."

We rolled onto our sides so we faced one another, Jasper's arm was still holding the phone to his ear, but his eyes were on me. His other arm still under my head.

"Alice, it's Christmas day, what the hell . . .?"

He waited patiently after she'd interrupted him and let her talk.

"You're not going to take no for an answer are you?" he asked, rolling his eyes. "Fine, we'll get dressed and head out . . . hold on . . . "

Jasper rolled on top of me with a grin, my back hit the mattress as his lips came dangerously close to mine. He rolled back, now clasping a pen and paper in his hand and winked at me. He scrolled something on the paper.

"Yes, I have it . . . we have to get dressed, Alice . . . yes, fine, see you then."

Jasper shut his phone with an audible snap and threw it and the pen and paper to the end of the bed. He rolled into me again, settling himself between my legs as his hands brushed my hair from my face.

"Morning, Beautiful."

"Good morning," I grinned.

Jasper pulled his arm from behind my neck and followed my arms down to my hands. His fingers interlaced with mine and he kissed the palm before his lips found mine again. Explosions flitted across the back of my eyelids as I lost myself in the moment.

This kiss was deeper and more meaningful that the last. One that felt as though it were going somewhere. I tangled my hands into the hair at the back of his neck and held him to me as he sucked my bottom lip, nibbling it gently.

He freed one of his hands from mine and ventured under the blankets to my naked form, his thumb swept of the rise of my breast, making my back arch in to him.

Then his phone rang again.

"Fuck," he growled pulling away from me and sitting back on his knees so he could grab the phone. I drank in his lean body as he reached for the phone. The muscles in his thighs rippled as his torso flexed with the effort of bending in an unnatural way. My heart exploded full gallop, he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

"We're up, Alice . . . fine, we're getting out of bed," he laughed.

He slammed his phone shut again.

"Now, where were we?" he asked, dropping down onto his hands so he was hovering over my body. His eyes were the same dark shade they'd been last night, the hungry from before evident as his eyes drank me in. I felt a shiver run down my spine and went with it. I kicked my legs around his thighs and pulled him to me.

He kissed my stomach once, his tongue gently circling my navel before venturing lower. My mouth hung open as he continued his expedition south. Every one of my muscles trembled with excitement.

Then the Foo Fighters screamed into the silent room again, and I let out the breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding. Jasper squeezed his eyes closed and pulled away from me again. Frustration colored his cheeks as he blew out, what I assumed, was most of the air in his lungs.

"I'm about to turn the fucking thing off," he growled, flipping it open. "What Alice?"

He sighed then and gave me an apologetic look.

"Merry Christmas, Mom."

He collapsed beside me, his hand closing around his forehead. I could see the exasperation in his tense body, especially when the dark blue of his eyes gave way to the usual corn blue. I nudged him in the side and nodded to the bathroom. It was apparent we weren't getting anywhere this morning.

He looked at me apologetically, but I grinned and mouthed later. He raised his eyebrows in appreciation and smirked at me, he looked adorable.

I crawled out of the bed and stretched before skipping to the bathroom totally in the nude, giggling quietly to myself as I counted yet another first. I was also reveling in the complete unabashed pleasure I had at seeing his eyes narrow at me for my antics when I turned to look at him before closing the door. It was completely liberating, having the freedom to walk around someone with no fear and no shame. I enjoyed this new territory we seemed to be exploring with one another.

I took a long shower, letting the hot water roll over me as I relaxed under it's constant stream. My body ached a little after last nights activities, but it was the good kind of ache, a satisfying ache. My body complained in placed I didn't know existed. When I finally turned off the water as pulled the towel around me, the door to the bedroom opened.

Jasper stepped in hurriedly, his eyes searching for me as he pushed the door closed behind him. I didn't miss the disappointment on his face when he found me either.

"Oh, you're out already," he grumbled, stepping forward and wrapping his arms around my waist. "Are you sure you didn't miss a spot."

Laughter bubbled in my chest as his lips brushed my neck, and I couldn't help but bury my face into his still naked shoulder. He still smelt like chlorine from the night before. Small flickers replayed in my mind as I stood drinking him in.

When he was out of sight I was fine, my mind working perfectly as I went about my business, but times like now . . . when he was in the room, when he was close to me, I found myself distracted. My thoughts revolved around him and him alone, the rest of the world was forgotten.

Jasper sighed and pulled away.

"We'd better get ready, Alice will kill us if we're not there on time," he pouted, his bottom lip jutting out slightly.

"Where?"

"She wouldn't say, she just gave me an address and told us to get our asses there asap."

I groaned, I couldn't help it. I had a feeling this was what Alice had been doing the past couple of weeks. Her phone would constantly buzz in her purse. A never ending string of ringtones pouring from her Prada. There was so much secrecy. I hadn't thought anything of it at first, I assumed she was going to see Jacob; but then she would start complaining about not seeing him enough. It was perplexing.

Jasper stepped past me, pulling me from my thoughts, and turned on the shower

~o~O~o~

Within the hour, Jasper and I were on the road, headed towards Seattle. Before we left town, Jasper had dropped into the pharmacy to pick up a pill for me to take, and a box of condoms. I didn't ask any questions, but I was sure I knew what the pill was for. We hadn't exactly been smart the night before.

I had never done anything like that before, but I wasn't naive, I'd heard the stories, been through the classes in high school. They seemed to force feed it down your throat so it would permanently be etched into the back of your mind. I'd always told myself I would be more careful than that, now I understood the term lost in the moment.

It hadn't been awkward though. He simply handed me the box, without a word, and I nodded and did what I had to do. The rest of the drive had been spent holding hands, just looking at one another. I had been thinking a lot about what I wanted and how I felt. I knew I wanted to be with Jasper, but I still wouldn't let myself think about _how_ I felt.

We pulled into the ferry station right in time for the next ferry, and I decided to try my luck again. The only words I had really spoken had been nagging for information.

"You sure you don't know what's going on?" I asked again.

Jasper looked over at me and picked up my hand with a small smile.

"I don't know, all she gave me was the address." he laughed, pulling my hand up to kiss the back of it affectionately.

The butterflies in my stomach picked up their previous routine in my stomach. All morning he'd been touching me more than he ever had. While we'd been driving his eyes had constantly darted between me and the road as though I would disappear at any moment. My heart was about to burst with excitement and love . . .

I'd said it . . . love.

That four letter word that changed everything. The thing was, I didn't just love, Jasper, that was too easy, he was an amazing guy. I was falling _in love_ with him.

Love.

I let it repeat in my head, rolling it around and seeing how it fit. Truth was . . . it fit perfectly.

Finally, I let myself embrace the word, and the emotion with everything I had. I loved Jasper, and though I hadn't told him, and knew I probably wouldn't for a while, I knew I would no longer stop myself from thinking it. It filled me completely.

It was undeniable.

Every time he was near, butterflies fluttered in my stomach, every time he touched me, electricity coursed through my body. I was a hopeless cause. I was his, whether he wanted me or not. I loved Jasper Whitlock.

"What are you thinking about so hard?" he chuckled, his eyes on only me as we waited patiently for the ferry.

I felt the blush rise in my cheeks at having been caught in my musings. My body's betrayal guaranteed I couldn't lie about my thoughts. It was obviously something I didn't want him to know.

"Now I'm intrigued," he laughed, the back oh his hands brushing over my warm cheeks. "That's quite the tint of pink in your cheeks Miss Swan."

"I was thinking about last night," I smiled. It wasn't a complete lie, just a partial truth. There was so much more I could have added to it, but that was something I wanted to keep under wraps for a while.

"Oh, yeah?"

Instinctively, my bottom lip became impaled by my teeth. I was so easy to read it was pathetic.

Jasper leaned over the center console of the car, his hand moving to the back of my neck to pull me to him. Our lips met and I lost all coherent thought. My arms wrapped around his neck, my fingers twisting into the dark blond hair at the nape of his neck as I parted my lips.

A horn blaring behind us was the only thing that separated us. Jasper growled as he pulled away, and my lip took up it's permanent residence under my teeth. Jasper threw the car into gear and pulled forward onto the ferry, where he parked and turned off the engine. He let out a long breath before looking over at me with a smile.

"You wanna go raid the vending machines?"

I nodded and hopped out of the car appreciating the fact that I could put something in my stomach that had been constantly reminding me I had skipped breakfast.

We walked around the ferry for the duration of the ride. We watched the fog roll across the sound, just talking quietly amongst ourselves as we waited to dock. Alice had restrained herself and only called once. Well, that was until we docked and started on the road again.

It was almost as though she'd memorized ferry times, she called the minute we got back into the car and every thirty minutes after that asking where we were. Jasper was ready to throw the phone out of the window by the time we rolled into the city. I watched as the familiar sights rolled by the windows, smiling as the needle came into view. It was one of Seattle defining sights. Well, if you didn't count Mt. Rainier.

Still curious about where we were going, I diverted my eyes back to the road. My stomach dropped when we exited the same exit I had told them to take a few weeks ago. Flashbacks of the empty spot under the bridge echoed around my mind, the place where I always knew I could find her, her frail smile, all of it came flooding back.

The reminder was almost too much to take as the familiar city scape passed me by. My heart was in my throat and in my nervous state my leg tapped impatiently on the floorboard. The taste of blood filled my mouth as I chewed the inside of my cheek puncturing the skin. Panic was the only thing I felt, even though I knew I was perfectly safe with Jasper at my side.

Jasper placed his hand on my knee to quiet the steadily increasing tap of my foot. His eyes darted to me briefly as I tried to clutch onto the way he made me feel. It always calmed me down, it was working now, the only difference being it was infinitesimally.

"Babe, you okay?"

I nodded, swallowing the metallic taste of blood that had filled my mouth. Anxiety was screaming NO inside of me. It was irrational, and I still had enough frame of mind to realize _how_ irrational it was. I had nothing to fear. I had lived here for almost two years. Yet, I couldn't stop the trembling of my hands or the incapacitating fear from swallowing me whole.

I hadn't realized Jasper had pulled over until I heard the engine fall into the steady hum as it idled by the curb. The ticking of the hazard lights feeling like a stab in my heart with each circuit.

Jasper pulled my into his arms as he leaned across the console, his hands smoothing my hair down my back. I clung to him like a lifeline as the silent tears rolled down my cheeks. It was too soon to come back here, the wound was still too fresh to pour salt in it like this.

"It's okay, baby, you have to calm down, you're bleeding," he said pulling back and looking at me with confusion etched being his perceptive eyes.

He popped open the glove box and pulled out a small pack of travel tissues. He pulled one out and handed it to me so I could clean myself up. Having his warmth surrounding me had created a dulling effect in my panic. It was still there, still prevalent, but I could breathe.

"Tell me what's going on, speak to me, Bella," he pleaded, his hands brushing my hair from my face as I wiped the tissue across my mouth haphazardly.

"I'm . . . I'm sorry, I just, this place, I . . ."

"Jesus, Bella, I'm sorry I didn't think, I should have known it would effect you."

"No." I hung my head and looked into my lap, finding it easier to talk to my hands. "I'm overreacting, I'm sorry, I just didn't realize that . . ."

His warm hands cupped my cheeks and tipped my head up so he could see me. His thumbs brushed the free flowing tears from my cheeks as he really looked at me again. I didn't know what to say to him, because I couldn't explain my reaction.

"Do you want to leave? Just say the word, and we'll go home right now. You just need to remember that you're safe, and this isn't who you are anymore, I won't let it be, do you understand me?"

I nodded, my eyes prickling with the wet heat of the tears as they filled my eyes again. I drug in a ragged breath. I could do this, I could be strong enough to step foot back here without fear. Nothing could hurt me unless I let it. I was stronger than this, I had been and I would continue to be.

Jasper pulled out his phone, flipping it open. I placed my hand on his and offered him a weak smile. We'd come all the way down here, Alice obviously had something to show us, and I refused to let this beat me.

"I'm fine, really," I whispered. "I just wasn't expecting to come here."

"I don't know what she was thinking, I'm so sorry, Bella."

"No, it's fine, I should be the one to apologize, it was a stupid reaction. It just caught me off guard."

"Let's go see what the hell she wants and go home."

I nodded and forced a smile. I felt stupid.

Jasper gave me one last look before he turned off the hazards and pulled away from the curb, navigating the snow laden streets carefully as he did. I took deep even breaths, trying as hard as I could to stop the emotion from taking control again.

We turned a few more corners, away from the bridge and the memories it held, before we finally found Alice stood leaning into Jacob beside her Yukon. I let out along breath and plastered the most genuine smile on my face.

I had no idea what the hell we were doing here. The building was just an old empty warehouse. The huge windows broken, as the red brick exterior had begun to crumble from the harsh weather over the years. There was nothing around, just this lone dilapidated building.

Alice opened my door before we'd even stopped moving, the excitement was evident in her eyes and cheeks as she pulled opened my door and grinned at me.

"Merry Christmas, Bella."

"Merry Christmas, Alice." I smiled. The uneasy feeling being overshadowed by the warm pink glow of excitement in her cheeks.

Jacob chuckled from behind her and pulled her back. "Let her get out of the car, babe."

"Oh, right."

Alice stepped away from the door, and grinned at me broadly.

"Merry Christmas, Jake," I smiled, feeling the anxiety being pushed further from the forefront of my mind. He smiled and nodded.

I was distracted briefly by the cold blast of wind alerting me to the fact that Jasper had already gotten out of the car, the slamming of the door confirmed it. I unbuckled myself from the car and took the hand that Jasper offered. He pulled me into his side as soon as I was on my feet and kissed the top of my head.

"You feeling better?" he whispered, quiet enough that I was the only one to hear him.

I nodded, but wrapped my arms around his waist anyway. With him being this close it was easy to push away the last of the feeling that had gripped me earlier. He was like a shield against every memory I had of this place and I held onto that, ignoring the familiarity of my surroundings as the cold whipped around us.

"Okay, Alice. We're here. What was so desperate that we needed to drive down to Seattle on Christmas morning?" Jasper asked, rubbing my arms in an attempt to keep me warm with friction.

Alice took a deep breath and stepped backwards towards the building. She stopped, turning around and looking at it, before facing us again with a bright smile on her face.

"I would like to present to you . . . _The Swan Bridge of Hope_."

The Swan Bridge of Hope?

Everything around me seemed to stand still, the sound of the city died out with the ringing in my ears. I could feel the blood pumping around my body as I stared at her blankly. The name repeated in my mind over and over again as the implications of her words sunk in.

The Swan Bridge of Hope.

"Alice?" Jasper said, his arms tightening around me.

Alice beamed as she stepped forward, her tiny hands clasped around mine and pulled me out of Jasper's embrace. She pulled us both towards the building, her fingers squeezing my hands with so much force they started to go numb.

"Well, for that first week after we came down here with you, what I saw really played on my mind. Your words kept echoing through my mind. A vicious cycle. It really didn't seem fair.  
"So, I talked to my mom. She does a lot of charity work, and with her help, I was able to get a charity license. When this place is finished, it will be the Swan Bridge of Hope, a small community of apartments to help the homeless get back on their feet," she said proudly.

I looked at Jasper who looked just as shocked as I did. I felt the shivers, that had nothing to do with the cold, run through my body. More tears prickled behind my eyes, but this time it was a completely different emotion.

"Each resident will be required to take drug tests regularly, there will be rules, and there will be a doctor on site every Wednesday to help those who are unable, get back on their feet. There will be advisers for job placement, people to help them find a place to live once their on their feet, there'll be so much for them all. Each and every thing helping them get back into society."

I threw my arms around Alice's neck, sending her stumbling back a couple paces. She giggled at my reaction, clinging to me tightly as I cried into her shoulder. How could anyone have a heart as big as this, do something so amazing all because of someone they'd known only a month? This couldn't be real, I had to be dreaming.

"You really like it?" Alice asked timidly.

"I love it, Alice. It's amazing, how, what, why?" I asked as I stepped back. Wiping the tears from under my eyes.

Jasper enveloped me in his arms, pulling my back against his chest. His lips brushed the crown of my head before his chin came to rest on my shoulder. I was feeling overwhelmed, every part of my body was buzzing with excitement and awe. Countless names of the people I'd met on the streets filled my head, as I looked up at the building with new eyes.

It wasn't just a dilapidated building, it was a symbol of hope. A shelter for people who needed that ounce of kindness to point them in the right direction. It wouldn't just help people, it would save lives, no more deaths on park benches or under bridges. This was going to be the life line, this was going to be proof that things could change if people were really given a chance.

Alice was going to singled handedly change the lives of so many people.

Alice's smile was bright, the tears in her eyes shone as she drank in my reaction. I didn't know what to say that would explain how I felt, or how much this meant to me. Yet, she hadn't taken credit for this, it was my name that was going to be displayed on the outside of this building. Charlie's name.

"Alice, I don't know what to say," I cried.

Alice giggled and picked up my hand again. "You don't need to say anything, Bella. Someone needed to do something, you opened my eyes, you made me see exactly whats been going on under our noses as we look the other way."

I pulled her into me, and wrapped my arms around her again, Jasper echoing my movements.

I was still buzzing from excitement as we drove home. I wanted to stay longer and just look at the place with awe, but Alice had to pick her brother and their friends up from the airport, something Jacob still wasn't exactly happy about.

When Jasper finally pulled up in the driveway, I was exhausted from the filled morning. I still couldn't believe Alice had done something like that. I had never expected her to do anything, it wasn't her problem to deal with; but knowing my situation had inspired her made me feel useful for once. I felt as though maybe I had a purpose.

John would have somewhere safe and warm to live, the people I had seen everyday, struggling to get by, would be given a chance.

"Bella?" Jasper said, his warm smile pulling me from my inner musings.

"Jasper, I'm sorry," I laughed. I had effectively ignored him for the last half of the drive. Since the ferry had docked I had been stuck in my own thoughts.

"Don't be silly, I know it's a lot to take in."

"It is, it really is," I sighed.

"You look so happy," he said, thoughtfully.

"I am, I was just thinking about John and the others having somewhere warm to stay, having a real chance at getting somewhere. It's just so . . . amazing. I mean, I can't believe she did that."

"Alice does things like that. It's who she is," he laughed.

He opened the door and the cool wind that was whistling through the garage stung my cheeks, effectively waking me up. I pushed my door open and stepped out. Jasper met me by the garage doors, his long arms wrapping around my waist and holding me to him. I liked being in his arms like this, I liked him being this close where I could smell his now familiar musk.

"How about we make some lunch, and watch a movie?" he asked into my hair, his arms squeezing gently.

I nodded, unwilling to break the warm embrace we were currently sharing.

"Maybe I could cash in that I O U."

I smiled against his shoulder, nodding again.

* * *

**A/N: Another double posting, because I just couldn't help myself . . . and well, you'll see. I hope this isn't too much, but it was one of the premises of this story that stayed the same during my umming and ahhing about whether to write this story.**

**Thanks to the usual suspects, Miztrezboo, bemylullaby, and MV Cullen. Miz and Lullaby's fics have links on my profile. They are both amazing writers, I would definitely suggest reading their fics.**

**The Fellatiators also have a new contest coming up soon, so keep your eyes peels for that. It's going to be fun. Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy. Details will be up soon. If you have me on alert you should get a chapter alert for Competitions.**

**Thank you for all the alerts and faves. A huge thank you to all of you who reviewed. Each and every one of you are amazing and you always have the most amazing things to say :).**

**Review replies will have sneak peeks attached as always. On Thursdays, over at the fornication station blog there will be more teasers, and then Friday on the Forum. Both have links on my profile.**

**Much love and huge hugz ~Weezy~**


	16. Gratuitous

_**All things Twilight belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer.**_

_Again we have a lemon, hence the title. You won't miss anything if you don't read it, the story will progress the next chapter._

* * *

**Gratuitous**

_In the first place_  
_I want to taste the taste of_  
_Being face to face with common grace_  
_To meditate on the warmest dream_  
_And when I walk alone I listen_  
_To our secret theme  
**The Velvet Glove - Red Hot Chili Peppers**_

_

* * *

_We tried watching a movie, but sitting cuddled up on the couch did nothing but fuel the need to touch one another. We would stare at each other rather than watching the television, our eyes transfixed on nothing but the body next to us as the sexual tension built around us.

Jasper's arm would be casually draped across my shoulder his fingers digging into the flesh of my forearm, seemingly innocently. Unfortunately, my mind would run away with me, filling me with the longing need for him. My body found ways to get closer to him, my hand oh so innocently brushing along his denim encased thigh, causing him to stir and catch my lips with his.

The kissing was never simply that. I would end up straddling his lap, or on my back on the couch as his fingers worked along the seam of my jeans, my back arching in pleasure and my moans stirred us both from our lust encased bubble.

Before we'd even reached the halfway point of the movie, I gave up on it. Trying to prove to ourselves that we could sit in each others company without needing that raw passion, was thrown out of the window. We both realized that this new level of intimacy left us hungry for one another, it was like an urge, a subconscious nagging that wouldn't go away until we satiated it.

I was snuggled into his side, my eyes on his chest rising and falling as I experimented with my hands. My fingers dusting patterns over his leg as my hand moved further up his thigh.

"Bella," he warned, his voice gravelly, filled with the implications that were already coursing through my veins. I knew what I wanted, I'd already given up on watching the movie currently playing.

"Mmm," I hummed, attempting to be coy.

"You're killing me."

"Oh, sorry, is that annoying?" I asked innocently.

Jasper growled under his breath, his breathing kicked up a notch leaving his chest rising and falling that little bit harder letting me know my plan was working. I let the palm of my hand flatten out on his thigh as if I were giving up the movement, but I was a long way from giving up. The fun was only just beginning.

I flexed the muscles in my hand effectively squeezing the flesh beneath it. I was enjoying testing my boundaries. I enjoyed knowing that I could effect him just the way he effected me.

"Damn you," he growled suddenly, jumping up from the couch. His hand caught mine as he stood and he pulled me up with him, so quickly, I crashed into his chest with a thud. His hands cupped my ass as he bent down to kiss me, and as soon as his lips touched mine, I knew there wasn't going to be an ounce of restraint on my part. I parted my lips instantly allowing him to slip his tongue into the warm depths of my mouth.

There was a heated need as we stood there, our bodies twisted around one another, as our kiss reached a new level of intimacy. I moaned into his mouth as his hands clenched the flesh of my ass. Jasper released them quickly, his hands traveling down to my thighs. Just above my knees, he gripped with both hands and pulled me up his body. My ankles locked around his waist as his hands released my thighs and his arms wrapped around my body as he started walking slowly towards the bed.

My stomach clenched with excitement and I ground my hips against him to get some friction against my heated folds. The need for him was building within me and I could feel his excitement pressing against my inner thigh through its denim barrier.

It didn't take him long to maneuver us to the bed, he weaved through the furniture as his lips stayed locked with mine. I could feel his finger flexing against my flesh as I hungrily deepened the kiss. Jasper pulled his lips away from mine, his eyes on fire as mine flickered open to meet them.

His knee hit the bed soundly and he bend forward slowly, I saw the hint of mischief behind his eyes as his lips curled into his perfect smile. His hands cupped around my thighs squeezing them so I would let go of him. I relinquished the grip I had on his shoulders, unlocking my ankles from behind him.

He threw me to the bed in one swift movement, my body bounced on the mattress as surprise popped my mouth open.

"You just dropped me."

"Yes, I did," he teased, pushing the leg that I tried to nudge him with away. "But it was a soft surface, and it'll make it so much easier to do what I'm about to do."

"And what are you about to do?"

His hands landed on either side of my hips as he bent forward slowly. His eyes kept locked with mine as he lowered himself towards me. My chest was rising and falling in quick spurts as I anticipated what was coming next.

He raised his right hand slowly, brushing the scattered strands of hair from my face and shoulders from the impact of my landing. His fingers, with a featherlight touch, moved down over my cheek to my lips. The pad of his thumb brushed over my bottom lip slowly. I couldn't help but open my mouth slowly.

With a painfully slow movement, Jasper lowered his lips to meet mine, his thumb moving slowly to my chin to keep me still. He didn't attack me with the ravenous hunger of our previous kiss. His lips slowly closed over my swollen bottom lip, pulling it into his mouth as he sucked and nibbled on it gently.

Something seemingly innocent, made my heart flutter and my stomach explode into a million butterflies. I could honestly say I ached for him. Every part of me tingled as his lips grazed the tender skin of my lips.

Jasper's fingers continued their path from their place on my chin, dancing lithely over my throat and down over my chest. They skimmed the valley between my breasts and stopped only when they reached the zipper to my gray hoodie. He pushed the zipper slowly down over my stomach until it reached the small metallic cradle at the bottom. He tugged once, freeing the two sides from their union on my stomach, his hands pushed the material back over my hips until it fell to the side of me.

My breath stuttered in my chest when his hand ventured under the t-shirt I was wearing below it.

While rubbing my thighs together, creating the friction I so desperately needed, I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him into a deep kiss. My back arched as his fingers ghosted over my ribs towards my breasts.

Jasper used my new position to his advantage, slipping his hands behind my back as his hands fanned out to cover as much skin as he possibly could. He pulled me up towards him as he rolled back onto his feet, his hands unclasped the simple white cotton bra I was wearing as he pulled his lips away from from mine.

His eyes were the same dark blue I had memorized from last night, his hands moved from my back, pulling out from under the t-shirt so he could push the gray material from my shoulders. It fell to the bed slowly, sliding down my arms, the coarse material on my sensitive skin made me shiver as I pressed my lips to Jasper's throat.

Pulling the sweater completely from my body, he tossed it from the side of the bed with ease. His hand immediately moved to the hem of my t-shirt. I sighed as his hands ran across my back gently pushing the material upwards. My hands fumbled to the edge of his sweater, my fingers shook as I curled them around the material. I refused to be the only one getting undressed here.

Our hands worked in unison, his on the bare skin of my back, while mine ran over the top of his shirt. both of us moved together, raising our arms so the other could remove the offending material to get to the newly revealed layer. My fingers worked the buttons of his shirt quickly as his hands drew pattern on my skin and his gentle lips brushed across the bare skin on my shoulder.

As soon as the buttons were released, I pushed the shirt from his shoulders, disappointed to find a plain white t-shirt below it, I would have cursed Washington and the temperatures that guaranteed the layers we wore, but I was having fun. I hadn't stopped to enjoy the moment last night, my nervousness had been eating me alive. Tonight, I was drinking it all in, taking my time and enjoying every second of it.

I let my hands travel under the simple shirt keeping me from his perfect body. I let my hands travel over the plains of his stomach, over the deep ridges of his muscles. I couldn't stop the sigh that followed. The perfection of his body seemed to create another wave of explosive tremors to rock through my body. My hands pushed the material away as my eyes drank in his form.

He was beautiful, every inch of him was pale perfection. I pulled the shirt up and over his head, letting my bra drop to the floor as I discarded it from the side of the bed. We stared at one another, our hands barely touching the other as our eyes memorized the lines and curves of the others body.

"You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," Jasper whispered, his palms closing around my breasts. His hands flexed around the flesh, his thumb brushing across the taut bud. I hooked my hand around his neck. My mouth brushed along his Adam's apple up the side of his jaw, my lips followed the natural line down to his shoulder.

His free hand tangled into my hair as he pulled my head back. I used the new position to my advantage, my lips crashed against his with unnecessary roughness. The skin of his chest on mine sent my mind spiraling. I needed him, I wanted him, and I couldn't seem to get enough of him.

Jasper pushed me to the bed quickly, I bounced again, my hands coming together over my head as my body clenched in one big roll of excitement. It hadn't escaped Jasper's attention either. His eyes lit up with pleasure as one of his hands wrapped around the two above my head, holding me in place.

His mouth came down quickly on my chest as his free hand moved to my waist where his hands unbuckled my belt quickly.

I couldn't struggle against him, mainly because I didn't want to, I didn't know where this dominating side was coming from, but I was quite enjoying it. His fingers hooked into the leather and pulled them apart from one another, the buckles clanged loudly as his hands moved quickly to the button below it. I sucked in my breath, trying to free my hands so I could touch him. His lean frame leaned over me, moving further down over my stomach as his nimble fingers worked the zipper.

When it was fully open, he teased the skin as his fingers pushed the material apart. My stomach trembled as his lips attacked the small v of skin visible from space he'd accessed with the zipper. His tongue flicked the skin there as his lips came down gently making my skin ignite.

Deliberately, his lips moved from the middle of my waist out to my hips as his hand rubbed along the seam that lay over my heated sex. His finger pushed in roughly against the material creating a friction that made my hips rock below him as he moved over me. I couldn't believe he was teasing me when I was the one that started this game.

"Jasper," I sang, writhing under the grip of his hands on mine.

His eyes flickered open and appraised me above him, the soft blue once again giving way to the dark. His finger rubbed with a little more fury between my thighs creating a white heat in the one place I wanted him the most. My underwear was steadily becoming damp with the frustration that was now flowing through my blood, the excitement that gripped my heart and the heat that consumed me.

"I want to touch you," I whispered, pushing against the hand he was using as a manacle.

His kiss moved up my body slowly, his hand not releasing mine, but his other stopped tormenting the white hot heat between my thighs. He used it as he leaned over me. He brought his lips close to mine, until he was hovering above me, teasing me.

I lifted my head to meet his but he moved quickly, jerking his head out of range with a small smirk.

"Do you trust me, Bella?"

"You know I do," I breathed, my hips bucking from the bed trying to find any kind of release.

He smiled from the corner of his mouth, the edge curling as steadied himself on his knees between my legs. He sat up, releasing both of my hands, but moved his to my hips. He peeled the material away from my skin slowly, his eyes always on the prize.

The edge of my cotton boy shorts began to show, the black polka dots growing ever evident under the delicate black lace trim. I blushed as I remembered picking them out this morning with this very scenario in mind.

I lifted my hips from the bed, knowing exactly what he wanted.

Jasper pushed his hands under the black fabric, his palms running their warmth over my skin as he pushed the material down over the ample mound of my ass, he moved slowly his hands gently caressing the skin as he worked the material lower.

I couldn't stop my legs from shaking in the excitement. My whole body trembled as he took his time. I wanted to push him away and rip the pants from my legs, but he'd asked me to trust him. I would have to trust that he would have mercy on the piercing ache I was now suffering.

I lowered my ass to the bed as soon as the material rode to my thighs. He was meticulously working them down my legs and it was driving me insane. His hands worshipped every inch of newly exposed skin, his lips brushed along my inner thighs and the small delicate flesh that covered the joint between my hip and my thigh, he moved his lips down my leg with his touch kissing the side of my knees as his fingers brushed gently along the back of them.

I found my hands traveling over my stomach as he worked his way lower. My fingers ran along the lace band of my underwear. I had never had an inclination like this before, but I needed something to happen. His eyes flickered to me as he caught my movement and he shook his head. "Mine."

I was about to melt like snow on a sunny day. The boy was killing me.

My fingers lifted from my stomach and tangled into my hair in frustration. After one night, I was starting to crave him, and I was starting to let my primal instincts push me towards what I needed.

Then, he pulled off my chucks slowly, peeling the socks off afterward. I couldn't help the giggle that built in my chest. His face had wrinkled at both.

His fingers hooked into the bottom hem of the black pants and tugged on them gently, the material slid soundly down my legs, releasing me from their binds. I wrapped my legs around his waist, locking my ankles behind him, and grinned at him, happy that the torture was finally over.

"You should walk around like that, all the time."

"Shut up," I giggled, letting my arms cover my chest as the blush rose slowly to my cheeks.

Jasper slipped off the edge of his bed to his knees. His long arms reached forward and his hands gripped my hips tightly.

"What . . ."

I couldn't help the squeal that escaped when he pulled me down the bed towards him, his lips skimmed the inside of my leg as he pulled me down. My body ruptured into a ball of flames as his breath washed over my heat. My head slammed into the bed and my fingers gripped the hair at my temples. Long forgetting my moment of bashfulness.

"Jasper," I mewed quietly. My breathing picking up in my chest.

"Trust me."

"Okay," I squeaked, my head lolling to the side as his fingers hooked under the cotton of my underwear.

It wasn't as torturous as the last time, but it was still slow. He pulled the material down my legs, over my knees until they simply fell to the ground, exposing me to him completely. I closed my knees together, but his hands caught them, stopping them in their tracks.

"No hiding, babe." He winked.

He shuffled himself forward on his knees until he was wedged between my thighs. His arms wrapped around my waist as his lips brushed my stomach, he placed his head on my heart and just listened as it pounded against it's natural restraints.

He kissed down my stomach again, down over the small stomach I had developed since I 'd been here, down over my hips, my thighs. His tongue led a damp trail to my inner thigh, once again driving my insane.

His warm lips pressed gently against my folds sending shocks to every one of my limbs. The pleasure of the soft skin against my damp flesh made my body quiver in anticipation. I stuttered a breath as his tongue snaked between the fleshy lips, searching out the small bundle of nerves he'd already used to his advantage.

He found it quickly, his lips closing around the nub of nerves as his tongue circled and flicked around it, I could feel the pressure as he sucked against the skin. My hips rose naturally, pushing myself further towards him as the pleasure took control of me.

"God, Jasper," I mumbled. The heels of my hands pressed against my temples from the torturous pleasure, as my feet fought to find purchase on his bare back.

I had never felt anything like this in my life before. The sensation of his warm lips against my most intimate self, the warm air from his nose against my damp folds as his fingers stroked the sensitive skin made me feel like a time bomb with only seconds left to detonation.

He hummed against me, sending shock waves through my body. I moaned, loudly, my back arching from the bed as he continuously nibbled and flicked. I hummed quietly as his fingers circled my heated entrance, plunging in deeply, curling against the walls of my inner self.

The pleasure took over my body as he worked in tandem, the ache, the rapture all rolled around inside of me, making my emotions jumbled. My reaction was irrational, but I could feel the tears sliding down my cheeks, the warm saltiness pooling in my hairline as I called out in ecstasy.

I called out Jasper's name as every part of my body tensed around him, the white lights took over my vision, forcing my eyes closed as the waves of euphoria course through my blood. I was panting heavily, my breaths ragged burning my lungs.

Jasper crawled up my body slowly, his eyes wide as he finally caught sight of my tears. His thumb brushed away the dampness as his hands held my face. His expression was serious as concern furrowed his brow.

"Did I hurt you?"

"No," I smiled, fighting to catch my breath.

"Then what's this?" he asked, his hands brushing some of the hair sticking to my cheeks back out of my face.

I ran my fingers down his sides. "Happiness."

He chuckled once, kissing the tracks of my tears lightly, his nose brushing along my cheek. His arms were wrapped tightly around me as he lay over me. I slid my hands further down his body slipping between us and tangled in his belt as I fought to open it. I was fumbling trying as hard as I could to loosen it. I could feel the blush on my cheeks, and tried to ignore my heart hammering against my chest.

I finally got it freed and made my way to his button and fly, I pushed down the denim with forceful precision, paying close attention to my goal as I worked. I rolled my naked form on top of him, my feet pushing his jeans down his legs. His eyes drank in my body as I settled against his thighs. I noticed his hands running over my skin as his breathing picked up.

Knowing I seemingly had the same affect on him as he had on me, made my head swirl with excitement. I felt brave and, although I had never touched a drug in my life, I felt high.

My hand slid into the small opening of his boxers, my breath hitched in my throat as my fingers slid along his shaft. I had never been this brazen, I had never done anything close to this in my life. With Jasper though, I was comfortable, I knew he was patient and kind, that he would guide me as best he could in the moment.

I could feel his legs moving below me as he worked to kick his jeans the rest of the way off. I knew I should help him, but his hardened member had my undivided attention. It filled my entire hand as I pumped him slowly, my thumb instinctively brushed over the head of him as I moved my hand gently.

I wasn't surprised when Jasper's hand closed around mine, guiding me to a faster pace. I was, for lack of a better term, winging it. This was all still so new to me. Jasper's heavily hooded eyes caught mine and he smiled encouragingly. I knew what I wanted to try, but I was even less sure of that than what I was doing now.

I heard his jeans fall to the ground with a defined thud, his belt cracking on the wooden floor. My hands stopped the sweeping movement up and down his erection and moved to the elastic waist of his boxers. I guided the material carefully over him and down to his thighs.

I mentally calmed myself as I shifted my body down his legs, keeping my eyes on his as I moved down pulling the material with me. I worked them slowly down his legs, picture of calm on the outside. Internally, I was freaking out, but I tried to think of anything else at all. This was getting me nowhere.

I looked up at him, my eyes traveling slowly to his towering erection. It was intimidating, thick and long, but beautiful as it waited for my next move. I moved to my stomach as slowly as I could, still intimidated by the one thing breaking our line of sight.

I kissed the head as I lowered myself to him, I heard Jasper's sharp intake of breath and looked up at him curiously. I could see the smile playing on his lips as his breathing picked up. His chest rose and fell with more fervor as I let my tongue experiment with the smooth head. I ran it down the smooth sensitive skin of his shaft as I watched his reaction.

Jasper's eyes closed as I moved along his length, his stomach quivered as I blew cool breath along the tip. His fingers dug into the sheets below him. I took a chance, swirling my tongue around the head as I slowly took him in my mouth. His hips bucked a little under me as he groaned in pleasure. Small gasps of air escaping his chest as I moved my mouth further down him. My tongue flicked and ran along his length as I took him deeply into my mouth before pulling back gently.

With each dip, I tried to take him deeper into my mouth, his fingers weaved into my hair guiding me as I moved up and down his length. My tongue twirled around the head with each pass, and I hummed as I worked more of him into my mouth. His hands stayed interlaced with my hair as his hips bucked gently below me.

I moved down his length again with more determination, my hand gently stroking what wouldn't fit in my mouth. He pushed down on me gently as his hips bucked from below. I felt him hit the back of my throat bringing another set of tears to my eyes as he writhed and moaned below me. His evident excitement was exhilarating, it turned me on. Setting off a chain reaction rolling through my body, I groaned again, unable to help myself.

"Oh fuck, Bella." he moaned as I pulled back from him gently.

My whole body trembled over him as my breaths came laboriously. The darkness of his eyes held me captive as I kissed the tip of him again. I couldn't seem to help myself, knowing that I was the one that made him look so utterly satisfied made my need for him grow.

Jasper curled his fingers lazily calling me to him and I had no power against him, I had no will to even tease him anymore. I loved him, I loved him with everything I was, everything I had, everything I could be. I was his, there was never any way I could fight that.

He pushed up from the bed, meeting me halfway, his eyes full of something I couldn't read. Yet it screamed satisfaction, lust and desire.

He pulled me into his arms and rolled over me on the bed, his trembling body hovering over mine as he kept my eyes locked with his. I could have said what I was feeling in that one moment and completely meant it, but I didn't want to ruin the moment. My greed and need to feel him inside of me was too great as the arousal overcame me.

He kissed me tenderly on the lips, his hands brushing through my hair as his nose brushed against mine. There was more affection in that one gesture than I'd experienced in my entire life.

"I need you," I whimpered pathetically. It wasn't a lie, and it was all I could offer him right now. If I couldn't tell him how I felt, I knew I had to show him.

He nodded once, rocking back on his legs to reach his nightstand. I knew what he was doing, he was making up for our little lapse in judgment last night. I welcomed it, I just needed the feeling of being full, of having the most intimate connection with him as I could. I needed him.

He came back to me quickly, his body hovering over mine as he caught my eyes. Unspoken words seemed to dance on both our lips as we stared at one another. Then he rocked forward, his eyes closing as he slid into the depths of me.

I moaned loudly, my hips bucking up to meet each of his thrusts as he moved above me. His forehead dropped to my shoulder as he drove into me, speeding up the tempo. As his breath brushed across my body, I could feel the now familiar sparks raging inside my body.

We rocked together in unison, building up to what I knew would be the most intense orgasm I would have, intense because it was us, intense because it was him, intense because I loved him with every ounce of my body, heart and soul.

My mind soared as the waves of pure joy ebbed through my body. My fingertips numbed with the feeling as it moved through me, my hips rocked up to meet his as he continued to thrust into me. I chanted his name, unable to even remember my own as the pleasure ate me alive.

I felt the tension roll through the muscles of his body as my joy rolled into another. His body became rigid against mine as he throbbed within me. I bit my tongue as my walls clamped down around him, milking him for everything he had.

I shivered as I locked my legs around him holding him to me. His lips brushed along my collar bone, as he caught his breath. He rolled us onto our side, his chest heaving in pants as I tried to keep the tears of joy locked within me. I knew we would have to move apart soon, but the perfection of the moment held me there. Not moving, barely breathing, smitten and completely head over heels with the man in who's arms I was laying.

"Let me go take care of this, baby," he whispered gently, with a kiss to the temple.

I nodded once, exhausted from the emotion roller coaster and the physical intimacy we'd just shared. My eyes slid closed as I waited patiently for him to come to me. I had grown so co-dependent on the man, I couldn't sleep more than a foot away from him.

He slid into bed behind me and kissed my shoulder, and my neck as he held me tightly. In his arms, I was safe. In his arms, I was home, always home.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry I am posting later than usual today, I had to rework most of this chapter. When I re read it it was awful so I changed a couple things so it flowed a little better.**

**I would like to thank my sister, Rachael who is, as I am typing this, looking over the chapter for me.**

**To my plot bunnies, miztrezboo and bemylullaby. You two rock, if you haven't checked out their fics, you really should they're awesome. Links are on my profile.**

**Keep an eye out for the Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy fic contest coming soon from the fellatiators. I will post the details on my profile. The blog should have all the details too. Linkage on my profile.**

**Thank you for all the alerts and faves, and thank you so much to all of you that have reviewed. You are all amazing. Your words are inspiring and I adore you all. Thank you.**

**Much love and big hugz ~ Weezy ~**


	17. Invasion of the Socialites

_**All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer. **_

* * *

**Invasion of the Socialites**

_We all begin with good intent  
Love was raw and young  
We believed that we could change ourselves  
The past could be undone  
But we carry on our backs the burden  
Time always reveals  
The lonely light of morning  
The wound that would not heal  
It's the bitter taste of losing everything  
That I have held so dear._  
**Fallen - Sarah McLachlan  


* * *

  
**

I woke up suddenly, but it wasn't the usual kind of waking up, it wasn't natural. Especially after last night. I was exhausted. Blissfully happy but exhausted. The night of lovemaking had been more intense than the night before, both of us had collapsed into the bed, our breathing labored our bodies sweaty. I couldn't stop the smile creeping on my face as I remembered.

I laid completely still in the bed, listening for signs of what had disturbed me. It had to be something. It was one of those things that your intuition seemed to pick up, even in the half asleep state I was in.

Footfalls outside of the door startled me as I listened, they were heavy but quiet, but in the silent house they echoed throughout the halls with resounding precision. I knew it, I knew I heard something. I had a couple of moments of indecision before I made up my mind. What were you supposed to do in this situation? Run and hide? No, whoever it was, was too close for that option.

I slid deeper under the blankets, hoping that I was invisible. My body was flush against Jasper's. I tried going through my mind, would Alice walk in unannounced? No, and she wouldn't sound quite so heavy either. My next immediate thought, was that Jasper's parents had returned from their vacation. This thought should have eased my anxiety, but my heart pounded violently in my chest as the footsteps grew louder.

Jasper's arms tightened under my chest and pulled me into him.

"Jasper?" I whispered, hoping he had woken up.

There was no answer except the return of his rhythmic breathing, leaving me to ponder whether to wake him up or not. Before I could make a decision, I heard the slight squeak of the hinges as the door of his bedroom was pushed open slowly. I froze, barely breathing as the footfalls entered the room. My heart was now pounding so hard it felt as though it was located in my throat.

"Jazz?" The deep voice asked. It sounded too young to be one of his parents, but I was still hesitant about moving. I didn't know who this was, and although he seemed to know Jasper, I was still indescribably nervous. How the hell did he get in here?

The footfalls grew closer to the bed, and my body trembled nervously under Jasper's arm. I was in a complete state of undress and I had no idea what this person was going to do. I tried squeezing Jasper's fingers without moving too much. My hand inched up to his, but whoever was in the room saw the movement.

"Shit, I do this every fucking time. Sorry, Lauren. I thought you were in Aspen."

Lauren?

Who the hell was Lauren?

Fear dissolved into curiosity. Curiosity led to valiance. I shifted slowly beneath Jasper's arm, now determined not to disturb him. Whoever was in the room knew something I wasn't aware of, something that made my stomach roll with nausea. Do this every time? What the hell did that mean?

I slid my body up slowly until I had enough room to pull the comforter down so I could see the stranger. My fingers curled around the material gripping it with everything I had as I willed this to be a misunderstanding. Would Jasper lie to me? Would he leave out something that significant?

The guy stood at the end of the bed was huge. His tall frame held muscles that could be seen stretching against the material of his NYU sweatshirt. His black curly hair was damp from the predictable Forks weather and fell around framing his handsome face.

"You're not, Lauren."

"It would seem that way," I whispered. "Who are you?"

"Emmett McCarty, who are you?" he asked, raising his chin to me, indicating I should introduce myself.

"Bella." That's all he was getting from me.

"Uh, well I . . ."

"Who's Lauren?"

"Nobody?" he said innocently, his blue eyes wide.

"Emmett, really, it doesn't make a difference," I lied.

Emmett stood awkwardly at the end of the bed, his arm raised as he brushed the back of his neck in discomfort. He looked down at his feet as he contemplated on whether or not to tell me. I could easily shake Jasper awake and demand to know, but there was no guarantee I could hold my temper back  
that long.

"Emmett?"

"Jasper's girlfriend."

Jasper's girlfriend!

My blood ran cold through my veins making me shiver once. I slid towards the edge of the bed, my eyes on Emmett. I was trying to remember to breathe, to stay calm, to move slowly. I moved until I felt Jasper's arm fall to the bed with a subtle thud behind me.

"Emmett, do you think you could turn around for a minute please?" I whispered, my voice shaking with the betrayal I felt moving through my body and stabbing my heart with painful accuracy. My limbs felt numb and my head spun making me feel dizzy, but I kept my face as a calm mask.

Emmett nodded quickly and turned his back to me, his head dropping into his hands as he waited patiently for me to move. I pulled the comforter around me and stepped off the bed, unsurprised at my own body's desertion as I wobbled on my own two feet.

I pressed my fingers into the bed lightly to stabilize myself before dashing towards the bathroom as quickly as I could without tripping over the comforter. That would be just my luck. I slid into the bathroom and turned to close the door, my eyes finding the sleeping form of Jasper, defined by only the sheet laying across his body.

Pain pierced my heart. In all of his perfection, in his sleeping innocence, I couldn't be angry at him. I loved him, whether I wanted it or not. I loved him, and yet he wasn't mine, he was never mine. All of these weeks I had been wrapped up in this disillusion quite happily, not once considering how all of this would end. I knew he was out of my league, I knew he was untouchable, yet I still followed him around like a lap dog, willing to do his bidding. I was pathetic.

His hand started searching the bed where I had been laying, and my heart cracked silently in my chest. It was all a lie, all of this, all of this with him had been a lie. I was simply something to occupy his time while his girlfriend was in Aspen.

My heart lurched in my chest, and I fought the audible sob. The hand holding the door moved to my mouth as if that could keep the sound enclosed in my chest. I bit my lower lip, pushing the door closed twisting the small lock on the handle. He couldn't come in here while I was breaking down. I couldn't let him see how much this was killing me.

I stumbled to the closet where the door there was stood open. I was met with Jasper's eyes, clearly filled with confusion as he read my face. My eyes flickered to Emmett and back to him in one sweeping glance. I needed to see his reaction, I needed to see him put the pieces together.

He followed my gaze, Emmett was stood at the end of the bed looking remorseful. His eyes wide with his unspoken apology. I had asked who the hell he was talking about, I was the one that put him in this awkward position. He didn't deserve that.

Jasper clutched the sheet around his waist and darted from the bed toward the closet. Determination filled his features as he stumbled on the long tail of the sheets. I couldn't do this, I couldn't listen to his lies. I pushed the door closed quickly and twisted the lock closed, sliding down the cool wood into a lump at the bottom.

Everything I had felt in the last couple of weeks was all a build up to this one moment, it all led up to me being emotionally locked out in the cold. I should have known it would crash down around me. I should have known that it was all too good to be true. Everything had been a lie, everything had been leading up to fate laughing in my face again.

Death may not have taken this love from me, but it hurt none the less. Knowing he was stood in the room next to me gave me no comfort. I clutched the thick blanket around me and pulled my knees to my chest, hoping I could muffle the subtle crack of the one thing I had to give to him, that unbeknown to him, I had given him. The one thing he threw back in my face.

"Bella, baby, open the door."

Baby? Childishly, I placed my hands over my ears, trying with everything I possessed to block his voice, I had nothing left, he'd taken the last of me and thrown it around like it was worthless. Had I read the signs wrong?

No! I hadn't, last night had been a perfect example. I knew he must have felt the same physical and emotional pull to me. Hadn't he?

"Bella, I can explain," his voice was muffled by the heavy door.

Explain what? That I was simply someone to bide his time with? Wasn't I broken enough? I'd been through enough, I'd lost everyone I'd ever loved.

Anger fused with the pain in my chest making me dash for the bathroom. I dropped the comforter, ignoring my current state of undress as I fell to my knees at the toilet.

My whole body ached as I heaved. My heart, still filling my throat felt disconnected as I slid to the floor, pulling my knees to my chest and let the tears fall freely. Would this hurt so much if I hadn't have let myself fall in love with him? Could I easily have walked away with no emotional burden?

No, because having no attachment to Jasper was never an option. Even with the betrayal he was still the same person, he was still the guy I had fallen in love with. What about Lauren? What had she done to deserve this? Had everything out of his mouth been a lie? What kind of guy would do that?

My body cramped around me and I clutched the toilet, my stomach emptied into a burning pit that easily matched the rest of my body. There were two quiet thumps on the door making me jump and lurch again. Tears fell from my cheeks as I grabbed one of the small towels from the rack, wiping my mouth roughly.

"Will you please talk to me?"

_No_, I didn't answer him out loud. I couldn't.

I flushed the toilet and used the counter to hoist myself up from the floor. The marble was cold under my fingers, and I closed my eyes letting the feeling run through my body. I didn't want to talk to him. What was there to say? I'm sorry, I misunderstood the signs . . . I should have known you couldn't love someone like me . . . it was perfectly normal to think you could use me like this.

There was nothing to say, no way he could explain this and make it right. He was effectively hurting two people all for his own selfish needs. Is that why he'd brought me here? Someone he could use and throw away easily when the time came?

No, I knew he was a good guy, I saw it in everyone around him. The way they spoke about him.

_Stop defending him, Bella_, I reprimanded myself. I had every right in the world to be upset.

I looked into the mirror and faltered when I saw an empty shell of myself staring back at me. My skin was pallid and a sheen of sweat covered my cheeks and forehead. My lips were a strange color, and my red rimmed eyes stood out loudly. I was a mess.

I looked down at my naked body and blanched at the small red spot on my hip. I wasn't sure when it had happened, but I fought the urge to remember. I didn't want to think about last night and the implications behind the emotions I had been feeling.

I pulled my toothbrush from the holder on the marble counter and watched as my hand shook it violently. I should never have let myself think about him like that, I should never have let myself say those three words and cling to it within myself. I did this to myself, I let myself fall into this predicament. I was a grade A fuck up. No wonder everyone left. What was worth staying for?

I picked up the toothpaste and tried to remove the cap with my shaking fingers. Being this useless was just frustrating me more. I threw my toothbrush and the paste into the sink and gripped the counter with both hands. I needed to get a hold of myself. I was stronger than this, I could withstand this, I could live through this.

I could live through anything, I'd already proved that to myself.

I picked up the cause of my previous frustration and tried again. This time, with a steadier hand, I was able to easily twist the cap from the toothpaste.

I brushed my teeth quickly and pulled everything that was considered mine and left it in a pile on the counter. I made my way back into the closet and search for something I could use to pack all of my stuff in. I couldn't stay here. I needed to get the hell away so I could clear my head and start again.

I pulled on some clothes and looked around for the closest thing resembling a bag, there was a large canvas duffel bag shoved in the back of the closet, I pulled it out and checked to see if there was anything inside.

I packed quickly, not taking the time to fold anything, not even really looking at what I was packing. It was just everything I owned, in one bag, staring back at me sadly. Well, it was a step up, before Alice's kindness I had nothing at all.

I looked around the closet, my fingers brushed over his clothes once in an attempt to be close to him one last time. I needed to remember him, I needed to keep him with me so I could never forget the feeling I had with him. I couldn't lie to myself for long, and I knew I wouldn't hate him forever, I loved him too much for that.

Tears welled in my eyes as I leaned towards the clothes, his scent infiltrated my mind like a drug, breaking me down again. The sensation overwhelmed me, I collapsed to the floor, my legs folding beneath me as the sobs rocked through my body again. Why didn't I deserve happiness? What had I done that was so wrong that it was taken from me?

What I wanted was to walk out of this room with my head held high, I wanted to tell him sorry it didn't work out, but it was fun while it lasted. I wanted to let him off the hook. It was never going to happen though. As soon as I saw him I knew I would lose any strength I had been able to find, but I couldn't hide in here forever, I couldn't hide from this pain, I couldn't hide from this desolate feeling that coursed through my body.

I could hear the murmur of voices in the other room, two deep rumbling sounds as they spoke quietly amongst themselves. I could pick Jasper's voice out anywhere and it was easy to see the difference between his and Emmett. I hoped I hadn't caused any discord between them.

I tried to block out the sounds from my mind, I tried with everything I possessed to keep a hold of the anger that was slowly dissipating and giving way to grief. I couldn't crumble and fall apart yet, I had to be strong, I had to get the hell out of here where I wasn't surrounded by him. His smell, his voice, his face. All of it was too much for me to take right now, I needed time to think.

I pushed myself from the ground and marched into the bathroom, my blotchy red face stared back at me from the mirror and I knew I had to remedy that before I could do anything. If he saw me falling apart he would try to comfort me. I couldn't let him do that.

I washed my face quickly, the cool water felt good against the heated splotches of my tear induced flush.

Where would I go now? I could ask Alice to take me back to the city, but I doubted she would do that, not having seen where I'd lived before. Maybe I could go to Brian and Debbie. I would love to see their two little girls, but I couldn't put Brian in that position. I could try to find Renee, but I doubted that would do any good.

I would have to just go with the flow, wing it and see where I ended up. It wasn't the best plan I'd ever had, but it would have to do, what other choice did I have? Perhaps John was still down at the bridge, having at least one friendly face would help.

An involuntary shudder ran down my spine. A month, give or take a few days, and I was already out of the mindset. It scared the crap out of me and no matter how much I tried to sugarcoat it, nothing was going to change that.

Nothing had changed, not really, I was still the displaced, awkward homeless girl; with nowhere to go, and no one to turn to. I was still alone, it seems nothing had changed there. I just needed to get out of here before I talked myself to death. No amount of thinking was going to change this situation.

I headed back into the closet one last time, looking around for anything that would be considered mine, then I hoisted the bag on my shoulder and took a deep, uneven, breath.

My fingers trembled on the lock as I twisted it slowly. All of the trepidation I had been fighting flooded my consciousness making me a little dizzy. I had to leave before this got harder. I needed to use these emotions to help push me out the door and away from here forever.

I twisted the handle and pulled the door open slowly, hoping that it wouldn't squeak like I knew it would.

The scene before me almost knocked the wind from my sails. Jasper was sat on the couch, his head in his hands, while Emmett sat at the computer desk looking like a disciplined child. Neither was saying anything to the other both had their eyes down turned.

I almost made it out of the door without the signature squeak, but just as I stepped through, the duffel bag knocked the door further open, hitting that one spot that screamed out. Both Jasper and Emmett looked towards me. I knew I looked like a deer in the headlights and I was ready to bolt. My feet wouldn't work though, I stood frozen to the spot staring at Jasper. What I expected to happen I wasn't sure.

I took a step towards the door, but before I could even blink, Jasper jumped from the couch and ran across the room to me, his eyes full of hope. His eyes, that endless blue was searching mine, looking for something behind them, but I was already resigned to the fact that whatever this was, was over.

"Bella, please, talk to me," he pleaded. His voice was shaky and full of what I could only describe as remorse. It cemented the fact that he'd lied to me. What else would cause remorse to be his reaction.

"No, I'm sorry, I can't stay here. I have to go."

"Bella, you can't leave," Jasper said anxiously running his hand through the sandy blond hair in frustration. "Please, let me explain."

With the last ounce of restraint I had, I stepped towards the door but he stepped with me blocking my path. I swallowed, the action making my throat scratch and my breath catch. Why did he have to make this so much harder than it needed to be? Why wouldn't he let me go? He wouldn't have lied if he cared, he wouldn't have lied if he'd really wanted this.

"Jazz," Emmett's voice was quiet, but I could hear the reasoning behind the word.

"Emmett, stay out of this," Jasper growled, his blue eyes turning on me again.

I felt the familiar pull to him. I felt that desperate need to brush his hair from his eyes and hold his face in my hands and tell him I would never leave him. Yet, I couldn't. He wasn't mine, and he never would be. I tried to keep the facade of calm on the outside, even though it was impossible inside. I couldn't even be in my own head. I couldn't think straight, the irrationality of needing him and the conflicting need to run was tearing me apart.

I needed to get out of here. Now.

I walked towards the door, avoiding his eyes at all costs. Every time I let him capture mine, every time I got let myself look into the pools of blue, I longed to stay here with him. It wasn't an option, I couldn't let him do this, I couldn't do this.

I reached for the handle, my trembling hands wrapping around the brass knob, I clung to it with a quiet desperation, I turned it slowly and pulled it open, but before I could get it open further than an inch, Jasper slammed it shut, his back to the door and his hand covering mine as it trembled against the handle.

The fireworks were all still there, the fire running through my veins was still stronger than ever. The need for his was just as strong as it had been last night, nothing would deplete that. I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting the tears that were once again threatening to break through, bringing with it the heavy sob that clenched in my chest.

Jasper's fingers traced the edge of my face softly, and I could feel his breath on my cheek. The sob built pulling at the edge of my heart as it festered inside of me.

"Don't go," Jasper whispered softly.

This was too much for me, I wanted to stay, but I couldn't be that person. I pulled the door open with force knocking him out of the way and slipped through it, leaving only a sob in my wake.

* * *

**A/N: Did any of you see that coming? Yes I know, I am evil, but it will all fall into place eventually. If things were to stay the same, it wouldn't be much of a story would it :).**

**I would love to know what you all think. I have been nervous about this chapter because of the situation. I enjoyed a lot of the speculation you guys had with the sneak peeks.**

**Thank you to Miztrezboo and Bemylullaby for holding my hand when I am being a huge PP. Thanks to my sis, Rachael, who looked this over and corrected any mistakes she came across. I would also like to say Happy Birthday to M., also known as Vicki.**

**Thanks for all the alerts and favorites, and as always, a huge, huge thank you to all of you that review. You guys are all amazing and consistently make me smile. You're all awesome and you rock!!!**

**Much love and big hugz ~ weezy ~**


	18. Walking in Circles

_**All Things Twilight belong to the Amazing Stephenie Meyer.**_

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**Walking in Circles**

_ I've tried to give it all to you. can't take anymore to do  
With this. it hurts inside. I know why I hide 'cause  
I suffer**  
Suffer - Staind**_

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I lost my composure as soon as I left the room. The tears flooded my eyes, stinging my cheeks as they rolled down and fell from my chin. I tried to take it slowly down the stairs, the bag I was carrying was precariously placed on my shoulder, and I knew myself well enough to know that one wrong step and I would fall down the stairs.

Would that be such a bad thing? It's not like I could feel anything, I was numb.

I reprimanded myself immediately for those thoughts. This wasn't the end of the world, not yet. Not to mention the marble floor of the foyer could easily break through the numbness leaving me shattered and broken, and once again in Jasper's debt.

I burst through the front door with my breath burning in my chest, the sobs were beginning to roll inside of me, the cold air hit me hard making the numbing pain more prevalent. I shivered through my layers and took the deepest breath that I could.

The oxygen burned my throat making me feel sick again. I couldn't let myself do this, I couldn't let this push me into a decision. I had nowhere to go and I was freezing again. The memories seemed to flood my memory. Could I go back to that?

I had to get away from this house first, I still couldn't think and if I stood still much longer, the tears rolling down my cheeks would freeze in place. I stuck to the grass as I moved quickly towards the tall gate. I knew it would be locked, but the side access gate was hidden in the brush beside it.

I knew where Alice lived, I knew it was a longish walk. Could I go there though? I knew what I should do, I knew that I should leave them all alone so their consciences wouldn't nag at them to help me. I was entirely too selfish for that though. Even through the pain, I knew I didn't want to be far from Jasper.

I dropped my bag to the floor as a fresh wave of pain ripped through me. My hands wrapped around torso as I tried to hold myself together. How had I become so dependent on relative strangers? How could I have given Jasper the power to break me like that? This was no ones fault but my own.

The image of his face haunted me as I tried to pull myself together. His sad eyes, his white lips begging me not to go. Why did he have to make this harder than it already was? I wanted to hate him, I wanted to scream at him call him a liar, but I couldn't. I still loved him.

The cold wind blew down the empty street as though moving me along, moving me away from the one place I wanted to be. I was angry, but I didn't hate him! What was wrong with me?

I picked up the bag with a groan and shuffled my feet along the slippery street with caution. No matter what he had or hadn't said, there was no denying this was my fault, this was something I had done to myself, loving someone gives them the power to break you. He hadn't known I'd offered that to him, I had given him that without questions, expecting nothing in return.

I passed into a small area of forest, trying to find shelter from the blistering cold wind that seemed to use the street as a funnel to whistle through. I was shivering, cold, upset, angry and confused. I needed someone to talk to, I needed to get this impossible poison out of my body before it ate me alive.

I had two choices, hitch back to Seattle, or go to Alice.

My head fell back on my shoulders as I looked up at the canopy of trees. Small dusty white balls of snow penetrated them. The small cloud that signified I was indeed still breathing, blew up into the gray filtered light.

I wanted to scream into the cold air at anyone, anything, I was still trying to shift the blame, still trying find someone to take this pain from me. It hurt like hell, winding into the cracks of my mind, wrapping tightly around my heart constricting my ability to feel anything other than pain.

Why me? I knew I'd asked this question a lot while I was stuck in the bathroom, but it was so much more than that. The why held so much more connotations than just simply _why me_. It was why now? Why here? Why him? Why was this my life? Why could _nothing_ ever go right?

I pushed my head forward, I couldn't stand here all day, I couldn't camp out in the woods. The confusion was considerably easier to deal with than the pain, so I held onto it, struggling to figure out what exactly it was that I wanted.

I pulled the cap I was wearing further down on my forehead as I turned up the collar of my coat. The cold air seemed to be closing in on me, even here in the forest. The small puffs of white fell from the overhead shelter with more force than it had before. It floated down around me, making me shiver violently.

Whatever I decided, it had to be soon. I couldn't risk getting caught out in this, not when I was so unprepared like this.

I started walking again, my feet dragging in the bracken below me. I had no real destination, I wasn't really all that conscious of where I was going. I just kept moving as I tried to make a solid decision. My numb mind thinking in an uncooperative loop, thinking the same things over and over again as I wandered aimlessly down a worn path through the trees.

It wasn't until the towering chimneys of the Masen house seemed to cloud the horizon that I realized where my feet had subconsciously taken me. I guess it had been the answer from the beginning, I just refused to let myself become an inconvenience. My heart and my head obviously didn't agree.

The Masen house looked like an old manor estate house, Alice had told me that her parents had insisted that the bricks were shipped in from an estate on the Duke of Wellington's land that had to be removed. They had bought the bricks after taking a tour of the house, so they could replicate it exactly. It looked centuries old, but the interior had only the finest things. The new was masked well to fit in with the aged brick of the house. It really did look like it was pulled straight out of the English countryside. Ivy clung to side as though it had been there for eternity, making the setting as natural as it possibly could.

I stopped in the tree line, still unsure about whether I should really consider going to the door or not. I knew Alice would accept me with open arms, but after the story about her parents and her brother, I wasn't sure if I should really be here. If they ever found out who I was and where I came from, and where I had taken Alice. I could only imagine they would be happy to turn me into the police, after searching my bags to see if I stole anything from them.

Considering I was wearing a large percentage of her friend, Rosalie's clothes, I couldn't exactly see that being a very good situation to find myself in. Yet, I still felt the pull. Alice had been nothing but a good friend to me. Whatever happened I knew she would help me the best she could, even if it was just a ride to Seattle. I had to try, didn't I?

I didn't know anymore, I didn't know anything. Everything I'd put my faith in had just crumbled around me leaving me a hollow shell, empty and cold. Could I trust my friendship with Alice? Could I trust my instincts? I moved back behind the trees so the house was out of view again.

I didn't think I could take much more. As Charlie used to say, if I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all. Maybe he was right, maybe my life was supposed to be spent alone, full of emptiness and heartache. Being alone hadn't seemed so bad when I lived day to day under the bridge, but being here, and having the feeling that resembled love surround me, I craved it. The feeling of waking up next to the person you know you loved was more powerful than I would have ever believed.

I took a deep breath, I had to trust that Alice was the friend I believed her to be. I had to believe that my instincts weren't completely off. I had to have something right, I had to have some twisted form of luck. Maybe it was my faith in myself, maybe I brought all of this on myself because I expected it to happen so I let myself walk into these situations.

I refused to be the victim anymore. I refused to let myself fail. I stepped out from behind the tree and marched across the manicured lawn towards the intimidating house sprawled out in front of me. I passed over the gravel quickly, ignoring the sound of it crunching under my feet. I took the two steps up to the door and rang the bell that was encased in what appeared to be brass.

I waited silently, it took a while for anything to happen, but I could only imagine how long it would take to get anywhere in a house this size. I stood back and waited trying to look composed, even if I was falling apart inside.

The door opened slowly, and when my eyes caught the deep jade green pair peering back at me, I lost my train of thought. He was handsome, tall and lean with a subtle hint of muscles beneath his sweater. His eyes widened as he looked at me.

His hand rose to the mess of bronze hair on his head and he ran his hand through the strands making them look even messier than they had been. His lips turned up to one side as he opened the door all the way. His eyes were curious.

I tried as best I could to give him a smile in return, but it was as though the muscles refused to work. It seemed I had lost control of anything that would give off the impression I was happy, because I was so deeply the opposite.

He watched me carefully as I continued my internal appraisal of my behavior. If anything, I would have described his reaction as bemused. It seemed as though he wanted to say something, but his confusion at my grimace had stopped him.

Maybe he wasn't used to this reaction. It's not like I cared, but I was curious as to why he wouldn't say anything, let alone call his sister who would be the most likely candidate that was expecting me. His silence and contemplation began annoying me as we stood silently staring at one another.

Was it polite for me to talk first? I wasn't sure, I'd never been schooled in socialites etiquette. My formal education never warranted it.

I shook my head, angry at myself for being rude to someone who very obviously didn't deserve my sarcastic annoyance. Here I was, probably red eyed and soaked through, trembling with shock and disappointment, staring at him like he was a green alien.

"You must be, Bella," he chuckled after another minutes pause.

"Hi, Edward, is Alice home?"

He looked surprised that I would address him by his name as though I'd known him my whole life. I'd heard so much about him, I may as well have. I hadn't been prepared for his appearance, but I almost expected the charisma that seeped from him. I wasn't sure if he was arrogant or just comfortable in his own skin.

"Bella," Alice sighed, as she breezed past her brother and pulled me into an embrace. "Jasper called, he was worried sick, he'd thought you'd . . ." she looked at Edward cautiously before restructuring the end of her sentence. . . . "Gone home to Seattle. I was hoping you'd come here."

I didn't say a word, the mention of _his_ name, and the relief of seeing her concern made the tears build up in my chest again. So much for confusion being a good distraction. Now I had an answer and the pain ebbed back into my chest, coiling around the remnants of my heart. I had to be stronger than this.

"Come on, sweetheart, I had them get the spare room together just in case you decided to come."

I nodded and let her guide me into the house towards the ornate stairs in front of us. I didn't even bother looking around. My inadequacy was already eating away at me. I didn't need to be reminded how distant this world was from my own.

Alice guided me up the stairs and into a huge room that could have made two apartments, there was an en suite bathroom, a huge four poster bed, and an entire living room set up in here. Even a mini fridge under a small bar in the corner. I gawked, but couldn't find it in myself to be impressed. It was a guest room for goodness sake.

"I know it's ostentatious, but it's the closest to my room, I'm just across the hall. You're freezing, Bella."

I nodded, but slumped down to the floor in the middle of the room, my legs crossing below me. I didn't know what to say now that all my concerns seemed to neatly be taken care of, but then, what had I expected. This was Alice. Sweet Alice who fell in love with a native Indian her parents deemed below her station. Alice, who'd put together a shelter, because my life and they way I had lived had effected her deeply. I never should have doubted her.

She knelt in front of me, her warm hands cupping my cheeks as I stared at nothing in particular. I couldn't get my body to do a thing, I was frozen, catatonic, my heart felt as though it was bleeding. The betrayal stung like a slap to the face.

I craved my problems again because they made it easier to not think about the only thing left on my mind. It had been distracting. Being cold and homeless was distracting? I laughed at my absurdity and Alice rocked back looking surprised at my reaction.

It didn't take long for it to switch into tears, my body shook violently as her small arms wrapped around me in comfort. I was so lost, so confused and now I was hysterical. The insurmountable pain seemed to roll around my insides making it harder to gain any real composure. I had to ask though, I had to fight the pain the seemed to seep into my pores and ask what I really want to know.

"Why, Alice, why would he do that to me?" I cried, my hands gripping the back of her sweater as though it would stop the emotion from tearing me apart.

"I don't know, honey," she sighed, pulling me closer. "The boys a fool."

"No," I sniffled, pulling back and wiping the tears violently from under my eyes. My fingers leaving a burning feeling from their roughness. "I'm a fool, I'm the one who let myself fall in love with him, I'm the one who gave him the power to do this to me. Me, I'm the idiot."

"Oh, Bella," Alice cried, pushing the hair from my face. "I had no idea you were in love with him."

She pulled me to her and held me as I cried. We sat in the middle of the floor for a long time. Every ounce of pain that ran through me seemed to recycle as I bled it out in my tears. My body hurt from shaking violently, my throat was raw from the tumult of tears.

Alice didn't move once, nor did she complain. She simply ran her hand through my hair letting my pain show through. I thought I'd cried myself out, I thought I had worked through the immense pain as I wandered the streets, but admitting just how deeply I was emotionally attached to him seemed to surface the pain again.

It was only once the tears subsided and the sobs quieted did she say anything at all. I had no idea how to thank her for being here, for being the one last thing I had.

"Why don't you take a shower, get into something comfortable and climb into bed. I'll go get us something to eat and we can watch movies, forget about the world for a little while."

I rubbed my stinging eyes as I pulled my body away from her shoulder. I nodded once, knowing that I needed her company, even if I wouldn't be much company myself. She hopped up from the ground agilely, offering me her hand. I took it without a word and let her pull me to my feet.

"I'll be back soon, the bathroom's in there, everything you need should be in the towel closet."

I nodded and willed my body to move towards the direction she had pointed me in. My limbs were hurting. My legs ached. I wanted to forget this whole day. I just hoped the shower would do the trick.

It didn't work.

I sat under the stream of hot water, my legs pulled to my chest as my body became devoid of sentiment. I had nothing left inside of me, no tears left to cry, I was a broken mess. Not even the room heady with steam could evoke an emotion from me.

I let my head fall to my knees as I willed myself not to see him in my head. His perfect face had been haunting me since I had stepped into the flagstone shower. Everything we had shared together over the past couple of months seemed to replay in my head as I searched for some kind of sign that I'd missed. Something that would show just how wrong I had been when I'd fooled myself into believing he felt the same way.

There was nothing there, every touch replayed in my mind and my skin tingled as though he were here now, holding me as his hands moved across my body. His words echoed in my mind. His piercing blue eyes, full of an emotion that hadn't been there. How could I have been so wrong?

My body moved mechanically as I leaned forward to turn off the water that was continuously beating down on me. I rolled onto my knees using the wall to help me to my feet. Sitting here wasn't helping. Letting him fill my mind again, wasn't helping. I needed it to go away, I needed to stop feeling.

"Bella?"

"Coming, Alice," I croaked, my voice worn from the tears I had spilled earlier.

"I have your sweats here, I hope you don't mind, I unpacked for you."

"Thanks, Alice," I said pulling the towel around myself, wishing I could heat up my freezing body. In reality I shouldn't be cold. The heat that swirled around the room was comparative to a sauna. "You can come in."

She cracked the door open, and stepped in, her eyes searching the steam filled room for me. I could see my sadness reflecting in her eyes. She'd seen me breakdown, fall apart, and comforted me. Yet, I felt guilty. Jasper was her best friend, I didn't need to put her in the middle of this, nor did I particularly want to.

"I'm sorry, Alice. I never meant to impose."

"Don't be crazy, Bella. My parents know you're here and my brother isn't bothered. So make yourself comfortable. You can stay as long as you want."

"Thanks."

"You're one of my closest friends, what did you expect from me?" she grinned.

"You're Jasper's friend too. Long before you were mine."

"Jasper's being an ass."

"Thanks."

"Not a problem, now get changed and jump into bed, I have a gallon of mint choc chip and freshly popped popcorn ready to go. I also got your favorite movie, it's really not my thing, but . . ."

"No, it's fine. I'm not in the mood to watch it -" That was also ruined by memories "- I think I need something funny."

Alice grinned and nodded, backing out of the room leaving me to dress in peace. When I came out, she was laid flat on her stomach on the huge bed, the TV had been turned to face the bed and four remotes laid in front of her.

I climbed onto the bed and pulled the covers up over my shoulder as I curled in on myself. Curling into a ball seemed as though it was the only way to stop the ache inside of me. I felt the slight shift in the bed as Alice rolled back to sit next to me. She curled up on the other side of the absurdly large bed, and gave me a smile, but all I could manage was a blink.

If I attempted anything, a word, or even a smile, I knew the weak fabricated wall of stoic peace I had created would tumble down around me. I didn't want to cry anymore. I didn't want to hurt, I wanted it to all go away, and leave me in my misery.

I didn't even attempt to watch the movie, I laid with my eyes open staring at the pictures as they moved across the screen. My eyes blurred but I forced them to stay open, too afraid of what would happen if I let them close.

Alice occasionally leaned over to check on me, but I would feel her subtle movements and let my eyes slide shut. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to sleep, I didn't want anything. I just wanted to lie here numb, unfeeling and uncaring.

"Alice?" Edward said quietly. His voice was soft and warm, I ignored it too.

"Mmm?"

"How's your friend doing?"

"Sleeping I think," Alice whispered.

"What happened? She seemed pretty distraught."

"Long story."

"Jasper called," he said, his voice deepening a little.

I tried not to cringe at his name as it pierced my chest, poking at the fracture that had already been created there by the three worse days of my life. I hated adding today to Charlie and Julia's death, but it's what it felt like. It felt like someone had died and left me alone, again.

"I told him to stay away for now, he said he understood. What did he want?"

"To make sure your friend was okay. Did he do this?" Edward asked, his voice raising a little in the accusation.

"Edward, I have it under control. It's fine."

"Mom and dad know?" he asked, smart enough to change the subject.

My body tensed a little, and I hoped I hadn't alerted Alice of my consciousness.

"Yeah, I called them. Why?"

"I just don't want them to disturb her. You know what they're like."

"Thanks, Edward."

"No problem, I'm heading out with Emmett."

"K," she whispered, and I felt her rolling back over to face the television.

I closed my eyes and let myself relax, knowing that Alice parents were aware of my presence seemed to bring me a small piece of mind. I let the pain consume me again as I laid with my eyes closed, finally letting the darkness wipe my mind clean.

* * *

**A/N: I know it seems a little piece by piece, but it was a little intentional. Bella's mind isn't entirely her own at the moment, the pain has pulled her under and is torturing her. She's so confused about everything that's happened. She let someone in, she trusted him, and now she feels as though she's been stabbed in the back. The best way I can describe it is, she's broken, the weight of everything, the pain of betrayal, and the pain that Jasper seemed to keep at bay has come crashing down around her.**

**Phew, sorry, got a little long winded there. Next up is Jasper's POV, and there will be a sneak peek in the review reply. I'm hoping it will explain a little of what he's going through and maybe even some answers.**

**Thank you as always to the four plot bunnies, miztrezboo, Who is the author of the amazing The Appointment, and her new fic Where The Road Meets The Sun. To Bemylullaby, who write the awesome, For Better, For Worse. Then there's MV Cullen and Rachael. All four of you keep me sane and I love you all :)**

**Don't forget the Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy Contest. It should be up and running Sept. 6th, so don't forget to write hot cowboy action :)**

**Thank you for all the alerts and faves, and to all of the amazing reviewers. You guys astonish me, not only with your kindness, but your questions and theories and intuitiveness. You all ROCK!!! and I adore you all.**

**Much love and big hugz ~L~**


	19. Desolation

_**All Things Twilight belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer.**  
_

* * *

**Desolation**

_Oh no, I see,  
A spider web and it's me in the middle,  
So I twist and turn,  
Here am I in my little bubble,  
Singing I, I never meant to cause you trouble,  
And I, I never meant to do you wrong,  
**Trouble - Coldplay**_

_**

* * *

**_**JASPER POV**

How could I have let this happen, all of my meticulous fucking planning and I'd forgotten that Emmett loved to just walk in my fucking room when he was here. It was all such a fucking mess, I was a fucking mess. I had been since she'd left almost four hours ago.

One day, and everything felt as though it were crumbling around me.

Emmett was remorseful when I told him what had happened, and he couldn't for the life of him understand why I didn't force her to listen. Of course he didn't understand, he'd been with Rosalie since the moment they laid eyes on one another. They knew what the other was thinking simply by looking at them.

Bella and I were still so new, so fragile.

I was worried about where she was, all of me wanted to jump in the car and go looking for her. I hoped she wouldn't attempt to go back to Seattle. I hoped that she knew Alice was there for her alone. I hoped for a lot of things.

I knew I'd fucked up, the sense was so overwhelming I stayed here, laying on the bed while my mind tried to think, tried to imagine where she would go. What if she tried to hitch her way back to Seattle?

I talked myself out of following her so many times, after she left here, I called Alice and she had agreed that I should stay where I am, that I should let her figure things out. She questioned me, but the wound was to fresh, too painful, I really wasn't ready to pour salt on it and make it sting even more, even if I did deserve it.

My phone rang beside me, and I immediately picked it up. I been willing it to ring for hours now, hoping that Bella hadn't been out in the cold all this time.

"Jasper?" Alice's voice was full of irritation and disappointment, and I could only imagine what had brought those emotions to the forefront. I knew in some capacity that Bella must be there with her, and I felt a small pang of relaxation fill my mind. Yet, I had to make sure.

"Alice, is she there? Is she okay? Can I come over?" I asked, standing up and pacing the floor. All of my hope seemed to revolve around this. Would she want to see me? I didn't deserve that kind of divine forgiveness.

"Shut the fuck up, Jasper," Alice snapped into the line, effectively shutting me up completely. "Tell me what happened from the start. Bella has been crying for hours, she won't stop shaking and hasn't spoken since she called herself stupid for falling in love with you."

Before I had even thought about what that meant, before I even realized how much pain I felt, my fist connected with the wall. A satisfying roll of pain ran through my body as the drywall crumbled below my fist. She loved me, Bella loved me, and I threw that all away because I hadn't opened my fucking mouth and told her what the fuck was going on.

"You asked me not to say anything and be her friend, do you mind explaining that?"

"Alice, I broke up with Lauren when you took her to La Push, I swear to you, I wouldn't have let this go any further if I hadn't. You know me."

"Why didn't you tell her that? Or at least let me say something," she said, her voice softening. She had always been a fierce and loyal friend.

"Because I know what it's like to be that angry. Anything I would have said would have been misconstrued as an excuse, a lie. I hadn't told her about Lauren at all, not one word, why would she believe I had broken up with her," I justified, hoping she would see what I was trying to say.

"Why don't you let me try and explain?"

"No, Alice, she needs a friend. If you try and explain, she'll think you're pushing her back to me. This is my mistake, I need to fix it."

"You better," she said fiercely.

"Alice, she's not the only one who fell in love," I confessed. I hadn't said it aloud, not once, but it seemed like a good time to admit it. If I couldn't lie to myself, why lie to anyone else? If shouting it from the rooftops meant she would come back I would do it. I would mean it too. I loved her.

"Jazz," Alice warned.

"I don't care, Alice. Since she crashed into my life, she's all I've thought about."

"What a mess."

Alice had that right. I had made a royal fucking mess of this. If I had been up front from the beginning, if I had been as honest with her, as she had been with me, then none of this would be happening. I wouldn't be hurting like this, she wouldn't be hurting feeling betrayed and broken.

"I'm a fucking idiot," I sighed, fighting the tightening in my chest. "I can't believe this happened now. I can't believe that I didn't think again."

"Jazz, you can fix this, you just have to give her time."

Time was something I could offer, something I had to give, but I wasn't sure I could manage being away from her that long. My selfishness seemed to know no bounds when it came to Bella, because I needed her like oxygen. In the few short months we'd known one another, she came to mean everything to me.

"Can I come over?"

"I don't think that's a good idea right now. She's a mess, and like I said, she hasn't said a word since she stopped crying."

"But . . ."

"No, Jasper, I can't let you upset her again, not tonight. I'll call you tomorrow and let you know what's going on, but you need to be patient. She's fragile, so much has happened to her. You can't expect her to just get over this like it's nothing."

"Alice," I started.

"No, Jasper. I won't be moved on this. You're my best friend, and I'm not above telling you that you've fucked up, but I'm Bella's friend too. You need to give her time."

"Fine. Call me tomorrow?"

"I will, but I'm not promising anything will change."

"Thanks," I mumbled.

Without another word, Alice hung up leaving me alone, and even more confused than I was before the call. I knew I'd made a mistake, but I'd seemed to over looked the fact that Bella was more tenuous than most. Stronger in most ways, but when it came to love and affection, she was breakable, and I had just shattered us both.

I couldn't stay in the house anymore, I had to get out of here and do something, anything to stop my mind from seeing the pain in her eyes over and over again. It was on a loop, playing as my eyes closed when I tried to sleep off the misery, when I watched the television, picked up a book, paced. She was everywhere, in everything and I couldn't stop thinking about her. I needed a release.

I threw the closet door open with more force than needed to execute the simple task and pulled out my gym bag, throwing it over my shoulder, before I took off out the door.

It didn't take me long to get to the gym, I threw the door open and marched into the locker room. I was thankful for it being deserted. I didn't need anyone trying to make small talk with me, I just wanted to get this done and out of the way.

I changed quickly, throwing my bag into the locker and clicking the lock on it, pulling on my gloves as I made my way out to the main gym to the ring, where I knew he would be practicing. I'd called him on my way over. He was the only person that was ever a challenge to me.

"Hey Whitlock, it's been a while. Didn't see you at the bonfire."

"I wasn't there, Embry," I growled, rolling my shoulders. It was just another reminder I really didn't need right now.

"Jesus, you're all worked up. What the fuck got under your skin?"

Embry had been my sparring partner since I had started hanging out with the Quileute boys. He was big and had a mean right hook. We were well matched in the ring, and he and I both knew it.

"I don't wanna talk about it. Just do me a favor, you get in a hit, make it fucking count."

Embry raised his eyebrows, but nodded all the same, holding out his gloved hands for me to hit with my own. I touched my gloves to his and pulled both up to my face letting my feet spread as the familiar rush of adrenaline coursed through my veins.

We circled one another slowly, our eyes keeping watch carefully.

Boxing had always been my escape, even when my dad had forced me into it, I had found that the only thing I like about it was the strategy. It took up all of your thoughts, you could let nothing else penetrate your mind. You watched, listened, sensed everything your opponent was about to do.

I had given it up to piss off my dad, he didn't know about this place or the rounds I went with Embry, mainly because it would make him happy.

Embry played out a perfect combination, pushing me back towards the ropes as I was caught unaware. I had to keep my mind on the ball. I threw my right to his stomach, his elbows came down heavy to protect the exposed area, and I rounded my left arm, hitting him square in the jaw.

It wasn't without consequence, over extending myself to catch him, his left rounded into my ribs, connecting roughly, knocking the air from my lungs. The pain ran through my body making the sadistic side of myself step forward like a fucking rabid animal.

Embry rolled his head on his shoulders as he bounced in place. I ignored the burning ache and brought my hands up to my face again, looking over the material at my opponent. I bounced forward throwing my fists to any exposed place I could, not giving him a chance to reciprocate. I was on fire, the anger brimming to the surface as my fists made contact.

Embry started giving as good as he got, but I was beyond feeling the pain as I continued to push myself forward, throwing my fists neatly under his ribs. I went low, my fists connecting with his torso with all the strength I had in me. My mind wasn't in the game though, I left myself unguarded as my fists pounded against the flesh of his abdomen.

I didn't even feel the right hook I took to the eye, I was just aware of the ground rushing towards me. I hit the mat hard, my head bouncing off of the surface. All of the air came whooshing from my lungs in one fell swoop. I couldn't feel anything. The usual rush of the pain seeping into my body wasn't there.

I rolled onto my back frustrated. Embry leaned over with a smug smile in place. He didn't often get the upper hand, but he enjoyed the victory when it was his.

"Shit, you should get something on that eye man, it's already swelling."

I nodded curtly, I wasn't angry at him, I was angry at myself. This little bout had done nothing to dissolve the anger and self hatred. It only seemed to hold it in place and make it fester.

"I'm heading out, I have a date tonight. You gonna be alright?"

"Fine, thanks, Embry."

"Anytime, Bro. You know that."

I nodded, waiting for him to leave as I let my gloved fists cover my eyes in frustration. I had to fix this.

Lauren fucking Mallory. She'd been my worst fucking nightmare for a year now. Even from Aspen she was fucking annoying the shit out of me. All of the discord in my life seemed to stem from that egotistical rich bitch.

I seemed to blame her for a lot.

My parents had met Mayor Mallory's daughter and immediately started calculating. I say my parents, but it was always dad. Always wanting more, what he had was never enough. I was introduced to her at one of the events my mom had managed to get us an invite to.

After I had been exposed as Alice's cover, my mom took it upon herself to get our name higher up of the social circle. It was disgusting really, both she and my father were shells of who they had been, and that was saying something considering my father had been an alcoholic.

They introduced me to Lauren, after giving me instructions to win her affection at any cost. I could have said no, but I didn't. I wanted to make my mom happy, I figured she deserved it, even if it was wrong to use someone like that.

Well, I thought that until I got to know her. Apparently, she wasn't the only one being used.

Since that time, Lauren and I had been together, we fought more than we got along and the sex was always angry. I resented her for being so receptive to my advances, and she ate it up. She wasn't exactly faithful either. This whole Aspen trip had been about getting some "new" ass, as she so eloquently put it to her friends. To me, she lied, telling me she was going to have a girls only vacation.

I stayed with her to placate my parents. Sure, it was a pretty shitty thing to do, but we both got what we wanted out of the relationship. I got to give my mom her precious social status, with invites to the important parties and charity functions. Lauren got dick whenever the fuck she wanted it, and someone respectable to hang from as she covered up her sick little double life.

I knew I liked Bella from the beginning, her shy disposition and honesty seemed to suck me in and never let me go, but I refused to make a move because I didn't want her to think I expected something to happen because I'd helped her out. I tried to let things work out naturally, and eventually, she kissed me.

That first kiss, after I'd slipped and let myself get mesmerized by her translucent skin, was amazing, and seemed to cement everything I was confused about into some solid understanding. I was hers, whether she wanted me or not. It was then that I had made the decision to end things with Lauren.

I stayed as far as I could from Bella that week because I knew that if I so much as brushed against her I wouldn't be able to help myself. I craved kissing her again, touching her, holding her in my arms. I hated the fucking awkward air between us, but I had to do the right thing. I couldn't consciously date her when I knew I was still in a relationship of sorts with Lauren Mallory.

So I stayed behind when they went to La Push. I knew it wasn't going to be easy breaking up with Lauren, She was a cold hearted vindictive bitch. She manipulated things to work for her alone and could have cared less about who she hurt along the way.

I had to prepare myself, I had to steel myself from getting agitated and angry when she would inevitably unleash that silver tongue of hers on me. The conversation was exactly as I had expected it to be . . .

. . . I had paced my room with my phone in my hand staring at her name with indifference. It wasn't as though I cared what she thought. I knew she would use the 'you're hurting me' route and I had prepared myself for that. I wouldn't hurt her, I would simply piss her off, because she would need to find and train someone new to be her cover up.

I finally pushed send and held the phone up to my ear, waiting for her nasally, high pitched squeal to infiltrate my ear drums.

"Baby," she squealed, dragging out the word longer than it should ever be. "I was wondering when I was going to hear from you. Do you miss me?"

"Lauren, We have to talk."

She giggled at something that was an obvious distraction, completely ignoring me. I tried to stop the eye-roll, but again, it was fucking inevitable. The girl made me cringe.

"Lauren!"

"Sorry, Jazzy, Jess just said something ridiculous. I swear she's mildly retarded."

Bitch.

"Lauren, I don't think this is working out."

"Awe, does my baby miss me?"

I gritted my teeth, getting annoyed at her ignorance. She was blond, and that included every connotation that went with it.

"Quite the opposite, I think we should break up."

"Don't be absurd, Jasper."

Could she be serious? I wouldn't put it past her, but she had to know that this really wasn't working out. We couldn't stand to be around one another, even in front of her debutant friends we would fight like animals, hiding under our breaths and plastic smiles. The only time we got along was while we were fucking, and even that wasn't good for me.

"I'm not, listen, it's just not working out. We have nothing in common, I know your fucking that Crowley guy who just came back from college, and I just think it's time we stop lying to ourselves and everyone around us."

"Excuse me? I am not fucking Tyler Crowley. I . . ." she cut herself off and changed the subject. I knew what she was going to say, but I was being polite. She was screwing Tyler's dad, who'd just divorced his third wife and promised Lauren he would wait for her to finish high school. "Don't do this, baby. I know I've been gone for almost two months now, but you know Daddy likes me to get use out of his cabin here."

"Lauren, this is it, we've over, done with. As in no longer dating. We're breaking up."

"You're a fucking idiot, Jasper," she spat.

There she is, I'd been waiting for the vindictive bitch to show up. This was a definitely a new record. Lauren always got what she wanted, and the finality of my last statement had ruffled her feathers.

"I've always known I was too good for you, you and your white trash family have never belonged in our world. I'm the only reason you are where you are, don't think for a fucking second you're going to get away with this you trashy little shit. You'll be begging me to take you back, and I fucking expect you to fucking grovel like the lowlife scum you are. What is it? You finally admitting to the love affair your having with that nasty little whore Masen girl? Don't think I haven't noticed how much time you spend with her. She finally take a step up from the trash she's been dating in La Push?"

"You are one foul mouthed bitch, Lauren. I thought you'd be happy, I just freed the path so you could be the Fourth Mrs. Crowley. That's what you're after isn't it? Just biding your time so the old guy don't get hit with a statutory charge."

"Fuck you, Jasper."

"Been there, and it ain't that great," I said, before flipping my phone shut. . . .

Normally, after an argument like that, I would end up here in the gym, sparring with Embry, but knowing Bella would be back had eased me.

Since that day, I had been blissfully happy, and my stupidity had fucked it all up.

I rolled onto my knees and made my way back to the locker room so I could get my shit and get the hell out of here. I stopped in front of the mirror to examine my eye. It was worse than I'd thought, the black and purple filling the swollen space almost hiding my eye completely.

I would have to lay low for a little while, Alice hated it when I fought, but it was the only way I could work through things. It normally worked too, but this time, this time it did nothing but make me feel worse. Knowing I was heading back to the empty house seemed to make her absence even more prominent. I was used to her being there, seeing her smiling face when I walked in the door. The blush creeping up her neck to stain her cheeks as I found an excuse to touch her in some way.

Now there was nothing, nothing but an empty house. An empty life. I knew I undoubtedly loved her, I pretty much had since the moment I'd met her, but I'd denied it, telling myself that I was crazy, worried about the price of her rejection. I had set myself up for failure, and it was making me feel sick.

I'd never had anything with anyone like I'd had with Bella. Even before the inheritance came in. I hadn't been a saint back then, and I was probably too young to be doing what I had been doing, but I'd had girlfriends, girls I liked and thought I had loved. Thought being the operative word.

Nothing had ever compared to what I had with Bella. This last week had been amazing.

I got into my car trying to push those memories into the back of my mind, but I couldn't do it. It was all I could think about, she was all I could think about. I took off back to the house trying to keep my mind preoccupied, ignoring the nagging in the back of my mind to remember this week.

I managed to hold it off too, right up until I fell across the bed we'd shared up until last night. The bed we'd made love on last night. It tortured me, I could still smell her on the pillows, all around me, her clothes from last night were still strewn across the floor.

There was no escaping her, she was everywhere.

The physical reminders seemed to force the memories to flood my mind, torturing me further. I could almost taste her, feel her against my chest. Even before we'd made love it was amazing. We would talk for hours, holding hands. Then there was the kissing. I had never experience anything that animalistic before, the magnetism I felt when I touched any part of her only seemed to amplify when we kissed, we couldn't seem to get enough of one another. She was intoxicating.

She'd changed my life without even trying. Just being herself had made me a better person. How do you thank someone for that? How do you make up for the stupid mistakes that crush the one person that means more to you than practically anyone else.

She trusted me and I broke that trust. Now, I had to find a way to get it back, stitch up the wide gaping hole I had created between us.

It would take time, and I was more than willing to expend the effort because she was worth it.

I laid in my bed and let the darkness fill my room around me. I hoped tomorrow would look better than today. I tried to make plans for the future, but without knowing how she was going to react, it was impossible to know what the future held.

* * *

**A/N: I know, the guy was retarded for hiding it in the first place, but he didn't want her to pull away. He didn't want her to step away thinking she was breaking something that was already so broken it was practically non existent. He was planing on telling her, but it had all come to a head before he had the chance. He was wrapped up in her.**

**I hope this helps you understand a little bit of his side. He doesn't want Alice to be the one to tell her the truth, he thinks it should be him, and he doesn't want Bella to think they're ganging up on him. He doesn't realize that by saying nothing, he made himself look more guilty.**

**Thanks to miztrezboo, for her pre-reading and telling me whether I was being a complete pp. If you haven't checked out her new fic "_Where the Road meets the Sun_" I implore you too. It's amazing. To bemylullaby, whose amazing _For Better, For Worse_ is coming to a close. She also helps with the hand holding. To Rachael and Vicki, for being amazing and encouraging me.**

**To the Reviewers . . . You guys really are awesome! You've been so receptive to this little story of mine and you have no idea what that means to me. Thank you.**

**As always, sneak peeks will be in the Review replies, in the Tease Me Thursdays on the Fornication Station and the thread on Friday.**

**Don't forget the _Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy_ contest now on, there should be info on my profile.**

**Much love, and big hugz ~ Weezy~**


	20. Residual

_**All things Twilight belong to the Awesome Stephenie Meyer.**_

_It's my birthday (on the 12th) So I figured I would surprise you guys with a post . . ._

_

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_**Residual**

_I'm so tired of learning to talk_  
_ Building fences on the wall_  
_ In this state, I shall not remain_  
_ I don't want to go, but if I die young_  
_ Fill my empty room with the sun_  
_ Fill my empty room with the sun_  
_ **Empty Room - Marjorie Fair**_

_**

* * *

**_My hopes of being "over it" the next morning were not fulfilled. When my eyes flickered open I was in the huge bed alone. I didn't know where Alice had gone or what time she'd left, in all honesty I wasn't really worried about it. I knew she'd be around.

My whole body ached again, but it wasn't reminiscent of that morning all those months ago after being hit by the car. This was a different kind of ache that seemed to start from deep inside and claw it's way out. It was unbearable.

I closed my eyes again, hoping I could force myself to sleep again so I didn't have to think. It worked for a while too.

I spent a week doing this, not moving, not really eating, only drinking water and showering when I woke up alone. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to see and I sure as hell didn't want to breathe. Alice was amazing, she sat with me as much as she could over that time, curled up with a book, just giving me the company I seemed to crave while I lay there with my eyes wide open.

She brought me every meal and didn't once get upset if I didn't eat anything. She would always have a fresh tray beside the bed when I opened my eyes again. I felt terrible for wasting the food, but I couldn't bear to put a thing in my mouth. I attempted a couple times, only to dart out of bed to empty my stomach into the porcelain basin of the toilet.

Edward, someone I didn't know at all, would often sit with me if Alice was gone, he seemed to treat me as though I were in a coma, talking to me gently in his soft voice, or reading me interesting passages from the book he was reading at the time.

It seemed without making any real effort, I had made myself a new friend.

It was almost eight days later that the fog seemed to finally pass over me, leaving me to ache freely. I was listening to Edward reading _Romeo and Juliet_, I rolled over and looked at him as he read, his forehead rolling into a frown as he tried to keep the flow of the words smooth. When he took his voice to a tinkling soprano to indicate Juliet's voice, I couldn't help but giggle. It wasn't a laugh by any means, just a hollow empty sound that showed my amusement.

Edward didn't push me to talk again, in fact, he didn't even acknowledge that I had made a sound, he just continued reading.

It got easier every day after that, it wasn't that I had forgotten and put it all behind me, more that I was able to discern what I was feeling and why. I was able to compartmentalize my emotions and stow them away for when I was feeling a particular surge of self loathing.

I wasn't angry at Jasper anymore, not really, I was still hurt, I still felt betrayed, but the thought of losing him seemed to hurt more. It was completely illogical, but I didn't dismiss it. I put it away for later analysis.

There was one thing I knew for certain, one thing I couldn't push to the side, because it's who I was. I couldn't change myself. This epiphany led me to the realization that I didn't love easily, but when I did, I loved with all of myself and I loved completely. Jasper was always going to be important to me because I had embraced him, let him in, fallen in love with him. I had to deal with that, and the anguish that accompanied it.

Alice started bringing me food she knew I couldn't resist when I finally started showing coherency. I found pints of ice cream in my lap as she slipped onto the comforter with a grin and her four remotes. She would chatter with me easily, telling me what was going on in La Push, and that Rosalie hadn't even mentioned the missing clothes.

I let myself laugh more and talk more, and found myself enjoying Edward's company just as much as I enjoyed Alice's. They were very similar in ways. They were both funny and witty, always had some smart-ass remark to feed you. They took shit from nobody, but secretly were huge softies. They listened tentatively and were willing to give you any advice they seemed suitable.

In the same breath though, they were completely different. With Edward, the conversations were intellectual and thought provoking, he wasn't afraid to peel back the layers of a topic and look at what lay beneath. Alice, although very intellectual, preferred to talk about relative things. She described in great lengths what was happening at the Swan Bridge of Hope, what was going on down in La Push. The trouble that Seth and Paul found themselves in.

Both avoided the subject of Jasper. I let it go for a while, but after two weeks of not hearing his name and only having my own memories, I knew I had to be the one to bring it up. Alice and I were watching an episode of _Family Guy, the Star Wars special_ when I decided to bring him up.

"Jasper would love this," I mused, after a long giggle fit.

"Yeah he would," Alice agreed, effortlessly. There was no pregnant pause, or holding of breath, no sly side looks or tiptoeing, just another conversation as it would have been any other day.

I almost wished it was that easy for me.

"I miss him, Alice."

"I know you do," she smiled, winking at me.

"I feel like I've overreacted. I've been sitting here catatonic for almost two weeks, wasting every-one's time being selfish, again."

"Bella, everyone has their own way of processing grief. You hide within yourself, you chose to close yourself off from the world so you can come to terms with it all. It's not a bad way of handling it. I just wish you would have eaten."

"I tried, I really did, but my body wouldn't cooperate. I can't keep doing this every time some little thing comes up. It's pathetic. Not to mention what your brother must think of me."

"Eh, I wouldn't worry about him, he's a psychology major. He found the whole thing terribly fascinating."

I dropped my head into my hands and shook my head in horror. How embarrassing.

"Seriously, he seems to have come back really relaxed, I wouldn't let it bother you."

"Let what bother her?" Edward asked. I looked up to see him leaning against the door jam of my room, his signature half smile in place, his green eyes shining in amusement.

"Bella was embarrassed about her previous state of catatonia."

Edward chuckled. I appreciated the candor.

"Shit happens kid, you just have to step over it and move on."

"See, psych major," Alice laughed, rolling her eyes.

Alice looked past me to the alarm clock that sat on the night stand before handing me the huge bowl of popcorn she'd been eating from.

"You gonna be okay? I told Jake I would head down to La Push this afternoon."

"I'll be fine, go have fun," I smiled. I took a handful of popcorn and shoved it in my mouth as though I was reiterating my point.

Alice laughed and hopped off the bed, sliding past Edward who was still stood at the door. She turned and gave me a smile.

"I shouldn't be late, I have my cell if you need anything at all."

"I'll be fine, go already," I laughed.

Alice disappeared leaving Edward and I alone. I smiled up at him and offered him the bowl with a nod. He sauntered into the room and slid onto the bed grabbing a handful as his eyes trained to the television.

We watched the rest of the show together in relative silence, just laughing and giggling, well more chuckling in Edward's case, at the appropriate moments. With everything I'd heard about him, I was surprised that I felt so comfortable in his presence, there wasn't any pressure to fill the silence with needless chatter, it was just plain companionship. When the credits started rolling, he lifted his arms above his head, stretching from sitting still for so long. He looked over at me with a contemplative smile.

"Would you like to go for a walk? I'm sure you're craving fresh air by now."

"I'd love to, let me grab my stuff, and I'll meet you downstairs."

I met him in the huge foyer within five minutes, bundled up from the biting wind I knew was waiting for me outside. We set off at a slow pace in complete silence, just enjoying the fresh air. The snow was still thick, and I wondered just how long it had snowed during my self imposed exile.

"Alice was saying you were taking the semester off," I said, my curiosity getting the better of me. "Do you not like New York?"

"Oh, I love New York. I just needed some time at home to think things through."

"Don't tell me," I giggled lightly. "A girl?"

Edward smiled warmly, seemingly taking my interrogation in his stride.

"That easy to read?"

"No, it just makes sense. If there was somewhere I truly wanted to be after all of this happened it was home."

"If you don't mind me asking, why didn't you go?"

I bit my tongue realizing I had said too much. What was I thinking? I didn't have a home, I didn't have a family, I had nothing. How do you answer a question like that when you're unsure of the reaction?

"I'm sorry, that was rude. You're very welcome in our home, and I've enjoyed spending time with you. I'm just curious."

I tried to think of the excuse Alice had given her family, and decided to try and improvise when my mind came up with a blank.

"My family aren't in the country at the moment, they don't like me staying at the house alone, so here I am."

Edward chuckled, but said no more.

"What?"

"You're a terrible liar," he smiled. "But it's none of my business. I won't pry anymore, I'm sure you'll tell me in your own time."

"Thank you, it's really not something I want to talk about right now."

"I understand."

We continued to walk in silence again, the only sound was the snow crunching under our feet as we crossed the large manicured lawn that surrounded their house. The silence was nice, and comfortable, and I took the time to really look at my surroundings.

I'd thought Jasper's home was huge, but after being here it seemed a little more self-effacing. It seemed to fit. This home was almost pretentious, and seemed to exude the family's wealth and entitlement.

"I used to love this house when they first built it," Edward said pulling me from my own rumination. "Now, I think it's too much, there's four of us, we don't need that much room, it's just another way for our parents to gloat about how much money they have."

"Oh?" I was under the impression he was a lot like his parents in that respect.

"I know, shocking, isn't it," he laughed nudging me with his elbow. "I actually miss the brownstone I stay at in New York, it's still too grandiose for just me, but it's modest compared to this monstrosity."

I laughed at that. It truly was strange to hear him talk about this house with such distaste. I'd been so prepared for him to be a snob, this humble persona was turning out to be a pleasant surprise.

"Her names Kate."

"I'm sorry?"

"The girl . . . in New York. Her names Kate."

I nodded, unsure of exactly what I was supposed to say to that. I didn't want to pry, but I didn't want him to think I wasn't interested either. If he wanted to talk about it, I was more than willing to listen.

"We've been together pretty much since I moved there. It's strange, I was almost certain that nothing would come between us, yet here I am at home because it was just too painful seeing her everyday."

"Hey, you weren't out of commission for almost two weeks, I would say you handle your problems a lot better than I have."

"You're too hard on yourself, Bella," Edward laughed. "Pain like that can be hard to deal with. Alice told me that you've had a difficult couple of years. I'm not exactly sure what that entails, because she wouldn't go into details, but she was vehement about you not needing anymore heart break right now."

I nodded again, unsure of how to respond. It seemed Edward and I were in the same boat with the same problems, I understood his camaraderie with me now. We had common ground to base a friendship from.

"You know, the thing that pisses me off the most is there was no reason for Kate and I to break up. She'd withdrawn from me, barely talking, always crying. I couldn't do anything right. She wouldn't tell me what was bothering her, even though I would wake up in the middle of the night and she would still be awake, curled up in the living room with a book. It all became to much, and I was tired of her pushing me away constantly, so I confronted her about it."

"Was there someone else?" I asked, unsure whether it was the right question to ask. He still seemed to love her, I could tell by the pain that creased his forehead when he forced out her name.

"It's what I thought. I thought that her pushing me away was perhaps guilt about someone else she'd been more interested in. That was the wrong thing to say, we got into a screaming match at three am, me accusing, her denying. She kept telling me I wouldn't understand, and that she had to figure things out before she could talk to me. I told her I couldn't take her pushing me away anymore. She ended it then and there, telling me I should be happy now, because she would no longer be there to make me miserable."

Edward stopped walked, his pain filled eyes turned to me. I could see the hurt lining his youthful face as he relived the moment in his mind. He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked down at the ground, his feet kicking and moving the snow into a small pile in front of him.

"Idiotically, I was planning to propose to her at Christmas, I knew my parents would be happy, the Mayor of New York's niece becoming a Masen, her parents seemed to like me too. I loved her, that's all that was important. I even tried to beg her not to go, she was packing her things at three in the morning and I was begging her to stay, to talk things out, but she kept mumbling about how she was glad that it ended before it was too late. She refused to talk to me at all. All of this happened almost two months ago and I stuck around to try and talk to her, but I saw her around school less and less as she avoided me, and we haven't said more than two words to one another since."

"I'm so sorry."

"Why?" he grinned, the gesture not reaching his eyes. "You didn't do anything."

"No, but I am sorry you had to go through that."

Edward smiled again and turned to start walking again. He looked at me from under his lashes as he waited for me to move. I pulled my arms around myself and started walking again, letting the silence envelope us as we walked.

It seemed like such an unfair thing to happen. If there was something I'd discovered spending this time with Edward, it was that he really seemed to be a genuinely nice person. He was friendly and out going, articulate and intelligent. When it came to him being a bachelor, he also had the money to back up his appeal. I couldn't understand why any girl would turn him away like that.

His problems seemed to run so much deeper than mine, and here I was in my own little pity party. I tried to think more on his problems, on his break-up, because it hurt less than having to think of my own. Thinking of my problems would mean thinking about Jasper. As much as I missed him, I just needed time to get things straight.

"How about you?" he asked, when we'd spend more than ten minutes in our own thoughts.

So much for that idea.

"How much do you know?"

"Just that you were dating Jasper, something big happened and you left. He's crazy upset, you're visibly upset, and you haven't spoken to him in two weeks."

I smiled, offering him a laugh. I would have to thank Alice for her discretion. She hadn't told anyone anything. I had just assumed that she had explained.

"What would you like to know?"

"Why did you leave? After my story, I'm sure you can appreciate my curiosity."

I nodded. Trying to think of the best way to explain my situation.

"Well, in my case there _was_ someone else. I didn't realize that he had a girlfriend and he failed to mention it. Someone called, Lauren."

I choked on the name as I said it, but covered it up with clearing my throat. I looked down at the ground and blinked back the tears. I hated this, I hated remembering, it seemed to drag me back into the onslaught of tumultuous thoughts I no longer wanted in my head.

"Lauren Mallory?"

My insides seemed to crumble, falling quickly into the pit of my stomach. Of course he'd know her.

"I can't believe he's still with her."

Oh God, how long were they together? I both wanted to know and didn't. The wounds were deep enough without adding to them. I tried to stop myself from asking, tried to focus on anything other than the words than hung on the tip of my tongue, but it was useless.

"How long?"

Edward's piercing green eyes connected with mine instantly. I knew he must have heard the pain etched into my voice as I spoke. I knew it was stupid to ask, I was just causing myself more grief, but it was like I needed to hear it, I needed to know exactly how angry I really should be.

"Almost two years I think," he answered honestly, his eyes dropping to the ground, disconnecting me from the only anchor I had.

"I see."

"Bella, I haven't been around, I may be completely wrong. I'm really not the person to be answering these questions for you."

"Regardless," I mumbled, my voice breaking. "It's pretty obvious that they had something. Two years is a long time to be with someone."

"Bella."

I shook my head, hoping he wouldn't try and back track.

"Bella, please, you should know that I don't talk with Jasper often. We don't exactly get along. I don't know what's going on his life, I don't even pretend to want to know. Before you make up your mind and build up your resolve, maybe you should speak to Alice, or to Jasper. It might help."

"No, I have nothing to say to him anymore. There are no excuses for this. There's nothing that could condone his behavior."

"Please don't take my word for it," he implored. "Talk to, Alice."

I nodded once, I no longer felt like getting fresh air, but I wasn't ready to be alone again either.

"I appreciate your honesty, Edward. Would you mind if we went back inside?"

"Bella," he said, his voice full of sympathy.

"Maybe we could watch a movie or something to distract us?" I said, looking up into his eyes so he'd know I wouldn't retract into myself again. I just didn't want to think about this for a while. Time was supposed to heal all wounds, maybe with enough of it, I could get past this and find it in myself to talk to Jasper. For now though, I just needed time.

"I think we can do that. Maybe we should set some movie watching ground rules. No New York."

"No Seattle."

"No love stories."

"Twenty-eight days later it is then," I laughed, starting to walk back towards the house.

"Horror movies?"

I grinned. Why was everyone so surprised that I liked horror movies?

"This is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship."

I couldn't help the laugh that followed his comment. I was comfortable around him, and we had our heartache in common. I was glad to have an ally on my side, one with no strings attached, someone not torn between two people they loved as I knew Alice must be. Just a purely platonic friendship with someone who needed company and time just as much as I did.

~*~

Time passed quickly. I was taking each day at a time and before I knew it days turned into weeks. Jasper had attempted to see me on more than one occasion over that time, but Alice backed me up on my decision not to see him. Alice knew I would come around eventually and she wanted to make sure that I was ready when I did.

Edward and I spent a lot of time together, he made me laugh and was constantly distracting me. We'd been around Emmett and Rosalie quite a bit too. The only one out of the three of them that knew my story was Rosalie. Alice had confided in her about the clothes and the charity.

Rosalie was nothing but gracious, she seemed to give me twice as many clothes as Alice had, but it was an even trade because she had so many questions. It wasn't that I minded answering them, she executed her interrogation with tact. I liked her company too. She was the most beautiful person I had ever seen but had the mouth of a sailor, something that was, according to Alice, new.

Emmett had pulled me aside the first time we had spent time with them, insisting he should explain. I didn't want him to feel guilty at all, the guy was such a sweetheart, I couldn't let him shoulder the blame. So I let him know exactly why I was doing what I was doing, and he seemed to accept my explanation, but never gave up trying to help his friend out.

My forgiveness seemed to be endless with everyone but Jasper.

I wanted to see him, I wanted to touch him, smell him, taste him, but my heart and my mind had conflicting opinions. I needed to know that when we spoke, I would be willing to listen, willing to hear what he had to say and be able to tell him exactly how I was feeling. I needed to know that whatever I decided, would be well thought out and executed.

I had no doubt that I still loved him, just as much as I had when I had admitted my own feelings to myself, but I wasn't naive enough to believe you could love someone and not like them at the same time. I had been doing that to Charlie since he'd died. I still did at times, and he'd died over two years ago.

Still, with each passing day, I couldn't deny that my need to see him was growing more and more. Emmett's constant attempts at trying to include Jasper in everything we did was chipping away at my resolve, the void in my heart seemed to ache whenever I heard his name. Alice was always there when I needed to talk about him him, talk about my feelings, and she never pushed me.

Before I knew it, a month had passed, and I couldn't deny my heart anymore. I knew it was time.

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**A/N: So last chapter I think we established Jasper was an Ass! Apparently, he's still being an Ass, because well what Ass would stay away for so long after he messed up that bad? That's right, AN ASS!! (That was for you Cant-get-enough-twilight, cuz I had a giggle at that)**

**I know Bella is being unnecessarily cruel by staying away from Jasper that long, but she needed to know that she was doing the right thing! She was also a little distracted!**

**Love to all my girls, I have links to amazing stories in my profile, except Where the Road Meets the Sun by miztrezboo, mainly because I haven't found the time, but I will do it soon. If you get a chance, give it a read, it's amazing.**

**Thank you so much for all the reviews, you guys are amazing and I adore you all for taking the time to let me know how you feel :) The 12th was my birthday so I was posting this as a gift to myself, but it's now after midnight, sorry bout that! As always Sneak Peeks with Review Replies, normal posts will be back on Tuesday :).**

**Much love ~ Big hugz ~ Weezy ~**


	21. Unfortunate Circumstance

_**All things Twilight belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer :::Happy TGUTB Tuesday:::**_

* * *

**Unfortunate Circumstance**

_I thought I knew you, I thought I knew myself_  
_Never guessed the cost, the waste_  
_Just a taste is all I wanted_  
_It's been a long time, a long time coming_  
_But this is how we make or break_  
_Take, take, take_  
_**Push the Hand - The Toadies**_

_**

* * *

**_For once, the weather in Forks was spectacular. The sun had broken through the clouds in the late morning, and Alice and I had decided to sit on the benches that wrapped around a tall oak tree that sat in the middle of the huge lawn.

I had been contemplating my decision to see Jasper. I'd hoped that he'd be receptive to seeing me, even though I had waited a month to do so. If he would listen, I was willing to explain why I'd waited, and why I was ready now. I was also ready to hear his side of the explanation.

My eyes were examining the way the sun fed through the trees leaving the rays catching the slight evaporating of the water from the lawn. Alice was sat next to me reading a magazine. I could tell she was curious about my silent contemplation.

"Al, I think I want to see Jasper."

Alice lowered her magazine and pulled her knees to her chest as she turned to look at me. Her eyes were sparkling with curiosity and there was a smile playing in the corner of her lips. I knew she'd probably anticipated this, she'd known that I would eventually come round.

"Can I ask why?"

"I still love him, all this time and it hasn't changed that, not one little bit. That has to mean something," I sighed, running my hands through my hair. "I have wasted so much time trying to make sure it's the right thing to do, to make sure that I'm not angry and I won't take it out out him."

"And you think you're ready?"

"I don't know, but I'm ready to hear what he has to say, and that's if he'll even talk to me after this long."

"Bella, he calls every day to make sure you're all right, to see if there's a chance you'll talk to him. He feels terrible, all he's wanted is a chance to tell you what happened, what was going on. I could tell you now, but he told me to be your friend, and let him handle the rest, because he knew you needed somebody."

"He did?"

"Bella, when are you going to understand, Jasper . . ."

"Jasper what?" Edward asked as he loped towards us, his PSP was stuck under his nose as this thumbs and fingers made a complex pattern on the buttons.

"Nothing," Alice sighed, pulling her magazine back up so she could read it.

I picked up my book hoping that scanning the words would in some way help distract me. I would go and see Jasper, I just needed to figure out what to say. How to explain everything to him. Edward sat on the bench next to me, but swung around placing his head in my lap so he could see the little screen. I pulled my book away.

"Presumptuous aren't we."

He grinned up at me and winked. I wanted to roll him off the bench for being an ass, but I was in a generous mood so I let it go. We spent most of the afternoon like that, Alice wrapped up in a ball with her legs tucked into her chest as she shuffled through the countless magazines, Edward smacking buttons and yelling at the inoffensive little black box, and me losing myself in another world, or several as the case turned out to be.

The sun stayed shining all afternoon. Thankfully, the heat of the suns rays left us comfortable even in the normally bitter February weather.

I wasn't sure how long he was there before we noticed him. Alice was the first to realize, her head lifting off of her knees as she squinted into the sun.

The light was like a halo around him, the rays leaving trains of light around the shape of his body as he walked towards us. My heart picked up in my chest as I watched him breathless. I was barely even conscious of Alice getting up from beside me to welcome him. All I could see was him, all I could think about was him, and my heart soared knowing he was this close.

I wanted to get up and go to him, but I was frozen, and it was nothing to do the the head on my lap. Fear seemed to incapacitate me, but the irrationality was that it was the fear of being rejected again. What if he didn't want me, what if all this checking up on me was him trying to mend the friendship we'd had before all of this.

When I knew the exact moment something was wrong, I couldn't tell you, but I knew the moment my body reacted to it. His whole frame seemed to be a tense ball as he strode towards us, I knew he so well, and I knew this wasn't good.

Alice had planted her hands in his chest trying to freeze him on the spot, but he marched on, his long legs carrying him closer to us. His features were pulled into a deep severe scowl, his blue eyes devoid of any emotion other than pure rage. My heart was erratically beating in my chest as fear and confusion started to incapacitate me. This was wrong, something was terribly wrong.

"Jasper, will you just stop and talk to me?" Alice pleaded, her tiny hands wrapping around his forearms. "You've got it all wrong."

I tapped the top of Edward's head so he'd move it from my lap, my confusion had quashed the fear and joy of seeing him. The only fear that remained in my system was what he was going to do next. I had never seen anyone so angry. Not since . . . I cut myself off before I even left the memory infiltrate my mind. I just couldn't understand why he would ignore Alice like that, or why he would be upset. More to the point, why he would be this upset.

"Jasper?" I whispered his name. The syllables dancing from my tongue in a reverence that didn't fit in the moment yet I couldn't seem to stop.

The closer he got, the clearer he became, the clearer he became the more bruises I could see littering his handsome face. Edward's head lifted from my lap and looked in the direction of his sister and an almost indistinguishable Jasper. His legs swung over the side of the bench and he sat up, leaving me free to stand up.

Jasper stopped as soon as our eyes met, both of us were locked in; unable to say a word or even distinguish what the other was thinking. I could feel my hands shake as everything I had believed was resolved inside of me came tumbling down inside of my head. What had happened to him, what had changed so much in a month that he could hate me so very much?

Jasper broke eye contact first, his hands gripping his hair. He took two steps left then turned left then right. He looked so confused, so hurt. My hand reached out for him, and I took a cautious step forward, stopping only when his dangerous eyes flashed at me.

"You and _Edward_?" he spat Edward's name like it was laced with acid.

The realization dawned on me then. He thought Edward and I? That Edward and I were together? Didn't he know I loved him? How could he think that I . . .

"Jasper it's . . ."

"Spare me," he laughed bitterly. "I should have known."

I was aware of Edward standing up defensively behind me. I could see the fear in Alice's face as she appraised both men. I could she was weighing her options, help her friend or get her brother away from all this mess.

A mess I had caused.

Alice caught my eyes and I nodded, knowing what I needed to do. Jasper wouldn't hurt me, I knew that, and I had to talk to him, I had to explain that it wasn't what it appeared to be. I needed to let him know what I had been working out in my head all day.

Alice dropped his arm and walked towards her brother. She squeezed my hand as she passed.

"Come on, Edward," Alice said quietly. "I think they need to talk."

"Only if, Bella's comfortable."

I nodded, not even looking around. I didn't miss the sneer Jasper threw him either. I stood in silence, watching Jasper's eyes as he followed the two of them walking into the house. I knew the moment they were out of view, his accusing eyes turned to me immediately.

"Edward Masen, Bella?" he asked, squeezing his eyes closed as the anger seemed to dissipate.

"Jasper, we're . . ."

"Oh it's we now?" he growled throwing his hands in the air. His frustration was easy to read and it was grating on me, chipping away at the conclusion I had drawn. Chipping away at everything I had resolved. He was being an ass, he was making assumptions and wouldn't even let me talk. Every time I opened my mouth he cut me off. My anger was bubbling below the surface of my skin like molten lava. Could I have been wrong about him all along?

"What's the matter with you?" I hissed, the frustration evident in my voice. He was being unreasonable to say the least.

"Me? _Me_? You're the one tramping yourself out with other guys. How could you . . . of all the . . . he's a superficial . . . he doesn't know the real you, Bella."

Tramping myself out? It was nice to know he thought so highly of me. Whoever this was, it wasn't my Jasper, not the man I loved with every ounce of my being, this was a shell of him. A cruel inconsiderate guy who wouldn't even listen. I quashed every guilty feeling that seemed to ebb through me. Yes, I hadn't spoken to him in a month. Yes, it was a long time to ignore someone; but, if he knew me as he said he did, he should know this wasn't and never would have been an issue.

"At this point I would say he knows me a damn sight more than you do! Tramping myself out?"

Jasper tugged on the ends of his hair again as his eyes squeezed shut. It was a low blow but I was out to hurt him now, just the same way he was hurting me.

"Anything he doesn't know, I'm sure I can tell him, he's been honest with me. Which is more than I can say for you, Jasper."

Jasper recoiled as though I had slapped him, his face crumpled in pain. In this heated moment I was too angry to care. He hadn't even tried to give me an explanation yet. This was the first time we'd spoken since I left that morning, and all he seemed to care about was the situation he'd found me in with Edward. I had been more than willing to try and work things out, but I could see that I had been wrong in assuming it would ever work out between us. Did he really think that this behavior was endearing, that it would, in any way, make me want to work anything out with him?

"I came here to explain, I came here because I missed you and I wanted you to know everything, I came here because I . . ."

"Stop right there," I said, holding up my hands hoping he wouldn't say what I feared he was going to say. I didn't need to hear that in the middle of a screaming match. Not after everything that had happened, not again. I couldn't let him regain the power he had over me, it would destroy me.

"You've done nothing to explain, Jasper. You came here and accused me, you came here all mad and angry. Have you looked at yourself lately? Your face is bruised, you look like shit and I can only guess how you got that way."

"It's not like that, I'm just . . ."

"It's nothing to do with me anymore, Jasper," I whispered, hating myself for making another crease of pain and sadness etch itself into his face. My stomach was coiling into a disaster inside of me, I could feel the pain bubbling inside of me.

"Bella, don't do this."

"I'm not doing anything, Jasper. I haven't deserved anything you've said to me since you showed up, Alice didn't deserve to be treated as though she didn't exist, and Edward has been nothing but a friend to me."

Jasper mumbled something under his breath, but it was too quiet for me to catch. His eyes bore into mine waiting for them to meet his but I couldn't do it. I couldn't look into his eyes because I knew that I would be sucked in, the anger would dissipate leaving me vulnerable to him again.

As much as I wanted to forget all of this, as much as I wanted to be his, I couldn't let myself get hurt like that again, I couldn't let him hold that over me without knowing the story behind Lauren. I didn't even know if they were together. I hadn't given him the opportunity to explain again, and I wouldn't. I just had to let it go.

"I think you should go."

"Bella, please, just listen to what I have to say. I will leave afterward if you want me to, I won't bug you again, but you have to understand what happened. You have to know how I . . ."

"Jasper, please leave," I begged, cutting him off before he could say anything else. Before he could say something that would crumble the weak wall of defense I had built.

His arms reached out to me, but dropped between us when I stepped away from him.

"Bella," he whispered my name. The pain ingrained in the sound transferred directly into my heart making it heavy. I wanted to fall into his arms and tell him that none of it mattered, that all of this was just stupid and petty, I wanted to tell him that I loved him.

But I couldn't. He didn't trust me, he couldn't love me if he didn't trust me. I didn't even know I'd been holding on to that hope until it toppled from a corner of my mind and shattered me into a million sharp fragments of my former self. Why would he love me?

"Goodbye, Jasper."

I turned and ran towards the house. The sobs were building in my chest like a severe storm on the horizon. It rolled within me, constricting my throat, clouding my eyes. I didn't know if he'd left or if he was still standing there, but I couldn't look back. It was like a fork in the road, and both paths led to a pain I didn't want to feel anymore.

I barreled into the house and took off up the stairs, ignoring Edward and Alice standing in the living room waiting for me. I had promised myself that I would no longer react the way I had the first time around, but I just needed a little while to compose myself, to mask my bleeding heart.

I threw myself on the bed, questions filling my head.

How could things have gone so wrong so quickly? How could he have accused me of something I had neither done, nor even considered?

Such a double standard on both sides of the fence I guessed. I assumed that he was with Lauren, when I could have been completely wrong, and yet I had just gotten upset at him for making the same assumption. There wasn't anybody else that would assume that though, everyone seemed to know we were just friends. They knew Edward and I shared the common denominator. Heartache.

Then there was his double standard. If he was indeed seeing Lauren, which I assumed he was seeing her as he hadn't put much effort into defending his name, then how could he fault me for moving on? I hadn't and I doubted I would, but to know that he thought I was capable of that . . . it sickened me a little.

There was a light tapping at the door and I considered leaving it alone and ignoring it, but I didn't want to push everyone away, I didn't want this to beat me again.

"Come in, Alice." My voice sounded worn and unused, the sobs ghost hung on every word.

Alice stepped in the room pushing the door closed behind herself. She came to sit next to me on the bed, her fingers ran through my hair as I stared into oblivion. I wondered how much she'd heard. It wasn't as though Jasper and I had been loud, but I doubted it was hard to ignore the hostility in our body language.

"What happened?"

"He accused me of whoring around with Edward."

"What?" Alice sounded shocked, and I could only imagine the look on her face right now. Denial, disbelief, and disappointment. The three D's.

"I knew he must be upset," Alice sighed, her hand disappearing from my hair. "He's been boxing again. He's does that when he suffers from emotions he can't process."

"I thought he hated boxing?" I sniffled, rolling onto my side and curling into a small ball.

"That's what he tells himself. But he hates it because his dad enjoys it. It was always something his dad wanted him to do, so he rejected it. He goes to the gym with Embry most nights now, he's lost his edge, but he won't quit, and he won't let Embry not fight him."

"That's ridiculous," I sighed angrily. What the hell did he think he was doing? Boxing the pain away? Looking for a fight where there wasn't one just so he had an excuse to beat the living crap out of something?

"It is, but better that than alcohol or drugs right?"

"If you say so."

A sob rolled from my throat, and I covered my mouth with my hand. "That's not how I saw that conversation going. I was going to apologize, try and talk things out, but he was so angry."

"I know," Alice said, wrapping her arms around me. "Don't give up on him yet."

I didn't answer her, I just cried. Hoping that I would get it out of my system, and it would deplete the memory of him with it.

"Bella, I don't pretend to understand any of this, but one thing I am sure of, is that Jasper loves you."

"Alice, stop, please."

"Why don't you want to hear it? I thought . . ."

"So did I, but I think . . . I think too much has happened to go back. I love him, Alice, there's nothing I can do to change that. I can stop him from hurting me again though. I have to do this for me. I have to move on."

"Bella, today was . . . well, it was weird, but you can't give up now. I know he was mad, and I tried to explain that it wasn't what he thought it was, but he was beyond consolation. I've never seen him like that. Ever."

"Alice, I know he's your best friend, and I really don't want to make this weird for you, if I have to leave, I will, but I can't do this now, I can't let myself get hurt like this again."

Alice fell into a loaded silence. Her forehead was pressed against her knees as she hid her sadness from me, I could tell that she was hoping this would work out. Unfortunately, the hope I had felt when I had made my decision to see him was gone.

I didn't know what I was supposed to do now. How I was supposed to proceed, there was nothing left for me here in Forks now other than my friend, Alice. I felt guilty about that because I was sure my being here was putting a strain on her friendship with Jasper, and that was the last thing I wanted.

Jasper needed her now, I wasn't assuming that he was pining over me or that I was good enough for him to be distraught over, I had seen his face today, I had watched his pain as it rolled across his eyes in waves. He was hurting and I was part of that, he didn't need to be boxing, he needed his friend to talk to.

"Alice," I mumbled, as the words settled into my heart heavily. "You should go to him, he needs his friend."

"Bella, what do I do, say, I don't know how to stop him from hurting."

"Be his friend, Ali, stop him from boxing. You're his best friend, everything was great until I showed up and ruined it all."

"Don't you start that, Bella. If you're thinking about taking off, so help me God . . ."

"No, I promise, I won't go anywhere."

Alice looked at me, then the door. There was a hopelessness in the way she looked that made my chest hurt and my heart squeeze under my ribs. I knew I wished I could be the one going to him, but I couldn't. Not now, not ever.

"Go," I whispered, propping myself up on my elbows. "I'll be fine, I promise."

Alice rolled onto her knees and climbed form the bed, her anguish worn plainly on her face. I knew she wanted to ask me to go with her, I knew I wanted to say yes, but I couldn't. I hoped the look I gave her conveyed that.

She nodded and turned on her heel, walking from the room and pulling the door closed behind her.

I crumpled the moment the click sounded in my room. Silent tears ran down the sides of my cheeks falling onto my arms heavily. The finality of it crushed me and my fingers gripped the expensive material of the comforter. This was it, this was the end and it was killing me inside, because I loved him, and I doubted I would ever stop.

~*~

I woke with a start, realizing I must have fallen asleep in the midst of my silent breakdown. My chest still ached and my eyes burned from the tears that had spilled before I had let go of consciousness.

Darkness shrouded the room leaving no shadows. It was as though the darkness had swallowed me whole. If not for the comfort of the expensive bed, I could have easily been lying under the bridge on a moonless night. The pain was the same, an echoing emptiness residing heavily in the center of my chest.

"Bella?" The voice on the other side of the door startled me fully awake. I'd forgotten Edward was here.

"Come in, Edward."

The door cracked open splashing light across the hardwood floors, it filled the room illuminating everything in it's dull glow, my eyes narrowed at the offending light, I could have cared less whether they adjusted or not, but they did. Edward's silhouette stood in the door, his eyes adjusting to the dark of the room.

He didn't turn on the light as he walked into the room, he just strode silently to the bed. He climbed onto the top of it on all fours and crawled towards me in silence. Neither of us said a word as he settled beside me. It was as though he knew that I needed company.

After one breath, I was in his arms crying into his shoulder. He held me close letting me cry, there was nothing intimate involved, just a friend consoling me as I let the feeling free within myself.

It was right to send Alice to Jasper. He needed someone to do this for him, someone to hold him if he needed to break down, someone to make the pain subside as he pushed it out of him. This was different from being consoled by Alice, Edward's arms were strong and reassuring, his chest broad and masculine. So much like the ones I craved.

"Are you okay?"

"Just a bad day," I sniffled, hiding my face in his shirt.

"This is my fault, if I hadn't of been there when he showed up, everything would be fine."

"Edward, you're my friend. I am at your house. You did nothing wrong. Jasper made assumptions and nothing I said or did that could change that."

"He thought . . .?" Edward asked, trailing off, unable to say the words.

I nodded into his chest, and his arms tightened around me. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't," I sobbed, pushing away from him so I could see his face in the dull glow of the light from the hall."You have nothing to apologize for."

"I just hate seeing you so upset."

"Nature of the beast," I mumbled.

Edward chuckled.

I took control of myself after that. Knowing I was making Edward feel guilty only made things worse, it's why I had sent Alice away, and here I was doing the same thing to Edward. It hardly seemed fair.

"Bet your glad you came home, huh?"

"You certainly make life interesting, Bella," he chuckled, squeezing me gently in his arms. "But I am glad I came home."

I didn't know what to make of his answer. There was something behind the words that I couldn't figure out, I wasn't sure I wanted to, so I let it go. It was easier that way.

We talked for a while after that, Edward didn't let go of me once, and I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about that either. I asked about Alice, but Edward had said she wasn't home yet. I couldn't say I was surprised. If Jasper felt anything like I did, I knew they would have a lot to talk about.

I just had to learn to let go. I couldn't keep dragging my heart through this, I'd had enough for a life time, and I wasn't sure where I was headed, but it couldn't be backwards, no matter how much my heart pulled me in that direction. I had no choice but to protect myself, I couldn't do that again.

I just hoped after all was said and done, time would heal the wounds that gaped inside of me.

* * *

**A/N: Let's hope this works shall we!! This whole website has been acting funky, So we shall see!! I'm thinking I may need to go into hiding after this and take poor Jasper with me. I have a feeling he just may be 1) Jacked 2) Punched in the Peen or 3) Punched in the nose.**

**So not the conversation you were expecting I know! He messed up, BIG TIME!!! I wish I could give you more but you want the next chapter to be a surprise right?**

**Big hugz to my hand holders and extended family, miztrezboo and bemylullaby, you guys are awesome, and seriously any of their fics are amazing.**

**To the reviewers . . . you guys are absolutely amazing and you got me over 1,000, in fact I think it's over 1,100 now and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I wish there was some way to express that . . . no I won't give up the pairing lol!!! Nice try though! How about a sneak peek in the review replies lol LUV YOU ALL!!!**

**Much love/big hugz ~ Weezy ~  
**


	22. Which Way is Up?

All things Twilight belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer :) It's TGUT Tuesday in Australia ;)

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* * *

Which Way is Up?****  
****  
**_Let's show them the only way__  
__Let's sew up their hearts__  
__Distorted light moves in__  
__Or am I mistaken?__  
__It feels so cold...__  
__There goes today__  
__It slowly fades...slowly fades away__  
_**_Starts With One - Shiny Toy Guns_**

* * *

My plan to move on wasn't going as well as I'd hoped. In fact, it was confusing as all hell and seemed to make things go from complicated to one big mess.

The night Edward had consoled me after my fight with Jasper, something changed. It wasn't one of those deliberate slap you in the face kind of changes, it was slowly progressive. I had noticed something that night but chose to ignore it. The rest was beyond my sight. I hadn't noticed a thing.

Edward had been spending more time with me than he normally did. He would open doors, touch me, watch me, it was creepy and flattering all in the same breath but I couldn't remember when it got to this stage. More than that, I couldn't pinpoint when I started liking it.

I felt horribly conflicted most of the time. When I was with Edward, everything felt good, bearable, like I could make it through another day without thinking too hard about Jasper. Then, when I was alone, the guilt and the pain seemed to consume me. I was doing the very thing Jasper had accused me of. I had fallen into that pattern.

Alice hadn't noticed anything, the changes were so subtle that I wasn't entirely sure they just weren't in my head. So I carried on, trying to ignore the closeness and whatever it was that was going on between us. If there was anything.

Alice had managed to drag Jasper back into group activities with them all and I bowed out most days I knew he was going to be there, and not only for my own comfort or the overwhelming guilt that seemed to eat me alive. They were Jasper's friends and had been long before I'd shown up. I had no claim on them, and I refused to make him alienated.

Edward hung back with me when I insisted on staying home. At first it made me uncomfortable, but I knew it wasn't entirely for my benefit. Jasper and Edward didn't particularly get along anyway, they tolerated one another, but even that tenuous bond was strained because of me.

It was almost a month before Edward made his official move. We were in the Masen's family room, strewn about the over-sized couches. Alice was in La Push with Jacob, and the rain was pelting against the windows making it impossible to sit outside.

We were laid on either end of the couch, our heads sharing a pillow in the middle as we watched an action movie. The explosions echoed from the walls with the surround sound system, making some of their decorative china rattle in the display cases.

Another bad guy had been inexplicably blown up, the gore made me hide my head in the pillow. Sure I loved horror movies, but it didn't mean I didn't get grossed out when limbs were being ripped from a corpse.

Edward chuckled from above me and I felt the subtle movement as he rolled onto his stomach. His fingers gently ran through my hair as the couch shook with his laughter. This kind of touching was now the norm. He always touched my hair, or my cheeks, his fingers brushing against the palms of my hand as though he were considering holding it and weighing my reaction.

"It's over," he laughed again. I could tell he was waiting for me to look up, but my stomach flipped, and I had no idea why. "Bella?"

I raised my head, my eyebrows high on my forehead as my hands covered my eyes. I separated my fingers to look through them, and let them fall as the hero ran through the streets of a European city dragging along the gorgeous blond behind him.

I let out the breath I was holding and giggled. I knew I was such a contradiction, but I couldn't help myself. In my defense, this was action and not horror. This was a little bit closer to reality than what I was used to.

I felt Edward move, but thought nothing of it, I suspected he was rolling back to his original position to see the huge television. It wasn't until his hand cupped my cheek and tilted my head towards his did I begin to panic. Did I want this? I knew I liked him but it felt too soon. Was like enough to do this? Was it fair to act like this when I knew I loved someone else?

I hadn't even made it through the process of my thoughts when his lips touched mine with a gentle hesitance. I knew that he was unsure of how I would react. Before I could even process this, I was kissing him back, my fingers tangling in the smooth bronze hair at the back of his neck, holding him to me as I deepened the kiss, my lips parting, accepting his tongue into my mouth. I rolled onto my back giving him a better vantage spot.

It was so different to the kisses I had shared with Jasper, but it wasn't bad. Just not the same.

Edward rolled onto his knees, pushing me down into the pillow as he kissed me in our twisted position. His head pulled back from mine his nose brushing along my chin as he took my bottom lip between his two full ones. His hands came to rest on either side of my head as his lips ventured to the apples of my cheeks, and my closed eyes.

Then he was gone.

I let my eyes flutter open and searched for him. He was still above me just higher up, looking down at me with an oddly satisfied smile on his face. His green eyes were glowing.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," he whispered, sweeping down and kissing my nose. "And you didn't disappoint."

I felt my blush attack after that. Typical! _Way to take a compliment, Bella_.

I rolled onto my knees and looked at him, trying to keep the confusion from showing in my eyes. I didn't want to hurt him, and I may have to do some serious thinking later, but for now, I just wanted his lips on mine again. It made it so easy to forget everything, to push everything aside. I was selfish, I knew it, but I couldn't stop myself from lunging at him, my arms tangling around his shoulders as I pressed my lips against his with more force.

It didn't take him long to react, his arm closed around me, crushing me against his chest as his other hand tangled in my hair. He tasted sweet, his skin was warm and flushed against mine. His lips, were firm as his tongue brushed against my swelling bottom lip. I parted my lips, tilting my head a little so I could get more.

My mind was gloriously blank, my body taking over as I pushed against him, my hand rubbing through his thick hair, tugging gently on the fistfuls I caught in the palm of my hand. The fire in my body was dull in comparison, but I swept that from my mind, I didn't want to think. I just wanted to indulge.

Edward was the first to move, but his lips never left my body, they swept over my cheek and up my jaw until he reached my ear. He nibbled on the fleshy lobe, making my head lean again his. My breaths were loud, even with the explosions rocking the room around us. We were so close, my chest rubbed against his with every breath I took.

He kissed just below my ear as he pulled away. His breathing labored as we just stayed in the embrace, our chests now rising and falling together. His hands ran down the length of my hair to my waist as he tightened his embrace. I could feel his smile against my shoulder, his cheeks rising as his lips curled into that lopsided smile.

"Thank you," he whispered, his forehead falling into my neck.

The guilt was there still in the aftermath, but it had eased with my own actions. I had made the move that time, my motivations may have been completely selfish, but I hadn't shied away, I hadn't even thought about it. I had selfishly enjoyed it.

"Thank you."

I pushed away from him a little, his arms loosened a little, letting me move. I turned to the side a little and laid down grabbing his shirt on the way down. I wanted to be next to his warmth a little longer and he seemed happy to oblige. He slid down behind me and wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling my back flush against his chest. I settled into him and focused my eyes on the TV, just glad of the closeness for now. Everything else I would figure out later.

I wasn't ready to rush into anything, I knew that, and I was sure Edward was in the same situation. He loved Kate enough to consider marrying her. That had to mean something. She pushed him away so I could only imagine that he was hurting worse, that he was the one feeling rejected. I wasn't sure how that worked out with Jasper and I. We were both stupid and impulsive, and it had worked against us.

For now, Edward and I were enjoying the others company. I had no hopes, and I was certain he felt the same way. I doubted that this was going to escalate into something quickly, at least I hoped it wouldn't. Edward had his whole future ahead of him, he was going back to college eventually, and he knew nothing about me or where I had been or what I had been through. Jasper had been right. He didn't know the core of who I was.

The stories from La Push filled my head again. Was he still the same person he had been then, below this gentle, tender exterior? If he was, my history would bother him, he would look down on me and tell his parents they were harboring a fugitive. They surely wouldn't tolerate that.

If the Edward I knew was who he seemed to be, I wasn't so sure of his reaction. I knew it wouldn't be as harsh as the former, but he could still reject me. Could I handle another rejection?

I stiffened as the thoughts echoed around my head. Edward leaned forward and kissed my neck, pulling the cashmere blanket from the back of the couch and draped it over us. He'd misinterpreted the reaction, but I appreciated his actions all the same.

I could drive myself insane with these questions and still not get anywhere. Maybe I was worrying about nothing. I didn't know. But then the future had always been an uncertainty. Maybe that was something else I needed to let go of. Maybe throwing caution to the wind and letting the chips fall where they may was a better way of living life. It's how things had been on the street. Taking one day at a time, never knowing what the future had in store for me.

I turned my attention back to the screen and tried to concentrate on the pictures rather than the arm draped over me.

Edward and I didn't kiss again for a while after that night, it wasn't that we hadn't wanted to but Alice started spending more time with us. I wasn't sure if she was aware of what was going, or even what she thought about it. I didn't have the guts to ask her. We flirted with one another shamelessly, our looks lasting longer than they should, our touches lingering too long.

Within two weeks, Alice seemed to have had enough and decided that it was time to talk about it. She cornered me in my room while I was curled up in my bed alone, reading a book. It wasn't unusual to find me like that. I had missed having access to books, and I was making the most of it while I could.

"Hey, Bella, do you mind if I talk to you for a minute?"

I could here how tense her voice was, it immediately pulled my attention from the book to her. I could see the hesitation on her face; she looked awkward. I had never seen Alice look that way before.

"What is it, Al?" I said patting the bed beside me. I moved so I was sat up, pulling my knees to my chest and resting my chin on them as I watched her move.

"I hope you don't think I'm prying, if it's none of my business say so, and I'll butt out."

"Okay, but you know I won't do that."

There was a faint trace of a smile on her lips as she crossed her legs under her and faced me. "I know."

I could almost see the cogs of her mind working as she tried to figure out how to work her question. It was making me more nervous than if she'd simply just blurted it out. The anticipation was killing me.

"Do you and Edward have something going on?"

I blew out all the air I had in my lungs as I deliberated my answer. Truth be told, I wasn't even sure of the answer myself, we'd kissed almost two weeks ago, and since then it was simply flirting and touching. I knew she'd noticed that too, it's where her assumption had come from.

"I don't know," I answered honestly, steeling myself for her reaction.

"You don't know?" she laughed visibly relaxing. "What don't you know?"

"We kissed, once, but that was two weeks ago, and I'm fine with that, but there's the lingering touches, the side glances. I think we're still friends who just had a moment of weakness, but I can't be sure."

Alice fell on her back as she hit the bed laughing, her legs pulled into her chest as her tintinnabulation filled the room. I watched her, giggling as she clutched her sides. Her breaths heaving in and out of her chest.

"_What_ is so funny?"

"Because Edward said the same thing when I asked him. He wanted to leave the ball in your court, he didn't know how you felt about the whole situation."

"I still don't know," I sighed, looking down at my hands that were playing with the edge of the leather bound book I'd been reading. I was trying to concentrate on my voice.

"Don't be confused, just let it happen. And, well, this wasn't the only thing I came in here to talk to you about," she sobered up immediately and pulled herself up so she was sitting again.

She gripped the hand I was picking at the edge of the book with. She squeezed it gently, letting me know that I should look at her. I didn't know if I was capable but I managed it, hoping my face showed a calm and serene mask that I was nowhere near feeling.

"Lauren comes back next week. I wanted you to know because, well she'll be around. You can't avoid Jasper forever, and he understands that there can't be anything between you. He also has an idea that Edward likes you. He just wants to know you're happy."

I tried to ignore the traitorous tears that slipped down my cheeks, I brushed them roughly with the heel on my hands, fighting the urge to bury my head in my knees. Just like that, I was torn between moving forward and stepping backwards again.

Unfortunately, this new information made it impossible to go back. Over was my chance to talk to him, over was my chance at anything. It hurt like hell.

"It's not wrong to want to move on with your life, Bella, he can't hold it against you," she said, pausing as though something had occurred to her. "You can't hold it against yourself. You need to take chances. People get hurt all the time, and I won't lie, it's never fun, but it's a consequence of letting people in. It's like you said to me, when you love, you give them the power to break you, but you can't let it _defeat_ you."

"I'm so confused."

Alice rolled onto her knees and wrapped her arms around me shoulders, pulling me into her.

"Then take your time, go at your own pace. You know what you're comfortable with."

I nodded, she was right. I had to trust myself, I had to let go of everything that had or could happen in the future, it was only holding me back.

"Thanks, Alice."

"No problem," she smiled and stood up on the bed, dancing to the edge before lithely hopping off the edge. "I'm sneaking out to be with Jacob, but you have my phone number if you need me."

"I do," I grinned. "Have fun, Alice."

"Always," she laughed, before winking once and disappearing through the door.

I thought long and hard before I was able to let it go. I had to think to get the thoughts from my mind. They rolled around in my head like one of those stupid ball bearing maze games, bouncing off the other thoughts that seemed to make it all the more jumbled.

I didn't freeze up this time, I didn't hide from my pain, not for a second. I went on living, continuously letting the thoughts scramble everything. It took a little while to figure it all out and stop over thinking it. I discarded everything and decided that for once, I was just going to be me, let things happen and let the chips fall where they may. All my mind seemed to do is get me deeper into trouble, and bring me more pain.

I was wandering the grounds when I had my epiphany. The snow had long gone, but the air was still crisp, a small bite to the air. The wind picked up as I passed the tree with the bench circling it. The reminder of the last time I had sat there filled my memory, but I pushed it aside. I had just decided to no longer dwell and over think things.

I picked up my pace and headed towards the house as the cold assaulted my nose and cheeks. I burst through the door letting the heat send a shiver down my spine. I peeled off the layer that I had put on, and drank in the warmth that now surrounded me.

I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling.

"You look happy," Edward whispered in my ear, a smile hinting at the cusp of his words.

He was close to me, I could feel his breath, I could feel the heat of his body close to mine. My chest was rising and falling as I let my lips curl into a smile. I chastised myself for taking an extra beat to think. Then, without even opening my eyes, turned to tangle my hands in the hair I knew was close. His lips met mine with a hunger that hadn't been there before, I spun in his arms, molding my body to his as I sunk deeper into the unknown.

It was just like before, I didn't have to think, I just had to be. I just had to enjoy it while I could, take what I could get and make the most of it. I was finally able to act upon instinct alone.

His arms wrapped tightly around my waist bending my body to his as my jacket fell to the floor. With both of my arms free, I wrapped them tightly around his neck, letting my tongue slide along his full lips, begging for what I needed now.

He obliged, his lips parting allowing me to deepen the kiss. It was like a graceful dance between us, our tongues in perfect symmetry as our lips pressed against the others. We clung to one another, seemingly needing more as the kiss deepened.

His fingers gripped and squeezed the spots he was holding as my hands tightened in his bronze hair holding him closer. It was heated and frenzied for a while before our movements slowed, our hands stilling and relaxing.

He pulled away from me with a smile, his hand taking mine as he bent at the waist and grabbed my jacket from the floor as he lunged towards the stairs. He took two at a time, obviously forgetting my legs weren't half as long as his.

"Where are we going?" I asked breathlessly trying to keep a grasp on my breath.

"Family room, my parents are due back any minute. I don't think they would approve of me taking advantage of my sisters beautiful best friend."

"Taking advantage of me?" I huffed, pulling on his hand, trying to slow him.

"You know what I mean."

I giggled, and it felt good to do it.

Edward pulled me into the family room and pulled me down onto the couch with him. His lips were instantly on mine as soon as I was on his lap, I twisted in his arms, slinging my arms around his neck and pulling him to me. I fell into the moment letting my lips loose on his, his hands gripped and squeezed my hips as we kissed. Again, I found my hands tugging and pulling in his hair as though he would escape if I didn't.

It was a primal need, nothing so driving as it had been with . . . I skipped the name purposely . . . just primal, instinctual, in the moment. I could feel his stubble rubbing against my skin, burning me with a pleasurable pain.

He broke away again, his green eyes sparkling with excitement. It was disorientating at first but I resisted the urge to compare anything. This was now, I had to live now.

We were both panting, our chests rising and falling as we simply stared at one another with smiles.

"Listen, I know that this is still sudden for you, it is for me too, but I think that we could have fun together, maybe something could grow, maybe it won't but . . ."

"I don't want to think about it, Edward, I over think everything. At least I have since I got here. I just want to be spontaneous and have fun. If something does happen, if something does grow, then that's great, but for now, I just want to enjoy you. We have a great friendship and, well . . . I mean . . . well I won't be . . . um . . ."

"I won't be seeing anyone else either," he laughed, kissing my nose. "Thank you for making that easier."

I laughed again and buried my face in his neck, the blush was stinging my cheeks making them warm against the smooth skin of his neck. It was all true, everything I'd said. I felt comfortable around him, I enjoyed his friendship, and I couldn't exactly complain about his kisses either.

"Wanna watch a movie?"

"Sure," I smiled. I had enjoyed cuddling with him the last time.

He grabbed the remotes and looked for something suitably gory before grinning at me again.

"I see, you want me to use you as a human shield."

"What, I can't help it if I find your girlish squeals appealing," he laughed, lifting me and pulling me to his chest.

I kissed his arm gently, and watched as the carnage on the screen began. He tightened his grip on me as his lips ran along the curve of my neck, it was distracting, but in a good way. I linked my fingers with those of his that lay on my stomach and tried to keep my mind clear of anything other than what was going on it this room.

I owed myself that much.

Every time I got to close to thinking, I turned my head, searching for Edward's lips as a release. It was wonderfully distracting, but I couldn't help the surge of guilt coursing through me at my selfishness. I did want to be here, I did, in some oddly drawing capacity, want Edward. I just couldn't help the burning in the back of my mind. I knew it would fade with time.

I turned to kiss Edward again with more enthusiasm, throwing myself into the moment. I rolled onto my back beside him as my free hand tangled into his hair. I just hoped that I would never hurt him as much as Kate had hurt him, or Jasper had hurt me.

I felt one of his hands travel up my shirt and over the planes of my stomach, his soft fingers dancing over my skin, leaving little prickles of heat. I grasped onto that feeling and smiled around his lips. I wouldn't let it go any further than this, but his fingers were sending spasms of fire throughout my body, the numbness was finally falling away bit by bit, and I was allowing myself to feel again.

I needed that.

With a small part of myself crumbling away, I was able to grasp onto the feeling with both hands, and dive in.

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**A/N: Okay, so I know that there's a pretty even divide right now. Some are happy about the new developments, others . . . not so much. You may also wonder what the hell Alice is doing! It will be explained I promise. Try to remember this is only Chapter 22 of 43. There's a lot more to come ;)**

**A huge thank you to my brand spankin' new beta, cravingtwilight, who is for all intents and purposes, a neighbor, well sure there's a couple hundred miles in between, but you get the picture.**

**Thank you to miztrezboo and bemylullaby for hand holding! My triplets are amazing, and I am just going to keep nagging y'all . . . read their fics, they're amazing . . . links on my profile :D**

**Also on my profile, the link to the fornication contest, where the voting is now open for the save a horse ride a cowboy contest :D . . . I think there are 12 fics over there to check out, and they're all amazing :D**

**Thank you so much to the Reviewers. You guys are amazing you are always so passionate and it stuns me. Thank you so much for sticking with me :) Thank you to the forum girls too!! You know who you are and you're the reason this is being posted early!! PLEASE GO TO THE BATHROOM NOW!!!!**

**Much love ~ Hug Hugz ~ Weezy ~  
**


	23. Masking the Problematic

_**All things Twilight belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer. Happy TGUTB Tuesday :)**_

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Masking the Problematic**

_And you know the difference it makes _  
_And you know all that he takes _  
_Is love, so he won't break _  
_He won't break _  
_**So He Won't Break - The Black Keys**_

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**_Edward and I spent two glorious weeks together after that one night of self awareness. I had come to terms with everything and I had made peace with my decision. So I threw myself into concentrating on Edward alone. It was definitely different.

Edward took me out, a lot. He insisted on dating first, so we made trips to Port Angeles, Sequim and Hoquaim. We went out to dinner, watched movies, went wandering around stores we would never buy anything in.

We talked, laughed, kissed and cuddled. Edward always the perfect gentleman, wanting to know more and more about me. I was still nervous about telling him my past, he was curious why I wasn't in school, where my parents were and why they never called.

The questions got more difficult to answer, and I refused to lie to him. I knew I would have to explain soon, but I didn't know when or how, and I still wasn't sure how he was going to react. I knew he accepted Jake now, I had seen them together and it was as though nothing had ever happened. Yet, my situation was entirely different. I had been homeless, I lived under a bridge for two years of my life, begging for food and scraps, just hoping to make it through the next day.

He seemed to respect my privacy. He never pushed, but there were always new questions to replace the ones I hadn't answered.

Alice had been my confidante when I felt helpless. She told me she would be there regardless, but that wouldn't stop him from going to their parents, if that's the path he chose. I respected them as much as I respected Alice and Edward, they were always so kind and accepting.

If they found out, I would be humiliated, and there was always a chance they would call the police. I wasn't sure if being caught or being rejected scared me the most.

I had to tread carefully, so I was biding my time until I was sure.

Emmett and Rosalie came home from New York at the end of March, it was spring break and Emmett's 21st birthday, and he was throwing a party. The whole of Forks was going to be there, and I was beginning to get nervous. Mainly because the whole of Forks included Jasper and Lauren. I wasn't sure I was ready to face that, I didn't know what I had to be prepared for.

"You don't have to go, Bella," Edward insisted, as I finished with my hair and make up. Alice had let me borrow one of her dresses and it was, of course, short as hell on me.

"Edward, leave her alone," Alice sighed, pulling on her shoes as she came back in my room.

"I just don't want her to feel pressured into this."

I gave Alice a small smile. She and I had talked about this, she knew how I felt, and she knew how Jasper felt. She was, as always, stuck in the middle, and I wouldn't try and ask her questions, I hadn't before and I refused to now. Anything that needed to pass between Jasper and I shouldn't need a mediator. Tonight, my main concern was Edward. I knew how difficult this would be for him, because I knew, if for some reason Kate would be at this party, I would feel the same way too.

I wrapped my arms around his waist, resting my chin on his chest so I could look up at him. His wary green eyes met mine, and I felt a pang of guilt rush through my body. Guilt, because I wasn't completely his yet, guilt because I knew this was going to test the boundaries of his already tenuous relationship with Jasper, and guilt because there was a small tinge of excitement hidden below my nerves.

"I know this is going to be awkward, Edward, but Emmett is one of your best friends, he's one of my friends, and I won't be kept away from that because of Jasper. This was going to happen sooner or later. Maybe it's better that it's sooner."

"Like a band aid," Alice interjected.

"Exactly," I said, turning my head to grin at her. I looked back up at Edward. "I will be by your side all night."

"You make it sound like I don't trust you," Edward said, bending himself so his forehead touched mine and his warm breath bathed my skin. "You know that's not the case."

"Of course I know." And I did, Edward seemed to realize that my word was my bond. He seemed to realize that even though I still felt emotionally connected to Jasper, I would not betray him.

"If you feel uncomfortable, you'll tell me? You won't play off this self-sacrificing shit you're so good at?"

Alice's laughter pealed through the room. They both knew me well, it was the kind of thing I could see myself doing, staying in an impossibly awkward situation so they wouldn't feel the need to leave. What they didn't factor in was my apparent transparency, if I was uncomfortable, they would see it, it was a vicious cycle.

"I won't. The minute I feel uncomfortable, one of you will be the first to know."

Edward kissed my nose and stepped out of my embrace, his hands wrapped around the tops of my arms as he drank me in. He shook his head with a small smile. "You look amazing."

I rolled my eyes. I was wearing a short olive green dress that resembled a world War II flight shirt, the waist of it hung low on my hips, and finished barely mid thigh. I was wearing a pair of black leather boots that Rosalie had given me, they came up to my knees, and the heel was a little higher than I was used to. It didn't feel all that special, but the way Edward was looking at me, made me blush.

"You really do, Bella," Alice added, giving me a wink as she checked herself out one last time. "Now lets go before we're late and Emmett makes us do shots."

Edward took my hand in his and gave it a squeeze before we followed Alice out of the room.

Emmett's house was just as big as every other house I'd been to, but it was slightly more modern. The curved driveway pulled up to a circular bricked drive that passed by the front door and then forked off in one direction and curled back on itself the other.

Oddly, it suited his personality.

The door of the car was opened before the vehicle had even stopped moving, and I found myself being pulled out of it by Rosalie, who'd managed to unhook my seat belt in the process. Her blond hair hung loose of her shoulders as she pulled me into a huge hug.

"I missed you guys," she whispered, holding me at arms length so she could get a better look at me. "Nice use of the boots, by the way, they look great."

"Thanks," I laughed as I was pulled into a bear hug by Emmett.

"Bella, so glad to see you stuck around in my absence."

"What?"

"Ignore him, he's a pompous, yet lovable ass," Rosalie laughed, giving Edward a huge hug.

I gave Edward a grin as I was pulled inside the house under Emmett's arm, the music was blaring and the huge rooms of the lower levels were already pretty full. He weaved his way through the bodies talking to people and shaking hands, accepting birthday wishes graciously before he introduced me to people. There were people everywhere. It unnerved me a little to be in the middle of it all with the evening's focal point.

I couldn't see anyone else I knew within my line of vision. If it hadn't been for Emmett's huge frame still lingering beside me, with his arm hung over my shoulder, I was sure I would have panicked.

"I hear you and Edward . . ." Emmett laughed, making obscene gestures with his hands in front of my face when we finally had a second to talk.

I slapped him on the stomach and laughed. "No, we're just enjoying each others company, Emmett. Don't be so crude."

Emmett's guffaw of a laugh filled the air around us, drawing eyes in our direction. I tried to ignore the curious glances of strangers as I laughed with him. He was always so easy to get along with, even when he was teasing.

I looked around the room again to see if I could spot Edward or Alice, even Rosalie or Jacob would be helpful, but there was nobody.

"Where did everyone go?"

"Bar or the pool would be my first guess."

"How many people do you have here?"

"Who knows?" he answered, his eyes now focusing on something across the room. His eyes lit up and he nodded, giving me a quick glance as he stole his arm back from around my shoulders

"Sorry, Bella, I'll be right back," he grinned, taking off into the crowd, skipping through a small gathering of scantily clad girls that were dancing provocatively not far from us. Their eyes followed him as he moved, and they leaned into one another as he passed them up. It was interesting to see other peoples' reactions to these ethereal people; I was starting to believe it was all in my head.

I took a deep breath and looked around the large room. The body of people seemed to sway with the music creating a surreal looking motion in the room. I hadn't seen this many people since the night I officially met Jasper on the streets of Seattle all those months ago. The faces seemed to flutter to me, but my curiosity seemed to stave off the inevitable. It took a while before the realization hit.

I was left alone in the middle of the room.

My heart thudded in my chest as I looked around. I could see more curious glances on me as I searched the sea of faces for one I recognized. I came up empty, and the beating of my heart became a pounding sound in my ears.

I tried to calm myself down. There really wasn't anything to worry about. I was at Emmett's house, surrounded by his friends. This wasn't a dangerous trek to the heart of Seattle after the drunks took over the streets. Even though some people had that same glazed over appearance.

I looked around the room wondering where the bar was, I figured that would be the best place to start. There was a couple stood next to me and the girl smiled tentatively at me. I figured she seemed friendly enough that she would point me in the right direction.

"Do you know where the bar is?" I shouted over the music.

The girl pointed towards the door Emmett and I had come in and smiled. "Head to the foyer, on the other side is the dining room, if you go through there, it'll take you into the study, the door ahead of you should be the game room where the bar is."

"Thanks," I squeaked, and she nodded in answer. It was getting louder in this room with every growing second, only making me more anxious about being alone.

I slid past the couple and tried to make my way through the wall of people that just seemed to get thicker and thicker. This was insane. In truth I'd never been to a house party before, but even this seemed like a little bit more than the average house party. This was like one of those clubs you'd see in Los Angeles or somewhere like that.

I almost made it to the foyer unscathed when I felt a hand grab my ass and squeeze. I spun around quickly, eyeing the guys behind me furtively. Whoever it was showed no sign of guilt, there wasn't even an indication of who it could be, their eyes were on the people they were taking to.

I backed up a couple steps so I could put enough distance between me and them before turning around. I stumbled into someone and rocked on my heels. I tried to get my balance before falling over, and for once managed to stay vertical, a feat for me.

"Watch where you're going you stupid bitch," a nasally voice reprimanded me.

I spun around to apologize, but my heart was in my throat when I came face to face with the girl I had walked into. Her hard face was scowling at me, but that wasn't what stopped my voice from projecting my apologies. It was the tall handsome guy that she had her arms wrapped around that stopped me. Her hands were tangled into the mass of blond hair at the base of his neck.

My flee instinct kicked into overdrive as the blue eyes full of shock and confusion found mine. My heart was in my throat, I barely registered the anger fluttering over the expressive face.

I looked to the girl, bewildered. I knew exactly who she was now and I felt sick. This was what I had been avoiding. This was why I hadn't wanted to be left alone.

"Sorry," I mumbled halfheartedly, and stumbled into the crowd that was gathered by the door.

I tried to push my way through and keep my composure at the same time, my throat had a lump the size of a tennis ball lodged in it. I was begging myself to keep it together long enough to get outside, bewilderment was the only thing I could attribute to my success.

I'd known he was going to be here, I knew there was a chance of her being here too, but seeing them together threw me through a loop. I hadn't been prepared for that. I should have been, but I wasn't.

A guy close to the foyer wrapped his arms around my waist and mumbled about where the fire was, but I ignored him, pushing roughly away from his chest as I continued to fight my way to the door. It wasn't until I reached a pocket of empty space that I felt I could really breathe.

"Bella, stop," Jasper shouted. I could tell his voice apart from any one else in the room, but it was the last thing I wanted to hear. I moved to the crowd by the door and tried to push my way through, but my hand was caught by somebody I couldn't see.

"Bella!" Jasper shouted again.

"Bella," Edward's voice filled my head as he pulled me into his chest, his lips meeting my neck in a brief display of affection. Then his body stiffened, and I knew he'd seen Jasper too.

My hands wrapped around his waist as I let myself calm down. I felt calmer in his presence, the fear, anxiety and shock of what I had seen fell away slowly, leaving only anger and pain in its wake. So he hadn't broken up with her like I'd imagined so many times in my head.

"Bella." Jasper's voice was directly behind me now, but I could hear the difference in his tone, I could hear the resentment. He'd obviously just realized who I was clinging to, who was holding me and comforting me.

"Not now, Whitlock."

"Fuck off, Edward."

Edward moved, and I moved with him.

"Bella, will you please talk to me?" Jasper begged, his voice strained.

"Not now, Jazz," Alice interceded, her voice calm and kind. I knew this was killing her, she loved us both and she was stuck in the middle of this mess, yet again.

There was silence, other than the music, and I knew the moment he'd conceded and walked away. I couldn't describe how I knew, but it was a powerful intuition that I just couldn't shake, it was like a void, a huge empty ravine that took his place. Jasper had always had that effect on me. I knew when he was close by, there was always a zing of electricity in the air when he was in my presence.

Even now, my traitorous body betrayed me. I could feel that same spark of electricity when he was close. If I'd been paying attention rather that avoiding wandering hands, I would have realized it sooner, and perhaps avoided the situation altogether.

I tried to concentrate on the heat of Edward's body against mine so I could once again give him all of my focus.

"Come on, Bella," Alice said quietly, her small hand tugging on my arm.

I didn't want to leave the comfort of Edward's arms just yet, but I knew Alice wouldn't let it drop until I explained what happened.

"Maybe it's better we leave."

"No, Edward, it's fine," I mumbled, stepping out of his arms and taking Alice's hand. "I'll be right back."

I couldn't ruin his night because I panicked. I could be in the same room as Jasper, and now I was prepared to see him with Lauren. I doubted I would be taken off guard again. I needed to face this.

Alice led us upstairs and into a huge room at the end of the hall. Without stopping she pulled me into a bathroom almost the same size. She sat me on a stool at the vanity and crouched in front of me, taking my hands in hers.

"What happened?"

"He was with Lauren."

"What?"

"She had her arms around his neck." I paused, trying to get the image of my head. "I think they were kissing, but I can't be sure, I backed into them."

Alice's eyes sparked with an anger I hadn't seen from her before. Her normal blue-gray eyes turned into hard steel as her they narrowed. She was positively scary.

"Fucking idiot!"

"Alice, it's fine. He was with her before, why would this be any different? It's not like he broke up with her, I mean, I should have expected this."

"Bella . . ." Alice cut herself off, looking as though she was thinking twice about saying what she'd planned to say. There was something she wasn't telling me, she was holding something back, I could see that as plain as day. It seemed almost painful for her, and guilt once again flooded through my body as I realized this was all my fault. I wasn't going to push her to tell me though, especially when she looked ready to pounce.

"It's fine, Alice, lets just go downstairs and enjoy ourselves."

I could see the hesitance behind her eyes as Alice smiled and looped her arm through mine; she guided me out of the huge room in silence, obviously still upset with the new revelation. We made out way downstairs and I was happy to see Edward smiling down at me when I reached the bottom. He held out his hand and I took it gladly, needing the reassurance.

He offered me his drink and I took a sip, shuddering at the burning sweet liquid that ran down my throat. Edward chuckled and took another sip, kissing me on the top of the head. He guided us into the game room where the bar was, Emmett and Rosalie stood against one of the walls, talking quietly amongst themselves with their hands entwined. Alice and Jacob were talking to another couple.

The music wasn't so loud in here, it was background noise. My mind had time to wander before I reeled it back in. I didn't need those thoughts in my head. Seeing them together should have been the closure I needed to move on, but it only seemed to make me think of him more. Jealousy coursed through my veins making guilt shadow it's movements through my body. I hated being so confused. I hated that this was affecting me so much.

Edward towed me to the bar and stood behind it with a grin. I took the stool that was free across from him, leaning my elbows on the expensive wood. My hands cradled my head as I grinned right back at him. I would get through this, I could push this from my mind. Edward was here, with me, he wanted me and I needed to focus on that alone right now.

"What can I get for the lady?" he asked winking.

"What's good?" I asked demurely.

"Hmm, there's beer, most spirits and mixers. I could make you pretty much anything you want. Compliments of my college tuition," he laughed with a wink.

I lowered my voice and leaned further over the bar. "I've never drank before."

His eyes lit up in surprise, and questions danced behind the green of his eyes.

"Cops daughter," I whispered.

The answering smile made me realize that I'd said too much. It was something I hadn't told him before, a part of my history that had been so entwined with my sordid past, that to explain it would mean going into details that I hadn't wanted to share right now.

"That's something new," he said, winking at me as he looked down at the mixture of bottles in front of him. "Would you like to try something? Or do you just want a soda?"

"I'll try something, nothing too strong."

He grinned and got to work. My eyes scanned the room as Edward mixed and blended on the other side of the bar. I wasn't really looking for anything in particular. I caught sight of Jasper through the wide archway that led into the kitchen. He was stood against the island in the middle of the kitchen holding a bottle. He brought it to his lips and drank a mouthful before scrunching up his eyes and shuddering. I looked back to Edward and silently let out my breath.

"Try this." He grinned, slipping a tall glass in front of me. I bent over it slowly, taking the straw between my lips as the smell of coconuts filled my senses. It was good, the sweetness of the fruits seemed to counter the bitterness of the alcohol. It was tangy and zesty, the thickness of the ice sliding down my throat felt good.

"What is this?"

"Piña colada. I didn't put too much rum in there," Edward said holding up the bottle of clear liquid. "It's practically virginal."

I blushed at the words, unable to contain myself. It was a stupid reaction to a completely relative statement, _way to show your age Bella_.

Edward stepped around the bar and cupped my face in his hands, kissing the apples of my cheeks.

"You're adorable when you blush," he said gently, winking at me. It only served to make me blush scarlet, I'm sure. I could barely contain the bubbling giggle that threatened to surface as we looked at one another.

"Jasper." I heard Alice's voice from behind me and froze. My eyes were locked on Edward's as his flickered to something behind me. Why was this so much more difficult than it needed to be? He had no claim over me, he was still with his girlfriend.

I felt the cool glass slip out of my hand from my other side, and looked up into Jasper's hardened features, I still found it hard to see the contrast between that look and the way I remembered him. It was as though he was a completely different person.

I tried to catch his eyes, but he wasn't looking at me, his eyes were on Edward.

"She's seventeen, asshole. What the fuck are you trying to do?" he growled,

"I'm aware of that, Whitlock. Why don't you go check on your girlfriend, and mind your own goddamn business."

"Enough," I reeled, standing up from my stool slamming my hands against both of their chests. I looked at both of them, but their eyes were locked on one another in a testosterone fueled stare down. "I'm serious. Jasper, go back to Lauren. Edward, take me home."

Both of them stared down at me as though I'd grown a second head, I don't think I had ever spoken with such authority, even when I was pissed as hell at Jasper for his accusation.

Alice danced up behind me with Jacob close beside her. She tugged roughly on Edward's arm to get his attention.

"Edward, take her home." She turned to Jasper. "You, come with me."

Edward's arm snaked around my waist as he guided me toward the door without a word to Alice or Jasper. His eyes narrowed as he glared at Jasper. I walked ahead of him quicker, but he kept pace with me easily, working his way through the crowds and towards the front door.

We said nothing to one another for the duration of the drive home, and the moment his car stopped, I jumped out and headed towards the door, thankful that the Masen's were currently in Seattle for a charity function.

"Bella, wait."

I ignored him as I marched towards the door and threw it open and pushing it closed behind me in my anger. I disarmed the alarm and headed towards the stairs as fast as I could in my heels. The only sound in the house was the reopening of the front door.

"Bella, I know you're upset, but will you please just talk to me?"

I heard the door closing as I was halfway up the stairs, but I didn't stop. I just wanted to be alone. I felt angry, humiliated and worst of all I felt disenfranchised. I wasn't a piece of meat for those two Neanderthals to fight over.

Edward reached the top at the same time I did, his hands came down on my shoulders gently in an attempt to keep me on the spot. I looked away, crossing my arms petulantly over my chest. I didn't want to hear it.

"Please, will you talk to me?" Edward begged, his eyes trying to capture mine.

I knew he felt the moment I made my decision, because my shoulders slumped under his hands in surrender. I really wasn't in the mood for this, but I wouldn't make him beg.

His arm snaked around my waist as he guided me to his room. It was the one room, other than his parent's room, that I'd never been in. I was surprised at the contrast of the style. The old world colloquialism of the house was still incorporated in most of the room, the walls, the floors, even the windows. It was the furniture that made it stand out. It was the old and new world fused into one and it looked amazing.

The low, wide bed was in the middle of the room. The thick wood that made up the headboard had various things spread across it, books, and knickknacks. The dressers and desk were all in the same color wood and none of it was placed where you would expect it to be. It was beautiful.

Edward pulled me over to his bed and sat me down, his eyes finally capturing mine and stilling them. I didn't know what to say to him. What happened at Emmett's should have never come to a head like that, there was no need to snap back at Jasper.

Jasper never should have approached us to begin with, but I wasn't sitting here with Jasper, I was sitting here with Edward.

"What the hell was that all about?" I asked, trying to keep my composure. "I was beginning to wonder whether I would be pissed on."

"I'm sorry, I am. I just hate that he knows you better. He has a deeper insight when it comes to you, I can see it in the way he looks at you. It just upset me, and I couldn't help but react."

"He doesn't know me better than you do, Edward," I lied, picking up his hand in my own. "He just knows parts of who I used to be. Who I was, where I . . ."

I needed to shut the hell up.

"Exactly, he knows your past, and if it were up to him, he'd be your future."

"You don't want to know my past, it's not what you think it is."

"At least try me?"

All of the anger fizzled out with the request and quickly became replaced with fear and guilt. I hadn't given him the chance to be the person I knew he was. I hadn't trusted him enough.

"Are you sure?"

He looked up at me hopeful. "I want to know everything about you."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I could do this. I looked at him then, letting my eyes flutter open and rest on his handsome face. "Well, I guess I should start with my mom . . ."

And so I launched into my story, telling him every sordid detail of my past. My mom, Charlie, the home, I gave him more details because he wasn't afraid to ask questions. His fingers brushed the scar in my hairline when I explained what happened before I managed to get all the way out of there. The beating the girls had given me when they realized I was bailing. How it ended up being my way out.

Then the streets and everything that came with it. I didn't stop until I reached Julia's death.

His eyes were full of sadness when I stopped speaking.

"Bella, I . . ."

"I know it's a lot to take in, Edward." I looked down at my hands, afraid of his next reaction. "I don't expect you to be okay with harboring a runaway. If you want me to leave, I will."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

I looked up at him, his green eyes were fierce in his confusion. He shifted closer to me, his hand brushing the scar on my face again as he searched my eyes.

"Why would you think I would want you to leave?"

"Because I don't belong here. I don't belong with someone like you, I don't deserve a friend like Alice. I . . ."

"You're a victim of circumstance. How can you think someone would judge you for that?"

"Because it's all I've ever known. Before Jasper and your sister came into my life, I was judged by my circumstance, I was judged by how I looked and where I lived."

"You have no idea how amazing you are, do you?"

I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. What the hell was he talking about?

"You survived against all the odds, you didn't let it beat you. It's a strength you don't see in yourself."

I leaned forward and touched my lips to his. There was a warm smoldering fire burning within me that I couldn't extinguish. The heels of his hands cradled my face as his fingers tangled into my hair. He deepened the kiss, his tongue dancing on my lips as he rolled onto his knees.

My heart rate picked up as my body reacted to his movement. There was no denying him, not with our kiss this heated. I knew I didn't want to stop kissing him like this. After my history was laid out for him, I needed to wash it away. I needed him to help me push it back into the small space of my mind where I could look over it.

My fingers clawed at the front of his shirt, pulling him down to me. My other hand ran through his bronze hair, holding his face to mine. He stood slowly from the bed, but I followed his lips, rolling onto my knees as he rose above me.

The need for him grew within me as I sat there on my knees; I took a step off the bed, rising up to my full height so I didn't have to lose the connection. I was so lost in the kiss, I didn't notice his fingers slowly unbuttoning the dress, one by one. It wasn't until his palms cupped my breasts through the eyelet lace bra I was wearing that I realized how far this was going to go.

I moaned into his mouth as his fingers caught my erect nipple between them and squeezed roughly. I couldn't wait any longer, I needed him. My fingers fed the buttons of his shirt through the holes slowly; I stopped only when I ran out. I needed to touch him, to feel him, so I let my hands run up over his muscular stomach, over his chest to his shoulders as I pushed the shirt from his arms.

His hands disappeared from my chest and I whined into his mouth, but used it to my advantage. I pulled his undershirt up. I pulled back from his lips looking at him hungrily as I pulled the shirt over his head. Everything in me seemed to radiate a wanton lust, it wasn't as powerful as I knew it could be, but it was undeniable, it was relative.

It took me seconds to have my body connected to his again. My lips brushed along the soft contours of his chest up to his neck. I kissed along the strong lines of his jaw nipping and sucking as I moved. My mind followed the movements as his hands moved to my shoulders, his fingers working under the dress to push it down my arms. I pulled my hands away from his body and let the material slide over my heated skin.

Standing practically naked in front of him didn't feel so terribly wrong, but it wasn't as comfortable either. It was just so different.

Edward pulled me up to kiss him again, and I realized I was thinking too much. I couldn't let these thoughts pollute my head right now. I swung my arms around his neck and threw myself into the kiss with more fervor. My lips molding around the flesh on his lower lip.

He moaned into my mouth as he lowered himself to my height. His fingers moved over the contours of my body, moving lower and lower as his fingers trailed over my skin. He gripped my thigh in his hand, while his other snaked tightly around my waist. He raised my leg and hitched it over his hip in one swift movement.

Small explosion pushed their way around my stomach with excitement as the new position. My mind emptied slowly, all of my past seeping slowly into the small compartment I kept it locked in. He was wiping away the memories with his actions and I couldn't refuse him.

The heel of my boot dug into his thigh as I clung to him desperately. He growled deeply in his chest, the sound exploding into my mouth as his fingers dug deeper into my flesh. He pulled his lips away from mine, and smirked at me.

"You're keeping the boots on," he said, and his tone did nothing but reiterate as a statement rather than a question.

I grinned and nodded, but almost lost my balance completely when his hand slid between my thighs, putting pressure on the already excited bundle of nerves. My head fell back on my shoulders as his fingers slid along my damp folds.

"You're so wet," he groaned, pushing his fingers deeper under my thong and dipping them inside of me. My grinding hips pushed his fingers deeper inside of me. I whimpered as the feeling made me needy. I pushed away every thought that sang out a contradiction to my action. I fought to not make comparisons as I let myself fall into what we were doing.

Idle words seemed to bounce around the walls of my mind as I ignored them, but one word kept pushing through the fog of lust that surrounded me. Different, so different. I didn't want to focus on that, I didn't even want to acknowledge it.

His arm around my waist still steadied me, even though my legs had turned to jelly below me. I relinquished my grip on his hair and moved my hands down to his belt, pulling the leather from the belt loops and releasing the buckle. I made quick work of the button and zipper, and pushed the denim down, letting them slide down his legs to his ankles.

I could feel how hard he was through his boxer briefs, and the searing heat that enveloped his fingers within me burned hotter. I needed a release, I needed to forget.

I pushed the cotton down his legs, letting his hardened member spring against my stomach. The feeling of that combined with his fingers pumping gently within me made my stomach tighten and coil. He pulled out of me, gently trailing his fingers up over my hips to the waist of my panties.

I lowered my leg slowly as Edward stepped out of his pants. He crouched down in front of me guiding the flimsy material over the boots and to the floor. His eyes filled with reverence as he took in my form. I reached behind me and unhooked the clasp of my bra, letting it slide down my arms and drop to the floor as I fought to keep myself from blushing.

"You're beautiful," Edward breathed, his lips brushing against my stomach. "I don't think I can wait to be inside you."

"Then don't," I whispered, running my hands through his hair.

He leaned towards his night stand, and pulled open a drawer. I could hear the rustling of the foil package as he pulled it open with his teeth.

My hands roamed over his shoulders and down his back. I bent over, kissing the flesh there as his hands moved quickly to sheath himself in the rubber.

He moved towards me again, straightening me to a standing position as he kissed up my body. His lips captured mine as hands caught my hips. He turned me in his arms until my back was against his chest and his hardened length was against my back. His mouth was at my ear as his fingers teased my taut nipples.

"You have no idea how fucking long I've wanted to be inside you." He growled. His fingers twisting my flesh making my back arch and he used it to his advantage. He pushed me over so my hands were on the soft mattress as his feet kicked my boot clad legs apart.

He was taking control and the way he was talking to me made me excited. My mind thought about nothing but this time and this place. It was erotic and sexy as hell, there was no romance in this. I edited myself as the thought process tried to continue onto the deeper issue. I didn't need that right now, nor did I want it. I wanted to be blank, and unthinking.

All of my thoughts fled my mind the moment I felt the tip of him dip within my folds taking me by surprise. I let my head hang between my arms as I relaxed my body waiting for him to plunge into me. I pushed back against him a little, but he pulled away.

I looked over my shoulder at him, His heavily lidded eyes were on mine, a small smile on his face as he pushed into me hard. My breath hitched and my head rolled back on my shoulders as I pulled in a long deep breath. My fingers dug into the sheets below me as he pulled back slowly and pushed in hard.

The friction seemed to wipe any trace of thoughts or words. He slid deep within me making my whole body shudder with delight, then pulled out leaving me with nothing but a need for him to push into me again.

He picked up his pace, and I pushed back as he came forward, small streams of sweat rolled down my spine towards my neck with the angle of my body. His bed was low, leaving me almost folded at the waist as he drove into me. We worked together as we sweat and moaned into the air surrounding us. Our breathing labored as we panted heavily.

"Oh fuck, you feel so fucking good," he said between pants. I moaned in response enjoying the way his fingers dug into my damp flesh as they slid against my hips. I could feel Edward straining behind me, holding on until I got to the place he was.

His hand moved to my thighs, his fingers slid within my folds as he pinched and twisted the bundle of nerves there. I jumped as the pleasure rocked through my body. I pushed up from the bed, my back hitting his chest where he was hovered over me, nibbling and kissing my back.

My hands rose above my head, hooking around his neck as my body started shaking. Everything washed away from within me, even the fear of emotions that would flood me in the morning. I let go and fell into the moment as I came hard. My walls closed around him as he continued to rock in and out of me, his hands tightening around my stomach and thighs as he compensated for the height difference.

A stream of profanities fell from his mouth as the space tightened around him. His words all melted together as he mumbled into the skin of my neck. My body relaxed as I came down from my high, but I continued to enjoy the friction of him moving within me. I moved my body making it easier for him to thrust into me.

I felt him slow as he got close, his damp body tensing around me, locking me in the cage of his arms. He thrust into me hard a couple more times before one last rough thrust as he pulsated within me.

Both of us were fighting for air as our bodies loosened, our damp skin stuck to the other as our bodies rose and fell with our breaths. I was exhausted.

Edward kissed across my shoulders slowly panting, before he turned my head and kissed me on the lips with a smile. He pulled out of me slowly, his hands lingering on my damp body before he disappeared to clean up and dispose of the condom.

I stood in my boots and nothing else feeling satisfied and confused, there was something missing, something I couldn't put my finger on.

Edward came back in the room smiling, his eyes sparkling. "Will you stay with me tonight?"

I smiled, biting my lip. "It depends."

"On what?" He looked taken aback by my answer, but tried to hide it as he waited for me to continue.

"Do I have to wear the boots?" I laughed, and winked at him. Ignoring the nagging that seemed to shadow my emotions.

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**A/N: I know, there was no warning and it was long, but I figured y'all would figure out where it was going, once it started going there. Um, I know that there is still going to be that line down the middle, with the happy and unhappy, but remember there are 20 more chapters to go.**

**Jasper is hiding again, he knows what it looks like ;) but will make an appearance next week! He wants to tell you what that was all about in his own words.**

**Thanks as always to my supreme handholders, there is another to add to the group. So thank you to miztrezboo, bemylullaby and bendingmirrors for hand holding. Miz has a couple of amazing fics up right now, and when I say amazing I mean it! They are awesome . . . linkage on my profile! bemylullaby, is working on something as we speak, so I have to wait until that's posted! Bendingmirrors, well her very first fic will be posted soon. It's a one-shot and it's amazing!!!! I will add it to my profile when it's posted :)**

**Thanks to my brand-spanking-new beta! Cravingtwilight. She's awesome, and fixes all my grammar, punctuation, and any overlooked problems!**

**Now, to the reviewers . . . you guys have no idea how much I love reading what you have to say. It's always so interesting to see the reactions to not only the new developments, but your guesses at what you see happening in the future. You are all amazing, thank you :) Seriously wish I had something better to offer y'all other than a sneak Peek!**

**The forum girls . . . you know how much I love you guys. See you over there ;)**

**Much love, big hugz ~ Weezy ~**


	24. SelfRepugnance An All Time Low

_**All things Twilight belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer.**_

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****Self-Repugnance - An All Time Low**

_"When your love is gone . . . I wouldn't recommend drinking"_  
**_Invisible Monster - 100 Monkeys_**

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_**

**JASPER POV**

I was glad Alice had been around more lately. She had kicked my ass into gear for being such a fucking idiot. When she'd told me that Bella had fallen in love with me after she left, I was left desolate and confused. I had taken to boxing with Embry almost every day, and I definitely wasn't on my A game.

When I had decided enough was enough, and gone to see her, I had fucked up even worse. Seeing Edward's head in her lap as they all relaxed in the rare spring sun, had risen the green monster within me, and I temporarily lost all coherent thought and fucked things up beyond comprehension. I had essentially pushed them together when, according to Alice, Bella had decided to come and see me before my little performance.

I was a fucking idiot.

Alice spent more time with me after that, and it made it easier to cope. I had decided not to give up on Bella just yet and decided to get my act together. I went to school, did what I needed to do, came home and hung out, trying to think of a way to make it up to her.

When Alice told me that Bella was spending more time with her brother, it killed me. I knew it would only be a matter of time until he managed to sink his teeth into her, and I was afraid I had dropped the ball completely. I spent more time with my friends after that, hoping I would get a chance to talk to her, but she and Edward avoided us like the plague when they knew I was around.

Tonight was Emmett's birthday party, and I knew they wouldn't stay away. Emmett would never forgive them. I had to try something, it had been four months since she left me. Everything I felt for her was still the same as it had been. I couldn't seem to get past that, I couldn't get past her. It wasn't for lack of trying either.

The last thing I wanted was to sit around the house fawning after a girl. Yet, I couldn't fucking help myself, she was like a beacon of fucking light in my constant darkness. How do you fight that?

You don't. You fight for it.

I got ready and headed over to the McCarty's early. I hadn't seen Emmett or Rosalie since winter break. When I pulled up, Emmett was accepting the delivery of his keg and boxes of liquor.

"Hey, Em. Happy birthday." I tossed him the box I had wrapped haphazardly and grinned at Rosalie as she came out of the house.

"Jasper," she cooed, pulling me into her hug. "You look like shit babe."

"Thanks Rosie, you look beautiful as always."

"Suck up," she laughed. Pulling away from me. I winked at her.

"Jazz, thanks man." Emmett guffawed holding up the gift I'd given him. It was hard to buy people who have everything gifts, so I gave out gift cards. I was a cop out.

"I hear Mallory's back in town."

I'd heard that too, but I'd been avoiding the bitch like the black plague. I knew her game. Now that she was back she needed the cover so that she could go on screwing old man Crowley without interruption. I was no longer willing to be her alibi. The bitch could find some other monkey to play that game.

"Yeah, I've been spared that pleasure so far."

"Still maintaining that distance, bro?"

"I never liked the bitch to begin with, Emmett. Why the fuck would I go back to that shit?"

"Because no one can resist a fine piece of ass!"

I cringed when Rosalie's hand made contact with the back of Emmett's head. I'd been on the receiving end of those and she wasn't gentle. He ducked his head and rubbed the spot she'd hit hard.

"Baby!"

"A. Shut the hell up, jackass. B. I would not refer to Lauren Mallory as a fine anything, let alone a fine piece of ass," Rosalie snapped, winking at me.

Knowing that Lauren was back in town, and that she was always up for a party, I had no doubt she would be here tonight. I had to keep my eyes open and avoid her as much as I could. She would probably be over the insult by now, which meant she would be on a reconnaissance mission to reinstate me as her cover. I was over that shit.

I actually managed to avoid her for a while too. I spoke with some of the kids from school working my way around the room. They were mostly pompous asses that walked around with their heads held high like the world owed them something. Then there were the girls that liked to acquire and devour. The place was a cesspit of Forks skank.

I shrank back into the shadows to avoid being the night's target. I was sure most had heard I had quit Lauren like a bad habit, and I wasn't interested in anybody but Bella. I refused to give up on that, even if it was a lost cause. I knew myself well enough to know that moving on wasn't an option. I loved her, and I didn't love easily.

She was all I thought about, and it was killing me. Apparently, it was also a distraction.

"Jasper." I knew that long nasally drawn out voice from anywhere. I sighed in defeat and turned to face the one person I didn't want to see tonight.

"Lauren," I answered, her name rolling off my tongue like an insult.

"I've been trying to call you," she whined, sidling up to me, her fingers playing with the buttons on my button down shirt. I tried to repress the shudder.

"Yeah, I noticed."

"Are you playing hard to get?" she purred, her hands gripping my sides. Her red manicured talons dug into the skin there.

"No. That would imply that I not only cared, but also wanted you back. That's never going to happen."

"I know better than that," she giggled, rubbing her hand along my shaft. I was actually proud that I didn't even twitch. The girl was repulsive to me, therefore no amount of rubbing from her could get me hard.

I raised my eyebrows at her as I moved her hand from my dick. Her eyes narrowed at me and I saw the crazy psycho bitch rise from within. I braced myself.

"You batting for the other team, Jasper?"

"You wish sweetheart," I smiled sweetly. "Unfortunately, I just don't find you fuckable, Lauren."

She cackled her annoying high pitched excuse for a laugh, throwing her head over her shoulders and shaking her long blond hair like it was sexy. I rolled my eyes. She lowered her voice into what I assumed was supposed to be a seductive purr. It was comparable to pee wee fucking Herman.

"We've fucked enough to know that's not the truth."

I raised an eyebrow at her and stepped to the side, hoping to avoid having my ears bleed and my mind erase at the memory of sex with the wicked witch of the west. I could be a cold heartless bastard to her, but she was a cold heartless bitch. It was just the way things were. We brought out the worst in one another.

"Please, don't remind me," I smirked.

One of her talons pushed into my chest as she stepped towards me, her face contorted in rage. "You know what you little fucker. I could fucking destroy you. You're a cocky little bitch, Jasper. You're all fucking show though you little pussy."

"You're such a fucking bitch. You think everything belongs to you, don't you princess." I flicked her hair over her shoulder as my breath danced across her neck. "It's just, unfortunate that your empty threats, much like your body, do nothing for me."

I pulled away and looked down at her, noticing her heavy breathing and heavily hooded eyes. The sick bitch got off on this shit. This was like fucking foreplay to her. Her hands ran up my chest and hooked around my neck, and I rolled my eyes.

"Hmm, perhaps we could test that theory out, Jasper. Maybe I could change your mind on a couple . . ." Lauren rocked into me as she was pushed from behind. Lauren's head snapped around and growled at the offender. "Watch where you're going you stupid bitch."

Then I looked down and chocolate brown met my eyes. She was fucking beautiful, but her expressive eyes were all wrong, they looked hurt and surprised. She was guarded.

"Now where were we?" Lauren whispered.

I'd forgotten the bitch existed the moment my eyes met with Bella's, I hadn't even realized that Lauren still had her arms around my neck. The stupid fucking bitch was ruining my life without fucking trying.

"Sorry," Bella mumbled, and disappeared into the crowd.

I had to go after her and explain. Fucking Lauren!

I pulled her arms from my neck and dropped them at her side. "Just fuck off, Lauren."

I followed Bella through the crowd as best I could, her small body twisted and turned as she made her way through the crowd. When someone didn't move she pushed them out of her way. Some guy grabbed her around the waist put she pushed away from him angrily.

"Bella, wait," I shouted above the music, hoping she would give me a chance to explain, but she kept moving. Her desperation was obvious as she danced through the crowd toward the front door.

"Bella!"

Then she was pulled from the body of people gathered at the door. My eyes followed, but I wished they hadn't. Edward's lips touched to her neck, but his eyes darkened as he realized her stance. He looked up and met eyes with me as I headed towards them. Alice and Jacob watched silently in the crowd.

I had told Alice not to get involved any more. I knew how hard all of this was for her and I really didn't want her to feel obligated to step into the middle of this mess. She loved us both and that was enough for me. I didn't need to have a constant update of Bella, Alice only volunteered information when she thought I needed to know.

"Bella," I said again, a little less volume now that I was stood directly behind her.

Edward and I glared at one another.

"Not now, Whitlock."

"Fuck you, Edward," I spat. I hated the motherfucker. He was holding everything I wanted against his chest. It was like a knife to the gut. I had done this. I'd pushed the two of them together. I felt sick. I reached out my hand, just to touch her to let her know that I was there.

Edward took a step back and she moved with him, her face buried in his chest.

"Bella, will you please talk to me?" I begged. I wasn't above it. I should be on my fucking knees.

My eyes flickered to Alice. I knew it was wrong, but I needed the support, I didn't know what to do.

"Not now, Jazz," she said gently. I knew she was right but it didn't stop that shit from ripping me apart. I nodded and backed away into the other room, hoping that Lauren had found some other asshole to play with. I really wasn't in the mood for her shit right now. I needed to think.

"Jazz."

I ignored the voice and moved away from the sound. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to fucking think. I just wanted to get obliterated and forget. I pushed my way into the game room and grabbed a bottle of Jack. Fitting considering it was my dad's old poison. I made my way into the kitchen, unscrewing the cap and taking a mouthful.

I normally stuck to beer, and I never got drunk. My self-imposed rules. I didn't want to follow my father's footsteps and become the asshole he had. Tonight though, I needed it. I needed to clear my head and forget, just for one night, how impossibly in love with her I was. I needed to forget the pain.

I took another long pull from the bottle enjoying the sweet burn as it slid down my throat. Images of Bella fucking Edward filled my head tormenting me, so I hit the bottle again, taking a larger pull.

This shit was going straight to my head.

I swayed on the spot, grabbing the counter to balance me. Numbness started filtering into my system, and I smiled despite myself. Numb was good, numb was getting this shit out of my system so I could move on.

It wasn't working like I wanted it to though. My own memories started fucking with me. Her smile, the way her tiny hand seemed to fit in mine perfectly, her soft lips as they brushed down my jaw . . . I took another drink, trying as hard as I could to defy my traitorous mind.

The images that seemed to hang subconsciously in my mind weren't shifting with the liquid fire I was consuming. No matter how much I consumed, they hung there taunting me, laughing at my stupid fucked up life. I had brought all of this on myself because I was a pussy. In trying not to lose the only woman I had ever loved, I had pushed her away.

I drank another mouthful of Jack and slammed the bottle on the counter, a little harder than I should have, and chuckled. I had no idea why the fuck I chuckled, but I did. Everything was beginning to feel a little surreal and it was pretty evident I needed to cool it for a minute.

My eyes wandered across the room, Bella was in the game room sitting in one of the stools in front of the bar. She was talking to Edward, leaning over the bar so her ass was almost visible from under the skirt. My sober side was nagging at me to protect her modesty, the drunk side begged for her to bend just a little further . . .

I am a fucking pig when drunk. Who the fuck thinks like that about the woman they love?

I watched the way she moved, the relaxation she exuded while she scanned the room. I looked away, knowing that if I could see her, she would surely see me. I didn't want her to know I was watching. I knew it would just cause more problems between us, and I was trying to mend the fissured line between us, not severe it beyond repair.

I knew what it looked like with Lauren, I had known what she'd thought which really hadn't helped my cause at all. My blurred mind tried to sort through the jumble of thoughts as my brain fumbled with a hopeless formula.

I trained my blurred vision back to the girl who seemed to have all of my attention and watched her accept a drink from the douche behind the bar. I could barely make out her profile, but I couldn't miss the way her lips wrapped around the straw as she pulled on the liquid. Her throat extended as she swallowed. I was turning into such a fucking stalker.

Inexplicable rage surged through me as she smiled and Edward responded, holding up the rum. What the hell was he thinking? She was seventeen for fucks sake, she was so fragile and innocent—she didn't need to be submitted to shit like this. She was better than that, her dad had been a cop and instilled values and shit into her and here he was fucking all that up for his own selfish needs.

I felt my legs carry me towards them against my own volition. I had no idea what I was going to say in my state, I could barely form a coherent thought, let alone a sentence. I was just along for the ride.

I felt fire travel through my veins as Edward cupped her cheeks in his over privileged hands and kissed them gently. The word '_mine_' echoed through my mind as though I were a Neanderthal, my legs picked up speed as I stomped my way through the crowd, the only thing keeping me level and upright was the anger.

"Jasper." Alice's voice barely penetrated the fog in my mind as I continued along my path. I couldn't seem to stop myself, my eyes were on Bella. Her body tensed, her back straightening as I got closer. She could feel it too, she could feel my presence, just like I could feel hers.  
_  
__Maybe it was Alice calling your name asshole.__  
__  
_Did it matter?

I pulled the glass from her hands, but refused to look at her, my eyes connecting with Edward's. I glared at him hard, I couldn't help myself. The guy was a fucking moron.

"She's seventeen, asshole. What the fuck are you trying to do?" I growled.

"I'm aware of that, Whitlock. Why don't you go check on your girlfriend, and mind your own goddamn business."

I could see the challenge behind the asshole's eyes; he was begging me to push it further. Always the one that wanted to look like the saint. I could feel the challenge working through my body, my fists curled, ready and willing, my shoulders tensed.

"Enough." Bella's voice was strained, but I didn't miss the feeling that coursed through my veins as her small hand pushed into my chest. It only seemed to make my steely defense narrow more on the prick in front of me. "I'm serious. Jasper, go back to Lauren. Edward, take me home."

I looked down at her, I couldn't believe she thought I was with Lauren. I couldn't stand the bitch. Had it really looked as though we were a couple? And if that was the case, why would Bella think I had followed her? Wasn't it obvious that I loved her?

I caught Jake's huge frame from my peripheral vision and knew Alice was close by. She tugged on Edward's arm, her eyes determined as her small stature seemed to move his easily. Pussy.

"Edward, take her home." She turned her black stare onto me. "You, come with me."

I was fucked, locked in place as Edward steered Bella from the room and away from me, leaving another huge void in my already empty self. Wonderful, and now Alice was going to rip me a new one.

I followed her into the back yard, she gave Jake a look and he nodded, stopping inside. I was royally fucked. I could tell in the way she marched across the damp grass.

The cool air did nothing to sober me, it only seemed to make me less stable on my feet as I followed behind her.

"What the hell are you doing, Jasper?"

"Protecting my _friend_!" I said the word begrudgingly because I wanted so much more than that.

"With Lauren you fucking idiot. Not only that but you have a fucking staring match with my brother. If you'd listened to me, let me help . . ."

"No, Alice. Don't you understand?" I shrugged my shoulder, and my hands flopped lazily with them. "She has to make that decision herself. It has to be something between her and me. If you get involved, even though I know your intentions are to help, it will only confuse things more. She'll talk to me eventually, she'll listen, she has to."

I swayed on the spot again. My blurred head replaying the words to make sure they were exactly what I wanted to say.

"And the whole thing with Lauren?"

"You know what she's like, Alice. No means yes, yes means no. When Bella walked into us we were in the middle of insulting one another, and she was trying to play it to her advantage. She had her arms around my neck making me nauseas."

"You need to learn to walk away from her."

"You think I don't know that? The girl gets under my fucking skin, presses my buttons." I jabbed the air with my finger. "Push, push, push."

"Are you _drunk_?"

I looked down at my feet, Alice was the only one I had confided in about my dad's drinking. She knew it was a dangerous line for me to walk. She was right of course. I shouldn't have picked the shit up to begin with. Trying to think through the haze was painful.

"Jasper?"

I felt the earth spin as I looked up. I fought the chuckle in my throat.

"What?"

"I'm taking you home!"

"My car."

"I'll take you to get it tomorrow."

"I don't . . ."

Alice crossed her arms over her chest and gave me her cold, hard stare just daring me to argue with her. An argument she would win, she always fucking won. I could feel my resignation roll through my body as my shoulders slumped in defeat. She marched past me into the house, I know she expected me to follow, but I couldn't get my feet to follow.

"Jasper," she growled from behind me.

"Don't get your panties in a twist woman, I'm coming."

I turned around and walked towards the house, although I was sure it was more of a stumble at this point.

Jacob and Alice helped me inside and up the stairs. A lot of the car ride was a blur of voices and motion making my head swim and my stomach roll. How could anyone do this for fun? I just felt disgusting.

I fell face first onto my bed and didn't move. Everything was spinning, my brain felt as though it was vibrating inside my head. I could hear Alice and Jacob mumbling somewhere in the room and debated whether to talk to them or ignore them.

"Night," I murmured, turning my head to the side and enjoying the softness of the comforter on the side of my face.

"Call me when you wake up, Jazz."

I grunted and closed my eyes, hoping that they would just take the noise somewhere else. Their chattering echoed around my head like a sledgehammer. I listened for a sign of them leaving, and relaxed only when I heard the door click closed behind them.

I let myself fall into the alcohol induced coma, thankful for the numbness that seemed to consume me.

~*~

I groaned as soon as my eyes flickered open, my head pounded against my skull but it wasn't the source of my guttural sound. The hand on my dick massaging me gently through my clothes created the reaction.

My room was pitch black to my eyes. I couldn't see a thing let alone the source of the rubbing.

My head fell back onto the bed as the rubbing intensified. It felt so fucking good.

"Bella," I moaned.

It took me a second to realize what was wrong with this situation, but it was already too late. A hissing filled the air surrounding me as the hand on my dick squeezed roughly. The pain rolled up my scrotum and into my body like fire. I rolled over onto my stomach as my hands flew to the aching on my dick.

"What the fuck?"

"Who the fuck is, Bella?" The nasally voice asked, cutting through the darkness and my consciousness.

This was fucking great! Just what I needed tonight.

"How the fuck did you get in here, Lauren?"

"You never cared before," she purred as her hands rubbed my thigh.

I rolled away from her, feeling for the edge of the bed. My skin was crawling knowing it had been her to touch me that way. I leaned over to the nightstand and clicked on my lamp my eyes narrowing as they adjusted to the brightness.

Lauren's slim form was sprawled out over my bed, her dress had ridden up her thighs showing her underwear, making me feel more nauseas than I already did.

"Get the fuck out."

"Who's, Bella?" she countered, pushing herself up from the bed.

"None of your goddamn business. Get the fuck out."

Her cackling laugh filled the room making my head ache worse. "You're a fucking idiot, Whitlock, if you think you're ever gonna do better than me."

"I already have. Get the fuck out before I throw your ass out!"

"I'm done with you, Jasper."

"GOOD! GET. THE. FUCK. OUT."

I watched her as she rolled from the bed, pushing her skirt down her legs and straightening herself out. She gave me one last look before strutting from the room. I was hopeful that would be the last time I saw her dumb ass.

I fell back onto the bed, expelling all of the air in my lungs. Before the wicked witch of the west had woken me up, I'd been having best sleep I'd managed since Bella left. I was never going to find that oblivion again.

I had fucked up royally; there was no doubt about that. I had pushed her into the arms of Edward fucking Masen and now I had to deal with the consequences. I needed Bella in my life, if I had to have her only as a friend, I would have to live with that. I just hoped she would give me the opportunity.

I clicked off the lamp and let the darkness fill the room again.

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**A/N: I know we're a couple hours early of Tuesday, but Happy TGUT Tuesday all the same :)  
**

**Lauren's behavior was pretty bad at the end, I know it was bordering on something dangerous, but Jasper was thankfully on the ball and realized something was wrong. She's a bit of a slut, and she's really not use to not getting what she wants. So she takes it!**

**I hope you go easy on the poor guy, he really didn't do anything wrong, other than back down when he should have fought.**

**Thanks you's as usual to my pre-reading hand holders, Miztrezboo, bemylullaby and bendingmirrors. Miz has two amazing fics at the moment, The Appointment and Where the Road Meets the Sun, as always her stories have links on my profile, bendingmirrors has her very first one shot up and ready, and I would love it of you would head on over and show her some love. For a first fic it's really very remarkable. Bemylullaby, she's still working on the top secret project ;)**

**Thank you to my beta, cravingtwilight. She goes through with a fine tooth comb and picks out all of the mistakes for me :) Thank you girl!!**

**To the Forum girls, you are all amazing. You all rock too!!**

**Thank you so much to all of the reviewers!!! You're all so so amazing, I wish there was more I could do or say to let you know that, but I have no idea how :) So from the very bottom of my heart, THANK YOU! **

**Much love and huge hugz ~ Weezy~  
**


	25. Grasping At Straws

_**All Things Twilight Belong to the awesome Stephenie Meyer. Happy TGUTB Tuesday :)**_

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**_**Grasping at Straws**

_I was all alone, going for a ride_  
_Traveling solo, off my guard_  
_I had to follow this calling from the wild_  
_Into the shadows_  
_Into the shadows of my heart_  
_**As I Moved On - Blue Foundation**_

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The light streaming in from the large windows of Edward's bedroom stirred me from my uneasy sleep. His arm was draped over my waist, but it didn't give me the feeling I thought it should. I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong either. It just wasn't right.

What was wrong with me?

I stayed still, unwilling to move and risk waking Edward. He'd been so sweet last night, and I couldn't deny that the sex was great. It was also different. Was it too soon?

I felt Edward stretch beside, his arms tightening around my waist as his fingers brushed the underside of my breast. My body reacted immediately, but my brain didn't. I liked Edward, I would even go as far to say I more than liked him, but seeing Jasper last night had just seemed to cause me even more confusion.

Maybe, I had slept with Edward for all the wrong reasons. It was a completely spontaneous moment that I had willingly lost myself in at the time. Maybe if we tried again, without the pressure, without the fresh memory of those blue eyes haunting me. Maybe then I could give all of myself to him, and not feel so strange in the aftermath.

"Morning, beautiful."

"Morning," I answered with a smile, hoping it didn't sound forced.

"You're so warm," he mumbled, pulling me back against his chest, his lips lingering on the skin of my shoulder. I pushed away everything but the feel of him against my skin. I turned my head a little so he could press his lips to mine.

I smiled as he pulled away from me, his fingers brushing the hair from my face.

"You still look tired. You alright?"

I wasn't tired, I was terrified, confused and completely unsure of everything. I could only imagine how blanched my skin looked from my small moment of panic as we lay in silence. I really had no answer for him that wouldn't make him feel like shit so I turned it into a joke, hoping to deflect the question that would follow.

"You snore."

Edward snorted rolling my body in his arms so I was facing him. "I do not."

He didn't, but I found his defensiveness amusing. It seemed to help with the awkwardness I was trying to hide from him.

"Oh you so do, it was awful. I could have sworn there were loggers outside the window."

Edward's fingers brushed across my naked waist and I squirmed under his touch. His eyes lit up at the reaction. The green shining from the light streaming into the room. He brushed across the same area again with a little more force and I kicked my legs, pushing myself from his body as laughter fell from my lips.

"No tickling," I squealed, trying to put some distance between us. My body was writhing under his fingers as the sensation rolled over my body. I could barely breathe through the laughter as I tried to escape him.

He rolled onto his knees with a smirk letting his other hand join in the torture. I was sucking air in as quickly as I could as I tried to escape. My limbs were flailing around me wildly as I slid across the sheets to the edge, but the barrage of fingers continued.

I didn't realize I reached the edge until it was too late. In true Bella fashion, my body hit the floor with a hard thump. My amusement overshadowed my embarrassment when I saw Edward's face. The remorse that filled his features was adorable.

I was still fighting for breath from my laughter when he finally regained his composure. His eyes traveled over my body as he settled on his stomach, his shoulders hanging over the edge of the bed.

"You should stay like that all the time. I think I could get used to it," he grinned, letting his head rest on his shoulder as his eyes continued to drink me in.

My mouth fell open, and my eyes grew wide as I realized I was completely naked, sprawled out on his floor. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or blush. I was frozen between emotions. I stood up as gracefully as I could, looking for my dress or underwear.

Before I could get very far, Edward's arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me back into the bed. His whole body curled around mine, trapping me against him. I buried my head in his chest and took in his scent. It was so masculine it was almost like it's own embrace. Strong, and safe.

It was also warm here in his arms, but I still couldn't stop that nagging feeling that seemed to gnaw away at the edges of my mind. I hated that I couldn't quiet my mind at times like these. Why couldn't I just let things go and live in the moment?

"Don't go yet," he breathed, his voice husky and rough in my ear.

"Edward, I should really grab a shower."

He huffed a breath in my ear, and when looked up at him he pushed his bottom lip out for effect. His eyes evaluated mine for a split second, searching for validation of how he was feeling.

"That's pathetic!" I laughed, kissing the bottom lip gently. I raised my hand and ran it through his mess of bronze hair. Our noses touched as we lay in silence just enjoying the others company. Our breathing was calm and controlled as I let my eyes fix on his.

"Spend the day with me?" he asked suddenly. His eyes were so sure is sent a wave of panic through me.

I didn't know where it came from or what it meant, but it ebbed through my blood like a warning sign. We'd spent almost every day together in the past three weeks, and he'd never once asked me. This was different, this made me nervous.

Questions pummeled against my skull making my head ache and the guilt surge through my body. What was I doing? How had I let myself get in this position? How could I have been so naive?

I was starting to feel claustrophobic in my own skin, in his arms. How could things be as easy as breathing with one person and enjoyably challenging with someone else? I had spent so much time running away from my problems that I hadn't stopped to think about any of this.

"Bella?" Edward's voice surrounded me, making my chest constrict a little. I was terrified he could hear the conflict in my voice.

"I was going to head down to La Push with Alice."

"Oh." His arms tightened around my waist. "Can I change your mind maybe?"

My mind scrolled through excuses, but nothing sounded right but the truth. I owed him that.

"I think I want to go. I need time to think."

Edward propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at me with cautious eyes. I hated to see that from him, I hated that I had caused that dark look to cross his eyes. We'd had so much fun in the last couple of weeks.

"Bella, listen I . . ."

I put my finger on his lips to silence him.

"Please, don't. It's no big deal. My head's just so cluttered. Does that make sense?"

He nodded. Kissing the tip of my finger as he smiled at me. The smile didn't reach his eyes, but I hoped that when I got home he would see that this really wasn't a big deal. I needed time on my own, away from the situation so I could really process everything that had happened in the last couple of months.

My life had become a whirlwind of change. One situation seemed to bleed into the other and I was powerless to stop it. I needed to take a step back and evaluate everything, but it didn't mean anything would change.

I pulled away from him slowly. Pressing my lips to his as I slid from the bed. I dressed quickly and headed towards the door, hyper aware of his eyes on me while I moved.

"I'll see you later?" I asked hopefully, as I gave him a warm smile.

"I'll be here beautiful."

I grinned and stepped out of the door, pulling it closed behind me and finally releasing the loaded breath I'd been holding.

I showered in my room and got dressed in something comfortable. I wasn't even sure Alice was going to La Push. I knew Jacob stayed last night because the Masen's were in Seattle, I figured if anything she would have to take him home at some point. She'd picked him up after all.

Thankfully, Alice seemed excited about the prospect of spending the day on the reservation.

~*~

We pulled up in front of Jacob's house not an hour later. The small village was cast in the usual gray light that seemed to hover of the pacific northwest. I pushed open the car door and reveled in the cool breeze that seemed to flutter around me in welcome. The brine of the ocean filled my senses and brought with it a calming air.

"Coming inside, Bells?" Jacob called, towing Alice towards his house, her tiny hand was wrapped up in his. I was almost jealous, Alice had no doubt about who she was supposed to be with, or how she felt. Jacob loved her completely, they just fit.

The slight ache in my chest left me uneasy, and I knew that I couldn't be around the two of them right now. I needed time to think.

"Do you care if I go walk on the beach first?"

Alice and Jacob gave one another a surreptitious look. I wasn't sure if it was because I was requesting to be alone, or if it was what they could do when I was gone. I tried to stifle the giggle as Alice's teeth impaled her bottom lip. It seemed the latter was the evident winner.

"Don't get too cold, and just keep an eye on the tide."

"Yes, Uncle Jacob," I grinned, shoving my hands in my pockets.

"Smart-ass," he chuckled, opening his front door.

I turned and walked towards the ocean. I wasn't sure exactly where the beach was in reference to the house, so I followed the sound of the waves and the gray water until I found the same empty parking lot we'd parked in before.

The air was refreshing here. It seemed like something I needed without really knowing it at all. The fog that seemed to fill my mind from this morning slowly dissipated leaving me feeling normal.

I wandered down the beach letting my mind sort through the jumble of thoughts I had been avoiding all this time. I had gone from nothing to having too much. I had two guys in my life that seemed to complicate things more than I thought was possible. The one I was in love with was unattainable. He was already someone else's. I needed to accept that and stop avoiding him. I was the one that made the assumption he was single. I could have hated him, but I needed him in my life. As much as I hated to admit it, I needed to know he was alright, I needed to talk to him, I needed to forgive him.

Then there was Edward. He was nothing like the person that had been described to me the last time I was on this beach. I had opened up to him and told him the truth and he'd accepted me. Perhaps he'd chosen to look at the person I was now, and ignored the situation I had been in. Whatever it was, he had been sweet about it, and the dynamic between us finally changed.

I didn't know if I was ready for that change, but I had to accept it now that it had transgressed. Edward was important to me. Just as important as Jasper had been and always would be, but different. I didn't think I could live without him in my life either.

I knew I wasn't with him out of pity or convenience, I really did care. I just couldn't remove the nagging in the back of my mind whenever Jasper's name came up, or his face inexplicably fluttered across my mind.

I was beginning to wonder if it would be the same the other way around. He'd managed to break through the despair I felt after the whole situation with Jasper, he never gave up, he was always patient, and now . . . now I cared about him. I liked being with him, I liked the way it felt when we cuddled watching a movie, or held hands as we walked together. He was becoming too important to me to walk away from.

So there was no choosing to be done. Even if Jasper was single, I had to believe I would make this choice, I had to believe that I would give whatever Edward and I had a shot. He deserved that. If Edward was willing to take the chance on me, I would take a chance on him. We owed one another that, we were good together.

I also had to forgive myself and Jasper. He was the reason I was here to begin with. He was the reason I slept in a warm bed, took a shower every morning. I may not be living in his house anymore, but he took a chance on me and helped me, when he could have easily walked away.

He changed my life and for that, I needed him to be in my life. I would make more of an effort with him. I would try to be his friend, even if it killed me . . . because I wanted so much more.

I stopped walking and shook my head in frustration. That last statement was exactly what I needed to avoid. I had made up my mind, hadn't I?

"Bella!"

I turned around and smiled as Leah ran towards me gracefully. Her long dark hair trailing behind her in the wind. She slowed when she reached me and gave me a warm smile.

"Do you mind if I walk with you? I just went to Jake's and . . ." She shook her head. "I may never get the image out of my head, but I need to try."

"Did you . . .?"

"Yes, I don't know what I was thinking just walking in there like that, I didn't realize you'd come down here. I'm surprised my eyes aren't bleeding." She shuddered delicately.

I couldn't help but laughing at her. She look traumatized.

"So what are you doing down here all alone?"

"Thinking, the sea air helps."

"It does. I'm sorry about all that shit with Jasper. Embry is his sparring partner and the boys been a mess."

I was surprised to hear that he'd been boxing. He'd given me the impression that he didn't particularly enjoy it. It had always been something his dad had pushed him to do.

"He does it when he's upset," Leah interjected with a small smile. "He's a good guy, Bella. I don't know what happened between the two of you, and it's none of my business, but I do know Jasper."

"I know," I sighed, kicking the pebbles at my feet. "I just let things get too far gone. Then I started seeing Edward, and . . ."

"You're seeing, Edward?"

I nodded, feeling the blush rise on my cheeks. I knew the people on the reservation had a negative experience with him that left a bad taste in their mouth, but I could say with all honesty he wasn't that guy anymore.

"He's really a nice guy."

Leah snorted and raised her eyebrows at me and I felt defensive.

"Really, I told him everything about my past and he didn't blink twice, I don't think he's the same guy you remember."

"Your past?"

I blew all the air from my lungs, I'd said to much in my attempt to defend Edward. I was officially an idiot. I had grown too comfortable in these kinds of setting that I no longer watched what I said around people. I had to be more careful.

"I don't come from the same background as Alice. My dad was a cop."

"That explains a lot," she smiled. "You're not half as stuck up as some of the kids that come down from Forks in the Summer. They're all so obnoxious."

"Yeah, I went to Emmett's party last night. I felt a little out of place."

"Oh, I can only imagine. I'm surprised they didn't accost you and ask where you beamer was," she laughed, straightening her back and flicking her hair over her shoulder, much in the same fashion I had noticed some of the girls doing last night. "Daddy simply couldn't have me driving anything older than next years model."

Leah rolled her eyes and relaxed her stance again. I laughed with her as we continued to walk. The rolling of the waves was peaceful in the silence.

"Leah, do you know Lauren?"

"Jasper's ex?"

"His ex?"

"Yeah, she was the reason he started boxing with Embry. She got under his skin a lot. She's probably the worst of the bitches that live in Forks."

"When did they break up?"

"No idea," she sighed. "I figured when you and him started something."

"Do you know for sure?"

"No," Leah said, looking at me from the corner of her eye. "Is that why the two of you broke up?"

I nodded, and took a deep breath. I couldn't ask any of the questions I wanted to ask, my throat had closed up with the lump that resided there.

"I'll be honest, Bella, and say I really don't have an honest answer for you. Those two have been on and off for years. I don't even think they particularly like one another. As for when they broke up for good, I have no idea. All I get is tidbits of gossip here and there."

"No, it's fine I shouldn't have asked."

"Do you love him?"

"Who?"

"Jasper."

"Yes," I whispered, my stomach clenching with the admission.

"Do you love, Edward?"

"I don't know."

Did I love Edward? It wasn't an immediate thing like I knew with Jasper, but there was the smoldering under the surface when I thought about him like that. Was it even possible to love two people at once?

Leah didn't say any more she just nodded thoughtfully.

I was now possibly more confused than I was to begin with. There was now a chance Jasper was single, but I couldn't let go of Edward, of what we had, yet I still loved Jasper desperately. My stomach rolled painfully within me.

I was the most selfish person I had ever known. I wanted them both. I wasn't willing to give up either of them. How the hell could that be possible? Something so immediate with Jasper still made my fingers tingle and my heart pound in my chest, but the thought of losing Edward hurt.

Leah stayed with me but didn't say another word as the seed she'd planted bloomed in my head spreading directly to my heart. The roots seemed to tighten around it making a dull thud in my chest.

Maybe I had to make a sacrifice and give them both up.

"Leah!"

Leah and I turned around to see Seth loping towards us with a grin on his face.

"Hey, Bella," Seth said, slightly out of breath from his run. "Mom, told me to come and get the two of you. She made lunch."

"K."

Leah and I followed Seth back to their house silently. I could tell Leah was giving me time to think about everything, but I no longer had it in me. My brain had gone full circle a couple of times and I was still confused. Every time I thought I had answer, another question popped into my stubborn skull. It was infuriating.

By the time we got to their house, my brain beat against my skull with the resounding thumping of my pulse. I could seem to shut it down either. I couldn't concentrate, let alone think. I didn't miss the look Alice shot me when I walked in either. Concern fluttered across her eyes.

"Mom, this is Alice's friend, Bella," Leah said quietly. "Bella, this is my mom, Sue."

"Nice to meet you Mrs. Clearwater."

The woman turned to greet me with a warm smile. Her skin was the same russet as the rest of the people I had met on the reservation. Her kind face felt welcoming to me, especially seeing her smile reflected in her eyes.

"Call me, Sue, sweetheart. All the kids round her do."

"Thank you, Sue."

"It's a free for all I'm afraid, so you need to dig in before the boys get here," she laughed, guiding me into the kitchen. Every counter was filled with food.

"Wow, how many people are you feeding?"

Sue laughed heartily, her hand brushing along my arm. I could see that I hadn't offended her, but I was still curious. It looked as though she was preparing for an army.

"The boys will be back soon. They went to pick Sam up from Seattle."

I nodded and started picking up various things before moving to sit next to Alice and Jacob.

I wasn't all that hungry, but I forced myself to eat. I knew better than to waste food.

I could feel Alice's eyes on me as I ate, but I didn't raise my eyes from my plate. If anyone could read me it was her, and I really didn't feel like explaining this mess to her. Mainly, because I couldn't explain it to myself.

Alice was fidgeting beside me, trying to get my attention, I was sure. The minute the last piece of food left my plate, her hand snatched the plate from my lap, and her other hand grabbed mine, pulling me from my seat.

She worked through the room and placed the plate in the sink before towing me out of the house into the briny air. Was I really that transparent?

"What did she say?" Alice asked, her hands on her hips as she tried to catch my eyes.

"Who?" I asked, making the mistake of looking up at her.

"Leah. You were fine when you left for the beach, and you come back looking like you just found out Santa isn't real."

"He's not real?" I deadpanned.

"Bella, you can talk to me."

"Alice, I don't want you to keep having to do this."

"Do what?" she sighed, sitting on the porch steps and pulling me down with her.

I leaned against the railing and pulled my knees up to my chest. I didn't even know where to start. How do you tell your best friend that you were emotionally invested in two of the people closest to her, in a way she wouldn't want to scratch your eyes out and disown you? I couldn't, because I would react the same way. It was completely justifiable.

"I don't want you to have to be stuck in the midst of all this, Alice."

"Why does everyone keep telling me that? Am I that unreasonable?"

"No, but you're so close to everyone involved. It just seems unfair to drag you into this."

"And you think not telling me what's going on is making it any easier? Jasper was a mess last night, Edward was a mess when we left, and now you're back to looking like you did months ago. Obviously something's going on."

"I am a selfish person, Alice. I don't deserve a friend like you, and I'm so scared that what I tell you will make you hate me. Mostly because it makes me hate myself."

"Let's just start with what Leah said. Maybe that will help?"

"She told me Jasper and Lauren broke up."

Alice looked down at her feet and shook her head. Her eyes didn't meet mine for a long time.

"What aren't you saying, Alice?"

"You don't know who you want more, do you?" she asked, avoiding the question.

I closed my eyes willing the tears to stop collecting in my eyes. My bottom lips started trembling and I pulled it between my teeth. I didn't think I could stand losing her too.

"I hate this," I sobbed, burying my head in my knees. "I hate that I put myself in this position, I hate that I constantly think in circles, I hate that you're in the middle of this, and I hate that this could ruin our friendship."

I wiped my tears away with the heel of my hand as I looked up.

"I hate that I can't stand to lose either one of them. How the hell did I get here again?"

Alice slid over the step and wrapped her arms around my shaking form.

"This isn't going to come between us, Bella. Edward knew what he was getting into. I told him that you were in love with Jasper. I also told Jasper to pull his thumb out of his ass and talk to you. Instead the idiot just pushed you into Edward's arms."

I cried harder, I hated that she was justifying my behavior. I was the one that decided to let Edward know I was interested.

"Don't try and justify the shit I've done, Alice. This is all on me. My stubborn head and my bad decisions. Now I have two men that I don't want to let go of. One of them thinks I hate them, the other thinks I came here to build up the courage to end things with him. I am a despicable person."

"I'm taking you home, I think we need Ice cream and a talk!"

I laughed once and nodded, letting Alice leave me so she could say goodbye for us.

I just hoped I could figure this out.

* * *

**A/N: I feel like I should explain this chapter and the clusterfuck it turned into. Jasper being single was revealed sooner than I had planned, but Leah was a chatty cathy in my head and no matter how I wrote it, it all came back to that. I think it was needed to explain Bella's confusion. And boy is she confused! Being in her head isn't any fun at the moment! I agonized over this for a while and it's one of those chapters that took longer than normal to get out of my head. I'm interested to see what you think.**

**I hope this answered some questions from the last Bella chapter.**

**Thank you as always to the Wonderful Miztrezboo, bemylullaby, and bendingmirrors. All three are amazing!! Miz's Where the Road Meets the Sun, is phenomenal, and lets not forget Bending's amazing first one-shot/fic Setting Her Free. Both are up on my profile :)**

**A huge thank you to the Fan Fiction Rebels (www(.)fanfictionrebels(.)blogspot(.)com) for Reccing TGUTB on their site. I was honored to be their first fic rec. You guys are amazing, thank you.**

**Thank you to each and every one of you. Reviewers, you really are a phenomenal bunch. I don't know how to thank you all for letting me know exactly what you think, and for your patience. Some of you have me laughing out loud!!! Thank you!**

**Forum Girls: You make my world go round ;)**

**~Much love, big hugz ~ Weezy~  
**


	26. Unintentional Beguilement

_**All Things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer, happy TGUT Tuesday :)**_

_**

* * *

**_**Unintentional Beguilement**

_All these men that you made_  
_how we wither in the shade_  
_of your trees, on your wings_  
_we are carried to the sea_  
**_On Your Wings - Iron and Wine_**

**_

* * *

_**The whole car ride back to the Masen's house was practically in silence. I knew Alice was giving me time to think, but I really didn't want to think anymore, because I didn't have answers. I didn't even know what I wanted, which only seemed to wrap a tumult of confusion and guilt around me.

"Bella," Alice said, finally breaking the silence between us.

I shifted in my seat so I could look at her. She had both hands on the steering wheel, her eyes trained on the road.

"I know you're confused, and I wish I had answers for you, but you're the only one who has the answer to this. I have one question for you though." She hesitated, her eyes flickering to me before training back to the road in front of her.

"Okay," I said, hoping she would follow through. At this point, anything would help the webs of confusion.

"If Leah hadn't said anything, if you didn't know that Jasper was now single, what would you have done?"

It was a difficult question to answer. I had gone to the beach to think things through. Even thinking Jasper was in a relationship, I had been confused.

In some ways I had somewhat made a resolution, I had come to the conclusion that I needed to give Edward a chance. I enjoyed the time I spent with him. I had also decided to make more of an effort to renew my friendship with Jasper, because I realized I needed him in my life.

Yet, knowing he was single made me worry about whether that would be all I wanted from him. I didn't want to hurt Edward.

"I think I had decided to try something with Edward. I also decided I wanted to try and be Jasper's friend."

"What about now? What's changed?"

"What if I choose Edward and decide I've made the wrong choice? I don't want to hurt Edward like that."

Alice sighed. I could see she was becoming as conflicted as I felt about the whole thing.

"Edward's a big boy, Bella. Perhaps you should give him that choice."

"What the hell do you mean?"

"Talk to him, tell him what's going on. If he still wants to take a chance, even though he knows that you still have feelings for Jasper, that's his choice. Just don't take his options away from him or yourself."

"I can't do that."

Couldn't I? If he was aware of exactly what was going on in my head, would he prefer to have the option to continue or quit while we're ahead? I knew there was a strong chance of rejection involved, the question was, was I alright with that?

I think I was, mostly because I would have time to process everything. If he chose the other way, I would know that I was meant to give us a chance, because he was willing to take a risk on me. Maybe it wasn't the best justification in the world, but I needed it to work that way, because I just couldn't make a decision.

"You can, he will appreciate the truth, and my guess is, he'll appreciate the choice."

"I don't know what to say though, Alice. I can't just say, 'Hey, I still think I love Jasper. You okay with that?' It just seems wrong."

Alice snorted. "You would actually say it like that, Bella? Stop being so melodramatic."

"I'm not good at this kind of stuff, Alice."

Alice pulled up into the garage and cut the engine. My heart was in my throat knowing I was so close to talking to Edward. There was no way to avoid this, I lived in the same house as him and couldn't avoid him forever. Alice turned in her seat and took my hands. I knew she was going to help me out and she had no idea how much I appreciated that, there was no way I could do this alone.

"Tell him how you feel, tell him you're confused and you don't know what you want. If I were you, I would just go with it, don't over think things."

"Thanks, Alice."

She grinned and hopped out of the car, waiting for me to catch up before taking off towards the house. I felt calmer now. Knowing that I would have some kind of resolution seemed to ease my conscience. Whatever happened now was going to happen. I just had to deal with it.

I walked into the house, still unsure of how to act. Talking to Alice had been helpful, her insights made more sense to me than my own mind had. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her today. How I had thought I could deal with this on my own was beyond me.

I wasn't sure if he was waiting for us, or it was simply a coincidence, but Edward was coming down the stairs as we came in the front door. My throat felt as though it was closing over in my anxiety, and I knew Alice could sense it. Either that or I just wasn't that good at hiding my emotions.

She squeezed my hand in reassurance before taking off towards the stairs, while I stood frozen at the door, wondering how the hell I was going to do this. I could see the trepidation in Edward's eyes as he appraised me. He was worried I had reneged on everything I had told him in the last couple of weeks.

Guilt swept over me in small waves, and I welcomed it, I deserved it. Even though I was giving him the option, I knew that this shouldn't be an issue; I shouldn't have ever started something I wasn't one hundred percent committed to. I had only given him a part of myself, I was still only giving a part of myself, but now, if he chose to accept that, it was his choice, it would be his decision to take the broken part of me.

I offered him a smile as he approached me slowly, his eyes even more cautious because of the weak attempt I had offered. It was almost as though he were testing the water, unsure of how I would react to him being so close. I felt terrible that I had tainted the memory of last night with my need to over think things. I should have taken up his offer and spent the day with him, but I was selfish.

He took another step towards me; his arms seemed to find magnetism with my waist, snaking around my hips as he pulled me against his body. I relaxed in his arms, my arms circling his waist as my head came to rest on his chest. I listened to his heart thumping against his ribs as he held me close.

We needed to talk, but I reveled in the way I felt calm in his arms. The warmth of his body pressed to mine. I clung to it before I possibly lost it for good.

"You okay?" Edward asked quietly, his face burying in my hair.

I nodded and took a deep breath, readying myself for what I needed to do. What I needed to say next.

"Edward, would you take a walk with me? I think we need to talk."

Edward sighed heavily and stepped out of the embrace. His eyes met mine and he nodded once. I waited as he went to pull on his coat and shoes. My patience faltering with my nerves. I didn't want to do this, I didn't want to have this talk, but I needed him to know what was going on in my head so he could decide for himself.

We walked out into the large yard and made our way to the bench that circled one of the biggest trees in the center of the lawn. The very same place Jasper had confronted us all those weeks before. It felt like a lifetime had passed since then.

I sat first, pulling my knees to my chest as I waited for him to join me. He paced back and forth a couple of steps as I waited, his eyes flickering to me on occasion. I knew my silence to this point had made him anxious, so I almost expected this reaction from him. He was almost as easy to read as I was when he was frustrated.

"Edward, please sit down."

He looked at me, his eyes pleading. I hated seeing him like this, I hated being the one to cause this kind of reaction from him, because he didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve to have to worry about all of this when he'd been nothing but honorable and sweet to me. I could see the soundless words playing on his lips as he fought to keep back what he wanted to say. He was giving me the chance to say what I needed to first.

I patted the empty space on the bench beside me, my eyes watching every move he made. There was hesitation behind his green eyes. After another moment of deliberation, he sunk down onto the bench next to me, his body close to mine, his fingers playing with the soles of the boots I was wearing. This close, I could see the slight color change of his eyes. The green was marbled with hard black; it was his anticipation coming to the surface.

I took another deep breath, which only seemed to put him more on edge than he already was. This in itself was turning into a vicious cycle; both of us were making one another more nervous. I wasn't doing a good job of this at all. I had never in my life had to deal with something like this.

"Bella, you're killing me with this silence, please say something."

Nausea rolled through my stomach, I didn't know where it came from, but it bled into my panic making my head spin. I didn't know what to say or how to say it, and it was killing me.

"Edward, I don't even know where to start, and I sure as hell don't know how to say this."

"Saying nothing could possibly be worse than you saying something I don't want to hear. I have an idea of why you were so confused, and I can see the conflict hiding behind those brown eyes of yours. I just need you to tell me what you're thinking before I go insane."

"Edward, last night was amazing . . ."

"But?" he said, his voice full of sadness. It made it so much harder to get out what I needed to say.

"But I felt guilty, because I realized I couldn't give you all of me. Not like I want to."

"You still love, Jasper, don't you?"

"Yes, but I can't seem to stop myself from wanting you as well. I can't choose between you, Edward. So the only thing I can do is offer you a choice. I can't give you all of me, I don't even know how things will turn out, but I'm not ready to say goodbye to you. I'm not ready to let go of this without knowing that I gave it all of my effort; I like you too much to not try. It has to be your choice, I don't want to lie to you and tell you that I choose you, because all I know is that right now, I can't let what we have go."

"Bella, I . . ."

I silenced him, pushing my now cold fingers against his warm full lips. There was more and I needed him to be aware of that, I needed him to know everything before he said what he needed to. He needed to know the facts before he said anything that could give me hope or break me. I was prepared for either and yet would blame him for nothing. This was all me, this was all my selfishness that brought me to where I was now.

"I don't want to be angry at Jasper anymore. I want him in my life." I hung my head, resting my forehead on my knees. "Please, don't worry about me; I have prepared myself for anything you could say, because, quite frankly, it couldn't be any worse than what I've said to myself since waking up this morning."

Now it was my turn to be driven insane by the silence. I wanted so badly to look up from only seeing my denim clad legs, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Whether it was the pain behind his eyes, or disgust, I didn't think I could handle either right now. He deserved nothing but all of me, and I couldn't offer that to him. All I had to give was a broken part of myself, torn apart by stupidity and selfishness.

"Bella, look at me."

I couldn't do it. He asked me for one thing and I couldn't do it.

I felt his hands brush against my knees as he cupped my face in his warm hands. His body slid closer to mine, his torso against my legs. His hands lifted my head and I found I couldn't fight him, even if I'd have wanted to. I couldn't do it by my own volition, but I let him help me, because it's what he needed. It's what he deserved.

"Hey," he said, his eyes careful as he caught my gaze. A small smile played on his lips, but I drew no confidence from it. He was trying to make me comfortable, I didn't need that, I needed the truth, I needed him to tell me what he wanted before I fell apart completely. My nerves were in a tethered state, hanging on by one meager thread. I needed to know.

"I appreciate how honest you've been, Bella," he sighed, his eyes darkening again. The same black marbled his green eyes making my stomach knot in nerves.

"But," I added, as he had.

"But it doesn't change anything. I knew what Jasper meant to you the moment you came to our door. The way you acted when he saw us in this very same spot. The way you reacted to him at the party last night. I'm not stupid; I knew what I was getting into when our friendship began, even when it started developing into more. There is a chance that Jasper could be the one meant for you, but that doesn't mean I won't fight for you, for what we have."

"What if I'm not worth fighting for?"

"Silly, Bella," he laughed, his thumbs brushing under my eyes gently. "You think I haven't been fighting from the start?"

"Why? Why would you fight for someone as broken as me?"

"Don't you see? You make me happy; being with you is as easy as breathing. You're so alive and honest. Complex and beautiful. You're worth that fight, because you made me feel found when I was lost, you righted the wrong I felt and made me believe that I could be happy. We're more alike than you think, but you're so much more honest than I am. I will choose you every time, and I will take the risk, even if there's a chance I lose you."

"I hate this," I mumbled, fighting the sobs growing in my chest. I reached up and cupped the hands the still held my cheeks. "I hate that I'm so confused, I hate that you're the one taking the risk on me. I don't deserve you, but I can't let you go, I can't walk away. I'm so selfish."

"If this is selfish, bring it on," Edward chuckled playfully. He leaned forward and kissed the tip of my nose with a gentle smile. "You're not selfish for being honest. You're not selfish for being confused. You gave me more with your honesty than you needed to, and I respect that. You also told me you were willing to give me a chance, and I am going to take it, because for me, the risk is worth it."

I hated that he was being so kind, I was torn between shaking him and telling him to open his eyes and kissing him because he was more amazing than I could ever expect. Before I could even make up my mind, his lips were on mine, his fingers brushing back into my hair.

My hands ran along his arms to his shoulders as I rolled to my knees, needing to be closer, needing to feel him against me in my desperation. His arms circled around my waist and pulled my body flush against his. My tongue swept his bottom lip in my need to be molded together with him.

I moaned into his mouth as his hands ran across my body, his fingers dusting over my ribs, his thumbs brushing the sides of my breasts. It was a kiss that spoke volumes more than I could articulate. It was a thank you and a promise to try with everything I had.

It was the only thing I had to offer, a promise to try.

"Oh God, want something to season that meat, Edward?"

I grinned against Edward's lips and pulled away, my eyes finding my best friend with a Cheshire cat grin spread across her lips. I could hear Edward mentally rolling his eyes as he brushed his lips against mine one last time before pulling away.

Edward groaned and tightened his arms around my waist, pulling me into his lap.

"Neanderthal. How 'bout I grab you a club so you can hit her across the head and drag her back to the cave?" She asked, popping the last morsel of the cupcake she'd been eating into her mouth.

"Alice, be nice," I giggled, my hands brushing through Edward's hair.

Alice smiled and danced towards us, plopping herself on the bench next to us. "I just wanted to warn you that Emmett is coming to steal Edward; something about a concert in Seattle."

Edward buried his head in my neck and groaned. His arms tightened around my waist.

"I forgot, I'm sorry, Bella."

"Why are you apologizing?" I sighed, running my hands through his hair.

"Because I know now is not the time to leave, not after the conversation we've just had, but I know Emmett will not take no for an answer."

"I'll be here when you get back." I smiled.

"Promise," he whispered in my ear. Planting a small kiss behind my ear.

"I promise."

My promise seemed to placate him, and he unwillingly released me from the binds of his arms.

We all made our way back to the house. Alice was promising to keep me occupied in Edward's absence, something I knew from experience meant we would be watching movies in the media room, while eating popcorn and talking things over. Which, in all honesty, was fine with me. I didn't need anymore excitement today. A night on the couch seemed like the perfect remedy.

My prediction of a movie night was accurate. Alice had supplied the movies, while I supplied the popcorn. It was enough to distract my mind from the things I needed to think about but didn't have the effort for today. Tomorrow would be a new day, and with a fresh mind, I could think about everything else that needed to be considered, but for now I just needed blissful ignorance.

~*~

A week passed easily, and I still hadn't really given myself time to think about Jasper. I needed to give Edward and me sometime together before even considering spending time with Jasper. The prospect of talking to him scared me more than I wanted to admit.

I knew Edward felt much the same. Every time Jasper's name was brought up in conversation he tensed. So I let it go, knowing he needed all of my focus and attention. Eventually, I would do what I needed to, but for now, I had made my decision and I needed time to cement that.

Edward and I fell asleep together every night, his arms locked around me as though I would disappear if he let me go. More often than not, we fell asleep in the media room in front of the television and stayed there. It seemed easier that way. The Masen's seemed to have figured out that there was something more than friendship between us, and though they were always very kind, they let us know, in no uncertain terms, that they were keeping an eye on us.

We hadn't had sex since the night of the party, and though we'd never spoken about it, it was a mutual thing. Edward didn't push and neither did I. I wasn't sure if my honesty the day after had maybe made him believe it was the trigger for me needing to think in the first place. I couldn't displace that theory, because I didn't know myself.

We were practically inseparable, and for now, I was alright with that. I knew we couldn't live in this little bubble we'd formed forever. Whether Edward was comfortable with it or not, eventually I would have to talk to Jasper.

Rosalie and Emmett were still home and would be for another week, and in order to spend some time with them, we would have to risk bumping into Jasper. Alice had already tried to convince us to go and spend time with them. The weather was freakishly nice for this time of year.

Today was the first time I wasn't immersing myself with Edward, I had promise Alice I would spend time with her, and we had driven down to Seattle to see how the development of the Swan Bridge of Hope was coming along. They had gutted the building and were in the process of adding a second floor to the large space so they could have more apartments.

Alice and I had walked around in hard hats as she pointed out where things would end up going and all of the things she hoped would help people in the long run. She lost me when she started getting into the technicalities of the charity licensing. According to Alice the paperwork alone had given her carpal tunnel.

It still amazed me that at eighteen she was able to pull all of this off.

"How did you do it, Alice?" I asked as we sat on the ferry. The sun was beating off the water leaving sparkling ripples on the sides of the ferry. It was bright, something I wasn't used to but was enjoying all the same.

"Do what?" She smiled, rolling the arms of her sweater up so the could catch some of the sun.

"The charity. I know you were telling me about the licensing, but I mean the money, the permits, I know it takes a lot to set that kind of thing up."

She grinned at me, and turned her body so she was facing me.

"Sometimes, knowing influential people can be a plus. My mom belongs to a large charitable association it branches out into a lot of other areas. They agreed to back me with my endeavor. Having them for the foundation opened up doors."

"Your Mom, didn't ask questions?"

"Of course she did," Alice laughed, relaxing back into her seat and closing her eyes as she basked in the sun. "But telling her it would look great on my college application seemed to ease her mind. When she asked why this particular thing, I lied."

Alice opened one eye to peek at me.

"I didn't tell her anything about you, Bella. I told her I saw a homeless woman with her child. With your information I was able to make a detailed case study about it. She thought it sounded like a good idea."

"Thanks, Alice."

"I like to think that if I'd of had a chance I would have come up with it eventually, but I was blind, Bella. I chose to ignore everything I saw when I came here, because it was put away, hidden from the tourist traps that we visit."

"You would have seen it, Alice. You're just one of those rare people who care. The homeless mother may never have existed, but that's all it would have taken for you to see it."

Alice smiled, but I could see her self doubt behind her eyes. She had no idea what an amazing person she really was. Even with everything that had happened she had only ever been there for me. She was the person I turned to when my world started crumbling.

When we got into Forks, I was ready for a hot bath and an evening of cuddling with Edward on the couch. Unfortunately, Alice seemed to have other plans. She turned the opposite direction to her house and pulled up a long drive way to a house I hadn't ever seen before.

"Where are we going?"

"Rosalie's," she answered with a smile.

My heart pounded in my chest. I knew she was up to something.

"Why?"

"We're _all_ hanging out tonight." She said innocently, but I didn't miss the emphasis on the all.

My nervousness seemed to make a ringing in my ears. All of us in the same room, together. This was going to be interesting.

* * *

**A/N: Forgive Alice, I know at the beginning of the Chapter you all may have been a little confused with her advice. All she was trying to do was give the only advice she could. Honesty is the best policy and I think it was the only advice she could give her because all she wants is for Bella to be happy.**

**That being said, sorry for the cliffhanger . . . *snort***

**Alice would like to thank Hev for the cupcake, she didn't share with the others but it's okay ;)**

**Thank you to miztrezboo (**_Author of The Appointments and Where the Road Meets the Sun_**), bemylullaby (**_between projects_**) and bending mirrors (**_Setting her free, Top secret Project_**) They are all my hand holders and I love them to death. .Thank you ladies for always being patient with me :)**

**To the ladies of the forum. You guys are amazing, thank you for being there and asking questions, and just making me smile all the time. You guys rock :)**

**To each and everyone of you who review, thank you. You really have no idea how much I appreciate you taking the time to let me know what you think. Each and every one of you are amazing, and I adore reading what you have to say. So thank you.**

**Sorry, my A/N's have become huge, I apologize :)**

**Much love, big hugz ~Weezy~**


	27. Hidden Requisite

_**All things Twilight belong to awesome Stephenie Meyer. **_

* * *

**Hidden Requisite**

_I'm born but I'm alive,_  
_Live by the rules, not by the sky,_  
_What lies beneath your eyes,_  
_Is beautiful, you're delicate,_  
_When I'm far away I still remember_**_,_****_  
_****_Switch - Black Bud_****_  
_****_  
_**

* * *

"Stop freaking out, Bella. I can see it in your eyes. It'll be fine."

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"You would have refused to go."

I crossed my arms and threw myself back in the seat. She was right of course, I would have refused and made her take me home. Alice knew me better. She knew I would fight the change now that I had made a decision, because seeing him was going to hurt like hell.

Now that Edward knew how I felt, I was sure that he was going to be a little more possessive of my company when it came to spending time with Jasper or the group. I was nervous about how this was going to go down. I knew I would stand by my decision to try, and that's all I had promised, but this last week had made me happy. I didn't want to go into a downward spiral back to where I had been last week.

"Edward's on his way over. I should warn you though, this is going to be awkward at first. Edward is going to go to great lengths to make Jasper know that you're his. It may turn into one giant pissing competition."

"Great," I groaned, rolling my head on the head rest to look at her.

"It had to be done. You can't avoid him forever."

"I know, I'm just . . ."

"Scared, worried, concerned, or all of the above?"

"All of the above. Alice, I . . . I'll deal with it!"

I couldn't say it aloud, even if I knew that she was aware of what I was about to say. She knew that I was scared that the moment things became cordial between Jasper and I, I would struggle with my decision. I loved Jasper, nothing had changed since I walked out of his door in late December, but I wanted Edward too. I wasn't ready to throw that away, and I didn't want to second guess myself the first time I was close to Jasper.

I cringed as I realized I was talking in circles again. I had to do something before I talked myself into a mess. Talking to Edward had made me realize that I had wanted to try having whatever it was we had together, and I had committed to that, happily.

I tugged on the door handle of the car and unbuckled my seat belt and slid out of the car. If I was going to have to do this, it had to be now, so I couldn't torture myself over-thinking it all. I had to march in there without thinking at all.

Alice danced around the car and met me at the front as we headed over the gravel to another ancient looking house in the middle of a perfectly manicured lawn. What was it with these people and their replica houses?

The massive red brick cube with chimneys was just as intimidating as the rest of the houses I had been to since I had arrived. I half expected the front door to open and an older woman with a body warmer and flat cap to step outside with a shotgun cocked over her arm, and a pack of foxhounds at her heels. Maybe I read too many books. No eighteen year old should have that visual, especially having never been to England.

"I know, another over the top house, but the Hale's couldn't be outdone by the Masen's. Sadly though, it's got less square footage, which Mrs. Hale wasn't happy about, but to me, it's a lot prettier that our house. Less aged looking."

My mouth dropped open as I looked at her, either she'd lost her mind or she was trying to distract me. I knew for a fact that she never spoke like that, she normally admonished anything that sounded even remotely materialistic.

"What?" Alice asked grinning.

"You! I've never heard you talk like that before."

She laughed her bell like peal before hooking her arm through mine. "I know, it's just that I love this house. It's my second favorite here."

"I'm afraid to ask, but what's your first?"

"Carlisle's. It's a beautiful French revival, very classic lines and it's just such a happy place. Still not as big as the 'Masen manor,' but no one was going to beat it, mom and dad made sure of that."

"Who are you?"

"The girl who's majoring in architecture," she grinned.

"You decided," I sang. I wrapped my arms around her neck in happiness. She and I had talked about this for a month at least. She had been accepted to her college of choice, but she still wasn't exactly sure what she was signing up for.

"I did, and as soon as school's back in, I'm going to see the counselor."

"That's so exciting, you get to . . ." I trailed off as I realized where exactly we were standing. The large living room was centered around a large ornate fireplace with a flat screen television above it. There was a basketball game playing, but all the occupants of the room had their eyes on us.

The striking blue of Jasper's stood out to me, captured me in their intensity as he watched us curiously. I tried to shift my gaze, my heart pounded in my chest as it made its way up into the cavity of my throat. I hated that I had this reaction to him, I hated that these emotions were the first to appear when I found the endless blue of his eyes.

"Bella, I'm so glad you came." I heard Rosalie's voice, but I couldn't pull myself away to look at her. Neither could Jasper. We were locked into one another, nothing else in the room really making any impact on us at all.

It wasn't until Alice elbowed me in the ribs that I was able to even blink. As soon as I broke contact, I looked to Rosalie, avoiding Jasper's direction completely. I couldn't do that, not here, not ever. Edward would be here any moment. I needed for him to know that he was the one that I had chosen to be with, that I could be trusted around Jasper, even if he and I did have to speak eventually.

"Hey, Rosalie. Thanks for inviting me."

Rosalie laughed, as her long arms wrapped around me and pulled me to her. "Well, that's just the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Of course you're invited."

With that admission I was able to laugh and shake off the last of the strange feeling that had pulled me in to begin with. I could do this; I could be in the same room with him and not lose my mind. I could be an adult about this and not freak the hell out because I lost all coherency when I was near him.

It would be difficult to talk to him about all of this. I wasn't sure if I could do that today, but I would do it eventually to clear the air between us. I was incapable of hating him.

"Hey Emmett, Hey Jasper." My voice was even as I said his name, even if my heart took off in my chest as I said it.

"Bella, were you gonna avoid us our last week in town?" Emmett asked, feigning hurt, as his large frame rose from the comfortable looking couch.

"Would I?" I giggled as I walked into his open arms. Emmett was so much bigger than both Edward and Jasper, but so gentle. I couldn't ever feel uncomfortable in his presence. His jovial demeanor and teasing remarks made him feel like a big brother.

His thick arms closed around me as he crushed me against his chest as he laughed playfully. His ever present dimples indenting his cheeks with his amusement.

"I think you would," he laughed, releasing me as I started to squirm in his arms. I grinned playfully at him as I stepped back from his embrace.

"Emmett, leave her alone."

I turned at the sound of Edward's voice and gave him the biggest smile I was capable of. He winked at me, holding out his hand for me to take. I'd taken heed of Alice's warning in the car, and I had to give him this.  
_  
__I could do this.__  
_  
I knew Edward was staking his claim in the timeless male tradition, but I couldn't help but cringe internally. I had essentially picked Edward, but I didn't feel as though I needed to display it with neon lights and a blinking sign in front of Jasper. I was sure he already knew.

I took his hand, letting him pull me into his chest.

"Edward!" Alice hissed under her breath. How long had he known that this was happening? They'd obviously talked about this and discussed how he would act in this situation. It made me feel even more out of the loop.

Edward's lips brushed my forehead, but he left it at that, tucking me under his arm as he greeted the rest of his friends, curtly nodding in Jasper's direction as he said his name. I made the mistake of looking at Jasper to gauge his reaction.

His pain was well hidden behind the mask I knew he liked to place over what he didn't want seen. But I had, in the short time I'd known him, managed to pick it out of every one of his other looks. I knew when he was hiding from a situation, I knew when he was trying to hold back something he desperately wanted to say, I could see what he was so clearly trying to conceal.

Pain etched the eyes of the face that held no sign of discomfort.

My stomach lurched for him, and for Edward, and for the pain I had inflicted on them both.

We finally moved past the cold greetings and sat to watch the game. I sat with Edward naturally, his hand entwined with mine as he comfortably lounged against the arm of the couch. His thumb absently brushing circles against the back of my hand.

With occasional glances I could see Jasper scowling at our entwined fingers, before returning to the screen above the fireplace. I tried to relax in the room, but it was impossible. The tension was so thick it could be cut with a knife. Yet, I couldn't pull away from Edward. I would hurt him.

Emmett screamed at the television as the game progressed, making me jump in my seat every time he lurched forward to express his anger at the players. Rosalie and Alice insisted on going to the kitchen to get drinks after his language took a turn for the worse and the expletives seemed to overshadow any other words in his vocabulary.

"I swear he gets worse every game, he just can't seem to help himself, and he wants me to buy him tickets? Can you imagine his ass getting thrown out for the language alone?"

Rosalie shook her head as she pulled open the fridge, grabbing three bottles of water and handing one to Alice and I. She pushed the door closed and leaned against it, smiling at me sweetly.

"How mad were you?" Rosalie asked, unscrewing the cap and rolling it in her fingers with a nervous energy I wasn't even aware she was capable of.

"Not mad," I smiled, swallowing the small lump that formed in the back of my throat. "Surprised, scared, and nervous are closer to the truth."

"I'm sorry, it was my idea. I just got tired of not seeing you two. I figured it wouldn't be so bad if you were forced into it the first time around."

"A little warning would have been nice, but Alice knew I would have bailed. I guess it was for the best, just getting it out of the way so it wouldn't be so awkward."

"Does that mean you'll hang out more often?" Rosalie asked, hopeful.

"I guess so," I grinned. "I don't want you resorting to extreme measures."

Rosalie grinned and winked. "Because you know I'm capable."

"That's what scares me."

We all set off in a paroxysm of giggles. I'm sure it was all for different reasons. Rosalie, because she was thinking exactly what she would do to get her own way. Alice, knowing the extents Rosalie would go to, and me out of humor and nervous energy.

It took a while for any of us to calm down, by the time I was laughed out, I had to excuse myself and find the restroom. The house was a maze of corridors and it took three wrong turns before I found the right door.

"Bella?" Jasper's voice said, startling me.

"Hey, Jasper," I answered, my heart pounding insanely in my chest while I kept the same calm exterior I had used earlier. We were completely alone together for the first time in months.

"I just wanted to apologize for last weekend. I was trying to explain that . . ." He rubbed his neck uncomfortably. "Well, I guess, that it wasn't what it looked like. I would love to find the time to explain what really happened, and to apologize for overreacting at the Masen's. It's just . . ."

"Jasper," I interrupted. It was the first real breath he'd taken since starting to talk. "You don't have to explain."

"I can't stand the thought of you hating me, Bella," he said, stepping forwards once and closing the distance between us. He was careful not to touch me, but I could feel his breath dancing across my cheeks. "All this time, you have to know I hated myself more than you could ever hate me."

"I don't hate you," I whispered. "I don't think I ever could."

"You should, I should have told you everything from the beginning. You were nothing but honest with me from the start. And I neglected to bring up the one thing in my past that could hurt you the most."

"It's in the past though, Jasper. We can't change what happened, what's done is done, I'm just through being mad at you, being mad at myself. I miss you, I miss having you in my life."

I'd said too much, and I hoped he'd taken it the way I'd intended it. I didn't want him to think I meant that things would go back to the way they were.

"I want to be your friend," I added on as an after thought.

Jasper smiled, it was the first genuine smile I had seen from him in a while and it made my heart swell. His hands, twitched as though they wanted to take mine, but dropped to his side before he had a chance to do anything.

"I still want to explain things to you. You need to know the truth."

"I know, I just don't think now is the time. So much has happened; I think we just need a chance to build trust again."

"Bella, I . . ."

"Bella?" Edward's voice filled the silent corridor making me jump. I looked past Jasper and gave him a reassuring smile. He knew that Jasper and I would have to talk eventually; I just hoped he didn't misconstrue the situation.

His answering smile and wink, made me feel better. For the first time in a while, things felt as though they could work out.

"Thanks, Jasper."

I stepped back and disappeared into the bathroom and pushed the door closed. The room was dark without the light on, but I wasn't ready to see myself in the mirror. I knew there would be this wild smugness about myself at being able to say the things I needed to say without panicking. I leaned back against the door and hit my head hard.

_I am an idiot!_

"I heard that!" Jasper's low voice said outside of the door, followed by a chuckle.

"Of course you did." I laughed, sliding my hand against the wall to find the light switch. "Go watch the game, Jasper! I'll be out in a minute."

I listened for the silence that followed his departure, and wondered briefly whether Edward was still out there or not. I opened the door and stuck my head out. The corridor was empty.

~*~

I spent the entire day at the Hale house with my friends. The small chat I had with Jasper seemed to ease the tension that had filled the room, we were able to talk normally without dancing around the elephant in the room. Jasper and I relaxing seemed to make everyone else symbiotic.

By the time we left, I was beginning to feel hopeful that things would work out eventually.

The week of having Rosalie and Emmett home seemed to fly by too quickly. In no time at all they were leaving to go back to New York. We'd all spent so much time together that things were beginning to feel less complicated.

Jasper and I talked about everything but the one thing that had come between us and the memories of those last few weeks together. It was just too painful for me, and I knew he must feel the same way. We still had that ease between us, and a couple of times I found myself having to consciously watch my hands because the urge to touch him was so great.

Edward didn't complain to me, but I knew that it was affecting him more every time we hung out with Jasper. He'd taken to touching me any way he could, starting up conversations about the things he and I did when we were along together, so Jasper would feel left out. Not to mention, we still hadn't attempted to have sex again.

Jasper seemed to take it all in his stride, but I could see the slight hurt behind his eyes when Edward's lips brushed across my throat, or his hands ghosted down my sides as he came up from behind me. Yet, I couldn't ask Edward to stop. I couldn't ask him to stop the one thing that made him feel more connected to me than Jasper, because I knew he was threatened by our conversations.

A week after Rosalie and Emmett had gone back to New York, I had no choice but to ask Alice her advice. We only ever spent time with Jasper when she and Jacob were around, so I knew she was seeing it first hand.

Edward had gone into Seattle with his dad for a Mariners game, and Alice and I were spending a day at the house like we used to. We were watching one of Alice's favorite movies in the family room like I had with Edward hundreds of times since I'd moved in here.

"Hey, Alice," I asked timidly. It was a warning about the subject I was about to broach.

"Yeah?"

"Has Edward . . . has he talked to you?"

"About what?" Alice asked, her eyes widening as her curiosity piqued.

"I dunno, I just . . . well I just, I know he feels uncomfortable with me being friends with Jasper, but I feel like he's not saying something. Like he's afraid he'll push me away if he tells me how he's feeling."

I pulled my knees up to my chest as I waited for Alice's answer. One thing I knew for certain was that Alice would be honest with me. I knew she would tell me if what I was doing was wrong. I knew that getting close to Jasper was a risk knowing the way I still felt about him, but I was still trying to keep my indifference, because things with Edward were still as great as they always had been.

"I know it's a little strange for him because he knows how you feel about Jasper, but he also knows that nothing has changed between the two of you. You're still the same Bella whether you're around Jasper or not, and it's almost as though he's waiting for it to change. I told him to stop being so pessimistic, but it's Edward we're talking about."

"I just wish he'd talk to me about it. If I knew how he felt, it would be easier to not do the things that make him upset. I know he's a little jealous, and he has every right to be, it's just, if he doesn't talk to me, I'll never know when or if I've overstepped that line with him."

"Why would you over step? You treat Jasper the same way you treat Jacob. I don't think you've got anything to worry about there, but he's never going to be okay with it, because he knows your history together."

I tried to put myself in his situation. I tried to reverse the roles in my head, and I didn't like what I saw at all. If Edward had given me the choice to have him instead of someone else, but he still wanted to be close friends with the person he was still in love with, I wouldn't be half as controlled as he was being.

"God, what am I doing?" I cried into my knees, the frustration evident in every syllable.

"You're being a friend, Bella. Look, I can't say I understand this, I can't even imagine being attracted to two people, but the point is you have to follow your heart. Edward's my brother, I love him, but you gave him the option to walk away. Jasper, well he's just happy to have you in his life again. He missed his friend."

"I just keep putting myself in Edward's position, and I know I wouldn't be happy either. The only way to stop him feeling like this is to stay away from Jasper completely."

"You can't do that though, can you?"

"I don't think I can," I sighed.

"Then just be his friend like you have been. I know you're afraid of hurting Edward, but just try and spend time with him too." She put up her hand as I opened my mouth to speak. "I know you have been and that's all you can do."

Maybe she was right, I couldn't give up either of them at the moment while I was still working through everything. I knew that I was still in love with Jasper, and having him as a friend was so much more than I'd hoped for, but I felt guilty for putting Edward through this because I loved spending time with him. The way he was with me seemed to push everything to the wayside; it was just us in our own bubble. I wanted it to be enough, but I still wasn't sure it was.

After my talk with Alice, I tried to spend more time with Edward, even when we were around Jasper. I made an effort to hold his hand or sit in his lap while we all talked. I hovered by his side, always touching him in some way. It seemed to placate him a little and he was more relaxed.

Things finally started falling into somewhat of a routine, I spent more time with Edward and I loved spending time with him alone. We were working slowly towards the level of intimacy we'd had before I had spoken to him. The kissing was always amazing, the fooling around always so pleasurable, but I was almost afraid that sleeping with him again would send me back into the confusion I had suffered before. I needed to know what I wanted completely before I gave myself over like that again.

Edward was more understanding than he should have been about the smaller things like that, I could sense his frustration, but I could also see his own reluctance to take the last step again. I hated that I was so unsure, that I still had unanswered questions in my own mind. I hated that I still had such a pull to the one person I shouldn't.

My confusion was still there, and the guilt that came with it seemed to shadow my every step. I couldn't keep living like this, but I couldn't make a decision yet. I needed more time.

* * *

**A/N: So they talked :) YAY!!! I know she still didn't let him explain, but it was beginning to feel like flogging a dead horse, and I think she kind of assumed it after her conversation with Leah anyway. No one wants salt rubbing in their wounds lol.**

**First, I would like to say a huge huge thank you to my awesome beta cravingtwilight who works fourteen hour days and still finds time to correct my clumsy mistakes. You Rock girl and like I said I'm sorry *massive hugs***

**Secondly, to the girls who hold my hand. Miztrezboo, bemylullaby and bendingmirrors. I say it every week; but you should check out their fics. So amazing!!! All links are on my profile ;) The first chapter of Bendingmirrors Fall at Your Feet is now up, it's awesome!!!**

**Then of course the forum girls Catmasters, hev99, salix caprea and everyone else who comes in to chat, you guys are awesome, thank you :)**

**And last, but certainly not least, to the reviewers. You continually challenge me with your questions and observations, keeping me on my toes while I try and dance around and find an answer for you. Each and every one of you are phenomenal. Thank you so very much :)**

**Sorry about the long A/N, works is nuts so I have to get this up now or it won't be done!**

**Much love, big hugz ~Weezy~  
**


	28. Transgression Vs Indispensability

_**All things Twilight belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer. Happy TGUT Tuesday :)**_

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**Transgression Vs.****Indispensability**

_Comparing photos then and now, now and then,_  
_Just wondering…(wondering) where it all went wrong_  
_It's complicated,_  
_(This time I think it could be)_  
_Triangulated,_  
**_Loose Ends - Imogen Heap_****_  
_**

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Time.

I asked for it and I got, and I still had no answers. Another two weeks had passed since I'd pep talked myself and not much had changed at all. I was still riddled with guilt every time I was in the vicinity of both men, because I was forced to think about the one thing I could avoid when I was alone with Edward. My undiminished love for Jasper.

Alice had been trying to get me to talk about it, but I couldn't keep depending on her to give me answers, to help me work through this mess I had created. I was the one that induced this and I needed to find a solution.

I didn't know what I wanted anymore.

"You ready to go, gorgeous?" Edward asked, sticking his head in my room.

"I am," I said, giving him a smile. It used to make me blush when he used terms of endearment for me, but now it was more unusual if he didn't call me by one.

We were all going out to dinner in Port Angeles tonight for Jacob's birthday. Alice had been planning it for weeks, she wanted to make sure he had the perfect birthday because he'd made her eighteenth so magical. I didn't even ask what that was, her blush told me everything I didn't want to know.

I took the hand Edward offered me and let him guide me out of my room, and down the stairs where Alice and Jasper were waiting for us. Jasper had arranged to meet us here so Alice wouldn't have to make too many stops along the way.

I didn't miss the tightening of Edward's hand around my own when Jasper's eyes lit up at the sight of me. I'd been noticing that more and more lately. Even though he never tried to be anything other than a friend to me, it seemed he found it harder and harder to hide his emotions around me. I wasn't the only one to notice either. Edward had made a comment about that on more than one occasion.

"You two ready to go?" Alice asked, pulling on her coat and heading towards the front door. We had to pick up Jacob, so we were leaving early to get there on time for our reservations.

"I am," I grinned. "Let me just grab my coat."

I hurried to the closet under the stairs and pulled my jacket out, I didn't want to make us late so I was trying to be mindful of the time. Edward, ever the gentleman, took the jacket from me and held it open.

I slipped my arm inside the first sleeve and turned to face him as I slid the other into the hole. His body was closer to mine than I'd thought, his heat seemed to fill the small space between us. When he pulled the two sides of the jacket together at the front, he used his hold on the fabric and pulled me to him, his lips brushing mine.

"You look beautiful, Bella," he whispered, his forehead resting gently against mine.

"Thank you," I giggled nervously, raising my eyes to meet his. "You don't look half bad yourself."

He leaned down into me and pressed his lips against my neck as he reached into the closet and pulled out his jacket. He nibbled gently on the skin there, making my breathing hitch in my chest and a shiver run down my spine, just before stepping back and pulling on his jacket. There was a small smile on his lips as he realized that my breathing had picked up a little with his affectionate display.

"What was that for?" I grinned. Taking his offered hand.

"Do I have to have a reason to kiss you?" he laughed, squeezing my hand as he guided us back to the door. The foyer was empty, which meant that Alice and Jasper were already in the car waiting for us.

Edward pulled the front door to the house closed behind us and walked us to where the Yukon was sat. He opened the door and followed me in after I slid into the middle of the seat. I settled in, smoothing out my wrap dress.

The car was silent as we drove to the small town on the coast, and the tension could be cut with a knife. I wasn't sure what had changed since the last time we'd all hung out, which just happened to be yesterday, but the air was so much thicker now. It was even more coagulated than it had been that day at Rosalie's house.

It wasn't until we pulled up to Jacob's house that I realized where the melting pot of emotions were stemming from. Jasper had slid from the front seat the moment Jacob had come in to view and opened the door on the other side of me. He was going to be sitting in the back with us, I was going to be sitting between him and Edward. Why the hell didn't I see this sooner?

My heart pounded in my chest at the proximity of his body to mine. He slid into the seat next to me with a subtle ease. His smell seemed to infiltrate my mind and the heat flooded my cheeks as our thighs touched. The one thing I hadn't done since we had become friends was touch him, and this was exactly the reason why. The electricity that charged between us seemed to crackle in the small space making the tension grow even more palpable.

Edward shifted in his seat and brought his arm over my shoulder as he pulled me into his side. Cool air immediately replaced the warmth of Jasper's body next to mine. I didn't want to feel the disappointment coursing through my body but it was there. It infiltrated my mind stirring up another batch of confusion mixed in with guilt for feeling those things when I was supposed to be with Edward.

The car ride to Port Angeles was perhaps even more maladroit after that. With Edward clearly staking his claim, Jasper was becoming, what I could only describe as, jealous. His eyes bore into where Edward's hands and arms touched my body, a small scowl played on his brow as he watched Edward's fingers absently brushing against my arm.

It was possibly the most uncomfortable car trip I had ever taken in my life, and that included the one after I'd been hit by a car. That crackling pop had been drowned out by the copious amounts of testosterone in the air. It was stifling. They continued to chatter away with Alice and Jacob as their silent battle commenced. I was the only one that wasn't talking, I couldn't, I felt a little claustrophobic.

I wanted to tell them both to stop it; they were making things worse by puffing out their chests and trying to make a point. Today wasn't about any of this or us or the stupid decision I knew I had to eventually make, because in reality I had to make it. Giving Edward the choice was always a temporary solution. Now was not the time for this though. Today was Jacob's birthday and Alice had put a lot of effort into making this a good night for him.

By the time we got to Port Angeles I was practically ready to crack their skulls together. Jasper had made a point to let his hands sit at his side; his pinkie grazing my thigh whenever we hit a bump in the road or took a corner. Edward, seeing this, had made a point to hang his arm over my shoulder so his fingers would graze my breast when we hit bumps. I was now exhausted and my jaw was hurting from clenching my teeth together.

I knew this was all my doing but they didn't have to react to one another like this.

As soon as Alice had parked and we were in the restaurant being seated, she excused us and dragged me to the bathroom. I had been silent from the moment Jasper had climbed in the back seat, even though everyone else seemed to be chattering along happily as I was pulled between them in their mental game of tug-o-war.

"Bella, I'm sorry, I didn't think either of them would do that. I don't know what the hell got into them but I will be saying something to them tomorrow."

"It's my fault, Alice. I'm the one that put the two of them in this position to begin with."

"That's bullshit and you know it, Bella. Do they really think acting like a pair of cavemen will change your mind? What about that little display was endearing? None of it, it was a urinating competition to see who could piss the other one off."

"Just let it go. I'll deal with it later." I could hear the defeat in my own tone.

"No, they will not be pulling that shit on the way home, one of them can sit in the trunk if they want to act like that, and I'm not above pulling to the side of the road to make it happen either."

I smiled and kissed her on the temple before tugging on her hand. "Come on, it's Jacob's birthday. You're the one he wants to spend time with. Not Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum."

Alice looped her arm through mine and walked me out of the bathroom.

I was sat between Alice and Edward, but facing Jasper. It was another awkward position to be in, but Alice seemed to keep them both in check with a single glare. We managed to make the birthday dinner enjoyable for Jacob too. Things were finally becoming relaxed again and I wasn't even sure I wanted to get in the car to go home just yet. I didn't want to have to deal with it all again, we were just starting to have fun. Getting stuck between Edward and Jasper in another testosterone fueled feud wasn't my idea of a good time.

I knew that Alice and Jacob would want to be alone, so I let it go. We made our way out of the restaurant and to the car. I sat in the middle again but neither Edward nor Jasper bothered me this time.

The drive back to Forks was a quiet one, and after forty five minutes of nothing being said, I decided to take the initiative and start the conversation. The silence was making me more nervous than if they had been screaming at one another.

"Are we doing anything tomorrow? I watched the weather and it said it was going to be a warmish day again." _The weather Bella?__  
__  
_Everyone looked at me; Alice's eyes were watching me in the rear view mirror full of humor. I wasn't one of those people that could pull an interesting and relevant conversation out of thin air, and the silence was driving me to distraction.

"We could go to the lake?" Alice said after one beat too many, she was making me suffer. "Take a picnic and a football, just relax a little."

"Do you think it will be warm enough to swim? It's been warm the last couple days."

"We can see when we get there. It's doubtful, but eh, cold water never hurt anyone."

"No, hypothermia never killed anyone," Edward laughed sarcastically.

"You know what I mean, Edward. Quit being a smart ass. You in?"

"Can't, going to the Mariners game with Dad again."

"Jasper?" Alice asked, looking in the rear view again.

"Sure, could be fun." He looked at me as he said it. I couldn't stop my heart from reacting to the way his eyes drank me in. There was nothing leery or lewd about it, more curiosity. I think he was attempting to gauge my reaction to his accepting of the invitation. My heart was a traitor, but externally, I held it together because I knew I had an audience.

The same couldn't be said for Edward; he tensed beside me and I heard the slight click of his jaw as he clenched it. I knew that he hated that we were going to go ahead and go to the lake without him, but I couldn't cancel just because he wasn't there. That would hurt Jasper's feelings.

It was always such a balance with the two of them, always tipping one way or the other with anything I did. I hated that their feeling were so connected to my decisions. I more often than not arranged what I was doing to keep Edward feeling comfortable with the situation, but I couldn't always do that. I couldn't live my whole life around whether he was comfortable or not. If he didn't trust me, which, in all honesty, he had no reason to, what we had would never go anywhere.

That was if I ever made my damn mind up and stopped hurting the two people I want to make happy.

Tomorrow was just another day with friends, not a date. Just a group of us together going to the lake to enjoy the weather. At least that's what I kept telling myself, because it didn't stop the guilt from flooding my system again. So again, I tried to make things more comfortable.

"Maybe we could invite some of the people from the Reservation and make a day of it?" I asked timidly, averting my eyes from Jasper. He wasn't stupid, he knew what I was doing just as well as I did, but I didn't want to see the twinge of pain dance behind the blue that had held a spark of happiness.

Alice nodded, always seemingly attuned to what I was trying to do. "That would be fun. I know Seth loves playing football, and Leah kicks ass as a quarter back. Girls against guys?"

I smiled and nodded, not that I would be playing. I was just hoping that a larger group would appease Edward. We chatted easily the rest of the way home. The lake was something Alice apparently loved, Jacob and her bantered playfully about her dragging him there in the middle of winter, and the time they got stuck on the trail and had to have Emmett come pull them out with his Jeep.

The three of us talked all the way back to Forks, while Edward and Jasper stayed silent on either side of me. For once, I ignored them, I wasn't going to let them dampen the jovial spirit that the rest of us were sharing. If they wanted to sulk, so be it.

We pulled up to the Masen's house a little while later. Edward, Jasper and I climbed out. Jasper had driven here so it would be easier for Alice to take off with Jacob once we got back. Edward said goodbye to Alice and Jacob, but ignored Jasper completely, strolling to the house and walking through the door without so much as a backward glance. I knew he was frustrated I tried my hardest not to judge him for his actions.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow," I grinned, waving at them as Alice pulled away slowly, her eyes moving to the front door and back to me with an apologetic look. I gave her a reassuring smile; I wasn't worried too much about Edward. Once I got inside and things got somewhat back to normal, he'd be fine. At least, I hoped it would be.

I watched as her Yukon disappeared down the drive, and turned to face Jasper. We weren't alone very often, and I hated to admit how it was to just be me around him. There was no awkwardness in the silence between us, just peaceable companionship.

"You gonna be okay here?" he asked, his eyes flicking to the house and then to me. His arm reached out almost instinctively and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. His fingers on my skin sent a small shiver down my spine and I stepped away. I hated to fight my natural instinct again, but I had to do it.

"Goodnight, Jasper."

"Night, Bella."

I turned around and walked to the house, fighting the urge to turn around and look at him. I stepped in the door and closed it behind me, making my way to the stairs. That night I did the same as I had every night and fell asleep in Edward's arms.

We went to the lake as we'd planned the next day. Nothing out of the blue happened at all, it was simply us playing football, me watching of course, and basking in the sun of the rarely warm weather we seemed to be having. We laughed and attempted to swim in the freezing water, I tried to avoid being alone with Jasper as much as I could, but I was still drawn to him like a moth to a flame.

We were only friends though. I had to keep telling myself that.

The more time that passed brought with it more confusion. I enjoyed every moment I spent with Edward but felt guilty when I talked to Jasper, and the more I talked to Jasper, the guiltier I felt about spending time with Edward. It was a never ending hornet's nest of emotion, buzzing around with every decision I made.

I was losing sleep and my appetite over the whole situation, it was entirely my fault.

Everything I did affected one, the other, or both of them. I felt terrible and knew I couldn't look much better, and unfortunately it didn't go unnoticed. Whether it was Alice or both she and Jasper together, they had made an appointment for me to see Carlisle under the pretense that he wanted to check out my leg again. I had taken the cast off a month after seeing him that first time and refused to go back.

It had been a little over two weeks since my appetite had diminished and my sleeping had lessened, and the three of them were walking on eggshells around me. It wasn't as though I was over emotional and unstable; I was just a little tired and had lost a couple pounds. Jasper was coming to pick me up and take me to see Carlisle, they weren't letting me get out of it.

Edward and Alice were waiting with me outside, I think Alice was planning on stuffing me in the trunk if I didn't comply, and Edward was on my other side, an amused smirk on his lips as he watched my aggravation seep through. My body language spoke volumes, arms crossed, foot tapping and my teeth, worrying my bottom lip. I was so predictable.

"Will you relax," he chuckled in my ear. His hand rubbing circles on my back.

"I don't need to go, I'm fine," I insisted for the twentieth time in the last hour. "Nothing is wrong with me."

"Stop being so dramatic, Bella. He wants to make sure the leg healed properly. You're being a baby about this."

"Thanks, Alice. I love you, too!"

I heard the distinct sound of tires on gravel and looked up to see Jasper's car pulling up the driveway. My run in with the front of it no longer a visible reminder of how we met. My traitorous heart slammed against my ribs as I saw the blond of his hair. It only reminded me of my constant confusion.

"I'll see you later, babe." Edward swooped down and pressed his lips against mine, before Alice could drag me to the passenger side of the car as it stopped in front of me. She'd wanted to come with us, but the Swan Bridge of Hope was almost ready for opening. It amazed me really, especially considering she'd started almost six months ago. It seemed Ty Pennington had nothing on Alice.

She pulled open the door for me and nodded with a serene smile, indicating I should do as I was told before she used brute force to get her own way. I rolled my eyes at her dramatics and climbed in next to Jasper and gave her a sarcastic smile.

"Bye, I love you," she laughed, pushing the door closed and stepping away. I pulled on my seat belt and waved weakly at the two of them as Jasper pulled away. Edward had wanted to tag along with us too, but seeing as Carlisle was Jasper's uncle and Jasper was taking me, he'd made up an excuse to bow out. He respected Carlisle, but wanted nothing to do with Jasper, so he'd volunteered to pick Rosalie and Emmett from the airport.

"Is this really necessary?" I asked as we pulled out onto the main road. "It's been months, and I haven't so much as limped once."

"Carlisle's good at what he does, Bella. He asked me how you were the other day, and told me he'd like to check you're leg."

"You're just as bad a liar as I am, Jasper. I know you and Alice put him up to this, I just want to know why?"

"You look sick."

I was; I was sick to my stomach every time I thought about what I was doing. All I had been doing for the last couple of weeks was thinking about how very wrong I was. I should have done the right thing. The only problem being, I wasn't sure I knew what the right thing was. Everything I had thought of had brought me more pain than I wanted to endure and I knew I was hurting everyone else at the same time. They didn't need to see me suffer like this.

"I'm fine."

Jasper flipped down the visor in front of me and flipped up a little plastic rectangle revealing a mirror.

"Have you looked at yourself lately? That," he said pointing to my reflection. "Is anything but fine!"

I stayed silent and really looked at myself for the first time in a while. My cheeks were sallow and drawn, dark circles seemed to hang under my eyes giving them the appearance of sinking into my face. They were right, I was a mess. Even my cheek bones jutted awkwardly from my face as though they weren't enough skin to cover them.

"Didn't think so."

"Not helping, Jasper."

"You wanna talk about it?" he asked, his hand closest to me twitching. I felt another roll of guilt and anger at myself as I found myself hoping he would do what his instinct was telling him to do. I yearned to feel his touch, yet the overwhelming guilt was too much for me to take.

"No, I just . . . I don't know what I want."

The silence in the car was heady, because the statement hung in the air like a lead balloon, it rolled around in awkward waves. I knew beyond a reasonable doubt that Jasper had read deeper in to that too, he knew there was more to that statement than a simple answer to his question. It was an answer to everything, every question I asked myself, every thought that rolled through my head. It was weighted with everything. Most of all, if you moved around the words and added some new ones, it came down to answering the question I knew he must want an answer to.

We rode the rest of the way in silence, Jasper looking at me panicked from time to time as we drove through town. I knew I should say something to clear the air, but I couldn't, I couldn't say a damn thing because I didn't know what to say.

I followed Jasper into the hospital, our bodies close as we walked through the sliding doors and towards the elevators. I wanted to break this silence between us, but we'd been silent for so long.

The elevator was empty when we stepped in, and I knew that I had to say something to him before this got anymore awkward than it already was.

"Thank you," I snapped, the words sounding tight and rehearsed. I tried to find a way to relax before I continued. "For everything, I know you're just trying to help."

"I care about you, Bella, we all do. Seeing you hurting like this is killing me. I just want to know how I can make you feel better."

"It's all me," I sighed, resting my hand on his arm lightly, trying with everything I could to ignore the spark that was still strong between us. I knew he felt it too, I could see the way his blinks got longer and the sadness filled his eyes. What the hell was I doing?

I dropped my hand as the doors slid open and set my stride with Jasper's as he headed towards the office. It was quiet on this floor, but I was sure that was due to it being after office hours. I wasn't surprised to see Esme's warm smile on the other side of the door. This time I was able to return it.

"Hello, Bella. It's good to see you again." She stood from her desk and floated towards me gracefully. She embraced me and kissed my cheek before stepping back.

"It's good to see you too, Esme." I grinned. I really meant it too. There was something about her genteel nature that made me feel immediately at ease. She just calmed me. She stepped to Jasper and pulled him into a hug as well, holding him at arms length so she could get a good look at him.

"You need to come over for dinner, or the girls will never forgive you." She chastised him gently with a warm smile. It was easy to see she adored her nephew.

Jasper's smile was broad as he nodded and kissed her cheek gently. "Tell them I'll be over soon."

She nodded and smiled at him but turned her attention back to me. "Okay, Bella. We've kept your file, and it's still a Jane Doe as you requested. Carlisle just wanted to make sure everything healed properly. So if I could have you jump on the scales again, that would be great."

I stepped forward and onto the medical looking scales with my hands at my sides. I knew this was going to be bad, I had gained weight in the last couple of months, but I could tell I was lighter than I had been the first time I'd come in here. Esme was a professional though and said nothing as she jotted down the numbers. She walked me into the room again and did the rest of the things she needed for Carlisle before he came in, taking my blood pressure and heart rate among them.

She told me to take a seat on the bed and I was happy not to have to undress again. It made me feel more comfortable, the examination was strictly for my leg and whatever else Jasper had asked him to do. Which quite frankly scared me in and of itself.

The room was quiet after Esme left and I almost wished for company. Having been in the presence of my friends for so long I hadn't realized how much of myself had changed. I had always been so content being alone. Even when Charlie was alive I had spent a lot of my time alone, even when he was home. Yet here I was now, craving to have someone here with me because I had been alone for ten minutes.

I was so lost in thought, I almost jumped when the door opened and Carlisle breezed in.

"Hello, Bella. Good to see you again," he smiled; he must have one hell of a bedside manner. I immediately felt relaxed.

"You too, Carlisle," I smiled, shuffling on the paper cover bed.

Carlisle pulled up the same stool as he had last time and perched on it opening the file he was holding. I felt instantly nervous as his silence continued.

"How have you been feeling?"

"Great, leg's fixed up as good as new." I grinned; it seemed evasiveness wasn't my strong point either, because his frown was evident immediately.

"You've lost weight. From what Jasper and Alice were saying, you'd gained some while staying with them. They also said you haven't been eating or sleeping."

"I just have a lot on my mind."

"But you're not taking care of yourself."

"I know, I just . . ." I wanted to scream as the tears threatening to spill over my lids thickened my throat. I felt so weak.

"I don't know what's going on, Bella, but I can't help you unless you talk to me."

Tears fell down my cheeks silently; I was trying to verbalize everything in my own head. It sounded so stupid, it sounded adolescent, trivial even, but to me, it was my whole world.

"I have to make a decision, and I just, it's been hard!"

"Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"

"I . . . I don't know how. It's hard to put into words, but I have to make a choice out of two good things, I can't choose, I can't say no to one."

"Well, how about you don't take either? Jasper mentioned something about this, he's been as vague as you have, but I think I know what the problem is. Maybe you need to choose yourself. Let go of them both so you have a chance to find what you need and want. You can't be concerned about them and hurting them, you have to look after yourself. How do you expect make a decision when you can even think in a straight enough line to feed yourself?"

I nodded. My fear of being alone without either of them crushed me again, but Carlisle's words made sense. I still had to make a decision, but I didn't have to be in the middle of them to choose. Could I do that? Could I stay away from them both until I made a decision? It seemed like such an easy answer maybe he was right. I had to find myself again before I could discover what I really wanted.

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**A/N: FINALLY, a voice of reason. An adult!**

**Next up is Jasper.**

**I would like to thank my wonderful Beta, Cravingtwilight, who is still working 14 hour days and managing to edit my chapters and correct grammar among others things ;) Thanks hun :)**

**To my hand holders, miztrezboo and bendingmirrors. As always I have to push their stories like crack because I love them. Miz is writing The Appointment and Where the Road meets the sun. I adore them, so cleverly infused with drama and humor, you can't help but love it. Then there's bending's Fall at Your Feet, which is beautiful and only her second fic. Thanks for the hand holding girls, and the talking me down from ledges ;)**

**To the girls on the Forum, Catmasters, Hev99, and Salix Caprea. You guys are amazing, thanks for the chats and questions. :)**

**To each and every one of you who review, thank you. I adore each and everyone of you for your questions comments and thoughts. You're all so passionate about the characters, you're all amazing, thank you ::HUGZ::**

**Much love and big hugz till next week ~Weezy~**


	29. Spark of Hope

_**All things Twilight belong to the incredible Stephenie Meyer and her ingenious mind. The songs belong to the respective band, and Miztrezboo has possession of the original file with the threadbare idea that I'd totally forgotten about *snort***_

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**_**Spark of Hope**

_All the times that I've cried_  
_All this wasted, it's all inside_  
_And I feel all this pain_  
_I stuffed it down, it's back again_  
_And I lie here in bed_  
_All alone, I can't mend_  
_But I feel, tomorrow will be okay_  
**_Outside - Staind_**

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**Jasper's POV**

Hope was something I hadn't even considered in awhile, hope was this thing that seemed untouchable for the longest time, but every moment I spent with Bella seemed to slowly fill me with the unattainable. I couldn't be upset at her for being with Edward. I was the one that fucked up and pushed her into his arms, and I was willing to wait until I could prove that I was the person she thought I was.

Jacob's birthday was a fucking disaster and Alice had given us the _'try that shit again and I will take you down'_ look when she got back to the table, and I backed off. It wasn't Alice that had me reacting that way though; it was the pure look of defeat on Bella's face as she slid in between Alice and Edward.

It seemed as though that night had been a trigger for something. Bella began losing weight rapidly, dark circles forming under her eyes as she fought to sleep. I actually approached Edward for answers; he was the only one that had them because he spent so much time with her.

The conversation had been less than pleasant, but when I started talking, he started agreeing. It was more than likely the first and last time that was ever going to happen but we realized quickly that she wasn't eating or sleeping. Even Alice began worrying.

I felt like a grade A shit for being part of the cause. She was so torn apart by all of this and I wasn't making it any easier on her, because I was subtly pushing and pushing myself at her. I was constantly flirting with her, not that is was all intentional; sometimes I simply craved her attention like it was a drug.

She would always be all I ever wanted, and if I had to wait for her I would, because she was worth every second of time. The only problem, Edward fucking Masen. He was always with her, always being that perfect someone, and it killed me.

Alice was the one that suggested Carlisle. He and Esme had be asking me to come over for dinner anyway so I took the opportunity and went, knowing I would finally be able to tell him exactly what happened that night. I was also hoping he would do me another favor, but he needed to know the truth first.

I knocked on their door taking a deep breath. The girls were going to go wild the moment I walked in the house. The door was pulled open by Esme, the two terrors stood behind her legs peering up at me with their big gray eyes, all smiles and dimples.

"Jasper, come in sweetheart, Carlisle's just finishing off the cooking."

I stepped over the threshold kissing Esme gently on the cheek as I passed. "Where are those girls?"

Their tinkling giggles surrounded the foyer of the house and Esme grinned with a maternal knowing. She loved those girls with a reverence; they had come as a surprise after trying In Vetro for almost two years. They'd finally decided to take a break from all the poking and prodding of needles and just enjoy one another again. Low and behold, there they were pregnant within six months.

"I don't know, Jasper. I swear they were just here . . ." Esme turned in a circle, but the girls moved with her, their smiles large and eyes wide with the game.

"Well, they're normally here to greet me. Do you think they're hiding?"

Esme smiled and closed the door behind me. "You know, they may be in their playroom. They said they were going to tidy it for their momma before you got here for dinner."

"Thanks, Aunt Esme," I said, stalking off towards the large playroom that had been designed for the girls.

I heard the patter of their feet and the giggles as they followed me there. I pushed open the doors dramatically and stepped inside. The theatrics were always their favorite part.

"Well they're not in here!" I pouted, sitting in a chair entirely too small for me. I put my head in my hands and faked a sniffle or two. "And I thought they wanted to see me."

I could see the two of them sneaking up on me through a small gap in my fingers, to indicate I was paying no attention at all, I sighed again. When they were just within my reach, I jumped into action, I grabbed both of them in my arms and scooped them up. They littered me in little kisses and their squeals had my ears ringing.

We chased each other around the house for a good while before Esme and Carlisle called us for dinner. I was exhausted by the time I slid into the seat at the dinner table.

"They're going to sleep well tonight," Esme laughed, tickling their sides as she helped them into their seats and got them situated. "They always do when you come to see them, Jasper."

"So do I," I confessed with a laugh.

"You looked tired when you showed up, kiddo."

"I'm fine."

I didn't want to get into this line of questioning; it would bring up everything I had been trying to avoid. Neither of them knew what had happened in last couple of months and I was reluctant to tell them. When we'd been in the hospital with Bella the first time around, both of them could see the attraction I had towards her even then, they knew me too well.

"Jasper, I know you better than that."

"I'm fine, Esme. I'm just a light sleeper and have a lot on my mind."

"Not good enough. You know how I feel about you staying in that house alone, you're not making it any easier to believe you're alright, when you come here looking like that . . ." Esme put up her hand as I began to speak. ". . . I know you're eighteen and can look after yourself, but I will talk to your mother if necessary."

"Fine," I sighed, rolling my eyes and making the twins giggle again. "I needed to talk to you anyway, Carlisle, and then maybe both of you once the girls go to bed?"

Esme nodded, seemingly appeased by my offer to talk more.

We ate dinner with polite conversation and the girls talked about what they'd been learning in Pre K. Ellie had been hiding her green beans in her napkin the whole time she was talking about her friends, not really caring that we'd been watching her peeling back the material and shoving the green vegetable in there. She didn't seem to understand the concept of being surreptitious. Lizzie, on the other hand, was making a castle with her mashed potato. I watched them fascinated as always. They got away with so much more than I had at their age.

"Okay girls, time for a bath," Esme sang when she knew for a fact they wouldn't eat another thing.

"No, mommy," they sang in unison. Their small faces breaking out into sad expressions that I would never be able to resist.

"Yes. Give, Jasper, a hug goodbye and head up those stairs."

Both of the pouting girls traipsed over to me and hugged me while giving their mom a look of disdain. Esme didn't even notice, she kissed Carlisle and gave them both a stern look making them scurry from the room. If she hadn't of smiled the moment they'd disappeared, I would have believed she was really upset. It was funny watching parents from the other side of the age line, you realize how much they did to get you to react, even if the emotion they'd showed you was nowhere near what they were feeling.

"So, how is, Bella?" Carlisle asked, stacking the plates.

I stood up and started to help, unable to look him in the eye.

"She was doing fine."

"Was?"

"Long story short, I messed up . . . bad!"

"You ran over the girl, Jasper, what could be worse than that?" he said, slightly amused.

"I never told her about Lauren."

Carlisle set down the dishes in his hands and looked at me sternly, but something made his look soften. I could only imagine how pained I looked at the moment. It was like reliving the whole thing over again.

"What happened?"

"There's some things you should know about, Bella, before I get into it all."

"Come on, let's go into the study, the dishes can wait."

I nodded and followed him into the dark paneled study, falling onto the thick leather couch. I loved the smell of all of the leather bound books he had in here. It seemed to exponentially calm me down. I guess it could have also been conducive to finally having someone outside of the mess to talk to.

We stared at one another for a moment as I tried to decide where to start, where to begin with how we met and how I had gotten into this position. I knew there were things he wouldn't be happy about, but as my uncle he had every right to be protective of me, he couldn't change the past, I knew that from experience.

I gave Carlisle Bella's history, from the moment her dad died, right up until the very reason I was here. I knew Bella would be upset if she knew what I was doing, but I needed to talk, get all of this out, finally tell my side of the story to someone who could help me.

I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. Carlisle and I just sat in silence once I was finished, and I knew he must be taking it all in and letting it fester. It was a hard life for a seventeen year old to live, and I was sure that he knew, just as well as I did, that Bella had left holes in the story that I had no idea how to fill.

"What the hell were you and Alice thinking?"

"We promised her, Carlisle. I gave her my word, and I intended on keeping it, but I just don't know what to do anymore."

"I don't care if you promised to keep her secret, Jasper. This girl has been through more than most adults my age have been through. What possessed you to think you were qualified to help her get through this?"

I didn't like the accusation in his tone. Everything I had done for Bella was because I loved her, and if I really truly thought back to the moment that it had happened, it was in that stupid alley where she'd been terrified and used me as support. Her being on my mind constantly was the very reason I'd hit her with my car, all I could do was think about her and it had been that way since.

"I will not have her put back in that place, Carlisle! I can't do it, it'll kill her."

"I know you love her, Jasper. I can see it in your eyes when you say her name, but it isn't the only option. Did you know that before we got pregnant, Esme and I applied to be foster parents?"

"No, sir, I didn't."

"We may still be able to take her in, I know she doesn't have long till her eighteenth birthday, but she can't live with the Masen's when they have no idea of her background. It's illegal and they could get into trouble, even when they didn't know!"

"What else were we supposed to do?" I shouted, raising my voice probably more than I should have. I knew he was only trying to help.

"You should have told me the truth!"

I dropped my head in my hands the moment the door creaked open, I couldn't look up. I hated shouting with anyone, especially Carlisle. He'd been more of a father to me than my own had ever been.

"What's going on in here? I can hear you both from upstairs."

"Take a seat, Esme," Carlisle said gently. "You need to be here for this. Jasper you said there was something else."

I sighed and looked up at my aunt and uncle, imploring them to help me again. "Bella hasn't been eating or sleeping at all. It started when . . ." I covered my face again in shame. This was going to sound terrible. ". . . when I decided I wasn't going to give her up so easily. I think she feels stuck in the middle, I backed off, but I think it was already set in motion. I feel like an asshole."

"Jasper!"

"Sorry, Esme."

"You are an asshole, kid."

"Carlisle," Esme said, shocked.

Carlisle and I looked at one another and laughed, breaking every ounce of tension in the room. Esme rolled her eyes at us both. We explained parts to Esme and both agreed I should bring her to see them. It had to be a week because of the scheduling, but I knew that would give us time to push Bella into it. The girl was stubborn as a damn ox.

I was on my best behavior for that week too. I didn't want to put anymore pressure on her, even though it killed me to see her with Edward. I was hoping things would get a bit better when Emmett and Rosalie got home. They were due back in on the same day as the appointment, and Edward had volunteered to pick them up, which I knew was because I was going to be taking Bella to see Carlisle.

He'd warned me to behave myself beforehand; he'd called this morning before I picked her up.

The drive to Carlisle's office was probably the most awkward I'd ever had around Bella because I was forced to be honest with her about why she was going. I was sure she was insulted, but what bothered me the most was the pain in her eyes as she looked at herself in the mirror. She was scrutinizing herself, taking all of the blame on herself.

I wanted to tell her everything then and there, but I knew it would be counter productive; I was taking her to get better, not make things worse.

I sat in the reception area with Esme after she'd done all of the usual crap they do before seeing the doctor. I was feeling so nervous and anxious. I hated that she'd been put in this position after everything she'd already been through.

"Jasper, Carlisle told me what's going on. He wants to talk to you, so I'll be taking her down to get the x-ray. I just want you to know how proud of you I am."

"What?"

"Not many kids your age would've done what you have done for that girl. It was brave of you to come to us when things got too difficult. You're a good kid, and I have never been more proud of you."

"Thanks, Esme, but I think I'm the problem here. I just . . . I can't . . ."

"You love her, don't you?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"To all of the wrong people, yes, it is. You need to be honest with her. You need to tell her what happened with Lauren. You've kept quiet too long; it's not fair to her or you."

"Esme, I . . ."

"She loves you, Jasper," Esme said with a smile. "She's just so confused."

"She's with someone else."

"So, what are you going to do?"

"Wait."

"_Esme, could you come in here please,_" Carlisle's voice said from the tiny box on her desk.

I was almost relieved to not have to talk about this anymore right now. It was hard enough knowing that she couldn't be mine without people telling me things I so desperately wanted to be true. I was an asshole for wanting her to love me, because I knew it was putting her in a difficult situation, it was making Bella feel like shit because she thought she had to make a choice. The truth was I would wait, and I would be there when she was ready, regardless.

All of this was such a fucking mess. It was all because I was a fucking asshole.

"Jasper," Carlisle's voice made me jump.

"Yes sir?"

"Come into my office, Esme's taking Bella down for some X-rays."

I followed Carlisle into his office and sat down; it felt as though I was being led into the principal's office to be disciplined.

"Esme and I have been talking to our lawyers. They think there's a good possibility that we may get legal guardianship of Bella as long as she is receptive to the idea. There are some things that need to be ironed out considering she's a runaway, but with her statement, they'll also investigate the facility she was in. This will be a long drawn out process and in order for us to gain guardianship immediately, she has to give a statement about what happened to her in that place. Do you think she'd be willing to do that?"

"Carlisle, I . . ." I didn't know how to say everything I wanted to say to him. I was grateful for him doing all of this research, I knew that Bella would be undoubtedly happy with him and Esme, but I didn't want her going back into that place ever. I didn't even want to risk it. There was a chance Bella would be too scared to say anything against them.

"I know what you're thinking, Jasper. If there's even a chance of her going anywhere near that home again, I will have my attorney put in an injunction of some sort. I'm not sure what or how this will work, but I promise you, Bella will not step back inside those walls again."

"So what do we need to do?"

"We need for you to talk to, Bella. If we approach her she'll get nervous. I want her to understand where we got our information, and what we're offering her. She trusts you, even after everything that's happened."

"She does?"

"Bella's very confused, and if this continues much longer, it will turn into depression and that's the last thing she needs. She spent almost two years on the streets and I'm pretty sure she's never felt anything like what the two of you boneheads are doing to her. Confusion can be just as bad as a loss, and both of you need to let her make this decision alone."

"What decision? I've never asked her to make a decision."

"But she feels as though she has to make one. We didn't talk about it, but from what she was saying, she believes she's leading the two of you on, and she doesn't know what to do. Have you talked to Alice about this?"

"I didn't want to put her in the middle as well," I sighed.

"Yes, well."

"Well, what?"

"Just be gentle, Jasper. She needs a friend right now. Not some chump who keeps making a play for her every chance he gets."

"I don't . . ."

Carlisle put up his hand and smiled. "Those are my words."

"So I should let her know that I talked to you?"

"Yes, have Alice with you if it helps, the two of them seem to be close, and make sure she knows this will all be very private. Do you know anything about her mother?"

"Only that she left when she was young. Why?"

"Just something, Esme and I talked about," he said thoughtfully, waving off the question.

"Thanks Carlisle," I said getting up. I didn't know how much longer Bella was going to be, but knowing Carlisle, he had pulled a couple of strings to get her in and out of there as quickly as possible.

"You're welcome, Jasper. I know you care about her, just remember that and try not to pressure her. She's an intelligent girl. You just can't keep pushing her, and you may want to tell Alice to give Edward the same advice."

"I will."

I walked out of the office and back into the waiting area. I needed to think. I needed to figure out how I was supposed to do this, how I was supposed to explain that I broke her trust again, and spoke to someone about what she was going through.

Bella was a trusting person; she had accepted me back into her life, without so much as letting me explain. As much as I appreciated it, I knew I had to eventually tell her the truth, if not for her, I had to do it for myself. Now wasn't the time for any of this, but eventually I would tell her, because I needed to know that she had all the details, so she would know that I never broke her trust, that I loved her and never stopped. That all of this had happened because I didn't think she was strong enough to hear what I had to say.

I should have told her before she left; the morning Emmett had come in and unknowingly turned my world upside down. I didn't blame him, not one little bit. This was all my fault, this was me not telling her the truth from the beginning. Even in my attempt at being honorable, I should have told her rather than pushing her away. I should have explained my whole relationship with Lauren, how it had been a lie from the beginning, and the only emotion that was ever shared between us was hatred.

This was all my fault and I was making her feel guilty.

I couldn't pressure her anymore. I couldn't be the one to make her feel this way. I knew beyond a reasonable doubt that Edward liked her; it was hard not to like her. She was an effervescent, a bright spark in a dull world. Even after everything she had been through, she had an outlook on life that put us all to shame. I didn't want to be the responsible for crushing her spirit. If she wanted a friend, that's what I would be.

"Earth to Jasper."

I looked up to see a quirky smile on Bella's lips as she appraised me.

"How long have you been standing there?" I laughed as I stood up, smiling past her at Esme.

"Not long, I'm all healed apparently."

"Good to know."

She smiled at me, her cheeks rising as her perfect lips curled at the edges revealing the whites of her teeth. Her eyes narrowing slightly with her cheeks efforts. I knew that smile well.

"Thanks Esme, Carlisle. I'll call you later. Kiss the twins for me."

"We will, Jasper. Drive safely."

I nodded and indicated for Bella to go first. I could do this; I could be just a friend.

I was planning on talking to Bella in the car. I figured it would be the safest bet. I wasn't sure if she'd told Edward the whole truth and I knew that Rosalie and Emmett were probably going to be back soon. We'd been in the hospital for quite a while.

Well, that had been my plan.

When we walked out of the doors, there stood Edward Masen with Rosalie and Emmett. Bella took off from beside me and into Emmett's arms. The big guy picked her up and spun her around making her laugh jovially. I don't know how the fucker did it, but he could make anyone smile.

"You got back quickly," Bella laughed as she moved to hug Rosalie.

"Yeah, Edward was driving!" Rosalie said, rolling her eyes.

"We decided to come and see if you two were up for a welcome home get together, nothing big, just a couple drinks and some cards? Rosalie's house?"

"Did you say cards?" I smiled, knowing it was the one thing Masen never could get the upper hand in.

"You game?" Edward asked, his tone challenging. I hated the son of a bitch, and I would have responded, but the look on Bella's face stopped me. Something had changed.

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**A/N: Dun Dun Dun . . . Next week should be interesting me thinks :) I say nuthing lol.**

**I hope some questions were answered, and I know that it seems a little too convenient that Carlisle and Esme just happen to be the silver lining, but they are compassionate souls, and I really could see them doing that.  
**

**Next week: I am hiding in a cubby hole, just saying . . . as always teasers in the review replies! Yes I am that evil ;)**

**Thank you to my beta, the wonderful cravingtwilight. Even with a full schedule she manages to slide me on in there, so thanks for that sweets. You Rock!!!**

**My handholders extraodinaire. Miztrezboo and bendingmirrors. You two are absolutely amazing. And I won't lie, I am completely addicted to your stories. (Links on profile)**

**The Forum girls, you guys amaze me every week and I love you guys!**

**To the reviewers . . . seriously, you all blow me away each week, and your passion amazes me. I hope I'm able to answer most of the questions you send me, and if I don't sorry for being cryptic lol. ::Group Hug::**

**Don't forget all of the good stuff going on for a worthy cause, like Alex's Lemonade Stand/thefandomgivesback. There is a link on my profile to the Fornication Station blog, Miss Mimi has most of the information, not to mention some amazing fics to read.**

**Till next week :) Much love, big hugz ~Weezy~**


	30. Irrational Improbability

_**All things Twilight belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer, without whom there would be no stage or players as Shakespeare so eloquently put it!!! Happy TGUT Tuesday!!!!**_

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**Irrational Improbability**

_Oh we are what we are when in danger _  
_And we are as we stand head in hand _  
_When a friend brings to light _  
_On a cold silver knife _  
_You can stare your fate right into his hand _  
_-into his hand_  
**_To Be Treated Right - Terry Reid_**

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Carlisle's insight into my current predicament had helped me more than he knew. Having the opinion of someone outside of this mess had been more invaluable than I would have thought. I wasn't sure what he'd been told, or what he knew, but his evaluation of the nightmare that was my life, made sense.

I had considered being alone in the beginning, but the thought of being rejected and losing both of them had crushed me. Now, I realized that if they truly did want me, they would be willing to wait. I just had to work things through without the confusion and pressure. I had been so intent on making both of them comfortable and happy, that I had neglected myself. That wasn't helping the situation, because my unhappiness seemed to seep over and make them just as miserable.

I never should have put us in this situation to begin with. Giving Edward the decision had been nothing but counter productive, because I felt the need to constantly prove that he was the one I had chosen when I had never actually made a decision. I needed to distance myself from both so I could decide what would make me happy.

This way, when I made my choice, they would know that it was them and only them, and nothing had influenced my decision. Being with Edward and trying to determine and sort through my feelings for Jasper had only riddled me with guilt, and really never let me consider what we had together.

Jasper was silent as we rode the elevator down to the lobby. His silent contemplation told me that he was doing some thinking of his own.

It scared me, but whatever came, I could deal with. I didn't need a guy to validate who I was. I had been so caught up in the feelings I got from being adored by them both that I forgot who I was, and how capable I was of living my own life outside of this mess.

The first thing I saw when we stepped out of the hospital was the hulking mass of Emmett and the beauty that was Rosalie Hale. I couldn't help myself from taking off and pouncing on Emmett. I hadn't realized just how much I had missed them until now. No matter what seemed to go on in my life here, the two of them were a constant for me. Never changing, just liking me for who I was and never picking sides.

Emmett picked me up and swung me around, and I couldn't stop the laugh that spilled from my lips as he did so. It was so typical of Emmett. When he finally released me and allowed the oxygen to flow into my lungs and the blood start circulating around my body, I moved to give Rosalie a hug.

"You got back quickly," I laughed, stepping back so I could take them in.

"Yeah, Edward was driving!" Rosalie said, rolling her eyes. Her perfectly shaped eyebrows arching almost daring Edward to argue with her. He ignored the jab and watched me carefully, his eyes periodically flicking to Jasper as though he could feel the slight shift in the balance.

"We decided to come and see if you two were up for a welcome home get together, nothing big, just a couple drinks and some cards? Rosalie's house?" Emmett grinned, giving me a wink.

"Did you say cards?" Jasper asked from behind me, I could hear the smiling challenge in his voice.

"You game?" Edward asked, I could see his chest rising at the challenge.

I couldn't believe how much damage I had done, and I knew that this impromptu gathering would make it impossible to talk to Edward. I had wanted to do this as soon as possible, but I wouldn't do it at our friend's house during a card game. This was a conversation we needed to have alone, face to face.

Jasper didn't answer him, choosing to ignore the come back that he normally would throw at Edward in a situation like this. I threw him a furtive glance, worried about exactly what had transgressed to make him react like that. In one afternoon, things seemed to have changed drastically, and I hated not having time to take it all in, process it, yet, I understood why Edward was here.

"You got skinny, Bells. They not feeding you around here?" Emmett laughed, throwing his thick arm around my shoulders, and distracting me from my musings.

"Emmett, do your brain and mouth not communicate?" Rosalie laughed.

"What, Babe?"

"I worry about you sometimes, you big oaf."

"I'm your big oaf though, Baby."

"Yeah, and for some reason I love the shit out of you."

Again, these two effervescent personalities had distracted us from the tension that had shrouded us with the challenge between Edward and Jasper. I was a little worried that I didn't have a chance to talk to Edward now; I didn't want this to go on any longer. I didn't want to lead him on; I wanted to let them both know with no uncertain terms that I needed time to think about everything. I didn't want to hurt either of them.

As I suspected, I didn't get a chance to talk to Edward at all that night. By the time we made it home, I was exhausted and fell asleep on my bed fully clothed and alone. I was glad that I at least had the chance to start distancing myself from him so that it wouldn't be such a shock when I was able to sit down with him.

Alice was the one who woke me up the next morning; in truth it was closer to the afternoon. All of us were going to meet at the park to play football, well, I wasn't, I wasn't dexterous enough to even run, so catching a ball while running could be disastrous.

"So, I never got a chance to talk to you last night. How did things go with Carlisle?"

"Good, I think. He gave me an 'all clear' on my leg. He also gave me some advice."

"Advice?"

"I explained the situation to him, he was understanding, but basically told me that if I ever wanted to make a decision I needed to know my own mind, he suggested something I hadn't considered."

"Which was?"

"Being alone. If I ever want to make a decision without being riddled with guilt, I should step back from the situation so I could see all of the perspectives. He actually called me out on not sleeping or eating because of the overwhelming guilt. He was afraid it would turn into depression if I didn't do something about it, and he was right of course, I've been stupid. Please tell me you're not upset, Al. I never wanted to hurt anyone."

"Bella," Alice laughed, picking up my hands in hers. "Those two can look after themselves; it's you I was worried about. Can I please just say one thing though?"

"Of course."

"Please hear Jasper out. Let him explain what happened all those months ago. He hasn't wanted to push you into anything and made me swear not to say a word. All this time it's been killing me. I love my brother, but I think you have to do what's best for you, and you need all the information in order to make your decision."

I thought about what she said. Really thought about it. Jasper had, on countless occasions, attempted to let me know exactly what had happened at Christmas. I had cut him off every time, so afraid of what he was going to tell me. When he tried again, I was with Edward and I was afraid it would change everything and throw it into an imbalance. I had been selfish in that respect.

If I was being honest with myself, everything I had done was irrational. I had fallen in love with Jasper in less than two months, and even after almost four months of being with Edward, I still wasn't sure what I wanted. I knew it was unfair to weigh the situation in those terms. Edward had come into my life while I was broken. Trust was something I no longer offered freely, and he'd done nothing but try and earn that from me, never questioning my indecision once.

Everything was so messed up, and deciding to step back and look at it all it became ever clearer to me. It was like the clouds dissipating on a cloudy day, leaving the blue of the sky luminous. Without the shadow of my own judgment, I could see the two good things I had in front of me, but my decision was indisputable, even without having all of the details. It had been obvious all along, but I had to be sure, I had to take a step back and just be alone for a while so I knew my decision was the best thing for me. I couldn't keep hurting the ones I loved.

"You okay?" Alice asked, squeezing my hands gently.

I smiled at her with more confidence in the action than I had in weeks. "I think I am. I just need to talk to Edward."

"He'll understand, he knows how much pressure you've been under. If you explain it the way you just explained it to me, he'll respect that."

"Thanks, Alice. You've been my best friend throughout all of this and I don't even know how to begin thanking you for everything. I put you slap bang in the middle, yet you're always there when I need to talk."

"That's what friends do, Bella. I love you _for you_, not who you're with."

I pulled my hands from her and wrapped them around her neck. "I love you, Alice."

"I love you too, now get your lazy ass out of bed and get ready for some football," she said, pulling back from me and smiling sarcastically. Her feigned excitement not subtle at all.

"I won't be playing, Al."

"Yeah, I figured. I don't think Carlisle wants to see you again under those circumstances. So we're sitting on the sidelines with Rosalie, who never plays, and cheering on Jacob and Emmett," she laughed, standing up from my bed and heading towards the door.

I got ready after taking a shower; I threw on a pair of jeans and the cute shirt Rosalie had brought back for me from New York, and my tennis shoes, figuring that even if I wasn't playing I may actually be required to run. I grabbed a light denim jacket from my closet and headed downstairs, sticking my head into the living room, where I knew Alice would be waiting for me.

"Ready," I sang with a smile.

"Oh good, Edward left already, Emmett came and picked him up."

I raised my eyebrows. It was unusual for Edward to leave without us. I was starting to wonder if he wasn't already aware that something was going on, that something had indeed changed. I wondered whether he knew that I was planning on telling him that I needed to be alone. I knew he would be hurt, but I had to do this for me. I had to make sure that my decision was the right one.

Alice jumped up from the couch and headed towards me. She hooked her arm in mine as she walked with me to the door, yelling her goodbye's to her parents as we left. She seemed to understand my quiet contemplation and left me alone as we drove towards the park on the other side of town. It wasn't a long drive, but it gave me enough time to think. To continue processing the tumult of decisions that swirled around in my head.

"You ready?" Alice asked quietly as she cut off the engine of her car after she'd parked in the dirt lot. Her wide eyes turned to look at me as she judged my mood.

"I am," I said with honest enthusiasm. I had been sucking all of the air from the entertainment . . . from the spirit of the afternoon. I had time to think, I had time to be alone and think through the situation when I was at home by myself. I couldn't let this drag into the time with my friends. We were here to have fun, and that was all I was going to focus on for now.

Alice smiled and hopped from the car with her usual litheness, and waited for me as I less than gracefully exited from the car. I gave her another broad smile as we walked together, I was trying to reassure her, but it was also an honest emotion. I was more at peace now; I knew what I needed to do. I just needed to talk to Edward, so I could finally step back from the situation.

I could see Rosalie sitting on the table at the edge of the field; she seemed bored watching the guys tossing the ball back and forth. Her hands were holding her chin as her elbows rested on her knees.

I watched the guys as they threw the ball to one another, laughing with an ease I hadn't seen from them before. They were seemingly paired up. Jasper and Jacob and Edward and Emmett. Both sets seemed to be lost in conversation.

Emmett was the first to notice us as we approached from the parking lot. His broad grin appeared and he threw the ball at Edward before he jogged over to us slowly with his signature lope. He always looked like he was up to something, almost like a big kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Hi pep squad; just coming to check on my sideline team. You know the rules of football, new girl?"

"I would hope so; my dad was an avid sports fan. When he wasn't working, he was glued to whatever game happened to be on."

"Nice," Emmett laughed holding up his hand for a high five. It was way out of my range but I gave it my all and jumped up as far as I could in my attempt to connect my palm with his. He laughed and finally brought it down to my level after one of Alice's death stares. I was sure she was concerned about me breaking another bone. My less than horrible balance was ever evident.

Emmett squeezed in between Alice and I and he draped his huge arms over our shoulders as he walked us towards the field. Rosalie was just getting up as he steered us towards her.

"Finally," she said, embracing Alice and then me. "What took you guys so long?"

"I let Bella sleep in a while."

"Well, you're here now."

It seemed Rosalie had been filled in about my restlessness at some point, because normally she would have teased me about something like that. It wasn't something I minded at all, it was just the normal banter that seemed to go on between us all.

"Emmett, you playing? Or you gonna put a skirt on and join the ladies on the bench?" Jasper asked with a smirk.

"Shut it, Whitlock, or I'll wipe your ass with this field."

"I'd like to see you try, big man," Jasper taunted, his eyes darting to me as he gave me a quick wink. I gave him an answering smile as I slid onto the picnic table next to Rosalie and Alice. I let my eyes roam across the field to Edward. I had acknowledged Jasper, now I felt as though I needed to do the same with Edward.

His green eyes were darker than they normally were; they met mine and brightened only a fraction. He smiled and lifted his hand in a half wave, before throwing the ball at Emmett. His long arm extending out after the ball as it glided from his hand.

I didn't know what I had been thinking before. There was never any way I could please them both. I barely knew how to make myself happy. I had been denying myself for a long time, because I didn't want to give up what I had. Two good things, one choice. I knew who my heart belonged to.

Now, all I needed to do was make sure that's what I wanted. Which was why I was choosing to be alone for a while. I needed that time to see it all from a far. To sit back and take stock of the situation.

"You okay, Bella?"

I pulled my eyes from Edward to look over at Rosalie, and smiled. I was better than okay. I just wasn't looking forward to the fallout.

"Yeah, just watching them warm up. Just out of curiosity, how does this work with just four of them?"

Rosalie smirked before looking over at me. "You're in for a treat! They don't play nice at all."

I laughed, mainly because I could see how competitive the game was going to be just looking at the teams. Jake's size rivaled Emmett's which would surely bring out some contention there, and then you had Jasper and Edward up against one another. It wasn't a good idea at all, but nothing I said was going to change the standings. They'd picked sides and now, the testosterone was about to be turned up. This wasn't going to be pretty.

They stood along a well worn line in the grass and glared at one another with determination as Edward stood behind Emmett. Emmett pushed the ball at Edward between his legs and started off the frenzy of play.

I had never seen such a small game, I wasn't even aware that it could be played with only four people.

The ball passed quickly between two people as the other two ducked and weaved to intercept or take down the player. The hits were hard, and all four of them were head to toe in mud. Tufts of grass were kicked up as they dug in their heels to pull down the opposition. The field was quickly turning into a mud pit, but the game was so much dirtier.

Edward and Jasper stuck to one another like glue, just waiting for the opportunity to tackle the other. Whenever Edward had the ball, Jasper would run at him head long, throwing his shoulder into his stomach before Edward could even throw the ball. Edward was just as bad, when Jasper had possession he would run after him, sliding to the ground and wrapping his arms around Jasper's legs bringing him down hard to the ground.

Things were rough between Jacob and Emmett as well, but it looked more like football than what Edward and Jasper were doing. It was getting a little ugly when Rosalie insisted on a half time.

"Babe, there is no halftime in our games," Emmett grumbled, sitting on the floor by her feet, his breath coming in loud huffs.

"There is today, you're all worse than usual. Poor Jacob, this is the first game he's played with you and you're all acting like maniacs."

"It's just a game; no one is being unnecessarily rough."

"Not from your point of view," Rosalie mumbled under her breath, looking over at Edward and Jasper who both seemed to be keeping their distance from me, while maintaining their hostility towards one another. It was always one extreme to the other with those two.

They sat out for ten minutes before playing again. The cold wind had descended from the mountains and made me huddle deeper in my jacket.

The boys lined up on the field again. Jasper and Jacob had possession of the ball and intended on using it to their advantage. My eyes scanned both sets of men as I tried to decipher what was going to happen. From instinct, I assumed that Edward would go after Jasper once he had possession of the ball and Emmett would go after Jacob.

As soon as the ball left Jacob's hands, Edward crashed into him, taking him to the ground as Emmett dived over the two of them at Jasper, knocking them both to the ground. Without really thinking about my actions, I stood up. My concern for the two of them had propelled me from my seat leaving Alice and Rosalie giggling at me.

"Bella, they're fine," Alice laughed, tugging on my hand and pulling me back into my seat.

I watched as Jasper and Emmett jumped up laughing, Edward and Jacob doing the same. I would never understand these kinds of sports. The violence was integrated with the game, but the professional teams at least wore padding.

"Has anyone ever hurt themselves before?"

"Not seriously," Rosalie said in a nonchalant tone.

"What is not serious?"

"Broken finger, bloodied nose, cuts, and bruises."

I shook my head in disbelief as I turned back to the game. Alice was currently keeping score, much to the dismay of Edward and Emmett. They thought she would cheat so they had me keeping an eye on the game too, not that I knew what I was doing.

Rosalie spent time trying to explain conversions and downs and she went over my head every time she got deeper into the conversation.

"So how are the points counted?" I asked, trying to keep an eye on the game and watch Rosalie at the same time. When she explained, she liked to use her hands.

"In this game or the NFL?"

I raised my eyebrow at her and smirked.

"It's only one per end zone in this. They don't have the goals to take the point, so it's more like a tally."

I nodded in understanding. It's how I had been doing it to begin with, but this would make it so much easier. We watched the game in silence for a little while. The scores were evening out as they played, every time one side raced ahead, the other caught up quickly. It appeared they were evenly matched.

"Come on, Jake. You caught up; you have one more touch down and you're winning, babe," Alice said half standing, half sitting.

"Sit your ass down score counter, you're supposed to be indifferent," Rosalie laughed.

"I am indifferent, doesn't mean I can't cheer my boy on."

"That's exactly what it means," Rosalie laughed.

I diverted my eyes back to the field as Rosalie and Alice continued their banter across my lap. Emmett and Edward had possession and were starting their play. Edward flicked his eyes to me as Emmett was hiking. I grinned at him, in encouragement, but his face drained of color like he'd seen a ghost.

Before I could say a word, Emmet had thrown him the ball. Edward caught it reflexively, even though he was still staring at something, the game went into play and Jasper jumped over Emmett and Jake and knocked Edward to the ground. It was the hardest hit I had seen in the game and Edward went down hard—I could hear the thud from where we were sitting.

"EDWARD!"

The park went deathly silent at the new voice. Not even the wind seemed to dare make a noise. Everyone turned towards the parking lot at once. A mixture of curiosity and horror covering their faces.

Standing between the lot and us, was a beautiful blond. Her corn silk hair flowed perfectly straight over her shoulders and down over the designer clothes she was wearing. Her flushed cheeks paled a little as she stared at the field where Edward had been knocked down. She looked terrified, and I instantly recognized the glint passing behind her eyes. I had observed it a lot living on the streets, and distinguishing general emotion had been something easy for me.

"Fuck me running," Alice said, her voice an octave higher than usual.

I continued looking at the girl in awe, my eyes finally catching at her most predominant feature. It seemed to be where everyone's eyes were trained. Her tiny figure had a huge protruding stomach sticking out in front of her. It peeked out from her coat as the fabric strained to contain it. She took off walking as quickly as she could to the field towards Edward, all of us watching her as though she were an alien with three heads.

"Who is that?" I whispered, already knowing the answer.

"That . . ." Alice said, her eyes flicking between me and the girl. ". . .that's, Kate!"

* * *

**A/N: ::Hides in cubbyhole:: Some of you may have guessed, I did a little bit of foreshadowing with Kate's behavior! I know it sucks and to be quite honest things aren't going to get any easier for a while!**

**Go figure right!! Not that there hasn't already been copious amounts of angst and drama already.**

**To my awesome beta, who turns these thing around and is seemingly psychic lol. Cravingtwilight!! You are awesome!!!!**

**My handholders and ledge talkers Miztrezboo and bendingmirrors, who both have amazing writing talent and have some amazing fics!!! In fact, miztrezboo is selling herself (or her talent! However you want to look at it) for an amazing cause, Alex's Lemonade Stand. If you head over to thefandomgivesback dot com, there will be more information! It's a great cause and it's also a lot of fun!!!**

**The forum girls for being so totally amazing!!  
**

**Finally, A HUGE thank you to the reviewers who continually floor me every week with their awesome comments and theories, not to mention encouragement to not hide in cubbyholes lol. You are all so amazing and so inspirational to me. Thank you.**

**Much love and GINORMOUS hugz ~weezy~**


	31. Losing Patience

_**All things Twilight belong to the Amazing Stephenie Meyer. Happy TGUT Tuesday :)**_

* * *

**Losing Patience**

_Are you a riddle to solve all along?  
Or am I overthinking thoughts, I'm human after all  
Only human, made of flesh, made of sand  
Made of Human**  
Only Human - Jason Mraz**_

* * *

All of the air seemed to gush from my lungs as my worst fears were confirmed. Edward's ex-girlfriend had shown up. I had almost expected her too, but not like this, and certainly not in this condition.

"Kate?" Edward asked, standing up and dusting himself off. His eyes flickered to me briefly, but I doubted he saw what I was feeling. Shock and hurt didn't cover it. It was irrational considering what I had concluded before the blonde had shown up. Everything I had decided seemed to freeze in my head, the iciness of the situation causing the small tendrils of pain to incapacitate me.

My reaction didn't make sense even to me. I had no explanation for the sudden chill down my spine or the feeling of inadequacy that ran through my veins. The sudden overwhelming feeling of helplessness made my head spin in reflection. This wasn't right, this territorial feeling, that I could only describe as jealousy was irrational. I had already made up my mind to an extent.

The blonde that seemed to hold our attention seemed oblivious to everyone but Edward.

She was pregnant, his ex-girlfriend was pregnant, and seeing as the reason they broke up had nothing to do with either one of them cheating, I could only assume it was his. My heart cracked in my chest, pounding against my ribs with a painfully accuracy against my long healed bones.

Why was this affecting me so much? Why, when I had decided that I didn't want him, when I was so very sure I wanted Jasper, did someone show up to claim him? The confusion and indecision ran through me in small waves making my body tremble. I should be exultant about this, but there wasn't even a show of the emotion. Taking away my decision had only thrown me into a deeper confusion. I was a sick person.

I knew beyond a reasonable doubt that I still wanted Jasper with a hundred percent of my heart and soul, but Edward had been the reason for my doubt. Edward had been the reason I was taking a step back rather than diving headlong into a relationship with Jasper. I needed to be sure, and now that the choice had seemingly been stolen from me, I was stuck in another downward spiral.

"Bella, honey?" I could hear Alice's voice as though it were at the end of a long tunnel. The sound was muffled and almost completely muted. I wanted to answer but the tumult of thoughts in my head didn't give me the functionability to do it. I didn't even seem to have the ability to move my limbs.

My eyes watched as Edward appraised the beautiful woman stood only a few feet away. Everyone was wide eyed in wonder as she came to a stop in front of him, her hands reaching out to him with an indecision. She wanted to touch him and make sure he was okay, but she was afraid of rejection. My stomach rolled within me.

I knew he wouldn't reject her. He loved her, he'd been about to propose to her before she walked away from him. What we had wasn't even close to what he'd shared with her. Sure, she'd broken his heart, but looking at it from the outside, I knew he would forgive her in an instant. I knew because I had just come to the same realization about Jasper and myself.

The same realization, yet this had affected me more than I had ever assumed.

"Bella, breathe!" Alice said, her hand coming to my back and rubbing gentle circles.

Wasn't I breathing? The tightening in my chest suggested I wasn't, but I still couldn't find the simple functions of my own body as the shock worked through me slowly. A callous laugh seemed to echo around my head. I couldn't even tell Jasper anymore, I couldn't tell him he was the one I wanted because he would believe it was a reaction to this. I couldn't do that to him, I couldn't let him think I had chosen him because I had no other choice. I loved him, I wanted him, and I couldn't even tell him.

Breath rushed into my lungs as the weight of this situation crushed me. I needed to get out of here, I needed to leave before this all got too much, before I broke down and let them see just what this was doing to me. Panic seemed to encase me in a shell as my head and my heart finally connected. What was I doing here? All of this was so far out of my league, both of these guys were too good for me. I even had to admit to myself that my life had been so much simpler without all of this.

I had to leave, I couldn't stay here and come between them anymore. I couldn't come between Edward and Kate. I knew he still loved her, even though he had wanted me. This situation was so much more than my petty decisions. There was going to be a child involved. Something Edward and Kate had created out of love for one another. I wasn't naive enough to believe I had anything to tie him to me after this, and in all honesty I didn't want to.

I had to leave, because I couldn't have Jasper always wondering whether I was with him for the wrong reasons. If I had just spoken to Edward last night, made time to talk to him. None of this would be as complicated, I would still have taken the time to figure out if it was the right thing for Jasper and I, even though I knew he was the only one I wanted.

My chest constricted with painful waves as I came to the same realization over and over again. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be doing this or thinking these things. All I had done since I had arrived was complicate their lives. I couldn't keep doing that to Jasper. I couldn't let Edward think he had a tie to me when his obvious choice was stood directly in front of him.

"I have to go, Alice. I can't be here," I said, my voice shaking with my emotion. There was so much more behind that weighted sentence that I didn't want her to see.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, you stay here, I'll see you at home," I lied.

I pushed my body until I was stood up, my limbs felt as though they consisted of jelly, unable to even carry my weight, but I forced them forwards, I forced myself forward. My heavy heart seemingly weighing me down.

"Bella," Alice said, standing up with me. I wanted to look at her one last time before I left but I couldn't. She would see through the lie, she would insist she come with me. I couldn't do that.

"It's fine," I lied again, turning my back to her. "I'm just going to walk home and clear my head."

"I don't like it, Bella," I could hear the doubt in her voice.

"I just need a minute to myself. I'll be fine."

Alice sighed, but didn't fight me on the subject anymore.

It was going to take everything in me not to run from this situation, it would take all of my control to force one leg in front of the other at a normal pace when all I wanted to do was sprint away as fast as I could push my body.

I didn't look at the scene unraveling on the field, because my eyes would find the pools of blue and green that I so desperately wanted to avoid. I couldn't even look at them and say a silent goodbye, because they would both read into that, they would both see what I had finally resolved. I couldn't take this moment from Edward, and I couldn't lie to Jasper anymore. He would see a lie in the truth.

I headed towards the body of trees, my feet pushing against the ground echoing the empty thud of my broken heart. I tried to keep a steady pace, because I knew that there was at least one set of eyes watching me, but it grew harder with every step.

When I was finally hidden by the thickening forest, I started to run. My feet hitting the bracken with a painful accuracy that I wasn't aware I possessed. I was repressing the tears as I ran knowing that this luck couldn't be around for too much longer.

"Bella!"

I recognized the voice instantly. It seemed to call to my soul making my feet slow and my body ache. I knew this wasn't going to turn out the way I wanted it to. I knew that no matter what he said to me, I had to turn him away. Nothing I said would make him understand. My plan had been thrown out the window when the beautiful blonde showed up, looking glamorous and heavily pregnant.

"Bella, stop, please."

I did as he asked and came to a stop, I couldn't deny him that. Not now, not when I was leaving without saying goodbye. I had to let him have his chance to explain, then I had to do the worst thing I would ever do in my life. The worst lie I would ever have tell, and I had to do it well.

I turned slowly, trying to find some repressed anger I could use in this situation, something I could use to push him away so I would stop hurting him. This would break me completely, but it was the only thing I could give him.

"What, Jasper? I don't have anything left, I'm sorry. Please, just go back."

"I know you're upset, Bella. I know you better than you think I do."

I bit back the threatening tears. He did know me well, but I was banking on the fact that he had no idea what I was up to, what I was planning, because I didn't want to be stopped, I didn't want to have to put him through this. I didn't belong here.

"I know you do, Jasper. I just need some time. That was . . . a shock to say the least." I cringed hearing the pain in my voice, it made me sound weak and vulnerable. I knew him well enough to know that he would try to protect me from that, and I couldn't allow it. Even if I did want it with every fiber of my being.

"Yeah that . . ." he ran his hand through his hair looking back in the general direction of the field before turning back to me. ". . . I don't think anyone expected that."

"Don't I feel like an asshole!" I snapped sarcastically, turning away from him as the tears burned under my lids. I hated myself for this. I hated myself for pushing his buttons and making him react so I could walk away.

"You couldn't have predicted that, Bella," he answered, too empathetic.

"Why are you being so understanding, Jasper?"

"You still haven't figured that out?" he asked, his tone was pleading. "You still don't realize that all I have wanted since the moment I laid eyes on you is _you_? Why is that so hard for you to understand?"

"Why? Because you lied to me, Jasper. You don't lie to someone you care about, you don't lie to someone when they trust you, like _I_ trusted you. You don't lie to the people that _love you_!"

I reprimanded myself for the last comment, it brought a broken sob to my chest as I confessed the one thing I knew I shouldn't. I didn't want to tell him that. I didn't want him to know that I loved him, but it was the only way to explain the pain he'd put me through.

"I love you too, Bella. I do! Don't you see, Lauren was a fucking oversight on my part, but I never lied to you. You never asked, I never told, but that was because there was nothing to tell. Sure I dated her for two years, but that was because it was an arrangement. I was her decoy, she used me as a cover up, and I used her to give my parents a higher status amongst these sheep!" he growled, his hands reflecting his statement.

My heart sunk to the bottom of my stomach as his words washed over me like an acid bath. The sting, infiltrating my skin with tiny pin pricks of pain. I had been wrong all along. I had been wrong and I never even knew it. I grasped at the anger that flooded my veins. Why hadn't I listened? Why hadn't anyone _made_ me listen?

Because it wasn't their responsibility. I was the one that should have made the effort. Who did that? Who walked away from something like we had without listening to the explanation? _I did_, and I hated myself for it.

"I know you thought I was pushing you away after the first time you kissed me. I know you saw how I was avoiding you. But do you know why?" he asked, his frustration finally showing through his words.

"No," I admitted, shaking my head. "I wondered at the time, but when I came back from La Push . . ."

"I broke up with her that day," he said, cutting me off. "I didn't want to make you feel cheap, or used, so I respected you and I waited until I could break it off with her before I started anything with you. Emmett had no idea."

My heart shattered in my chest.

I was so damn stubborn. If I had just listened to what he'd had to say, I would have known, I would have never left. Instead, I had pushed him away, I had never given him the chance to explain, not in all these months. I was a fool, I was a selfish, stubborn fool, who was so far out of her element here. I was the only one to blame for all of this. I was the only one that could fix it.

Heavy tears spilled over my lids and slid down my cheeks. I would remember Jasper for the rest of my life, but even with this admission, I couldn't stay. I loved him with every part of my being, but that didn't mean I deserved him. I would just drag him down with me, and he deserved so much better. He deserved to be happy.

Jasper stepped towards me, his hand outstretched. I tried to steady my breath as the pad of his thumb gently brushed the tears from under my eyes, but I knew it sounded as though I was hyperventilating.

"Don't blame yourself, Bella, hindsight is twenty twenty, and I wish a thousand times over that I had just said it. You are so fragile, I was so afraid you wouldn't believe me. I figured I would give you time to calm down, but days turned into weeks and then weeks into months. When I saw you with Edward, I lost it. I know that I pushed the two of you together, but I also knew I would wait. I will always wait for you."

I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat at my answer. I couldn't tell him what I wanted, I couldn't tell him that I loved him with every ounce of my being at it was always him, because he wouldn't let me go. I couldn't have him doubt me, because I knew that in time he would wonder whether I had chosen him because of Kate returning. He would end up resenting me.

Charlie had told me everything that had happened between he and Renee, he'd told me that she had questioned whether they were together just for me or whether it was love. I didn't want that to happen to us, so I was willing to let him go so he would have a chance at happiness. I would never make him happy. Not while he wondered if I truly loved him or not.

I stepped out of his reach, the back of my hand brushing against my cheeks roughly. "It doesn't make any difference now though, Jasper, it's all too late."

"You don't believe that, Bella. I can see it in your eyes. I can see the pain flashing behind your eyes as you lie to me."

"Really, so I've been lying all this time?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying and you know it! I know you were confused, everything we did pushed you further into that situation, but I'm not an idiot, Bella. I knew something had changed the moment we walked out of Carlisle's office."

"Jasper, you don't know anything! I made a decision, but not the one you think!"

"You can't lie to me, Bella," he said, stepping forwards, his hand cupping my cheek as he captured my eyes again. "Why don't you believe me when I tell you that I know you. That I love you!"

"I know that you love me, Jasper, now at least, but has it ever been enough?"

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

My chest constricted in pain as the words turned to a restrictive coil in my chest. This was a new low, even for me. I was going to destroy us both, but this was the best thing I could do for him. This was my last parting gift to him, and in the long run it would work out better for him. I had to believe that. Even though I could see the echo of my pain in his eyes now. I had to believe that he would be better off without me, because all I was capable of giving him, was pain. I had nothing to offer him

"I can never be anything for you, Jasper. I made a decision, but it wasn't you!"

I wouldn't completely lie to him, I couldn't, but I could tell him a partial truth so he would fill in the blanks himself. I had chosen to be alone, but he would assume I had chosen Edward. It was the kindest thing I could do for him, he had to let me go.

The moment seemed to last forever as we simply stared at one another. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks now. They gathered in the palm of his hand as he stared at me, searching my eyes for the lie he believed would be there. I held onto the truth of what I had told him though. I hadn't decided to be with him, not yet anyway. I had decided to be alone so he would know it was him, but I couldn't do that now, all because I hadn't had a chance to talk to Edward. If Kate hadn't shown up, I never would have realized how bad I was for the both of them. They had bright lives ahead of them.

I was a disease, a dark spot in their lives that never should have come about. Jasper should have left me on the street that night. I would have adapted to life without Julia eventually. He had brought me into his life and I'd complicated it exponentially. I was nothing but trouble for them all. As much as I loved each and every one of them, I couldn't stay here and ruin there lives more than I had.

Alice didn't deserve to be caught in the middle of the fight between her brother and best friend. Edward didn't need to be distancing himself and causing a rift with his sister and Jasper because of me. Jasper shouldn't have to suffer because of my inadequacies. I had done nothing but complicate all of their lives. Even Emmett and Rose had suffered the rift.

I loved them enough to give them this gift. To give them back their uncomplicated lives. It was the only thing I could offer, and I wouldn't have them suffer through goodbyes. The only person that would suffer would be Jasper, but Alice would help him through it. She loved her best friend with a passion, and she and Jacob could help him through this without me.

Edward had his Kate back. I wouldn't hold him to an agreement I had no right to make with him. He loved Kate, and I knew the moment he saw her that it hadn't diminished in all their time apart. I could give this to him, I could let him go as I had been planning to.

Jasper still hadn't moved or said a word, his eyes simply watched the pain eat away at me, and it only seemed to reiterate my words, he was believing the lie. Just like I hoped he would.

His hand finally dropped from my cheek as my words sunk in. He was finally seeing past what he knew, I had made him doubt himself, even though he had been closer to the truth than he knew. I did want him, I would always want him, but he was never mind to have. I would never be enough.

"I see," he said, a deep frown etching his brow.

"I'm sorry, Jasper. I really am," I said stepping away. "I think I should go."

He stood completely still, his hand still swinging at his side as I backed away from him. I walked deeper into the woods, only looking back once so I could keep him in my memories.

Even like this, he took my breath away. He would always be my first and only love, no matter what happened in my life. I could make these last few months on the street, I could go back to living that life, because I knew Jasper would be safe and happy without me. They all would be.

As soon as he was gone from my sight, I took off running again.

I didn't think I had the strength to lie to him again, not after seeing the pain on his face. It would be the last memory of him and it would remind me of how much damage I was capable of. It would remind me what I had done to make him let me go.

I had no idea how I was going to get to Seattle, but I would take unnecessary risks to remove myself from the situation. I just had to get out of here then I could let myself break down. I just had to keep moving until I was far enough away to not go back on the promise I had made myself.

I ran with as much purpose as I could. My mind went back to the deeper roots of my problems. Renee and Charlie. Had Renee never left, I wouldn't be alone here. If Charlie had been more responsible, I would not be here. How could he have done that knowing he was the only person I had in the world?

My feet stilled suddenly as the thought ran through my mind. How could _I_ blame Charlie? He was dead, he never wanted to leave me alone, he never wanted to get shot while saving one of his men. He'd never intended for himself to die before I was eighteen. All he'd ever done was try to make our lives more comfortable, giving me the extended family that I needed as I grew up. He loved me, I knew that without a shadow of a doubt.

My fingers dug into the bark of the nearest tree as I fought my impending breakdown. It was coming, I knew that much. I could feel it in my bones, working it's way through my body like an illness. I could only blame myself for this, I had been the selfish one, I had been the idiot that had agreed for Jasper to take me to his house and care for me. I had been the first one to fall in love with him as I threw myself at him.

My life was so much simpler when I had lived on the streets. It was harder, but easier. Living in a big house with all of my friends had made me realize a few things. I may have nothing or nowhere to go on the streets, but I never owed anyone anything. Julia had been my family. I had nothing to worry about other than finding food, and the only decision I really made was where to find a shower.

In Forks, I had fiercely loyal friends, I had a warm bed and a huge house as my playground, but it came at an emotional cost. Jasper had been right that first night we had pulled up at his house. Nothing was different in this world. There was still misery and pain, they just had money to ease the impact.

I didn't belong in their world. I didn't belong anywhere.

I started walking again, slowly now. I had managed to push the pain from my mind for now, I could hold the tumult of emotions off for a while, because I had my strength. I'd always had my strength, I just hadn't used it, and now, I was hopeless, and I needed it more than I ever had.

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**A/N: So there ya have it lol, not much of a Cliffie, but I am anticipating hiding on Friday when I post!! Oh yeah, I'm posting on Friday this week as a huge thank you to you guys!!! It's Thanksgiving and I'm thankful lol.**

**This wasn't beta'd, my poor Beta Cravingtwilight has been run off her feet at work and RL is kicking her butt! So if you see any mistakes, don't hesitate to point them out lol.**

**Hev, thank you for not going on food strike sweets. Salix Caprea HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!, and to the other forum girls, Catmasters and Kellss29, you guys rock!!**

**To my handholders, Miztrezboo and bendingmirrors, thank you guys for being with me even when I am a neurotic mess. As always all their fics are on my profile and I love them!!!**

**:::Shameless plug alert::: I wrote an entry for the Les Femme Noires contest and if you would like to check it out, it's in my list of fics. It's called Avenging the Fallen Angel. So if you feel like checking that out :) awesome. Voting opens next Monday on that ;).**

**I would like to extend a HUGE thank you to the reviewers who are all amazing. You all have me blushing every week and you have no idea how much I appreciate everything you have to say. It means a lot to me, so thank you, thank you, thank you!! I love you guys.**

**Gah my notes get longer and longer, sorry! See you guys on Friday.**

**Much love big hugz ~weezy~  
**


	32. Goodbye Forks

_**All Things Twilight belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer. Happy TGUT Friday!**_

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**Goodbye Forks**

_I've still got your face_  
_Painted on my heart_  
_Scrawled upon my soul_  
_Etched upon my memory, baby_  
_I've still got your kiss_  
_Still burning on my lips_  
_The touch of your fingertips_  
_This love so deep inside of me, baby_  
**_Painted on my Heart - The Cure_**

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I forced myself to start walking again, I couldn't stay hidden here forever, and I needed to get out of here before they realized I had never intended on going back to the Masen's house, before they realized I was leaving for good. I was hoping that the new revelation would distract them all long enough for me to disappear without being followed.

Kate had just revealed something that would change Alice's family dynamic forever and I didn't expect her to worry about me while such a life changing situation strolled right into town. The Masen's would be tied up in this whole situation giving me plenty of time to get out unnoticed. It would only be a matter of time before Alice realized I hadn't made it back. I pushed the situation out of my head so I wouldn't have to think about it and paid attention to where I was going.

I could hear the intermittent traffic on the highway ahead of me; at least I hoped it was the highway. I didn't want to have to walk through the small town. I would be too easy to spot, especially when they all started leaving the field. Alice may be preoccupied, but if she saw me walking down main, she wouldn't hesitate to drag me into her car leaving me little to no means of escape. It would only leave me the option of running while they slept, and I didn't want to do what I was about to do in the middle of the night.

I knew I was taking an unnecessary risk hitchhiking, but I was out of options. Unless, of course, I felt the need to walk to Seattle, which wasn't really plausible. The rain had held off today, but it wouldn't last long, and a hundred and forty miles wouldn't be an easy trek. It may be easy to cut across the mountains, but there was no way in hell I was walking through the forest alone for over a hundred miles.

I was focusing so hard on all of this superficial stuff, because I didn't want to think anymore, I didn't want to feel. The moment I did I would crumble. I would fall apart leaving behind nothing but an empty shell. I had left my heart with Jasper. It would always belong to him. Without him in my life I didn't need it.

I doubted he would ever forgive me for this, for throwing his love back at him as though it were worthless. In truth, it was anything but. It was the most significant thing I had ever been touched by in my life, and I had lost it. Lost it because I was selfish, because I was stubborn.

I let my thoughts stay with him as I walked, and for the first time I realized I was walking away from the first home I had ever known since my dad had died. I had never put much stock in the saying '_home is where the heart is_' because I couldn't relate to the term. I never fully understood what that meant until I had left Jasper's house in December.

Everything we had gone through and I was still pulled towards him like an invisible link connected the two of us. He was my anchor, he was my home, he was everything to me. This was the exact reason I was letting him go. I had to let him be happy, and the only way he could ever do that was to move on without me. I complicated his life so much, and all I had managed to do in the last couple of months was hurt him. He deserved so much better than me.

Even when the pain had shrouded his handsome features with my rejection, all I had wanted to do was fall into his arms and declare my love for him. Tell him that I was lying, that it was always him, always us. I would choose him a hundred times over now that I could see what I had been avoiding. All he had wanted was for me to listen, and I could be angry at no one but myself.

I broke through the trees at a quickened pace, my heart in my throat as I wished for just a small token of luck before I left here. I didn't want to be seen by anyone as I walked the stretch of road. I knew the dangers of what I was doing, but it was a risk I had to take. It was the only escape I had. I knew that once I was discovered missing, they would all be angry at me. Alice had begged me to never run from them, and I was breaking the one promise I had made her, all because I couldn't handle the pain that was eating at me.

The pain was more real to me now than it ever had been before, because I had lost everything, I had lost so much in my life, I had to stop caring. Once I got to somewhere safe, I would allow myself this breakdown. I would allow myself to feel the pain that was brimming the surface, because I couldn't hold onto that anymore. I couldn't let it defeat me.

I almost snorted at the words that had preceded that sentence.

Somewhere safe.

I wouldn't be somewhere safe until I turned eighteen. I wouldn't be anywhere I could let go of this pain because I couldn't trust anybody. One moment of weakness and I would be vulnerable. How had I lived like this for so long before? Almost six months of care from the best friends I had ever made and I had forgotten how to look after myself, I had forgotten about all of the walls I had built to keep out the pain.

For a fleeting moment, I had believed my life could be the dream I had always wanted it to be. My knight in shining armor stealing my heart and never letting go, but it wasn't to be. It was an immature childish part of me that had no place in the harsh realities of this life. I had allowed myself hope, and I had destroyed myself in the process.

A semi truck flew past me, sending my hair swirling into my face. The wind left me stunned as the horn of the truck hung in the air behind it as it passed. It was the freeway, and I was happy for a little relief to my worries. Now, I needed to flag one down quickly, without getting myself killed in the process.

I walked in the same direction the truck had gone and waited for the sound of another large diesel engine approaching. Trucks were easy to predict because of their sound. I hoped it wouldn't take long to get a ride from at least one of them soon. I didn't want to stand around with my thoughts plaguing my mind as I waited. I had poisoned my mind enough for a lifetime and pathetically there was still a part of me waiting for the relief of the city so I could break down and be ignored.

Maybe the anonymity would be my saving grace. I had always looked on it as though it was a curse, but I knew beyond a reasonable doubt it would be my only hope now. A fresh set of clothes and a clean look and I wouldn't be pitied either. Just an ordinary girl, being ignored, but I would still be vulnerable.

There had to be somewhere I could be alone, and away from the dangers that shadowed me while I let my misery take me. I just needed to let this pain have me for a while before I could function properly again. Carrying this around with me would only break me down further. I didn't want to be a shell of a person; I wanted to live my life.

I wanted to live because I hoped for a future. For a 'could be'. If nothing else, I wanted to succeed so that if I was to ever see my friends again, they would know that what they did for me had given me a brighter future. I just wasn't sure that I was able to right now. The defeat seemed to eat away at me with every glimmer of hope I harbored.

With the pain, came the defeatist attitude. I was throwing myself back into a self imposed exile. Away from everything I had ever loved.

My heart constricted in my chest as another wave of realization dawned on me. I was alone. The one thing I had been terrified about, I had brought upon me. I had no one, and I was sequestering myself to solace. I was stupid, and selfish. I deserved to be alone, because all I did was hurt the ones I was supposed to love.

I could never go back to where I had come from though, that past was gone and it left a large gaping question in its wake. _Where_ was I going to go?

Alice had opened the door to the people she found under the bridge. The Swan Bridge of Hope was mostly completed now; the upper floors had only to be decorated before they would be used by apartments for the residents. Knowing this made me happy, but it left me with very little options. I had no where to go. The drug addicts would be holing up under the shelter that was the bridge now that there was no one to stake claim on the small dry plot of land, and I was sure I couldn't get away with living in the garage for another four months. One wrong move and I would be caught, not to mention the fact that Alice would look for me there.

Alice, I knew this would hurt her the most. I was sure my rejection would prepare Jasper for anything, but Alice would be hurt. All she'd ever done for me was give, give and give some more. Never looking for anything in return, she loved me as I loved her, but she would see this as a betrayal, because I had promised her I wouldn't leave or doing anything stupid without talking to her first.

I knew she'd suspected I was up to something when I walked away today. Maybe she had hoped Jasper would stop me. I hated that I was hurting her, but she had been pulled apart in this mess since I had left Jasper's house, and now, she would at least have some peace, even if she didn't necessarily understand why I left.

My feet drug in the dirt as I trudged myself forwards, my eyes were trained on the mud and bracken that littered the hard shoulder of the freeway. The road was silent, and had been since the last truck had passed. I needed someone to come by soon, I needed to get out of here before my weakness over took me and I went back on my word to myself. I had to release my friends from me and my complications; they didn't deserve to be stuck with my problems. They had so much more going for them.

The sound of a truck approaching pulled me out of the self imposed exile in my own mind. I knew I needed to get out of here before I started thinking more about this than I already had. My mind was on the wrong track, and I needed to push my emotions aside until I was on the road and out of here for good.

I walked backwards down the freeway with my thumb out as the truck flew by at a high rate of speed. It didn't even hesitate as it sped past me, and my heavy heart sunk deeper in my chest.

My arm dropped to my side and I turned around and continued walking towards what I hoped was Seattle. Not that it really mattered; both routes went in that direction. I could get where I needed to go quickly. I just needed to get someone to stop before it got too late.

I could see the rain over the mountains moving towards where I was stood and wished for it to stay away for just a while longer. I needed more time, I needed to get lucky, I needed anything but rain. The dark silver of the clouds seemed to hang like omens over the peaks as I continued to walk.

I listened to the sounds around me as I walked, trying to focus on the noise rather than my own thoughts. The more I thought, the more I fell into the pool of heartbreak, so this was my only option, this was all I had to keep me holding on, and even now it was a tattered thread holding me together.

There was so much weight on me as I tried to push back the inevitable, that I was finding it hard to breathe. The not thinking really wasn't working out as well as I'd hoped it would, it just seemed to keep piling up, suffocating me.

The sky darkened as I continued to walk along the side of the road. I knew it could be a while before another truck passed so I had to start making my way in that direction. If I got wet, so be it, it was the only chance I had not to go back on my promise to myself.

I listened to the wind whistling through the trees as the rain continued towards me. It was full of a sorrow that seemed to echo that in my heart. This was going to be so much harder now. I didn't have Julia anymore, and I had relied too much on the kindness of my friends. Every ounce of self preservation seemed to have evaded me in my time away from the streets. It seemed I had fooled myself into believing this was a permanent arrangement.

I had known it wasn't, I had stayed long past my welcome and I was stupid for being so dependent on their kindness. I would have to retrain myself now and push myself back into my old habits. It would be so much harder now I had known their companionship.

I heard the sound of another truck barreling up the hill with a growl as it down shifted. I spun around again and held out my thumb as I tried to stay upright walking backwards. I needed him to stop, and my need turned into a mantra as I begged him to be the one to stop, I could only fight my own will for so long before I started making excuses for my own behavior, before I gave up and went back to the people I loved.

The truck made no signs of stopping as it careened towards me. I straightened my arm out with my determination and hoped to hell he would stop. I needed a little bit of help here.

I took a deep breath as the engine started quieting with the slowing of the vehicle. I smiled and chased the truck down the road as it pulled onto the shoulder and rolled slowing. The logs on the back shifting slightly as it rocked to a stop.

I ran to the passenger side, as quickly as I could and pulled open the door. I waited for a second, I really wasn't sure about trucker etiquette. Hitching was one thing I really didn't do. Julia had warned me against it, but I was in dire straits and I needed just a little bit of luck on my side for once.

"Where you headed, lady?" The gruff voice of the driver voiced.

"Seattle, you going that way?"

"No, I'm heading towards Port Townsend, but you could probably get a ride from there."

"That would be great, thank you," I said, climbing up into the cab of the truck, and settling into the seat next to him. We both knew he should be asking questions rather than picking up a teenager on the side of the road, but we both chose to ignore it. I was sure he had his own reasons, but he wasn't offering and I wasn't asking.

He pulled away from the shoulder slowly, the truck growling as it picked up speed again. I chose to ignore the looks he was giving me from his seat, I didn't need him to get the wrong idea about me, and I hoped ignoring his leery looks would get my point across.

The radio was playing quietly on the console as we made our way through the thickening forest. The trees seemed to calm me as we wound our way through the forest with the occasional peek at the ocean as we neared small coastal towns.

I relaxed a little in my seat as we got further into the drive. He wasn't doing anything other than looking so I was feeling a little more hopeful, but I never dropped my guard. I was always aware of where his hands were and where his eyes were currently ogling.

It wasn't until signs for the up coming town started to really become more prevalent that I started to get uncomfortable. For the time I had spend in the truck, I had been able to avoid thinking at all, mainly because I was focusing on the driver than what I had left behind. What lay ahead though, the small town, the memories, my future. That was inevitable.

I wasn't looking forward to driving through Port Angeles, so I hoped the guy driving the truck would just keep going and not stop. I didn't need anymore reminders today. The blankness of the scenery was serving me well as a distraction, so I tried to name each of the trees as the truck motored up the one-oh-one.

"What's your name, kid?"

"Bella," I sighed, a little dubious about where this was going to go. I just hoped his conscience hadn't decided to step in at the last moment, because the last thing I needed was to be stranded in Port Angeles.

"I'm, Frank."

"Thanks for the ride, Frank. It was good of you to stop."

Frank chuckled on the other side of the truck as his eyes flickered to my breasts rather than my face. It made my skin crawl but I tried to ignore it, hoping it would be the extent of his crass behavior. It was all I could hope for at this point.

"I don't mind the company. To be honest, it gets pretty lonely out on the road."

"I imagine it does," I answered, my voice faltering a little as his eyes made another pass over my body. His lewd stares were beginning to give me the creeps again. I needed to distract him stop him from looking at me like I was a prime rib, ready for the taking. We still had quite a way to go before getting anywhere near Port Townsend.

"So, Frank, are you married?"

"Nope," he chuckled again, his tongue making a sweep across his lips as he did. "Never really stayed in one place long enough. How about you?"

"Married? Me?" I laughed. Then I realized how good of an opportunity this could be. "Not yet, but I suspect he will propose soon enough."

"Ahhh you marrying your high school sweetheart?"

"Something like that," I smiled, playing with my hands on my lap.

"He'd be stupid not to, a pretty thing like you shouldn't be left to get away. So are you running to him or away from him?" he laughed. Obviously finding his question a lot more humorous than it was. If he had really thought about the statement he would have realized how redundant it was. Still, I wasn't going to risk upsetting the small conversation we had going by correcting him.

"To him, he's at UW. He's a year older than I am. My parents took away my car because they don't like me seeing him," I lied again. It was getting easier and easier to spout lies, because in some ways, I wished my life had petty problems like this. "He said he needed to see me."

"He knows you're hitching?" Frank asked.

I tried not to cringe once I realized I had cornered myself. If I said yes, my make believe boyfriend would sound like an asshole. No guy would willingly put their girlfriend at risk just to see them for a night. If I said no, it would alert him to the fact that no one knew where I was, and I could easily disappear without a trace.

"He does, he doesn't like it, but he couldn't get away from school and he knows how stubborn I am. There's really not much he can do about it."

"Seems his mistakes have been a benefit for me."

My heart lodged itself in my throat as I worked through all of the connotations of his words. It would be just my luck to pick the one driver out of a million that lived up to the rumors. I almost laughed at myself. Who was I kidding, only one of those kinds of people would have stopped in the first place. The two trucks that passed were probably very honest men who were driving to provide for their families. This man had admitted to me that he was single, and a drifter of sorts. Once again, I had put myself into this position. I was the only one to blame.

The heavy silence that seemed to hang in the cab made me wary. I was getting more and more nervous about what he wasn't saying. I could almost see his mind processing the new information I had given him. Maybe I was a better liar than I thought; either that or he was weighing the truth of my statement. Maybe he was considering whether anyone actually knew where I was. I felt the need to break the silence on last time before my thoughts made me too anxious to even sit still.

"Thanks again, Frank. It was really nice of you to stop."

Frank nodded and averted his eyes back to the road.

We continued in silence just listening to whatever song the radio happened to be playing as we wove through the forest. I knew this silence was loaded from our previous conversation and I was worried that Frank was weighing his options as to how to deal with me. I wasn't a good liar, even I knew that and I was scared; that he would see right through the lie I had just fed him.

I knew people like Frank from my time on the streets. In fact, the night Jasper had saved me was a prime example of that. I wasn't completely naive, or blind to the fact that Frank's eyes were on me more than the road. I knew, in some capacity, that something was about to happen, and all I could do was prepare myself, because accusing this man prematurely of something he hadn't even attempted to do would get me thrown out quickly, and I wasn't ready to face the rain that was steadily beginning to pick up.

As we made our way through Port Angeles, I said a silent prayer that I was doing the right thing not getting out while I could. When did my desperation turn into madness, the first thing I should be doing is asking to get out, but here I was, silent, next to a man almost twice my size so I could once again run from my problems.

This was not going to work out well.

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**A/N: I told you this would be a worse Cliffie, Frank started out so nice in the beginning, but I think Bella hit the nail on the head with :::_Who was I kidding, only one of those kinds of people would have stopped in the first place_.::: I won't be hiding today :) But I may be on Tuesday lol!!!**

**HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all of you!**

**Just a quick thank you to my Beta, Cravingtwilight, for getting this done on turkey day for me, and being extraordinary at picking up my oversights, grammar and punctuation problems.**

**Miztrezboo and Bendingmirrors. You two are extraordinary at holding my hands lol, and I love that you can pull me back from the precipice of insanity lol. I know how neurotic I am about these things, and I know I gotta be a pain in the ass, but thank you for putting up with my crap!! ILY guys!!! Oh and there stories are among my favorites!! They're all amazing . . . it's a long weekend, go check 'em out :D**

**I don't know what I would do without the amazing forum girls, you're all amazing and I love your theories and questions . . . even if I do spend a lot of time hiding lmao!!**

**Thank you to each and everyone of you who review. You continue to blow my mind each week, and leave me mostly speechless!! You're all amazing and so passionate!! Thank you for continuing to read, even though it becomes frustrating at times. It means the world to me!!**

**I posted a special Friday posting because I am thankful for all of you guys. Love Ya!!!**

**Much love big hugz ~weezy~**


	33. Really?

_**All things Twilight related belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer. Happy TGUT Tuesday my lovelies!**_

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**

**Really?**

_She got _  
_What I want _  
_And she knows _  
_What I'm not _  
_And I got one mile to go _  
_On down the road_  
**_Trunk - Kings Of Leon_**

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The heavy silence seemed to grow palpable in the cab of the truck as the day darkened with the onslaught of the rain. I had been in the truck for over an hour and a half at this point, I knew that that Port Townsend was just over two hours away, and I started to calculate my odds of getting out of this unscathed.

Since our conversation, neither of us had said a single word, but it hadn't stopped his wandering eyes roaming over my breasts or my denim clad legs. I was growing more and more nervous the longer we went without speaking, but I knew the longer the silence reigned, the closer we got to our stop.

I was rigid in my seat now, all of my thoughts about what I'd left behind in Forks on the back burner as I concentrated on the man sitting next to me. My mind ran through every aspect of what could happen, every scenario that could develop.

The more images that flooded my mind, the more rigid I became in my seat. The thoughts were disturbing, and they terrified me. I was stronger than I had been in two years, but Frank was not a small man, his years of sitting behind the wheel were obvious by his protruding stomach.

My eyes flickered to the clock. I was hoping we'd get to where we were going before dark, because I really didn't want to be in the cab of this truck when night fell. My emotional onslaught had exhausted me, and there was no way I could keep my eyes open in the dark. It was crawling towards six pm, which meant that I had a couple of hours. The only problem now, was the storm we were heading into.

The black of the clouds ahead were interrupted only by the flashes of lightning that looked as though it rolled through them, jumping and flashing with the interruptions, which was then followed by the deep rumbling of the thunder. The blankets of water looked like a wall up ahead as the truck barreled straight towards it.

The moment we passed into the storm, the water that had been running in streams down the windshield turned into a constant flow of water that seemed to fall faster than the wipers could move to shift it. The road became a blurred mess as the truck slowed on the road.

My heart beat in my chest as Frank finally gave up the fight and pulled to the side of the road. He slapped his hazards on as he came to a stop on the shoulder. The truck jerked us forward as it stopped completely.

"Sorry kid, there's no way in hell I can get through that mess. We'll have to wait until it dies down a little before we take off."

"No problem," I said as confidently as I could, pulling my knees to my chest. I was getting cold and I didn't want him leering at me as we sat idle.

His fingers tapped on the steering wheel as he drummed along with the music on the radio. I tried to keep my eyes from his so there would be no reason for him to misinterpret my body language. I knew every excuse in the book, and just looking down and ignoring his obvious attempts to flirt were my best bet right now.

"So, this boyfriend of yours, when does he expect you?"

I almost groaned internally, because any defense I threw at him would be null and void, he'd see right through it. So telling him that my boyfriend was going to call the cops if I wasn't there by eight o'clock tonight, would only raise suspicion.

"Well, I figured it takes four hours to drive it without having to hitch, so add an hour or so onto that for trying to catch a ride, so about ten tonight."

I lifted my eyes to see his reaction and immediately regretted it. My stomach dropped and my heart galloped as his hungry eyes roamed over my now trembling form. Of course this would happen to me, my bad luck followed me everywhere I went, and this seemed to be no exception. I had gone against all of the rules of basic self preservation and I was paying the price. My worst fears were confirmed.

His tongue dragged languidly across his bottom lip as he drank me in. I could almost see his mind working behind the dull brown of his soulless eyes. He was forming a plan; he was trying to find the best way to do this. A line of ice ran down my spine as the realization sank into my body.

My stomach lurched at this new development and my flee instinct kicked into overdrive. My eyes scanned the water on the windshield trying to determine just how heavy the rain was, and where the hell we were. I could easily outrun him, but I had no idea where to go. If I was going to try and run it had to be now, he wouldn't put much more thought into what he was about to do.

The urgency of the situation dawned on me, and I instantly reprimanded myself for putting my safety at risk to stay dry. I had to do this; I had to run while I had the chance.

My hand snapped out from around my legs and pulled on the handle of the door.

It didn't move.

My eyes flickered to the man sitting beside me, but I was too late. Before I could even look for the lock to manually unlock the door, his arms were around my entire body. I could smell his repulsive natural musk. It made my stomach roll violently and I wretched. Fear flooded my entire body as the adrenaline pumped through my veins. I was going to die, or worse.

He pulled me from the seat and back towards to the sleeper that was at the back of the cab. Thick tears were rolling down my cheeks as my body twisted and writhed, trying to find my way out of the cage his arms had created.

"No, please," I breathed, hoping that my begging would get through to his rational side.

He grunted as my elbow connected with his overly large gut, the stench of his breath hitting my cheek and making another roll of nausea run through me. My legs kicked with every ounce of strength that I had as his arms stayed locked tightly around me. I kicked and locked my legs around anything and everything they touched but he was too strong.

I hooked my legs around the small opening so he couldn't drag me further into the tiny room, but he'd been expecting that, his arms tightened against my arms and ribs locking the air I had in my lungs. My body fought for air, struggling as I tried to keep my grip as my body trembled and shuddered violently around me. I kept fighting until my body rebelled and my legs released their lock on my only hope.

Frank's arms loosened the second my body gave way to his demands. His greedy grunts and pants filled the small space making the bile in my stomach rise painfully into my throat. He threw me onto the small bed roughly making my head come into contact with the hard shell of the truck.

Dizziness blurred my vision as I kept my body moving. I scrambled from the bed in an attempt to escape but his hands pushed me back down leaving only my arms and legs flailing as his weight pinned me down. Tears were falling from my eyes. I couldn't let this happen, not after avoiding it for two years, I had to fight.

Frank's hands roughly moved to the button of my jeans as another wave of nausea rolled through me. The tears felt as though they burned as the rolled down my cheeks and settling into my hair, it was a constant reminder of how weak I was. Blood curdling screams poured from my mouth as I refused to be taken down this easily, I would not be preyed on like this.

Another wave of adrenaline sprinted through my body as his fat fingers pawed at the waist of my jeans. He was getting too close, he had too much of an upper hand. I wouldn't let this happen. Not now, not ever, so I kicked my legs with more purpose as my screams got louder. Words started mingling with the sound as I refused to be a victim.

"No, no, no, no, no, NO!" I screamed manically.

My legs pulled back to my chest trapping his hands against my stomach as my body tilted away from him. The muscles in my legs coiled like springs waiting for release. I waited for the perfect opportunity before I straightened my legs with all of my weight behind them.

My body rocked forward as my feet connected to his groin with accuracy.

Frank dropped to his knees in the small space and I scrambled past him, my fingers digging into every surface they could sink into as I pulled my way to freedom. I could feel his hands clawing at my back but they found no purchase as I barreled quickly towards the passenger door of the cab.

My body hit the glass and metal, stopping me abruptly when it didn't move with my sheer will alone. I knew I wasn't out of trouble yet, I had to get out of here as fast as I could. My fingers pulled at the lock and the handle in tandem, but my fingers were slipping against the small plastic nub in my panic. My mind screamed at me to pay attention as my fear controlled my actions. I took one steadying breath as my fingers finally locked around elusive object. I pulled on the lock and the door handle again.

All of my weight had been on the door as I tried to open it, so it swung open into the storm taking me with it. My fingers gripped the door handle as my legs swung out behind me pushing my whole body into the torrential rain. The sudden wetness made my fingers slide against the plastic. I lost my grip and fell to the ground hard. My back hit the saturated grass on the side of the truck as my head bounced from the small amount of asphalt under the truck.

I cried out in pain as I scrambled to my feet. Pain ran down my spine as I pushed against the wet slippery grass. There was a decline from the road into the forest that I hadn't noticed, and as my feet slid, I lost my balance.

I screamed as my body rolled and tumbled quickly down towards the trees. I tried stopping myself but the falling rain and wet grass did nothing to stop my rolling decline.

I crashed into a tall spruce at the bottom, my body wrapping around it as my stomach impacted into it with the full speed of my decline. All of the air dispelled from my lungs, but the adrenaline kept me moving. I clawed at the tree, dragging my body upwards ignoring the searing pain in my fingertips as the bark penetrated the skin.

I tried pulling in a breath as I started running into the deep forest. I also tried to keep my sights on the road as I ran parallel with it. The rain was hitting me hard, drenching me from head to toe before I had even begun to catch my breath. The water wove its way from the top of my head making my hair into tendrils that stuck to my face and neck.

I was wheezing and spluttering as I forced my feet to propel me forward. Small screams came with my breaths that I pushed from myself. The aches from not only being manhandled but my own clumsiness burned around me, pushing me further from the scene.

I ran until I couldn't physically run anymore.

My hands gripped a passing tree and I bent at the waist, heaving the acid in my stomach onto the ground below. Tears were still falling silently from my eyes and I could only image how I looked. I took a deep breath before my stomach rolled again. I wretched air from my empty stomach, panting for breaths as everything I had just run through the forest from, caught up with me.

I stumbled forward, until the trees shaded me from the vicious rain, and collapsed to my knees. The rolling crack of the thunder made me curl into myself, my arms wrapping around my body as I huddled into the closest tree. I hadn't even been aware of the storm around me as I ran; everything seemed to have seeped from my mind in my panic.

I was in a ball rocking as the pain finally came in waves. My stomach felt the worst of it, but the headache was violent as it pounded from my temples to the nape of my neck. My first hours away from the solace of Forks and it was evident that I had lost my ability to look after myself.

I was stuck in the middle of God knows where, nothing around, but forest as far as the eye could see. It wouldn't be much longer until night started closing in, and it was obvious the rain wasn't going to let up anytime soon. I had to start thinking like a homeless person again, before I got myself killed.

I used the tree to steady myself as I stood again. Pain shot through every inch of my body, starting at my fingertips, where they were already raw. It moved through my body as I stretched to my full height. My eyes slid closed as I stretched out my limbs and torso. I hissed as the pain in my stomach throbbed, and was glad that it was nothing more than a bruise.

I started forwards again, losing myself in the ache of every step I took. I had brought this on myself; I had put myself into this position. I had no other choice, but I should never have put myself at risk like that. I knew better, Julia had taught me better.

I tried to walk as quickly as my body allowed me to, ducking into the trees whenever headlights brightened the quickly darkening roads. Night was beginning to close in behind the storm and I was hopelessly lost in the forest, only the dark road guiding my way.

The rain was still falling in large droplets, saturating my clothes and shoes until I was shaking with the cooling night air. I tried to speed up my movements into a jog to keep myself warm, but the aches wouldn't allow it. I needed a warm bath and a deep sleep to work off the aches. I would be fine once it was out of my system. I just needed to keep going and find a phone, or a gas station or anything that would help me connect with somebody. I couldn't risk hitching anymore. I wasn't willing to die out here, and I wasn't willing to die alone.

I pushed myself forward, even when my body complained about the movements. I hated admitting defeat, but I needed help, gone was the strong independent soul that had lived for almost two years by her own determination. In her place, was a weak teenager, someone who could barely function on her own in a huge house and with a support system.

The steely gray light quickly faded to black the longer I walked, and I lost all concept of time. My feet started dragging in the wet bracken as the fatigue settled in. I was growing more and more tired by the second. Last night had been the first time in weeks I had been able to get a decent nights sleep.

The weeks seemed to catch up with me the further I walked. The exhaustion seemed to seep into my limbs slowing me even further. I must look like the walking dead and I was glad no one had to see me like this.

I tried thinking about anything as I walked, but the visions from the cab of the truck interrupted everything but my memories of Jasper or my friends from Forks, they were the only things to keep the conscious nightmares away, but then it hurt too much to think of them.

When I finally saw stationary lights ahead, I was so tired I thought I was seeing things. My eyes took longer to blink and focus, spending more time closed than open as the very last of the adrenaline expelled from my body.

The rain water had no effect on my cold face as I continued forwards towards the lights. I stayed hidden in the line of trees as I walked, still dubious about any traffic that passed between where I was and the small building that was becoming sharper and sharper in my focus.

I had started to use the trees as support as I walked, pushing myself from them as I took the necessary steps to the next, but the closer I got to the building, the more hope that flooded my system, the more hope that filled me, the more alert I became.

I had known the darkness would drain me. It was the very reason I hadn't wanted to be in that damn truck past sundown. It seemed that walking through the forest in the dark was no different, my body was rebelling, but this small building, that was becoming more defined with each step, seemed to bring back the consciousness that had been alluding me.

I pushed myself forwards until I was almost sprinting. That in and of itself was dangerous considering I wasn't the most balanced person around, add in exhaustion and it was a disaster waiting to happen, but my need for civilization seemed to push me towards it.

I almost cried in sheer happiness as I saw the gas pumps and the cars parked in front. There were no semi trucks and it looked as though there was no room for them, for that I was grateful. I ran harder, my feet hitting the ground in a rhythmic stride as I could almost smell the solace this would bring to me.

I stopped running as soon as I was opposite the small store. My heart was pumping hard as my brain caught up with my determination. I was a mess; this would just bring up questions I really couldn't answer honestly. If I told them the truth they would call the cops and everything I had avoided up until now would come crashing down around me.

If I was going in there, I needed a damn good excuse as to why I looked this way. I leaned against the closest tree, my hands running through my saturated hair, getting caught in the unavoidable tangles. I needed to think. Why would I be in the middle of nowhere looking as though I had been rolling in the mud?

My breath was still labored as a set of headlights appeared around the wall of trees. I ducked behind the tree I was using to hold me upright, my fingers digging into the bark sending new waves of crackling pain up through my arms as I tried to work through the irrational fear that caused my heart to speed up in my chest again.

It wasn't until the pickup and trailer passed that the idea crossed my mind. In the lights of the gas station, I had seen what the driver had been towing and seemed like the most feasible excuse I could use for being out here alone, caked in streaked, wet mud from head to toe.

I waited until the road darkened again before heading forwards. My shaking foot hit the asphalt as I pleaded with myself to tell a convincing lie. I needed them to believe me so they wouldn't call the police. If I could pull it off, it would get me the help I so needed right now. No matter how reluctant I was to ask for it.

I moved over the street at a paced trot before slowing to a walk. I crossed the parking lot towards the building where the cashier stood talking to one of the few customers who stood inside. I hesitated at the door, my hand on the cool metal as I tried to convince myself of my own lie before I stepped inside.

My time ran out as a customer headed directly towards me. I knew I had to do this before I lost my nerve, so I pulled open the door, wincing slightly as it stretched my stomach muscles. The out going customer gave me one surprised glance, before walking out and letting the door close behind them.

The store wasn't big, but it was warm, I could feel the heat on my cheeks as I stepped inside looking around meekly. The cashier looked surprised by my appearance, her eyes wide as she took in my ragged state.

"Oh dear. Are you okay?"

I gave the woman a weak smile. "Yes, thanks. I was out riding when the storm hit. The thunder spooked my horse and she bucked me off. I've been walking for hours. You can't imagine how happy I was to see your lights."

"Are you hurt?" she asked, stepping around the counter and heading towards me. Genuine concern in her eyes.

"A couple of bruises, nothing broken," I said, smiling again. "I was wondering if I could use your phone to call someone to come get me?"

"Yes, of course. Why don't you go to the bathroom and try and clean up a little. I'll get you some hot chocolate to warm you up and you can use the phone."

I almost broke down and cried on the spot at her kindness. I hadn't expected it at all. It was something I needed after today. The pressure of everything seemed to press down on my shoulders as I stood there, and I knew I had to escape before I fell apart.

"Where's your bathroom, please?"

"Right behind the employee only door. No one will bother you there."

"Thank you," I said, trying to smile again as the tears started pooling in my bottom lids. "You're very kind."

The lady smiled but didn't say a word as I took off hastily towards the direction she had pointed me in. I needed to get out of sight before the tears crashed over me like the still violent storm outside.

I slipped into the bathroom, closing and locking the door before sliding down it slowly. I stopped, balancing on the balls of my feet as I bent over my knees, letting the sobs break through the careful veneer I had put together for the people in the store.

My whole body trembled as I pressed my hand over my mouth to keep the sobs hidden. I stayed that way until my body calmed and the pain subsided. I knew I couldn't stay in here too much longer before they became concerned.

I took deep calming breaths before I even attempted pushing myself up to a standing position again. I turned to the mirror slowly, trying to prepare myself for what I would see. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty, but I couldn't hide the gasp that fell from my mouth as my eyes scanned over my unrecognizable form.

My hair had started drying, the thick mud holding the tendrils together like dreadlocks. There was a line of pink running down my hairline, which, I guessed, had at one point been blood from hitting my head on the asphalt. The rest of me was dark brown, with bracken sticking from the pockets of my jacket.

I pulled up my shirt slowly to examine the damage on my stomach. I was relieved to find only a small bruise in the center, just above my belly button. There was no guarantees that it would stay that way, but for now, it would ease my mind, and I had to cling to that. I had to cling to anything that gave me piece of mind, otherwise I would fall apart again.

I leaned over the sink and turned on the hot water, breathing out a heavy sigh as I bent over putting my hair under the hot stream. I watched as the water ran brown and into the basin, washing away the evidence of my time in the forest, and pushing it all to the back of my mind to deal with later.

I cleaned up as much as I could in the small bathroom before reappearing with a fake smile for the woman behind the counter. She handed me a mug of hot chocolate, with the cordless phone that I assumed had been sat on the cradle by the cash register.

"Do you feel a bit better?" she asked, her eyes curious now that she could actually see my face rather than the mud stained streaks.

"Much, thank you," I replied with a smile.

She smiled and nodded again, indicating to the phone. "You go ahead and call who you need to."

"Thank you," I answered, picking up the phone.

I looked down at the receiver in my hand and took a deep breath, before dialing the one number I had hoped I would never need to use again.

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**A/N: Where's the drama button when you need it? Oh right there, *giggle* I know how could I leave it there? Who's she calling? Well there may be a hint in the sneak peek, because quite frankly it's going to be hard to hide it lol, but I will do my bestest lol!!**

**Thank you to cravingtwilight my uber fantastic beta, who worked a 72 hour week and took her thanksgiving off to beta for me. You're awesome!!!!**

**Miztrezboo and Bendingmirrors I don't know what I would do without the two of you, you're both amazing and I love you both for holding my hand through this. Just an FYI their fics are amazing, but lyrical melodrama story contest voting is open, and bendingmirrors entry fall at your feet is in the newbie section. The link for voting is on my profile :)**

**Oh my one-shot "Avenging the Fallen Angel" is in the Les Femme Noires contest and that opened for voting yesterday.**

**Thank you to the forum girls who are amazing. I love you all you always put a smile on my face!!**

**And as always a huge thank you to everyone who reviewed. I know some of you have you r patience wearing thin, but it's winding down slowly after this, a little more angst, but it's all leading up to what your waiting for lol. I love you all and I don't know how to thank you all for reviewing every week. You amaze me.**

**Much love~Big hugz ~Weezy~**


	34. One Final Hope Diminished

_**All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer. I just seem to torture the poor characters!! Happy TGUT Tuesday!!**_

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**One Final Hope Diminished**

_Will the mountain last as long as I can wait_  
_wait like the dawn_  
_how it aches to meet the day_  
**_Jezebel - Iron & Wine_**

**_

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_**I waited in the store for hours. The woman was a little curious, but I made up yet another lie to cover the lie I had told previously. Considering her kindness, I felt terrible about the whole thing. She had done nothing but make sure I was comfortable the whole time I was in her company, and I kept feeding her more and more stories of half truths as we waited.

They were half of the truth, and half what I wished were the truth, because in reality, who would want my life?

By the time I saw the familiar car pull up in front of the station, I had her believing in a fairytale. She made me promise to come and see her again when I sorted everything out and told me she would keep an eyes out for Dancing Grace, my make believe horse.

We said our goodbyes quickly as she gave me a tight hug before I left the store. She stood at the door waving as I got to the car, and I gave her a wave back as my nerves got the best of me.

I opened the car door and climbed in without a word, trying to avoid the curious glance of the driver.

"You look tired," he said as I closed the door. I nodded my reply, still unable to look at him. "Try and get some sleep. I'll wake you when we get there. We'll talk when we get home."

"Thank you."

He nodded in acknowledgment and put the car in drive, pulling away from the gas station.

I knew I should say something more, especially considering he'd driven all the way out here at this time of night to come and get me, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to say yet. Anything I had to say would result in a barrage of questions that I just didn't have answers to right now.

I laid my head on the headrest and tried to avoid getting any of the dried mud on the car seat.

It didn't take long for me to fall asleep because I trusted him so implicitly. The darkness of the winding roads and the hum of the engine soon lulled me into a deep peaceful sleep. My mind was blank as the weight of unconsciousness pulled me under.

I slept for the entire duration of the drive. I woke up feeling disorientated as my eyes scanned the houses in my field of vision. For a moment, the day's events seemed like one big nightmare.

My head turned so I could see his face in the light of the dashboard. I wasn't sure if he was aware that I was awake, and to be honest I wasn't sure if I was. The thickness of sleep still held me in its embrace and I knew I was still exhausted.

The car turned slowly into a driveway before the engine cut off, my eyes were still on the driver as I willed my body to move, but the heaviness of unconsciousness still weighed me down.

"You awake?"

"Yeah," I mumbled, forcing myself to sit up and take off the seatbelt. "You're the only person I could call, Brian. I'm sorry if I put you in a difficult situation."

"Debbie and I have been out of our minds, Bella. We've heard nothing for two years, two!"

"It was better you didn't know."

"Bullshit, Bella. You still look tired, so I will keep Debbie off your back tonight, but you know you can't avoid telling us the truth forever."

"I know." I was fighting a smile now, because Brian had always been just as paternal as Charlie when it came to me.

"What the hell are you smiling at, kid?"

"I missed you, Uncle Bri." I launched myself across the center console at him, my arms wrapping tightly around his neck as another wave of tears spilled over my bottom lids. I had known him my entire life, and hugging him felt like home.

"Don't cry, Bells. You'll just freak Debs out more. You know what she's like."

I laughed and nodded through my tears, my index finger wiping away the few tears that had started the decline over my cheeks. It felt so surreal to be talking to him again after so long. Not because I hadn't imagined it a hundred times over the last couple of years, I had. It was surreal because it felt like no time at all had passed. He was still the uncle figure I had always known him to be.

Light spilled over the driveway as the front door opened wide ahead of us, and I breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction seeing the woman who stood in the threshold. I was so excited to see her that I almost fell out of the car as I flung the door open.

My feet didn't seem able to carry me quick enough as I ran up the drive, Debbie finally stepped out of the house, her arms enveloping me in an embrace that I hadn't realized how much I had missed until now. It was a home I hadn't been to in a while, which was hard to explain because I seemed to have two versions of home in my heart.

I could feel her frame shaking around me, and I knew she was crying as we silently just held one another. Debbie was the only mother figure I had ever known. I don't know how long we stood that way, but when she finally pulled away, her hands cupped my cheeks, tilting my face so she could see me in the light still spilling from the door behind her.

"Bells, it's so good to see you. I had no idea where you were and it terrified me."

"I'm sorry Aunt Deb, it was better that you didn't know."

Tears spilled from her eyes and over her cheeks as she pulled me to her again, her arms releasing my face as she pulled me into a fierce embrace. I knew the two years had been hard on her, and I hated that I had given them nothing over that time. Brian had to uphold the law and live by his oath, but he would never have turned me in for calling them.

Brian wrapped his arms around both of us and guided us into the house, closing and locking the door behind him. Their house hadn't changed at all, the only addition was all of the kid paraphernalia from the twins. It still felt like the comfortable place I had spent so much of my early years in.

"How are the twins?" I asked, still tucked under the arms of Debbie and Brian.

"Trouble," Brian laughed, winking at me.

"They're certainly a handful. They were in bed when Bri left, but I know they;ll be excited to see you."

"Really?"

"What, you think just because you're not here, we don't talk about you?"

I never even considered that. There weren't many days when I didn't think about either of them, however fleeting the thought may have been. Yet, I hadn't considered for a second that it would be the same in reverse, because I was so wrapped up in my own problems to even see through the haze.

"I'm excited to finally meet them, too. I can't believe that they're two."

"Almost three," Debbie said proudly.

"Really?"

"Bell's honey, you've been gone for almost three years. They were born two weeks after they took you."

My whole body shuddered from the thought and it didn't go unnoticed. I saw the look Debbie and Brian exchanged over my head and I felt terrible. I was putting them in a terrible position by being here, but I was sure that my story would only make them feel worse. I didn't want to tell them what I had been doing all of this time, but I knew I had to, because they were going to ask.

"I'll tell you what, why don't you go grab a hot shower. I'll grab you something to wear."

I almost groaned in pleasure at the thought of a steaming hot shower. My aches hadn't diminished much because I had fallen asleep in the car, but a hot shower would relieve the tensed muscles in my body and help me fall into a deep sleep.

"Yes, please."

"Right, you can use our bathroom. Charlie and Marie have a tendency to get up in the middle of the night and they won't know you're here. I'll come up with you and get you some towels."

"Charlie?"

Debbie sucked in a breath, her eyes flicking to me and then Brian as sadness washed over her features. I could tell she hadn't meant to break it to me that way.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart. We just . . . well we missed you both so much, and we wanted to honor your Dad for being who he was, and being so . . . I hope you're not upset."

I felt tears forming in my eyes, but they were happy tears. Tears that warmed my heart. Charlie had impacted so many lives in his short time here, and it was obvious how much his best friend and family loved him. I hadn't even considered they would love me to that capacity too. I knew I undoubtedly loved them, but to think it was reciprocated so fiercely touched me.

"No, I am honored to tell you the truth," I said, my voice thick with emotion. "I'm sorry I'm being so melodramatic, I'm tired and so happy to see you, it's all a little overwhelming."

"Of course it is. Come on, you hop in the shower and I'll make up your bed in the guest room. We'll talk tomorrow."

"Thank you," I said with every ounce of emotion coursing through my body. "I'm so happy to see you guys."

I gave them both another hug before Debbie led me upstairs by the hand. She gave me some towels and stepped out of the bathroom, telling me there would be some clothes on the bed when I was ready for them.

I climbed into the hot shower and groaned into the streaming water as it cascaded down over my skin. So much had happened today, so much I had been putting off thinking about and dealing with, it seemed to seep through my pores as the hot water eased the tension in my limbs. With the relaxation though, came the releasing all of the emotions I had been suppressing.

I tried to keep my sobs quiet as I broke down in the shower. I had just finished washing my hair, and the small collection of pine needles hovering over the drain sent me into an downward spiral of despair. All of the emotions seemed to push from my body as I fell to my knees. Hot water bounded around me like a thousand tiny fingers pushing everything I was holding deep down to the surface.

My hands slammed down on the veneer of the tub as my body shook violently with the torrent of emotions. Images and faces passed across my mind in flashes as I remember exactly what I had been running from, and how close I had come to being raped, again.

My hand pressed against my mouth after the first moan of distress passed my lips. I couldn't let them hear me breaking down like this. They had already been through so much tonight, I knew we all needed to sit back and breathe for a while before I laid it all down for them, because I knew them well enough to know they would burden themselves with the blame.

It took me a while to finally push the emotions back into the small corner of my mind I held them in. I composed myself as best I could while finishing what I needed to do. I knew my eyes would be red and swollen from the tears, but I hoped that I could pass it off as fatigue.

I dressed in the gray sweats and vintage band t-shirt Debbie had left out for me, and carried my old clothes in a ball down the stairs with me. Debbie took them from me without a word and headed towards the kitchen.

"Feel better?" Brian asked, as I fell onto the couch next to him.

"Yeah, just tired."

"I have to work tomorrow, but I should be home for dinner. We're going to talk about all of this, Bella."

"I know."

"I'm glad you're here though. I'm glad you're safe. Something tells me that you had to have been pretty spooked to call me, and I don't want you to spare the details. I don't know what we're going to do, but we'll figure something out. You just have to trust us."

"I do, Uncle Brian. There are just a few things that I don't think either of you should have to hear."

"Don't do that to us," he said sternly, his eyes flashing with the interrogational cop that resided in him. "Don't you hide something from us because you think it will be too hard to hear. If you lived it we want to know about it. You're seventeen, Bella, no one your age should have to deal with shit like this."

"Brian Green, watch your mouth. She may _look_ like an adult, but as you just specified, she's seventeen!"

"Sorry, baby," Brian answered, rolling his eyes dramatically.

Debbie handed me a plate with a ham sandwich and a glass full of soda. I hadn't even realized I hadn't eaten all day. My stomach rolled volently in hunger as I eyed the plate. She seemed to remember that I hated tomatoes.

"Eat that, and then you're going to bed. You look skinny and exhausted. I hate to think how much you weigh right now."

"I'm fine, I saw a doctor yesterday, he was concerned about my weight, but . . ." I stopped mid sentence and took a bite of the sandwich when I saw their eyes widen.

"Bella . . ."

"Not now, Debbie. Let the girl get some rest first."

Debbie nodded and sat down beside me in silence as I finished eating.

~*~*~*~

I'm not sure exactly when I fell asleep, but I knew it hadn't been in this bed. The last thing I remembered was finishing the sandwich, my eyes moving around the room in a wistful reminiscence of years long since passed.

I knew I had more than likely got caught up in the memories as they flooded my mind and drifted into a peaceful sleep from the happier times of my life. It didn't seem to be a bad thing either. It was one of two things that kept the nightmares away last night, and it was either those very memories, or the sheer exhaustion that had been slowly dragging my body towards unconsciousness.

I knew I had to keep myself busy in order to keep the thoughts away from my mind today. I needed a distraction before everything caught up with me. I got up and looked at the clock, it was already one, and I was thankful that most of the day had been wasted sleeping, it was less time to have to kill being awake.

I made my way downstairs, hearing Debbie reprimanding one of the twins in the kitchen. I remembered that tone; I had been on the receiving end of it all too often growing up. Three sets of eyes looked up at me when I walked into the kitchen.

"Good afternoon, sleeping beauty," Debbie laughed, and I didn't miss Marie's eyes widening at the reference. Charlie shot up from the floor and hid behind his mom's legs, peeking at me.

"Marie, Charlie, this is Bella."

"Bewwa?"

I giggled at Marie's attempt at saying my name.

"Hi, Marie," I smiled, crouching down so I was closer to her level; she seemed fearless compared to her brother.

"Hi, Bewwa, you pway now?"

"Okay, what are we playing?"

I sunk to the floor with Marie, she was holding a baby doll in one hand and a replica car in the other. She handed me the doll with a toothy grin.

We were playing for five minutes before Charlie got up the nerve to come and join us. I was pretending to not understand how to work the giant lego blocks laid in front of me, and he finally inched forwards from his place behind Debbie's legs, his big eyes full of curiosity.

"I show you?" he asked, falling to a sit next to me.

I nodded and watched as he took each of the colors and made a simple tower. I could see Debbie in my peripheral vision smiling at me as she made her way around the kitchen.

She handed me lunch on the floor as I continued to preoccupy the kids. They were smart and easy to distract. I asked them both questions as we played together. Both of them made me smile as they answered with brutal honesty.

Debbie moved around the house cleaning and working. She beamed at me with every pass through the kitchen and I could tell she appreciated me being here to distract the two kids while she did what she needed to do. I was only too happy to play with them, because they were equally as good of a distraction for me. Not giving me time to think about anything at all, all of my focus was on the two of them.

It was four o'clock when Debbie came back into the kitchen, ready to make dinner. The twins were wrestling with me on the floor, taking turns to tag in and knock me over as their giggles continued to echo around the room. They had told me they watched wrestling with their daddy, and it didn't surprise me in the slightest. He and Charlie watched anything and everything labeled as a sport. I tickled them to gain the upper hand when they almost strangled me and then would crawl away on hands and knees until one of them jumped on my back.

"Okay you two. It's time to let Bella take a shower and get dressed before your daddy gets home from work. Who wants to give Bella her present?"

Both of the twins raised their hands with grins, Marie hopping up and down to make herself taller, making me smile at her enthusiasm.

The three of them disappeared from the room heading towards the living room. While they were gone I took the opportunity to get higher than three feet from the floor. I stood up and stretched each of my aching muscles, my joints popped and complained as my fingers reached far above me. Thankfully, my stomach wasn't as sore as it had been yesterday, I was glad that the incline hadn't been any steeper it would have made the impact so much worse than it had been.

The three of them came back into the room, Marie and Charlie each holding a bag from a retail store I recognized. They walked towards me with big grins on their faces, dropping their bag in front of me.

"We all went out this morning and bought you something to wear, I got the sizes from your other clothes."

"Thank you," I said to Debbie, before crouching down to the height of the two kids who stood at my feet. "And thank you two too."

"Welcome, Bewwa."

I opened the bag and pulled out everything but the new underwear that had been bought for me.

"I have a pair of tennis shoes upstairs I've never worn because they're too small, they should fit you. I tried to salvage yours but it was useless, I'm sorry."

"Thank you for trying," I said standing up and leaning over the twins to hug her. "You really didn't need to do this."

"Yes I did," Debbie's eyes pooled with water as her thoughts moved to, what I could only assume, was the two years they hadn't heard from me. "You go and shower before Brian gets home. I'll get dinner on."

"Thanks Deb," I smiled, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

By the time Brian got home, I was showered and dressed in the things Debbie and the twins had bought me, and was helping to lay the table with the kids. I was happy to see him, but couldn't ignore what was coming with his arrival.

I had successfully avoided even thinking about the things I had been through, and the people I missed with every part of my very being. Brian had said outright that we would talk tonight, and I couldn't refuse them that, not even if it would break me down again. They needed to know the truth, and if I even tried to lie, they would see right through it.

I had no choice but to talk to them, but I hoped I could put them off as long as possible, because the normalcy of today had been a kind of sanctuary for me. The twins were more amazing than I could have ever imagined and being with the only family I had ever know growing up, had been comforting.

Dinner was an event, Brian asked the twins about their day and they recounted every second of it for him, tiny arms flailing as they described the castle we built out of Legos and the wrestling matches we'd been having. Their animation and exuberance had us all laughing with them, I doubted anyone could resist the charms of these two.

This was the closest to normal I had been in a long time. Just listening to Debbie and Brian talk was like revisiting my childhood. The two of them always bantered, no matter what the occasion, or topic of conversation. They had always been complete opposites. Debbie has always said they complimented one another, and sitting here now, understanding their dynamic more than I had before, I agreed with her.

It wasn't until the twins were taken upstairs did I start to get nervous. There would be no distraction now, and certainly no excuses for not spitting out everything I had done in the last two years. Brian and Debbie both took the kids to bed leaving me alone in the living room with too much time to let my mind wander to everything I had been avoiding.

The memories flooded my mind the second I sat on the couch in the silent living room. The scary, the heart ache, the loss, all of it seemed to chip at the flimsy straw building I had been using to protect myself all day. Reality, like the big bad wolf, blew the house down in one fell swoop, leaving me with my arms wrapped around my legs, rocking with the pain that my mind brought to me.

I tried to push it from myself, but it was no use, there was nothing I could do to block the violent images from the close call yesterday, and I couldn't stand the fact that I had to share that. The only person that should shoulder the blame for that lapse in judgment was me, but I knew them too well to think they wouldn't take it upon themselves. I was the one that had run, I was the one who had avoided them, I was the one that had got in that goddamn truck.

Misery seemed to crush me under its weight as I sat waiting for their reappearance. I tried to keep my composure, because it would only make things worse for them. It seemed even that was easier said than done. I was trying to put my thoughts in order, deciding what I should and shouldn't share with them, but it just seemed to make the anxiety worse.

By the time they rejoined me in the living room, I was trembling. My legs pulled flush against my chest with my arms wrapped tightly around them and myself as though holding me together.

Debbie crouched in front of me, concern etched into her features as she tried to pry my hands from my thighs. I was bordering the breakdown I had feared and it scared me to death.

"Bella, honey, relax."

Brian sat down next to me and unfolded me easily, his arms draped over my shoulder as he pulled me against his chest. His hands ran through my hair as the trembling slowed considerably.

"What happened while we were upstairs, kid?"

I didn't want to lie to them, so all I could offer was the truth.

"I'm sorry, the last couple of days caught up with me."

"What happened to you, Bella? Please talk to us. We want to know everything."

I took a deep breath, my body shaking as I sat between them, my eyes on my hands. I started from the moment I left them at the courthouse, describing again everything I had been through since I last saw them both.

It was harder to tell the two of them than it had been to tell anyone else. They knew me so well; I had known them practically my entire life. This would be harder for them to hear because they had fought so hard for me, but everything was connected and I couldn't leave anything out, because nothing would make sense without the previous happenings.

I pushed through everything, even with Debbie sobbing next to me with the harder parts; I even pushed through my own tears as I reached my time in Forks. It hurt to talk about Jasper as something in the past, but it's where I had to leave him, he didn't need my troubles slowing him down, hurting him all over again.

I told them about Frank and the disastrous ride, right up to calling them from the store.

By the time I was finished, Brian was holding Debbie as she cried into his shoulder, one of her hands grasping mine tightly as the weight of my story hung over the room like a summer storm. I sat in silence as Brian's watery eyes blinked in sadness.

Debbie pulled me into their embrace, her hands running through my hair as mumbled into Brian's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," I sighed, silent tears spilling over my bottom lids as their pain filled the small space between us. "I wasn't trying to upset you."

Brian chuckled darkly and pulled back from the embrace, his eyes shadowed with the pain my words had caused.

"You lived through that, and you're sorry for upsetting us?"

"I know it's not exactly pretty."

"You're seventeen, Bella, most forty year old people haven't been through half of what you've been through. You've experienced a lifetime of pain and fear in two years, all because your dad never thought it could happen to him, all because a fucked up system wouldn't let you stay with the only family you've ever known," Debbie cried, sniffling throughout. "Yet, you're the one apologizing to us."

"I'm alive, I survived. I didn't tell you this to make you suffer my pain. You know me well enough to know when I'm lying, and I respect you too much to lie to you anyway. I just have to go on living. Believe me, I have blamed my dad, but it wasn't his fault, it wasn't anyone's fault. Life isn't easy; we're all dealt a hand to make us stronger."

I couldn't stop the tears from sliding down my cheeks as I put every ounce of passion into the words. It was true, every word of it. The saying what doesn't kill us makes us stronger really was a motto I had to learn to live by, because nothing was ever free, nothing worth fighting for anyway.

"I think it's enough for tonight," Brian said, his lips brushing the top of Debbie's head as his sad eyes apologized for something they had no control over. "Bella, try and get some sleep sweetheart, we can talk more tomorrow."

I wanted to fight it, knowing that the two of them would discuss this until it was picked apart completely and they would blame themselves. I couldn't have them do that, because I knew that this was temporary, Brian couldn't have me staying here for four months, because if I was discovered, he would lose his job and I wouldn't have that on my conscience. Yet, Debbie would fight him on it; I knew that almost as well as I knew my own name.

After hearing my story, it would push her to fight to keep me here, and I didn't want to put that on Brian.

I agreed and kissed them both goodnight before heading towards the stairs.

I got halfway up before I heard their hushed voices. It was already starting.

"Brian, I will not have that girl back in that place, neither will I have her on the streets, do I make myself clear?"

"You think I want her to be in that situation, Debs? You think I want to see her beat within an inch of her life in a hell hole, while we sit on our asses twiddling our goddamn thumbs? If we have to hide her here we'll do it. I won't have her risk her life anymore."

I heard Debbie's muffled sobs.

"God, I just keep thinking about what happened to her yesterday, what could have happened to her, Jesus, Brian, she's just a kid," Debbie cried, her voice becoming even more muffled as Brian pulled her into an embrace. "Two years, Bri. She's been stuck in a living nightmare for two fucking years."

"We just have to keep her here, if she's discovered I could be fired, but I refuse to let her live like that, Deb, I can't do it!"

I'd heard enough.

They were willing to get themselves in trouble to protect me, but I couldn't let them do that, I couldn't let them suffer. I could look after myself, I had been for two years. This would hurt them, but I hoped they knew I was doing it to protect them.

I had to wait until they were asleep, they would never let me leave otherwise. They had sounded so decided on what they were going to do, so I knew this was my only choice. I had never intended for them to risk their only income for me, and I wouldn't let them do it.

I decided to head up the stairs silently and wait for the house to darken completely before saying a silent goodbye. I knew they would check on me, so I had to fake sleep, I just had to keep myself awake, even after the exhaustion of the emotional roller coaster I had just dismounted.

I knew they would be upset with me, but I also knew it was for the best.

* * *

**A/N: I apologize profusely! It's not the greatest chapter in the world, and if I'd have thought about it sooner I could have reworked it a little. My beta already stated she wants to nail the girls feet to the floor. I know she's flighty, but I need her to be. I hope it's explained in her next chapter, the next chapter will be from Jasper though! He needs to explain his thinking and why she was able to get so far away!**

**I want to thank my beta, Cravingtwilight, for managing to beta even with her rigorous work schedule! You rock chick :)**

**Miztrezboo and bendingmirrors for holding my hands, not only for this, but for the hand holding for everything else, and letting me talk myself out of a hole when I got frustrated lol. Miztrezboo's story, Where The Road Meets The Sun is phenomenal and if you haven't read it you're all mad lol. Bendingmirrors story came in joint fourth for the Lyrical melodrama contest, and I wanted to congratulate her for an amazing fic! Her next project is going to be all sorts of amazing too :)**

**Thank you to all of the girls on the forum for being amazing! You all help keep me smiling and you're all awesome :) Which reminds me, Catmasters and Hev99 are both writing amazing stories!!  
**

**To all of you who review, thank you! You make me smile and think, and your thoughtfulness is astounding, as is your passion. You all mean so much to me and I wish there was a better way to thank you than the sneak peeks, but it's all I have lol. I love you guys :)**

**Sorry for the mammoth A/N!  
**

**Much love and big hugz ~Weezy~**


	35. I Can Never Walk Away

_**All things Twilight belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer. Happy TGUT Tuesday!!**_

_**

* * *

**_**I Can Never Walk Away**

_If heaven and hell decide _  
_That they both are satisfied _  
_Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs _  
_If there's no one beside you _  
_When your soul embarks _  
_Then I'll follow you into the dark _  
**_I'll Follow You into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie_**

* * *

**JASPER POV**

I marched towards my house with fire in my steps. My anger pushing me forwards. I was too fucking late, she had chosen him and he had fucked her over, as well as maybe simply fucking her.

I am a sick masochistic fuck!

I pushed myself to run towards my house, ignoring the fact that my fucking car was at the park. I would go back for it later, all I wanted to do right now was be alone, I couldn't look at the fucker while he and his ex stood there crushing my girls dreams.

My girl.

She would always be my fucking girl.

What she hadn't heard was the reverence in Edward's voice as Kate approached him. The only way I could describe it, was the way I knew I felt and talked about Bella. It sickened me that he was so flippant towards the girl sitting on the bench, and yet, I still didn't have the heart to destroy her dreams and tell her what he'd said.

She'd made her decision, and he'd broken her heart, typical fucking Edward Masen.

But, had she said she'd chosen him?

No! She hadn't. She said she'd made a decision and it wasn't me. What if it wasn't him either?

I gripped at my hair at my own stupid reasoning. What the fuck else did she mean? Frustration is a bitch when you've already hit rock bottom, but confusion is her fucking slut whore twin.

I pushed every door in the house out of my way as I made my way to my room. I hated this, I hated that I was finally able to tell her everything and she had still rejected me. It wasn't as though I had missed the pain in her eyes as she told me; she wasn't lying, I knew her too well, she knew I would see through a lie.

I fell face first onto my bed like a little bitch and just blocked everything out. It's the only thing I could do. I was driving myself crazy thinking about this, because I had no answers. I couldn't even call Alice because she had her own shit to deal with right now. She was going to be an aunt.

The moment the girl had walked down that field I knew who she was. Sure, Edward and I weren't bff's but I wasn't completely socially retarded around him, at least I hadn't been before he left, before he and Bella had . . . _something_. I had seen the pictures of Kate, heard the stories, laughed at Emmett's comments about him being whipped. In fact, Emmett had also been the one to tell me about the breakup.

I pushed my fist into the soft springy mattress as I realized I was still thinking too much. I had to let it go, cool off and regroup in the morning when my thoughts weren't so clouded with the pain that was eating away at me.

I tried to close my eyes and block out the gray filter of the dying light, there was a storm coming in, and with it would come the safety of the darkness. I was hoping that I wouldn't be conscious to welcome it.

I tried to empty my mind as I lay in the center of my bed in the silence. Willing the darkness to consume me, even with the empty void that was chipping away at the very center of myself. I was sounding more and more like a bitch the more I let my inner monologue continue.

I finally reached my goal of nothingness and was rewarded with the oppressive darkness of sleep. It was anything but restful, the thoughts I had been trying so hard to filter out seemed to haunt me in my dreams. Her face, her eyes and her pain seemed like a constant echo, it seemed to play in a constant loop looking for something I had missed in my pain and anger.

It was as though I was refusing to give up, and in a way, I knew it was exactly the case. I couldn't give up on her. I couldn't and wouldn't. My loving her _was_ enough.

With the realization came instant consciousness. I sat upright in my bed completely alert and responsive. The dream was still echoing in my head and my consciousness changed nothing at all. It wasn't just my subconscious mind speaking to me, it was every part of me.

I loved her enough to make a difference, I couldn't just give up on her.

I scrambled for my phone and discarded all of the missed calls, not even looking at the ones on the screen. I scrolled through the numbers until I found Alice's and hit send. I needed to make sure I wasn't doing the wrong thing, because I obviously couldn't rely on my own judgment anymore, if I'd listened to Alice to begin with, this wouldn't have been an issue.

"And the love birds finally awaken," she giggled into the phone. Her voice sounding song like.

"What?"

"What do you mean, what?"

"What the hell are you talking about, Alice?" I asked frustrated.

"It's after twelve, and you two are just getting up," she said, sounding a little more irritated now.

My head caught up before my mouth for once. Alice thought Bella was with me. This wasn't good. Something had gone fucking wrong and I had no idea where the hell Bella would go.

"Jazz?"

"Can I call you back, Al?"

"What's going on?"

"I'll call you back!"

Before she could answer I hung up the phone and hit the ground running. I threw on some clothes and headed towards the door as quickly as I could.

"FUCK!" My car was still at the fucking park. I made sure to pull the keys from my old jeans and took off as quickly as I could.

My feet hit the ground, pounding against the asphalt and then bracken as I tried with everything I was to figure out where the hell she was. My mind went over everywhere we had been in this small town. I knew she'd been to Port Angeles with Edward, maybe she'd gone there.

First, I had to check Rosalie's, because there was a chance she would have gone there after the blow from Edward and I in one day. I sure as shit picked the wrong fucking time to talk to her, but I refused to let her walk away again. Fat lot of fucking good that did me.

I slammed against my car as my phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out with a hope that it could be Bella calling from wherever the hell she was. I saw Carlisle's name flash across the screen.

FUCK!

"Hey Carlisle, I can't talk."

"Hello to you too, Jasper."

"I'm sorry, there's just something I need to do."

"I just wanted to call and let you know that our lawyer doesn't seem to think there will be a problem with us gaining guardianship of Bella. I just wondered whether you'd spoken with her yet?"

The news was fucking bittersweet. Of course I was happy that Carlisle and Esme were going to be able to do this amazing thing for Bella, I just had to find her first, and there was still a chance she'd made a run for it back to Seattle, and that just fucking terrified me.

"Um, I haven't yet."

"Jasper, what aren't you telling me?" Carlisle asked, the all knowing tone to his voice. He could call me out at the drop of a hat, something neither of my parents had the intuitiveness to do.

So lying to him was out, which left me nothing but the fucking truth. A truth I couldn't stand to think about, let alone say out fucking loud.

"She's gone missing. We had a tiny disagreement yesterday, I thought she'd gone back to the Masen's but Alice hasn't seen her."

"What happened?"

"Edward's girlfriend showed up, pregnant, Bella took it hard and left. I followed to make sure she was okay, but somehow only managed to make things worse."

"Jasper, what did I say to you about this in my office not two days ago?" I heard Carlisle's voice move into the reprimanding parent tone and I instinctively shrank away from it. "Didn't you listen to a word I said to you? I knew I should have just spoken to her then and there. Do you realize what you've done? What you've been doing?"

"I . . ."

"No, let me finish. Jasper, whether you choose to ignore it or not, the girl is seventeen, she's been living on the streets for two years seeing things most of us couldn't conjure in our worst attempt at an imagination. Did you even stop to think about what this has been doing to her mentally? She may be stable, she may seem perfectly normal, but all she's doing is going through the motions, acting in a way she thinks is appropriate. The girl hasn't had the chance to mourn because of everything that's piled on top of her layer after layer. I doubt she's had an opportunity to be herself since you brought her here."

"That's not fair . . ."

"Jasper, I know you all had the best intentions when it came to Bella, and it's noble that each and every one of you have bent over backwards to help her, but you're all kids. None of you have any idea how to deal with her problems, because none of you have had a problem anywhere close to hers. Put yourself in her shoes. I tried, and I couldn't. She's hurting, and her scars run deeper than the surface wounds you see. She was ripped from everything she's ever known and put in a cold sterile place where the first people she met tried to kill her, but not before they made a sport out of trying to break her."

Carlisle took a frustrated breath and I could just see him sat behind his desk, his fingers tracing the grain of his cherry stained desk as he collected his thoughts.

"I'm not saying she's mentally unstable, or psychotic. What I'm trying to tell you is that the girl is scared, and lost, she's dealt with so much and had no one to really be there to shoulder the burden with her. She would never dream of doing that to any of you, because whether you realize it or not there is pressure there. She wants to be everything each of you see in her, and slowly she's losing herself in the process. The girl you brought to me back in November was strong and confident, she was bold and brash refusing to be anything but who she was. The girl I spoke to on Friday, was scared and alone, confused and unsure. You and your friends were never qualified to help her. You gave her food and shelter, but you also unknowingly pushed her into fitting in with you."

I'd never once thought about that in those terms. Not once thought about how an adult could help her more than we ever could. All we had done was confused her. Scared the girl away when she couldn't shape and bend herself into being what she thought we wanted. None of us had stepped back to see what the differences and circumstances were doing to her.

I was the most selfish of them all for not trusting her in the beginning. Not treating her like the person I knew she was, the forgiving, mature girl that had more wisdom in the way she viewed things than anyone I had ever known. I hadn't given her the chance to forgive me because I compartmentalized her with every other girl her age when she was so much more.

"Jasper, I know I sound harsh, but Bella needs to get this out of her system in order to move on with her life. She should be talking to professionals that can help her move along, whom she can tell what really happened without the fear of being judged. Try and find her, I think you're the only one who can. Esme and I are here if you need us for anything, I want to be out there with you, but I don't have her trust yet, and the last thing we need is for her to run further."

"You're right, Carlisle, all of it. Just sit tight, I'll find her and talk to her. I have made a mess of things but they're mistakes I intend to fix. Thank you."

"Just find her! If you haven't called me by tomorrow morning, I'm calling the police, I can't and won't  
have her on the streets again!"

"I'll keep you updated. Thanks again."

I slapped the phone shut and took a deep fucking breath. That was the most intense conversation I'd ever had with my uncle, and I was taking it to heart. If I looked closely, if I really thought about the last couple of months I could see the changes. They were so slow, spread out over time, but they were there. The girl who fought us to go to Seattle on a broken leg, now gave up and disappeared without a fight.

No matter what she wanted I would give to her now, I just needed to know she was safe.

I unlocked my car and shook off the excess rain that had embedded itself in my hair. I needed to think. I needed to know where she would go. It was only a slim chance she was still in Forks, but I hoped that she wasn't fucking stupid enough to hitch.

I put the key in the engine trying to avoid the myriad of scenes that were playing out in my head. None of them were pleasant. The strongest, was the memory of how weak and helpless she was in that alley the first night I met her.

My determination seemed to overshadow the panic now. My mind filled with a perfect clarity of what I needed to do. My goal was to find her; that was the only thing I could do for her, especially after everything I had put her through these past few months. After that I would take one day at a time, but I would never again push her.

I pulled out of the spot, the mud making my wheels spin a little from being sat in the dirt all night, and drove to the first place on my list. Rosalie's.

The ten minute drive felt like a lifetime. Carlisle's words seemed to echo in my head with the gentle hum of the engine. We'd done nothing to help Bella all of this time. All we'd managed to do was contort her until she was unrecognizable. Edward and I had been pulling on her for too long, we may as well have had an arm each and just pulled with everything we had until she broke completely.

All of us were selfish, and that was like a fucking slap in the face, because I never used to be like that, I used to be just like Bella. I came from a world where what brand of jeans you wore didn't mean a fucking thing, now I was blending in with everyone else, and it made me sick.

I slammed on the breaks outside of the Hale house, ignoring the reluctant scream of my tires on the damp gravel. Mrs. Hale would have my ass for leaving two lines in her freshly raked gravel, but like I gave a fuck, I wouldn't be here long enough for her to bitch.

I threw open the door and hit the ground running, stopping only to hammer on the front door. I couldn't believe I had slept so late. It was already almost two in the afternoon, and I had to make sure she wasn't in Forks before I took off for Seattle. I was running out of time and patience.

I hammered on the door again, growing impatient with waiting, my leg was tapping quickly on the ground as my hands looked for anything to do other than beat the door in front of me down. I didn't have time to stand around waiting, not today.

"This better be fucking good!" Emmett grumbled, pulling the door open. He was in just his jeans, with Rosalie in his too long t-shirt behind him.

"Jesus, Jasper. You scared the shit outta us, what the . . ."

"Not now, Rosalie, have either of you seen Bella?"

"No why?"

"She's gone," I said, the sound rolling off my tongue with my impatience.

"What do you mean, she's gone?" Rosalie asked, stepping up to the front door, her eyes wide with panic as what I was saying registered with her. I knew that she had formed a bond with Bella, much like the one Alice had.

"She didn't go back to the Masen's last night. Alice thought she was with me."

"Jazz, you don't think . . ."

"I don't know!"

"Have you told Alice?"

"She has to know. I blew her off, but she won't let this go on too long. I'll have to tell her eventually, I just needed to see if I can find Bella in or around Forks before I pull her out of the baby shower," I said with a little too much acid in my tone. It was too fucking obvious how much I resented Edward right now. I had to cool it.

"Jazz, she's gonna be pissed if you don't tell her soon. I know she's got shit to deal with, but Bella's important to her."

"I know, Rose, I just want to make sure that Bella's not here in town before I take off to Seattle."

"Where do you want us to check?"

"Anywhere you can think of. I'm heading to La Push first, after that I'm going to take a chance and head to Port Angeles, it's the biggest town close by, I'm hoping that maybe she was able to catch a ride and she's hiding out there."

"We'll ride down to Aberdeen, just in case she went in that direction, we'll stop in every town on the way."

"Thanks guys, I'm heading out, call me if you find her."

"We will, Jazz. Don't worry, I'm sure she's fine."

I nodded, I wanted to believe that but it was a slim fucking chance.

I got into my car and took off towards the highway and prayed that she would be in La Push with Leah or Sue.

~*~

By five-thirty, I knew I had to go to Alice. I had driven to La Push, Jacob hadn't seen her and neither had the Clearwater's or anyone else for that matter. I think I had asked everyone I had seen while I was there, just hoping maybe she'd made a friend I hadn't known about.

When it was abundantly fucking clear she wasn't there, I drove to Port Angeles. I drove around for quite a while hitting almost every street, dead end and alley I could find, but there was still nothing, I even went as far to drive halfway to Sequim before giving up.

Rosalie and Emmett, had called from Aberdeen and there was nothing there either. They'd stopped at every small town along the way, asking people if they'd seen her. Rosalie had a picture of the three of them she was showing around, where as I had taken nothing.

I knew Bella wouldn't be visible to these people, she knew how to hide from the eyes of people, how to blend in with the scenery. I had asked them to look in places people wouldn't usually go. After they'd driven even further to Elma, hoping that she would be somewhere around, but Bella was nowhere, which meant only one thing, and it was the one thing I didn't want to think about.

I didn't bother calling Alice, because I knew she would kick my ass for not coming to her sooner, and I half expected her to be at my house when I got there and I wasn't wrong. She was stood leaning against her Yukon, eyes narrowed, arms crossed over her chest. I was in deep shit. So I pulled up to the garage and got out, preparing myself for the shit storm that was about to hit. After ignoring her calls all day, I knew I would have to allow her to bitch my ass out before I could get a word in sideways.

I deserved every thing I got too, my denial had cost me hours and now I wouldn't get to Seattle until at least ten tonight. I didn't even know where to start looking. I didn't think she would go to the bridge now that its residents were at the Swan Bridge of Hope. I knew she wouldn't go there either, that would be too fucking easy; we just had to look everywhere we could.

"Why the fuck have you been avoiding my calls Jasper Whitlock?"

"Alice, I . . ."

"No, you have been avoiding me since I called this morning. I'm you're best friend and I don't appreciate . . ." A frown appeared, etching a deeper line in her already creased forehead. "Where's Bella?"

"I don't know, Al. I've been looking for her all day, Rose and Em are in Aberdeen looking, but there's nothing, I didn't want to freak you out but . . ."

"She wouldn't . . ."

"Alice, she's gone, I'm heading down to . . . Where are you going?"

Alice marched to the door of her Yukon, but turned and glared at me before opening the door.

"You," she seethed pointing at me. "Get in, no arguments. This is ridiculous."

I ran to the passenger side of the Yukon and climbed in, knowing better than to argue with her when she was like this. Without a word, she threw the truck into drive and took off down the drive with purpose. I wanted to ask where we were going and what we were going to do, but something told me my questions wouldn't be received well at the moment.

It wasn't until she turned into the driveway of her house that I fucking reacted.

"Shit no, Alice don't you fucking dare."

"Excuse me, Jasper? Don't you think the more eyes the easier it will be to find her?"

"He's got his own shit to deal with, do we really need to involve him? If I don't find Bella soon, Carlisle will report her missing, which will cause a whole new clusterfuck, so if you don't fucking mind I would rather just get on the road."

"Shut the fuck up, Jasper. You and your stupid decisions are just as responsible as Edward and his fucked up problems. What's important now is BELLA!"

I'd never heard Alice shout the way she just had. I knew the situation was just getting to the both of us, but it didn't change the desperate need to get to Seattle.

"If you insist on bringing him, hurry the fuck up! The longer we leave it the . . . just go get him."

Alice was back with Edward in a second, Kate followed him to the door and watched as he climbed into the back of the Yukon to help us find his current girlfriend. This shit situation would have been hilarious had it not been so fucking dire. The longer we sat there, the more impatient I was becoming. I was starting to wish I'd taken my own car.

"Ferry?" Alice asked, her voice tight.

"Yes. It's the quickest way, and Ali . . ."

"What?"

"Thank you."

Her steely eyes and rigid posture relaxed as she turned to look at me, there were tears pooling in her eyes as her face softened again.

"We'll find her, Jazzy."

I nodded, it was the only thing I could offer right now.

Regrettably the douche in the back seat was the one to break the silence.

"Do we even have a plan?"

"Fuck you, Masen, we just need to find her."

"Obviously, asshole. That's not what I meant! You know I am just as worried as you are."

"Oh really? When did you notice she was gone, Masen?"

"I thought she was with you, _Whitlock_."

"That's fucked up! She's your girlfriend, you piece of shit. It didn't even occur to you how much this would hurt her, did it?"

"Stop it! This is doing nothing but making this the most uncomfortable drive ever. Both of you stop it; we need to think where she could be."

"We could check the parking garage, the bridge, I doubt she would go to the Bridge of Hope. There was a park she used to go to a lot, and there was somewhere close to her dad's house she would go as well."

"What about her dad's friend?"

"Brian?"

"Yeah, do you think she would call him?"

"It's worth a try . . ."

I pulled out my phone and started dialing information, hoping that someone would be able to answer questions and give me the closest thing to hope that I had since Friday.

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**A/N: I love writing Jasper, he's so much fun even when he's all freaked out and on the go lol. I hope what Carisle said made sense about some of Bella's issues. I know a lot of you are annoyed with her, but she's doing the only thing she knows how to do. Trust Carlisle, he's a Doctor! *giggle***

**Thank you to my beta who works close to 80 hours a week and still manages to look this over!! Cravingtwilight you rock!!!  
**

**Thank you to Miztrezboo and bendingmirrors as always for putting out the fire when I freaked out! Both are amazingly talented. Their fics are among my faves and I'm lucky to have them as my hand holders!!**

**Thanks to Hev99 for being part of the brutally honest squad lol, I made her a badge and everything ;) Her fic Empty is amazing too.**

**The forum girls rock!! You guys are just amazing and you always make me smile :)**

**All of you who review are so amazing to me and I am so honored that you have stuck with me through all of the angst and drama, no matter how crazy the characters get in their bad decisions lol. Each and every one of you mean so much to me, and I give you all a collective hug!! Thank you I love you all :)**

**Till next week**

**Much love ~ big hugz ~ Weezy.**


	36. Shrouding Cloak of Despair

**_All things Twilight belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer. Happy TGUT Tuesday!!!_**

**_

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_Shrouding Cloak of Despair**

_Everyone I thought I count on, has let me die. _  
_Everyone I thought I could lean on, Has made me cry. _  
_Every time I close my eyes there's nothing there. _  
_Feeling empty is all I have left, There's nothing else to bare. _  
_And I realize, that I've lost my mind. _  
_And I realize, that I am the lie. _  
_It's over, my time to shine. _  
_I'm already dead, so why can't I die._  
**_I Realize - Megan McCauley_**

**_

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_**The house was completely silent as I lay awake in the bed. Thankfully, Brian and Debbie didn't stay up too much longer and my tattered emotional state didn't push me to the brink of sleep. Instead, it did the opposite.

The thoughts and emotions I had dragged from the back of my mind refused to be caged again and turned into a swirling vortex in my mind. Images and memories seemed to pound around in my head angrily at being locked away for so long, discarded and hidden from view. Now, they were back with a vengeance.

I looked over at the clock and noted the time, it was eleven. I knew that even with the tumult of pain careening throughout me, I had to leave now, before it was too late. I really couldn't have Brian breaking his oath to keep me safe. He and Debbie would do anything to protect me, and I loved them for it, but I couldn't ask them to risk everything just for me. I had to be selfless for once in my life, I had to do the right thing and walk away before I became a burden to them.

I crawled out of bed, still fully dressed, and pulled on my shoes. I left the lights off, not wanting to tempt fate, and moved to the door with light steps. Thankfully, I knew every creaking stair in this house and would make it down the stairs soundlessly.

My heart was in my throat as I descended the stairs, I didn't want to be caught and have to explain what I was doing and where I was going, I didn't want to see the look of disappointment again, the hurt, the pain I had caused them with my simple life story. Leaving would hurt them, but staying would be so much worse.

I slipped into the kitchen, turning on the small light over the stove that glowed a dull orange casting very little light in the large open room. Knowing this house so well, I knew exactly where to find the paper and pen I needed to sketch out the note to them. My hand shook as I put the pen to paper, and although my writing wasn't neat it was legible.

_I'm sorry, I know you didn't want me to leave, especially without a goodbye, but it's the only way. _

_The two of you have been in my thoughts constantly and will continue to be. I will call you soon I promise. I just can't let you risk everything you have for me. I'm not worth it._

_I love you all so very much. Kiss Marie and Charlie for me. _

_B_

I put it by the coffee pot, knowing that's where either of them would go when they woke up.

I hated sneaking around like this, I hated that this would make Debbie cry and make Brian feel as though he'd failed Charlie. This wasn't how I wanted to leave this time. A lot had happened in the twenty-four hours I'd been here, but there was something more profound to come out of all of this, something I would always be thankful to them for. I had forgiven my dad.

I don't know when it happened or how it had happened, I can't even pinpoint the moment it came about, but amidst the emotional warfare in my body, I had come to realize that none of this was Dad's fault. He'd never wanted to leave me alone; he'd only ever wanted the best for me. I knew, on some level, he would be upset with himself for what had happened to me, and that crushed me, I was the only one who made these decisions, I was the one that had taken the less tread path.

Spending time with people fused into our lives as a family, I had realized just how happy I had been with my life. Just how much my dad had meant to me. All of the nights I stayed up waiting for him when he worked a later shift. When he came home he would reprimand me for waiting for him, but I had never missed the shining pride in his eyes that would contradict the words. My dad had loved me, and I realized I should be proud of him, not angry with him.

He'd given his life to save a man with a wife and three children.

I wiped away the tears I hadn't realized I'd shed and made my way to the front of the house. Thankfully, I wouldn't have to leave the door unlocked, the windows had latches that would lock when I closed them, which would leave the family in safety as I fled into the night.

I pulled open the window and stepped out into the cool night air, saying one last silent goodbye to the family sleeping inside before I pushed the window down to close it. The latches finding purchase in their brackets sounded like a gunshot in the silence of the night, but I knew it wouldn't disturb anybody. I pressed my palm against the glass trying to absorb all the love and warmth that I associated with the house.

I drew in a breath, pulling my strength against my heart to stop it from shattering for the fourth or fifth time in so many days and stepped away. All the emotions I had been holding in swirled around in my head the further I walked from the house. It wasn't until I was outside of my dad's house, that was just down the street from Debbie and Brian's, that I started running. My feet hit the ground with a steady beat, something I had never managed to do before.

I didn't really know where I was going, the city was huge and I just let my two left feet lead the way, pushing me further and further as my lungs burned with the drawing of air. I didn't particularly like running, but the pain and dexterity that I had found tonight pushed me onwards. My eyes were trained on the distant space needle that penetrated the blanket of blackness, the shimmering lights seemingly drawing me in as I moved.

I didn't want to stop, but when gravity decided to take back the borrowed grace, fate stepped in and stuck out its foot, leaving me on my scraped knees on the asphalt. My body was damp with sweat from my over exertion, it mingled with the tears that had been a constant stream since I started. I was choosing to ignore what thinking would bring so I pushed myself to my feet and started again.

I didn't know how long I was moving, how long I had been attempting to reach the distant marker that held my eyes, but the sobs broke through with the steady stream of tears as it became larger, and the buildings around me began stretching upward. My chest heaved with the gulps of air I was taking in, aches sprang in my sides as my calves burned with the constant pushing. I had pushed through the pain as I ran but my body was slowly arguing with me.

My stomach churned angrily as I slowed to a walk. I knew I had pushed myself too far. I had never run like that in my life, and my limbs were beginning their slow revolt.

I was getting closer to the one place I had never wanted to see again, there would be nothing there, no one I knew would be lingering considering the grace of my friend, but I needed to see for myself. It was like an echo of the past was pushing me to go there one last time to see what I had lived through, what I could conquer.

It was a stupid notion, one I hadn't really thought through at all, as I walked the path I had done so many times before. I knew where I was going now; my feet led the way as my limp body fought for air. I attempted to push back the memories of two years of living on these streets. Buildings were like ghosts of the past as they loomed over me, prodding the weak walls I had been using to block the thoughts I knew I had to deal with at some point. Now wasn't the time to let the emotions go. There may never be a right time out here.

The glistening light on the sound was like a beacon in the darkness of night and it made my body tighten with a rigidity that made my muscles ache. The familiarity of the area just continued to grow around me drawing me towards the place I had called home. The place that was now void of the one solace I had.

I tried to keep myself together when I reached the cusp of the embankment. It terrified me; the grass was attempting to penetrate the well worn path as is declined into the warped shadow of the bridge above. There was silence emanating from the space, not even the slight glow of a fire could be seen in the darkness. For the first time in my life, I was afraid of the dark.

My foot sat at the edge of the concrete, the toe of my shoe dancing along the blades of grass that bordered it. I was mentally pushing myself forwards, but my body stood frozen at the edge, afraid to step over the invisible line that would take me down to the path I knew was at the bottom.

I had to push myself harder than I ever had to do it, my breathing was erratic and strained as I lifted my foot from its place on the concrete and passed it over the threshold to the grass. The darkened dirt below it awaited my tread, mocking me as I had to force my foot down onto it.

The first step was the hardest, but it didn't make the second any easier, or the third.

Before long, the decline played it's part and propelled me downwards into the inky blackness of the shadows. The looming concrete structure blocked the few stars visible through the threatening clouds that hung low in the air. It was always a tell tale sign of a storm when you couldn't see the dark outline of Mount Rainier from the city.

Here, I couldn't see a thing. It made the fear grip me, squeezing tightly against my lungs as I continued to push my feet forwards. It wouldn't be long until I would be cast in the complete darkness of the bridge, and it terrified me.

I didn't make it much further though. A small burning orb glowed brightly in the darkness, accompanied by a small flame that illuminated two faces in the darkness. My initial conclusion confirmed. The addicts had taken over the space as their own, and I didn't want to mingle with these people. I couldn't risk that, when they weren't in their right minds they were even more provocative and lewd. I couldn't put myself in that situation again.

I backed away slowly, my eyes trained on the small red orb, hoping it didn't follow me in the darkness. The last thing I needed was to get into more trouble after leaving Brian's house. I couldn't afford to be careless anymore.

As soon as I reached the path I ascended and made my way forwards. My heart finally slowed when I was two blocks away from the bridge. I had been prepared to see them down there. I had known that they would use the space as soon as the others moved out. What I hadn't been prepared for was the fear that had almost overwhelmed me, the crushing weight of finality. That part of my life was over, there was nothing left there for me.

I was tempted to go to the parking garage, but even that held memories I didn't want to face right now. No longer was it simply the place of solace I spent the earlier days of my homelessness, now it was where I met Jasper, and I knew that going there would only bring the pain I had seen in his eyes to the forefront of my mind.

I hated this indecision that was forcing my legs forwards. I had nowhere to go and I was wandering aimlessly around the streets of Seattle. I was being careless again. It would only take one look at me by a cop to know I was underage and shouldn't be wandering the streets at whatever time it happened to be.

I moved into the shadows of the buildings, forcing myself to remember Julia's words as I walked. I still didn't know where I was going but I kept moving regardless. Almost as though I were waiting for some bright idea to pop into my head. There was nothing, there was nowhere.

My eyes were on my feet as I walked now. My limbs were aching with the exertion from my earlier run. The muscles in my calves tightened painfully as I continued to walk. What was I doing? What did I think was going to happen? Everything had changed so much since I was last here.

My eyes flickered upwards when a feeling of unease passed through me. I had no idea where I was, but the slight familiarity of the street had my mind reeling. I tried to place the memory, I tried to find the time and place I had been here before.

It wasn't until the sign that I realized where I was, where my subconscious had brought me in the dead of night. I approached the gates slowly, I knew what I was here to do, I knew why I'd come here.

Knowing the gates were locked, I made my way over the fence and into the hallowed darkness that seemed to shroud this place. It was eerily silent; the only sounds were from the wind-chimes that hung in the trees above. They were markers of loves lost, a living ode to the body that lay beneath the ground.

The headstones cast tall shadows across the manicured grass, relics left by the people who remembered those who had passed littered the ground. I knew it had been too long since I'd been here, but I knew exactly where he was. I knew where I would find him.

My eyes adjusted to the inky darkness as I made my way through the maze of headstones. My eyes flickered across the names as I passed. My heart beat against my ribs with fear and anticipation the further I ventured into the silent darkness.

Charles Swan.

My eyes danced over his name and dates that so simply stated his life, drinking in the carved letters as I noted the pristine condition of his grave. Flowers sat to the side, they hung between living and dying as they lay against the cold granite. I couldn't stop my breaths from coming in small labored pants as the panic and pain penetrated all of the defenses I had built, not only over the past couple of days, but over the past years. It was only then that I realized the date on the headstone. In two days, it would be two years exactly since he left me.

I felt the soft ground hit my knees before I was even aware I was falling. My body curled over itself pushing my hands into the cool grass that covered his body. I missed him so much.

I crawled upward, laying down and curling into a ball in front of his headstone. Tears rolled over my cheeks as my forehead hit my knees. The mantra in my head bubbled up through my chest, spilling over my lips into the cold night.

"Daddy, I miss you," I sobbed, as I laid my hand flat on the ground. I wished there was a way to know he could hear me. "I'm so sorry I didn't come earlier."

I let the impending meltdown take control of me. I had needed somewhere safe to let everything overflow, I had needed the safety of my dad to release the turmoil that bubbled inside of me. Two years worth of tears seemed to flow from me as I lay huddled by the only reminder of his life.

I had one hand clutched to my heart as the other stayed in its spot on the grass. The pain seemed to flow through me cracking the small fissures that had been lying in wait for years. Everything poured out of me, my tears dropping onto the ground.

I cried into the night, cried so hard I fought for breath. My whole frame shook violently around me as my tear laden face slid down to the cool ground below me. My tears ran lines down my face, falling from my nose and temple into the ground. Images of places and events started running through my mind and I let them. They forced the tears out with more force as I let them play out. Jasper's face was the last thing I saw, it was the one thing that pushed me over the edge, cutting the last strand from holding me together and pushing me into the oblivion of pain I had been holding in for too long now.

I was laying my burden down; passing the grief and heartbreak to the one person that would have held me and let me lose my sanity for a while. My dad was letting me pour out my soul silently. The silent rage I had been carrying for years dissipated slowly.

"I've missed you, dad. You can't imagine how much. I blamed you for so long, blamed you for everything that went wrong in my life," I said, my body shifting so I was laid on my stomach, my cheek flat to the ground. "I realized it's not your fault though, I was so angry at you for leaving me alone, I couldn't see past that, I could only see how much that hurt. Everything went so wrong once you left, I couldn't see that it was my decisions that brought me to those points, it was my mistakes that made the wrongs happen."

My fingers toyed with the grass slowly, the green blades danced through my fingers, tickling my palms. It calmed me, it reminded me of when he was alive, anytime I had a problem, or I was too angry to talk to him, he would tell me to write the problem on his palm with my fingers.

I used to sit on the couch, his huge hand in mine as I wrote everything that had bothered me. When I was done, he would scrunch up his palm, shake it a couple times, then hold it out and tell me to blow it all away. Even when I was old enough to not believe it would really work, it still made me feel better.

"Do you remember that, Daddy? You always knew how to make me feel better. Now, I just feel lost. I don't blame you anymore though. I never should have to begin with. I should have been proud of you for saving a life, he had a wife and three children and you saved him from leaving them alone. You always knew I would be okay didn't you? Even when I haven't made the right decisions, you knew I would right them, that I would survive anything. You've always been with me, I just never let you through, I never wanted to admit that I needed you so much, admitting it meant I was weak, that I had to deal with being alone."

The tears started again, sliding down my cheeks slowly, thickening my chest and making it heavier than it ever had been before. This is why I was here, this is why I had subconsciously come to the one place I had avoided since he'd died. Just over two years and I was finally letting myself feel the pain I had pushed away. I was finally seeing my mistakes.

I let myself think of everything I had suppressed over the years. Everything that had happened after Charlie had died could have been avoided, everything could have been avoided if my mother hadn't been so selfish. She was the reason I was sent to the home, she was the reason I had to live on the streets, she was the reason I was alone.

All this time I had blamed my father, and it had never been his fault. I had been so wrong all of this time. He knew it could happen to him, he knew there was a chance he could die, but he always believed Renee was a better person. He thought she would come for me if something should happen. I couldn't fault him for believing that. Yet I could blame her for not being the person he thought she was.

Sure, I had made the decisions I made, and they were all of my own mistakes, but she could have been there. I was her daughter and she didn't care whether I lived or died. She never lived up to his adoration. She was selfish, and seeing this made me see exactly where I had gone wrong. I had too much of _her_ in me.

"She never came back, Dad. You never knew she wouldn't though, didn't you? You didn't know she wouldn't care enough to come for me. You loved her and believed in her, even after she left us, you loved her. I never understood how you could before now, but I fell in love too, and now I know why, I know why you never let her go, I know why you couldn't. I'm sorry I never understood, I'm sorry I hate her so much. She was never good enough for you. Just like I'm not good enough for Jasper. I'm not good enough for anything, I have too much of her in me. I run away from everything, I did the same thing she did to you and I want to take it back," I cried, my voice breaking as the sobs overwhelmed me again, pulling me under so much further, I felt as though I were drowning.

I couldn't do this alone, but I didn't know how to ask for help. I wished Jasper was here, I wished to have his arms around me and hold me, to tell me everything would be alright. In this moment I wanted to tell how wrong I'd been, how it had always been him, that he was the one I wanted.

"I have to go back and make this right, Dad. I have to, I can't walk away without him knowing how I feel. I love him with everything I am. Help me, daddy, I don't know what to do anymore."

I didn't want to be like Renee, and I wouldn't, I wouldn't run away anymore, no matter how hard things became. I was better than that, I had Charlie Swan's blood running through my veins. I had the ability to love for an eternity, I had the ability to believe in the things I did, with one hundred percent commitment. I believed in Jasper, I believed in my love for him. I couldn't run away anymore and leave him to suffer in my wake.

I had believed he would move on, because I had forgotten the love my father had given, what he was capable of, I'd forgotten everything I'd learned from him growing up because I was too angry to think about him.

I wasn't angry anymore, I was broken. The only thing now was that I refused to be. I would get up off my knees and I would find my way back to Forks, even if I had to go to Brian. I needed to tell Jasper the truth because he deserved that from me.

"Thank you dad," I whispered, laying my forehead on the ground.

Guilt hit hard, I had still managed to be so selfish, I had still blamed him all of this time. My dad, the man that had given me everything I had ever wanted, loved me unconditionally. He'd had so much faith in me and my mother, and the first thing I had done was blame him for everything that had gone wrong.

I was a carbon copy of the woman who had abandoned us, and I refused to be that person.

I let the tears take control of me again. Tonight they would drag me under, they would have their way with me and I would suffer in silence, but tomorrow I would finally fight for what I believed in.

I refused to be my mothers daughter.

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**A/N: Not one of you guessed that she would head in that direction lol. I almost ruined it in a couple review replies by telling you that this time she was running to something rather than away. Not my most coherent moment, but I think I caught myself lol.**

**Thank you to my beta, cravingtwilight, whose mad grammar skills save me every week, and she works close to 80 hours a week. She's like Super Woman or something!**

**Miztrezboo and Bendingmirrors, I love you gals, you're always there to hold my hand and you have no clue how much that helps me! Both of their writing abilities amaze me and I love their stories!! If you're interested I believe they are on my profile *grin***

**The Forum girls rock my socks and make me smile every day, and Hev99 I love you more!! bahahaha!**

**Thank you so much to each of the reviewers! All of you are so amazing and I love how passionate you are about the characters. Each and everyone of you has helped me more than you would know and if you only knew how grateful I am that this story has so much love, and it's all thanks to you guys. I love you all!!!**

**Much love and big hugz ~ Weezy~**


	37. The Light in the Darkness

_**All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer. Happy TGUT Tuesday everyone, and if I don't talk to you before . . . HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!**_

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**_**The Light in the Darkness**

_I grieve for you_  
_You leave me_  
_so hard to move on_  
_Still loving whats gone_  
_They say life carries on_  
_Carries on and on and on and on_  
**_I Grieve - Peter Gabriel_**

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_**At some point during the tumult of tears, I had been dragged into oblivion with the darkness. The emotional breakdown I had known was coming had taken a hold of me more violently after my epiphany. I was aware of the cold droplets of rain falling on me now, but my stiff and aching body refused to move.

I was frozen in place, my arms and body, contorted around my legs as I lay above my dad. Even with the emotional breakdown, and the confusion of all of these years, I had woken up knowing exactly where I was. It was as though he'd been watching over me as I slept. I was so close to him I could almost feel the ease he'd always brought me.

Even in this state, in this place, he comforted me, and somewhere along the way I had lost sight of that. I could let it defeat me, or I could stick to the plan and choose to live, I could choose to find the only other person in the world that ever made me feel this safe. I could go back to Jasper and let him know exactly what I wanted, exactly how I felt.

My stiff body screamed as I tried to even myself out, and I gave up as my limbs refused to acquiesce to my request. It took entirely too much effort to even move my toes right now. My eyes were still swollen and sore from the crying, I longed to rub them gently but I couldn't move my hands so I pushed it aside. I had let the emotions pour from me, I didn't fight it as it had swallowed me whole. I let it take me, I let it drag me under. Now I was ready to fight.

For a while, I had forgotten who I was and where I had come from. I had let myself become twisted into an unrecognizable shell of the person I had once known I was. Being here had reminded me just how much of my dad I had in me, and I wouldn't let that go again.

I let the silence and darkness swallow me as I shivered slightly in the cool weather that surrounded me. The cold had made the ache in my body worse, but it was less than I deserved right now.

I recycled my own body heat in my frozen state, and through the slight numbness and fatigue I still wasn't able to stretch my frame out as I was beginning to wish I could. Even when the rain started coming down a little harder and the sound reverberated around the silent graveyard, I didn't move at all. At least not until I heard a rustling behind the shrubbery bordering another row of headstones.

My heart picked up it's pace as I let myself think about where I was and what I was doing. I had broken into the cemetery, but that was the least of my problems right now. Something was here with me, moving around in the darkness.

I opened my eyes to see if I could see anything, my head didn't move, it wouldn't, but my eyes followed the glow of light in the other side of the hedgerow, the beam moved around quickly, hitting a wind-chime in the tree sending light bouncing around the darkened area.

I knew I should attempt to move, attempt to hide from whoever was here, but I couldn't find it in myself to do it. Even after I had made up my mind to try, my body was too tired to allow even the smallest of movements right now. I was tired, and I wasn't willing to leave the solace and safety of being this close to Dad to run. I hadn't said goodbye. I wouldn't leave him again without a proper goodbye, so I stayed where I was. An odd feeling of calm embracing me.

I could feel my apprehension at the slight conflict between the calm and self preservation building a light sheen of sweat on my forehead as the beam reached the end of the greenery. It ghosted along a row of granite before turning towards me.

I watched as it ran along the headstones, one by one, footsteps made a squelching sound in the wet grass as it moved along with the light, it grew closer and closer to me, and it would only be a matter of time before it hit me completely.

I moved my arms slowly, unsure that I had moved them at all, except for the fact that my head descended towards the grass, my ear pressing tightly to the ground.

"I love you, dad. I will never lose sight again, I promise," I whispered under my breath, my fingers curling around the blades of slick grass. "Goodbye for now."

The white light flooded my entire body, the beam made a red light below my eyelids as I blinked slowly. My fear pushed a shiver through my body as the sound of a gasp cut through the silence. It seemed as though the last of my mobility bled from my body in that one moment.

"Bella, honey?" Alice whispered quietly. I could hear her moving closer, but I couldn't react. I involuntarily stayed frozen to the spot, my body shaking as the familiarity of the voice made my mind swirl.

"Edward, she's not waking up."

My heart sank as quickly as it had fluttered to the surface. Why I had assumed Jasper would come looking for me after everything I had put him through, I didn't know. He was justified in not being here. I had broken him, much like Renee had broken Charlie, and I hated myself for it.

I felt warm arms wedge themselves under my knees and at my back, but I still couldn't force myself to move. My body was still frozen, curled into a ball of defeat. I wanted to call out in happiness at seeing Alice, I wanted to thank Edward for his concern, but I couldn't do it, I couldn't make myself move.

"I think she's in shock. You'd better call the others, tell them to meet us back at the car."

Was I in shock? Had I pushed myself too far too quickly?

I tried to tell my fingers to move, but they stayed frozen, locked in a ball. My fingernails stabbing into my palms. I assumed it should be painful, but I felt oddly numb, only the warmth of Edward's arms seemed to seep into my body, it was the only recognition I had that he was even holding me.

I could see everything, but couldn't will my eyes to move. I could only stare straight ahead, the top of Alice's head coming into view as she walked beside us. I was aware of the warmth that filled my cheek, but couldn't feel the chest below it.

I concentrated on my hands, once again willing them to move, but there was still nothing, still the same ball of tension they had been. I knew I was scaring Alice, but there was nothing I could do to change that, so I continued to focus on finding my movements again.

"We found her, we'll meet you back at the car . . ." Alice said into the phone, pausing for a reply. "I don't know."

Alice hung up the phone and sighed, her tiny hand must have picked up mine because the swimming warmth circulated around my fist and moved slowly up my arm. I tried to concentrate on the warmth and move my fingers in response, but nothing worked. I was still frozen.

"Edward, what do we do? It's like she's catatonic."

"I don't know, Al. Let's get her back to the car and warmed up, see if that changes anything."

I counted the footsteps he took towards the car, my eyes catching the beam of light as it sporadically cast shadows around us. Alice continually caught my eyes, her tiny arm waving in front of my face to see whether I would react, but I was incapable, I couldn't even manage to blink.

I really couldn't understand my body's reluctance to react, had I not just moved to say goodbye to Charlie? Had I imagined the movement? There was an unnerving calm that ran alongside the numbness, I wanted to panic, but couldn't seem to find the ability to do that either.

Was this how shock was? Was it being stuck in your own mind while your body revolted?

Whatever it was, I didn't like it at all. I wanted to hold my friends, I wanted to step out of Edward's arms and tell him the truth, tell him how happy I was for him that Kate was back for him, that she'd never stopped loving him, just as I had never once stopped loving Jasper. That I knew he'd never stopped loving her.

We'd done so many things the wrong way, but I never regretted one step of it. If I hadn't have made the mistake with Edward, I would have taken my feelings for Jasper for granted. Now, after all this time, after everything we'd been through, I knew if Jasper offered his love I would grip it with both hands and cherish it, I would never let it go. I would never run from him again without fighting for us.

I heard a car door opening in front of us, but still couldn't force my head to look around at it. Quite frankly, I was becoming frustrated with myself. I had so much to say and do, but my own body was holding me captive.

Heat encapsulated me as Edward shuffled into the back of the vehicle awkwardly; my contorted body still hadn't moved since he'd picked me up, and my curled frame was now being enveloped by his arms.

"Bella, say something, please, you're worrying me."

Edward's warm breath danced over my cool cheeks, his arms tightened around me sending more heat throughout my body. It was such a bizarre feeling the warmth rolling across my skin yet not feeling the source. I was also highly frustrated with my body, because I longed to answer him. For now, I had to make do; so I answered him in my mind, willing my lips to move, but they didn't.

"Alice, I think we need to take her to the hospital. She hasn't even blinked once."

"We'll take her to Carlisle, Edward. She trusts him."

"He's too far away, something needs to be done now," Edward said, concern lacing his tone.

I could hear footsteps pounding the concrete in the distance and wondered whether Jacob was panicked about Alice. I'm sure he hated being split up from her, and I briefly wonder why she was teamed with Edward. I tried to move my eyes towards the sound, but there was nothing, not even a twitch.

"Bella," Jasper said, his voice catching me off guard. I couldn't have been more exultant, and when he appeared in my line of sight, I almost expected my body to react. I could feel the same electricity flow through my body as his hands gripped my face tightly. His eyes were wide and full of panic as they swept over me in a three second assessment. I wanted to reach out and touch him, but my body had other ideas.

"What's the matter with her?" he asked. His eyes darting from mine to Edward, then to Alice.

"I don't know, I think she's in shock."

"From what?"

The silence was filled with sarcasm. I hated that there was still this rift between them, that they still found the need to be discourteous to one another.

"You know what I mean, Masen, is she hurt? Was there anyone around?"

"No, Jasper," Alice interjected, I could see her hand touching his arm in my line of sight. "She was curled up on her dad's grave, soaking wet and well, just like this. She hasn't moved or said a word since we found her."

I drank in Jasper's face as he looked me over again, there was so much concern and fear laced into the blue I knew so well. I wanted to reassure him, I wanted to reach out and run my fingers along his jaw and tell him everything I had just discovered. Silence hung in the air again as he stared into my unblinking eyes. In the quiet, I could sense someone else outside of the car, but couldn't see a thing.

"Let me see her."

My heart cracked a little as the new voice mingled with the faces surrounding me. I should have known they would go to him, that they would expect me to go to them. Brian's voice was as filled with concern as each of my friends, and it did nothing but stir a deep seeded guilt within me.

It was only seconds until I saw the face that matched the voice and the pain I had been suspecting was worse than I had imagined. Something shifted roughly in my body as I took in his tired eyes.

"We need to take her to the hospital. I know you think she'll be okay until you get to Forks, but I can't, in good conscience, let you go while she's like this."

My hands fell open at the words, my eyes then widened and blinked surprising myself as well as everyone else. My body seemed to react freeing me from my frozen state, I pushed myself to say what I needed to, and the words broke through my lips. "N n no hospitals, please."

Brian's arms wrapped me in a hug as he pulled me into his chest. A relieved chuckle falling from him as he gripped me tightly. I could do nothing but breathe in deep breaths as the relief swept over me.

"You always were the most stubborn creature I ever knew," he sighed, kissing the top of my head.

"I'm sorry, I just . . ." I wasn't sure how to finish that sentence, I wasn't even sure why my body had reacted the way it had.

"We all need to grieve sometimes, it just took you a little longer."

My arms wrapped themselves around Brian, my fingers clinging to his shirt as my tears spilled over again. I knew I hadn't grieved before because I was too angry. Tonight, I had said my goodbye and made my peace with my dad's death. Perhaps it was the grief that had stolen my ability to move, held me captive in my own mind, because I had let the pain take me so completely. I had let it eat me alive and my body had needed the time to move past it.

Whatever it was, I was glad it was over, I was at ease finally being able to think of my dad as he had been. The tears I shed now were for the loss of a great man, not my own selfish needs.

"Debbie is plenty upset about that stunt you pulled young lady. That note you left didn't help either. You can't keep running from things, we would have found a way to keep you there, Bella. Debbie wanted me to find Renee . . ."

"No! I will not have that woman in my life."

"I told her the same thing, calm down," He said, holding me against his chest, tighter than he had been. "I know how you feel about her. Debs just doesn't want to see you on the streets anymore. It seems your friends here have a solution. I'm reluctant to let you go with them though."

"Sir, we . . ."

"I know, Jasper," Brian said, reluctance and defeat in his tone. "If this doesn't work out I expect you to call me, do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," Jasper relied.

I looked at Jasper curiously, he was avoiding my eyes, and I could understand why. I was starting to think I had lost him altogether. I couldn't understand what had just passed between him and Brian though, and being held tightly against Brian's chest, I couldn't see his face to determine what was going on.

"I am trusting you with our Bella. I don't like it, and I would prefer to confirm everything before I let her go, but considering the hour, and the fact that she seems to trust you. I will wait until the morning. If you're lying to me, I will look you up in the system, do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, sir." All three of my friends replied.

"Bella, you call me if you need anything, no more of this bullshit. Debbie expects a call in the morning."

"I'll call, I promise."

"You better, I'm not past hunting you down either."

I laughed and moved out of his arms. I could sense something else hanging in the air, and no one seemed to want to say it aloud. I was too tired to ask questions right then, and there were other matters I wanted to attend to first. So I let it go. I knew I would find out eventually, we had nothing but time on our hands.

"Love you, kid," Brian said, nodding at me. I knew he was silently asking me if I was alright, and all I could do was nod my ascent.

"Love you too, Brian."

I gave him one last hug before I climbed back into the truck, Edward had moved to the other side and left the space clear for me.

"I don't like this," Brian said again, glaring past me at Edward and then to Jasper. "It doesn't make me comfortable, but I am trusting you because I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I will be calling in the morning. You'd do well to remember that."

"Brian, it's fine. I trust them," I sighed.

"I don't!"

I rolled my eyes, before giving him a weak smile of reassurance.

"Call me," he said again, and I nodded as he pushed the door closed.

Edward sat next to me in silence as Jasper and Alice spoke with Brian some more. I didn't know what to say to him, I didn't even know how to say thank you, especially when it was my fault we were all out in the middle of the night—in a graveyard no less.

I pulled my legs to my chest, laying my head on my knees as I looked out the window at Alice and Jasper as they seemingly said their goodbyes to Brian. I knew I was being rude; Edward and I hadn't spoken since Kate showed up at the football field. I owed him that much, I knew Edward well enough to know he was feeling just as conflicted as I had been.

"Edward," I whispered, my voice barely audible, even in the small space of the car. I turned my head to face him and was surprised to see his eyes light up a little.

"Bella, I'm so . . ."

I held up one of my hands, stopping the myriad of apologies before they started.

"Don't apologize, Edward. We can talk about this later."

He nodded and sat in silence again. I was collecting my thoughts, trying to find something to say. We would have to talk eventually, I would have to tell him what I had decided, what I had always known but chose to ignore. Now just didn't seem like the right time. We needed privacy; I needed time to tell him everything.

"How did you guys find Brian?"

"Jasper remembered his name and that he was a cop. After we drove around where you used to hang out, Jasper drove to the main Police Department downtown. We tried to get Brian's phone number from the desk sergeant, but he wouldn't give out personal information. Alice told him it was regarding his niece, but the guy wouldn't budge. When we got outside, one the officers followed us out, he said that Brian didn't have a niece, and asked if it was about you."

"Really?"

"Yeah, his name was Mark something."

I smiled, I remembered Mark, he had been with the unit for five years before Charlie had died. He was one of many guys that came and watched football at the house with us. He'd also been at the hearing when they'd determined what they were going to do with me.

"He called Brian from his cell phone, Jasper spoke to him for a little bit before he gave us his address. We all headed over there. Jasper rode with Brian when he said he might know where you were. So here we are. Brian pointed us in the direction of your dad's grave while they went and looked around the streets surrounding here. They figured you may wait until morning if you weren't in here. Everyone has been so worried about you."

"I know, I'm sorry. I just, I couldn't . . ."

The doors at the front of the car opened and Alice and Jasper climbed in. My head was still on my knees as I watched them, too afraid to even look at Alice, knowing how upset with me she would be. I had been stupid for running away. The tension filled the car with the silence that hung in the air like an anvil waiting to drop.

Jasper turned in his seat slightly so he could look at me. His eyes were filled with pain and concern, and all I wanted to do was crawl into his lap and never leave. I knew it wasn't something I could do just yet. I still had to speak to Edward, I had to talk to Jasper. I had to tell the truth, I had to tell them how I felt and let the chips fall where they may. If I was rejected, I would have to live with that, I couldn't keep running from my feelings.

"Bella, you better start talking soon," Alice said, pulling away from the cemetery.

My eyes flickered to the darkness once more as we moved, and I said another silent goodbye to my father, promising once again to come back and see him more often. I wouldn't leave him alone for that long again. I couldn't, forgiving him meant I still needed that link to him in my life; I needed a place that I could talk to him, even if there was never any response.

"What do you want to know, Alice?" I sighed, my eyes stilling on Jasper again.

"Where did you go? I thought you were with Jasper, Jasper thought you were with me, what happened?"

"I hitched."

"Dammit, Bella, are you trying to get yourself killed?"

"No, I just . . . I needed to get out of there. I was so . . . I can't explain it. The guy, well . . . I got away and called Brian. I overheard him and Debbie talking, and I couldn't let them risk everything for me so I left."

"Edit much?" Alice asked. I could hear the impatience in her voice. She wasn't trying to be cruel; I had upset her by leaving in the first place. Something I had said I wouldn't do.

"Lay off her, Alice. She's had enough to deal with. She doesn't need to relive that right now," Jasper said, his voice gentle

"I'm sorry, but _my friend_ just said she got away, which implies she had something to get away from."

"Yes, but now isn't the time or place to talk about this. She hasn't slept in a while, she needs rest. Let her sleep and we can talk about it later," Edward said quietly. For once he and Jasper seemed to be on the same page.

I closed my eyes as the debate continued on, just listening to their voices going back and forth as they talked about what was best for me. It should have upset me, but I knew they were only trying to do the right thing. They were both right, I owed them all an explanation, but I really wasn't in the best state to rehash everything I had gone through in the last 48 hours.

It wasn't until their voices started raising that I finally stepped in.

"Guys, I will talk about this and tell you every detail, but I can't do this right now. I need to think. Being with my dad made me realize some things and I need to talk but I can't do it here and now, I'm sorry."

The car fell into a semi awkward silence. The air was thick and palpable as they each held in what they wanted to say in that moment. As much as I loved them all, things would have to change. I had made my decision to be who I always was, that I would stop letting the traits I had inherited from my mother overwhelm me. She was nothing but a surrogate, a woman who had carried me around for nine months with no emotional tie to me whatsoever.

With that realization, I realized I wanted nothing more than to talk to the men in this car and tell them everything I was thinking and feeling. I couldn't do it with them in the same space though, it was awkward enough without the added tension I was about to create.

Alice would get her explanation, and I knew I would never live it down. She and I had spent hours talking about what I had been through and she'd promised I would never have to go through anything like that again. I knew that I wouldn't while I was with her, but that had been my decision and my mistake to make. If I had just spoken to her like I should have it would never have been an issue.

As my thoughts continually made plans for my future, my eyes became heavier with every blink. I was fighting a losing battle in this constant darkness. The sleep that had consumed me in the cemetery had been restless, here in the comfort of the huge SUV and surrounded by my friends and the ones I loved, I found it easier to slip into the unconscious. There was no fear or panic anymore. I knew my own mind.

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**A/N: Sorry, not one of the better chapters but there were some things that needed to be cleared up and I hope that this was able to do that. There will be more in the next chapter, and Bella will come clean to everyone.  
**

**I know it seems a little odd that Bella was so umm, Frozen? but it had to happen, she had so much going on in her mind that her body revolted, and I couldn't have her relax at seeing Jasper, because he's part of decision. Brian is another adult figure, and although her wake up seems abrupt, I think it was always on the surface, she just needed that push.**

**Thanks as always to my super beta, the woman is amazing, and works incredibly hard and still finds time to beta for me. Thanks Cravingtwilight, you are awesome!**

**Miztrezboo and bendingmirrors, I love you guys! You're always there to talk me off the ledge and I hold my hand when I want to run and hide :) If you guys haven' read their fics, you're really missing out :)**

**To the Forum girls, you are all amazing and you keep me smiling ;) Bob!! You know I love you more lol, so give it up! A/N wars are over ;)**

**Thank you so much to each of you that take the time out to review. Every week you make me smile and blush and really think about the characters. You are all amazing and I wish there were something I could do to show you how awesome I think all of you are :) I love you guys.**

**Much love and big hugz**

**~Weezy :)**


	38. The Hardest Part is Letting Go

_**All things Twilight belong to the Awesome Stephenie Meyer. Happy TGUT Tuesday everyone :)**_

_**

* * *

**_**The Hardest Part is Letting Go**

_One of these days letters are gonna fall from the sky _  
_telling us all to go free _  
_But until that day _  
_I'll find a way to let everybody know _  
_that you're coming back, _  
_you're coming back for me_  
**_Letters From the Sky - Civil Twilight_**

* * *

I woke up to the sound of thunder rolling through the skies above us. Alice was still driving, but her speed had slowed considerably due to the heavy fall of the rain, I could barely see the trees through the downpour when I looked up. There was no conversation in the darkness, just the dull glow of the headlights being cast from the rain.

I realized, a little slowly, that my head was in Edward's lap. I had no memory of being like that when I had fallen asleep, so I imagined I had shifted at some point during my slumber. It felt wrong to me, being in this intimate position, when it wasn't something I craved anymore. Both of us were in such a different position now.

I knew he still loved Kate, I wasn't naive enough to believe that he'd ever been able to let her go, because I had been in the same situation, and I knew I had never been able to let go of Jasper.

And he was going to be a father.

That was huge, something he obviously hadn't expected either. I guess it was the very reason Kate pushed him away too; I could only imagine how scared she must have been. I just hoped that they'd be able to work it all out. Maybe they had already.

I sat up slowly, not wanting to offend Edward with moving too quickly. I knew what I wanted, but that didn't mean I had to hurt him more in the process.

I stretched my arms over my head as far as they would go, my eyes trained on the heavy downpour. My eyes scanned the interior of the car noting that everyone but Alice was sleeping. I hadn't even disturbed Edward with my movements.

"Where are we?" I asked in a whisper, my voice was heavy with sleep, and misuse.

"Almost in Forks. We've been driving for almost five hours now. This rain is relentless. How do you feel?" Alice asked, her eyes not moving from the road in front of her.

"Achy."

"Thought as much."

"What time is it?"

"Almost six in the morning. I didn't think it would take this long, I would have just suggested sleeping in a hotel otherwise."

"I'm so sorry, Alice."

"I know you are, but I guess I should have known after everything that went down that you would run. I should have paid more attention; I should never have let you walk away like that."

"Don't say that, these were all my mistakes, Alice. You couldn't have stopped me, I was so determined to get away from the situation, nothing short of cuffing me to the bed would have stopped me."

"Maybe if you'd been able to talk about it, get it out of your system, things would have been different."

I took in a deep breath and watched the emotions on Alice's face flicker through a dozen before finally settling on pain. I really couldn't push away the feeling of guilt that sat heavy on my empty stomach as I watched her. I had made a decision to be who I always had been, and guilt was just part of that. I had to process it and use it to heal now. I couldn't shelf it and deal with it later.

I shifted in my seat, moving slowly so I wouldn't disturb the two sleeping men in the car. I leaned forward through the center of the front seats so I could speak without being too loud.

"The only way I could heal, was to see my dad. I know I hurt you all by leaving, and being completely honest I didn't know where I was going or what I was going to do, but I ended up there for a reason. I needed to find myself again."

"I would have taken you had I known."

"I know you would have, Alice, but that's kinda the point. I didn't know, I didn't even know how different I'd become through all of this. It wasn't until I was in that truck cab and he tried to . . ." I took a deep breath, trying to find a way to tell her what happened.

"He tried to what?" Jasper said, making me jump in my seat.

I took a deep breath and tried to gather myself before answering the question. I knew neither of them would be happy to hear what I had to say, and it was making it that much harder to spit it out.

Jasper turned in his seat and his scent enveloped me like a lovers embrace. It made me feel warm and safe; my skin seemed to tingle from being so close to him. I wanted to reach out and brush the hair that had fallen into his eyes during his sleep back through the soft blond mop that hung untidily on his head. I wanted to cup his cheeks in my palms and tell him with my heart and soul that I loved him and only him, but I had to wait.

"He tried to rape me," I said in a matter-of-fact tone. "And it made me realize that I had forgotten everything Julia taught me. I had forgotten how to survive. When . . ."

I was cut off by Jasper's hand connecting with the dash of Alice's Yukon. The action silenced me quickly and I shot a look at Alice to see how she would react at the small outburst, but she seemed as though she would do the same thing had she been capable.

"You could have been killed, Bella," Jasper growled, as Edward stirred beside me. "How could you think it would be safe to hitch? How could you risk taking yourself away from us like that? You have no idea how much that would have killed me, killed us. You think you're the only one it would have hurt, did you think for a second about anyone or anything when you got into that truck?"

"Jasper," Alice's voice was gentle and soothing as she addressed him. "Calm down, she wasn't thinking. Everything became too much for her and she did it on a whim, even I can understand that to an extent. It was stupid and irrational but there's nothing we can do about it now."

"Alice . . ."

"Jasper, just let her finish, getting upset about this isn't going to help a thing."

"Fine," Jasper huffed, throwing himself back into his seat so I was surrounded by the smell of him again. It threw me off my train of thought, and making it impossible to concentrate on what I had been saying.

"When I finally got away, my clumsiness took over, I won't go into it, but I managed to get away and I realized that I couldn't do this alone anymore. I couldn't just survive alone. You all made me feel so loved, so cared for, I could barely take care of myself. After running for what felt like hours I found a small store and they let me use the phone. I didn't know who I was going to call until I had that phone in my hands. I knew it wasn't a permanent solution, but I needed someone, and I had resolved to relieve you all of your burden."

"That's just ridiculous!"

"Jasper," Alice warned, the soothing tone to her voice completely gone and replaced with irritation.

"He's just being honest. I am ridiculous."

"That's not what I said, Bella. I meant the notion of you being a burden to us was ridiculous."

"That's how I felt though. I knew how much you all meant to me, but I lost sight of everything. I was so confused I felt as though I needed the distance, so you would all see just how uncomplicated life was without me. All I seemed to do was create misery, and when Kate showed up, everything inside me fell apart. It didn't make sense anymore. I didn't want . . ."

I felt Edward move beside me the moment I said Kate's name, and my voice died completely when he took my hand. It took me a second to recompose myself before I continued.

"I called Brian because I knew that he was going to help me link everything together again, that he would help me see where I had gone wrong. What I never counted on was them helping me forgive my Dad."

"That's why you went to the cemetery?"

"Yeah, I overheard them talking and they felt obligated to go against everything to keep me safe, and I knew I couldn't ask them to do that, because the guilt would eat me alive. I left in the middle of the night and just ran. I've never been a good runner, but this was so different, it was as though I was running to something rather than away. Talking about Dad so freely with them made something inside of me almost snap. I tried to avoid it. I went to the bridge and walked around aimlessly, but in the end, I somehow still arrived at that cemetery without any conscious thought of going there."

The silence in the car seemed almost overwhelming when I stopped talking. Edward squeezed the hand he was holding and Jasper seemed to just look at me as though something had changed. In reality it had, drastically.

"I talked to him for the first time in years," I said, the tears flowing freely down my cheeks. "I understood how everything had gone so wrong, I saw all of the mistakes I made, I saw for the first time what I really wanted. Everything seemed to clear up in my foggy head. I wanted to stay and talk with him for a while before coming back to Forks, but when I woke up you were there, and I never had a chance to do it on my own, but I was on my way home. I knew what I had to do."

I could tell that the silence was filled with questions and apologies; I could intuitively hear the words behind the silence as the headlights beamed on the welcome to Forks sign. I knew I had more talking to do now that we were almost home. I just hoped that everyone would be patient with me while I did what I needed to do. I hoped that Jasper wouldn't get the wrong idea.

The silence lasted all the way to the Masen's house. My stomach was flipping while my mind tried to word everything I needed to say. This was going to be anything but easy, but I had mentally prepared myself for this. I knew what I wanted; I just had to do this the right way so no one would get hurt.

When we finally pulled up outside the house, I half expected the steely gray of the sky to have lightened, but the rain was just too heavy and the thick clouds kept the light from breaking through. I didn't speak until Alice turned off the engine and we sat idle.

"Edward, do you mind if I speak with you in private?"

I heard Jasper's sigh from the front seat and I knew that he had probably misconstrued the situation once again. It was a risk I had to take though; I had to make sure Edward understood what I wanted so there would be no more of this confusion. I needed to clear the air with him first so that he would always know that it was never anything he did, that it wasn't Kate showing up that had tipped the scales. That I had in fact made this decision by my own volition.

"Jasper, would you mind waiting for me, I would like to talk with you too."

He nodded, but I could see that he wasn't intending to stay, that he'd already made up his mind. The look he gave me made me feel nervous, and for the first time I was second guessing my decision to tell him what I wanted. I wouldn't though, I needed him to know how I felt so we could move on whether it was together or apart. I would never make these mistakes again and I needed him to know that.

The four of us made our way inside the house quickly. The rain was so heavy it almost soaked us through in the few feet we had to run. I pulled Alice aside as soon as we were in the confines of the warm house. I needed her on my side. I needed her to keep Jasper here.

"Alice, will you make sure he doesn't leave, please?"

"I'll try, Bella," she smiled. She'd obviously realized what I was doing by the pained expression I was wearing. "It'll all work out."

"I hope so," I mumbled, walking towards the study where Edward had disappeared into.

I pushed the door closed behind me and made my way over to where he stood by the embers of the dying fire. His eyes were trained on the white hot logs that were still hissing and spitting from the heat. I stopped beside him, my hand reaching out to his arm that hung loosely by his side.

"Things could have been so different if we'd met before all of this," he said quietly at the fire.

"Edward, I . . ."

"Please, Bella. Don't misunderstand me. I just, I think we could have been good together without all of the distractions. My parents want me to marry Kate."

"Do you still want that?" I asked gently, hoping that he wouldn't misinterpret the question.

"Bella, I . . . you have to understand our history."

"I'm not upset, Edward. I asked you in here because . . ." This was harder than I thought it would be, even with his admission of marrying Kate, and my suspicion of him still loving her; I knew that on some level this would hurt him, and I hated to be the one to do that. "Edward, I love Jasper. I always have and as much as I enjoyed our time together I was lying to myself. I was lying because even though I really did want things to work with you, he . . ."

"He was always the one you wanted."

"Yes. The day Kate showed up I had made up my mind to be alone, to distance myself from both of you to see what I really wanted. When Kate appeared I was so afraid that it would look like I was choosing him because you . . . well, because you wouldn't want me anymore . . ."

Edward cut me off by pulling me into his arms, he held me against his chest with such a ferocity that I could barely breathe. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held him with the same level of intensity though. It was a defining moment for the two of us.

"I would never not want you, Bella, and I think I can say the same about Jasper."

"But I couldn't live with him second guessing my choice. I needed him to know that it was always him, and I'm sorry that I am telling you this . . . it's just, well, I thought you needed to know. I needed you to know that I understood; that I expected you to pick Kate. I think we both know that you still love her, you deserve to be happy about all of this, not to feel guilty about me."

"You're extraordinary, you know that?" Edward asked, holding me at arms length so he could look me in the eye. "When Alice told me you were gone I panicked. Kate had caught me so off guard that I hadn't even considered how you would feel about all of this. I felt like an asshole. I was an asshole, and I'm sorry for not doing something to make you feel more comfortable, I'm sorry I couldn't even look at you when she showed up. I'm sorry I never gave you a chance to talk to me before she showed up."

"You knew I needed to talk to you?"

"I didn't know, it was more of an inclination. You didn't make it obvious, but I saw the way you and Jasper acted when you came out of the hospital and I was selfish enough to want you just that little bit longer."

I smiled at Edward, I knew I should probably be angry or hurt that he'd purposely kept me from telling him what I needed to, but I couldn't feel anything but flattered. It had meant he cared enough to fight, to give what we had that last bit of effort.

"So, what happened with Kate?" I asked timidly, hoping he wouldn't think I was prying.

"We talked in the car for a while before we came back here, she explained everything. Apparently she knew kids weren't in my "five year plan"," he said with his fingers making quotations. "It's funny how you don't think about things like that when you say them. I really don't even remember having an in depth conversation about it with her. She said I'd mentioned having kids in my mid to late twenties so I could start my career. Like a fucking idiot, I'd said it on the night she was going to tell me she was pregnant."

"You couldn't have known, Edward, we all say things we don't necessarily mean. There was no way you could have known."

"I know, but I can't help but feel as though I pushed her away."

"What else happened?"

Edward walked us both over to the couch and sat down, pulling me down beside him.

"She said she'd never stopped loving me and knew that she owed me an explanation before the baby was born. She wanted to give me a chance to make a decision. She told me that she could do it alone, but she felt I had the right to know, whether we were together or not the baby was half of us both and I should have the choice to do what I felt was right."

"What did you do?"

"I proposed, I told her everything, even about you. She wasn't exactly thrilled that I had fallen for someone so easily, but she understood. She was mostly upset that I hadn't had the chance to propose when I wanted to, she said she hadn't known that it's what I wanted. I'm so sorry, Bella, I know I said my parents wanted me to marry her, and that is the truth, when they found out her name and who her family is, they jumped on me, but I lied to you. I proposed to her before they told me I was to marry her."

"It's what you always wanted, Edward. I can't be upset with you about that, because I just told you I lied to myself as well as you all this time. I'm not saying I didn't feel anything for you, but . . ."

"It wasn't close to what you had with Jasper."

"Yes," I said, looking down at my hands. "and I am sorry for that."

"Don't be. I know that if the situations were in reverse, that it was Kate that was always around I would be in the same position. It wasn't until she showed up that I understood just what we'd put you through, how torn you must have felt all the time."

"It was my own doing, I didn't want to let either of you go."

"So what now?" he asked, picking up my hand again. "Are you sticking with the original plan and staying alone?"

"No," I smiled. "One thing these last few days have taught me is that life's too short to put it on hold. You were the first one I wanted to speak to because I didn't know where you were, or what you were planning on doing, and I wanted you to understand that I do love you, just . . ."

"You don't have to say it, I understand."

"Thank you." I smiled, squeezing his hand.

"You were worth the fight, Bella. Never underestimate your self worth. You are always going to be my "what if." I believe that if you and I had happened before Kate or Jasper, we would have had the happily ever after."

"But Kate had happened."

"So had Jasper, so we'll never know what could have been."

"We know what we had though. We can walk away knowing that we're with the one's we're supposed to be with. We can't think about the "what if's." You are with the woman you love, you're going to be a dad. Just promise me one thing, Edward."

"What's that?"

"Have a living will. Your child will always have a large family who loves it, but don't leave it up to chance. Learn from my dad's mistakes."

"He," Edward said smiling. "Edward the third, will have a family who love him, but I will make a living will. I've seen what all of this has done to you and it made you a stronger person, but I won't put my child through that. He'll always have somewhere to go."

I smiled at him and leaned across the couch to hold him once again. If there was anything in the world that I could do, it would be to pass along that message to anyone who would listen. No one should ever have to go through what I had been through, and even though they were extenuating circumstances, I would never leave something like that up to fate. I knew that I was one of the lucky ones, that everyone I had known under that bridge were reaping the benefits of my best friend, that I had been saved by each and every one of these people and they loved me more than I thought I deserved.

Edward and I held onto one another longer than we should and I couldn't help the feeling that this was a goodbye. His hands gripped my clothes as though he were memorizing this moment to look back on one day, and it dawned on me that this would be the last time I saw him in a while.

"When are you leaving for New York?"

"How did you know?"

I just smiled, I didn't need to tell him how I knew. He already figured that one out.

"A week. I will be going back to school to get my degree. Kate's decided to be a stay at home mom, which is fine. It's not like either of us need to work, but I know I want to. We're getting married in September, Kate says she needs to start planning. The baby is due in July."

"That's good."

"Will you come and say goodbye before we leave?"

"Do you really think that's a good idea?" I asked, pulling out of his embrace and looking at him.

"I hate that this is the last time we'll get to talk, that this is goodbye for us."

"It's not goodbye, Edward. At least, I hope it isn't."

There was a strained silence that hung in the air as he contemplated the statement. In the end he chose to look past it and not answer. Instead, he gave me a smile.

"You'd better go; I know Jasper has to be losing his mind out there waiting for you. I know I would be."

"Thanks, Edward," I said, standing up with a smile and kissing him on his cheek.

"You tell Jasper he better be good to you, or I'll kick his ass seven ways from Sunday."

"I'll do no such thing Edward Anthony Masen. You behave yourself, and look after Kate and the baby."

"I will."

I gave Edward one last smile before turning to the door. I took a deep breath; I was going to do something that terrified and excited me all at the same time. My future all depended on what the man outside of this door said to me. Either way I knew I would survive. I would do anything it took to get him back, but one thing was certain. Whatever happened now, I was willing to fight.

My hand grasped at the door handle and I twisted it slowly.

* * *

**A/N: Awe Edward was all mature about it. Still, he proposed when he was still technically with Bella, so we can pretend he's the bad guy if you like. He did go to the "What if" route but I think he'd really thought it all through. He would never have forgiven himself if something had happened to Bella, but knowing she was safe, that she'd made her decision, much like he'd made his own, gave him piece of mind.**

**Thanks as always to my supabeta, Cravingtwilight, for inhaling the chapters and making my grammar and punctuation so much better.**

**Miztrezboo and Bendingmirrors. A huge thanks to the two of you for keeping me sane! If you haven't read their stories you're really missing out. Miz and I have a small collab going on at the moment. The Multi chap will be called Road Trip on Route 666.**

**Thank you so much to the girls on Cullen Boy Anonymous for the recommendation on their website. It was the Monday fic rec. Their website is cullenboysanonymous (.) com. They're awesome!**

**Bob, I still love you more and growing wings didn't work out *snort***

**If you head on over to the forum, the girls there are awesome and there's another sneak peek posted there on Fridays. Not the same as in the review replies I promise. I also try and answer all the questions as best I can too.**

**Thank you also to all of the reviewers. Each of you are amazing and make me smile. Your passion for the characters and situations astounds me, collective hugs to each and every one of you. I love you guys!!!**

**Much love and big hugz ~ Weezy**


	39. Surrender

_**All things Twilight belong to the Amazing Stephenie Meyer and her publishers. Happy TGUT Tuesday :)**_

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**_**Surrender**

_Oh I'm begging you no, there's more life left to go_  
_Oh I'm begging you please, cause I don't want you to leave_  
_Alone as you walk through a crowd and it's awkward like nobody sees_  
_And you can't help but wonder would anyone come after you if you'd leave_  
_So a pain grows inside and a fear comes alive like you'll never be free_  
_But there's no pain you feel that I know love can't heal here at all_  
**_Life Left to Go by Safetysuit_**

**_

* * *

_**My hand tugged on the handle with all of the force I could muster. My excitement was getting the better of me as the heavy door swung open quickly.

I wasn't sure how long I had been in the study with Edward, but it hadn't changed the dull darkness of the light outside that was casting a surreal feeling around the huge house. Huge shadows seemed to hang around the large foyer, but I ignored everything but my need to finish what I had started.

My eyes searched the area for Jasper, hoping that I could drag him somewhere so I could finally tell him exactly what I'd been feeling all this time, exactly why I felt so conflicted about everything. I needed him to know the truth and I knew that no matter what he said or did in response, I could handle it, because I knew how I felt, I knew what I wanted.

I ran across the hall to the open living room. Alice was sat quietly in the dark, her eyes on her hands as they wrung nervously. I knew something was wrong.

"Alice, what's wrong? Where's Jasper?"

"He left, he asked me to take him home and I said no, and he said, 'well I'll walk then' . . . so he walked out! There was no stopping him."

"How long?"

"Five minutes. but, Bella . . ."

I didn't hear the rest of the sentence, my feet carried me from the house in the same swift execution they had when I left Debbie and Brian's. My feet pounded the ground creating small splashes of water as I moved. There was only one way Jasper would take home and that was the shortest route.

My feet hit the wet grass as I headed across the lawn to the opening in the trees. Not even the clap of thunder deterred me from my course. No matter what happened or where it happened, Jasper would hear me out. I wouldn't put this off anymore, I couldn't, I didn't think my heart could take it.

Being in that small confined space on the way back from Seattle had done nothing but made my need stronger. It seemed like electricity running over my skin whenever he was near. I needed him to know that.

I dodged through the trees, trying to keep my balance as I ran with everything I had in me. He had to be here, I had to catch him at some point.

The lightening flashed above the trees illuminating everything on the path ahead of me. I saw a dark figure ahead of me, he was hunched over his jacket up around his ears as he walked quickly through the darkness. I wasn't a hundred percent sure it was him until I saw a flash of the rain darkened blond in the exaggerated flash of light.

My heart sped up in my chest, my feet seemed to move in perfect synchronization with the frenzied beat. I wanted nothing more than to call out to him, but I was so afraid that if he saw I was following he would run, and there was never any way I could catch up with him.

I knew the moment he heard me approaching, his back straightened out pulling him to his full height and his steps slowed down considerably. My throat became dry as I tried to slow myself down, my wet hair stuck to my face mingled in with the tears and rain. My breathing was heavy and erratic as I stopped not five feet away from him. I couldn't believe just how much my hands itched to reach out to him, how my arms felt the complete desire to wrap around him and feel him against my body.

"Jasper," my voice was a whisper, broken and ragged, even against the thunderous sky overhead. "Why did you leave?"

"I couldn't hurt you anymore, Bella. You made your choice, and I can't be selfish. I can't keep doing this to you."

"Doing what? You don't think I have a mind of my own. You don't think there was a reason I chose to speak to Edward first?"

"Does it matter, Bella? You told me before you left what you decided."

"I lied to you," I said, my voice cracking with emotion.

"Bella," he breathed my name with a reverence that made my heart melt in my chest and my knees weaken. He turned around slowly and all I could see was the pain and despair in his eyes. All of the hurt I had caused was present in the soulful blue, seeping out through the flecks of green that were huddled around the matte black of his pupil.

His wet hair fell limply across his forehead channeling a stream of water down his cheeks as he looked at me in silence. It reminded me of the first night we made love. The night I knew beyond a doubt that I loved him, that I couldn't live without him. I couldn't believe I had been stupid enough to try. How I could ever thought I could live without him was beyond me, but I was determined to fix it, I was determined to let him know how I felt, no matter how difficult this was going to make it.

"You're not that good of a liar, Bella. I saw it in your face when you said the words."

"And you can't see that I'm telling the truth now?"

"Just go back to Alice's. Don't forget to call Brian in the morning."

I could feel the anger mingle with my passion as his eyes seemed to look through me. He was avoiding my eyes now, and had been since I'd caught all of the emotion in them. He was avoiding all of this now and I didn't know why. I couldn't back down though, my anger and determination wouldn't let me, I couldn't even shy away from the pain of possible rejection, because now I almost expected it.

"No," I shouted defiantly. The water falling around us seemed to get heavier in the weak shade of the canopy above. My hair became tendrils of running water as I locked my legs into the ground below me. My fists balled tightly, my short nails stabbing into the palm of my hand. "Are you really going to walk away again?"

"Again?" he laughed, a bitter tone to his voice. "I never once ran away, Bella. I think that's your specialty. You seem to have a handle on that market."

"That's nice, Jasper. That's really nice. Why don't you man up and tell me how you really feel? Because avoidance seems to be your forte."

Defeat seemed to deflate the retort to my attack away and I was aware of the tears welling up faster in my eyes. I couldn't believe the wrong turn this had taken, I couldn't believe that instead of telling him how I felt, I had insulted him. I was a fool, I always had been when it came to him, because I was so afraid of my own feelings. The way I loved him terrified me. It was needy and desperate and ran through the very core of me, and I couldn't keep pushing him away because of it. I was stronger than that.

"Jasper, I . . ."

"Bella, don't. You deserve so much better than I can give you. All I seem to do is make you miserable. I'm no good for you, I never have been. You need someone who can give you more, who can love you the way you deserve to be loved. You need so much more than I can give right now. I'm sorry, I can't do this, and I can't do this to you."

He turned around, giving me only his rain soaked back as he started to walk away slowly. He took slow even steps into the stormy night, leaving the rain to fall freely over my body and pull me under.

My blood seemed to flow cold around my body. My limbs ached and weighted me down as I stood watching him walk away. I had promised not to let this happen, to fight for him, but I couldn't go against everything he'd just said. Those were his emotions, that was how he felt.

I knew he was good enough for me, I had always been the weak link between us. I couldn't let him walk away from me like this without knowing the truth. This was my last chance, my last stand. This was the twenty fifth hour and I had to let him in to see what I felt, what I believed and what I had always known. If I let him go now, it could be the last time I would have this opportunity. I could lose him forever and he would never know how much I loved him.

The weight of that realization drove me to my knees. I fell forward, my hands landing in the wet mud and bracken. The water cascaded over my shoulders and through my hair. It was like my whole body was crying from my loss. I had to do something, for once in my life I had to take a chance.

"Jasper, I wasn't lying the night I left," I cried out, my voice thick with my sobs. I looked up and realized he'd stopped walking, but I still only had his back. "I was terrified to tell you what I had decided, because no matter what had happened I knew that it would look like I was picking you because I didn't have to choose, because the decision had been made for me. The truth is it's always been you Jasper. Every hour of every day, all I have wanted has been you."

I pushed myself back onto my knees so I was staring at his back. The water seemed to be running in streams down the definitions of his muscles as he stood rigidly with his back to me.

"When I was with Charlie, I realized that you're the only person who ever made me feel as safe as he did, you're the only person who's arms I wish were constantly around me. I know how fucked up I am and I know that scares you, I know it scares you because it scares me. Jasper, I never claimed to be perfect, but when I'm with you I feel closer to that because you bring that out in me, you make me feel worth something, you make me feel love. I understand if you don't want me, I do, I don't deserve you, but never, ever think you aren't good enough for me, because you're the one that's too good in this scenario; and you're the only thing I want. Even all those months apart I lied to myself, I was so scared, I had never felt like that about anyone or anything, and I had lost so much, in some twisted way I think I pushed you away before you could be taken from me."

I let the silence fill the air as I tried to catch my breath through the sobs. He still hadn't turned around; his back was still ramrod straight. Pain seemed to fill every crease of my heart.

"You're all I've ever wanted; you're all I think about."

I pushed up from the ground onto my wobbly legs and started towards him slowly. My chest was heaving with painful sobs. I wasn't quiet in my approach, and I knew that I must be a state to look at, but I needed him to know, I needed him to understand.

He turned slowly as I approached, the rain was like a halo around him, the water weaved its way down the clumped strands that clung to his face, drips slid down his perfect nose to the tip and fell silently to the ground below. His lashes were glistening in the darkness as droplets clung to them with a desperation I understood.

I understood the need to be that close, the need to touch him, to feel him. He was so much more than everything I had already said and I needed him to understand what I was telling him, because it was coming from my soul. It was all I had left to offer.

He still wasn't looking at me, and it cut me. The pain was like a knife stabbing into the deepest crevices of my heart and twisting painfully. I realized just how much damage I had done over the past couple of months.

My dirt covered hands reached out slowly, I was waiting for him to flinch away, to step back out of my reach so I wouldn't touch him, but he stayed still, his eyes still looking over my head.

When my hands made contact I almost cried with happiness. His jaw fit into my palms with such perfection, the electricity we'd always shared coursed down my fingers and hand as they planted themselves against his warm skin. I tilted his head slowly, making sure his eyes followed the angle of his head as I tipped his chin in my direction.

I needed him to see the truth in my words, I needed him to see that everything I said, I said with everything I believed, everything I was, every truth that coursed through my veins. As soon as his eyes met mine, I started talking, and vowed not to stop until everything was out in the open.

"You are the only thing I have ever needed, Jasper. Everything I've done, everything I survived, all of it was to bring me to you. I have no doubt that you're all I ever want. I understand if you don't want me, but I can't walk away from you again without telling you everything in my heart. It belongs to you, my soul belongs to you. I'm nothing without you. I love you with everything I am, I've always loved you, and I couldn't let you walk away without telling you that, because I promised I wouldn't let you go without a fight, even after everything I've done. I love you, Jasper Whitlock."

Jasper's eyes slid closed as a rumble built in his chest. His arms reached out the last of the distance and coiled around my waist pulling me to him. His forehead came against mine, the slick skin sticking against mine as his hot breath lapped at my cheeks.

His heat was overwhelming as he held me close to him, his arms felt like a cage of safety around me. And I realized I was truly home, this was the only place that would ever have that name anymore. No matter where we were or what we were doing as long as I had his arms around me I would be home.

"You're the only thing I can see, Bella," he said gently. His eyes taking long blinks as he finally drank me in. "Nothing makes sense without you in my life; you're a part of me I don't want to let go of. I know you're hurting, and we will get you the right help, but I will be there with you every step of the way. I won't be selfish anymore; I love you too much to keep hurting you like this. You're all I want, and if you think I'm letting you go again you're insane."

I smiled up at him as my teeth sunk into the flesh of my bottom lip. Jasper's head tipped slightly and I instinctively moved with him. My teeth released the flesh, just before my lips connected with Jasper's. The warmth that spread through me seemed to make the cold droplets of rain disappear completely into the cold morning. All I could feel was him surrounding me, his lips, his arms, his chest. I wanted to crawl into his skin and never leave.

I gulped in air as he deepened the kiss, his tongue made languorous passes over my bottom lip until I granted him what he was asking. My hands moved from his cheeks to tangle in his saturated hair as our tongues danced together in perfect harmony.

Being like this, we fit. And it was obvious now, everything about us seemed to be the opposite of the other, like puzzle pieces slotting together, the feeling of wholeness seemed to envelope me as I lost myself in the moment.

Jasper's hands gripped the side of my face as a hunger seemed to surge between us. It had been too long since we'd been like this, it had been too long since we had touched like this and my whole body seemed to ignite under his fingertips.

The dual sensations of heat from the kiss and cold from the falling rain made me light headed as I clung to the man I loved with everything I was. The moment seemed to stop time, the heat of our bodies mingling as we bared our souls.

Jasper and I fought for breath as our grips tightened, both of us needing to get closer, feel more, touch more. Everything that had happened in the last couple of months seemed to dissolve into nothingness, it fell away as we stood soaking wet in the forest.

I broke away needing air, my forehead resting against his as we both panted loudly. Our breaths mingled between us as our chests rose and fell against the other causing a friction I hadn't realized I missed until now.

"I missed you, Bella. Everyday."

"I missed you too, I'm so sorry, Jasper. I never wanted to hurt you and I don't know how everything got so bad so quickly. I should have known you would never do that, but . . . It doesn't matter now. But if we're going to make this work, I just think you should know that Edward and I . . ."

Jasper silenced me with his lips, his eyes were on fire when he pulled back again. In the darkness it looked like the black had overtaken the blue.

"I'm not an idiot, Bella, I knew something happened, I just don't want to hear about it. In fact, I don't want to look back, we can't keep looking back at this, we have to move forward. There's so much to look forward to, so much ahead of us."

I nodded, glad I didn't have to say the words out loud and ruin the moment. I knew it would be hard to say, but it would be harder for him to hear. He didn't need to know all the sordid details and I was glad he spared us both the pain of rehashing our time apart.

"I love you," he whispered, kissing my lips again, his forehead never leaving mine. An involuntary shiver ran down my spine as my body settled against his, drinking in his warmth.

"I'm sorry, babe, are you cold?" he asked, pulling away and assessing my body as I looked up at him lazily.

I couldn't stop looking at him now that I was this close. Even in the rain I was enveloped by his smell, everything about him dragged me in and held me captive. I was a willing prisoner, but I knew he would take me home soon. I knew that this magic little bubble we'd accumulated would burst the second we started walking away.

I knew we'd have to move on soon, I knew we couldn't stay in this one moment forever, but the perfection of it seemed too good to be true and I was scared that the reality of life would come crashing down around us the moment we started moving.

"You're shivering, Bella. Come on, I think I have a pair of boxers with your name on them."

I couldn't help but giggle at that as he tucked me under his arm and started walking towards his house.

We walked slowly, and I imagined he felt much the same as I did about where we were headed and what it meant. Everything that had passed between us seemed to sink in slowly with every step we took. Jasper loved me, even after everything that had happened over the last couple of months there was an air of right that seemed to settle around us.

Happiness seemed to seep into my bones with every step I took. I had fought for what I wanted, I hadn't let him walk away without hearing me out first, and for the first time in my life, I was reaping the benefits.

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**A/N: I know it's slightly repetitive in parts, but the was the desperation and then the overwhelming happiness talking. I know it was shortish, but I hope it wasn't a let down, and they will make up more next chapter!! I feel like I should hide, but I also feel like I shouldn't. I kinda liked how it worked out in the end, the fact that for once she had the choice to run away and she chose to fight. Jasper saw that.****  
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**Only 3 chapters left!! eek.  
**

**Thanks as always to my wonderful Beta, cravingtwilight. She always fixes my bad grammar and punctuation and make it so much better. Thanks E!**

**Miztrezboo and Bendingmirrors, my hand holders and friends, I love you guys!! If you head over to my faves on my profile, you will find their fics, so awesome and very talented ladies!!**

**Hev99 you're awesome Bob!! That is all!!!**

**I adore the forum girls!! If you have any questions you want answered or you just wanna make a comment, head on over, I try the best I can to answer them, though I'm sure others would disagree lol.**

**Thank you to each and every one of you who review. You truly make me smile every time I get another email. Your thought out comments and questions, and your passion is more than I could have ever dreamed to think of. I love all of you guys!! You're amazing!!!**

**Much love, big Hugz**

**~Weezy **


	40. Belonging

_**All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer. Happy TGUT Tuesday!! Citrus A Hoy!!!**_

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**_**Belonging**

_Be my friend, Hold me, _  
_wrap me up, Unfold me_  
_I am small, and needy_  
_Warm me up . . ._  
_And breathe me_  
**_Breathe Me - Sia_**

**_

* * *

_**Jasper and I walked towards his house in the falling rain. Both of us ignoring the cold water that seemed to fall over our bodies in a constant stream. Tucked under his arm like this, I couldn't feel anything but him anyway.

He surrounded me like a warm wall of safety; all of my senses seemed to reach for him willingly. Nothing else seemed to matter now and everything was finally right with the world. I really didn't know how to describe the sense of calm that he brought me.

I was thankful that even though we'd left the small bubble on the path in the forest, the illusion still hadn't broken. I was here, with the man I loved and it seemed nothing would change that now. I had made a decision to fight for him and I would do it a hundred times over because I knew we were meant to be together.

"You warm enough?" he asked, pulling me tighter into his side as we continued to walk through the downfall of rain.

I nodded and smiled up at him, letting myself slide closer into his side. His warmth seemed to permeate through my wet clothes and spread through my body. I wasn't sure if it was really him or just an illusion because I had waited too long to be this close to him. Whatever it was, it didn't matter because I was here.

We reached his house as the diffused light of the day hit the horizon. It didn't lighten the sky or ease the heavy shadows that seemed to linger, it was just a subtle change of color. The dawning of a new day. It seemed fitting for what we'd just been through, what we'd just discussed.

He unlocked the door the same way he had the night I'd first come here, the only sound in the house was the dripping of our wet clothes on the tile below us. The heat of the house seemed to encapsulate us, invisible fingers welcoming us home. The contrast in temperature instantly made me shiver violently.

Jasper darted into the laundry room, and came back with two towels and some of his underwear. I couldn't help but smile at the boxers he held up in the air. They were the ones I always chose to wear. Stewie Griffin's wide head on his tiny body smiled up at me like a long lost friend.

"Good thing I did laundry," Jasper laughed peeling his jacket from himself and dumping it at our feet.

I followed suit, peeling the denim from my shoulders until it slapped against the tile. My fingers moved to the zipper on my hoody, but Jasper's hands found mine before I could pull it down.

"Let me," he grinned, his lips curling slightly as he pulled my hands from my chest.

I raised my eyebrows but didn't argue as his fingers gripped the zipper and tugged it down with a painfully sluggish movement.

I couldn't stop my heart, or my body, from reacting to him touching me like this. As the two ends of material felt apart I watched him drink in my form. The shirt I was wearing below was sticking to my body in its wet state, accentuating each of my curves below it. My breathing rose to embarrassing heights as his hands slid under the heavy wet material.

His fingers gripped around my waist as he stepped towards me again. I took a step back and was met with the solid wall behind me.

"Will you behave yourself?" Jasper whispered, his voice thick and languid as it brushed over my damp neck.

"I am behaving," I said, my voice gravelly with emotion. "You're the one touching me."

"I can't help myself," he chuckled. His lips brushing against my forehead. "You're all I've thought about for so long."

The inevitable guilt seemed to bubble around in my stomach, making its slow ascent to my mind. I knew I had to stop it before it ruined the moment, I had the overwhelming need to apologize, but I couldn't put it into words, because I knew it would come out completely wrong.

Jasper and I still had to do a lot of talking, but right now was not the time for it. I could barely think coherently with his proximity, any closer and I wouldn't be able to form a fully articulated sentence. Resistance was futile.

I closed my eyes, my mind tracing Jasper's hands as they moved up my body, his large warm fingers worked under the thick gray of the material and moved fluidly down my arms, forcing the last of the wet fleece to move with him.

I suppressed the moan that was building in my throat as his hands locked around my wrists forming manacles. I could feel the weight of the water pulling on the material, but made no move to assist it. It was only going to be a matter of time until gravity took it from me.

"Jasper," I mumbled, my lips finding his Adam's apple.

"Yes?" he groaned in response, his body rocking slowly against mine. I could feel his excitement through the denim of his jeans and it made me shudder in anticipation.

"Kiss me," I breathed, my tongue moving slowly up the length of his neck to his jaw.

His hands disappeared from my wrists quickly, the jolt helped the material fall heavily to the floor with a wet slap as his hands found the sides of my face. He tilted my head up to meet his. His eyes were the dark blue that had haunted me for months, the very same blue that seemed to make my stomach flip.

When his lips finally ghosted against mine I moaned against his mouth in pleasure. It was no use trying to avoid it anymore. My body wanted him just as much as my heart and soul did. Everything he touched and tasted seemed to ignite into white hot flames, burning me with a pleasurable pain.

My body twisted and contorted against the wall behind me as his tongue swept across my bottom lip. I didn't know how much I had been missing out on, I had blocked all of this, and I was beginning to realize just how much I needed it, just how much we seemed to fit together.

My hands gripped the edge of the shirt I was wearing and I dragged it up my body. I pulled away from him only long enough to pull it over my head and discard it on the ground, there was too much flowing between us to stay away for long. My hands moved to the edges of the material covering his torso in an attempt to get closer to him. I pulled it over his head, my eyes on his damp body as I raised it up and dropping it to the ground to the growing collection there. I needed to feel him against me, I needed the heat of his body against mine.

I could hear a song playing somewhere in the room. I had no idea how I had enough coherency to pull the sound in with my passion filled senses, yet somehow I had managed to. I simply chose to ignore it. I knew what it was, I just didn't want to acknowledge it. I was hoping that Jasper would do the same.

"Bella," he mumbled around my lips. The hot air warming my cheeks. "We need to stop for just one minute."

"No," I whined, my fingers finding purchase in his hair, holding him to me with all the strength I had left.

"Baby, I have to answer the phone. Carlisle will call the cops if I don't, and you need to eat."

"_Jasper_."

"It'll only take a minute. We're both freezing, and . . ."

"I can warm you right up," I smiled, pushing my body against his as my lips nipped at his jaw. I wasn't sure where this provocative side was coming from, but I was hoping it would work. His phone persisted from his back pocket, then went silent as his voicemail picked it up.

"Bella," he growled. Defeat evident in his tone. "If I don't call Carlisle back . . ."

He kissed me again, his tongue dancing over the cupids bow of my top lip.

"He's going to call the cops."

He groaned again as my teeth impaled his bottom lip pulling it between my lips and I sucked gently. He pulled his head away slowly so he could catch my eyes.

"They'll be looking for you."

"Me?" I asked, sobering up from the lusty haze I was swimming in. What was that supposed to mean?

"He called, there was something I was supposed to talk to you about, I had to tell him you left, I'm sorry, he told me if I didn't find you by the morning he was calling the cops. I promise, we'll pick up from where we left off. I just don't want him to make that call."

I nodded in agreement and pushed off the wall so I could grab at one of the towels that were strewn across the small wicker chest resting against the laundry room door. I wrapped it around myself and pulled off the rest of my clothes slowly. Jasper's eyes watched my every movement; his eyes seemed to travel down my legs with my jeans as I peeled them slowly from my body.

"Maybe you should dry off first?" I smiled, throwing the other towel over his head as I pulled on his boxers and reached for his white tank. I let the towel drop to the floor as I peeled off my bra and started to pull the dry material over my head.

Jasper's audible groan made me smile, and I couldn't help but laugh at him as he pressed his forehead against the wall in frustration. It seemed I wasn't alone in my lust after all. I walked over to him slowly, my hands roaming over his broad back, his warm skin was still damp from the rain.

"Need some help taking these wet things off?" I asked, my hand circling to the waist of his jeans.

"You're evil, but I love you," he groaned. The growl thick in his throat.

"I love you too. Go and make your call please, if I spontaneously combust you'll have no one to blame but yourself."

"Evil," Jasper mumbled, pulling the towel down from his shoulder. "Do you think you could manage to eat something while I call him back?"

"I can do one better and make us both something. Now go call Carlisle before you ruin the mood completely."

I marched out of the small room towards the kitchen. The kitchen I had cooked us thanksgiving dinner in, the one where I knew my way around. Everything in this house was so familiar to me, but it was more than that, Jasper made me feel as though I was home. It didn't matter where I was, I knew as long as he was there I would be happy.

I made something simple while he spoke to Carlisle on the phone. I could hear him trying his hardest to end the call, but Carlisle seemed to continue firing questions at him, keeping him occupied while I finished doing what I was doing. I finally just ignored what was going on and focused on the task at hand while trying my best not to grin like an idiot.

"What did you make?" Jasper asked as he stepped up behind me, his hands gripping my hips as his lips brushed along my neck.

"Sandwiches," I squeaked as his teeth sank into the flesh of my neck making my finally regulated breathing pick up again.

He hummed against my skin as heated air from his nose blew across my shoulder. At this rate making a sandwich and planning to eat had been a wasted effort, he was driving me insane, and I could have cared less about anything but his hands on me.

"Jasper," I groaned, his name a reverent chorus on my lips.

"Eat, baby. I know you haven't eaten, and I plan on holding you hostage for a while."

His hands disappeared with his request. He knew nothing would get done while he was touching me like this. Neither of us could concentrate while in such a close proximity to one another, the very same electrical pull was always buzzing between us when we in the same room, but being this close to one another made it impossible to ignore.

To appease him, I took a bite of my sandwich, and that one bite made me realize just how hungry I was, I was surprised there wasn't a thud as it hit my empty stomach.

Jasper finished eating long before I had, and as soon as I had swallowed my last bite, his hands gripped my hips and his lips were on mine again. Without conscious thought, my hands tangled into his hair as I pulled my body flush against his. I didn't miss how hard he was either. It sat nestled into my stomach, pushing against the soft flesh begging for relief.

I moaned into Jasper's mouth as the emotions flooded my entire body. My skin ignited in a low burning heat that made my body grind against his with need. The same magnetism we'd been lost in before the call seem to light up like the fourth of July again. Jasper's fingers dug into my flesh as he lifted me from the floor and up onto the cool marble counter.

He stepped in between my legs as his hands moved to grip my cheeks. My hands ran over the warmth of his shirtless back as my nipples pebbled with his touch. I pressed them against him through the thin material of the tank top I was wearing as my lips formed around his.

Jasper rolled his hips into me as he deepened the kiss. His hardened length pressed into my already damp center with each pass, forcing a roll of pleasure up my spine, and a gently sigh to spill from my lips.

I needed him. That much was undeniable in the heat of this very moment.

My hands moved from their grip on his warm shoulders and made their way down the muscles of his chest and stomach. They were more defined than I remembered them to be, each rise and dip was caressed gently with my fingers as I moved. I guessed it was from the boxing he'd been doing while we were apart.

I realized just how much I'd missed him, how much my body had craved for this while I'd been so stupid. Everything he did, everything he touched felt so alive. My heart was fluttering in my chest ready to explode into a gallop as my fingers traced the elastic waist of his boxer briefs. I needed him. I always had and I always would, but right now it was like I would die without feeling him within me.

The material gave way to my fingers as they swept between it and his skin, my fingers lingered over the fine dusting of hair that trailed from his navel down to his growing length. I could feel my pulse hammering in my temples the anticipation seemed to eat me alive.

Before I could go any further, before my hands could make the last of the descent to the silken skin of his manhood, his hands moved from the sides of my face to my thighs, he wrapped them around his waist, trapping my hand between our stomachs.

"Not here, baby," Jasper whispered into my ear, his lips closing around the fleshy lobe of my ear.

"I need you, Jasper." It was nothing but the truth and it fell from my lips in a breathy moan.

"I'm all yours, but I refuse to have our first time back together be hurried on a kitchen island."

I nodded, pulling my hands from between us and wrapping them around his neck. Anything he wanted I would give him, because I needed this to be perfect; I needed this to be everything. I wanted to show him just how much he meant to me in every way, and if it would mean waiting an extra five minutes until we were in his bed, then so be it.

He swept me up from the counter easily as though I weighed nothing at all and headed towards the grand staircase. He took us up the stairs quickly not stopping once, his door was cracked open so he pushed it out of his way easily, kicking it shut behind him as he moved towards the bed.

He lowered us both to the mattress, his body hovering over mine as his lips brushed along the hollow of my throat. Fire seemed to take over everything inside of me as his hands lingered on my ass. He palmed the flesh gently as he crawled onto the bed above me. I could see a fire burning behind the deep endless blue of his eyes, and I let myself fall into them. I let myself get consumed by every emotion that seemed to linger behind the surface there.

"I love you, Jasper. I always have and I always will," I whimpered as our foreheads met in the middle, our breaths dancing together in the very little space between our mouths.

"I love you too, Bella," he whispered, closing the distance between us and stealing my lips with his own.

I moaned gently as his tongue swept along my bottom lip begging for entrance. He was the only one who could elicit such a reaction from me, something so simple seemed to stop the world from spinning on it's axis. I parted my lips slowly, the tip of my tongue brushing against his as I did. Heat rushed through my body as I accepted his tongue into my mouth.

The silence of the room was interrupted only by our panted breaths and moans of pleasure as we took one another in. Our hands were everywhere, roaming over shoulders, palming the flesh as we melted together in our passion. It was enough for now, but the need for him was growing within me. The ache between my thighs painful as the need grew between our writhing bodies.

Jasper broke away from me panting, he gave me only a second to catch my breath before gripping me to him and rolling us towards the center of the bed. My legs landed on either side of him as my sex ground against his very obvious erection. The feel of him against me made me moan into the quiet room, my head falling back on my shoulders. I could feel his warm hands running from my neck down between the valley of my breasts as I rolled my hips gently against him.

I lifted my head the moment his hands descended to the hem of the tank top I was wearing, our eyes connected as he pushed the material up my trembling body. Inch by inch my flesh was revealed to him, the intensity of the moment seemed to echo through my body and reflect in his eyes. His hands left a trail of fire in their wake, and I fought the urge to close my eyes at the feeling. The anticipation was killing me, but I knew that I would eventually get what I wanted, what I needed; we just had to drink in these moments together.

His thumbs brushed against the taut skin of my nipples as they passed, and I couldn't help but arch my back in pure wanton lust. The feeling of his hands on my bare skin was almost too much to take. Jasper sat up slowly as the shirt drew up to my shoulders, out of his reach. His defined chest pressed against my own and the movements sent shock waves through my soul as his cockpushed harder against my aching heat.

He pulled the shirt over my head and discarded it on the floor, his hands and arms closing around my body and pulling me against his chest as his lips kissed just below the hollow of my ear. I let my arms coil around his neck, my fingers finding the gentle curl of his damp hair as his lips moved over my skin.

I wanted him so much, I was aching for him.

"I can't wait anymore," he groaned against my skin. "I want to take this slow but I need to feel you."

"Yes," I moaned gently, it was the only thing I could say in the moment. It was the only thing that made any sense at all.

He fell back onto the bed and stretched out towards his nightstand, his long muscular body rippling with the movement. My fingers worked quickly and tugged at the waist of his boxer briefs as he arched to reach that final distance. The material shifted easily over his hips and ass as I drew them carefully over his erection.

He was magnificent.

I lifted myself up on my knees so I could drag the material under me and down his legs. I worked them down slowly, arching my back to reach his feet and pull the cotton free. I felt him sit up again and gasped as his lips closed around my sensitive nipple. His tongue circled the swollen bud languorously as his teeth grazed the skin there.

I was panting into the dull light of the room as his other hand came around to support my back. The fire boiled in my blood as the pleasure heightened with his movements. I was so close already, he'd barely touched me and I was on the brink of losing all coherency.

My fingers tangled in his hair, holding him to me as his free hand twisted and plucked at the neglected nipple. The warm brutality of his mouth on the other was making my heart pound heavily in my chest. My skin beaded with sweat from the intensity of my reaction. All of my muscles tensed and released as his teeth nipped and his tongue swirled in tandem with the pinching and rolling of his fingers.

Every emotion and sensation seemed to fall straight to my stomach where it coiled and twisted with a deep seeded need,the pressure was building inside of my body like a bomb ready to explode at any moment.

My love for this man encapsulated me as I groaned in euphoric ecstasy. The dampness of my folds rolled against his shaft, protected only by one layer of thin cotton. I couldn't wait anymore. My need for him was growing into a painful ache that quelled every sensation but him and the effects he had on my body. I could see nothing but him, hear nothing but him, every feeling that penetrated my body was because of him and I needed so much more.

I pushed up on my knees, whimpering at the loss of feeling him pressing into me. My hands gripped onto his shoulders with determination. His mouth pulled away from my breasts as I moved bringing another whimpering moan from my lips at the loss.

With every last ounce of strength I had in me, I pushed up until I stood over him. Without a word he seemed to know exactly what I was doing. Our eyes were the only communication we needed. My hands stayed gripping his shoulders as his hands moved to the waist band of the boxers I was wearing.

He pulled them down my legs slowly, his fingers trailing on my skin as they made their descent. I lifted one leg at a time allowing him to work the material over my feet before he discarded them over the side of the bed. His eyes drank me in slowly, moving from my feet upwards like he was committing every curve to memory.

I groaned the moment his tongue trailed across his swollen lips, he leaned forward slowly towards my shaking body as my breathing hitched and caught in my chest. His lips brushed along my abdomen with reverence, each inch of skin regarded by his hands and mouth as he explored the broad expanse of exposed flesh.

It wasn't until his fingers dipped between my wet folds that I almost collapsed. My legs trembled roughly; threatening my balance as his fingers found the one place I needed him the most. His fingers curled slowly as his teased me, his tongue laving along the skin of my hips as his fingers dipped within me.

I cried out with need. Even with feeling as good as it did, even with my walls clamping gently around his fingers as he brought me to a euphoric high; I needed more. He added another finger, curling them against the walls as he retracted slowly. The pressure inside my body grew like a fire, licking at me as he continued. I was on the verge of falling over the edge, and I knew he could feel it as every muscle in my body tightened and released with pleasure. It felt amazing, so raw so real, but I knew I needed to feel him fill me as only he could. We fit together so perfectly, I needed that in this moment.

"I need you," I moaned between breaths. "I need to feel you, Jasper."

He gave my stomach one last kiss as his fingers retracted from my sex. I moaned at the loss but dipped my head to see him bring the foil square to his mouth to rip it apart. The anticipation was too much for me as I sank slowly to my knees.

I perched on his thighs, my lips on his shoulder as he worked quickly. The love I had for this man seemed to keep us in the small bubble we'd been in since we'd confessed everything to one another. I would never let there be a single moment for him to question my love for him again. Now that he knew I would tell him at every opportunity. I couldn't let anything come between us again.

His lips brushed my shoulders the moment he was ready, his hands gripped my hips with a gentle roughness that made his anticipation just as obvious as my own. I folded onto my knees and moved above him, my body quivering at the feel of him against my aching center.

I lowered myself slowly, feeling him slipping between the flesh as I sank onto his engorged member. He slid the head in slowly and my body reacted instantly, shivering around him. We took our time as we connect on the level we'd needed for so long now. Our moans mingled between us as the feel of the other seemed to make everything fade away into the background. I lowered myself, inch by inch, drinking in the feeling of him as I moved. My body vibrated with excitement as the flux ran through my body.

Jasper's arms circled my body and held me against his as I adjusted to him. Our panting breaths bathed our skin with a heat that felt like fire. I'd waited so long for this, I'd wanted him since our last time together, yet hadn't known quite how much I missed it until now. I felt complete, whole, like I was a full person rather than the shell I had been for so long.

Jasper leaned back, his palms settling on my neck as his fingers weaved through my hair. He tilted my head up to his slowly, his eyes were the midnight blue that had always excited me while we were making love.

"Are you okay?"

I nodded my ascent and rocked up slowly on my knees, moaning as the feel of him created a friction like no other. His lips crashed against mine as I sunk down again with an audible sigh of contentment. He was everything.

I kept my movements slow and steady as I rose and sunk down, the shifting of our bodies moving together was a slow building fire, one that could turn white hot at any second. I kept my pace measured as I fought for breath around his lips. My hands gripped his shoulders as I picked up the pace a little.

Jasper was moaning below me, growling as I took his entire length within me. His teeth pulled and tugged at my bottom lip as I panted and mewed with my movements. I felt so alive being connected to him like this, that I never wanted it to end. I knew though, with the fire building from within me like this, that it couldn't last forever. Each movement heightened my senses to where it would be impossible to hold back.

I hooked my hands over his arms as my body trembled around his, my damp skin slid against his with every rock of my body. I rotated my hips gently as I came down trying with everything I was to maintain the tempo I was working with. My pleasure broke through my flesh and ran over the surface with the damp beads breaking from my pores. I could feel my hair sticking to my cheeks and neck, tangling with his fingers as our lips worked together.

Jasper's hands released my neck gently and slid over my body to my hips. He guided me to a quicker pace as we both came close to the precipice of euphoria. I let him guide me, swirling my hips as I moved. Our lips parted with our panting breaths, and my forehead found his as I cried out in pleasure. He surrounded me, bringing me to a trembling mess above him.

The contact of our skin, flesh on flesh felt like flames devouring our souls as we continued to move together, every rock of our hips made it more impossible to draw breath. The intensity of the moment had our eyes connecting, but I wanted to slide them closed, I wanted to throw my head back and drag in a breath, drawing it deep into my lungs, but I couldn't lose my connection with the midnight blue of his, or the love that reflected back at me from them. He held me to him as he rocked himself up from the bed, burying himself deeper within me.

Our moans mingled with our breaths as we raced towards the edge, I knew I was close as my walls gently tightened around his shaft. My fingers gripped into his shoulders tightly as the motion and ecstasy made it hard to think.

"Jasper," I moaned, my voice rough and ragged with the pleasure that was burning through my veins. "Oh God, Jasper."

"Oh Fuck," Jasper growled, his teeth sinking into my shoulder as he throbbed within me.

We both let go together, our damp bodies molding into one as we gripped to each other for dear life. Our breaths were coming in spurts, filled with moans of pleasure as we rode the waves of euphoria. My eyes were tightly closed as the joy and love swirled around me with my release. It all felt so right now, this was what I had craved, this is what I had missed.

I felt him throbbing within me as he pumped into me slowly with the tightening of his muscles. The feeling was too much to handle as my walls tightened around him, holding him inside me as white points of light speckled my vision. I cried out, unashamed, my voice rough and thick with my pleasure.

Jasper clung to me, his arms wrapped tightly around my back as he fell to the bed in exhaustion. He released his hold on my body and brushed the stray strands of sweat dampened hair from my forehead with his palms.

"Look at me, baby," he asked, his breath still heavy as he fought to catch his breath.

I opened my eyes and drank in the handsome face that was currently etched with satisfaction and love. His ethereal features seemed to glow in the dim light of the room. I had no idea that the storm was still crashing around outside, until a small flash of lightening lit up his features again. I had been so lost in him that nothing else seemed to matter.

"I love you," he whispered again as his lips met mine with sweet devotion.

"I love you too, Jazz," I whispered in return, knowing that he would never know just how much I did.

Jasper and I laid in one another arms after he'd excused himself to go to the bathroom. We laid in a blissful happiness twisted around one another so tightly he was all I could feel. He fell asleep before I did, but I knew it wouldn't be long until I followed, because I was, for the first time in a long time, happy and completely at ease.

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**A/N: *Hides* Gah only 2 chapters left!!! *sniff*  
**

**Thank you to cravingtwilight, my awesomesauce beta, because she went through this a couple of times after I freaked and rewrote parts. She's awesome like that!!**

**Miztrezboo and bendingmirrors, my WC pals and hand holders. I wouldn't know what to do without you guys. You are the bestest!! If you guys haven't checked out there stories I implore you too, they're in my favorites, because apparently the links on my profile are shite and link back to my profile!! FFn needs a foot up the arse sometimes I swear.**

**Bob your nuts, thank you so much for composing a song for chapter 36 and for Jasper and Bella, you have no idea what that means to me!! You rock!!**

**Remember if there are any outtakes you would like to see let me know. I may not be able to get to them all, but I am open to ideas :)**

**Reviewers. You rock my world every week and astound me with everything you have to say. All of you are so amazing and I really don't know how to thank you enough for sticking with me. I love you guys!!!**

**Much love and big hugz  
~Weezy**


	41. Things Aren't Always What They Seem

_**All things Twilight belong to the phenomenal Stephenie Meyer. Happy TGUT Tuesday :)**_

_**

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**_**Things Aren't Always What They Seem**

_Knowing its no big surprise_  
_That I will wait for you_  
_I will wait for no one but you_  
_Oh please lover lay down_  
_Spend this time with me_  
_Together share this smile_  
_Lover lay down_  
_Spend this time with me_  
**_Lover Lay Down - Dave Matthews Band_**

**_

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_**The gentle orange glow of the sun's attempts to break through the clouds stirred me from a restful sleep. I was still tangled in Jasper's arms, his body and mine melded together, skin on skin. I actually felt at peace, like everything was finally right, the sense of utter calm seemed to seep through me like I knew everything would be fine now.

It was odd to wake up feeling so right. For so long I had felt uncomfortable, lost, or helpless, and now I was finally where I should be. I couldn't even manage to worry about what would happen between now and September. I had Jasper, and nothing else seemed to matter right now.

I shifted my head slowly to look up at Jasper. I could feel the smile already curling my lips and the day had barely begun. I was pathetic, but happy. He stirred gently as my lips brushed against his jaw lightly. His eyes fluttering open and closed a couple of times in the bright light.

"Morning, baby," he mumbled, nuzzling into me and pulling me closer. I could feel his chest rising and falling evenly the moment he'd settled against me again and I knew he'd fallen back to sleep.

I looked over at the clock on his nightstand and groaned quietly. It was already two in the afternoon. We'd slept away half of the day. My stomach growled fiercely at me as I tried to stretch in his embrace. The sandwich I'd eaten early this morning had long since burned off, and my body craved sustenance.

I worked my way out from against his body and dressed quietly before heading out of the room and towards the kitchen. I was planning on making us both breakfast. My appetite had come back ten fold since last night.

I started putting everything together for an omelet, all of the ingredients sat next to the stainless steel range top as I worked quietly. I was disappointed when I heard the sound of footsteps behind me. I was hoping to bring breakfast up to him.

"I was going to bring breakfast up to you."

"Who the _fuck_ are you?"

My eyes moved to the side as I stood frozen to the spot, my hands were frozen in motion over the food and hot pan as my entire body went into panic mode. I could feel my heart beat thumping in my temples as my head swam with fear.

Chills ran down my spine as I tried everything I could to turn around to face the body that matched the voice. I could feel my hands trembling as I dropped them down to my sides. My breathing picked up and stuttered as the panic set into my system.

"Are you deaf, kid? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?"

My heart was loud enough to hear in my ears as his raised voice made me jump. I could hear voices in the distance and footsteps on the stairs and I tried my hardest to turn and face who I assumed was Jasper's dad.

"Bella," Jasper's voice filled the kitchen as his footsteps hammered into the area, sliding to a stop beside me. His hands cupped my cheeks and he turned my face to meet his, his eyes immediately registered the terror in mine. "What the fuck did you do, you bastard?"

"I asked who the fuck was in my kitchen, glad to see your standards have dropped son."

"Fuck you."

"I think that's your friend's job."

Jasper pulled me into his body, one arm wrapping protectively around me as his other held the back of my head to his shoulder. I didn't want to hear this; I didn't want to be a part of this. I knew that Jasper hadn't ever really had a decent relationship with his dad, but I could feel the hatred rolling off him in waves as he stood defiantly against him.

"Don't you ever talk about her like that; you don't know a goddamn thing you piece of shit."

My hands squeezed his waist as I tried to stop him from defending me, but it was too late. I could hear his father's bare feet hitting the floor as he stepped towards us. In a blink of an eye, I was behind Jasper, my hands still on his sides as he rounded his shoulders against the man on the other side of the room.

"Peter," someone said, quietly. It was a female voice who I could only assume was Jasper's mom. "Jasper, maybe it's time you took your friend home, sweetheart."

"There will be no discussing this, Charlotte. He and Lauren will be getting back together; I won't have this girl come between what we've established."

"Stop it, Peter. You and I discussed this; Jasper is free to do what he wants. Jasper, please take your friend home."

"Fine!" Jasper growled, picking up my hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze. He towed me towards the door, leaning down towards me as he stopped. "Go upstairs, I'll be right there."

I nodded and moved as quickly as I could towards the stairs before I had to hear any more. I could hear the anger in Jasper's voice as he turned to confront his parents.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing? You think that you can have anyone here while we're gone. You're an ungrateful little brat Jasper Whitlock. I ought to throw your ass out on the street now. The way you continuously disrespect your mother and I. How dare you . . ."

"Shut the fuck up, old man. The only person I respect in this house is mom. You never had my respect you drunk bastard, you always felt something was owed to you. You're nothing to me! The only person I take requests from is mom . . ."

I closed the door so I didn't have to hear anymore. I made my way to the bed and pulled myself up onto the edge of it, crossing my legs as I tried to think of what to do next. I couldn't go back to the Masen's, Alice and Edward would be fine with my being there, but the last thing I wanted was to make Kate or Jasper feel uncomfortable.

I hated that this had been the week they'd come home. They'd been gone for almost nine months, something Jasper had never worried about much. According to Alice they'd been gone for an entire year before. His mom hated leaving him for so long but his dad had decided it was character building.

"Sonofabitch," Jasper shouted as he threw the door open and slammed it shut. "I'm so sorry, Bella. The mother fucker knows nothing about personal boundaries."

Jasper walked towards me where I was sat cross legged on the bed, he rolled onto the mattress and lay his head in my lap closing his eyes in frustration. I ran my fingers through his shaggy blond hair, letting my fingers run along his scalp. He rolled to the side and buried his head in my stomach as his arms wrapped around my waist, holding me to him.

I could feel how frustrated he was in his tense stature; every one of his muscles was balled up tightly throbbing slightly in the constant flex. I let my fingers wander over the shell of his ear and down his neck, dusting along the finer hairs at the base of his head as I trailed patterns into the skin.

I could feel the gentle wave of relaxation as the taut muscles in his body relaxed. Each seemed to slowly dissipate as he breathing became more even.

"Jazz?"

"Yeah, baby?" he asked, rolling back so he could look up at me. Everything in his face screamed relaxation.

"I have nothing to wear." I smiled, giving him a wink as I tugged lightly at the ends of his hair.

"You want me to call Alice?"

"I don't think your parents would appreciate me walking out in your underwear."

"I would," he laughed, wiggling his eyebrows.

I rolled my eyes and leaned down to kiss him on the lips. I hated that we only got one day alone. There was so much I wanted to say and do with him. I needed more time together before I had to find somewhere else to go.

"Where am I going to go? Should I call Brian and Debbie? It's going to be horrible not seeing you everyday, but I don't think they'd mind."

"You're not living in Seattle."

"Jasper, I know it's . . ."

"It's what I needed to talk to you about. Come on, I'll tell Alice to come over later, you can borrow my sweats."

"Come over where?"

Jasper rolled off the bed and into his closet, coming out with the jeans and shirt I'd worn the day before I left. The one thing I hadn't packed in the bag because it was here by the bed.

"This might fit you a bit better," he said, grinning and looking more nervous than he should.

I nodded and got up taking the pants and t-shirt as well as everything else he was holding, he'd kept everything that had been sprawled out on the floor, even the simple white cotton bra, the watch, the jackets. Everything was here.

I threw the clothes onto the bed the minute I realized why he still had all of this. He'd been holding onto hope for so long, he'd never given up. He believed in me. He believed in us.

My arms wrapped around his neck as I jumped into his unsuspecting arms. My lips brushed across his jaw, up the rough stubble that littered the skin there. I stopped at his ears, my lips hovering over the shell as I tried to form my emotions into words.

"I love you, Jasper. You never gave up on me, even when I started to lose myself. I'm sorry for everything I did and said. For all the mistakes I made. I'm so sorry."

"Babe, what's the matter?"

"I realize what an idiot I am. You loved me, all you ever did was love me . . . Oh, Jasper," I cried, burying my head into his shoulder. I didn't know where the emotion had pulled from. I knew the clothes were a trigger, but it had opened the floodgates to something so much bigger. It was months of repressed emotions all pouring out of me.

Jasper moved us to the bed and sat down with me still curled around him. His strong arms held me until the sobs had subsided and I was feeling like an idiot.

"Feel better?"

I nodded. Hiding my face in his shoulder as I tried to find a way to explain the partial breakdown of my emotions. I knew he would never make me feel uncomfortable about this, but it didn't stop my own chastisement for my behavior.

"Jasper, I'm sorry I was so selfish, that I wouldn't let you explain, I just . . . I was scared."

"So was I, Bella. I just wish you would have talked to me. I have never regretted anything more than I do not telling you about Lauren. I messed up, big. And I promise I won't ever let you get surprised like that again, because I plan on being honest with you."

"Me too, and I promise to never run away without talking to you first."

Jasper chuckled and kissed the top of my head with adoration. It was something that made my heart flutter in my chest, and my skin break out in goose flesh. He was the only one who could get a reaction like that from simply kissing my forehead.

"Come on, you'd better get dressed so we can get out of here."

"Where are we going?" I asked, as he stood up letting me slide my legs down to the ground. He groaned as I rubbed against him accidentally.

"Nowhere if you keep that up."

"Sorry, let me get dressed. Can I use your toothbrush?"

Jasper nodded and I disappeared into the bathroom to get ready to leave.

It didn't take me long to get ready, I was almost as desperate to get out of the house as his parents were for me to leave. I was hoping that they wouldn't always feel too adverse to me being with their son, but I knew that there was a chance it could never be easy. His dad didn't seem like the accepting type, and if this whole experience had taught me anything at all, it was to be who I was before trying to please someone else. I couldn't change who I was just to gain his acceptance.

Jasper and I left the house without another interaction with his parents. It was fine with me; I'd had enough drama for a lifetime without adding to it. I couldn't help the piquing of my curiosity though. I tried to keep the questions locked inside, but the suspense was all too much for me.

"Where are we going?" I asked, buckling myself into the seat as Jasper climbed in.

"Carlisle's."

"What? Why? I'm fine."

"I know you are," he laughed, picking up my hand and kissing the palm of it lightly. "I told Carlisle everything. Please don't be upset with me, I was just so concerned, and I needed someone to talk to."

"When did you tell him?"

"A week before your last appointment. He asked me to talk to you, I was planning on doing it in the car, but Masen showed up and I never got a chance to."

"Talk to me about what, Jasper?" I asked, my voice was shaky at best as my nerves ate away at me.

"I should explain something first," he sighed. "Carlisle and Esme had trouble conceiving, they went through all of the fertility crap and there was still nothing. They applied to be foster parents, and were approved, just before Esme got pregnant. After I spoke to Carlisle, he spoke to his lawyers and they think they may be able to foster you. Carlisle is going to do everything in his power to keep you away from that place, you won't ever have to go back there, but you may need to make a statement."

"A statement about what?"

"Your time in the home."

"That's all?"

Jasper looked over at me a little surprise by the nonchalance of my tone. "Really?"

"Jazz, I hate the thought of anyone having to go through what I did. Those people don't care about circumstances; they throw you in there and expect you to survive. I was one of the lucky ones, I preferred living on the streets than being in that place for another second. There's nothing I would like more than to have that place scrutinized for their behavior."

"You're not upset?"

I turned in my seat, and leaned over the console to give him a chaste kiss on the lips. "No, I'm not upset. You did this out of love. I don't know about living with Carlisle though, I know he and Esme are amazing, but I really don't want them to feel obliged."

"Bella, they suggested it. They've already gone through most of the channels, they would be happy to have you there. Please, I know you think you can do this alone, but we all need help. Let them do this for you, stop putting words in peoples' mouths."

I could see the pleading in his eyes as he asked me to accept their help. He wanted this for me, he wanted me to be better, and he wanted what was best for me, just like he always had. I could see his reasoning.

None of this had made any sense to me; I hadn't had anyone to talk to. Alice was stuck in the middle trying to do the right thing, and in the end, it was Carlisle's voice of reason that made me see what I was doing wrong. A seventeen year old needs that kind of guidance.

"Let's go over there, I can't promise anything, Jazz. But I can try."

"That's all I'm asking for, baby."

I nodded and sat back in my seat again, pulling my legs under me as my nerves set in. I didn't know why I was so nervous; it wasn't like I'd never met Carlisle before.

"Is this why he was so adamant about calling the cops if I wasn't home?" I asked, horrified at the thought.

"You have to understand, Bella. Carlisle and Esme probably didn't sleep last night for worrying. Once they decide to do something, they do it fully with all of their effort. If he thought you trusted him enough, Carlisle would have been the one to look for you last night. He just didn't know where to start or whether you would just continue to run."

"I probably would have. Without knowing what you told him, I would have suspected he just wanted me back in the home rather than on the streets. That is the last place I ever would have gone, so I would've run."

"We both knew that. That's why Alice, Edward and I came instead."

Jasper turned onto a long driveway that eventually led up to a huge house. I could see why Alice loved it so much; it was huge and beautiful, brighter than most of the houses I had been to in Forks. It was obvious that they loved this house; its manicured lawns had swing sets and jungle gyms. The house itself was bright and inviting, framed perfectly by the trees. It was beautiful.

My eyes scanned the property with an appreciative awe, it stifled some of the nervous energy that seemed to have created a tightly wound coil in my stomach. I was fine until I looked at the house and noticed movement. That was when my nerves grew exponentially, because the front door opened and Carlisle stepped out.

"It's okay, Bella. There's nothing to be afraid of. I'll be here with you; they have a spare room I can use until you're comfortable."

I nodded, but it didn't stop the churning of my empty stomach. I didn't know what to say to them, I didn't even know how to thank them for this kind of consideration. How do you thank someone for offering you a home, especially when they knew your history?

"Bella, look at me."

I looked over at Jasper; I knew he could see the panic in my eyes.

"Everything will be fine, I promise."

"I know, I . . . I just don't know where to begin . . . Or what to say."

"Let's just go inside and see what they have to say. If you don't want to do this, we'll figure something else out. I won't make you do anything you don't want to do."

"Thanks, Jazz."

He gave me a warm smile before pushing open his door and getting out of the car. I took a few breaths, steeling my own courage before pushing open my side and climbing out.

Jasper met me as I straightened out and he pushed the door closed as he pulled me into his side, snaking his arm around my waist. I knew he was doing it to give me confidence; he always seemed to know what I needed.

"Jasper, Bella," Carlisle said warmly, a smile lighting up his features as he stepped towards us. "Why don't you come inside?"

Jasper and I followed him into the brightly lit house, there were a couple of toys scattered around, but other than that the house was spotless.

"Where's Esme?"

"She'll be home in a minute; she took the girls for a play date. Mrs. Harrison said it would be fine to leave them there for an hour or two so we could talk. Bella, would you like something to drink?"

"I'll get it," Jasper said, releasing my waist and kissing my temple. He walked out of the room leaving me alone with Carlisle.

"Bella, I'm glad you're back safe. Esme and I were worried. We would have gone to Seattle with . . ."

I put up my hand, stopping him mid sentence. "Jasper explained, Carlisle. Really I appreciate your concern, but I understand, and you were right in your assumptions. I wasn't exactly in the right frame of mind when I left, and I'm sorry if I worried you and Esme."

"I hope you don't mind if we wait for Esme. She shouldn't be too much longer."

I nodded and gave him a warm smile. He seemed so at ease with all of this, like it was the most natural thing in the world. His candor was making me more comfortable than I thought I was capable of right now.

"I spoke with your god father on the phone this morning."

"Brian?"

"Yes, it appears Jasper spoke with him last night. He asked me to remind you to call your aunt Debbie. He told me about the judge's decision as well. It seems you have a rather large extended family down in Seattle."

"Yes, sir. My Dad's whole team was an extended family."

Carlisle smiled at me as Jasper came back into the room with two sodas. He handed me one and pulled me down to the couch with him, his free hand grasping mine. He seemed impossibly comfortable here with the Cullen's. Carlisle sat on the love seat that was facing us.

"Mom and Dad are home."

"Really? When did they get in?"

"No idea. Probably while we were sleeping. Dad scared the crap out of Bella, before insulting her."

"Jasper . . ." I interceded.

"Don't, Bella. He's worthless."

Silence hung in the air, as Carlisle seemingly communicated with Jasper silently. He was so paternal it was a stark contrast form the interaction with his parents this morning. Jasper respected his uncle, and that was one thing I hadn't seen in the brief conversation with his dad.

"Jasper lost all respect for his father, Bella. And I can't really blame him. Peter's had more opportunities to prove him self than I can count on both hands, and he still can't seem to be the man my sister thinks he is," Carlisle said, sighing. "I'm sorry if I seem callous, but I'm afraid Peter broke my trust in more ways than one, and continues to insult me and my family."

"Yet you refuse to speak poorly of him, or let me," Jasper sneered, shaking his head.

"He's still your father."

"Uncle Carlisle, you're more of a father to me than he's ever been."

The front door of the house opening and closing pulled them both out of the conversation. We all looked up to the door to see Esme entering the room with a cautious smile. Having her here only made me feel more relaxed with the situation. She had a maternal nature that seemed to ebb from her, calming the room in her presence.

"Hi guys," she grinned, sinking gracefully onto the love seat next to Carlisle. "I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long."

"No Ma'am. We just got here." Jasper answered, squeezing my hand in reassurance.

"It's lovely to see you again, Bella."

"You too, Esme. Your home is beautiful."

"Thank you, sweetheart," she smiled, looking around the room. "What were you talking about before I got here, I didn't interrupt did I?"

"Mom and Dad are home."

Esme nodded with a note of understanding before picking up Carlisle's hand in her own. I could see that she knew what that entailed.

"Bella, did you call Debbie this morning?" she asked in an obvious attempt to change the subject.

"Not yet."

"Well, maybe we should get this out of the way so you can give her a call. I think she's worried about you. Carlisle?"

"Yes, of course," Carlisle smiled, sitting forward. "Bella, what has Jasper told you?"

I looked at Jasper for reassurance. He squeezed my hand and smiled at me, letting me know that it was alright to talk about this, that he was here. That he loved me.

"He told me that you had been approved as foster parents and that you had spoken to your lawyers about fostering me."

"That's about the crux of it. Our lawyer seems to think that if you give a statement about your time in the facility, we will be awarded guardianship until the official paperwork is processed, but there could be a chance they deny the request and will make you a ward of the state until the decision is made. Quite frankly we don't want to risk that. While I was talking with Brian this morning we discussed our options, Esme and I had talked about something before and I ran it past Brian. It turned out Brian had the answers we needed. Neither of us wants to risk losing you to the system. I don't ever want you to have to step foot in that place again and even with an injunction it could go against us. So Esme and I talked, and with your permission, we would like to file for adoption."

I sat staring at the man in front of me, trying to absorb everything he was saying. It seemed like a lot of trouble to go through for someone they barely knew. I couldn't quite process what they were attempting to say.

"Adoption, Why? And how would that be any easier?"

"Why? Bella, you never asked for any of this, yet you have fought to survive. You're honest, bright and a pleasure to be around. We honestly couldn't think of a better addition to the family. As for how, it would be easier, because . . . well, Brian found your mother. He called her this morning to ask her to sign you over," Carlisle looked over at Esme as though he wasn't sure of how to finish the sentence. I didn't need him to finish, I already knew what he wasn't saying. It was perfectly in character for Renee.

"She agreed, didn't she?"

"I'm so sorry, Bella. To be honest we half expected a fight from her," Esme said getting up from her seat and making her way over to me. She sat down on the other side of me and took my free hand in hers.

"Did she ask where to sign?" I laughed bitterly. I hadn't once thought of the possibility of her coming back, but with the hope Charlie had held out for her I hadn't expected this. I hadn't expected her to know my situation and not care.

"Not quite, sweetheart."

"There was no hesitation though."

"I'm sorry."

"So what happens next?" I asked, sniffing and steeling myself against reacting to the information. I wouldn't let her bother me, I couldn't. She didn't deserve my tears, my anger, not even my pity. She just didn't exist to me.

"Well with Mrs. Dwyer signing the paperwork, the process should be quick and easy. The courts will be informed, your status as a runaway will disappear and we can enroll you in school."

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I asked, concerned that their answer would be no. There was really no reason to do this, other than the kindness of their hearts. I was no one to them, I had nothing to offer.

"Definitely sure, Bella," Esme said pulling me into a hug. "It's time for you to have your life back, we're not doing this out of pity, nor do we have an ulterior motive. We just want to do the right thing. You're a good kid, with a good heart, that deserves a good family."

"Does this make us kissing cousins?" Jasper laughed behind me as I was locked in Esme's arms.

"That's the best you could come up with, kid? You're losing your edge," Carlisle laughed, throwing one of the couch cushions at him.

"Please say yes, Bella. It would mean the world to us," Esme whispered softly. Tightening her embrace.

"Yes," I answered, nodding into her shoulder.

And I meant it.

* * *

**A/N: One left, the epilogue :(, it's so bittersweet. I love where this story has been and gone through, and these characters are dear to me. Yet, it's sad to say goodbye. I've been working in this for close to a year now. *sigh* **

**Thank you to my amazing Beta, cravingtwilight, for going through my mistakes and making me look better lol. *hugs* You rock!**

**Miztrezboo and Bendingmirrors. You two are amazing, you hold my hand and help me off the ledge every time I had a panic attack. And you always give me the privilege of pre reading your incredible chapters. Your both amazing.**

**Bob, thanks again for the wonderful music and being just awesome!!**

**If you haven't been over to the forum, the girls there are amazing :)**

**To each and every one of the reviewers all I have to offer is a huge, huge, thank you! You guys never cease to amaze me with your thoughts and insights. You've all made this such an amazing experience. I love you all!!**

**Much love and big hugz  
~Weezy.  
**


	42. Epilogue: A Clear Path on The Horizon

_**All things Twilight belong to the Amazing Stephenie Meyer. Happy TGUT Tuesday . . . And now, the end is near, and I must face, the final curtain . . . :')**_

_**

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**_**Epilogue: A Clear Path on The Horizon**

_I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute_  
_Cuz' the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you_  
_It's been minutes, it's been days, it's been all I will remember_  
_Happy lost in your hair and the cold side of the pillow_  
**_Crack the Shutters - Snow Patrol_**

**_

* * *

_**Six months had passed since my accepting Esme and Carlisle's offer. It was now November and I was in my senior year of High school. Having missed two years they were dubious about my placement in the system. Thankfully, I managed to test out and finally got into the senior classes.

Jasper had been at Harvard for almost three months now and I missed him terribly. I was alone in Forks, everyone had gone back to college, and even in Massachusetts, he was only 3 hours away from everyone in New York.

Then there was Alice. She had been accepted to MIT, so she was barely five minutes from Jasper.

I found myself spending a lot of time down at the reservation, Jacob was attending the community college up in Port Angeles with Leah, and so I was able to spend time with them most weekends. Esme and Carlisle had helped me buy a car with some of the inheritance I'd received on my eighteenth birthday. The rest I had put away for college, even though Esme and Carlisle had insisted they would pay for me.

It was easier living with them than I thought it would be. I would help with the girls as much as I could to repay them for some of their kindness, not that it took a lot of effort, the girls were adorable and we got along well. We had turned into a close knit family. I hadn't expected to think of them as my family so easily, but there was no way I couldn't. Esme and Carlisle seemed to love me as though I was always meant to be with them, and I couldn't deny the reciprocation of the sentiment.

Esme doted on me; she would constantly come home from her shopping trips with bags full of clothes for me and insisted on giving me a cell phone, mainly so I could call Jasper as much as I wanted without feeling guilty about tying up the house phone.

My life had changed so drastically, it was hard to remember it being the shambles it had been.

I tried to keep touch with the person I had been for so long by volunteering down at the shelter. Alice had made sure that I would always be involved and anytime she came home, we ended up down there for at least one full day, talking to people at different stages of the program she'd set up.

Word had gotten out about the Swan Bridge of Hope, and there were people from all over the city, and even as far as Portland, Oregon coming to look for help. It was amazing really.

I had only bumped into John once during all of the time I was down there. He'd come to the center to try and give back, bringing blankets and canned foods. He was living in his own apartment, working for the city making decent money and he truly seemed happy. It seemed to be the way it worked out. Having an address gave them the advantage they needed to make themselves better, and with drive to succeed they were able to move on quickly.

Even Carlisle volunteered in the clinic at the center. He was so proud of Alice for what she'd done.

While I was in the city, I always made a point to go by Debbie and Brian's and the station so I could see all of Charlie's old friends. They seemed to welcome me happily back into their lives like I had never disappeared at all.

We spent so much time talking about Charlie, and I learned so much about him from their stories. Each of them respected him so much for everything he'd done, for the man he was. It made me proud to be his daughter, and that was something I hadn't lost sight of since the night I had visited his grave.

As I had promised him, it wasn't the last time I went to see him.

Carlisle had asked me to try counseling to talk about everything I had been through since Charlie had died. Even though I was uncomfortable to begin with, I soon found it calming to talk to someone who had no interest in my life. I talked about everything, even the hitchhiking incident. Discussing all of this in detail had helped me release it from the small spaces where I hid all of the memories.

I found myself turning more and more into a regular teenager.

I was currently sitting in my room staring blankly at the laptop I should be doing my homework on. Somehow Esme had seemed to know what I liked and had my room painted and decorated the week Carlisle and I had spent in Seattle in and out of court while she stayed home with the girls. I spent a lot of my time in here in the evenings after dinner, because it was when I spoke to Jasper.

I looked over at the clock on my nightstand, the numbers glowing a ghostly bluish white as it played the songs from my iPod quietly. It was nine thirty, Jasper always called at nine and I was getting worried. I hated calling him, I felt like I was constantly interrupting him, even if he dropped what he was doing to talk to me.

I picked up my phone and hit the button bringing it to life. I checked the side to see if it was on vibrate, but there was nothing wrong with the damn thing. The picture of Jasper and I that we'd taken before he left seemed to taunt me from the front of the phone as I mentally willed it to ring.

"Where are you, Jazz?" I sighed placing the phone back on the desk. This was the first time in six months he hadn't called me at nine on the dot, and I could feel the all too familiar prongs of panic roll in my stomach.

I pushed the top of my laptop shut and put my phone in my pocket as I made my way over to my bed, falling down onto the pillow top mattress that seemed to hug every angle of my body. It was comforting to me. It was an indicator of the home I had made for myself with the Cullen's.

"Bella, could you come down here for a second, please?" Esme's voice said through the small speaker box by the door. The house was so big, shouting was pointless.

I rolled off the bed with little enthusiasm and hit the button that was lit up indicating Esme was in the kitchen. "On my way."

I made my way towards the kitchen from my bedroom, taking my time as I took one stair slower than the last in my ridiculously large slippers. My eyes were on my feet making sure my still ever present clumsiness didn't send me hurtling down the stairs into a big mess at the bottom.

Finally, my phone rang in my pocket, Jasper's ringtone blaring into the huge empty foyer echoing off the walls. I rummaged through the pocket trying to get to it before he hung up or it went to voice mail.

"Jazz?"

"Hey, baby," he said, the smile evident in his voice. I could feel my shoulders fall into a relaxed position. Finally hearing his voice made me feel so much better.

"You're late!"

"I wouldn't be if you hurried up and got you cute ass down the stairs."

My eyes flickered to the bottom of the stairs, and I could feel the tandem tears and smile break out across my face as I immediately caught the shaggy blond of his hair by the front door.

Without even thinking of the repercussions, I took off down the stairs as fast as I could, the slippers making it impossible to find a grip. He moved quickly towards the bottom of the stairs, catching me easily as I threw myself into his arms, burying my face in the crook of his neck; the tears falling heavily down my cheeks.

It felt so much longer than three months. It felt like an eternity, the summer with him before he left had made me realize just how much I loved him and there was never any way I could survive without him now.

"Are you crying?" he laughed, smoothing down my hair affectionately as he held me to him.

I shook my head, and he laughed gently as kissed the side of my head.

"I'm sorry I worried you, I was planning on being here at exactly nine, but the plane was late."

"I missed you," I sobbed into his shoulder, my hands tangling into the mass of blond. "You're home early."

"I don't have lectures on Thursdays, and Friday's I can make up so I flew home early, I missed you too."

I pulled back from where I was nuzzled into the side of his neck, I knew my eyes must be red and swollen from the sobbing, but I didn't care. I pressed my lips against his as I threw my legs around his waist, forgetting where I was.

"Ahem."

I pulled away from Jasper and felt the blush crawl up over my cheeks as I turned to look at Carlisle.

"Just remember you have school in the morning," he sighed, shaking his head and walking back towards his study. I was mortified. I knew what he meant, and I knew that it was awkward and unethical for him to let me go so easily.

Carlisle took his responsibility of being my parent seriously. I knew that he must be conflicted about letting me go like this, but I couldn't find it in me to feel guilty, I was too happy to have Jasper home right now.

"Are your parents home?" I asked under my breath, so I didn't have to announce my plans to the rest of the house.

"Nope, they're in Brisbane, they didn't want to deal with the winter."

I raised my eyebrows. Nothing had really improved with Jasper and his Dad, but during the time they were home I had gotten to know his mom a little better and understood exactly why he respected her so much. She was soft spoken and sweet, a direct contrast to his dad. The only time I saw her was while she visited Carlisle and Esme's house alone. Her husband never came with her.

"Mom was upset, but you know dad," Jasper said sarcastically, placing me on my feet with another kiss to the top of my head.

"Let's go and get me some clothes for tomorrow," I sighed, taking his hand and guiding him up the stairs. I could see the emotion in his eyes, even when he tried to hide it, so I dropped the subject completely.

I packed everything I needed from my room, a pathetic smile spread across my face as I piled things into my bag for the night and for school the next morning. I had a feeling sleep wasn't really on the agenda.

As I had anticipated, we spent most of the night making love. I went to school exhausted, but it was worth every second of it. Jasper came to pick me up after school and we spent Friday and most of Saturday in his bed, seemingly making up for the three months we'd been apart.

Alice and the others came home on Sunday, only Edward was absent. Kate wanted to spend Edward Masen III's first thanksgiving in New York with her family. They'd gotten married in September, as planned, when little Edward was 2 months old. Alice was in love with her nephew, but couldn't be away from Jacob when she had the chance to spend a week with him.

Alice and I went to the Swan Bridge of Hope while Jasper took the others back to Forks. I hated being separated from him for even a minute more than I had to be, but I knew Alice wanted to see the center before she lost herself in Jacob for the week. I could understand that, and I was happy to have one last day at the center before I did the same with Jasper.

The week moved by too quickly, and soon all of them were soon packing to leave me again. I found myself sticking to Jasper's side wherever he went.

I cried myself to sleep the night they left. I would never get used to saying goodbye to him. It was like he took a large part of me with him when he left, leaving behind a shell of the person I was when I was around him. I wasn't moping by any means, but he was constantly in my thoughts and I seemed to miss him more every day.

He came home for Christmas and Spring break, and any other small vacation he could work in, and occasionally I would fly out to see him for the weekend but it was never long enough, I never seemed to have enough time with him.

When I applied for Colleges, I kept all of my choices on the East coast. I couldn't spend another year away from him like I just had. I needed to be closer to him.

I actually received my acceptance letter on one of his weekends home. Carlisle had come home from work and picked up the mail on the way in. Jasper and I were sat at the dining room table painting with the girls when he dropped the heavy envelope on the table in front of me.  
"What's this?"

Carlisle grinned at me, his paternal side showing through with his pride. Esme came in from the kitchen with the snacks she'd been putting together for me, Jasper and the girls.

"Open it and find out."

I looked across the table at Jasper who had Ellie on his lap, he wasn't paying attention to her and she swiped the brush across his shirt leaving a bright purple streak of paint. He nodded, ignoring the bulging of my eyes and Ellie and Lizzie's giggles.

All eyes were on me as I peeled the heavy paper from the bonded strip. My heart was in my throat, I had noticed the emblem on the outside of the envelope, but I couldn't let myself hope. I had applied only to appease Jasper, never in a million years expecting to get accepted.

I pulled out the letter and let my eyes scan the first words. Everyone around me seemed to fall quiet and the only ones breathing were the two young girls who were still pulling brushes along the paper.

My heart froze in my chest as I read the lines over and over again in disbelief.

"Bella, you're killing us here," Jasper said with a short chuckle as he tried to get me to say something.

"I got into Dartmouth," I deadpanned, still unable to believe the words on the letter weren't just a figment of my imagination.

"That's only a 2 hour drive from Harvard," Jasper grinned sliding Ellie from his lap and moving from his chair to a crouch in front of me. He pulled the letter from my frozen hands and handed it to Carlisle before returning his warm fingers to my cheeks. "I'm so proud of you. You did it, baby."

"This is so surreal," I mumbled.

I could hear someone hitting buttons on a phone while I kept my hold on Jasper's blue eyes. I couldn't look away. So many emotions were flooding my system at once; I wasn't quite sure how to react.

"Debbie." I heard Esme say into the phone. They'd struck up a friendship since the Cullen's had adopted me and the two sets of twins enjoyed playing with one another so they were always an integral part of my life, even now. "Exciting news, hang on I'll let Bella tell you."

She handed me the phone, placing it in my hand as I continued to stare at Jasper.

"Speak, babe."

I pulled the phone up to my ear, as I forced myself to blink and look down at my lap.

"Bella?"

"Debbie, I got into Dartmouth."

There was screaming down the line and I had to hold the phone away from my ear to stop any permanent damage from occurring. A smile finally broke out on my face as hot wet tears rolled down my cheeks.

"I am so proud of you, kiddo. Are you happy?"

"I am, I just can't believe it."

"Oh, sweetheart, your dad would be _so_ proud of you."

My skin broke out into fields of goose flesh at the mention of my dad, and the tears blurred my vision completely. I couldn't stop the sobs from breaking like waves in my chest as my hands shook. I was pathetically over emotional and a little overwhelmed. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and forced myself to answer.

"Thank you, Debbie." And I meant it. I never realized it was exactly what I needed to hear until she said it. Charlie had always boasted about how I would be the first in the family to attend an Ivy League school. I had forgotten about that. It was gratifying to know how much confidence he'd had in me.

"You okay, hun?"

"Never been better," I choked into the phone.

"I'm going to call the Brian so he can tell everyone. I'll call you back in a little while."

"K, Love you."

"Love you too, sweetheart."

I hung up the phone and grinned through my tears at my family. Jasper leaned forward, his thumbs brushing the stray tears from my cheek as he pressed his lips briefly to mine. He pulled me into a tight hug whispering how proud he was, and how he knew I could do it.

I was passed around the room for hugs, and not ones to be outdone, the girls joined in too. I couldn't believe how my life had turned out. After losing Charlie, I'd had nothing and nobody. Now, I had a network of people who loved me, and a man I couldn't live without.

My future was a long winding road in front of me, but no matter what it threw at me, I knew I would make it.

**Fini.**

* * *

**A/N: I know it's short but I think I wrapped it up as much as I could. They have a whole future ahead of them, so many things could happen. I wanted to let you make your own interpretation. :)**

**I have written up 2 outtakes. They were the most requested out of the bunch. Thank you so much for all of your ideas, I loved reading every one of them, but unfortunately I couldn't do too many because I am working on another fic. Sorry that I don't have time to write more of them. I will answer any questions you have though.  
**

**A Huge Huge thank you to my beta, who comes through for me every week, no matter what her schedule is. Thank you so much Cravingtwilight, 3.  
**

**Miztrezboo, thank you so much for holding my hand through this. You were always so willing to help me out when I needed to bounce ideas. You've been there from the moment I had the idea all the way to the end. Thanks for putting up with me.  
**

**Bendingmirrors, your help and insight has been more valuable than you know. You really are wonderful. Thank you so much for everything. You have been so patient with me when I get all neurotic, and I owe you for that!!!**

**Hev99, Catmasters, Salix Caprea, Ange, and everyone else at the forum. I adore you all. Thank you so much for putting up with me and the endless non answers to question. You make me laugh and smile and I think you're all wonderful!! You always have the best input and questions.**

**To the reviewers. If I could type everyone of your names out I would. You're all so wonderful. You have taken the time to tell me how you feel about the story, your passion for the characters always makes me smile and I am going to miss you all. You have made this such an amazing experience. Huge hugs and love to you all.  
**

**LOVE YOU ALL**

**~Weezy**


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